Original subtitles

[Rock music]

Hey guys.

Hey man, what's up?

There's your soy latte, sorry if it's a bit cold.

You know you shouldn't drink that shit?

Huh?

Soy.

It's too much estrogen.

I am comfortable exploring my feminine side.

You can explore all you want,

but if you keep drinking that shit

you'll actually grow a set of tits.

Especially with the amount of hair on that chest man,

that is not a good look.

Am I right?

What?

Well, he said if Carl keeps drinking the soy milk

he's gonna grow a set of man cans.

Oh, yeah. Sounds good.

Sounds good?

What's up man? What's going on?

Kathy and I broke up last night.

What?

Sorry, man.

I thought everything was going great?

It was.

I thought you just said you want to explore new things,

you know, sexually.

Yeah. Sexually.

That sounded better on paper.

Why? What does she want you to do?

Well, I was at her place last night, right?

And things were going great.

I kinda um...

want to do something different.

Something I've never done before.

I am so into that.

She told me that she had a surprise for me.

Porn?

Nope.

Anal?

Both good options, but no.

Did she try to stick her finger up your ass?

Why do chicks think we like that?

You don't like that, Mike?

You really do like to explore your feminine side, don't you?

Yeah, I like that. I like that, um...

I like it but it has to be very wet, and it can't be first.

No, no.

There was no finger up the ass.

Ok, so what?

What did she do?

What happened?

She had brought somebody home for a threesome.

Dude, that's awesome.

That is awesome!

It definitely wasn't awesome.

Are you fucking crazy?

You're going to complain about that to a married guy?

Look, the only time I get a threesome

is when somebody cancels at golf.

It wasn't as cool as it sounds.

Oh, fuck. Did she bring home someone ugly?

Not so much ugly, more like someone...

with a penis.

Nick, this is Dustin.

What's up?

Hold on a second.

Are you telling me she wanted you

to have a threesome with another dude?

Apparently.

What did she do?

She told him to leave?

Not exactly.

Can I talk to you for a second?

I'm not sure I'm that comfortable

with this surprise.

She pretty much just started having sex with him.

Did you kick the shit out of him

and throw him out of the apartment?

Yes, kind of.

This is fun.

Oh, that's good.

That's the spot?

Holy shit, you just stood there and watched,

didn't you?

No, I didn't...

Dude, can you take a picture?

What?

Quick, she's coming!

I think I'm just gonna...

How the hell could she do that to me?

No shit.

It's kind of a universal understanding that

when a girl throws out the threesome card

it's supposed to be with another chick.

Not another dick.

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong you guys.

I mean, I read all these magazines, right,

that say girls want a nice guy.

Someone who treats them well and communicates

and shares their feelings.

Well, I'm a guy like that, and what happens?

Your girlfriend brings home some random dude

and fucks the shit out of her right in front of you.

I meant it metaphorically, but thank you for the reminder.

It's important to be honest with yourself,

for your growth.

And also to just break old patterns.

So what should I do?

Should I become an asshole to get women?

Hey, Zane treats them like that all the time,

he gets laid.

It works.

True.

Yeah, but Zane's ridiculously good looking,

so it's not really a fair comparison.

Thanks, Carl.

Like I say, honesty is important for personal growth.

Ok, well, if we're being honest,

you're pretty average looking too,

so how do you do so well with the ladies?

I have a huge penis.

That's true, I've seen it.

I can also make love for hours.

I have excellent stamina.

For me, I found it's about relaxation

and being connected to your breath, so...

What're you doing?

When I thrust,

I don't want you to thrust on me.

I don't want to thrust down on anything.

When I thrust down upon them,

I have a core breath move.

Feel it.

Stop it.

No, no. Feel it.

I feel it.

Enough!

Ok.

You know what? It doesn't even matter because you know what?

I am officially taking a break from dating.

Yeah, take it out on the soy milk.

There you go, maybe you can grow

a nice set of titties yourself.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Best night ever?

Slut.

Oh, I bet she is.

Are you tapping that shit?

None of your business.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, of course you aren't.

What do you want, Kyle?

Banged a 21 year old last night.

Really? Aren't you, like, 40?

Yep.

Wow, that's pretty rape-y of you.

I know, right?

Wasn't a compliment.

Listen, corporate is sending over some rug-muncher

to do some office assessment or some shit,

so if you could get me the Thorpe account ASAP--

I thought you were supposed to do that.

Just do it.

Mindy, hey!

Wow.

Look at you, huh?

Are you on a diet?

Um, no.

No shit, fatty.

You're a dick, man.

True, but I'm also the dick who's getting laid all the time

and you're the dick sitting at his computer

jerking off over some chick on your laptop.

She's not just some chick.

She's my ex-girlfriend.

Even more pathetic.

Is it?

Just get me that account.

Asshole.

Wow, he is so sexy.

Unbelievable.

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Hey man, you feeling better?

No, worse. Much worse.

What happened?

This guy at work is a total tea bag

and women are throwing themselves at him.

Well, maybe he's a nice guy on the inside.

Nope, he's an asshole inside and out,

and chicks love the guy.

You know what?

As a species, I cannot figure them out,

and you know what?

I am done trying.

Come on, buddy.

This is stupid.

No, it's not.

In fact, this is the smartest decision I have ever made.

I am officially 100 percent done with women.

Stop what you're doing.

Listen up, people.

This is Jackie Stephens.

She's been sent from the head office to help us out.

[Slow funk music]

[Slow funk music]

Impressive.

She's talking to you, anal wart.

Pardon?

I said "impressive".

Oh!

Sorry, did I-

Don't touch.

No wonder your numbers are down.

That was... epic.

Um, Jackie, listen...

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Nick, Carl told me you're a chick-quitter.

Bullshit, we are going out tonight.

Sounds good.

What?

Yeah, I said I'm in.

Really?

Are you sure? I thought-

Yep, I'll see you tonight.

Mindy? You're up first.

Cow nuts, you're next.

So, Mindy.

What exactly do you do here?

Uh, I'm the receptionist.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

But what exactly do you do?

I answer the phones.

And how much do you make?

39,000 a year.

Are you aware that I could get an automated system

to answer the phones for $39 a month?

I didn't know that.

Do you have any idea how much that would save this company

over a year?

No.

Well, Mindy, I suggest you figure that out.

And when you and I meet again in two weeks,

I expect you to tell me why I shouldn't replace you

with a computer.

I need this job!

Dismissed.

Oh, and Mindy?

Yeah?

You have egg on your face.

Oh, you think I should be embarrassed?

No, you literally have a massive piece

of scrambled egg on your face.

It's kind of disgusting.

Oh.

Next.

Hey! How was it?

Brutal.

She's a monster!

Does she smell good?

She looks like she smells good.

Hi, uh, sorry.

I just wanted to apologize about before with the coffee.

Sit.

Right.

No, I just wanted to make sure you didn't get any

on your uh... wow.

What exactly do you do here?

Um...

I'm the accounts manager.

Well, it's my understanding that accounts are down

by 12 percent.

Does it smell like roses in here?

I can smell roses.

Can you tell me your strategy for compensating

for down-turning corporate accounts by 12 percent?

Uh..duh..I...

Excuse me?

[Pig Latin]

Is that Pig Latin?

Esyay.

Look, Mr. Roberts.

This is no joking matter, alright?

So if you don't have an explanation

in the next two weeks

as to the value you bring to this operation,

I can assure you it will be your last two weeks.

[Pig Latin]

We're done.

Real smooth, buddy.

You give me two weeks,

and I'll be bumping her ugly in your cubicle.

Shut up, Kyle.

Exsay on the eskday in the assay.

I'm kind of romantic like that.

Asshole.

It doesn't sound like there's a problem.

Carl, you don't understand, alright?

It's the worst thing that could possibly happen.

She's smart, sexy, and a total ball-buster.

Plus, she smells good.

I mean, she's like nobody I've ever met before.

She sounds amazing.

She sounds like trouble.

Yeah, agreed.

It's got disaster written all over it.

Why?

Because, man.

Chicks like that don't go for guys like me.

I mean, she's like Ivanka Trump,

and I'm like Jim from The Office.

Actually, you're not quite as funny as Jim.

I know.

Jim's like six foot five.

You're like, what, at tops, six feet?

Look, the point is a woman like that is impossible to score.

You're probably right.

