All language subtitles for What.An.Idiot.2014.1080p

[Rock music]

Hey guys.

Hey man, what's up?

There's your soy latte,
sorry if it's a bit cold.

You know you shouldn't
drink that shit?

Huh?

Soy.

It's too much estrogen.

I am comfortable exploring
my feminine side.

You can explore
all you want,

but if you keep drinking
that shit

you'll actually grow
a set of tits.

Especially with the amount
of hair on that chest man,

that is not a good look.

Am I right?

What?

Well, he said if Carl keeps
drinking the soy milk

he's gonna grow a set
of man cans.

Oh, yeah. Sounds good.

Sounds good?

What's up man?
What's going on?

Kathy and I broke up
last night.

What?

Sorry, man.

I thought everything
was going great?

It was.

I thought you just said you
want to explore new things,

you know, sexually.

Yeah. Sexually.

That sounded better
on paper.

Why? What does she want
you to do?

Well, I was at her place
last night, right?

And things were going great.

I kinda um...

want to do something different.

Something I've never
done before.

I am so into that.

She told me that she had
a surprise for me.

Porn?

Nope.

Anal?

Both good options,
but no.

Did she try to stick
her finger up your ass?

Why do chicks think
we like that?

You don't like that,
Mike?

You really do like to explore
your feminine side, don't you?

Yeah, I like that.
I like that, um...

I like it but it has to be very
wet, and it can't be first.

No, no.

There was no finger
up the ass.

Ok, so what?

What did she do?

What happened?

She had brought somebody home
for a threesome.

Dude, that's awesome.

That is awesome!

It definitely wasn't awesome.

Are you fucking crazy?

You're going to complain
about that to a married guy?

Look, the only time
I get a threesome

is when somebody cancels
at golf.

It wasn't as cool
as it sounds.

Oh, fuck. Did she bring home
someone ugly?

Not so much ugly,
more like someone...

with a penis.

Nick, this is Dustin.

What's up?

Hold on a second.

Are you telling me
she wanted you

to have a threesome
with another dude?

Apparently.

What did she do?

She told him to leave?

Not exactly.

Can I talk to you
for a second?

I'm not sure I'm
that comfortable

with this surprise.

She pretty much just started
having sex with him.

Did you kick the shit
out of him

and throw him out
of the apartment?

Yes, kind of.

This is fun.

Oh, that's good.

That's the spot?

Holy shit, you just stood there
and watched,

didn't you?

No, I didn't...

Dude, can you take a picture?

What?

Quick, she's coming!

I think I'm just gonna...

How the hell could she
do that to me?

No shit.

It's kind of a universal
understanding that

when a girl throws out
the threesome card

it's supposed to be
with another chick.

Not another dick.

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing
wrong you guys.

I mean, I read all these
magazines, right,

that say girls want a nice guy.

Someone who treats them well
and communicates

and shares their feelings.

Well, I'm a guy like that,
and what happens?

Your girlfriend brings home
some random dude

and fucks the shit out of
her right in front of you.

I meant it metaphorically,
but thank you for the reminder.

It's important to be honest
with yourself,

for your growth.

And also to just break
old patterns.

So what should I do?

Should I become an asshole
to get women?

Hey, Zane treats them like
that all the time,

he gets laid.

It works.

True.

Yeah, but Zane's ridiculously
good looking,

so it's not really
a fair comparison.

Thanks, Carl.

Like I say, honesty is important
for personal growth.

Ok, well, if we're
being honest,

you're pretty average
looking too,

so how do you do so well
with the ladies?

I have a huge penis.

That's true, I've seen it.

I can also make love
for hours.

I have excellent stamina.

For me, I found
it's about relaxation

and being connected
to your breath, so...

What're you doing?

When I thrust,

I don't want you
to thrust on me.

I don't want to thrust down
on anything.

When I thrust down
upon them,

I have a core breath move.

Feel it.

Stop it.

No, no. Feel it.

I feel it.

Enough!

Ok.

You know what? It doesn't even
matter because you know what?

I am officially taking
a break from dating.

Yeah, take it out
on the soy milk.

There you go,
maybe you can grow

a nice set of titties yourself.

That's actually not a bad idea.

Best night ever?

Slut.

Oh, I bet she is.

Are you tapping that shit?

None of your business.

Yeah, right.

Yeah, of course you aren't.

What do you want, Kyle?

Banged a 21 year old
last night.

Really? Aren't you, like, 40?

Yep.

Wow, that's pretty rape-y
of you.

I know, right?

Wasn't a compliment.

Listen, corporate is sending
over some rug-muncher

to do some office assessment
or some shit,

so if you could get me
the Thorpe account ASAP--

I thought you were supposed
to do that.

Just do it.

Mindy, hey!

Wow.

Look at you, huh?

Are you on a diet?

Um, no.

No shit, fatty.

You're a dick, man.

True, but I'm also the dick
who's getting laid all the time

and you're the dick
sitting at his computer

jerking off over some chick
on your laptop.

She's not just some chick.

She's my ex-girlfriend.

Even more pathetic.

Is it?

Just get me that account.

Asshole.

Wow, he is so sexy.

Unbelievable.

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Hey man, you feeling better?

No, worse. Much worse.

What happened?

This guy at work is a total
tea bag

and women are throwing
themselves at him.

Well, maybe he's a nice guy
on the inside.

Nope, he's an asshole
inside and out,

and chicks love the guy.

You know what?

As a species, I cannot
figure them out,

and you know what?

I am done trying.

Come on, buddy.

This is stupid.

No, it's not.

In fact, this is the smartest
decision I have ever made.

I am officially 100 percent done
with women.

Stop what you're doing.

Listen up, people.

This is Jackie Stephens.

She's been sent from the
head office to help us out.

[Slow funk music]

[Slow funk music]

Impressive.

She's talking to you,
anal wart.

Pardon?

I said "impressive".

Oh!

Sorry, did I-

Don't touch.

No wonder your numbers
are down.

That was... epic.

Um, Jackie, listen...

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Nick, Carl told me
you're a chick-quitter.

Bullshit, we are going
out tonight.

Sounds good.

What?

Yeah, I said I'm in.

Really?

Are you sure?
I thought-

Yep, I'll see you tonight.

Mindy? You're up first.

Cow nuts, you're next.

So, Mindy.

What exactly do you do here?

Uh, I'm the receptionist.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

But what exactly
do you do?

I answer the phones.

And how much
do you make?

39,000 a year.

Are you aware that I could get
an automated system

to answer the phones
for $39 a month?

I didn't know that.

