Original subtitles

[splat]

(Whitney Cummings) FROM MY HOMETOWN, WASHINGTON, D.C.,

PLEASE WELCOME...

ME.

[cheers, whistles, applause]

*

[cheers, whistles, applause]

*

WHAT IS UP, D.C.? COME ON!

COME ON!

[cheers, whistles, applause]

WOW, D.C.! MY HOMETOWN, BITCHES!

COME ON!

[cheers, whistles, applause]

I AM WEARING SO MUCH MAKEUP RIGHT NOW, GUYS,

I AM LIKE THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA OF COMEDY.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAKEUP.

COME ON!

[cheers, whistles, applause]

THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!

I-- SO GOOD TO BE HOME. I LOVE D.C. SO MUCH.

I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN SO LONG.

FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND,

OUR MAYOR DOES NOT DO DRUGS ANYMORE.

IS THAT WHAT I--- SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE?

BUT, UH, NOW THAT I'M A COMEDIAN I TRAVEL SO MUCH NOW

AND MY FAVORITE THING TO DO WHEN I FLY

IS READ THIS MAGAZINE CALLED COSMOPOLITAN.

LADIES, DO WE READ THIS MAGAZINE?

[women whooping]

THIS MAGAZINE BASICALLY TEACHES US

HOW TO BE SLUTS, RIGHT?

[laughter]

LIKE, THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN THERE.

IT WAS LIKE, "HOW TO TURN ON YOUR GUY."

- HE'S A GUY. - [laughter]

- TAKE OFF A SOCK, OKAY? - [laughter, applause]

THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE.

IT WAS LIKE, "FOR ADVENTUROUS SEX,

"SURPRISE YOUR MAN AT WORK

FOR A QUICKIE."

I'M LIKE, I CANNOT SURPRISE MY MAN AT WORK

FOR A QUICKIE, OKAY?

HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB.

WHAT, I'M GONNA GO UP TO HIM

WHILE HE'S WATCHING SPORTS ON THE COUCH,

"SURPRISE"?

THEN THERE WAS THE WHOLE SECTION-- I SWEAR TO GOD--

ON SEX "TRICKS."

TRICKS? I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANY TRICKS IN THE BEDROOM.

I HAVE A VAGINA, OKAY?

TA-DA!

I JUST GET TO TAKE A TYLENOL P.M. AND LIE THERE.

THAT'S ALL I'M DOING.

[laughter, applause]

YOU DON'T WANT MY VAGINA DOING TRICKS.

WHAT IF I WAS JUST LIKE, WAA-LAH!

A BIRD FLEW OUT.

[laughter, applause]

AND THEN THERE WAS A WHOLE SECTION,

IT WAS LIKE, "HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN SCREAM

IN THE BEDROOM."

GUYS, YOU ARE NEVER...

SUPPOSED TO SCREAM...

IN THE BEDROOM.

THAT IS SO GAY.

[laughter, applause]

OKAY? I DON'T CARE IF A PIRANHA

IS GNAWING ON YOUR BUTT HOLE, OKAY?

I DON'T CARE.

[laughter, applause]

AND THEN THERE WAS A WHOLE SECTION ON "ROLE PLAY,"

WHICH I GUESS PEOPLE DO THAT NOW.

THEY DRESS UP IN COSTUMES AND FUCK EACH OTHER.

AND, UH,

- THERE WAS-- - (man) YEAH!

APPARENTLY, THE MOST POPULAR ROLE-PLAY FANTASY

IS THE "NURSE" FANTASY-- WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA DO THE "NURSE" FANTASY FOR MY MAN,

I WOULD JUST MAKE HIM

WAIT IN THE LIVING ROOM...

FOR AN HOUR,

AND MAKE HIM READ HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE...

BEFORE REJECTING HIS HEALTH INSURANCE, OKAY?

THAT'S HOW THAT WOULD GO DOWN.

YOU'RE IDIOTS...

MAKING US DRESS UP IN COSTUMES.

LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN ASKS YOU TO DRESS UP

IN A FRIGGIN' COSTUME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM,

GO TO THE BATHROOM, TELL HIM YOU'RE GONNA

SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE,

COME OUT IN A WEDDING DRESS, OKAY?

[laughter, oh's]

[humming The Wedding March] * DA, DA, DA-DA

* DA-- GET A BABY STROLLER.

[laughter]

HE'LL NEVER GET AN ERECTION AGAIN.

IT'S AWESOME.

I JUST DON'T LIKE ALL THESE ROLE-PLAY FANTASIES,

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE GUY IS ALWAYS VERY AUTHORITATIVE,

AND THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS, LIKE, SO WEAK, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE THE GUY IS ALWAYS, LIKE, A LAWYER OR, LIKE, A DOCTOR,

AND THE WOMAN'S ALWAYS, LIKE, A SECRETARY.

THE GUY'S, LIKE, A PROFESSOR AND THE WOMAN'S A SCHOOLGIRL.

WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS, YOU'RE JUST REMINDING US

OF ALL THE JOBS YOU DON'T HAVE IN REAL LIFE.

HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF BEING A DOCTOR IN THE BEDROOM,

HOW 'BOUT JUST BE A FUCKING DOCTOR?

HOW 'BOUT THAT? THAT'S...

I DID HAVE A GUY DO THIS TO ME ONCE.

I HAD A GUY SAY TO ME-- I SWEAR TO GOD-- HE WAS LIKE,

"I WANT YOU TO BE A STRIPPER FOR ME."

I WAS LIKE,

"UH, YOU WANT ME TO BE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE...

"AND TAKE YOUR MONEY?

I'VE BEEN DOIN' THAT SINCE WE FREAKIN' MET, OKAY?"

ALL I NEED IS SOME SELF-TANNER AND A SHITTY SUN TATTOO,

AND I'M READY TO ROCK THIS RIGHT NOW.

LET'S GO.

DEAD EYES.

[laughter, applause]

I DON'T KNOW-- I JUST WAS LIKE, "DUDE, I AM NOT DOING

THE STRIPPER FANTASY." I TOLD HIM, I WAS LIKE, "CAN WE JUST COMPROMISE?

"HOW 'BOUT I THROW SOME GLITTER ON YOUR BALLS,

AND WE WATCH AMERICAN IDOL. HOW ABOUT THAT?"

I JUST THINK YOU CAN'T DO THE STRIPPER FANTASY

UNLESS YOU HAVE A STRIPPER BODY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA, LIKE, GET NAKED

AND DANCE AROUND, YOU KNOW, THAT POLE,

YOU GUYS WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT THAT STRIPPER."

YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHAT IS THAT EUROPEAN BOY DOIN' ON A JUNGLE GYM?"

[laughter, applause]

I JUST FEEL LIKE OUR SOCIETY IS OBSESSED WITH STRIPPERS.

LIKE, AT MY GYM IN L.A., THERE'S A CLASS CALLED

"STRIPTEASE AEROBICS."

RIGHT? IT'S LIKE, GET IN SHAPE LIKE A STRIPPER.

WHAT, IS A PIMP GONNA CHASE ME AROUND THE GYM FOR AN HOUR,

AND I GET TO DO FRICKIN' BLOW-- WHAT IS THIS CLASS?...

I'M IN.

[laughter, cheers, applause]

I'M JUST NOT ADVENTUROUS LIKE THAT.

LIKE, I HAD A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE ASK ME RECENTLY, SHE'S LIKE,

"HAVE YOU EVER MADE A SEX TAPE?"

SHE'S A SLUT. UM...

[laughter]

I FEEL LIKE GUYS CAN MAKE SEX TAPES, RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU GUYS, YOU'RE LIKE, EMOTIONALLY UNATTACHED.

LIKE, YOU CAN MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GIRL, YOU KNOW,

FROM LIKE, 10 YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW AND BE LIKE,

- [macho voice] "OH, YEAH!" - [laughter]

I DON'T KNOW WHY I THINK ALL GUYS JERK-OFF LIKE THAT.

- WHY DO-- WHY IS THAT? - [laughter continues]

LIKE-- [grunting]-- JUST LIKE... [grunting]

JUST LIKE, ALWAYS STANDING UP.

LIKE, HUNCHED OVER LIKE...

LIKE A TROLL OR SOMETHING. LIKE, [grunting]--

AND YOU GO-- YOU LIKE, GROWL-- ARR, ARR.

LIKE-- AND IT'S ALWAYS UNDER A BRIDGE.

LIKE, WHY DO I THINK THAT?

BUT YOU GUYS CAN WATCH SEX TAPES. RIGHT?

ALL YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO IS BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH. LOOK AT MY BALLS. OH, YEAH."

