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1
00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:03,378
I said it.
I said it right there.
2
00:00:03,461 --> 00:00:04,379
I was like,
"You a woman."
3
00:00:04,462 --> 00:00:05,588
- Mm-hmm.
- "I'm a man."
4
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:06,965
- Mm-hmm.
- There's a difference--
5
00:00:07,048 --> 00:00:08,383
Oh, what?
6
00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,843
They bumpin' [bleep]
up in here.
7
00:00:09,926 --> 00:00:11,010
Here it is.
It's going off.
8
00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:14,514
Yo!
Hey!
9
00:00:14,597 --> 00:00:19,018
Which one of y'all
mother[bleep]...
10
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,437
bumped me?
11
00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:21,896
I did.
12
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,983
What the [bleep] you gonna do
about it?
13
00:00:25,066 --> 00:00:26,401
What's up?
14
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:32,198
Oh, I'll tell you
what I'ma do about it!
15
00:00:32,281 --> 00:00:33,491
You don't want
to do this today.
16
00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:34,576
Ooh, yeah.
Yeah, what?
17
00:00:34,659 --> 00:00:35,577
You lucky my friend's
holding me.
18
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,662
You lucky,
'cause I'll tear your head off!
19
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,873
Don't hold me back, dude!
Don't hold me back!
20
00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:41,499
Oh, okay.
Then go for it.
21
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,006
See, I know, though,
22
00:00:48,089 --> 00:00:51,092
if I were to lunge
at you right now,
23
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,136
my friend right here--
he'd catch me
24
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:54,429
at the last
possible second--
25
00:00:54,512 --> 00:00:56,598
No, no,
no, I won't.
26
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:06,441
But my friend does have
the cognizance
27
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:09,110
to tell me I don't need
to be going up
28
00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:12,322
and committing capital murder
up in a club tonight.
29
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,032
Oh, no, just knock him
unconscious, dog.
30
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:16,451
Bam!
31
00:01:16,533 --> 00:01:17,702
You don't have
to kill anybody.
32
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:21,289
I mean, no need for that.
That's excessive.
33
00:01:21,372 --> 00:01:23,333
Tear him up.
34
00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:25,126
I will, but--
35
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:29,130
[stammering]
Wait. Let me finish my sentence.
36
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:31,633
I will, uh...
37
00:01:34,259 --> 00:01:35,637
Oh!
38
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,848
Oh, snap.
You know what?
39
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,392
You lucky my boy's using
his telekinetic powers
40
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,019
to hold me back
right now.
41
00:01:43,102 --> 00:01:44,562
No, I'm not.
42
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:48,107
Well, maybe it's the type
of telekinesis
43
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:52,946
that's a mutant power that you
didn't realize you had
44
00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:55,406
until the moment it--
45
00:01:55,490 --> 00:01:56,741
Oh, oh!
46
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:58,201
I got it.
I see, I see.
47
00:01:58,283 --> 00:01:58,618
So you want me
to hold you back.
48
00:01:58,701 --> 00:02:00,662
[Bleep]...
49
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:01,496
[screaming]
50
00:02:01,579 --> 00:02:02,956
I'm a dragon.
51
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:05,250
Oh, yeah,
I want to rip this.
52
00:02:05,333 --> 00:02:07,544
I'm a lion.
I'm a tiger over here.
53
00:02:07,627 --> 00:02:09,419
I'm a bear.
Oh, my.
54
00:02:09,503 --> 00:02:10,755
I'll go crazy
on you.
55
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,173
Oh, I can't believe it.
56
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,675
The man--he's like a tornado
up in here.
57
00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:14,676
Don't hold me back.
58
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,469
I can't even believe
I can hold him back.
59
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:17,595
Do it, man!
60
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:18,763
I can't believe
I'm this strong!
61
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,223
Let me go!
Let me go!
62
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:21,516
I'm one-arming it.
I can't believe I'm this strong.
63
00:02:21,599 --> 00:02:23,434
Let me go!
64
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:24,811
I'ma hold him back
with one finger.
65
00:02:24,894 --> 00:02:26,353
He's like a little baby.
He can't get past me.
66
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:27,814
He's like a little--Ow!
What?
67
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:30,692
- I'm a little baby?