Do you have any idea how much
that would save this company

over a year?

No.

Well, Mindy, I suggest
you figure that out.

And when you and I meet again
in two weeks,

I expect you to tell me
why I shouldn't replace you

with a computer.

I need this job!

Dismissed.

Oh, and Mindy?

Yeah?

You have egg on your face.

Oh, you think I should
be embarrassed?

No, you literally have
a massive piece

of scrambled egg on your face.

It's kind of disgusting.

Oh.

Next.

Hey! How was it?

Brutal.

She's a monster!

Does she smell good?

She looks like
she smells good.

Hi, uh, sorry.

I just wanted to apologize
about before with the coffee.

Sit.

Right.

No, I just wanted to make
sure you didn't get any

on your uh... wow.

What exactly do you do here?

Um...

I'm the accounts manager.

Well, it's my understanding
that accounts are down

by 12 percent.

Does it smell like roses
in here?

I can smell roses.

Can you tell me your strategy
for compensating

for down-turning corporate
accounts by 12 percent?

Uh..duh..I...

Excuse me?

[Pig Latin]

Is that Pig Latin?

Esyay.

Look, Mr. Roberts.

This is no joking matter,
alright?

So if you don't have
an explanation

in the next two weeks

as to the value you bring
to this operation,

I can assure you it will be
your last two weeks.

[Pig Latin]

We're done.

Real smooth, buddy.

You give me two weeks,

and I'll be bumping her ugly
in your cubicle.

Shut up, Kyle.

Exsay on the eskday
in the assay.

I'm kind of romantic
like that.

Asshole.

It doesn't sound like
there's a problem.

Carl, you don't understand,
alright?

It's the worst thing that could
possibly happen.

She's smart, sexy,
and a total ball-buster.

Plus, she smells good.

I mean, she's like nobody
I've ever met before.

She sounds amazing.

She sounds like trouble.

Yeah, agreed.

It's got disaster
written all over it.

Why?

Because, man.

Chicks like that don't go
for guys like me.

I mean, she's like
Ivanka Trump,

and I'm like Jim
from The Office.

Actually, you're not
quite as funny as Jim.

I know.

Jim's like six foot five.

You're like, what, at tops,
six feet?

Look, the point is a woman like
that is impossible to score.

You're probably right.

Plus, she's been brought in
to re-structure the company

so not only am I never going
to see her naked,

but she's probably going
to get me fired.

That sucks.

If I can't get a girlfriend
now,

how the hell am I gonna get one
without a job?

Ok, woah, woah, woah, woah.

Hold your horsetails there,
pony boy.

Ok?

Trust this kid.

There's no woman
you cannot score.

Alright?

He's right, ok?

You can do anything you
put your mind to.

It's like I tell my little
girl all the time.

And if she can turn a fart
into a butterfly,

you can certainly convince
some hot chick

to have some sex with you.

Exactly.

I mean, come on.

Have you even spoken
to her yet?

Uh, yeah.

It wasn't pretty.

Oh, fuck me. You didn't.

I did.

Tell me you didn't speak
Pig Latin to her.

I thought you went to therapy
for that.

I had a relapse.

You know what?

Forget about her, man.

We're in a nightclub surrounded
by hot fuckin' chicks.

Let's get out on the dance floor
and slay some tang.

Let's go, come on!

Slay the tang!

Slay the tang!

[Dance music]
***

Not exactly dominating
the dance floor.

You guys aren't exactly helping
with the dad plaid.

Give it a sec, you know.

What about her?

Yeah, she's kinda cute
I guess.

Fuck dude, you'd be lucky
to tap that.

Yeah man, I know, I know.

I just...

that's what I'm trying
to tell you guys.

Jackie has ruined all other
women for me.

Bullshit, don't be a quitter.

Come on, we'll pick the hottest
chick in the club alright,

and we'll go from there.

Alright, alright.

Uh...

her.

What about her?

Oh, come on.

She is smokin'.

Honestly, guys.

Give it up, it's
never gonna happen.

Let's just...

let's just call it a night.

Wait.

What about that one?

Holy shit, that's her!

That's Jackie!

Fuck me, she is way
out of your league.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I've been telling
you assholes.

Alright, just calm down,
you can do this, ok?

She's out there wearing that,
she wants somebody to talk to.

What do I say?

You don't say anything
at all,

you just walk up there

and you start dancing
and you just hit her

with the fuck-me eyes.

Hit her with the fuck-me
eyes, ok.

Alright, so like this?

A little of this?

No, dude.

Not like that at all.

You look like a pedophile.

Really?

Yeah.

Really? Huh.

Ok, so what, more like this?

No, what's that weird thing
you're doing with your face?

You've got a double chin.

What thing?

That, the expression
you're doing right now.

That's what he looks like.

Really?

When did his face get
so puffy like that?

After the divorce.

No, no, you know what?

He actually never bounced back
from the honeymoon.

Mmm.

Was that place all-inclusive?

Not helping.

Ok, you know what?

You look great, forget it,
fuck it,

go out there and just go.

Alright, alright.

Fuck-me eyes!

Fuck-me eyes!

*

Hey!

*

Fuck!

*

Shit!

I knew that looked too easy!

Where the fuck did that guy
come from?

I don't know, but he looks like
he just stepped out of

an Abercrombie and Fitch ad.

How the hell can I compete
with that?

Honestly, without plastic
surgery and a personal trainer,

I don't think you can.

Holy shit guys, wait!

Flag on the play.

Dude.

I think you're fine.

What do you mean?

Well, unless you have a sudden
urge to have a penis inside you

I don't think this guy's
competition at all.

He's gay.

What?

Oh yeah, man.

This is your lucky day!

I bet she only hangs out
with gay guys.

He thinks you're cute.

Where do you come up
with this stuff?

How do you know that from
watching her dance with one guy?

Because I'm a single dude
in his '30's

that has learned the size of
his opponents.

A girl like that has got all
these walls built up and shit,

but deep down they're
looking for a connection,

which is why it'd be perfect
for Nicky.

You have no idea what
you're talking about.

Dude, just keep your eye on
her in the next couple of weeks,

and you just tell me
what you see.

Report back to me.

Alright, I'll watch her.

Anybody got bloat stips?

Bloat stips?

Yeah, I got a rumble in
my tummy, too much gluten.

I'm heading out for lunch.

Hold my calls.

I'm hungry too, so...

[Acoustic music]

[Acoustic music]

Hey there, handsome.

You look fantastic.

Fuck.

Tell me what's going on.

Yeah? It's all good?

Hi!

You guys are such
a cute couple.