'CAUSE YOU GUYS LOVE YOUR BALLS.

YOU GOT TO SEE YOUR BALLS, AND YOU'RE STOKED,

'CAUSE YOU GUYS-- YOU LOVE YOUR BALLS, RIGHT?

YOU THINK THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME.

YOU THINK THEY'RE SO GREAT.

NEWS FLASH-- THEY'RE TERRIBLE.

THEY ARE DISGUSTING.

THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.

THEY ARE AWFUL.

CAN SOMEONE JUST EXPLAIN,

WHY DO ALL BALLS LOOK LIKE

THEY'RE 150-YEARS-OLD?

[laughter, cheers, applause]

[women cheering]

LIKE, CAN YOU PUT SOME SUNSCREEN ON THAT, PLEASE?

MAYBE SOME LIP BALM OR SOMETHING-- THAT'D BE GOOD.

AND THEY'RE ALWAYS ASHY. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS...

BUT THEY'RE ALSO, LIKE, STICKY AT THE SAME TIME,

SO IT'S LIKE, WHAT IS THE TEMPERATURE DOWN THERE?

I CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT.

WHAT IS THAT WETNESS GOING ON?

LIKE, WHAT IS THAT? IT'S TEARS. IT'S PROBABLY TEARS.

THEY'RE CRYING, 'CAUSE THEY KNOW HOW UGLY THEY ARE.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

THEY LOOK LIKE THAT THING HANGING OFF A ROOSTER'S CHIN,

JUST RIGHT...UGH.

OH, AND YOU GUYS ARE SHAVING 'EM NOW-- YOU THINK THAT HELPS?

DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS.

THE LAST THING THOSE THINGS NEED TO BE ARE MORE VISIBLE.

NO WAY.

GROW IT OUT, COVER UP THOSE WEIRD,

BROWN SPLOTCHES AND...VEINS.

THEY'RE AWFUL. THEY LOOK LIKE DRIED FRUIT.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.

HOW DARE YOU?

BUT, LIKE, WOMEN, WE CAN'T MAKE SEX TAPES.

WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL, RIGHT? WE'RE TOO SENSITIVE.

LIKE, IF I WERE TO MAKE A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GUY, YOU KNOW, FROM LIKE,

FIVE YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW, I WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH!"

I'D BE LIKE, [crying mockingly] "OH, MY GOD. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

"I'M GONNA FIND HIM ON FACEBOOK.

- I'M GONNA..." - [laughter]

I'M JUST NOT LIKE THAT.

LOOK, I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS WHO WILL TEXT-MESSAGE

NAKED PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES TO THEIR MAN,

WHICH I GUESS THE WHOLE POINT OF THAT IS TO BE LIKE,

"OH, HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU AT HOME, BIG BOY...

PHOTOS."

IF I WAS TO DO

A "HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU AT HOME" PHOTO SHOOT,

I WOULD TAKE SOME PICTURES OF THE FRICKIN' DISHES, OKAY?

THE BILLS RIGHT NOW.

MY VAGINA'S NOT WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME AT ALL.

IT'S TRYIN' TO BOOK ME AN ACTING JOB.

IT IS VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW. I'M JUST NOT SEXY LIKE THAT.

I FEEL LIKE GIRLS ARE SEXY NOW. I'M NOT A SEXY GIRLFRIEND.

ALL I DO IN RELATIONSHIPS IS FIGHT.

THAT'S ALL I EVER DO IN RELATIONSHIPS.

BUT THE THING IS THAT WOMEN-- WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS, RIGHT?

- [women whooping] - WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS.

WE ARE LIKE EMOTIONAL NINJAS,

- RIGHT? - [laughter]

OUR FAVORITE TACTIC IS THE SILENT TREATMENT. THAT IS OUR JAM, RIGHT?

OUR MAN PISSES US OFF-- "HE PISSED ME OFF.

"I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO HIM FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.

I'M GONNA SHOW HIM."

LADIES, "THE SILENT TREATMENT" IS NOT A PUNISHMENT.

[laughter, applause]

IT'S A FREAKIN' REWARD, OKAY?

HE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK GOD SHE SHUT THE HELL UP.

"OH, MY GOD. I LOVE THE SILENT TREATMENT.

"I GET TO WATCH SPORTSCENTER AGAIN TODAY.

I'M GONNA FORGET HER BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR."

LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN PISSES YOU OFF,

DO NOT GIVE HIM "THE SILENT TREATMENT."

INSTEAD, GO GOOGLE THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME OF THE SEASON,

SIT NEXT TO HIM DURING THAT GAME,

AND JUST ASK AS MANY...

FUCKING QUESTIONS...

AS POSSIBLE.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

"WHO'S THAT GUY IN THE STRIPED SHIRT?

"DOES HE WORK AT FOOT LOCKER?

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

"WHY ARE THEY ALL WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT?

WHEN ARE WE GONNA HAVE A BABY?"

EVENTUALLY, HE WILL SHOOT HIMSELF IN THE FACE,

AND YOU FUCKING WIN THAT ARGUMENT.

[laughter, applause]

YOU CANNOT DEFEAT A WOMAN

IN AN ARGUMENT, RIGHT? IT'S NEVER HAPPENED.

'CAUSE WOMEN,

WE NEVER EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS WE'RE ACTUALLY FEELING, RIGHT?

WHEN WE ARE MOST PISSED OFF, YOU GUYS, WHAT DO WE SAY?

[happy voice] "I'M FINE."

"I'M FINE" MEANS I'M ABOUT TO STAB YOU IN THE NECK.

- [laughter] - OKAY?

WOMEN ARE VERY TRICKY. WE'RE VERY MISLEADING, RIGHT?

NOT ONLY EMOTIONALLY, ALSO PHYSICALLY, WOMEN ARE MISLEADING.

LIKE, YOU'LL SEE A GIRL OUT AT A BAR. SHE'S LIKE, 5'7".

YOU TAKE HER HOME. THE SHOES COME OFF. SHE'S A GNOME, RIGHT?

[laughter]

WE'RE THE SAME WAY EMOTIONALLY, AND WE ALWAYS EXPRESS

THE OPPOSITE EMOTION WE'RE FEELING.

WE DO IT WITH OTHER WOMEN, TOO, RIGHT?

WE'RE ALWAYS, LIKE, THE OPPOSITE WITH WOMEN. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

LIKE, ONE WOMAN HATES ANTHER WOMAN.

THE WOMEN SHE HATES WALKS IN THE DOOR-- IT'S LIKE,

"I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH. I CANNOT STAND THAT BITCH.

I HATE THAT BITCH. I CANNOT STAND THAT LITTLE SLUT."

[high-pitched voice] "OH, HI!"

YOU CANNOT FUCK WITH THAT KIND OF CRAZY, OKAY?

[laughter, applause]

BUT I FEEL LIKE ALL WE WANT YOU GUYS TO DO

IS ASK US HOW WE'RE FEELING, RIGHT?

ASK US, "WHAT'S WRONG?"

YOU FINALLY ASK US WHAT'S WRONG, WHAT DO WE SAY?

"NOTHING." EVEN IF WE DO ADMIT IT, IT'S LIKE,

"YEAH, SOMETHING'S WRONG,

"BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU."

GUYS, LET ME EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU, OKAY?

USUALLY WHEN WE'RE PISSED OFF AT YOU BUT DON'T TELL YOU WHY,

IT'S BECAUSE WE SNOOPED THROUGH YOUR SHIT, OKAY?

CELL PHONES-- WE FOUND SOMETHING INCRIMINATING,

BUT WE CAN'T YELL AT YOU ABOUT IT,

'CAUSE THEN WE'D HAVE TO "ADMIT"

THAT WE SNOOPED THROUGH YOUR SHIT.

SO WE JUST SILENTLY PUNISH YOU FOR, LIKE, MONTHS...

UNTIL ONE DAY IT'LL JUST RANDOMLY EXPLODE OUT.

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY, DO YOU WANT TO GO

TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY FOR DINNER?"

"OH, WHY?! IS THAT WHERE 'JULIE' WORKS?!"

[laughter, applause]

I SNOOP. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

(woman) WOO!

THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN AND SNOOPING

IS WE DON'T THINK WE'RE DOING ANYTHING WRONG,

'CAUSE OUR MINDS CAN TALK US INTO ANYTHING, RIGHT?

WE COULD RATIONALIZE ANYTHING IN OUR CRAZY HEADS.

YOU DON'T REALIZE UNTIL LATER,

TILL WE'RE FIGHTING WITH YOU ABOUT IT,

HOW WE JUSTIFIED IT IN OUR CRAZY-ASS BRAINS, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE LIKE, "WHAT? I WAS NOT GOING THROUGH YOUR WALLET, OKAY?