Plus, she's been brought in to re-structure the company

so not only am I never going to see her naked,

but she's probably going to get me fired.

That sucks.

If I can't get a girlfriend now,

how the hell am I gonna get one without a job?

Ok, woah, woah, woah, woah.

Hold your horsetails there, pony boy.

Ok?

Trust this kid.

There's no woman you cannot score.

Alright?

He's right, ok?

You can do anything you put your mind to.

It's like I tell my little girl all the time.

And if she can turn a fart into a butterfly,

you can certainly convince some hot chick

to have some sex with you.

Exactly.

I mean, come on.

Have you even spoken to her yet?

Uh, yeah.

It wasn't pretty.

Oh, fuck me. You didn't.

I did.

Tell me you didn't speak Pig Latin to her.

I thought you went to therapy for that.

I had a relapse.

You know what?

Forget about her, man.

We're in a nightclub surrounded by hot fuckin' chicks.

Let's get out on the dance floor and slay some tang.

Let's go, come on!

Slay the tang!

Slay the tang!

[Dance music] ***

Not exactly dominating the dance floor.

You guys aren't exactly helping with the dad plaid.

Give it a sec, you know.

What about her?

Yeah, she's kinda cute I guess.

Fuck dude, you'd be lucky to tap that.

Yeah man, I know, I know.

I just...

that's what I'm trying to tell you guys.

Jackie has ruined all other women for me.

Bullshit, don't be a quitter.

Come on, we'll pick the hottest chick in the club alright,

and we'll go from there.

Alright, alright.

Uh...

her.

What about her?

Oh, come on.

She is smokin'.

Honestly, guys.

Give it up, it's never gonna happen.

Let's just...

let's just call it a night.

Wait.

What about that one?

Holy shit, that's her!

That's Jackie!

Fuck me, she is way out of your league.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I've been telling you assholes.

Alright, just calm down, you can do this, ok?

She's out there wearing that, she wants somebody to talk to.

What do I say?

You don't say anything at all,

you just walk up there

and you start dancing and you just hit her

with the fuck-me eyes.

Hit her with the fuck-me eyes, ok.

Alright, so like this?

A little of this?

No, dude.

Not like that at all.

You look like a pedophile.

Really?

Yeah.

Really? Huh.

Ok, so what, more like this?

No, what's that weird thing you're doing with your face?

You've got a double chin.

What thing?

That, the expression you're doing right now.

That's what he looks like.

Really?

When did his face get so puffy like that?

After the divorce.

No, no, you know what?

He actually never bounced back from the honeymoon.

Mmm.

Was that place all-inclusive?

Not helping.

Ok, you know what?

You look great, forget it, fuck it,

go out there and just go.

Alright, alright.

Fuck-me eyes!

Fuck-me eyes!

*

Hey!

*

Fuck!

*

Shit!

I knew that looked too easy!

Where the fuck did that guy come from?

I don't know, but he looks like he just stepped out of

an Abercrombie and Fitch ad.

How the hell can I compete with that?

Honestly, without plastic surgery and a personal trainer,

I don't think you can.

Holy shit guys, wait!

Flag on the play.

Dude.

I think you're fine.

What do you mean?

Well, unless you have a sudden urge to have a penis inside you

I don't think this guy's competition at all.

He's gay.

What?

Oh yeah, man.

This is your lucky day!

I bet she only hangs out with gay guys.

He thinks you're cute.

Where do you come up with this stuff?

How do you know that from watching her dance with one guy?

Because I'm a single dude in his '30's

that has learned the size of his opponents.

A girl like that has got all these walls built up and shit,

but deep down they're looking for a connection,

which is why it'd be perfect for Nicky.

You have no idea what you're talking about.

Dude, just keep your eye on her in the next couple of weeks,

and you just tell me what you see.

Report back to me.

Alright, I'll watch her.

Anybody got bloat stips?

Bloat stips?

Yeah, I got a rumble in my tummy, too much gluten.

I'm heading out for lunch.

Hold my calls.

I'm hungry too, so...

[Acoustic music]

[Acoustic music]

Hey there, handsome.

You look fantastic.

Fuck.

Tell me what's going on.

Yeah? It's all good?

Hi!

You guys are such a cute couple.

Sweet.

[Phone rings]

It's Nicky.

Hey, Nick.

You were right.

I know.

About what?

She only hangs out with gay dudes.

Awesome.

So what does that mean for me?

It means that she wants a relationship

but she's just scared.

Hey, she might actually go

for a really nice guy like you, dude.

Seriously?

Yeah, dude.

A girl like that just wants a good guy.

No tricks, no silly pick-up lines.

Just march into her office

and tell her you think she's great and ask her on a date.

Exactly, man.

Just be yourself.

Go for this one, buddy.

I've got a good feeling.

Yeah, man.

You can do this.

Ok, ok. I'll do it.

I am going to do it.

I got this.

*

*

*

Hey, Jackie.

You got a second?

Uh, actually I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Listen, um, I know we didn't really get off to a good start,

but I just wanted to tell you that I think you're great,

and I wanted to know if you'd like to grab a drink sometime.

Are you asking me out?

Yes, I am.

What kind of a moron are you?

Excuse me?

How dare you disrespect me like that at work?

I didn't mean to disrespect you,

that's not what I was intending.

I'm your boss.

I'm about to fire you

so you thought it'd be a good idea to ask me on a date?

No!

Gosh, no-

I would never ask you out on a date.

That's-

You just did.

No.

Hey, I got an idea, I'm tits-ass useless at my job.

Why don't I try to nail my new boss?

I would never want to nail you, you're mistaken.

Oh really?

Now I'm not good enough for you?

You don't want to have sex with me?

It's not that.

I'm sorry, what is it about me that makes you

not want to have sex with me?

I'm gay!

You're... what?

I'm...

gay.

You're gay?

Shhh!

Nobody in the office knows.

Can you just...

keep your voice down?

Seriously? You're still in the closet?

What decade is this?

I know it's kinda weird,

it's just that I came into it later in life,

very recently, so...

just work with me a bit here.

So you weren't asking me out on a date?

No.

On a date?

Absolutely not.

I... I just meant that you seem cool

and we didn't gel right away

so I just wanted to know if you wanted to,

I don't know, grab a drink and hang out.

You're gay?

Oh yeah.

Big time.

[laughs]

Oh, god.

I'm so sorry with the grrr!

I just, I've just found that when pathetic losers hit on me,

the best tactic is to scare the shit out of them.

Yeah, that makes...

that sounds right.

Let me make it up to you, ok?

I would actually love to hang out with you,

so why don't you come over to my place tonight for some drinks?

Really?

Yeah, that'd be great.

I'll email you the address.

Ok.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, no, that was...

I mean, clearly you and I would never work, right?

Absolutely.

On what planet would this ever... right, ok.

Good!

See you later then.

See you tonight. Ok.

Wow.

Boom!

Guess who's going to Jackie's place for drinks tonight?

Fuck off.

You did it?

Yep.

That is amazing.

So what happened?

You went in like a total stud and asked her out?

Yes.

Well, not exactly.

I uh... I went in there and I told her I was gay.

Wait, sorry, what?

I told her I was gay.

Are you?

No, fuck, of course not.

Then what the fuck?

It was...

it was a poor choice of words, alright?

But I panicked because when I asked her for a drink

she totally freaked out and started yelling at me,

so I sorta, like, blurted it out.

So why are you in such a good mood?

Because it totally worked, man.

Yesterday she had no idea who I was

and now I'm going to her place for cocktails.

No, no.

Look, I know I've been out of the dating game for a while here,

but this cannot be a good tactic.

It's not, it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah.

I agree, you're starting a relationship out based on a lie.

Who cares about a lie?

Lying is mandatory when it comes to women,

but you lie about being rich or having a massive hammer.

You lie to get laid, not to guarantee it'll never happen.

Yeah, you should have just stayed married

if you never wanted to have sex again.

Ok, look. I admit this plan has some flaws,

but at least it's progress, right?

I mean, I'll get to know her a bit

and then I'll tell her the truth

and she'll just laugh and she'll think it's funny.

You're an idiot.

Yeah, he's right.

You're an idiot.

I can't even look at you right now.

You're right, I'm totally fucked.

I am totally fucked!

Call Jeffrey.

Jeffrey, I need to ask a favour.

I need you to make me gay.

You want me to cornhole you?

What? What does that even mean?