Sweet.

[Phone rings]

It's Nicky.

Hey, Nick.

You were right.

I know.

About what?

She only hangs out
with gay dudes.

Awesome.

So what does that mean
for me?

It means that she wants
a relationship

but she's just scared.

Hey, she might actually go

for a really nice guy
like you, dude.

Seriously?

Yeah, dude.

A girl like that just wants
a good guy.

No tricks, no silly
pick-up lines.

Just march into her office

and tell her you think she's
great and ask her on a date.

Exactly, man.

Just be yourself.

Go for this one, buddy.

I've got a good feeling.

Yeah, man.

You can do this.

Ok, ok. I'll do it.

I am going to do it.

I got this.

*

*

*

Hey, Jackie.

You got a second?

Uh, actually I'm kind of in
the middle of something.

Listen, um, I know we didn't
really get off to a good start,

but I just wanted to tell you
that I think you're great,

and I wanted to know if you'd
like to grab a drink sometime.

Are you asking me out?

Yes, I am.

What kind of a moron
are you?

Excuse me?

How dare you disrespect me
like that at work?

I didn't mean to disrespect you,

that's not what I was intending.

I'm your boss.

I'm about to fire you

so you thought it'd be a good
idea to ask me on a date?

No!

Gosh, no-

I would never ask
you out on a date.

That's-

You just did.

No.

Hey, I got an idea, I'm tits-ass
useless at my job.

Why don't I try to nail
my new boss?

I would never want to nail you,
you're mistaken.

Oh really?

Now I'm not good enough
for you?

You don't want to have sex
with me?

It's not that.

I'm sorry, what is it about me
that makes you

not want to have sex with me?

I'm gay!

You're... what?

I'm...

gay.

You're gay?

Shhh!

Nobody in the office knows.

Can you just...

keep your voice down?

Seriously? You're
still in the closet?

What decade is this?

I know it's kinda weird,

it's just that I came
into it later in life,

very recently, so...

just work with me
a bit here.

So you weren't asking me
out on a date?

No.

On a date?

Absolutely not.

I... I just meant that
you seem cool

and we didn't gel right away

so I just wanted to know
if you wanted to,

I don't know, grab a drink
and hang out.

You're gay?

Oh yeah.

Big time.

[laughs]

Oh, god.

I'm so sorry with the grrr!

I just, I've just found that
when pathetic losers hit on me,

the best tactic is to scare
the shit out of them.

Yeah, that makes...

that sounds right.

Let me make it up to you,
ok?

I would actually love
to hang out with you,

so why don't you come over to my
place tonight for some drinks?

Really?

Yeah, that'd be great.

I'll email you the address.

Ok.

Sorry about that.

Yeah, no, that was...

I mean, clearly you and I
would never work, right?

Absolutely.

On what planet would this
ever... right, ok.

Good!

See you later then.

See you tonight. Ok.

Wow.

Boom!

Guess who's going to Jackie's
place for drinks tonight?

Fuck off.

You did it?

Yep.

That is amazing.

So what happened?

You went in like a total stud
and asked her out?

Yes.

Well, not exactly.

I uh... I went in there
and I told her I was gay.

Wait, sorry, what?

I told her I was gay.

Are you?

No, fuck, of course not.

Then what the fuck?

It was...

it was a poor choice of words,
alright?

But I panicked because when
I asked her for a drink

she totally freaked out
and started yelling at me,

so I sorta, like,
blurted it out.

So why are you in such
a good mood?

Because it totally worked,
man.

Yesterday she had no idea
who I was

and now I'm going to her place
for cocktails.

No, no.

Look, I know I've been
out of the dating game
for a while here,

but this cannot be
a good tactic.

It's not, it's the stupidest
thing I've ever heard.

Yeah.

I agree, you're starting a
relationship out based on a lie.

Who cares about a lie?

Lying is mandatory when
it comes to women,

but you lie about being rich
or having a massive hammer.

You lie to get laid, not
to guarantee it'll never happen.

Yeah, you should have
just stayed married

if you never wanted
to have sex again.

Ok, look. I admit this plan
has some flaws,

but at least it's progress,
right?

I mean, I'll get to know
her a bit

and then I'll tell her the truth

and she'll just laugh and
she'll think it's funny.

You're an idiot.

Yeah, he's right.

You're an idiot.

I can't even look at you
right now.

You're right,
I'm totally fucked.

I am totally fucked!

Call Jeffrey.

Jeffrey, I need to ask
a favour.

I need you to make me gay.

You want me to cornhole you?

What? What does that even mean?

You want me to have sex
with you?

No! God no.

I just need you to help me
convince someone else I'm gay.

Oh, well that shouldn't
be too hard.

Ok, what do I do?

Do I, like, talk like this?

Oh my god! It's fabulous!

I didn't know you were
a homophobic moron.

I'm not homophobic.

Then don't fucking
do that!

We don't all fall
into stereotypes.

I didn't mean...

Just act like yourself.

Ok.

You're plenty gay,
don't worry.

Really? You think I
can pass for gay?

Honey, you barely pass
for straight.

Outstanding.

[Knocks on the door]

It's open!

I'll be right out.

Take your time, it's cool.

[Soft acoustic music]
*

[Soft acoustic music]
*

Oh, hey!

Hey!

You found it!

Yeah.

Great.

This place is uh...

it's beautiful.

Except, what's
with all the mess?

Yeah, I'm kind of
a slob.

Kind of a slob?

I lived in a frat house that was
never this... disgusting.

You lived in a frat house?

That must have been
like heaven for you.

What do you mean?

All those cute boys running
around with their shirts off?

How did you contain yourself?

Oh, yeah, alcohol.

Lots of alcohol.

Speaking of which,
can I get you a drink?

Sure, that'd be great.

Uh, vodka soda?

Just a beer if you have any.

Beer? Wow, you are
full of surprises.

What're you talking about?

Most of my gay buddies are
so worried about their looks,

they never drink beer.

Did you just call me fat?

No, I just mean that-

Pretty sure you just
called me fat.

Or ugly.

Or both.

Oh, shut up.

One, two combo thing.

You're funny.

Thanks.

Nope.

Hurt your hands?

It's hard to get open.

Woah.

[laughs]

So uh... what do you want
to do?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Maybe.

Let's get shitfaced!

Yeah!

Cheers!!!!

[Rock music]

[Rock music]

[Rock music]

[Rock music]

I cannot believe I didn't see it
right away.

What?

That you're gay.

I mean, you may drink beer,
but still.

It's pretty obvious.

Totally.

What's so obvious?