- I'm holding you back, man!
68
00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:31,776
- You're stupid, man!
- I know.
69
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,319
I got carried away.
I apologize.
70
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:34,737
What you mean
you got carried away?
71
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:35,864
You told me to hold you back.
I was holding you back.
72
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:36,990
What do you
want me to do?
73
00:02:37,073 --> 00:02:39,200
In a fight situation,
no means no,
74
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:40,159
and yes means yes.
75
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,661
How would
I have known that?
76
00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:42,996
Oh, wait.
Come on, man, ow.
77
00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:44,289
Come on, that hurt.
78
00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:45,373
And you holding me
back now?
79
00:02:45,456 --> 00:02:46,875
Thank you
very much for that.
80
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,585
Okay, well,
just at least change it up.
81
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,045
Okay, now
you listen.
82
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:54,132
[haunting Western music]
83
00:02:54,215 --> 00:03:01,222
♪ ♪
84
00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:19,324
- You know what we have as men?
- What's that?
85
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:22,869
The sorrow to know
that we will never
86
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:27,081
bring life
into this planet.
87
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,917
Are you--is that something
that you're mourning?
88
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,084
Are you mourning
the fact
89
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,753
that you don't have
that opportunity?
90
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:35,006
I mean, women have
the special superhuman power
91
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:38,301
to produce another human
from their body.
92
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:39,802
We do help
in that endeavor...
93
00:03:39,886 --> 00:03:42,221
- more often than not.
- Eh.
94
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,390
We toss a little
something in there,
95
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:45,350
into the mixture.
96
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:46,684
Did you have
to say "toss"?
97
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:50,103
Well, you know,
you do things your way.
98
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,731
I'll do things my way.
99
00:03:51,814 --> 00:03:53,775
Do you know
what I mean?
100
00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:55,276
Mm-mm. No.
No, no, wait.
101
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,361
Hold on. No.
I do not--
102
00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:58,321
I have no idea
what you mean.
103
00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,286
So what do you want
to do tonight?
104
00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:06,204
Like, I was thinking
maybe we could meet up
105
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:08,706
with Amy and Brad,
and, like, before that,
106
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,291
we could go to Angela's,
and before that,
107
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:10,667
we could, like, just go--
108
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,920
Meegan.
109
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:16,047
I have something
to say.
110
00:04:18,298 --> 00:04:19,425
[exhales sharply]
111
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,135
I had to say it
in person
112
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:25,014
because it's--
it's, like, super important.
113
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:29,852
Okay.
114
00:04:29,936 --> 00:04:31,771
Um...
115
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:34,107
I know this is sudden,
but, like,
116
00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:37,485
I've been thinking
about this for a while.
117
00:04:37,568 --> 00:04:41,572
And I know this is something
that needs to happen.
118
00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:42,824
I'm breaking up
with you.
119
00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,450
Cool.
Love it.
120
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,411
Totally fine
with that.
121
00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:52,625
- R-Really?
- Yeah.
122
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:53,876
'Cause I thought--
123
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,129
I was really worried
124
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,673
that you were
gonna be, like, mad.
125
00:04:58,756 --> 00:04:59,757
Mad?
Oh, my God.
126
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,176
Are you kidding me?
127
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,845
No, of course
I'm not mad.
128
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:06,472
People grow apart.
It happens.
129
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:07,015
It's, like,
part of life.
130
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,057
No, I'm totally fine.
131
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:12,186
Like, love it,
love it, love it.
132
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,480
Um...
[clears throat]
133
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,108
So...
134
00:05:17,191 --> 00:05:17,859
Uh, um...
135
00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:21,070
we had a good run.
136
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,155
Yeah.
137
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,078
And, uh, don't be
a stranger.
138
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,581
Can I just--
139
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,875
Can I ask why?
140
00:05:33,957 --> 00:05:36,002
- Why?
- Yeah, like, whatevs.
141
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:37,795
Like, I'm doing some work
on myself
142
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,297
and, like, trying to grow
as a person,
143
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:42,383
so I'd really, like,
appreciate to know why.
144
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,092
Yeah, um...
145
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,678
Okay, yeah,
that's, like--
146
00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,972
You know, I think
that you're kind of, like,
147
00:05:48,056 --> 00:05:50,224
a controlling
person who--
148
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,726
Thank you.