You want me to have sex with you?

No! God no.

I just need you to help me convince someone else I'm gay.

Oh, well that shouldn't be too hard.

Ok, what do I do?

Do I, like, talk like this?

Oh my god! It's fabulous!

I didn't know you were a homophobic moron.

I'm not homophobic.

Then don't fucking do that!

We don't all fall into stereotypes.

I didn't mean...

Just act like yourself.

Ok.

You're plenty gay, don't worry.

Really? You think I can pass for gay?

Honey, you barely pass for straight.

Outstanding.

[Knocks on the door]

It's open!

I'll be right out.

Take your time, it's cool.

[Soft acoustic music] *

[Soft acoustic music] *

Oh, hey!

Hey!

You found it!

Yeah.

Great.

This place is uh...

it's beautiful.

Except, what's with all the mess?

Yeah, I'm kind of a slob.

Kind of a slob?

I lived in a frat house that was never this... disgusting.

You lived in a frat house?

That must have been like heaven for you.

What do you mean?

All those cute boys running around with their shirts off?

How did you contain yourself?

Oh, yeah, alcohol.

Lots of alcohol.

Speaking of which, can I get you a drink?

Sure, that'd be great.

Uh, vodka soda?

Just a beer if you have any.

Beer? Wow, you are full of surprises.

What're you talking about?

Most of my gay buddies are so worried about their looks,

they never drink beer.

Did you just call me fat?

No, I just mean that-

Pretty sure you just called me fat.

Or ugly.

Or both.

Oh, shut up.

One, two combo thing.

You're funny.

Thanks.

Nope.

Hurt your hands?

It's hard to get open.

Woah.

[laughs]

So uh... what do you want to do?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Maybe.

Let's get shitfaced!

Yeah!

Cheers!!!!

[Rock music]

[Rock music]

[Rock music]

[Rock music]

I cannot believe I didn't see it right away.

What?

That you're gay.

I mean, you may drink beer, but still.

It's pretty obvious.

Totally.

What's so obvious?

Well, the hair, for starters.

I mean, what straight man in his 30's

is still rockin' highlights?

You know what, it's funny, my ex talked me into those...

And the spray tan is a tell tale sign of a man

who loves to give blow jobs.

For the record, I'm really more of a receiver than a giver

when it comes to blow jobs.

Oh, really?

I love to give them.

That's awesome, for, you know, your boyfriend or...

whoever you give them to...

Oh, no.

No boyfriend right now.

I'm sort of in an "all men are assholes" phase, you know?

What about you?

Are you seeing anyone?

No, actually I just broke up with somebody.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's not that bad.

It turns out they were a horrible person,

so I dodged a bullet on that one.

[Phone rings]

Ugh.

Speaking of assholes,

that jackass Kyle from the office keeps calling me.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear you think he's a jackass.

Ugh, he's the worst!

He's one of those totally good-looking guys

who acts all charming

and then the minute you open your legs

for him he turns into a total dick.

He is a dick.

He's a big, massive dick.

I've been saying that for years.

Besides, who would sleep with someone from work?

I mean, it's like the most rookie move in the book.

Yeah, that's dumb.

I'm so kidding.

I had crazy, meaningless sex

with everyone from my last office.

You did?

Oh yeah.

And if they didn't want to fuck me,

I just threatened to fire them.

Wow.

Yeah.

Sexual harassment is so underrated.

Not a phrase you hear every day.

I'm kidding.

You thought I was serious?

Oh my god, you just looked at me

like I was the biggest slut in the world!

To be fair you do have this natural ability

to make these things not seem like a big stretch.

So you actually think that Kyle is good-looking?

You're not into him?

Not so much.

You won't go down on him?

Absolutely not, but-

Would you let him go down on you?

Hmm...

I'm gonna have to go with no on that.

Really?

He's like a beaver.

Have you noticed that?

He's like:

"Hi, how's it going? I'm Kyle!

I'm gonna cut your dick off!"

Trust me. I wouldn't go there.

You know, you're really...

I don't know.

You're a lot nicer than you act at work.

And you are a lot gayer than you act at work.

Well, I won't tell them your secret

if you won't tell them mine.

Deal.

Deal.

Ok, see?

That's the problem, right?

If we don't do this, the piggies don't play.

And if the piggies don't play, what happens?

This one's for you.

Ok, you see that?

That's the big dogs eat, the little dogs go home.

Kyle!

What? Fuck me!

Hi!

Hi, didn't know it was you, sorry.

Mmmhmm.

So I've been going over the Thorpe account.

I had nothing to do with that, that was all Nick.

You sure?

Yeah.

Because the projections and the analysis on that account

are unlike anything I've ever seen from this office.

I know, and I have to apologize for his incompetence,

I'm sorry.

Actually, it's brilliant.

So I'd like you to go in your office and study Nick's work.

And once you understand the principles,

I'd like you to apply them to all other accounts

within the firm.

Jackie, that'll take, like, a month.

Well, you better get started.

Why don't we get Nick to do it?

See, Nick already knows how it works.

Which is why I'm going to take him out of the office

and get him to speak with the clients personally.

Sweetie, no offense but I take care of the clients personally.

Well, not anymore.

Nick, let's go.

We have lots of work to do.

Have fun, fuzz nuts.

Wow.

She just ripped your dick off and made you suck it.

You know, I am going to pretend I didn't hear that.

So are we actually going to meet with clients now, or...?

Hell no, I'm thinking a bottle of white

and an afternoon movie?

For real?

Yeah.

Man, you should have started working here like a long,

long time ago.

Ok, here you go.

Woah.

You are a horrible influence.

What are you talking about?

Uh, we're playing hooky from work and drinking before noon.

Hooky from work?

I started at five am this morning.

Besides, I've already figured out how

I'm going to re-structure the company.

Oh yeah?

Am I gonna get fired?

Maybe.

I'm kidding!

Aaah.

Really funny.

Loosen up, holy.

Give me your feet.

I'll give you a rub.

Seriously?

Hey buddy, this is a one-time offer,

so don't screw it up by asking too many questions.

Alright, ok.

I'll take a massage.

What are you doing?

I don't really touch feet.

If you want to get something in this world

you gotta give something.

Oh, ok.

I see how this works.

You lied to me.

You are so not gay!

I am!

I'm all about male on male intercourse, that's what I-

I live for it.

No, no.

No, no.

These feet are repulsive.

No self-respecting gay man should ever be this ungroomed.

My feet are perfect.

No, these feet suck.

Yours aren't even human, they're like hobbit feet.

This one's Frodo and that one, that's Bilbo.

My feet are adorable.

This one farted.

What is with this? The hair?

You ever heard of a razor?

Do you have some rope

or something I could possibly hang myself with?

Oh, that's the most revolting thing ever.

You know what?

I'm taking us for pedicures.

How is the rest of you so attractive?

And those bunions... wow.

*

*

Ok, I've gotta admit.

This is awesome.

Very Sex and the City of us.

Just a couple of girls hangin' out.

Woah, woah.

I'm not a girl, alright?

Excuse me, do you have like a clear polish for that?

You definitely look like the wikipedia entry

for a man right now.

Hey, don't make me fuck you, alright?

I will.

Like you could even get it up.

Oh, I've been with women before.

Really?

Oh yeah, I was even married to one.

Alright.

How many women have you been with?

I don't know, like nine or ten.

Wow, that must have been awful for them.

Thank you, that's a really sweet thing to say.

It just made me feel good about myself.

I just mean-

I'm warm and fuzzy now.

No, I just mean you're probably having sex with them

thinking about their brothers or their dads.

You know, pounding away on them,

dreaming about some man with a mustache.

Is that your creepy fantasy?

Old dudes with mustaches?

No.

Maybe that's why you're still single.

Nope, I'm still single because I gave some guy my heart

and he turned me into a joke, so...

Maybe you should have sex with his dad to get back at him.

Already tried that.

Ooh, slut!

Sometimes.

Why are you still single?

I don't know, I guess

I'm waiting to meet the right person.

Maybe the wait's over.

Let's go out tomorrow night.

Have some fun.

Ok.

Wear something sexy, ok?

Done.

I always wear something sexy.

Not today, my friend.

Not today, but most times.

*

It's been amazing, we totally connect.

Like brother and sister?

No, man.

We've been flirting like crazy, we have mad chemistry.

It's cause she thinks you have a vagina.