Well, the hair, for starters.

I mean, what straight man
in his 30's

is still rockin' highlights?

You know what, it's funny,
my ex talked me into those...

And the spray tan is a tell tale
sign of a man

who loves to give blow jobs.

For the record, I'm really
more of a receiver than a giver

when it comes to blow jobs.

Oh, really?

I love to give them.

That's awesome, for, you
know, your boyfriend or...

whoever you give them to...

Oh, no.

No boyfriend right now.

I'm sort of in an "all men
are assholes" phase, you know?

What about you?

Are you seeing anyone?

No, actually I just broke up
with somebody.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's not that bad.

It turns out they were
a horrible person,

so I dodged a bullet
on that one.

[Phone rings]

Ugh.

Speaking of assholes,

that jackass Kyle from
the office keeps calling me.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear
you think he's a jackass.

Ugh, he's the worst!

He's one of those totally
good-looking guys

who acts all charming

and then the minute
you open your legs

for him he turns
into a total dick.

He is a dick.

He's a big, massive dick.

I've been saying
that for years.

Besides, who would sleep
with someone from work?

I mean, it's like the most
rookie move in the book.

Yeah, that's dumb.

I'm so kidding.

I had crazy, meaningless sex

with everyone from
my last office.

You did?

Oh yeah.

And if they didn't want
to fuck me,

I just threatened to fire them.

Wow.

Yeah.

Sexual harassment is
so underrated.

Not a phrase you hear every day.

I'm kidding.

You thought I was serious?

Oh my god, you just
looked at me

like I was the biggest slut
in the world!

To be fair you do have
this natural ability

to make these things not seem
like a big stretch.

So you actually think
that Kyle is good-looking?

You're not into him?

Not so much.

You won't go down on him?

Absolutely not, but-

Would you let him go
down on you?

Hmm...

I'm gonna have to go
with no on that.

Really?

He's like a beaver.

Have you noticed that?

He's like:

"Hi, how's it going? I'm Kyle!

I'm gonna cut your dick off!"

Trust me. I wouldn't
go there.

You know, you're really...

I don't know.

You're a lot nicer than
you act at work.

And you are a lot gayer
than you act at work.

Well, I won't tell them
your secret

if you won't tell them mine.

Deal.

Deal.

Ok, see?

That's the problem, right?

If we don't do this,
the piggies don't play.

And if the piggies don't play,
what happens?

This one's for you.

Ok, you see that?

That's the big dogs eat,
the little dogs go home.

Kyle!

What? Fuck me!

Hi!

Hi, didn't know it was you,
sorry.

Mmmhmm.

So I've been going over
the Thorpe account.

I had nothing to do with that,
that was all Nick.

You sure?

Yeah.

Because the projections and
the analysis on that account

are unlike anything I've ever
seen from this office.

I know, and I have to apologize
for his incompetence,

I'm sorry.

Actually, it's brilliant.

So I'd like you to go in your
office and study Nick's work.

And once you understand
the principles,

I'd like you to apply them
to all other accounts

within the firm.

Jackie, that'll take,
like, a month.

Well, you better get started.

Why don't we get Nick
to do it?

See, Nick already knows
how it works.

Which is why I'm going to take
him out of the office

and get him to speak
with the clients personally.

Sweetie, no offense but I take
care of the clients personally.

Well, not anymore.

Nick, let's go.

We have lots of work to do.

Have fun, fuzz nuts.

Wow.

She just ripped your dick off
and made you suck it.

You know, I am going to pretend
I didn't hear that.

So are we actually going
to meet with clients now, or...?

Hell no, I'm thinking
a bottle of white

and an afternoon movie?

For real?

Yeah.

Man, you should have started
working here like a long,

long time ago.

Ok, here you go.

Woah.

You are a horrible influence.

What are you talking about?

Uh, we're playing hooky from
work and drinking before noon.

Hooky from work?

I started at five am
this morning.

Besides, I've already
figured out how

I'm going to re-structure
the company.

Oh yeah?

Am I gonna get fired?

Maybe.

I'm kidding!

Aaah.

Really funny.

Loosen up, holy.

Give me your feet.

I'll give you a rub.

Seriously?

Hey buddy, this is
a one-time offer,

so don't screw it up by asking
too many questions.

Alright, ok.

I'll take a massage.

What are you doing?

I don't really touch feet.

If you want to get something
in this world

you gotta give something.

Oh, ok.

I see how this works.

You lied to me.

You are so not gay!

I am!

I'm all about male on male
intercourse, that's what I-

I live for it.

No, no.

No, no.

These feet are repulsive.

No self-respecting gay man
should ever be this ungroomed.

My feet are perfect.

No, these feet suck.

Yours aren't even human,
they're like hobbit feet.

This one's Frodo and that one,
that's Bilbo.

My feet are adorable.

This one farted.

What is with this? The hair?

You ever heard of a razor?

Do you have some rope

or something I could possibly
hang myself with?

Oh, that's the most revolting
thing ever.

You know what?

I'm taking us for pedicures.

How is the rest of you
so attractive?

And those bunions... wow.

*

*

Ok, I've gotta admit.

This is awesome.

Very Sex and the City of us.

Just a couple of girls
hangin' out.

Woah, woah.

I'm not a girl, alright?

Excuse me, do you have like
a clear polish for that?

You definitely look like
the wikipedia entry

for a man right now.

Hey, don't make me fuck you,
alright?

I will.

Like you could
even get it up.

Oh, I've been
with women before.

Really?

Oh yeah, I was even married
to one.

Alright.

How many women
have you been with?

I don't know,
like nine or ten.

Wow, that must have been awful
for them.

Thank you, that's a really
sweet thing to say.

It just made me feel good
about myself.

I just mean-

I'm warm and fuzzy now.

No, I just mean you're
probably having sex with them

thinking about their
brothers or their dads.

You know, pounding away
on them,

dreaming about some man
with a mustache.

Is that your creepy fantasy?

Old dudes with mustaches?

No.

Maybe that's why you're
still single.

Nope, I'm still single
because I gave some guy my heart

and he turned me
into a joke, so...

Maybe you should have sex
with his dad to get back at him.

Already tried that.

Ooh, slut!

Sometimes.

Why are you still single?

I don't know, I guess

I'm waiting to meet
the right person.

Maybe the wait's over.

Let's go out tomorrow night.

Have some fun.

Ok.

Wear something sexy, ok?

Done.

I always wear
something sexy.

Not today, my friend.

Not today, but most times.

*

It's been amazing,
we totally connect.

Like brother and sister?