Thank you for that.
149
00:05:51,808 --> 00:05:54,729
That's nice.
Thank you for that.
150
00:05:54,812 --> 00:05:56,272
Cool.
No problem.
151
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:57,648
So you know what
your problem is, Andre?
152
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:58,816
What?
153
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:02,904
You keep tabs
on people.
154
00:06:02,987 --> 00:06:04,197
Every little thing
somebody does,
155
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,825
you have to keep
a tab of it.
156
00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:10,745
Wait. I-I can't tell
if you're angry or not.
157
00:06:10,828 --> 00:06:11,871
I'm not.
158
00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:14,290
Mm, totally not angry.
159
00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:15,541
No, I'm excited.
It's good.
160
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,794
It's just, like,
you said your piece,
161
00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:21,297
and I just think
that I deserve the human decency
162
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:21,798
to say my piece.
163
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,800
Right, right.
164
00:06:23,883 --> 00:06:24,926
Is that--
is that not okay?
165
00:06:25,009 --> 00:06:28,054
No, no, no.
It's--
166
00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:30,139
Of course, of course.
167
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,016
You're a controlling,
manipulative person.
168
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:33,433
Everyone says that.
169
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:34,852
I-I don't think
that I am.
170
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,062
Yes, you are, Andre.
171
00:06:36,145 --> 00:06:40,775
Yes, you mother[bleep] are.
172
00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:42,860
Okay, now--now,
you sound pretty angry.
173
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,113
I'm not angry!
174
00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,281
I'm not angry.
I'm fine.
175
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:48,157
I love it!
176
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,200
I love that you came
to my house,
177
00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:51,953
and you broke up with me
in my space.
178
00:06:52,036 --> 00:06:53,996
And I'm gonna think about that
every time I'm here.
179
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,206
That's great.
That is so perfect for me.
180
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,792
[crying]
It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
181
00:06:57,875 --> 00:06:58,626
Where else was
I supposed to do it?
182
00:06:58,709 --> 00:07:00,336
'Cause you won't come
to my house.
183
00:07:00,419 --> 00:07:02,380
Oh, here he is.
The puppet master is back.
184
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:04,132
But I'm not--
No, I'm not the puppet master.
185
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:06,300
Why are you
doing this to me?
186
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:08,010
It's true.
You won't come to my house.
187
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:09,637
You said my apartment
looks like two rats
188
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:11,097
just [bleep] in it
every [bleep] day.
189
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:13,141
Oh, right,
like, thank you for that.
190
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:14,433
I'm a bitch.
Thank you.
191
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:15,143
I didn't call--
no, I didn't say "bitch."
192
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,061
- I didn't--
- Which is it?
193
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:18,437
Am I evil,
or am I a bitch?
194
00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:19,814
No, no, you're
not evil, Meegan.
195
00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:21,566
Well, then why
are you punishing me?
196
00:07:21,649 --> 00:07:23,651
I'm not punishing you.
I'm not--
197
00:07:23,734 --> 00:07:24,819
You broke up with me,
198
00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:26,237
and I'm not supposed
to feel punished.
199
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,823
- Who thinks like that?
- [shouting]
200
00:07:28,906 --> 00:07:30,867
I don't know!
I'm sorry.
201
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,534
I'm sorry,
okay, Meegan?
202
00:07:32,618 --> 00:07:33,327
I guess I didn't think
it through.
203
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,329
Well, it's, like,
too late now.
204
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,248
- I mean, we're done.
- No, it's not too late.
205
00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:39,457
Meegan, Meegan,
seriously, I just--
206
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:43,004
I-I-I had a feeling
that I thought was true,
207
00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:45,256
and clearly--
clearly it wasn't true.
208
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:47,383
Like, I'm so confused.
209
00:07:47,466 --> 00:07:48,843
Like, are you
breaking up with me,
210
00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:50,178
or are you not
breaking up with me?
211
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,930
Meegan, I'm not
breaking up with you!
212
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,724
Okay, cool. So what do you want
to do tonight?
213
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:55,683
Like, I want to hang out
with Amy and Brad,
214
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:58,186
but maybe before that,
we can go to Angela's.