Who doesn't love vaginas?

Gay dudes.

I told her I'd been with a woman before,

and she asked me out.

She told me to dress sexy.

So what're you gonna wear?

This.

Absolutely not.

So what the hell am I supposed to wear?

Not that.

I think your right ball is bigger than your left one.

I feel like you're a gay Bono.

Ow.

Fuck this.

Fuck it.

That's the one.

Perfect.

That looks like a guy who's gonna get laid tonight.

Awesome.

[Dance music]

[Dance music]

You look amazing.

Thanks, so do you.

You are so getting laid tonight.

Are you up for a one-night stand?

Ok.

Nick, this is Caleb.

Caleb, this is Nick, the guy I was telling you about.

Nice to meet you.

You are so getting laid tonight.

I'm going to leave you guys alone and grab some drinks, ok?

You know what?

I'm not thirsty.

I'm totally-

Woooo!

So Jackie tells me you like sports and beer and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

I guess that's why she thought we'd be a good match, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

Oh hey!

Do you like UFC?

Yeah man, sure.

Yeah!

It's great, right?

I mean, two guys locked in a cage,

dominating each other.

We should wrestle some time.

You know what?

I kinda have a bad back, so...

Jackie tells me you're still in the closet at work.

Yep, yep.

The pigs don't know, huh?

No, they don't.

Yeah, I knew that.

What do you mean?

Come on, man. It's obvious.

You've got a lifetime of sexual repression just built up,

ready to explode.

We definitely should wrestle sometime.

Hey, guys.

For you.

There you go, handsome.

Let's go dance.

Hey, it's too loud in here.

Let's go back to my place for some drinks.

Sounds good.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Let's play "I never"!

Yeah!

What's that?

It is a drinking game.

Somebody starts a sentence with "I never"

and then if anyone has done what that person says,

they take a shot.

It's super simple, ok? I'll start.

Um... ok.

I have never cheated on anyone.

Shocking.

So if you've ever cheated on anyone,

you gotta take a drink.

I'll pour it down your mouth.

Yeah, I understand how the game works.

Lies!

Ok.

You're so good! I love you!

Ok.

I have never masturbated to Brad Pitt.

Who hasn't?

What are you, a monk?

Come on, even monks masturbate to Brad Pitt.

He's not my type, so...

What do you mean, he's not your type?

I don't know.

I'm talking Fight Club.

Even in Fight Club, nah.

Not my type.

Really?

Well, we all know that I'm not your type.

Let me do one.

Uh... I know.

I've never told like a small lie

to get someone to sleep with me.

Oh! We definitely need more booze.

Interesting.

What about you?

You don't see me drinking, do you?

Ok, listen up!

I have never slept with a woman.

Seriously?

College.

You're disgusting, the both of you!

Especially you.

Ok, I have never...

Come on, come on!

I've never had my heart broken!

Really?

Ugh.

Fuck me, I'm sobering up here.

Can we do an easy one?

I have never had a one night stand.

That's my little slut.

That's my little slut!

Oooooh!

No, he did not!

He did not!

Oh, I love this guy!

I love this guy!

Right? Right?

I love this guy!!!!!

Super fun, but I'm getting pretty drunk so I'm gonna...

that was probably my limit.

I'm gonna call it a night now, so...

No!

Just stay, just one more, please stay and do one more.

One more.

Have one more.

Ok, one more.

But I gotta go pee.

Oh, my God, he's so beautiful!!!

What the fuck are you doing?

You need to get out of this house.

You guys, I'm pretty hammered.

I think I'm just gonna call it a night.

Guys?

Jackie?

Have fun, Nick.

What?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you.

Beg your pardon?

I am gonna fuck the shit out of you.

No, thank you.

What, you're not gonna say no to this are you?

What the hell is that thing?

He calls himself "the weapon".

Oh, god. Put him away!

Get rid of him!

And he wants to do something about that wrestling match

you guys were talking about.

I don't believe in violence.

Oh, I am going to fuck the Christian conservative ass

right off of you!

You know, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now!

You've been giving me those fuck-me eyes all night!

I need clarity on what that look is.

Uh-oh.

What?

Weapon's loaded.

Oh, god, put it away!

Can't tell it shit, man!

Down you go, down you go!

Oh my god, I'm sorry.

Fuck me I love this rap stuff!

Aaaaah!

Yeah!

Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going?

Hey, come on.

Ok, look, I'm gonna count to three.

Don't be an asshole.

I shaved my sack for this!

This is stupid right now,

open the door and we're facing each other.

Come on!

I want to be in you!

This isn't over until I-

[Car horn beeps]

It turns out I'm a cock tease.

That sounds horrible.

That sounds hilarious.

I may need to re-think this course of action.

Ok, pros and cons of you being gay.

Well, the pro is that I get to hang out with Jackie.

She's incredible.

Cons.

Well, at the end of the day I don't get to make love to her.

And you got your ass kicked.

True.

And you nearly got date raped by the gay John Holmes.

Both valid points, but I think it's worth it.

Dude, are you fucking nuts?

You barely escaped last night with your anal virginity

still intact.

Yeah, at least when I don't get laid,

no one's trying to ram a foot long into my ass.

Mike, stop making all those jokes.

We know you have so much sex, so much sex,

your penis probably stings,

you have insurance for the skin on it.

Your wife is happy, so just give it a rest.

You're right, ok?

I just didn't want to make my buddy here feel like a loser

for giving up his gay cherry just to hold hands

with some chick.

I am still a gay virgin.

Just.

And next time you won't be so lucky.

I'm sure she got it out of her system.

Trust me, Jackie will never set me up ever again.

Ever.

Steve is a dog trainer.

Whisperer, Jackie.

Dog whisperer.

He's an artist.

You have a dark soul.

I thought you said he was going to be good-looking.

Thor.

Oh, right.

'Cause you look like him.

No, no.

Hammer.

I'm gonna need batteries.

Right.

It won't operate by itself.

I must paint you.

Sounds fun.

He's like Zach from Saved by the Bell.

That's not bad, though.

No, Zach on the bod but Screech on the face.

Enough.

Would you stop trying to set me up with people?

Those guys were all hot.

I'm not saying that they weren't attractive.

Well, good.

'Cause they're better looking than you.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Hey, if you see anything on the floor there,

I think it's just my self-esteem.

It popped right out of me.

Ok, come on.

All I'm saying is they were all a-list, ok?

So what is the problem?

I have feelings for someone else, alright?

Who?

Just this amazing, gorgeous, hilarious person

that I'm totally in love with.

So why aren't you together?

It's complicated.

He's not gay, is he?

It's not that, it's just...

he's my ex, alright?

And he won't be with me while I'm still in the closet,

but I'm hoping we'll get back together

so please stop setting me up with people.

If you're not going to date him right now,

then why don't you have a little fun with these guys?

You know, have some sex without the emotional connection.

If I'm going to have sex without the emotion

I might as well be doing it by myself.

Oh, god.

I only have emotionless sex.

Seriously?

How come?

Well, I love sex, hate the heartbreak.

Kinda the perfect solution.

Oh yeah?

I think you're just scared.

I would love to be in some deeply connected

emotionally powerfully sexual relationship,

but that is just not a reality.

I call bullshit, I think you can totally have that,

you just need to be open to the possibility of it first.

Fine.

Let's just agree that we are both emotionally damaged

and we can take comfort in our non-sexual companionship.

Fine.

He keeps asking about you.

Who?

Caleb.

The psycho?

[laughs]

What? What?

He said he wants to fuck your face.

Oh, that's delightful.

You think that's funny?

I think it's romantic.

You are a sick, deranged woman.

I'll take that as a compliment, Nicholas.

So I don't get it.

How come out here you're nice and fun

but at work you're like ice cold?

That's not true.

Are you kidding?

At the office you are an evil, horrible person.

No, I'm not.

Really?

Tell that to Barry.

Barry, question.

Were you dropped on your head as a child?

I beg your pardon?

Forced to eat paint chips?

I don't think so.

Then where the hell is the Anderson report?

I emailed it to you.

Yes, and I asked you for a hard copy.

Where is the hard copy?

I wanted to be green, you know?

Save the planet.

Save the planet on your own time, hippy.

But when you're at work, you do as I tell you.

You understand?

Get me a goddamn hard copy of that report.

Recycle that.