"I WAS JUST CLEANING IT.

[laughter]

YOU'RE WELCOME!"

[laughter, applause]

I THINK THE WORST THING YOU CAN FIND

WHEN YOU'RE SNOOPING IS JEWELRY.

THAT'S THE WORST THING, RIGHT? LIKE, ANOTHER WOMAN'S JEWELRY,

EVEN IF IT'S AN EX-GIRLFRIEND OR WHATEVER.

BUT I HAVE FOUND -- HOW PISSED OFF I GOT ABOUT THE JEWELRY

I FOUND IN MY MAN'S PLACE WAS DIRECTLY CORRELATED

TO HOW NICE THE JEWELRY WAS.

SO ONE TIME I FOUND THIS REALLY CRAPPY PLASTIC BRACELET.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT, YOU SLEPT WITH SOME GIRL WHO SHOPS AT 'CLAIRE'S'?

'ACCESSORIES,' IS THAT IT?"

BUT THEN I JUST NAMED A BUNCH OF STORES

THAT NO MAN HAS EVER HEARD OF.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'WET SEAL', HUH?

"WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'SPIEGEL'?

WHAT IS THIS, FROM 'Overstock.com'?"

BUT THEN ONE TIME I FOUND A REALLY, LIKE, NICE,

LIKE, SILVER BRACELET AND IT HAD, LIKE, SOME DIAMONDS IN IT.

I DIDN'T YELL AT HIM AT ALL. I JUST PUT IT ON MY WRIST...

AND HE NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT AGAIN...

- 'CAUSE I STEAL. - [laughter]

IT'S MINE NOW, SLUT!

[laughter, applause]

I THINK THAT RELATIONSHIPS JUST MAKE WOMEN CRAZY.

THEY MAKE PERFECTLY NORMAL PEOPLE GO INSANE, RIGHT?

LIKE, I LIKE TO PLAY A LITTLE GAME,

LIKE, THREE MONTHS INTO A RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S CALLED,

"LET'S GO THROUGH YOUR CELL PHONE

"AND DELETE THE CONTACTS...

I DON'T LIKE."

[laughter, applause]

THAT'S WHEN I GET TO GO THROUGH YOUR PHONE,

YOU GOTTA TELL ME WHO EVERY GIRL IS IN YOUR PHONE,

AND THEN I DECIDE IF I FREAKIN' LIKE IT OR NOT.

[laughter, applause]

IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

"LINDSEY"... SOUNDS LIKE A SLUT. DELETE THAT.

"RICHARD"... THAT'S A SLUT FOR SURE. DELETE THAT.

"MOM"? THAT'S A WHORE. DELETE THAT.

YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR WEIRD STUFF, TOO.

I RECENTLY NOTICED ABOUT GUYS--

I NOTICED THAT EVERY GUY I'VE EVER KNOWN,

SOMEWHERE IN HIS HOUSE OR APARTMENT OR WHATEVER,

HAS A JAR THAT'S FULL OF "COINS"?

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

THE LAST GUY I DATED-- I WAS LIKE,

"OH, MAYBE HE, LIKE, COLLECTS COINS,

OR MAYBE THAT'S, LIKE, HIS LAUNDRY MONEY."

NO, THAT WAS HIS BANK ACCOUNT, OKAY?

[laughter, applause]

LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU, A PIRATE? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

[laughter continues]

I DATE CHEAP GUYS. I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I RECENTLY HAD A GUY-- I SWEAR TO GOD--

ASK ME OUT ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE.

IS THAT HAPPENING NOW, IN THE PLAID SHIRT?

YOU'RE DOIN' THAT WITH GIRLS NOW?

YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT. NO WAY.

[laughter, cheers, applause]

WHAT IS THIS SHIRT? WHAT ARE WE DOIN' HERE?

WHAT ARE WE DOIN'? YOU'RE FUCKIN' ON TV. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

[laughter, applause]

YOU'RE FUCKIN' KILLIN' ME RIGHT NOW.

AND YOU, DON'T EVEN TRY TO LAUGH. THIS IS WORSE.

[laughter]

DO YOU SEE HOW HOT THESE GIRLS ARE?

YOU'RE FUCKIN' BLOWIN' IT. THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.

NO, I LIKE IT. YOU'RE SEXY.

ARE YOU SINGLE?

- UH--EHH! - [laughter, applause]

EH--EH--EH!

TOO MUCH CUM IN YOUR MOUTH? CAN'T TALK?

[laughter, applause]

- OKAY. - [cheers, applause]

NO, I SERIOUSLY-- I SWEAR TO GOD--

I HAD A GUY ASK ME OUT ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE.

HOW CHEAP IS THAT?

HE'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANNA, LIKE,

MAYBE GO GET SOME COFFEE LATER?" I WAS, LIKE, "SURE.

"YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S REALLY GOOD COFFEE?

"THIS PLACE THAT'S CALLED, UH, 'MORTON'S STEAKHOUSE'...

[laughter]

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

[laughter, applause]

"I LOVE A LITTLE COFFEE WITH MY LOBSTER.

- LET'S GO." - [laughter]

AND THEN I'M SUCH AN IDIOT THAT I WENT ON THE COFFEE DATE.

IT WAS AT, LIKE, 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.

AND I SHOWED UP TO GO-- LIKE, I WENT UP TO THE COUNTER

TO PAY FOR MY COFFEE-- IT WAS LIKE $1.70 OR SOMETHING--

AND I GO TO PULL OUT MY WALLET.

HE CUTS IN FRONT OF ME. HE GOES,

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO...

- I GOT IT." - [laughter]

OH, REALLY? ARE YOU GONNA GET SOME COINS FROM YOUR FRICKIN' JAR?

IS THAT HOW YOU'RE...?

WOMEN ARE CHEAPER THAN MEN, THOUGH.

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT WE'RE CHEAP.

WE JUST NEVER EXPECT TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, RIGHT?

SO MUCH SO, WE HAVE MASTERED THE ART OF SOMETHING

THAT I LIKE TO CALL THE "PUMP FAKE"...

[laughter]

WHICH IS WHEN THE BILL COMES TO THE TABLE,

WE'LL JUST STICK OUR HAND IN OUR PURSE...

[laughter, applause]

JUST MOVE IT AROUND FOR AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO

UNTIL YOU GUYS SIGN THE CHECK.

WE'RE NOT GRABBING ANYTHING.

WE'RE JUST SHUFFLING SHIT AROUND...

JUST GETTING STABBED BY PENCILS.

IF IT'S A SMALL PURSE, WE'LL JUST DO THAT.

AND IF IT'S A CLUTCH, WE'LL JUST FINGER-BANG IT

AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO.

[laughter, applause]

THAT'S WHEN YOU PUT A FINGER IN SOMEONE'S VAGINA.

[laughter, cheers, applause]

I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON ANYMORE.

I DON'T KNOW IF THE GUY'S SUPPOSED TO PAY,

IF THE GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO, IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPLIT IT.

I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP JUST RECENTLY.

- (man) WOO! - YEAH, THANKS.

YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT?

- YEAH. - [laughter]

I'M SINGLE. YOU WANNA DO THIS RIGHT NOW?

[laughter]

THIS IS A WATER BRA. THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING.

BUT OTHERWISE...

I'M LIKE, WHAT, ARE YOU A PEDOPHILE,

- IS THAT IT? - [laughter]

BUT, NO, I DID, I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.

IT WAS HARD, BECAUSE WHAT I LEARNED-- AFTER I GOT OUT

OF THE FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP, I LEARNED THAT WOMEN--

WE'RE NOT GIVEN THE SKILLS WE NEED TO SURVIVE

IN THE WORLD WITHOUT A MAN.

I LEARNED THIS, 'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER WE BROKE UP,

I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR.

FOUR DAYS AFTER I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR,

I FILLED IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL.

(audience) OH!

NOW, I ALWAYS LOVE THIS REACTION,

'CAUSE ALL THE GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE ARE ALWAYS LIKE,

"OH, GOD!" AND ALL THE GIRLS ARE JUST LIKE...

- "SO?" - [laughter]

LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DIESEL FUEL WAS.

I PULLED UP. THE REGULAR WAS OUT OF ORDER. THE SUPREME--

I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL."

AND THERE WAS A GREEN BUTTON AND A--

I WAS LIKE, "OH, IT'S PROBABLY BETTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT

'CAUSE IT'S GREEN."

AND THEN YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY WONDERING

HOW I GOT THE NOZZLE TO FIT, BECAUSE A DIESEL NOZZLE

DOESN'T EVEN FIT IN A REGULAR CAR.

