Original subtitles

DRE: Fact... being a teenager is dumb.

Look at this one trying to close the deal

wearing his grandpa's fishing vest.

And she's for sure going to regret that haircut.

Teenage emotions can climb to the highest highs

and bottom out to the lowest lows.

That's because everything is so heightened, so emotional.

Love is more dramatic.

Music can make you lose your mind.

Your jokes are funnier.

Your fights are fight-ier.

And your friendships never seem more important.

Ever since Diane's sleepover,

she and her friend Sophie had been attached at the hip.

BOTH: Oh, my God! [Both laugh]

They could never do anything without the other.

Which one best says... "Don't try me"?

I wouldn't mess with you in either of those.

DRE: It was a never-ending stream of "what-ifs"

and plans for the future...

[Screaming]

[Both laugh]

...and I had never seen my little girl happier.

- ? 'Cause I'm my own soul mate ? - [Camera shutter clicks]

- ? I know how to love me ? - [Cellphone bloops]

- ? Love me ? - [Both chuckle]

? I know that I'm always gonna hold me down ?

- Boom. - [Cellphone chimes]

- First. - You're always first.

I know.

Which is why we weren't expecting this.

Hey, Mom.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Mom.

How was school?

They caught a seventh grader selling access

to the teachers' bathroom for number twos.

- That's disgusting. - It was wild.

Hey, Diane, let me know when you want to go shopping

for Sophie's birthday gift.

Actually, I don't think I'm gonna go to her party.

What do you mean you're not gonna go?

I'm not going to the party, and Sophie's dead to me.

What? What?

Just let it go, Mom.

Diane and Sophie are over.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sophie's dead to you? What does that even mean?

- What happened? - It's fine, Mom.

But you guys were best friends.

Yeah, that was fun for a minute,

but then I realized having a best friend

really isn't my brand.

- Okay. - Uh, she was born with a best friend.

She doesn't need to be running around all over town

- looking for one. - Uh-huh.

Anyway, I decided to get a jump-start

on being my own best friend.

If it works for Beyonc�, it works for me.

Okay.

Jack.

What is really going on?

All I know is they don't eat lunch together anymore.

And Joshua told Emily, who told Tyler, who heard from Savannah

that Sophie thinks Diane is too much.

Oh, no.

It's happening.

- [Sighs] - Yeah.

- Diane's in trouble. - What?

Our little girl has experienced her first heartbreak.

What? I didn't know she was dating somebody.

She wasn't, Dre. It was her best friend.

She got dumped by her best friend!

Ugh. Oh, look, Diane's gonna be fine, all right?

Friendships, they come and they go.

That's what happens.

You know that me and Sha didn't speak for six years?

And we were fine.

- You know why, Dre? - Why?

Because male friendships are garbage.

Female friendships are a lifeline.

Your best friend is the one person in the world

that can make you feel like you belong,

and if she rejects you,

then, I mean, it's devastating.

So make a sad playlist, get a revenge body, and get over it.

Dre, not everyone can just get over it.

Sophie told Diane she was "too much."

Do you know what it's like to be told that you're "too much"

at a formative age?

It can have devastating consequences.

This is about Amelia, isn't it?

Of course it's about Amelia!

But they're friendship bracelets.

I made them for you because you're my friend.

See, this is what I'm talking about, Rainbow.

It's just so intense with your friendship bracelets

and your sleepovers.

You're just way too much.

[Locker slams]

Yes, what happened to me and Amelia

is happening to Diane and Sophie.

- Okay. - She got kicked to the curb, Dre,

for doing nothing!

You sound like me

when I talk about my first girlfriend, Tamika.

Oh, my God.

She broke up with me on the bus,

and I had to wait seven stops before I could let it out.

Now, that was a breakup.

This is a breakup, too, Dre.

And you know what?

You know what the hardest part of my breakup was?

- What? - The fact that I was alone.

My mother said that, "If Amelia is gonna treat you like this,

then she doesn't deserve you."