Look, if you're an attractive woman in a power position

and you show any sign of weakness,

people use it against you.

Are we saying you're attractive?

Kidding.

You could lead by inspiring people,

not by intimidating them.

You calling me a phony?

Big time.

So are you.

Yes, I am.

Ok. Maybe that's why we get along so well.

You pretend to be a badass but deep down you're a pussy?

And you pretend to be straight but deep down you love the cock.

I wouldn't phrase it that way.

I love the cock, too.

Stop saying that.

Cock, cock, cock.

Man, you are squeamish.

Please, stop.

Ok, cool.

We don't need to talk about cocks.

Why don't we talk about balls, the way they bounce-

Can you shut the fuck up?

Sorry, didn't realize a little cock talk

would get you so upset.

No, it's not that, it's just that that's my ex

walking towards us.

Really? Where?

I don't see him.

It's not a him, it's a her.

And she doesn't know I'm-

Nicky, is that you?

Please don't say anything.

Oh, it is you.

Why didn't you say hi?

Oh, hey, Grace.

Sorry, I didn't...

I didn't see you there.

How's it going?

I got engaged.

Wow. Congratulations.

To who?

Derek.

The guy you cheated on me with, that's awesome.

What took so long.

Waiting until the divorce was finalized,

his wife had to pay alimony...

Sure.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Who's your friend?

Hmm?

Oh, sorry, this is Jackie.

Hi.

Is she your girlfriend?

No.

Yes!

Well, is she or isn't she?

I'm sorry, we hadn't officially used that word yet,

but the sex has just been so great that I figured I was.

Really?

Yeah, we've just been in the bedroom banging the last month

so we haven't really had time to talk about our relationship,

if you know what I mean.

Right Nick?

Nicky?

Yeah.

Come here.

Ok, I'm right here.

Sorry Grace, when did you say...

when's the wedding?

It's in September.

I need you inside me right fucking now.

Ok, we were talking.

Get that dick inside me.

Feel that drum beat?

My vagina is throbbing.

That's probably my cue, Grace.

But, good to see you.

Give me a call sometime.

[Laughing]

That was, like, the greatest moment of my life.

Did you see the look on her face?

I thought she was having a mini-stroke.

Oh, no, no, that's just what she looks like.

She's got a fart face.

A what?

You know those people who are always scowling

and look like a fart smell is right in front of their nose?

She totally looks like that.

Why the hell did you marry a fart face?

I have no idea, I'm not a smart man.

You know, you really surprised me with that kiss there.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you started the kiss and I was just like...

No, no.

I just mean I didn't expect you to be such a good kisser.

You got me all fired up.

Really?

Yeah.

Now I have to find some random guy

to have emotionless sex with.

Oh, that's fun for you.

Super fun.

I am a man in love.

No, you are a fucking idiot.

That's a bit harsh.

It's not, though.

Zane's right, you really are a fucking idiot.

Didn't you hear what I said?

We kissed.

Under false pretenses.

Yeah, but she said I was an excellent kisser.

Yeah, and then she said she was gonna go out

and bang a random.

She's probably on that dine and dash website

ordering take-out right now.

What's that?

Not a site for ordering food.

She wouldn't do that.

What kind of person would do that?

Don't be judgmental.

Look, the point is we're perfect for each other.

We connect n every level.

No, the point is you've gone Joaquin Phoenix on us

and created this weird alter-ego

and that's who she connects with.

She doesn't even know that heterosexual Nick exists.

Yes she does, she knows that I used to be married to a woman.

Right, and she likes you because you hated it.

She feels comfortable around you

because you're not a sexual predator.

Exactly.

It's like when I walk around holding my daughter's hand.

Every hot chick in the city is smiling at me

like I'm a castrated grandpa.

She doesn't look at me like that, alright?

There was tongue.

When we kissed there was tongue.

She was trying to make it convincing.

She feels sorry for you.

She can't imagine how hard it must be

to be a repressed gay man

in a relationship with a fart faced,

gold-digging, two-timing whore.

Yes!

Look, she trusts me, alright?

She's not afraid to be herself around me.

Ok, that's because

she thinks you like her for her personality.

The truth is you're just a sex-crazed asshole

like the rest of us but you're not man enough to admit it.

Guys, I love her.

Alright?

I'm... I'm in love with her.

Then you've gotta come clean right now.

Maybe you're right.

You gotta put it all on the table

and you gotta tell her the truth.

You think that'll work?

How could it not?

The plan's been flawless so far.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna tell her.

Yeah!

Good.

I'm doing it.

Good, go do it.

Go get it!

Wish me luck.

Say words, Nick.

I'm gonna do this.

Alright, man.

Do it!

He's doing it.

I would say he'd be doing it.

This is awesome.

This is stupid.

It's a bit of both.

Should I rack 'em up?

Jackie?

I'll be right out.

Ok, you can do this, you can do this.

Get it together, man.

Nick. I need you to be honest with me.

That is exactly why I came here.

How do they look?

Fucking fantastic.

Are you sure?

'Cause I feel like gravity's really been working against me

the last couple of years.

No, I don't think that at all.

Don't just be nice, be honest.

Here, have a feel.

[Hallelujah music]

Stop being so disgusted.

Gay guys love boobs.

Ok, they're definitely circles.

I have a date tonight, so I need your help.

You have a date tonight?

Yeah, so I need to know:

should I have sex with the bra off, like that...

Like that?

Yeah.

Or should I put a bra on?

So more like this.

Like that?

Yeah.

Just lift.

I think they'd be good either way.

You are no use.

I'm sorry, I just...

I... wasn't expecting...

you... what?

Who?

You have a date tonight?

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh.

Kyle.

Kyle?

Yeah.

What?

I thought you said you'd never sleep with him.

Well, I know.

But the truth is I haven't had sex

since I went to Cabo last Christmas,

and I was so wasted that I don't remember any of it, so...

Look, Jackie, you can't have sex with Kyle.

He's a total jackass.

Emotionless sex, remember?

Kyle has zero emotions, so it'll be perfect.

I just think you can do way better.

Well, hah...

oh, do you know a good restaurant?

He wants me to pick.

He wants you to pick?

Yep.

Of course he does.

Come on, anywhere?

Yeah, you should go to Zane's, on 3rd Street.

Ok, cool.

I gotta go get ready.

Great.

Kyle.

Service.

Hey Tracey, you want to eat my nuts?

They're freshly chopped.

Hey!

Hey!

Woah, hey Nick, what are you doing here?

I'm totally fucked, man.

Dude, you finally told her the truth?

No, I didn't have a chance.

She's on a date.

And she's not just banging some random,

she's about to have sex with my nemesis.

Who?

That Derek dude that your wife cheated on you with?

No!

The guy your ex-girlfriend brought home

and had sex with right in front of you?

No.

How many nemesis's do you have?

Wait, nemesis's?

Is that plural?

Guys, shut up!

Alright, she's about to have sex with my boss Kyle,

it's the worst thing that could possibly happen.

So if she had sex with a nice, friendly guy

that'd be totally fine?

You know what I mean.

Guys, I just got your text.

What the hell's going on?

Jackie's about to have sex with Nick's nemesis's.

Nemesis, Carl.

Nemesis.

Ok, so what're we supposed to do about it?

Well, I told her to bring him here so we could sabotage it.

How the hell are we gonna do that?

I don't know, I haven't thought that part through.

Are they even here yet?

Yeah, that's them right there.

Holy shit, that guy does look like a dick.

He is.

So what should we do?

I got it.

Tracey, Tracey, come here for a sec.

'Sup?

You're an actress, right?

Yeah, I was on a show last week.

That's cool, they didn't give you any lines, did they?

No.

Well, I have a speaking role for ya.

You see that guy right there?

Yeah, what about him?

I want you to walk up to the girl he's with and say the line

"um, I had sex with this asshole a couple of months ago

and he totally gave me herpes".

Not a chance.

Tracey, the first rule of improv is you always say yes.

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, you should go blow yourself.

Dude, I'm so gonna bag that tonight.

Uh, sorry dude, I thought that was gonna work.

No, that's brilliant.

You, by the way, look ravishing tonight.

Thanks.

You know, I gotta admit, Jackie, I was a little, just a little,

surprised that you called.

I like to be unpredictable, so...

You know, can I just say something?

The way that you handle yourself at work,

I mean your decisive decision-

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I can pretty much guarantee that you're gonna get laid tonight

as long as you stop talking.