215
00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:01,230
[dark music]
216
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,690
♪ ♪
217
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,483
What just happened?
218
00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:10,239
[smooth jazz music]
219
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,283
Welcome back
to The Morty Jebsen Show.
220
00:08:12,366 --> 00:08:13,451
I'm Morty Jebsen.
221
00:08:13,534 --> 00:08:15,620
We're here today
continuing our conversation
222
00:08:15,703 --> 00:08:18,873
with unbelievable
mega superstar
223
00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:20,875
Young Bidness.
224
00:08:20,957 --> 00:08:22,627
Now, Young Bidness,
I got to tell you,
225
00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:23,336
we've been
tiptoeing around
226
00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:25,463
a particular subject
all day,
227
00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,506
and I think it's time
to broach it.
228
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:29,717
You've separated recently
with your actress girlfriend,
229
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:30,885
Tina Bouquet.
230
00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:33,179
- No, Mort, Mort.
- And everybody wants to know--
231
00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:34,889
We ain't gonna talk
about that.
232
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:36,724
I'm not here
to talk about that.
233
00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,392
I just want to hear
your side of the story.
234
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,311
You don't want to hear--
I told y'all mother[bleep]
235
00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:42,063
we weren't gonna talk
about that, Mort.
236
00:08:42,145 --> 00:08:43,688
I'm trying to talk
about the music.
237
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,025
And lots of people understand
that you're talking
238
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:47,902
about your own
personal experiences.
239
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:50,029
Your fans
would like to know--
240
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:51,405
How many times
I need--
241
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:53,574
Why--what--
The fans don't want to know.
242
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:54,742
That's--
You want to know!
243
00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,077
- I just want to clarify--
- You want to know.
244
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,037
You ain't want to clari--
You want clarification?
245
00:08:58,120 --> 00:08:59,455
I want to hear your side
of the story.
246
00:08:59,538 --> 00:09:01,082
I'll tell you
my side of the story.
247
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:02,250
Interview's over.
How about that?
248
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:03,167
Interview's over.
249
00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,502
- Please, Young Bidness.
- Done.
250
00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:06,337
There's no need
for the interview to be over.
251
00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:07,463
Interview's over.
252
00:09:07,546 --> 00:09:08,965
All y'all
mother[bleep].
253
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:11,384
Young Bidness, there's no need
for the language or any of this.
254
00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,094
All y'all--
I told y'all mother[bleep]
255
00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:13,970
I wasn't gonna talk
about that.
256
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,638
Do you want to talk
about the album?
257
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:17,807
'Cause I'd be more than happy
to talk about the album.
258
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,267
- This is the C-Word.
- Mort.
259
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,227
It looks like it's well
on its way to going platinum.
260
00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,521
[Bleep]--Get the [bleep]
away from me, [bleep].
261
00:09:23,604 --> 00:09:26,357
Louis, Louis.
262
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,025
Well on its way
to going platinum.
263
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,193
We can talk
about this.
264
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,152
This [bleep]
is tucked in here.
265
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,113
It's fine with me.
266
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:33,239
You want to talk
about the album?
267
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:34,365
We can talk
about the album.
268
00:09:34,448 --> 00:09:35,533
How about Tanks of Truth?
269
00:09:35,616 --> 00:09:37,576
Tanks of Truth--
is that a treatise
270
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:39,412
on the conflict
with ISIS?
271
00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:41,622
I mean, what--
talk to me about this.
272
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:42,873
What--
273
00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,375
Young Bidness, please,
I'm begging you.
274
00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:46,085
Just sit down,
take a deep breath,
275
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:46,919
and let's discuss.
276
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:49,005
- No.
- Let's discuss the album.
277
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,965
It's done, Mort.
It's done.
278
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:55,469
So...
279
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:56,721
You brought this
on yourself, Mort.
280
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:59,348
- Young Bidness--
- You brought it on yourself.
281
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,725
Young Bidness,
Young Bidness,
282
00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:01,559
I would really love it
if you had a seat,
283
00:10:01,642 --> 00:10:03,477
and we could just
talk together
284
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:04,520
about anything--
anything you want.
285
00:10:04,603 --> 00:10:07,815
We don't--I won't mention
Tina's name again.
286
00:10:07,898 --> 00:10:08,316
Young Bidness.
