Original subtitles

I said it. I said it right there.

I was like, "You a woman."

- Mm-hmm. - "I'm a man."

- Mm-hmm. - There's a difference--

Oh, what?

They bumpin' [bleep] up in here.

Here it is. It's going off.

Yo! Hey!

Which one of y'all mother[bleep]...

bumped me?

I did.

What the [bleep] you gonna do about it?

What's up?

Oh, I'll tell you what I'ma do about it!

You don't want to do this today.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah, what?

You lucky my friend's holding me.

You lucky, 'cause I'll tear your head off!

Don't hold me back, dude! Don't hold me back!

Oh, okay. Then go for it.

See, I know, though,

if I were to lunge at you right now,

my friend right here-- he'd catch me

at the last possible second--

No, no, no, I won't.

But my friend does have the cognizance

to tell me I don't need to be going up

and committing capital murder up in a club tonight.

Oh, no, just knock him unconscious, dog.

Bam!

You don't have to kill anybody.

I mean, no need for that. That's excessive.

Tear him up.

I will, but--

[stammering] Wait. Let me finish my sentence.

I will, uh...

Oh!

Oh, snap. You know what?

You lucky my boy's using his telekinetic powers

to hold me back right now.

No, I'm not.

Well, maybe it's the type of telekinesis

that's a mutant power that you didn't realize you had

until the moment it--

Oh, oh!

I got it. I see, I see.

So you want me to hold you back.

[Bleep]...

[screaming]

I'm a dragon.

Oh, yeah, I want to rip this.

I'm a lion. I'm a tiger over here.

I'm a bear. Oh, my.

I'll go crazy on you.

Oh, I can't believe it.

The man--he's like a tornado up in here.

Don't hold me back.

I can't even believe I can hold him back.

Do it, man!

I can't believe I'm this strong!

Let me go! Let me go!

I'm one-arming it. I can't believe I'm this strong.

Let me go!

I'ma hold him back with one finger.

He's like a little baby. He can't get past me.

He's like a little--Ow! What?

- I'm a little baby? - I'm holding you back, man!

- You're stupid, man! - I know.

I got carried away. I apologize.

What you mean you got carried away?

You told me to hold you back. I was holding you back.

What do you want me to do?

In a fight situation, no means no,

and yes means yes.

How would I have known that?

Oh, wait. Come on, man, ow.

Come on, that hurt.

And you holding me back now?

Thank you very much for that.

Okay, well, just at least change it up.

Okay, now you listen.

[haunting Western music]

♪ ♪

- You know what we have as men? - What's that?

The sorrow to know that we will never

bring life into this planet.

Are you--is that something that you're mourning?

Are you mourning the fact

that you don't have that opportunity?

I mean, women have the special superhuman power

to produce another human from their body.

We do help in that endeavor...

- more often than not. - Eh.

We toss a little something in there,

into the mixture.

Did you have to say "toss"?

Well, you know, you do things your way.

I'll do things my way.

Do you know what I mean?

Mm-mm. No. No, no, wait.

Hold on. No. I do not--

I have no idea what you mean.

So what do you want to do tonight?

Like, I was thinking maybe we could meet up

with Amy and Brad, and, like, before that,

we could go to Angela's, and before that,

we could, like, just go--

Meegan.

I have something to say.

[exhales sharply]

I had to say it in person

because it's-- it's, like, super important.

Okay.

Um...

I know this is sudden, but, like,

I've been thinking about this for a while.

And I know this is something that needs to happen.

I'm breaking up with you.

Cool. Love it.

Totally fine with that.

- R-Really? - Yeah.

'Cause I thought--

I was really worried

that you were gonna be, like, mad.

Mad? Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

No, of course I'm not mad.

People grow apart. It happens.

It's, like, part of life.

No, I'm totally fine.

Like, love it, love it, love it.

Um... [clears throat]

So...

Uh, um...

we had a good run.

Yeah.

And, uh, don't be a stranger.

Can I just--

Can I ask why?

- Why? - Yeah, like, whatevs.

Like, I'm doing some work on myself

and, like, trying to grow as a person,

so I'd really, like, appreciate to know why.

Yeah, um...

Okay, yeah, that's, like--

You know, I think that you're kind of, like,

a controlling person who--

Thank you. Thank you for that.

That's nice. Thank you for that.

Cool. No problem.

So you know what your problem is, Andre?

What?

You keep tabs on people.

Every little thing somebody does,

you have to keep a tab of it.

Wait. I-I can't tell if you're angry or not.