No, man.

We've been flirting like crazy,
we have mad chemistry.

It's cause she thinks you have
a vagina.

Who doesn't love vaginas?

Gay dudes.

I told her I'd been
with a woman before,

and she asked me out.

She told me to dress sexy.

So what're you gonna wear?

This.

Absolutely not.

So what the hell am I supposed
to wear?

Not that.

I think your right ball is
bigger than your left one.

I feel like you're a gay
Bono.

Ow.

Fuck this.

Fuck it.

That's the one.

Perfect.

That looks like a guy who's
gonna get laid tonight.

Awesome.

[Dance music]

[Dance music]

You look amazing.

Thanks, so do you.

You are so getting
laid tonight.

Are you up for a one-night
stand?

Ok.

Nick, this is Caleb.

Caleb, this is Nick, the guy
I was telling you about.

Nice to meet you.

You are so getting laid tonight.

I'm going to leave you guys
alone and grab some drinks, ok?

You know what?

I'm not thirsty.

I'm totally-

Woooo!

So Jackie tells me you like
sports and beer and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

I guess that's why she thought
we'd be a good match, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah.

Oh hey!

Do you like UFC?

Yeah man, sure.

Yeah!

It's great, right?

I mean, two guys locked
in a cage,

dominating each other.

We should wrestle some time.

You know what?

I kinda have a bad back,
so...

Jackie tells me you're still
in the closet at work.

Yep, yep.

The pigs don't know, huh?

No, they don't.

Yeah, I knew that.

What do you mean?

Come on, man. It's obvious.

You've got a lifetime of
sexual repression just built up,

ready to explode.

We definitely should
wrestle sometime.

Hey, guys.

For you.

There you go, handsome.

Let's go dance.

Hey, it's too loud in here.

Let's go back to my place
for some drinks.

Sounds good.

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Let's play "I never"!

Yeah!

What's that?

It is a drinking game.

Somebody starts a sentence
with "I never"

and then if anyone has done
what that person says,

they take a shot.

It's super simple, ok?
I'll start.

Um... ok.

I have never cheated
on anyone.

Shocking.

So if you've ever cheated
on anyone,

you gotta take a drink.

I'll pour it down your mouth.

Yeah, I understand how
the game works.

Lies!

Ok.

You're so good! I love you!

Ok.

I have never masturbated
to Brad Pitt.

Who hasn't?

What are you,
a monk?

Come on, even monks masturbate
to Brad Pitt.

He's not my type, so...

What do you mean,
he's not your type?

I don't know.

I'm talking Fight Club.

Even in Fight Club, nah.

Not my type.

Really?

Well, we all know
that I'm not your type.

Let me do one.

Uh... I know.

I've never told like
a small lie

to get someone to sleep
with me.

Oh! We definitely need
more booze.

Interesting.

What about you?

You don't see me drinking,
do you?

Ok, listen up!

I have never slept
with a woman.

Seriously?

College.

You're disgusting,
the both of you!

Especially you.

Ok, I have never...

Come on, come on!

I've never had my heart broken!

Really?

Ugh.

Fuck me, I'm sobering up here.

Can we do an easy one?

I have never had
a one night stand.

That's my little slut.

That's my little slut!

Oooooh!

No, he did not!

He did not!

Oh, I love this guy!

I love this guy!

Right? Right?

I love this guy!!!!!

Super fun, but I'm getting
pretty drunk so I'm gonna...

that was probably
my limit.

I'm gonna call it a night
now, so...

No!

Just stay, just one more,
please stay and do one more.

One more.

Have one more.

Ok, one more.

But I gotta go pee.

Oh, my God, he's so beautiful!!!

What the fuck are you doing?

You need to get out
of this house.

You guys, I'm pretty hammered.

I think I'm just gonna call it
a night.

Guys?

Jackie?

Have fun, Nick.

What?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm gonna fuck the shit out
of you.

Beg your pardon?

I am gonna fuck the shit
out of you.

No, thank you.

What, you're not gonna say
no to this are you?

What the hell is that thing?

He calls himself
"the weapon".

Oh, god. Put him away!

Get rid of him!

And he wants to do something
about that wrestling match

you guys were talking about.

I don't believe in violence.

Oh, I am going to fuck the
Christian conservative ass

right off of you!

You know, I'm not really looking
for a relationship right now!

You've been giving me
those fuck-me eyes all night!

I need clarity on
what that look is.

Uh-oh.

What?

Weapon's loaded.

Oh, god, put it away!

Can't tell it shit, man!

Down you go, down you go!

Oh my god, I'm sorry.

Fuck me I love this rap stuff!

Aaaaah!

Yeah!

Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going?

Hey, come on.

Ok, look, I'm gonna count
to three.

Don't be an asshole.

I shaved my sack for this!

This is stupid right now,

open the door and
we're facing each other.

Come on!

I want to be in you!

This isn't over until I-

[Car horn beeps]

It turns out I'm a cock tease.

That sounds horrible.

That sounds hilarious.

I may need to re-think
this course of action.

Ok, pros and cons
of you being gay.

Well, the pro is that I get
to hang out with Jackie.

She's incredible.

Cons.

Well, at the end of the day
I don't get to make love to her.

And you got your ass kicked.

True.

And you nearly got date raped
by the gay John Holmes.

Both valid points, but
I think it's worth it.

Dude, are you fucking nuts?

You barely escaped last
night with your anal virginity

still intact.

Yeah, at least when
I don't get laid,

no one's trying to ram
a foot long into my ass.

Mike, stop making
all those jokes.

We know you have so much
sex, so much sex,

your penis probably stings,

you have insurance
for the skin on it.

Your wife is happy, so just
give it a rest.

You're right, ok?

I just didn't want to make
my buddy here feel like a loser

for giving up his gay cherry
just to hold hands

with some chick.

I am still a gay virgin.

Just.

And next time you
won't be so lucky.

I'm sure she got it out
of her system.

Trust me, Jackie will
never set me up ever again.

Ever.

Steve is a dog trainer.

Whisperer, Jackie.

Dog whisperer.

He's an artist.

You have a dark soul.

I thought you said he was
going to be good-looking.

Thor.

Oh, right.

'Cause you look like him.

No, no.

Hammer.

I'm gonna need batteries.

Right.

It won't operate by itself.

I must paint you.

Sounds fun.

He's like Zach from
Saved by the Bell.

That's not bad, though.

No, Zach on the bod
but Screech on the face.

Enough.

Would you stop trying to set
me up with people?

Those guys were all hot.

I'm not saying that
they weren't attractive.