287
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:09,817
How the [bleep]--
288
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,277
Youthful--
289
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,321
How does--
where does it go to?
290
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:14,822
Louis, help him.
291
00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:17,658
No, get the [bleep]--
get the [bleep] off me, Louis.
292
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:19,076
Louis, go.
293
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:19,952
Leave it be.
294
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,662
You're exacerbating
the situation.
295
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:23,622
(Young Bidness)
This [bleep]
attached to?
296
00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:25,708
- It's probably--
- It's just a lot of slack.
297
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:27,877
The cord is blending in
with the color of the carpet.
298
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,587
- So what--what--
- Okay, I just think that--
299
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,381
Young Bidness, why don't
you drop the mic cable
300
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,716
and have a seat?
301
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:36,177
This is what we used to call
back in the Army a FUBAR.
302
00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:37,678
Let me just--okay,
let me just tell you--
303
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:39,847
No, get--
don't get involved.
304
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:41,182
We have to get you
out of here.
305
00:10:41,265 --> 00:10:43,225
Amy, please,
can we just get--
306
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,145
Listen--
Here, If you let go of it...
307
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:46,854
Let me get in there.
308
00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:48,773
Don't get in it.
Don't--See?
309
00:10:48,856 --> 00:10:49,857
I'm trying
to get around--
310
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,068
Don't step
on my jacket!
311
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,819
$1,500 jacket, bitch.
312
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,196
Get--
313
00:10:55,279 --> 00:10:57,615
Why do we have black cords
and a black carpet?
314
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,283
All right, well,
you mother[bleep]--
315
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:04,038
I told y'all I wasn't gonna--
Louis, I swear to [bleep] God!
316
00:11:04,121 --> 00:11:05,039
We're gonna
take care of it.
317
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:07,166
Just stay put.
318
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:08,584
Now you got--
319
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,920
Now I seemed to have gotten
myself tangled in it.
320
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:12,880
Don't--you ain't--
321
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,924
Get off me, man.
322
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:15,508
Now it's just me.
323
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,093
Can I--may I help you?
324
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,052
Don't touch the jacket.
325
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:19,136
I'm sorry.
326
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,221
Look, okay, here's--
327
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:22,390
- Raise you knee.
- There's one end right here.
328
00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:24,809
- You got to get--Now--
- Hold on. I got bursitis.
329
00:11:24,892 --> 00:11:25,851
You know what?
Here.
330
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:26,894
Here's what
we're gonna do.
331
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:28,562
Have a seat here.
Put your fanny right here.
332
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,564
- Don't say "fanny."
- There.
333
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:31,941
- There you go.
- All right.
334
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,402
How you--You do it--
What, you do this--
335
00:11:34,485 --> 00:11:35,152
Don't.
336
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:36,529
You ain't taking
the pants off.
337
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,239
Nicole, God damn it.
Where is Jerry?
338
00:11:38,322 --> 00:11:39,865
This is some [bleep]
right here.
339
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,076
Same sound guy
for 27 years,
340
00:11:42,159 --> 00:11:43,244
and he vanishes
into thin air.
341
00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:43,911
All right,
all right, no.
342
00:11:43,994 --> 00:11:45,329
Nicole,
for God's sake.
343
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:48,082
All right,
Louis, Louis.
344
00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:49,290
Hold that.
345
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:51,669
Don't do anything
but hold that.
346
00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:53,087
Okay, no, no.
You got to put--
347
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,296
No, [bleep],
you got to take--
348
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,673
No, you can't take
the pants off over the shoes!
349
00:11:55,756 --> 00:11:57,383
You can't take
the pants off over the shoes!
350
00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:59,927
Louis, Louis,
get your white ass
351
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:00,928
out the mother[bleep].
352
00:12:01,011 --> 00:12:02,096
You ain't
helping nobody.
353
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,723
- All right, all right.
- I'm taking the shoes off.
354
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,768
Okay, left one first.
All right, well...
355
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,228
do whatever the [bleep]
you want, then, [bleep], fine.
356
00:12:09,311 --> 00:12:12,690
Thank you.
One, two...
357
00:12:12,773 --> 00:12:14,108
Thank you!
358
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:16,527
I told y'all I wasn't
gonna talk about that [bleep]!