Understood?

Yes, ma'am.

10-4 laryngitis setting in.

So let's just get nice and drunk,

we'll see what happens, ok?

Ok, inebriation, my favourite three letter word.

Hey guys, welcome to Zane's.

I've got a beer for the gentleman

and a lime margarita, extra tequila, for the lady.

Thank you.

You look familiar, have we met?

I'm pretty sure I would remember that.

Well, I'm pretty sure I remember that.

Hey, fella.

Guy.

It's me down here at the North end of the table.

Yeah, we're just gonna sit here,

we're gonna enjoy our cocktails together,

the young lady and myself.

Why don't you toodle-oo and run along.

Ok, how's that?

Does it taste good?

Mmm. It's fantastic.

Not like that cheap shit that you get down in Mexico

at those all-inclusive.

Although that stuff gets the job done as well.

Holy shit, that's it!

Cabo. Last Christmas.

I met you in Mexico.

Um, I don't remember that.

Were you there?

Yeah.

Oh, Cabo, I've stayed at a little B&B on the beach,

porpoises everywhere.

I can't believe you don't remember that.

I was totally wasted the whole time I was there.

I was, right on the plane.

You know?

Totally.

I went with some guys, we were tippin' tequila in sombreros...

Jackie, right?

Yeah.

Yes, Jackie.

Oh my god, listen.

This is going to be a little bit awkward guys, but uh...

we had unprotected sex down there

and I have a really bad case of genital herpes,

and there's a good chance that you have it now, too.

Oh.

But hey, enjoy your drinks,

and I'll come back in a bit and get your food order.

Boom!

You did it?

Oh, you should have seen the look on their faces,

there's no way they're having sex tonight.

Sweet! Nice!

Let's watch.

Fuck.

Why aren't they leaving?

You know, that beer is about two degrees warm.

Why don't we just go, ok?

And forget this ever happened.

No, no, no.

I'm good, I'm good.

It's cool.

What?

The whole herpes thing?

Don't sweat it.

I brought condoms.

I'm up for it if you are.

Really?

If you like, scratch away.

Come on.

Prost.

Ok.

There we go.

Fuck me.

He's so desperate to get laid

he's willing to risk a lifelong STD.

This guy's no joke.

We have underestimated our opponent.

So what do we do now?

Shellfish.

He's allergic to shellfish.

I remember at one of the office Christmas parties

he ate some shrimp and almost had a seizure.

Perfect.

Woah, woah, woah, guys!

Hang on a second.

Nick, I know you hate this guy

and you'd do anything to keep him from getting inside her,

but how far are we gonna take this?

Alright guys, here's a round on the house

and some chips and guac to make up for the lifelong battle

of the genital scabs, alright?

I love guac.

Well, you're gonna love that,

and there's a lot more where that came from so dig in.

Thank you, sir.

What a great guy.

Here we go, herpes schmerpes, right?

I can work around that.

I can work around it.

Arriba!

Nope, can't do it Kyle.

This whole herpes thing is kinda killing the vibe for me.

You promised me S E X.

Ok?

And I promise you that I will keep this zipped.

Wow, Kyle, that is so sweet of you.

But also totally creepy.

[Choking]

What are you doing?

Kyle, knock it off, okay?

Stop joking around, Kyle.

Come on, don't embarrass me.

Fine, I will have sex with you, ok?

You guys doing ok here?

How's the crab guacamole?

I'm allergic to crab.

You're allergic to crab but you're fine with herpes?

That's kinda weird.

You're allergic to crabs?

His pen?

His pen!

Holy shit, he just fucking died!

[Screams] Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Sex.

Sex.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Sex now.

Just get up.

I'm half-chub.

I'm good for sex.

What?

You promised.

Holy shit, did you see that?

He just came back from the dead to sleep with her.

I just think he wants it more than you, man.

You have to admire his dedication.

Guys, I think we have to give him this one.

Bullshit!

He ate a bad piece of fish, I have been gay for weeks,

I'm not letting him win this.

I just don't think we can beat this guy.

No! We can, we just have to kick it up a notch.

How?

We're gonna have to kidnap him.

My area is gonna need a little mouth-to-mouth.

You know what Kyle, that's it.

I'm done.

Aaaaaauuuuggh!

Did anyone else see that?!

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, how's the date going?

I wouldn't even know where to start.

I'm shitfaced, can you come pick me up?

I'll be right there.

One steam boat, two steam boat, three...

yeah.

Did you just see three white...

with...

Hey!

Jesus Christ, where the hell did you come from?

I was just in the neighbourhood.

What?

Where's Kyle?

He just got kidnapped by the Klu Klux Klan.

Ok, that sounds good.

You wanna grab your stuff?

Let's get you out of here, hey?

Ok.

Ok, woah.

How much did you drink tonight?

I have the worst luck with men!

What is the deal?

Woah, watch your step.

Watch your step.

I gotta stop dating douche bags.

Yeah, you do.

Like, fricken...

can we get some food?

Sure.

I think we need to get..

I think I want, like, poutine.

What's that?

Have you ever been to Canada and had poutine?

No.

Frick, it's like the best thing in the entire world.

Ok, woah, watch it.

God, it is hot in here.

And the clothes are coming off.

Oh, so tight.

Ok, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's get you down.

Woah!

Ok.

Are you alright?

Yeah.

Oh, Nick.

I wish you were a man... for me.

I am a man.

You know what I mean.

I just wish...

I wish...

What?

I wish...

You wish what?

You wish what?

Jackie, I gotta...

I gotta tell you something.

I love you.

I'm in love with you.

Jackie?

Nick, I have herpes.

That's not what I thought you were gonna say.

I have blue balls.

Goodnight.

And she's a snorer.

It's still kinda cute.

Not that cute.

[Snoring]

Jackie?

Wake up.

Wake up.

Fuck off.

Wake up!

Woah!

I'm up! I'm up!

Nick?

What're you doing here?

You don't remember?

I rescued you from the restaurant last night.

Oh, oh yeah, that's right.

Oh my god.

I think Kyle might be dead.

Maybe.

Kidding, I just called him.

He's totally fine.

Actually, he was bragging about getting laid last night.

Really?

Oh, well maybe he got gang banged by the Klan.

Yeah, maybe.

That was such a weird night.

Sounds like it.

You were really hoisting them back it looks like.

Ugh.

Do you...

do you remember anything about last night?

Not really, no.

No?

You don't remember anything about, like,

the end of the night?

No. Why?

I didn't hit on you, did I?

No, it wasn't like that.

I...

That would have been hilarious.

No, it wasn't that.

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Yeah.

What?

What?

Yeah, I will.

Ok, thanks.

Bye.

Hey, you ok?

No.

My dad just died.

What?

Yeah.

Um, it's ok.

He's been sick for a while, so it's not a surprise.

Still, I mean, that's horrible.

Yeah, it is.

Um... I...

I know this sounds stupid, but is there anything I can do?

I have to um...

I have to go home.

Will you come with me?

Yeah. Come here.

[Soft acoustic music]

[Soft acoustic music]

[Soft acoustic music]

[Soft acoustic music]

Bye, dad.

Well, dad wanted this to be short and sweet, so...

today we celebrate the life of a great man.

A self-described "quirky son of a bitch".

Charlie, can you do the honours?

Yeah.

This one's for you, dad.

Smoking a joint's part of the family tradition?

Yeah, dad wanted us to get blitzed with him

one last time.

[Coughs]

That pot's got a strange kick to it.

It's not just pot.

It's also pop.

That's totally fucked.

Welcome to the family.

Drop the body in the ground!

[cheering]

So, uh... you're my sister's new gay.

Yeah.

I'm Nick.

I'm married.

Ok.

To Jackie's sister, Angela.

Nick, it's Carol.

Carol.

Oh, it's so good to meet you,

Jackie's told me so much about you.

That's nice.

What do you guys do?

Spoken word, poetry...

Jazz, tap, interpretive dance.

You're one of those guys who can just eat chips all day

and not gain any weight.

Yeah, I guess.

Fuck you, man.

Gay?

Yeah.

Oh, you fucker.

You've really got it figured out

with the whole gay guy thing.

Living with a woman is hard.

'Cause you take sex out of the equation,

and you're only hanging out with each other

because you actually like spending time together.

I'm on this stupid gluten-free diet,

it's killing me.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know what has gluten in it?