Well, good.

'Cause they're better looking
than you.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Hey, if you see anything
on the floor there,

I think it's just
my self-esteem.

It popped right out of me.

Ok, come on.

All I'm saying is they
were all a-list, ok?

So what is the problem?

I have feelings for
someone else, alright?

Who?

Just this amazing,
gorgeous, hilarious person

that I'm totally
in love with.

So why aren't you together?

It's complicated.

He's not gay,
is he?

It's not that, it's just...

he's my ex, alright?

And he won't be with me
while I'm still in the closet,

but I'm hoping
we'll get back together

so please stop setting me up
with people.

If you're not going to date him
right now,

then why don't you have a
little fun with these guys?

You know, have some sex without
the emotional connection.

If I'm going to have sex
without the emotion

I might as well be doing it
by myself.

Oh, god.

I only have emotionless sex.

Seriously?

How come?

Well, I love sex,
hate the heartbreak.

Kinda the perfect solution.

Oh yeah?

I think you're just scared.

I would love to be in
some deeply connected

emotionally powerfully
sexual relationship,

but that is just not a reality.

I call bullshit, I think you can
totally have that,

you just need to be open to
the possibility of it first.

Fine.

Let's just agree that we are
both emotionally damaged

and we can take comfort in
our non-sexual companionship.

Fine.

He keeps asking about you.

Who?

Caleb.

The psycho?

[laughs]

What? What?

He said he wants to fuck
your face.

Oh, that's delightful.

You think that's funny?

I think it's romantic.

You are a sick,
deranged woman.

I'll take that as a compliment,
Nicholas.

So I don't get it.

How come out here
you're nice and fun

but at work you're
like ice cold?

That's not true.

Are you kidding?

At the office you are an evil,
horrible person.

No, I'm not.

Really?

Tell that to Barry.

Barry, question.

Were you dropped on your head
as a child?

I beg your pardon?

Forced to eat paint chips?

I don't think so.

Then where the hell is
the Anderson report?

I emailed it to you.

Yes, and I asked you
for a hard copy.

Where is the hard copy?

I wanted to be green,
you know?

Save the planet.

Save the planet on your own
time, hippy.

But when you're at work,
you do as I tell you.

You understand?

Get me a goddamn hard copy
of that report.

Recycle that.

Look, if you're an attractive
woman in a power position

and you show any sign
of weakness,

people use it against you.

Are we saying you're attractive?

Kidding.

You could lead by
inspiring people,

not by intimidating them.

You calling me a phony?

Big time.

So are you.

Yes, I am.

Ok. Maybe that's why we get
along so well.

You pretend to be a badass
but deep down you're a pussy?

And you pretend to be straight
but deep down you love the cock.

I wouldn't phrase it that way.

I love the cock,
too.

Stop saying that.

Cock, cock, cock.

Man, you are squeamish.

Please, stop.

Ok, cool.

We don't need to talk
about cocks.

Why don't we talk about balls,
the way they bounce-

Can you shut the fuck up?

Sorry, didn't realize
a little cock talk

would get you so upset.

No, it's not that,
it's just that that's my ex

walking towards us.

Really? Where?

I don't see him.

It's not a him, it's a her.

And she doesn't know I'm-

Nicky, is that you?

Please don't say anything.

Oh, it is you.

Why didn't you say hi?

Oh, hey, Grace.

Sorry, I didn't...

I didn't see you there.

How's it going?

I got engaged.

Wow. Congratulations.

To who?

Derek.

The guy you cheated on me with,
that's awesome.

What took so long.

Waiting until the divorce
was finalized,

his wife had to pay alimony...

Sure.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Who's your friend?

Hmm?

Oh, sorry, this is Jackie.

Hi.

Is she your girlfriend?

No.

Yes!

Well, is she or isn't she?

I'm sorry, we hadn't
officially used that word yet,

but the sex has just been
so great that I figured I was.

Really?

Yeah, we've just been in the
bedroom banging the last month

so we haven't really had time
to talk about our relationship,

if you know what I mean.

Right Nick?

Nicky?

Yeah.

Come here.

Ok, I'm right here.

Sorry Grace,
when did you say...

when's the wedding?

It's in September.

I need you inside me
right fucking now.

Ok, we were talking.

Get that dick inside me.

Feel that drum beat?

My vagina is throbbing.

That's probably my cue,
Grace.

But, good to see you.

Give me a call sometime.

[Laughing]

That was, like, the greatest
moment of my life.

Did you see the look
on her face?

I thought she was having
a mini-stroke.

Oh, no, no, that's
just what she looks like.

She's got a fart face.

A what?

You know those people
who are always scowling

and look like a fart smell is
right in front of their nose?

She totally looks like that.

Why the hell did you marry
a fart face?

I have no idea,
I'm not a smart man.

You know, you really surprised
me with that kiss there.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you started the kiss
and I was just like...

No, no.

I just mean I didn't expect you
to be such a good kisser.

You got me all fired up.

Really?

Yeah.

Now I have to find
some random guy

to have emotionless sex with.

Oh, that's fun for you.

Super fun.

I am a man in love.

No, you are a fucking idiot.

That's a bit harsh.

It's not, though.

Zane's right, you really are
a fucking idiot.

Didn't you hear what I said?

We kissed.

Under false pretenses.

Yeah, but she said I was
an excellent kisser.

Yeah, and then she said
she was gonna go out

and bang a random.

She's probably on that dine
and dash website

ordering take-out right now.

What's that?

Not a site for ordering food.

She wouldn't do that.

What kind of person
would do that?

Don't be judgmental.

Look, the point is we're perfect
for each other.

We connect n every level.

No, the point is you've gone
Joaquin Phoenix on us

and created this weird alter-ego

and that's who she
connects with.

She doesn't even know
that heterosexual Nick exists.

Yes she does, she knows that
I used to be married to a woman.

Right, and she likes you
because you hated it.

She feels comfortable
around you

because you're not
a sexual predator.

Exactly.

It's like when I walk around
holding my daughter's hand.

Every hot chick in the city
is smiling at me

like I'm a castrated grandpa.

She doesn't look at me
like that, alright?

There was tongue.

When we kissed
there was tongue.

She was trying to
make it convincing.

She feels sorry for you.

She can't imagine how hard it
must be

to be a repressed gay man

in a relationship
with a fart faced,

gold-digging, two-timing whore.

Yes!

Look, she trusts me, alright?

She's not afraid to be
herself around me.

Ok, that's because

she thinks you like her for
her personality.

The truth is you're just
a sex-crazed asshole

like the rest of us but you're
not man enough to admit it.