I JAMMED IT IN THERE.

I WAS LIKE, "I'M SELF-SUFFICIENT, GODDAMMIT!-- UGH!"

A MILE LATER, MY CAR WAS A BALL OF

- FIRE... - [laughter]

BUT WOMEN ARE NOT TAUGHT PRACTICAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS.

WE'RE NOT TAUGHT TO LIVE IN REALITY.

WE'RE TAUGHT TO LIVE IN OUR IMAGINATIONS,

IN A FANTASY LAND, RIGHT? I REMEMBER-- IT'S TRUE.

GROWING UP, I USED TO HAVE IMAGINARY TEA PARTIES.

I WOULD PUT IMAGINARY TEA IN IMAGINARY CUPS AND DRINK 'EM

WITH MY STUFFED ANIMALS, THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY! OKAY?

LIKE, IN ANY OTHER UNIVERSE, THAT'S JUST SCHIZOPHRENIA,

RIGHT?

AND THE PROBLEM IS, IT CARRIES INTO ADULTHOOD.

LIKE, GUYS, YOU EVER GET IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRL,

AND SHE'S MUCH MORE PISSED OFF AT YOU THAN SHE SHOULD BE?

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHOA, THAT ARGUMENT ESCALATED...

REALLY...FAST."

IT'S 'CAUSE FOR THE LAST WEEK,

WE'VE BEEN HAVIN' A FIGHT WITH YOU IN OUR

IMAGINATIONS...

[laughter, cheers, applause]

AND IN OUR HEAD, YOU SAID ALL THE WRONG SHIT.

SO BY THE TIME WE SEE YOU IN PERSON, WE'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH?!

WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK IN MY MIND!"

[laughter, applause]

I THINK THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT WOMEN DO NOT LEARN,

A LOT OF PRACTICAL INFORMATION.

LIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT A 401(k) WAS TILL LIKE A MONTH AGO.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A MARATHON. I SWEAR TO GOD.

I WAS LIKE, "WHY ARE MY FRIENDS RUNNING IN THIS MARATHON?

"400 MILES?

- FUCK THAT." - [laughter]

AND THE THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED TO PREPARE WOMEN FOR LIFE DON'T.

LIKE, I WAS IN THE GIRL SCOUTS.

THE GIRL SCOUTS DOES NOT TEACH YOU ANY SKILLS, RIGHT?

THE GIRL SCOUTS BASICALLY TEACHES YOU TO SELL A BUNCH OF COOKIES

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN FRICKIN' MAKE, OKAY?

LIKE, IF YOU'RE TO TAKE THE SKILLS YOU LEARNED IN THE GIRL SCOUTS

AND APPLY THEM AS AN ADULT,

YOU'RE SELLING THINGS TO STRANGERS IN A MINISKIRT.

YOU'RE A HOOKER. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.

- THAT'S YOUR JOB NOW. - [laughter, applause]

BUT GUYS LEARN REAL SKILLS.

YOU GUYS GO TO THE EAGLE SCOUTS AND LEARN HOW TO, YOU KNOW,

- MAKE ROPES AND-- EHH! - [laughter]

YOU KNOW, MAKE FIRES AND STUFF.

AND WOMEN DON'T LEARN THOSE KIND OF SURVIVAL SKILLS.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH THAT PISSED ME OFF AFTER THAT HAPPENED TO ME,

BUT THEN I KIND OF, LIKE, GOT PERSPECTIVE.

I WAS LIKE, "GUYS MAY KNOW HOW TO MAKE ROPES AND FIRES AND STUFF,

"BUT WOMEN, WE CAN MAKE...

'PEOPLE.'"

[laughter, applause]

OKAY, THAT IS PRETTY BADASS, OKAY?

GIVE ME THE BACKSEAT OF A TAURUS AND SOME "SUTTER HOME,"

I CAN DUPLICATE!

[laughter, cheers, applause]

AND GUESS WHAT...

IT COMES OUT ON A FREAKIN' ROPE.

[laughter, cheers, applause]

IT'S HARD, THOUGH. GOING FROM A LONG RELATIONSHIP

TO STARTING TO DATE AGAIN IS VERY DIFFICULT.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP, YOU'RE COMFORTABLE, RIGHT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR ANY MAKEUP.

YOU CAN JUST PEE IN FRONT OF THE PERSON OR WHATEVER.

WHEN YOU'RE DATING SOMEBODY NEW,

YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BE PERFECT.

LIKE, I'VE BEEN DATING A NEW GUY, AND I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE SO PERFECT.

BASICALLY, THE FIRST, LIKE, THREE MONTHS OF ME DATING THIS GUY--

EVERY SECOND HAS BASICALLY BEEN ME...

TRYING TO NOT FART. THAT'S ALL IT IS.

EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. IT'S JUST LIKE,

"PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART.

PLEASE DON'T FART."

MY ASS IS IN THE SHAPE OF ITS FUCKING LIFE.

- THAT'S THE UPSIDE. - [laughter]

BUT THE HARD PART IS THAT I'LL SOMETIMES STAY AT HIS HOUSE

FOR A COUPLE DAYS AT A TIME AND I HAVE TO HOLD IT IN SO LONG

THAT BY THE TIME I LEAVE, I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,

SEE YOU LATER." [loud ongoing fart]

SOMETIMES YOU CAN CATCH AIR AND LIKE,

- [fart, fart] - [laughter, applause]

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYIN' TO BE PERFECT

FOR THE NEW GUY, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, WHEN I STAY AT THIS GUY'S HOUSE--

THE EXTENT TO WHICH I TRY TO BE PERFECT FOR THIS GUY--

I WILL WAKE UP AT 6:00 A.M. WHILE HE'S STILL ASLEEP,

SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM, PUT ON A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP,

SNEAK BACK INTO BED, SO BY THE TIME HE WAKES UP,

I LOOK LIKE LADY GAGA OR SOMETHING, WHICH IS SO RIDICULOUS.

WOMEN, WE DO NOT NEED TO LOOK CUTE IN THE MORNING

FOR OUR MAN-- WE DON'T NEED IT,

BECAUSE GUYS, BEFORE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN IN THE MORNING,

- YOU GUYS HAVE ERECTIONS. - [laughter, applause]

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S LYING NEXT TO YOU,

AND YOU'RE JUST READY TO...

HAVE SEX WITH IT, REALLY? YOU ARE HEATHENS.

YOU GUYS LITERALLY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

YOU'RE LIKE, "[snorting, exhales]-- WHERE'S A HOLE?

- GIVE ME A HOLE." - [laughter, applause]

IT IS BARBARIC.

[laughter continues]

BUT I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX. I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX.

SO WHAT I STARTED DOING

IS I'LL CUT A HOLE IN A CANTALOUPE...

[laughter, groans, applause]

PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR A MINUTE...

[laughter, groans]

PUT A WIG ON IT, LEAVE IT IN THE BED,

- AND BOUNCE. - [laughter, applause]

IT'S HARD, 'CAUSE NOW I'M DATING,

AND A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE SETTLING DOWN.

A LOT OF MY FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW,

WHICH IS SO ANNOYING, 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE GUYS ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSES

WHY THEY DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED WITH ME.

ALL THESE EXCUSES-- LIKE, ONE OF MY FAVORITES IS,

"WE DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED. IT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER."

WHICH IS NOT TRUE. MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST A PIECE OF PAPER.

IT'S ABOUT MORE THAN THAT, OKAY? IT'S ABOUT...

- A DIAMOND. - [laughter]

YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME

ANY WOMAN WAS EVER LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,

LOOK AT MY PIECE OF PAPER!"

[high-pitch scream]

- DON'T BE STUPID. - [laughter]

YOU CAN'T PUT A PIECE OF PAPER ON eBAY WHEN WE BREAK UP.

THAT'S NOT HELPFUL TO ME.

[laughter]

MY OTHER FAVORITE EXCUSE THAT I'VE HEARD BEFORE IS,

"YEAH, WE SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED.

MONOGAMY IS JUST NOT NATURAL."

YEAH, NEITHER ARE FAKE TITS, BUT YOU GUYS

FRICKIN' LOVE THOSE!

[laughter, applause]

I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED, SO NOW I GO TO ALL THESE EVENTS.

LIKE, I RECENTLY HAD TO GO TO A BRIDAL SHOWER FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.

NOBODY TOLD ME YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BRING SEX TOYS.

I SHOWED UP WITH A TEAPOT, LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

[laughter]

AND SEX TOYS HAVE GOTTEN CRAZY. THERE WAS ONE--

IT WAS A VIBRATOR THAT HAD FEATHERS?