359
00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:25,494
We'll be right back
with Alec Baldwin.
360
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,622
[haunting Western music]
361
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:30,624
(Jordan)
I'm not like one
of those guys that's, like--
362
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,543
who wants a girl
to call him "Daddy" or anything.
363
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:33,461
I don't like...
[mumbling]
364
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,963
- [shudders]
- Uncle is fine.
365
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:37,423
You know
what I mean?
366
00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:39,592
- Grandpa.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
367
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:42,094
[laughing]
368
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:43,387
- You know, this is the--
- Papi.
369
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,222
- Papi.
- Abuelo.
370
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,348
You know?
Just no--
371
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:47,558
Just--
Daddy is just--
372
00:12:47,641 --> 00:12:50,019
That's weird.
That's strange to me.
373
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:51,896
- That's strange to me.
- It's weird.
374
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:53,189
That's strange
to me.
375
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,065
Your Highness.
These are the kind of--
376
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:56,317
Big boy.
377
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,611
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
378
00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,237
Paul Bunyan.
379
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:01,822
I'll go for "babe."
380
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,032
Oh, hello.
381
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:07,745
[haunting Western music]
382
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:11,665
Do you think a girl would be
disappointed if I got her
383
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:15,836
a ring that was diamonds
made to look like
384
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,505
the Ghostbusters symbol?
385
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:20,341
Do not make me
stop this car,
386
00:13:20,424 --> 00:13:22,468
'cause I will stop this car
and strand you
387
00:13:22,551 --> 00:13:24,053
in the middle
of the Mojave Desert.
388
00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:25,095
I'm just asking
a question.
389
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:26,388
That's the most--No.
390
00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:27,973
That's the most
ludicrous thing
391
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,767
I've ever heard you
utter in my life.
392
00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:30,726
That's what I mean.
Well, I just--
393
00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:33,521
Is that a thought
that was in your mind?
394
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:34,480
I'm thinking something--
395
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:36,524
I mean, we both
have to look at it
396
00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:37,525
all the time,
397
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:40,486
so it's, like,
you know--
398
00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:43,739
She wants something
that comes from my heart.
399
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:44,865
The Ghostbusters symbol--
400
00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:46,325
that's just, like,
the first thing--
401
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,285
Oh, Jordan.
402
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:50,371
Don't ever
do that again.
403
00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:52,623
Don't ever speak to me
of diamond-encrusted
404
00:13:52,706 --> 00:13:54,833
Ghostbusters symbols
again, ever.
405
00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:56,502
Buy that for you.
406
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,007
There you go.
407
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,175
Excuse me.
408
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,343
Oh, excuse me, sir.
409
00:14:04,426 --> 00:14:05,052
Are you
sitting in 26G?
410
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:07,054
Yes.
411
00:14:07,137 --> 00:14:08,222
Have I done
something wrong?
412
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,056
No, no, no, no,
we just wanted to ask
413
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,849
if you would mind
switching seats
414
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,226
so that a mother and a child
could sit together.
415
00:14:12,309 --> 00:14:16,730
But I'm back there.
416
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,649
Right, yeah, but you'd
actually be sitting here...
417
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,443
[gentle harp flourish]
418
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,862
Which is
in Economy Plus.
419
00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,739
It's actually
an upgrade.
420
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:26,907
Upgrade, you say.
421
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,909
Mm-hmm.
422
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:30,494
Economy Plus.
423
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:31,620
Yes, sir.
424
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,747
Oh.
425
00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:35,165
Don't mind
if I do.
426
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,917
Great, great.
Carry-on?
427
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:39,712
Carry on
yourself, Alex.
428
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:40,254
Thank you.
429
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:43,465
[classical music]
430
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,466
Economy Plus.
431
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,595
Mm, for the discerning
passenger.
432
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:48,262
[chuckles]
433
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:50,180
[chuckles]
434
00:14:50,264 --> 00:14:54,977
We're not
in Kansas anymore, Toto.
435
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:56,103
(man over PA)
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is your captain speaking.
436
00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:59,857
We should be leaving Topeka
in the next ten minutes.
437
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:01,358
I stand corrected.
438
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:02,568
Looks like we're gonna have
a smooth flight.