No.

Everything.

Everything worth eating has gluten.

Pussy.

Gluten.

Didn't know that.

It's got yeast.

You like football, right?

Yeah.

And sex?

Yep.

Football sex.

It's pretty cool he came here with you.

I haven't known him that long,

but I totally trust him.

You're saying if you were gay

we would have sex while watching football?

It could happen.

He doesn't smell gay.

Are you really?

Kinda.

[Rock music]

You're related to everybody here.

[Rock music]

I can't believe he's actually gone.

Yeah, I wish I could have met him.

He was one of the good guys.

Like you.

I can't believe we smoked your father.

Well, it could have been worse.

How could it possibly have been worse?

Carol wanted to snort him.

Yep, that would have been worse.

I'm glad you're here.

Me too.

Bye guys.

That was fun last night.

Nice to meet you.

Football maybe?

Yeah, cool.

Call me and let me know you got home safe.

Ok, honey. We'll be ok.

Ok.

Woah, there it is.

I'm gonna go get the bags.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye, we'll talk to you soon.

Call me when you get home.

Ok, bye.

Hang on a sec.

What's up?

I don't know what's going on,

but I've seen you look at my sister

and you're about as gay as Hugh Hefner.

I have no idea what you-

Just don't hurt her, ok?

She may think you're gay,

but I've never seen her more comfortable with a guy before.

Look, I'm gonna tell her the truth, ok,

just not right this second.

Please don't say anything.

Fine.

But you better tell her soon.

Ok.

Hey, we're home.

Thanks for driving.

Yeah, you bet.

Hey, look. Jackie, um...

I need to talk to you about something.

Ok.

I um...

Uh, this is weird.

I don't even know where to start.

Um...

I love hanging out with you.

Thanks.

Yeah.

You make me feel good about myself,

and it's made me realize I can't keep doing this.

I've been living a lie and I'm sick of it.

It's time to come clean,

no matter what the consequences.

No more hiding, I'm ready to be my real self.

Nick, I know exactly what you mean.

You do?

Yeah.

And it's ok.

It is?

Of course it is.

Honestly, I am so tired, so can we talk about this later?

Why don't you come to my place tomorrow night, ok?

We'll get all the secrets out in the open

and we'll start fresh.

That... that'd be great.

It's gonna be great.

Best weekend ever.

I thought it was a funeral?

No, it was more like a party.

That's kinda fucked up, man.

No, no. It was beautiful.

Let me tell you, I have never gotten so close

to a woman before.

So what, you're a virgin now?

What?

Well, if you've had sex before,

then technically you have been closer to a woman.

Yeah, now you're just lying to yourself, Nick.

I mean emotionally.

I have never gotten so close to someone emotionally.

It's an honest connection.

Even though you've been lying to her the whole time?

It doesn't matter.

I mean, we slept in the same bed

and we just cuddled all night.

It was pure.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah it was, it was pure.

Question: while you were cuddling with her,

did you have a boner?

A boner?

Jesus Christ, what are we, 12?

No, that's the question.

Did you have a boner?

Yes.

Part two: while she was dozing off,

reminiscing the death of her father,

were you thinking about entering her the entire time

with your little boner in her back?

Yes.

Ok, since you've been back,

how many times have you masturbated

while thinking about that cuddle?

Eleven.

Eleven?

Fuck me, that's impressive.

That is really actually impressive.

Those are like high school numbers.

Look man, if you're that backed up

you gotta come clean right now.

Yeah, you gotta tell her the truth or you're gonna explode.

I'm not talking emotionally,

I'm talking your ball sack might just go boom.

You sneeze or fart, jizz everywhere.

Ok, you know what guys?

Just don't worry about it alright,

'cause it's taken care of.

You told her?

I told her I needed to be honest about who I am

and she said she knew exactly what I was talking about

so I'm going over to her place tonight

and we're gonna get a fresh start.

That's awesome.

That's great.

It is awesome.

Anyways, I gotta go 'cause I gotta get ready.

It's like 9:00 in the morning right now.

I know, but I'm gonna go to the gym for like six hours.

I wanna look totally ripped

when she finally sees me naked.

More lies, Nick.

I should probably get a spray tan.

No, you most definitely should not do that.

Yeah, you're starting to look like a real housewife.

Yeah, I know, I should probably get a spray tan.

Anyways, gentlemen, take a good look

because after tonight I will be a changed man forever.

You can eat my sausage.

Can I actually eat your sausage?

*

[Doorbell]

Coming.

Hey.

Hey.

How are you doing?

I'm good, how are you?

Good.

I'm so glad we're finally gonna do this.

Are you kidding me?

I'm just happy I don't have to lie anymore.

You ready?

Oh yeah. Big time.

Surprise!!

What the fuck?!

[Cheering]

You said you wanted to come clean about who you are,

so I organized a coming out party.

Wha...?

Thank you so much everyone for coming.

Now Nick here has a very special announcement

he wants to make and it was really important to him

that all of you guys were here, so...

Nick? The floor is yours.

Come on, son.

What's the big news?

It's not really that big, dad.

Sweetheart, is this an engagement?

I mean, did you propose to this beautiful young woman

and she said yes?

No, mom. It's not that.

Well, I'm not surprised.

She's so much more attractive than you are, sweetheart.

Thanks, mom.

Just get on with it, dipshit.

Oh, you tracked down my brother Bradley.

Awesome to see you again.

Why are we here?

Come on, you can do this.

Ok.

What I-

What I wanted to-

What I wanted to tell you...

Ok?

Yeah.

I'm gay.

You're what?

I'm gay, mom.

I'm a gay.

You're not gay.

I am, I'm very-

I'm really gay.

You're not gay.

You're not gay, because we shared a bedroom together

when we were kids, and you had more porn than the internet.

Dirty porn, alright?

Girl on girl porn.

That's an exaggeration.

Explain that.

Sweetheart, why would you be watching lesbian pornography?

Support?

For who?

To gays.

That makes total sense.

That makes total sense.

We support each other.

So...

You know, sorry.

This is probably a lot to process.

It's a lot.

So why don't we let Nick grab a drink

and then he can catch up with everybody.

Sound good?

[Collective] Yeah.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Oh, thanks mom.

Gosh, I do wish you would have told me.

Yeah, sorry mom.

I could have given you some advice.

I really don't see how.

Are you a pitcher or a catcher?

What?

Don't be a prude, dear.

Sometimes I like to play catcher myself.

Mom, what the fuck are you talking about?

Language, please.

I'm just saying sometimes I like to take it in the ass too.

Jesus Christ.

You know what?

About three white wine spritzers and a bottle of lube

makes the whole thing much more pleasurable.

Ok, can you excuse me for a second?

I'm just going to go find a blender to put my face into.

Listen, son.

I just want you to know that we love you no matter what.

I know, dad.

And uh...

you're probably thinking you're all alone in this

and I just want you to know you're not.

Thanks, dad.

I mean, I know this isn't a choice.

It's genetics.

Right. Yeah.

It's probably my genetics.

What're you talking about?

Well, you remember I told you I played hockey over in Europe

for a year before you were born?

Yeah.

Well, there's a 50/50 chance

I let my right winger blow me one night.

50/50, dad?

Either you did or you didn't.

We were so wired on bumpers and coke

when we went through that eastern block,

to be honest with you

I don't know what the fuck happened over there.

But I just can't shake this feeling

that Sergei gave me a hummer.

Sergei?

Really handsome bastard, blonde hair,

big high cheekbones.

Looked like a model.

You know dad, I don't want to talk about this right now.

Maybe it wasn't a hummer.

I think we've had enough sharing.

Maybe it was a rim shot.

And we're done.

So tell me.

What is this shit?

It's the truth. I'm gay.

Oh, ok.

See? You're not gay.

What, gay people don't hit?

Oh.

What?

Oh.

Oh, so you're lying to the hot chick over there,

telling her that you're gay

just so you can hang out with her.

How the hell did you figure that out?

Oh, come on.

Just because I don't like you

doesn't mean you're not my brother.

Don't screw this up for me, you understand?

Alright, I won't. Relax.

One question: how can this possibly end well?

It just will, ok?

Yeah, ok.

I gotta say, that chick is pretty hot.

Look at that rack.

I could see how you would give a blow job or two

just to see those puppies.

Thanks for the support.

Yeah, no problem.