Guys, I love her.

Alright?

I'm... I'm in love with her.

Then you've gotta come clean
right now.

Maybe you're right.

You gotta put it all
on the table

and you gotta tell her
the truth.

You think that'll work?

How could it not?

The plan's been flawless
so far.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna tell her.

Yeah!

Good.

I'm doing it.

Good, go do it.

Go get it!

Wish me luck.

Say words, Nick.

I'm gonna do this.

Alright, man.

Do it!

He's doing it.

I would say he'd be
doing it.

This is awesome.

This is stupid.

It's a bit of both.

Should I rack 'em up?

Jackie?

I'll be right out.

Ok, you can do this,
you can do this.

Get it together, man.

Nick. I need you to be honest
with me.

That is exactly why
I came here.

How do they look?

Fucking fantastic.

Are you sure?

'Cause I feel like gravity's
really been working against me

the last couple of years.

No, I don't think that at all.

Don't just be nice,
be honest.

Here, have a feel.

[Hallelujah music]

Stop being so disgusted.

Gay guys love boobs.

Ok, they're definitely circles.

I have a date tonight,
so I need your help.

You have a date tonight?

Yeah, so I need to know:

should I have sex with the bra
off, like that...

Like that?

Yeah.

Or should I put a bra on?

So more like this.

Like that?

Yeah.

Just lift.

I think they'd be good
either way.

You are no use.

I'm sorry, I just...

I... wasn't expecting...

you... what?

Who?

You have a date tonight?

Who's the lucky guy?

Oh.

Kyle.

Kyle?

Yeah.

What?

I thought you said you'd never
sleep with him.

Well, I know.

But the truth is I haven't
had sex

since I went to Cabo
last Christmas,

and I was so wasted that I don't
remember any of it, so...

Look, Jackie, you can't
have sex with Kyle.

He's a total jackass.

Emotionless sex, remember?

Kyle has zero emotions,
so it'll be perfect.

I just think you can do
way better.

Well, hah...

oh, do you know
a good restaurant?

He wants me to pick.

He wants you to pick?

Yep.

Of course he does.

Come on, anywhere?

Yeah, you should go to Zane's,
on 3rd Street.

Ok, cool.

I gotta go get ready.

Great.

Kyle.

Service.

Hey Tracey, you want
to eat my nuts?

They're freshly chopped.

Hey!

Hey!

Woah, hey Nick,
what are you doing here?

I'm totally fucked, man.

Dude, you finally told her
the truth?

No, I didn't have a chance.

She's on a date.

And she's not just banging
some random,

she's about to have sex
with my nemesis.

Who?

That Derek dude that your
wife cheated on you with?

No!

The guy your ex-girlfriend
brought home

and had sex with right
in front of you?

No.

How many nemesis's
do you have?

Wait, nemesis's?

Is that plural?

Guys, shut up!

Alright, she's about to have
sex with my boss Kyle,

it's the worst thing that could
possibly happen.

So if she had sex
with a nice, friendly guy

that'd be totally fine?

You know what I mean.

Guys, I just got your text.

What the hell's going on?

Jackie's about to have sex
with Nick's nemesis's.

Nemesis, Carl.

Nemesis.

Ok, so what're we supposed
to do about it?

Well, I told her to bring him
here so we could sabotage it.

How the hell are we gonna
do that?

I don't know, I haven't thought
that part through.

Are they even here yet?

Yeah, that's them
right there.

Holy shit, that guy does
look like a dick.

He is.

So what should we do?

I got it.

Tracey, Tracey, come here
for a sec.

'Sup?

You're an actress, right?

Yeah, I was on a show
last week.

That's cool, they didn't give
you any lines, did they?

No.

Well, I have a speaking role
for ya.

You see that guy right there?

Yeah, what about him?

I want you to walk up to the
girl he's with and say the line

"um, I had sex with this
asshole a couple of months ago

and he totally
gave me herpes".

Not a chance.

Tracey, the first rule of
improv is you always say yes.

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, you should go
blow yourself.

Dude, I'm so gonna bag
that tonight.

Uh, sorry dude, I thought
that was gonna work.

No, that's brilliant.

You, by the way,
look ravishing tonight.

Thanks.

You know, I gotta admit, Jackie,
I was a little, just a little,

surprised that you called.

I like to be unpredictable,
so...

You know, can I just say
something?

The way that you handle
yourself at work,

I mean your decisive decision-

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I can pretty much guarantee that
you're gonna get laid tonight

as long as you stop talking.

Understood?

Yes, ma'am.

10-4 laryngitis setting in.

So let's just get
nice and drunk,

we'll see what happens,
ok?

Ok, inebriation, my favourite
three letter word.

Hey guys, welcome to Zane's.

I've got a beer for
the gentleman

and a lime margarita,
extra tequila, for the lady.

Thank you.

You look familiar,
have we met?

I'm pretty sure I would
remember that.

Well, I'm pretty sure
I remember that.

Hey, fella.

Guy.

It's me down here at
the North end of the table.

Yeah, we're just gonna
sit here,

we're gonna enjoy
our cocktails together,

the young lady and myself.

Why don't you toodle-oo
and run along.

Ok, how's that?

Does it taste good?

Mmm. It's fantastic.

Not like that cheap shit
that you get down in Mexico

at those all-inclusive.

Although that stuff gets
the job done as well.

Holy shit, that's it!

Cabo. Last Christmas.

I met you in Mexico.

Um, I don't remember that.

Were you there?

Yeah.

Oh, Cabo, I've stayed at
a little B&B on the beach,

porpoises everywhere.

I can't believe you don't
remember that.

I was totally wasted
the whole time I was there.

I was, right on the plane.

You know?

Totally.

I went with some guys, we were
tippin' tequila in sombreros...

Jackie, right?

Yeah.

Yes, Jackie.

Oh my god, listen.

This is going to be a little
bit awkward guys, but uh...

we had unprotected sex
down there

and I have a really bad case
of genital herpes,

and there's a good chance
that you have it now, too.

Oh.

But hey, enjoy your drinks,

and I'll come back in a bit
and get your food order.

Boom!

You did it?

Oh, you should have seen
the look on their faces,

there's no way they're
having sex tonight.

Sweet! Nice!

Let's watch.

Fuck.

Why aren't they leaving?

You know, that beer is
about two degrees warm.

Why don't we just go, ok?

And forget this ever happened.

No, no, no.

I'm good, I'm good.

It's cool.

What?

The whole herpes thing?

Don't sweat it.

I brought condoms.

I'm up for it if you are.