Well, I'm not gonna leave Diane

swinging in the wind like that.

No, I'm not! I'mma fix this.

Do you even know what happened to Amelia?

I don't have time to waste on a part-time doula dog walker

from San Bernardino with a Red Hot Chili Pepper tramp stamp

who doesn't talk to her sister!

I'm a doctor! I save lives!

- DRE: Pass the ball! - JACK: Here's good defense.

Pass the ball!

- JUNIOR: Oh, we got this. It's all us! - No! That's it!

- Okay. - No!

- Touchdown! - No!

- Yeah! - Yo!

- Let's go! Let's go! - [Grunts]

I would've won this game had Kaepernick been playing!

[Paper tears]

- [Ominous music plays] - Uh.

?

What the hell?

What happened?

Well, we tried to re-create the classic Wrestle Kingdom

Okada/Tanahashi match.

I went for the Rainmaker,

and I accidentally threw him into the wall.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie... my grades dipped after that.

We didn't want you to freak out, so we covered the hole

with a poster.

It was a pretty elegant solution.

No, it was not!

RUBY: Hey, hey, hey.

What's all the yelling about?

Your grandsons put a hole in one of my favorite walls.

Don't they know how hard you work to give them walls?

No, they do not.

When I was your age, I broke her favorite lamp,

and you know what happened?

You got spanked?

Damn skippy.

I got spanked.

And then I had to put her lamp back together,

and it was good as new!

You two are gonna need to learn

how to fix things for yourselves

so you don't depend on other people.

Great.

Well, how do we learn how to fix things for ourselves?

Damn it, you're men.

Figure it out!

And fix my wall before anything nests.

I'll handle it, Dad. Already ordering a new poster.

Fix... my wall.

Yeah, listen. Hey, hey, hey!

Do it fast.

If squirrels get in that hole, the house is legally theirs.

Eh? Eh?

Ah.

I understand your concern, but we can't expel a girl

for not wanting to continue a friendship with Diane.

Okay.

So how about we aim a little smaller,

do a "Day of Healing"

about not stabbing your friends in the back?

Obviously, we can't do that either.

Okay, it feels like I am the only one

coming up with suggestions here.

I understand that you don't get it,

but when I lost my best friend, school became torture for me,

and I will not let that happen to Diane.

You think I don't get it?

[Notepad closes]

- When I was 14, my best friend dumped me. - [Gasps]

And to hurt me, she told the whole school

that I had sex with my stuffed animals.

I did not have sex with my stuffed animals.

Of course you didn't.

But a lot of people believed it.

Oh.

Haven't been able to go to a reunion.

So you get it.

- Dre doesn't understand. - [Laughs]

Your husband doesn't understand

not to park in a handicapped spot.

How's he supposed to understand this?

Finally, someone hears me.

What are we gonna do, Biggsy?

Well, unfortunately, as principal,

- I can't intervene here. - Ohh.

But as a woman who understands the pain of getting dumped

by your best friend, I beg you,

do something for your daughter.

- Save her. - I will.

I'm gonna start a rumor

that Sophie is dating her stuffed animals.

No. Nope.

- Not like that. - No. Nope.

- Not like that. - Not like that.

Hey! Diane!

I got you your favorite gummy bears

from that fancy candy store.

Cool. What'd you get me?

Stay out of this, Jack.

Diane.

Do you want to go with me on a quick, little errand?

- What are you up to, Mom? - Nothing.

Promise.

- Why are we on Sophie's street? - [Brakes squeal]

Why are we in front of Sophie's house?

Why are we at Sophie's door?!

This is an ambush, okay?

I got in touch with Sophie's mom,

and she and I both agree, sweetheart...

you guys need to talk.

Whatever is going on between the two of you

is not worth losing a friendship over.

- Wait. - [Doorbell rings]

If you get me out of here, I will give you gold.

- Real gold! - Diane.

- Hey, guys! - Hi.

Sophie, Diane is here!

- Come on in. - I'm good.

Uh, we...