Hey, can I borrow some money?

No.

I'll tell.

Fuck.

Fine.

Thank you.

Asshole.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I think this went really well.

Yeah, it's super good fun.

Ugh, good.

I mean, it's been a bit weird for me...

Oh, how come?

Well, I didn't know you were friends

with that guy Zane there.

He's the one who almost gave me herpes.

Oh, yes.

Right.

It's been much more awkward for you.

Yeah.

That's ok, though.

I mean, this is about you, right?

'Cause now you're out and you can get back together

with your ex-boyfriend.

Oh yeah, right.

I didn't even think about that.

Awesome.

When do I get to meet him?

Hmm?

Like, next week or the week after maybe.

What about tomorrow?

Perfect.

Buddy, that was a great party last night.

Dink.

Yeah, I can't believe I missed it.

Where were you?

I had a Skype sex date with the wife.

Nice.

It's actually kind of fucked up 'cause you just end up

looking at yourself in that little box in the corner.

Nobody needs to see that.

Well, you missed a good one last night.

Yeah, it was great to see

your parents accepting your lifestyle.

You guys are assholes.

Why didn't you warn me?

Dude, we were told it was just a celebration.

That's right, a celebration of love.

And who can resist a celebration of love?

Yeah, well now she wants to meet me and my ex for lunch today

so I'm totally fucked.

Why don't you just get Jeffrey to pretend to be your lover?

I can't, I already tried.

He's out of town.

Well, do we know any other gay guys?

Not well enough to get them to lie for me.

Who do we know that could pass for gay?

Hot fuzz, that's deep.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

No, you look great.

Thanks.

So where is the mystery man?

Oh, he's just...

there he is.

Hi, I'm Carl.

Yeah, that's right.

From last night.

I didn't realize that you were the one.

That's right, I'm the one.

Nicholas and I have been having sexual intercourse

for years now.

Yep.

Ok, that's enough.

Prude.

That is what I keep saying to him.

Come here and give me a smooch.

No.

Come on, Nick.

Just give him a little kiss.

Just try it out.

Carl.

Carl.

Oh, that's nice.

Still a work in progress.

I'm really happy for you guys.

Hey, who's hungry?

I'm starving.

I will grab menus.

Isn't he cute, with his touching?

He likes the rough stuff.

Oh.

I beat the shit out of him all the time.

Really? Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes I just choke him out and fuck him

right in the bum.

[Pop music]

[Pop music]

What's happening?

It looks like a rally or something.

Hey, excuse me, what's going on here?

These jackasses, they're protesting gay marriage.

You know what guys, we can just walk around.

If god doesn't believe in gay marriage,

then why the hell should I?

Carl, you don't need to-

Carl?

Actually, asshole, marriage is about love.

Are you telling me that god doesn't believe in love?

Marriage is between a man and a woman.

You and your kind are messing with tradition.

Oh yeah?

What other traditions do you want to bring back?

Slavery?

Oh, that was a good one, right?

Oh hey, while we're at it, why don't we just wipe away

women's right to vote?

You're gonna go to hell

for messing with the moral fabric of this country!

Listen you sad, pathetic, hate-filled little fucker,

if these two men want to get married

then they have every right to do so.

That's right.

You're all a bunch of queers! All of you!

You know what?

We're gonna go down to city hall right now

and we're gonna get married to show you just how strong

the moral fabric in this society really is!

[Cheering]

What the fuck are you doing?

I'm making a difference, Nick.

I'm making a difference.

What?

What do you think, everyone?

Who wants to go to a wedding?

[cheering]

Nick, I am so proud of you!

We're here live outside Councilman Abel's office

in an amazing turn of events.

Two men from the protest are gonna tie the not right now

to show the world that marriage

is not about sexual orientation.

It's about love.

Alright Nick, you stay right here.

I'm gonna get the marriage commissioner.

No, Carl, wait.

I'm gonna try to get you some flowers.

Jackie, you don't have to do that.

Nick, it's your ride.

You deserve flowers.

What the fuck is he thinking?!

Hey!

You are not getting married without your best man.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

It's all over the news.

I brought you guys some suits.

Real proud of you, son.

You shouldn't be, dad.

Your bouquet, my laddie.

No, Jackie, I don't think I can-

Showtime.

Alright fellas, I got another one of these in five minutes

so let's just jump ahead to the good stuff, ok?

Don't look so nervous man, you're good.

You're in good hands.

Such a handsome couple.

Alright, now is there anybody here

who knows of any lawful impediment

as to why these two young, lovely creatures

shouldn't be together?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

Alright.

Carl, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold, in sickness and in health

as long as you both shall live?

Wait!

Carl, we can't do this.

Nick, this is bigger than us.

We can show the world how beautiful gay marriage is.

No, we can't.

Yes, we can.

Don't you believe in gay marriage?

Of course I believe in gay marriage but-

But what?

But we're not gay!

Oh, shit.

What?

I'm not gay.

Nick, you don't have to lie anymore.

Jackie, I don't want to lie to you ever again.

I'm not gay.

I've never been gay.

The truth is I'm straight and I am totally in love with you.

What?

I- I never planned a lie, it just sort of slipped out

and then I couldn't take it back and everything happened so fast,

it just got so complicated.

I don't understand.

I just wanted to get to know you, you know?

To be near you.

And yes, in many ways

it was the stupidest thing I've ever done,

but I don't regret it for a second.

You know how this whole time I've been telling you

I'm head over heels in love with the most incredible person

on the planet?

Well, it's true.

Jackie, it's you.

I've never gotten to know anyone

like I've gotten to know you.

We're perfect for each other, you can't deny that.

How could you?

Look, I know this sounds kinda crazy,

but we've got all these people here,

we've got a justice of the peace,

so I'm going to ask you for once in your life

to take a chance on love.

Jackie, will you marry me?

Oooh!

Shit!

I don't know you at all.

Jackie, wait!

Jackie!

I don't know if it's too soon,

but she really was too pretty for you.

Yeah, he's right buddy.

I mean, you're like a six,

she's more like a nine and a half.

It would be a tough life.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Listen son, that story I told you about my hockey buddy,

I just made that up.

No you didn't, dad.

No, you didn't.

Seriously?

You're not even going to come after me?

Jackie, I can explain-

You shut up, ok?

It's my turn.

I can not believe that you did this.

I hate liars, Nick.

I hate them.

So part of me wants to rip you a new asshole

for disrespecting me like that.

But part of me is kind of flattered.

I mean, usually men just want to get in my pants

and then I never hear from them again but you,

you the idiot that you are, put yourself in a position

that guaranteed you will never get in my pants

just so you could get to know me.

And I don't really know what to do with that, Nick.

You can give me a shot.

Well, I'm still kind of thinking I should kick your ass.

Jackie, you keep making reference to physical violence.

I'm just wondering if you've ever thought about seeing

a counsellor for that?

I will deal with you later, Daniel Day-Lewis.

Copy that.

Thank you for that hidden compliment.

That was nice of her.

Very.

We could be perfect together.

How am I ever supposed to trust you?

I will spend every day for the rest of my life

trying to prove that you can.

Ok.

Ok, you'll marry me?

No, you moron.

Ok you can kiss me,

and we'll take it from there.

I can kiss you?

Well, I don't know.

Can you?

[Cheering]

How was that?

Not bad for a homo.

Ooooh, now that I'm not gay

I don't think you can call me that.

It's like how only black guys can call themselves-

Ok, just shut up and kiss me again.

[Cheering]

Now those are fuck-me eyes.

Finally got that look right.

Yes, yes you did.

Now let's get out of here,

stop pretending we're friends.

*

Jackie!

Was that "My Left Foot" Daniel Day

or "There Will Be Blood" Daniel Day?

Carl, pick one.

Can you just email me later?

Nick, can you give her my email?

Huge difference.

One was more physicality and one was more voice.

They're both good options.

I'm going to ask you a favour.

[stomach growling]

[laughing]

It's America, celebration.

Here we go!

Get your shit together, literally.

It's so hot in here.

It is hot in here.

What the fuck was that?

Alrighty then.

I'm feeling frisky.

Maybe some Nair for all that fuzzy stuff.

What is that? Seriously...

I don't know.

I'm grossed out by it too, gotta be honest.

It is kinda disgusting.

Perogies are going to need a little basting.

The satchel is going to need a little one on one.

[laughs]