ON THERE, I WAS LIKE, "IS THAT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SO LONG,

"YOU CAN JUST DUST IT OFF...

[laughter]

AND GET BUSY?"

AND THEN I RECENTLY GOT TO GO TO A BACHELORETTE PARTY,

WHICH THOSE ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN.

WE WENT TO A MALE STRIP CLUB,

AND THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP ABOUT MALE STRIPPERS

IS THEY'RE ALWAYS IN, LIKE, POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS,

RIGHT, AND LIKE FIREMEN'S UNIFORMS.

- YOU KNOW - [laughter]

[whistles, cheers, applause]

MALE STRIPPERS ARE ALWAYS IN POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS, FIREMEN'S,

'CAUSE THEY SAY THAT WOMEN LIKE A "MAN IN UNIFORM."

IT'S NOT ABOUT "THE UNIFORM," OKAY?

WE LIKE MEN "WITH JOBS."

[laughter, cheers, applause]

[chuckles]

YOU WILL NEVER SEE A MALE STRIPPER COME OUT WITH PAJAMA PANTS ON...

HOLDING A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER AND A POP-TART.

[laughter, applause]

AND I HAVE TO GO TO WEDDINGS ALL THE TIME.

AND I THINK THE CRAZIEST PART ABOUT GOING TO WEDDINGS IS LIKE,

THE CATCHING OF THE BOUQUET THING,

'CAUSE WOMEN GET PSYCHO ABOUT--

I WENT IN THERE ONCE TO TRY TO CATCH THE BOUQUET,

- I GOT SHANKED. - [laughter, applause]

'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY IS THAT IF YOU CATCH THE BOUQUET

THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA BE THE NEXT WOMAN TO GET MARRIED.

NA-AH, CATCH THE BOUQUET, SEE IF ONE GUY TALKS TO YOU

FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.

[laughter]

I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES NOW, TOO,

LIKE, ON PURPOSE.

- I KNOW. - [laughter]

I FEEL LIKE WOMEN, AFTER THEY GIVE BIRTH, THEY JUST GO INSANE.

LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE WHO HAD A BABY SIX MONTHS AGO,

AND SHE CALLS ME UP, AND SHE'S LIKE,

"DO YOU WANNA COME OVER

AND WATCH MY BIRTH VIDEO?"

(man) HAH-HAH-HAH!

I WAS LIKE, UH...

[laughter, applause]

I WAS LIKE, "HELL, YEAH, I DO."

YOU GUYS, I WENT OVER THERE.

IT WAS THE BIGGEST COOTER I'VE EVER SEEN...

[laughter, applause]

BUT LIKE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT,

LIKE SHAKY-CAM COOTER.

[laughter]

IT LOOKED LIKE PORN FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD, OKAY?

[laughter continues]

AND DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS?

AFTER THE BABY COMES OUT OF THERE,

A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT COMES OUT, YOU GUYS.

A JELLYFISH FLEW BY.

[laughter, applause]

A TRAMPOLINE CAME OUT OF THERE.

I SWEAR TO GOD, JAMIROQUAI CAME OUT OF HER THING, GUYS.

IT WAS LIKE CRAIGSLIST EXPLODED.

I WAS LIKE, "I WANNA GIVE BIRTH JUST SO I CAN FIND MY CAR KEYS."

- LIKE, WHAT...? - [laughter, applause]

I THINK ALL OF THAT STUFF-- BABIES AND MARRIAGE--

I THINK THAT ALL THAT'S ABOUT ROMANCE.

I THINK US WOMEN, WE ARE OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE, RIGHT,

AND I THINK WE GET BRAINWASHED FROM ROMANTIC MOVIES.

I THINK THAT IS WHERE IT COMES FROM. LIKE, I RECENTLY SAW, UM,

THESE MOVIES CALLED TWILIGHT.

- HAVE WE SEEN THIS MOVIE? - (male) WOO!

RANDOM YELLING GUY? YEAH, YOU'VE SEEN IT.

I KNOW YOU HAVE, FOR SURE.

BUT I RECENTLY SAW THESE MOVIES TWILIGHT.

THEY ARE SO ROMANTIC.

THIS VAMPIRE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL,

AND THEY'RE SO OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER.

THEY BRAINWASH YOU. I WENT INTO THIS MOVIE.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, SOME MOVIE ABOUT HIGH SCHOOLERS."

I CAME OUT OF IT, I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,

I HAVE TO MARRY A VAMPIRE. OH, MY GOD."

- [laughter] - IT MAKES YOU OBSESSED.

GUYS, DON'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIENDS SEE THIS MOVIE.

SHE WILL LEAVE YOUR ASS, OKAY?

AFTER I SAW THE MOVIE, I WOULDN'T TALK TO THE GUY I WAS DATING

FOR, LIKE, FIVE DAYS. FINALLY, HE WAS LIKE,

"BABE, WHAT'S WRONG?" I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

"I KINDA NEED TO DATE SOMEONE WHO CAN...

- 'FLY.'" - [laughter]

BUT THIS MOVIE-- I THINK IT PROVES THAT WOMEN HAVE, LIKE,

A BAD-BOY COMPLEX, 'CAUSE THE VAMPIRE

SAYS TO THE GIRL IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE--

HE'S LIKE, "I WANNA KILL YOU.

I WANNA SUCK YOUR BLOOD."

SHE'S LIKE, [innocent voice] "IT'S OKAY. I TRUST YOU."

[laughter]

AND THEN HE ADMITS

THAT HE'S KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE, AND SHE'S FINE WITH IT,

WHICH, ACTUALLY, I'M SUCH A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND THAT IF MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND

TOLD ME HE HAD KILLED PEOPLE, I'D BE LIKE, "WHO WAS SHE?

IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME, IS THAT IT?"

- YEAH. - [cheers, whistles, applause]

I JUST WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE. I THINK THAT WOULD BE SO BADASS.

LIKE, DATING A VAMPIRE

WILL LITERALLY SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, RIGHT?

LIKE IF, IF YOU'RE DATING A VAMPIRE,

YOU WOULD ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, YOU'D BE DRIVING ALONG WITH YOUR VAMPIRE,

AND HE'D BE LIKE, "I'M THINKING ABOUT SEEING OTHER PEOPLE."

YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, REALLY, 'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT

- "PUTTING THE SUNROOF DOWN... - [laughter]

- "BITCH. - [laughter continues]

DON'T MAKE ME GO TO GNC AND GET SOME GARLIQUE."

[laughter]

BUT THE PROBLEM WITH VAMPIRES IS THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE 20,

BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY, LIKE, 100 YEARS OLD.

SO YOU'D BE DATING THIS HOT YOUNG GUY

WHO, LIKE, GREW UP IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION

AND, LIKE, HATES IRISH PEOPLE.

[laughter]

AND THEN, LIKE, YOU TAKE HIM OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB,

AND HE'D BE, LIKE, DOING THE CHARLESTON.

[laughter, applause]

OR, LIKE, YOU THINK HE'S CHEATING ON YOU,

SO YOU GO THROUGH HIS JOURNAL.

YOU'RE LIKE, "WHO THE HELL IS THIS SLUT, HUH?

HARRIET TUBMAN? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!"

YOU GUYS NEED TO BRUSH UP ON YOUR BLACK HISTORY,

- JUST... - [laughter]

JUST THAT AREA.

[laughter]

WOMEN GET OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE.

I THINK IT ALSO COMES FROM THE NICKNAMES WE GET GROWING UP.

WITH MY DAD GROWING UP, CALLED ME "PRINCESS," RIGHT?

PRINCESS-- HE DRILLED IT INTO MY HEAD AS A KID THAT I'M A FRICKIN' PRINCESS.

AND THEN I GREW UP, AND I GOT TO THE REAL WORLD,

AND I REALIZED THAT NO ONE ELSE WAS ON BOARD...

[laughter]

WITH THE WHOLE PRINCESS THING, RIGHT?

PRINCESSES DON'T LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY AT LOLLAPALOOZA.

THAT'S JUST NOT...

[laughter, cheers, applause]

I THINK WE NEED TO START CALLING KIDS THINGS

TO PREPARE THEM FOR REAL LIFE.

YOU KNOW, "GET IN THE CAR, REHAB. LET'S GO."

[laughter]

WOMEN GET CALLED THINGS THAT MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE.

GUYS GET CALLED THINGS THAT MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH SPORTS.

YOU GUYS GET CALLED, LIKE, "CHAMP"...

- EHH. - [laughter]

"SPORT." YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS,

YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN REFER TO INCREMENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP

WITHOUT REFERRING TO SPORTS, RIGHT?

"FIRST BASE."

"WE GOT TO SECOND BASE."

LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN RUNNING AROUND REFERRING TO INCREMENTS

OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH THINGS WE LIKE.

IT'S NOT LIKE, "LAST NIGHT, ME AND MARK...

UGH! CHANEL PURSE."

[laughter, applause]

YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS

THAT YOU GUYS WILL WEAR JERSEYS

FOR TEAMS THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON...

[laughter]

BUT YOU THINK YOU'RE ON THE TEAM.

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, LAST NIGHT I GUESS

" WE JUST DIDN'T SCORE ENOUGH.

[laughter]

LAST NIGHT I GUESS WE JUST DIDN'T PLAY ENOUGH DEFENSE."

- "'WE'? - [laughter]

"THE REDSKINS DON'T NEED 'YOU.'

[laughter]

"OKAY, THAT'S LIKE ME WATCHING GREY'S ANATOMY

IN SCRUBS."

[laughter]

[whistles]

[cheers, applause]

BUT THEN AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER, I'D BE LIKE,

"OH, GOD, WE JUST COULD NOT SAVE THAT GUY.

I DON'T KNOW."

[laughter]

YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH,

YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN THROW YOUR TRASH

INTO THE GARBAGE NORMALLY.

[laughter]

YOU GUYS HAVE TO SHOOT YOUR GARBAGE ACROSS THE ROOM

LIKE IT'S AN NBA BASKETBALL GAME.

LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN LIVING OUT OUR DREAMS WITH OUR TRASH.

I DON'T TAKE, LIKE, A USED GUM WRAPPER,

PUT IT AROUND MY RING FINGER AND BE LIKE...

[laughter, applause]

"BRAD PITT AND I ARE THINKING ABOUT THE FALL,

- SO..." - [laughter]

YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH THAT YOU GUYS--

I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS DO THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER NORMALLY DO,

JUST 'CAUSE THEY HAVE SPORTS TERMS ASSOCIATED WITH THEM.

LIKE, I HAVE A FEELING

THE ONLY REASON YOU GUYS LIKE BEING SINGLE

IS 'CAUSE IT'S CALLED "PLAYING THE FIELD,"

'CAUSE YOU GUYS HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELVES THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE--

LIKE, "I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN' WITH THESE CHICKS.

"I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN'. UH, I'M SUCH A...

I'M PLAYING THE FIELD. I'M SO GREAT."

NO, YOU'RE HOME ALONE JERKING OFF TO PORN ON YOUR COUCH.

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

[laughter, applause]

WHICH, I DON'T LIKE PORN.

I DO NOT LIKE PORN BECAUSE...

- [clapping] - YOU LOVE PORN?

WHAT DO WE LIKE GOIN' ON?"

WHAT DO WE HAVE GOIN' ON UP THERE?

YAY PORN OR NO PORN?

- (male) YAY PORN! - YAY PORN.

- [cheers, applause] - OH, GOOD, I LIKE YOU GUYS.

D.C., DO YOU GUYS HAVE, LIKE, POLITICAL PORN, LIKE, KINDA...

LIKE, "OH, LOOK. IT'S FUCKIN'..."

UH, I DON'T KNOW ANY POLITICIANS.

- UH... - [laughter, applause]

[cheers, applause]

I LITERALLY-- THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WAS ART MONK

- WHO WAS NOT... - (male) YEAH!

YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THIS.

UM, HE WAS NOT A POLITICIAN.

[laughter]

TEN-YEAR-OLD IN THE FRONT. OKAY.

[laughter]

I DON'T LIKE PORN, BECAUSE PORN MAKES YOU REALIZE

ALL THE THINGS YOU'RE NOT DOING RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN,

LIKE, I'M REMINDED OF ALL THE THINGS I'M NOT DOING.

I SAW PORN RECENTLY.

I SAW THAT WOMEN ARE SHAVING BALD.

THEIR PUBES BALD. ARE WE DOIN' THIS, D.C.?

- [woman cheering] - OKAY, I LIKE THIS.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T. IT GETS WAY TOO COLD HERE IN THE WINTER.

DON'T SHAVE IT. YOU'RE 10.

- DON'T. - [laughter]

DON'T YOU LOOK AT HER.

JUST 'CAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BOY.

- DON'T YOU DARE. - [oh's, cheers, applause]

I DON'T GET THE SHAVING YOUR JUNK.

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. LIKE, WOMEN ARE DOING THAT NOW."

SO I WENT TO GO SHAVE. I GOT RAZOR BURN.

I LOOKED LIKE I HAD HERPES FOR TWO WEEKS, OKAY?

- THAT'S NOT CUTE. - [laughter]

GUYS ARE INTO THAT NOW.

YOU GUYS WANT WOMEN TO LOOK LIKE LITTLE GIRLS,

WHICH IS NOT-- MY WHOLE THING IS

YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY?

LIKE, I ALREADY CRY AND THROW TANTRUMS EVERY FUCKING DAY--

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?

YOU WANT ME TO PEE ON YOUR COUCH?

- I CAN DO THAT. - [laughter]

LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY? HOW 'BOUT YOU PAY ME

AN ALLOWANCE? LET'S START THERE.

HOW ABOUT YOU PACK ME A LUNCH? I LIKE THIS IDEA. YES.

[laughter]

I DON'T LIKE PORN, BECAUSE I THINK IT SETS THE BAR TOO HIGH.

LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO COMPETE WITH PORN.

LIKE, I FEEL LIKE WOMEN IN PORN ARE ALWAYS YELLING SO LOUD,

WHICH I GUESS YOU GUYS THINK THAT'S SEXY.

I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I'M VERY QUIET IN THE BEDROOM.

I LIKE TO KEEP A VERY LOW PROFILE IN THERE.

[laughter]

I WILL OCCASIONALLY WHISPER ENCOURAGING THINGS.

[laughter]

YOU KNOW, I'LL BE LIKE,

"GOOD JOB.

[laughter, applause]

"I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

[laughter, applause]

"I REALLY THINK YOU'RE SHOWING A LOT OF IMPROVEMENT.

[laughter, applause]

[chanting] RUDY. RUDY. RUDY."

[laughter, applause]

IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCH PORN,

YOUR SEX LIVES WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER,

'CAUSE THE BAR WOULD BE SO MUCH LOWER, RIGHT?

IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCHED PORN,

YOU'D COME HOME, YOU'D SEE YOUR GIRL LYING ON THE BED.

YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH MY GOD. SHE'S WEARING SWEATPANTS.

[laughter]

LOOK AT THAT SNUGGY."

[laughter, applause]

WHY DO I THINK ALL YOUR PENISES ARE THIS LONG?

[laughter]

I DON'T LIKE PORN. WOMEN DO NOT LIKE PORN.

WE'RE WAY TOO SENSITIVE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WHEN I WATCH PORN, I'M NOT LIKE INTO IT, AND LIKE, "OH YEAH."

I JUST GET VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE WOMEN IN THE PORN.

I START SPINNING OUT-- I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

"SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

SHE REALLY NEEDS A BACKUP PLAN."

[laughter, applause]

BUT I THINK WOMEN SHOULD WATCH PORN MORE,

BECAUSE WOMEN-- IF YOU GUYS WATCH PORN, LADIES,

YOU WOULD SEE WHERE YOUR MAN

WAS GETTING ALL THOSE STUPID FRICKIN' IDEAS.

LIKE, LITERALLY EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN,

I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S WHY HE MADE ME BUY ROLLER SKATES.

OKAY, THAT'S WHY THERE'S TWO POUNDS OF PUDDING IN THE FRIDGE-- OKAY."

[laughter]

BUT WOMEN ARE TOO SENSITIVE FOR THAT.

LIKE, I DON'T LIKE PORN. IT'S TOO GRAPHIC.

LIKE, IF PORN WAS MADE FOR WOMEN,

IT WOULD JUST BE, LIKE, TWO HOURS OF SNUGGLING...

AND AT THE END, THE GUY WOULD PROPOSE.

[laughter]

I WOULD WATCH THAT.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT.

I DON'T LIKE PORN.

THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP THE MOST ABOUT PORN

IS YOU GUYS DON'T THINK WE KNOW YOU WATCH IT.

IT IS SO OBVIOUS,

ESPECIALLY IF YOU WATCH IT ON THE COMPUTER,

'CAUSE EITHER, NUMBER ONE, YOU ERASE YOUR HISTORY...

IN THE MENU BAR--

AND I KNOW YOU DID SOME CRAZY SHIT--

[laughter]

OR YOU DON'T ERASE YOUR HISTORY,

AND I TRY TO GO TO Google.com,

BUT IT GOES TO GoodJigglyJugs.com...