- we would love to. - Mm.

- Hi. Hi. - Hi.

I'm here to drop off the donation for the fundraiser.

Ohh.

Uh, we're not doing a fundraiser.

Oh, Dre, you don't have to lie to me.

I know you've fallen on hard times.

- Mm. - Hard times?

My earrings cost more than your car.

- [Laughs] Oh, you're so silly. - JACK: Oh, Janine.

Thank you so much for supporting our project.

- [Sighs] - Donors like you give our dreams flight.

RUBY: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on a minute.

Are they out here telling the neighbors you need charity?

Oh, hell to the no.

Ten dollars?

I did not expect you to look in that until after I left.

[Scoffs] Trash.

Here, take it.

Why is she here?

Uh, you said to handle the situation, and I thought,

"How do people handle problems these days?"

- Crowdfunding. - Mm-hmm.

We're already over halfway there.

Honestly, it's the best idea he's ever had, so...

Mm-hmm.

"Our home is in constant danger of collapse,

- and so is our family"? - Mm-hmm.

Does the rest of the neighborhood know about this?

Well, I can't speak to how many people have read my e-mail,

but it was last night's top post on Nextdoor, so...

Take your money. We don't need it.

The Johnsons are doing just fine.

You're being so brave, but who's gonna be brave for you?

- Ah. Ah, ah, ah. - I, uh...

What was that about?

I told you guys to figure this out for yourselves.

We figured out how much it would cost

to have someone else fix it,

and we felt like it was a waste of our resources

to use our own money.

And now you can crowdfund anything.

- Want a limo for prom? - Crowdfund it.

Want to make a mixtape after being wrongly convicted

- on gun charges? - Crowdfund it.

What if your deacon was caught running a Ponzi scheme

and has to be bailed out of jail?

- Crowdfund it. - Crowdfund it.

- All right, then! - No!

Shut down the fundraiser now.

But Chrissy Teigen gave us $100.

So? Shut it down and figure it out for yourselves like I did.

RUBY: Hey, y'all!

There's a white woman coming up the walk with a casserole!

[Whispering] Scatter!

Bow made small talk about midsize SUVs and air fryers,

but really all she had on her mind

was whether her big plan would work.

Hey, Mom, do you have milk?

We're doing the ghost pepper potato chip challenge.

We're about to destroy our tastebuds.

Look at you two. BFFs, just BFF-ing.

Don't be extra, Mom.

Sorry. My bad. [Chuckles]

Come on, honey. Let me get you some glasses.

Whatever was bothering Sophie, she's over it.

She apologized and said

I should definitely come to her skating party.

- As if I would miss it. - Ohh.

- Aren't you glad we did this? - Mm-hmm.

You know, when I used to have friend trouble,

my mom would wave a crystal over my head

and tell me to clear my friend chakra.

Ugh. It's not even a real chakra.

- Mm. - Let's do this, Diane.

Time to make peace with God.

- Go do it. - Mm.

So, not to brag, but I knew, if we got them together,

they would work this out.

- I know! I'm so relieved. - Ah.

- Diane's a good kid. - Mm-hmm.

Not like some of those other girls.

Do you know Emily Copeland vapes?

That's why she always smells like raspberries.

- Exactly. - Unbelievable.

That's why I told Sophie, if she didn't fix things with Diane,

I would take away her allowance.

You... You forced Sophie to be friends with Diane again?

Technically, I bribed her. But it's no big deal.

Kids their age don't know what's good for them,

so I helped it along.

- Oh. - And it's working.

- They're friends again. - Yeah.

[Both laugh]

DIANE: Do it.

[Gasps] Ooh!

- [Laughs] - SOPHIE: Mnh-mnh!

So, how strict are you about writing friends prescriptions?

Oh, I'm glad to see you're working

with your hands to fix your mistake.

Yep, just like you did, big guy.

[Laughs]

Yo!

Where did you guys get all this stuff?

How did you afford this?! I know what you get paid!

[Chuckles] That was easy.