I'm not.

Mm, totally not angry.

No, I'm excited. It's good.

It's just, like, you said your piece,

and I just think that I deserve the human decency

to say my piece.

Right, right.

Is that-- is that not okay?

No, no, no. It's--

Of course, of course.

You're a controlling, manipulative person.

Everyone says that.

I-I don't think that I am.

Yes, you are, Andre.

Yes, you mother[bleep] are.

Okay, now--now, you sound pretty angry.

I'm not angry!

I'm not angry. I'm fine.

I love it!

I love that you came to my house,

and you broke up with me in my space.

And I'm gonna think about that every time I'm here.

That's great. That is so perfect for me.

[crying] It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Where else was I supposed to do it?

'Cause you won't come to my house.

Oh, here he is. The puppet master is back.

But I'm not-- No, I'm not the puppet master.

Why are you doing this to me?

It's true. You won't come to my house.

You said my apartment looks like two rats

just [bleep] in it every [bleep] day.

Oh, right, like, thank you for that.

I'm a bitch. Thank you.

I didn't call-- no, I didn't say "bitch."

- I didn't-- - Which is it?

Am I evil, or am I a bitch?

No, no, you're not evil, Meegan.

Well, then why are you punishing me?

I'm not punishing you. I'm not--

You broke up with me,

and I'm not supposed to feel punished.

- Who thinks like that? - [shouting]

I don't know! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, okay, Meegan?

I guess I didn't think it through.

Well, it's, like, too late now.

- I mean, we're done. - No, it's not too late.

Meegan, Meegan, seriously, I just--

I-I-I had a feeling that I thought was true,

and clearly-- clearly it wasn't true.

Like, I'm so confused.

Like, are you breaking up with me,

or are you not breaking up with me?

Meegan, I'm not breaking up with you!

Okay, cool. So what do you want to do tonight?

Like, I want to hang out with Amy and Brad,

but maybe before that, we can go to Angela's.

[dark music]

♪ ♪

What just happened?

[smooth jazz music]

Welcome back to The Morty Jebsen Show.

I'm Morty Jebsen.

We're here today continuing our conversation

with unbelievable mega superstar

Young Bidness.

Now, Young Bidness, I got to tell you,

we've been tiptoeing around

a particular subject all day,

and I think it's time to broach it.

You've separated recently with your actress girlfriend,

Tina Bouquet.

- No, Mort, Mort. - And everybody wants to know--

We ain't gonna talk about that.

I'm not here to talk about that.

I just want to hear your side of the story.

You don't want to hear-- I told y'all mother[bleep]

we weren't gonna talk about that, Mort.

I'm trying to talk about the music.

And lots of people understand that you're talking

about your own personal experiences.

Your fans would like to know--

How many times I need--

Why--what-- The fans don't want to know.

That's-- You want to know!

- I just want to clarify-- - You want to know.

You ain't want to clari-- You want clarification?

I want to hear your side of the story.

I'll tell you my side of the story.

Interview's over. How about that?

Interview's over.

- Please, Young Bidness. - Done.

There's no need for the interview to be over.

Interview's over.

All y'all mother[bleep].

Young Bidness, there's no need for the language or any of this.

All y'all-- I told y'all mother[bleep]

I wasn't gonna talk about that.

Do you want to talk about the album?

'Cause I'd be more than happy to talk about the album.

- This is the C-Word. - Mort.

It looks like it's well on its way to going platinum.

[Bleep]--Get the [bleep] away from me, [bleep].

Louis, Louis.

Well on its way to going platinum.

We can talk about this.

This [bleep] is tucked in here.

It's fine with me.

You want to talk about the album?

We can talk about the album.

How about Tanks of Truth?

Tanks of Truth-- is that a treatise

on the conflict with ISIS?

I mean, what-- talk to me about this.

What--

Young Bidness, please, I'm begging you.

Just sit down, take a deep breath,

and let's discuss.

- No. - Let's discuss the album.

It's done, Mort. It's done.

So...

You brought this on yourself, Mort.

- Young Bidness-- - You brought it on yourself.

Young Bidness, Young Bidness,

I would really love it if you had a seat,

and we could just talk together

about anything-- anything you want.

We don't--I won't mention Tina's name again.

Young Bidness.

How the [bleep]--

Youthful--

How does-- where does it go to?

Louis, help him.

No, get the [bleep]-- get the [bleep] off me, Louis.

Louis, go.

Leave it be.

You're exacerbating the situation.