[laughter]

DEAL WITH THAT AT 7:00 A.M.

THE OTHER REASON WE KNOW YOU GUYS WATCH PORN

IS 'CAUSE YOU GUYS WILL DO THINGS IN THE BEDROOM

THAT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY, LIKE, COPYING FROM PORN,

LIKE THE SPANKING THING.

WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS,

WE'RE JUST FRICKIN' LAUGHING AT YOU, OKAY? I'M SORRY.

WE'RE LIKE, "YEAH, I'M A BAD GIRL.

- "PFFFT! - [laughter]

- "WHAT AN IDIOT. - [laughter continues]

PLEASE DON'T FART. PLEASE DON'T FART."

[laughter, applause]

[cheers, applause]

THE NEW THING YOU GUYS ARE DOING IN THE BEDROOM

THAT I KNOW YOU'RE COPYING FROM PORN

IS THE CHOKING THING.

(woman) OH!

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHO'S BEEN CHOKED.

[laughter, cheers, applause]

IT'S LIKE,

I DIDN'T KNOW THE CHOKING THING WAS GOING ON.

IMAGINE MY SURPRISE...

THE FIRST TIME THAT WENT DOWN, I WAS LIKE,

"UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE PUT THE MONEY."

[laughter]

THE FUNNY THING TO ME ABOUT THE CHOKING THING

IS IT'S THE ONLY FAKE, LIKE, "I'M GONNA KILL YOU"

THING YOU CAN DO IN THE BEDROOM THAT'S ACTUALLY SEXY.

LIKE, YOU CAN'T MIME ANY OTHER KILLING TACTICS IN THE BEDROOM.

IT'S NOT LIKE

A NAKED GUY CAN COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND BE LIKE...

[imitating Jaws theme] * DA NA

* DA-NA DA-NA DA-NA DA-NA *

[laughter, applause]

GUYS ARE INTO THE CHOKING THING.

SO NOW WHEN A GUY TRIES TO CHOKE ME IN THE BEDROOM,

I'LL JUST GO ALONG WITH IT. I'LL BE LIKE,

"OOH-AH!

[laughter]

"UH-AHH-AHH!

UUUUUAAAAAA..."

YOU GOTTA SELL IT!

[laughter, applause]

I USED TO WORRY ABOUT PORN.

I USED TO BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, MY MAN'S WATCHING PORN."

YOU KNOW, "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME, OR HE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME."

PORN IS NOT A THREAT TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS.

I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS--

GUYS WATCHING PORN

IS LIKE WOMEN WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK.

'KAY, WE'RE BOTH WATCHING THINGS WE ARE NEVER GONNA FRIGGIN' DO.

[laughter, applause]

WOMEN HAVE OUR OWN VERSION OF PORN, RIGHT?

OUR VERSION OF PORN IS ROMANTIC COMEDIES, RIGHT?

WE COMPARE YOU GUYS TO THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES

JUST LIKE YOU COMPARE US TO THE WOMEN IN PORN, RIGHT?

YOU GUYS TAKE US OUT TO A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT

WITH SHRIMP AND CHAMPAGNE-- IN OUR MINDS WE'RE LIKE,

"YEAH, WELL, MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY TOOK HIS GIRLFRIEND

"INTO A HOT-AIR BALLOON AND GOT HER A DIAMOND NECKLACE

AND A PANDA-- THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!"

ROMANTIC COMEDIES-- THEY BRAINWASH WOMEN.

THEY MAKE US BELIEVE IN, LIKE, "FATE" AND "DESTINY."

FATE AND DESTINY ARE NAMES OF STRIPPERS, OKAY?

THEY'RE NOT REAL...

[laughter, applause]

IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH, BECAUSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES

SET THE BAR SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS,

BUT WHAT'S WEIRD IS THAT GUYS ARE THE ONES

THAT WRITE ALL THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES. GUYS RUN HOLLYWOOD.

IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD, THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES WOULD BE

A LOT MORE REALISTIC, SO THERE'D BE

A LOT LESS DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU LEFT THE THEATER.

NO MORE FRIGGIN' MODELS BEING CAST AS THE LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE.

LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD?

KATHY FREAKIN' BATES, BITCH.

ANGELINA JOLIE WOULD NEVER WORK AGAIN.

I DON'T CARE. CAMBODIA CAN FUCKING HAVE HER.

- FUCK HER. - [laughter]

[cheers, applause]

OUR NEW SEXY ACTION STAR-- OPRAH. BAM!

SHE BLOWS SOME SHIT UP AND EVERYONE GETS A CAR.

[laughter]

- I WOULD SEE THAT MOVIE. - [laughter continues]

IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH, 'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE

ROMANTIC COMEDIES SET THE BAR SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS.

WE WANT YOU GUYS TO ACT LIKE THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES,

BUT IF YOU EVER DID ACT LIKE THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES,

IT WOULD TOTALLY BACKFIRE, RIGHT?

LIKE CARRYING A WOMAN UP THE STAIRS.

"I'M GONNA CARRY MY WOMAN UP THE STAIRS AND SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET."

IF YOU GUYS TRY TO DO THAT IN REAL LIFE,

YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SO MUCH AS FREAKIN' WINCE.

[laughter]

YOU BETTER GO TO THE GYM.

YOU MAKE SURE YOU CAN LIFT HER WEIGHT, BITCHES...

[laughter]

'CAUSE IF THERE IS LIKE A...

[grunting]

YOU ARE SO FUCKED.

[laughter]

JUST KILL YOURSELF. LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT.

"OH, WHAT, I'M FAT? IS THAT IT, I'M FAT?

"GEORGE CLOONEY COULD'VE CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS.

"RUBEN STUDDARD COULD'VE CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS.

YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK!"

[laughter, applause]

ANOTHER THING I FEEL LIKE GUYS ARE ALWAYS DOING

IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES THAT WOULD NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE

IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS LIGHTING CANDLES TO BE ROMANTIC.

NO. WOMEN ARE OBSESSED WITH CANDLES.

WE'RE LIKE PYROMANIACS, RIGHT?

YOU GUYS COME OVER. WE HAVE CANDLES EVERYWHERE.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU OR SACRIFICE YOU, RIGHT?

BUT, GUYS, YOU CANNOT LIGHT CANDLES.

IF I GO TO A GUY'S HOUSE AND HE'S GOT CANDLES EVERYWHERE,

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE "ROMANTIC." I THINK YOU TOOK A "DUMP," OKAY?

[laughter, applause]

WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

STOP-- EHH--

TRYIN' TO "GLADE" YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT...

CHIPOTLE-- JUST STOP.

[laughter, applause]

THE OTHER THING GUYS DO IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES

THAT WOULD NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE

IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS, LIKE, SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I WAS WATCHING ONE, WHERE THIS WOMAN WAS LIKE, GARDENING OR SOMETHING

AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, STANDING THERE,

AND SHE TURNS AROUND, SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?"

AND THE GUY WAS LIKE, "I JUST HAD TO SEE YOU."

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S 2010.

YOU CAN SEND A FUCKING TEXT, OKAY?

STOP BEING A CREEPY STALKER. IT'S WEIRD.

SECOND OF ALL, WOMEN, WE DO NOT LIKE BEING SNUCK UP ON, OKAY?

I NEED A LOT OF TIME BEFORE I SEE MY MAN.

A LOT OF THINGS NEED TO GO DOWN

BEFORE I SEE MY MAN.

I DON'T WANT ANY SURPRISES, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT TO GET THE BABY WIPES OUT...

[laughter]

[laughter, applause]

I GOT TO GET SOME UNDER-EYE CONCEALER

SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE AN AVATAR.

A LOT OF THINGS HAVE TO GO DOWN, OKAY?

BUT IT'S SO CRAZY, 'CAUSE WOMEN,

WE PUT SO MUCH EFFORT INTO GETTING READY--

HOURS BEFORE WE LEAVE THE HOUSE, RIGHT?

HAIR AND MAKEUP AND SHAVING AND TWEEZING

AND PLUCKING AND EYELINER-- WHICH IS RIDICULOUS,

'CAUSE WOMEN ARE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?

YOU GUYS DON'T NEED ANY MAKEUP. WOMEN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

AND ARE NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, PERIOD.

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING...

[laughter, applause]

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

YOU JUST ROLL OUT OF BED WITH THOSE BALLS.

- HOW DARE YOU? - [laughter, cheers, applause]

THEY ARE SO AWFUL. THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.

THAT'S WHAT NEEDS THREE HOURS OF MAKEUP, RIGHT THERE--

- [laughter, applause] - SOME CONCEALER, YEAH.

MAYBE A HOT IRON TO...