There was a guy signing people up for credit cards

outside of the store.

I got a stress ball and five percent off,

and I know the importance of saving money, so you're welcome.

Those cards charge twenty-five percent interest!

You're better off making a deal with a troll under a bridge!

[Stammers]

But... But you know what? You know what?

You're working with your hands,

and you have everything that you need, so there's no excuse

as to why you can't get the job done.

And when you're finished...

return everything that you don't need!

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Eh, we might want to cancel the bidet delivery.

?

The night of the birthday party, Bow was struggling

with the knowledge that Sophie's invitation was a lie.

Oh, can you take a picture for me

to send to Sophie for outfit approval?

I'm trying to make sure I get three dancing-lady emojis

before I can walk out the door.

- Sure. - Oh!

And, also, I was thinking maybe we could get another ticket

to the Cardi B concert so that Sophie can come with us.

Ohh.

And maybe, this summer, she can join us

on that family trip to San Diego.

Eh... maybe we don't need to be

thinking so far into the future, you know?

And are you sure that you really even want to go

to this skating thing tonight?

Uh, yes.

- It's my best friend's birthday. - Right.

Plus, people will be falling on their butts.

Do you think I'd want to miss that?

Oh, my God. That sounds so much fun.

- Yeah. - You know what else sounds fun?

No.

Not going.

What?

We could go to any R-rated movie that you want.

I'm talking language, violence, suggestive themes.

Mom, what are you doing?

Okay, fine! We don't need to do that!

Sweetheart, let me take you to Sephora.

I will buy you everything that you try on.

I want to go to the party.

You can drive my car!

I will give you the keys. Just d-don't go.

You dragged me to Sophie's house so we could make up,

and it worked.

Why are you trying to keep me from going to her party?

Uh, okay, okay.

So, okay, um, you and Sophie are best friends again because...

her mom made her.

- Oh, my God. - I know.

Sophie didn't want to make up.

No.

Now I've been sending her pictures and emojis

like everything is normal when... it's not normal.

Come here.

- I can't. - Okay.

I have to leave the country.

I've humiliated myself.

I don't just look thirsty... I look dehydrated.

[Gasps]

Dehydrated Diane.

Oh.

- My life is over. - Ohh.

Ohh.

Ohh.

- Hey, baby! - Hey, babe.

[Door closes]

- Hey. - [Scoffs]

- Are looking up your ex-best friend? - Yes.

She just became friends with CVS on Facebook.

- Who does that? - Wow.

This is worse than I thought.

I know.

Do you know that every time something good happens...

Mm-hmm.

...like when we got married,

when I graduated from med school, when we had kids,

I just hope that she finds out

so that she feels bad that I am no longer in her life.

Hm?

Are you ever going to let this go?

I don't know.

But seeing all this with Diane,

it just reminded me of being that sad, scared little girl.

- I'm sorry you went through all of that... - Thanks.

...but you went through that, not Diane.

You don't even know if she's feeling

the way you did, all right?

You can't dump your stuff on her.

Ugh. You're right.

You're right.

- This is about Diane and Sophie. - Mm-hmm.

- This isn't about me... - No.

...and this long-receipt-loving whore, Amelia.

- Babe! - I know!

I'mma talk to Diane.

- All right. - Okay.

You know what?

- I'm proud of you. - Thank you.

[Chuckles]

She broke her leg while she was skiing... in three places.

Like, she broke her leg.

[Laughs]

You're sick.

Hey.

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm... I'm great.

I'm looking up long-term rentals in Bangkok.

I think my new life's gonna be pretty okay.

Diane, I'm so sorry I went overboard

with trying to protect you, but all these years, I just...

I really wished my mom would've stepped in and helped me.

But now I realize it's not a problem a mom can fix.

Got to go through it on your own.

Even if it sucks.

And it really, really sucks.

You know, it's one thing to know you're not wanted,

- but... - Mm.

...it's way worse to get a pity invite,

especially since it felt so good to have my friend back.

Ohh.