439
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:04,945
Trust me,
I know the captain,
440
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,364
and he is, uh,
one smooth guy.
441
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,533
- [scoffs]
- [chuckles]
442
00:15:13,245 --> 00:15:16,373
[laughing]
443
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:23,172
Of course
he knows the captain.
444
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:24,632
He is the captain.
445
00:15:24,715 --> 00:15:27,468
Oh-ho-ho!
Ho! Oh!
446
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:29,595
Move over,
Colin Mochrie.
447
00:15:29,678 --> 00:15:33,140
There's a new face
in the biz.
448
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:35,059
His name is Captain.
449
00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:37,811
[laughing]
450
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:42,816
Have to be in Economy Plus
to get it, I guess.
451
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,234
[sighs]
452
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:49,448
Extra foot room.
453
00:15:49,531 --> 00:15:52,993
One inch at least.
454
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,536
Mm.
455
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,751
Sky Shoppe magazine.
456
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,002
[chuckles]
457
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:04,046
Don't mind if I do.
458
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:10,344
Oh, dog-eared
for my convenience.
459
00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:13,764
Lord of the Rings cups.
460
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:16,684
Lord of the Rings tables.
461
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,227
Oh. Oh!
462
00:16:18,310 --> 00:16:22,022
Oh!
Holy shiatsu massage!
463
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,358
[laughs]
Economy Plus!
464
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:28,278
It hurts a little,
but--but I like it.
465
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:31,073
[crying]
466
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,284
Wrong spot.
467
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:36,495
[snoring]
468
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:40,290
[airplane rattling]
469
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:45,087
[thunder rumbling]
470
00:16:56,473 --> 00:17:00,352
[thunder booms]
471
00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,480
[suspenseful music]
472
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,523
[thunder booms]
473
00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:12,321
♪ ♪
474
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:13,741
Hmm.
475
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:14,950
And I thought
I had an upgrade.
476
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,748
[haunting Western music]
477
00:17:20,830 --> 00:17:22,040
[doorbell rings]
478
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:26,252
Hey, happy house--
What the [bleep]?
479
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:28,797
What?
480
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,008
You--
Hitler mustache.
481
00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:33,093
What?
No, no, no, no, dog.
482
00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,387
No, this a Charlie Chaplin
mustache.
483
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:36,096
You know
Charlie Chaplin, right?
484
00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,931
Yeah, I know
Charlie Chaplin.
485
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,267
You know I'm a fan
of silent-film comedy, right?
486
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:41,602
Yeah?
487
00:17:41,685 --> 00:17:42,811
Well, come on, man!
488
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,272
Hitler ain't the only person
who gets to have this mustache.
489
00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:48,859
Yeah, I guess Michael Jordan
had one, too, for a little bit.
490
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:50,277
Exactly, exactly, right?
491
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,945
And guess what.
I'm not gonna let some monster
492
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,114
from the 20th century
dictate fashion
493
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:57,034
for all of eternity,
you know what I'm talking about?
494
00:17:57,117 --> 00:17:58,702
Other people get to have
this mustache if they want it.
495
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:01,914
All right,
yeah, it just--
496
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:03,707
just kind of
caught me off guard.
497
00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:05,959
Okay, all right.
498
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,211
Oh, man, you crazy.
499
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,962
You got to take it
easy, man.
500
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,756
This is my abode,
brother.
501
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:12,007
[growls]
502
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,467
When did you
get a German shepherd?
503
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:14,468
What, Adolph here?
504
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:16,136
Say what?
505
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,847
No, no.
506
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:19,807
No.
507
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,141
Not Adolf Hitler, okay?
508
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,851
Adolph Marx.
Harpo.
509
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,187
I love the Marx Brothers.
Why are you busting my chops?
510
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:27,105
- You know this.
- Well, it's--
511
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:28,023
You know what?
512
00:18:28,106 --> 00:18:29,817
You need to relax
and take it easy, okay?
513
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,319
Everything
is cool, man.
514
00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:34,571
Let's crack these open,
all right?
515
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,156
I'll show you the kitchen.
516
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,115
Kitchen's amazing, man.
517
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:37,950
The best part
about this house is,
518
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:40,702
I got this thing
for, like, $20,000--
519
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:42,538
Oh, no!