(Young Bidness) This [bleep] attached to?

- It's probably-- - It's just a lot of slack.

The cord is blending in with the color of the carpet.

- So what--what-- - Okay, I just think that--

Young Bidness, why don't you drop the mic cable

and have a seat?

This is what we used to call back in the Army a FUBAR.

Let me just--okay, let me just tell you--

No, get-- don't get involved.

We have to get you out of here.

Amy, please, can we just get--

Listen-- Here, If you let go of it...

Let me get in there.

Don't get in it. Don't--See?

I'm trying to get around--

Don't step on my jacket!

$1,500 jacket, bitch.

Get--

Why do we have black cords and a black carpet?

All right, well, you mother[bleep]--

I told y'all I wasn't gonna-- Louis, I swear to [bleep] God!

We're gonna take care of it.

Just stay put.

Now you got--

Now I seemed to have gotten myself tangled in it.

Don't--you ain't--

Get off me, man.

Now it's just me.

Can I--may I help you?

Don't touch the jacket.

I'm sorry.

Look, okay, here's--

- Raise you knee. - There's one end right here.

- You got to get--Now-- - Hold on. I got bursitis.

You know what? Here.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Have a seat here. Put your fanny right here.

- Don't say "fanny." - There.

- There you go. - All right.

How you--You do it-- What, you do this--

Don't.

You ain't taking the pants off.

Nicole, God damn it. Where is Jerry?

This is some [bleep] right here.

Same sound guy for 27 years,

and he vanishes into thin air.

All right, all right, no.

Nicole, for God's sake.

All right, Louis, Louis.

Hold that.

Don't do anything but hold that.

Okay, no, no. You got to put--

No, [bleep], you got to take--

No, you can't take the pants off over the shoes!

You can't take the pants off over the shoes!

Louis, Louis, get your white ass

out the mother[bleep].

You ain't helping nobody.

- All right, all right. - I'm taking the shoes off.

Okay, left one first. All right, well...

do whatever the [bleep] you want, then, [bleep], fine.

Thank you. One, two...

Thank you!

I told y'all I wasn't gonna talk about that [bleep]!

We'll be right back with Alec Baldwin.

[haunting Western music]

(Jordan) I'm not like one of those guys that's, like--

who wants a girl to call him "Daddy" or anything.

I don't like... [mumbling]

- [shudders] - Uncle is fine.

You know what I mean?

- Grandpa. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

[laughing]

- You know, this is the-- - Papi.

- Papi. - Abuelo.

You know? Just no--

Just-- Daddy is just--

That's weird. That's strange to me.

- That's strange to me. - It's weird.

That's strange to me.

Your Highness. These are the kind of--

Big boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Paul Bunyan.

I'll go for "babe."

Oh, hello.

[haunting Western music]

Do you think a girl would be disappointed if I got her

a ring that was diamonds made to look like

the Ghostbusters symbol?

Do not make me stop this car,

'cause I will stop this car and strand you

in the middle of the Mojave Desert.

I'm just asking a question.

That's the most--No.

That's the most ludicrous thing

I've ever heard you utter in my life.

That's what I mean. Well, I just--

Is that a thought that was in your mind?

I'm thinking something--

I mean, we both have to look at it

all the time,

so it's, like, you know--

She wants something that comes from my heart.

The Ghostbusters symbol--

that's just, like, the first thing--

Oh, Jordan.

Don't ever do that again.

Don't ever speak to me of diamond-encrusted

Ghostbusters symbols again, ever.

Buy that for you.

There you go.

Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Are you sitting in 26G?

Yes.

Have I done something wrong?

No, no, no, no, we just wanted to ask

if you would mind switching seats

so that a mother and a child could sit together.

But I'm back there.

Right, yeah, but you'd actually be sitting here...

[gentle harp flourish]

Which is in Economy Plus.

It's actually an upgrade.

Upgrade, you say.

Mm-hmm.

Economy Plus.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

Don't mind if I do.

Great, great. Carry-on?

Carry on yourself, Alex.

Thank you.

[classical music]

Economy Plus.

Mm, for the discerning passenger.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

(man over PA) Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

We should be leaving Topeka in the next ten minutes.

I stand corrected.

Looks like we're gonna have a smooth flight.

Trust me, I know the captain,

and he is, uh, one smooth guy.

- [scoffs] - [chuckles]

[laughing]

Of course he knows the captain.

He is the captain.

Oh-ho-ho! Ho! Oh!

Move over, Colin Mochrie.