You know, Sophie and I were gonna try out

for "American Idol" together?

Do you know that Amelia and I were gonna marry the brothers

from Menudo... Fernando and Nefty?

Who?

God, they were so... Anyway, s...

um, don't worry about it.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I know how hard this is.

Is it crazy that I still want to go to the party?

Of course not, no.

Okay.

I think I'm gonna go.

It'll be fun.

- Great. - Yeah.

Great. Okay.

Have fun, sweetheart.

Are you guys ready to see your new wall?

Please do not pause for a commercial,

and let's just see the damn thing.

Ta-da!

Ah!

Oh, my God. It looks diseased.

What did you do?

I'm glad you asked.

First, we put a time capsule in the hole,

including a copy of "Get Out," a Popeyes chicken sandwich,

and two letters to our future selves.

- Then we... - What's that smell?

We stuffed a bunch of dryer sheets in there

to keep it fresh, and once the wall was good and packed,

we spackled the hell out of it.

And then it was painting time.

We may have thrown a second coat on a bit too fast.

That's why it's so bubbly, but those bubbles

should either evaporate or stay there forever.

- Mm. - So...

Pretty cool how we matched the stripes, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Ah, seamless.

The wall didn't deserve that.

I don't know what to say, Mama.

Looks like these two lack the skills to handle their business

like I did back in the day.

- Ohh. - Hm!

You mean the botch job you did on my lamp?

What?

I made that lamp as good as new.

No, you didn't.

It was more Krazy Glue than it was lamp.

I tossed it and ordered a new one with my cigarette bucks.

But, Mama, you said you was proud of me

and that I was finally a man.

I lied.

The important thing is that you tried, and you learned that,

if you made a mistake, you were gonna have to fix it yourself!

And that's the lesson that I was trying to pass on to you two.

You're welcome.

[Muffled ringtone plays, cellphone vibrating]

- Oh. - [Sighs]

That's my phone.

[Ringtone continues]

[Sighs]

Maybe you'll have better luck with the baby.

?

How did it go?

You're back so soon.

Let's just say...

I'm really glad I went.

? Is it you? Is it you? Is it you? ?

- [Fire alarm ringing, blaring] - [Indistinct shouting]

? Is it you? Is it you? Is it you? ?

I needed to make sure the friendship ended on my terms.

Huh.

Thank you for telling me the truth, Mom.

Oh.

I don't want to be friends with anyone

who doesn't want to be friends with me.

Ah. That's what my mom said to me.

God, Diane, you are so much better at this than I am.

I'm still holding on to a 30-year-old heartbreak

caused by a woman who still can't walk in high heels.

Why are you letting this Amelia live in your head rent-free?

- What? - You're Dr. Rainbow Johnson.

- Yeah? - You hold people's lives in your hands

while supporting five children...

- Huh. - ...six if you count Dad.

[Laughs]

You hold it down at home and at work

all while looking amazing.

[Sighs] I don't know this woman,

but there's no way she can have it better than you.

Thank you, Diane.

Can we be best friends?

I'll get back to you.

Oh. Of course, yeah. Oh.

You know where to find me, though.

[Laughs]

- 2020 ghost pepper potato chip challenge! - Potato chip challenge!

- Oh, I'm starting to feel it already. - Yeah?

Yeah! Oh, my God. Yeah, it's hot.

- Yeah? - It's hot.

I swapped mine out for a Pringle.

- What?! - Yeah.

- No! - No, but this is hilarious, Mom.

- No, it's not hilarious. - Yes!

Oh, my God. It's starting to burn.

It's starting to burn. Wait, why did I do this?

- I don't know. - Gimme the milk, gimme the milk!

- Oh, this milk? - No, no. Yeah, that milk.

Gimme the milk. No, babe, don't... uh, babe.

Oh, my God. Oh, God!

Okay. I've been...

That's so hot.

I've been betrayed by my daughter!

How could you do this?! She... Aah!

- Like this video, guys. - [Gagging]

[Speaking indistinctly]