520
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:43,622
What?
521
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:45,415
Nope.
522
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:46,625
What, the swastika?
523
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,168
Yeah, the swastika.
524
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:50,170
This is a vintage
comedy prop
525
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,214
from the movie
The Producers, okay?
526
00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:53,173
You saw
The Producers,
527
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,591
the musical
inside the musical.
528
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,093
Mel Brooks--
and they did a remake.
529
00:18:56,176 --> 00:18:57,970
It had Nathan Lane
and Matthew Broderick in it.
530
00:18:58,053 --> 00:18:59,179
Nathan Lane
was in the cut.
531
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:01,390
That's a symbol
of hate, man.
532
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:02,808
You can't just hang that
on your wall.
533
00:19:02,891 --> 00:19:04,852
It's a comedy prop, man.
534
00:19:04,935 --> 00:19:06,520
It's just like
a rubber chicken.
535
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:08,188
It's not like
a rubber chicken.
536
00:19:08,272 --> 00:19:09,815
You need to relax.
537
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:11,692
You need to take it easy
right now.
538
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:13,569
Have a beer, all right?
Just sit down.
539
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,030
Fine.
540
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:24,329
I'm a big comedy fan.
You like comedy, right?
541
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,164
Yeah, who doesn't
like comedy?
542
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:28,208
Well, there's a lot of people
who don't like comedy.
543
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,377
You know, there's a lot
of people out there, dog,
544
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:31,920
straight up, who don't have
a sense of humor, man.
545
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,214
- Yeah, that's true.
- Right?
546
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,008
I mean,
there are people who--
547
00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,510
I'll go so far as to say--
are comedy haters.
548
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,262
[scoffs]
All right.
549
00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,054
But it'd just be better
if, you know,
550
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,098
instead of putting
each other down,
551
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,683
if all the comedy lovers
got together
552
00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:46,226
and found some--
somehow to organize
553
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:50,230
and do something
about the comedy-hater problem.
554
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,315
Okay.
555
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:52,774
I have a proposition
for you.
556
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,359
What if you were to be
my second-in-command
557
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,653
in figuring out a way to get rid
of all the comedy haters?
558
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,030
I was thinking
what we could do is
559
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,282
put all of them in, like, one
little small section of town,
560
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,409
and then we can
demonize them in the media.
561
00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:05,078
Nope.
562
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:05,746
You a Nazi.
563
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:07,873
What is going on?
564
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,166
All right,
see you at work.
565
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,921
(Jordan)
You ever had a friend
who got into Phish?
566
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:16,298
Fun band.
Good jam band.
567
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:19,092
But when dudes
get into Phish,
568
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:20,260
they don't come back.
569
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:21,970
They don't come back.
No, I've been there.
570
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:22,930
It's a bad drug.
571
00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:24,765
Dudes start
getting into, like--
572
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:27,225
"Man, so I went to--yeah,
I went to that one concert.
573
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:32,648
I got 'Weasel Face.'
They did 'Bubble Trouble.'"
574
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:33,398
Oh, really?
575
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:35,901
"Straight
into 'Sponge Head.'"
576
00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:36,902
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
577
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:38,195
You're just like,
578
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:43,450
"[Bleep], what's wrong
with your [bleep] head?"
579
00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:44,785
Well, and then, finally,
I was like,
580
00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:45,786
"All right, man.
I'll go, I'll go.
581
00:20:45,869 --> 00:20:48,747
I'll go to this--
I'll go to this Phish show."
582
00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:50,582
Cut to me 20 minutes in,
talking about--
583
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,459
[imitates guitar music]
584
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:55,170
Ah!
I'm getting a bobble head!
585
00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:56,546
[laughs]
586
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,465
(man)
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
587
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,467
Oh, yeah.
588
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,138
- Young Bidness.
- Where am I?
589
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:06,974
Young Bidness, you're still
on The Morty Jebsen Show.
590
00:21:07,057 --> 00:21:08,433
What we--
what we talking about?
591
00:21:08,517 --> 00:21:10,477
We were talking--
592
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,480
We were talking about
Tina Bouquet and yours breakup.
593
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,565
Yeah, I [bleep] her up.
I [bleep] her up.
594
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:16,566
[laughter]
- Cut.
41084
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