IRON OUT THOSE WRINKLES, PLEASE.

[laughter, applause]

BUT THE ONE THING YOU GUYS DO HAVE TO DO--

LIKE, SHAVE YOUR FACE-- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO IT.

IF YOU GUYS DON'T SHAVE, IT'S SEXY-- IT'S DISTINGUISHED.

IF WE DON'T SHAVE, "WE'RE LESBIANS."

- THAT'S HOW THAT GOES DOWN. - [laughter]

WOMEN-- WE TORTURE OURSELVES, RIGHT?

AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT,

WOMEN ARE WEARING SO MANY TORTURE DEVICES.

LIKE, THONG UNDERWEAR-- WHO INVENTED THAT?

FUCK YOU.

[women cheering]

IT IS TERRIBLE.

LIKE, YOU KNOW A WOMAN DID NOT INVENT THONG UNDERWEAR,

'CAUSE NO WOMAN WAS EVER STANDING AROUND

IN FULL UNDERWEAR AND WAS LIKE,

"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE?

[laughing]

"IF ALL OF THIS FABRIC...

[laughter]

"WAS JUST...

"LIKE, VIOLENTLY...

"RIDING UP MY ASSHOLE.

"IS THERE A WAY YOU CAN GET ALL THIS FABRIC

"TO JUST TRY TO RAPE MY BUTT HOLE?

"IS THAT...?

[laughter, cheering]

"I WANT IT JUST TO FEEL LIKE

"A RUBBER BAND IS SNAPPING...

"I WANT IT TO FEEL LIKE AN ALLIGATOR IS ACTUALLY

EATING ME OUT-- CAN YOU DO THAT?"

[laughter, applause]

WHAT IS THE POINT OF THONG UNDERWEAR?

THE POINT IS SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE PANTY LINES.

FOR WHAT? YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME

ANY GUY WAS EVER STANDING AROUND,

LIKE, AT A NIGHTCLUB BAR WITH HIS BUDDY AND WAS LIKE--

THIS IS MY BUDDY, BY THE WAY-- UM...

HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, DUDE, CHECK OUT THAT GIRL.

"OH, MY GOD, SHE IS SO HOT.

"SHE'S SO SEXY. I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

[laughter]

"DUDE, DUDE...

"WHAT ARE THOSE LINES?

[laughter]

OH, MY GOD, NEVER MIND. THAT'S DISGUSTING."

- [laughter] - IT'S RIDICULOUS.

AND MOST OF THESE TORTURE DEVICES MEN INVENTED.

YOU KNOW GUYS INVENTED HIGH-HEEL SHOES.

THAT WAS A GUY'S INVENTION,

WHICH I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT THIS.

I HAVE A THEORY THAT, LIKE, 200 YEARS AGO,

WOMEN WERE WEARING FLAT SHOES GETTING WHERE THEY NEEDED TO GO.

A BUNCH OF GUYS GOT IN A ROOM, AND THEY WERE LIKE,

"GOD, THESE WOMEN, THEY ARE GORGEOUS.

"THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS

"THEY ARE REALLY HARD TO HAVE SEX WITH.

"I MEAN, THEY CAN JUST GET UP

- "AND WALK AWAY. - [laughter]

"WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO JUST SLOW 'EM DOWN.

"WHAT IF WE JUST PUT, LIKE, A FOUR-INCH BRICK

ON THE BACK OF THEIR FOOT? YOU THINK THEY'D DO THAT?"

AND IT WORKS, 'CAUSE I'VE TALKED TO GUYS

EXTRA HOURS LONGER THAN I WANTED TO

'CAUSE MY FEET WERE FRICKIN' KILLING ME.

I'VE GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE I'M JUST LIKE, "DUDE,

"CAN I JUST HAVE THAT ROOFIE NOW, 'CAUSE MY FEET...

"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.

PLEASE."

THOSE HEELS-- YOU KNOW THEY CALL THOSE REALLY HIGH HEELS--

THEY CALL THEM "FUCK-ME HEELS." THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEM.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU PUT 'EM ON, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, FUCK ME.

REALLY? WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN?"

I DON'T LIKE TO WEAR FUCK-ME HEELS.

I LIKE TO WEAR...

"LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS" SNEAKERS.

[laughter, cheers, applause]

GUYS ALSO INVENTED UNDERWIRE BRAS, WHICH AGAIN,

ONLY A GUY'S INSENSITIVE MIND WOULD COME UP WITH THAT.

'CAUSE ONLY A GUY'S MIND WOULD BE SO INSENSITIVE

THAT THEY WOULD SEE A SOFT BRA WITH A WOMAN'S BOOBS

AND WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT THAT THING NEEDS?

I THINK THAT NEEDS A SKEWER RIGHT THROUGH..."

IT'S NOT A KABOB. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THIS ISN'T FUCKING FIGHT CLUB.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD?

AND THEN IN THE '70s WOMEN STARTED GETTING PISSED OFF

'CAUSE THEY HURT SO MUCH, RIGHT?

AND THEN WOMEN STARTED BURNING THEIR BRAS.

AND THEN GUYS INVENTED WATER BRAS...

SO WE COULDN'T BURN 'EM ANYMORE.

- [laughter] - THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART.

I GOTTA GIVE YOU A GOLD STAR FOR THAT.

AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

THESE WOMEN-- STILL, THE BOOBS ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH."

AND THEN YOU GUYS INVENTED BREAST IMPLANTS.

WHAT? THE NEXT STEP WAS CUT 'EM OPEN

AND FILL THEM WITH JELL-O?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

WOMEN, DO NOT GET BREAST IMPLANTS.

DO NOT LET SOCIETY'S IDEAL OF BEAUTY--

- [cheers, applause] - YEAH...

MESS WITH YOUR SELF-WORTH.

DO NOT GET-- LOVE YOUR BODY, FUCK THE MEDIA.

IT'S ALL PHOTOSHOP. LOVE YOUR BODY-- YEAH.

SERIOUS NOTE FROM WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

- UM... - [laughter]

BUT YOU ALSO DON'T WANNA GET BREAST IMPLANTS,

'CAUSE IF YOU GET BREAST IMPLANTS,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA ATTRACT THE WRONG KIND OF GUY.

EVERY GUY IN AN ED HARDY SHIRT IS GONNA WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? - [laughter, applause]

EVERY GUY IN A BLUETOOTH HEADSET

WITH FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF HIS CAR,

STITCHING ON HIS JEANS...

- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? - [laughter, applause]

SEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY BOOBS,

- AND MY LIFE IS QUIET. - [laughter]

NO ONE TRIES TO TALK TO ME.

I CAN GO INTO A NIGHTCLUB. NO ONE HARASSES ME.

NO ONE EVEN TRIES TO HUG ME. THIS IS NO FUN.

NO ONE WANTS TO DO THE STERNUM BUMP.

- IT'S NOT FUN. - [laughter]

I WALK BY A CONSTRUCTION SITE--

- SHOOOO...QUIET. - [laughter]

EVERY NOW AND THEN A CONSTRUCTION GUY'LL BE LIKE,

- "YO, WHAT'S UP, DUDE?" - [laughter]

WHICH-- I DON'T GET THAT. WHAT IS THE YELLING AT WOMEN?

WHAT IS THE-- YELLING AT STRANGERS?

WHAT IS THAT? WHAT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH?

LIKE, DO YOU THINK IN THIS HISTORY OF TIME

FIVE DUDES IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK

YELLING AT A GIRL JOGGING HAS EVER WORKED?

DO YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME ANY GIRL WAS EVER LIKE...

[breathing heavily]

AND HEARD, "AY-YI-YI-YI, LET ME SEE THOSE TITTIES!"

[laughter]

LIKE, DO YOU THINK IN THE HISTORY OF TIME

ANYONE EVER SAT DOWN WITH A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE

AND WAS LIKE, "HEY, SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?"

AND THE GIRL'S LIKE, "WELL, UH,

"ONE MORNING I WAS JOGGING,

"AND THIS TRUCK FULL OF FIVE DUDES DROVE BY.

"ONE OF THEM YELLED OUT,

"'I WANNA PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT,'

[laughter]

AND I WAS LIKE, 'HE'S THE ONE.'"

[laughter, applause]

I LOVE YOU GUYS. I'M WHITNEY CUMMINGS. THANK YOU SO MUCH!

- [cheers and applause] - THANK YOU!

WOW!

OH, WOW!

THANK YOU! OH, GOD!

OH, WOW! THANK YOU! OH, WOW! THANK YOU!

OH, WOW!

[cheers, whistles, applause]

THANK YOU.

[cheers, whistles, applause]

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

DEAD EYES