There's a new face in the biz.

His name is Captain.

[laughing]

Have to be in Economy Plus to get it, I guess.

[sighs]

Extra foot room.

One inch at least.

Mm.

Sky Shoppe magazine.

[chuckles]

Don't mind if I do.

Oh, dog-eared for my convenience.

Lord of the Rings cups.

Lord of the Rings tables.

Oh. Oh!

Oh! Holy shiatsu massage!

[laughs] Economy Plus!

It hurts a little, but--but I like it.

[crying]

Wrong spot.

[snoring]

[airplane rattling]

[thunder rumbling]

[thunder booms]

[suspenseful music]

[thunder booms]

♪ ♪

Hmm.

And I thought I had an upgrade.

[haunting Western music]

[doorbell rings]

Hey, happy house-- What the [bleep]?

What?

You-- Hitler mustache.

What? No, no, no, no, dog.

No, this a Charlie Chaplin mustache.

You know Charlie Chaplin, right?

Yeah, I know Charlie Chaplin.

You know I'm a fan of silent-film comedy, right?

Yeah?

Well, come on, man!

Hitler ain't the only person who gets to have this mustache.

Yeah, I guess Michael Jordan had one, too, for a little bit.

Exactly, exactly, right?

And guess what. I'm not gonna let some monster

from the 20th century dictate fashion

for all of eternity, you know what I'm talking about?

Other people get to have this mustache if they want it.

All right, yeah, it just--

just kind of caught me off guard.

Okay, all right.

Oh, man, you crazy.

You got to take it easy, man.

This is my abode, brother.

[growls]

When did you get a German shepherd?

What, Adolph here?

Say what?

No, no.

No.

Not Adolf Hitler, okay?

Adolph Marx. Harpo.

I love the Marx Brothers. Why are you busting my chops?

- You know this. - Well, it's--

You know what?

You need to relax and take it easy, okay?

Everything is cool, man.

Let's crack these open, all right?

I'll show you the kitchen.

Kitchen's amazing, man.

The best part about this house is,

I got this thing for, like, $20,000--

Oh, no!

What?

Nope.

What, the swastika?

Yeah, the swastika.

This is a vintage comedy prop

from the movie The Producers, okay?

You saw The Producers,

the musical inside the musical.

Mel Brooks-- and they did a remake.

It had Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick in it.

Nathan Lane was in the cut.

That's a symbol of hate, man.

You can't just hang that on your wall.

It's a comedy prop, man.

It's just like a rubber chicken.

It's not like a rubber chicken.

You need to relax.

You need to take it easy right now.

Have a beer, all right? Just sit down.

Fine.

I'm a big comedy fan. You like comedy, right?

Yeah, who doesn't like comedy?

Well, there's a lot of people who don't like comedy.

You know, there's a lot of people out there, dog,

straight up, who don't have a sense of humor, man.

- Yeah, that's true. - Right?

I mean, there are people who--

I'll go so far as to say-- are comedy haters.

[scoffs] All right.

But it'd just be better if, you know,

instead of putting each other down,

if all the comedy lovers got together

and found some-- somehow to organize

and do something about the comedy-hater problem.

Okay.

I have a proposition for you.

What if you were to be my second-in-command

in figuring out a way to get rid of all the comedy haters?

I was thinking what we could do is

put all of them in, like, one little small section of town,

and then we can demonize them in the media.

Nope.

You a Nazi.

What is going on?

All right, see you at work.

(Jordan) You ever had a friend who got into Phish?

Fun band. Good jam band.

But when dudes get into Phish,

they don't come back.

They don't come back. No, I've been there.

It's a bad drug.

Dudes start getting into, like--

"Man, so I went to--yeah, I went to that one concert.

I got 'Weasel Face.' They did 'Bubble Trouble.'"

Oh, really?

"Straight into 'Sponge Head.'"

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You're just like,

"[Bleep], what's wrong with your [bleep] head?"

Well, and then, finally, I was like,

"All right, man. I'll go, I'll go.

I'll go to this-- I'll go to this Phish show."

Cut to me 20 minutes in, talking about--

[imitates guitar music]

Ah! I'm getting a bobble head!

[laughs]

(man) ♪ I'm gonna do my one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.

- Young Bidness. - Where am I?

Young Bidness, you're still on The Morty Jebsen Show.

What we-- what we talking about?

We were talking--

We were talking about Tina Bouquet and yours breakup.

Yeah, I [bleep] her up. I [bleep] her up.

[laughter] - Cut.