Really?

If you like, scratch away.

Come on.

Prost.

Ok.

There we go.

Fuck me.

He's so desperate
to get laid

he's willing to risk
a lifelong STD.

This guy's no joke.

We have underestimated
our opponent.

So what do we do now?

Shellfish.

He's allergic to shellfish.

I remember at one of the office
Christmas parties

he ate some shrimp and
almost had a seizure.

Perfect.

Woah, woah, woah, guys!

Hang on a second.

Nick, I know you hate this guy

and you'd do anything to keep
him from getting inside her,

but how far are we
gonna take this?

Alright guys, here's a round
on the house

and some chips and guac to make
up for the lifelong battle

of the genital scabs, alright?

I love guac.

Well, you're gonna
love that,

and there's a lot more where
that came from so dig in.

Thank you, sir.

What a great guy.

Here we go, herpes schmerpes,
right?

I can work around that.

I can work around it.

Arriba!

Nope, can't do it Kyle.

This whole herpes thing is kinda
killing the vibe for me.

You promised me S E X.

Ok?

And I promise you that
I will keep this zipped.

Wow, Kyle, that is so sweet
of you.

But also totally creepy.

[Choking]

What are you doing?

Kyle, knock it off, okay?

Stop joking around, Kyle.

Come on, don't embarrass me.

Fine, I will have sex
with you, ok?

You guys doing ok here?

How's the crab guacamole?

I'm allergic to crab.

You're allergic to crab
but you're fine with herpes?

That's kinda weird.

You're allergic to crabs?

His pen?

His pen!

Holy shit, he just fucking died!

[Screams]
Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Sex.

Sex.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Sex now.

Just get up.

I'm half-chub.

I'm good for sex.

What?

You promised.

Holy shit, did you see that?

He just came back from
the dead to sleep with her.

I just think he wants it more
than you, man.

You have to admire
his dedication.

Guys, I think we have
to give him this one.

Bullshit!

He ate a bad piece of fish,
I have been gay for weeks,

I'm not letting him win this.

I just don't think
we can beat this guy.

No! We can, we just have
to kick it up a notch.

How?

We're gonna have
to kidnap him.

My area is gonna need
a little mouth-to-mouth.

You know what Kyle,
that's it.

I'm done.

Aaaaaauuuuggh!

Did anyone else see that?!

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Hey, how's the date going?

I wouldn't even know
where to start.

I'm shitfaced, can you come
pick me up?

I'll be right there.

One steam boat, two steam
boat, three...

yeah.

Did you just see three white...

with...

Hey!

Jesus Christ, where the hell
did you come from?

I was just in the neighbourhood.

What?

Where's Kyle?

He just got kidnapped
by the Klu Klux Klan.

Ok, that sounds good.

You wanna grab your stuff?

Let's get you out of here, hey?

Ok.

Ok, woah.

How much did you drink tonight?

I have the worst luck
with men!

What is the deal?

Woah, watch your step.

Watch your step.

I gotta stop dating
douche bags.

Yeah, you do.

Like, fricken...

can we get some food?

Sure.

I think we need to get..

I think I want, like, poutine.

What's that?

Have you ever been to Canada
and had poutine?

No.

Frick, it's like the best thing
in the entire world.

Ok, woah, watch it.

God, it is hot in here.

And the clothes are coming off.

Oh, so tight.

Ok, whoa, whoa, whoa,
let's get you down.

Woah!

Ok.

Are you alright?

Yeah.

Oh, Nick.

I wish you were a man...
for me.

I am a man.

You know what I mean.

I just wish...

I wish...

What?

I wish...

You wish what?

You wish what?

Jackie, I gotta...

I gotta tell you something.

I love you.

I'm in love with you.

Jackie?

Nick, I have herpes.

That's not what I thought
you were gonna say.

I have blue balls.

Goodnight.

And she's a snorer.

It's still kinda cute.

Not that cute.

[Snoring]

Jackie?

Wake up.

Wake up.

Fuck off.

Wake up!

Woah!

I'm up! I'm up!

Nick?

What're you doing here?

You don't remember?

I rescued you from the
restaurant last night.

Oh, oh yeah, that's right.

Oh my god.

I think Kyle might be dead.

Maybe.

Kidding, I just called him.

He's totally fine.

Actually, he was bragging about
getting laid last night.

Really?

Oh, well maybe he got
gang banged by the Klan.

Yeah, maybe.

That was such a weird night.

Sounds like it.

You were really hoisting them
back it looks like.

Ugh.

Do you...

do you remember anything
about last night?

Not really, no.

No?

You don't remember
anything about, like,

the end of the night?

No. Why?

I didn't hit on you, did I?

No, it wasn't like that.

I...

That would have been hilarious.

No, it wasn't that.

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Yeah.

What?

What?

Yeah, I will.

Ok, thanks.

Bye.

Hey, you ok?

No.

My dad just died.

What?

Yeah.

Um, it's ok.

He's been sick for a while,
so it's not a surprise.

Still, I mean, that's horrible.

Yeah, it is.

Um... I...

I know this sounds stupid,
but is there anything I can do?

I have to um...

I have to go home.

Will you come with me?

Yeah. Come here.

[Soft acoustic music]

[Soft acoustic music]

[Soft acoustic music]

[Soft acoustic music]

Bye, dad.

Well, dad wanted this to be
short and sweet, so...

today we celebrate the life
of a great man.

A self-described "quirky
son of a bitch".

Charlie, can you do the honours?

Yeah.

This one's for you, dad.

Smoking a joint's part of
the family tradition?

Yeah, dad wanted us to get
blitzed with him

one last time.

[Coughs]

That pot's got a strange
kick to it.

It's not just pot.

It's also pop.

That's totally fucked.

Welcome to the family.

Drop the body in the ground!

[cheering]

So, uh... you're my sister's
new gay.

Yeah.

I'm Nick.

I'm married.

Ok.

To Jackie's sister,
Angela.

Nick, it's Carol.

Carol.

Oh, it's so good to meet you,

Jackie's told me so much
about you.

That's nice.

What do you guys do?

Spoken word, poetry...

Jazz, tap, interpretive dance.

You're one of those guys
who can just eat chips all day

and not gain any weight.

Yeah, I guess.

Fuck you, man.

Gay?

Yeah.

Oh, you fucker.

You've really got it
figured out

with the whole gay guy thing.

Living with a woman
is hard.

'Cause you take sex
out of the equation,

and you're only hanging out
with each other

because you actually
like spending time together.

I'm on this stupid
gluten-free diet,

it's killing me.

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know what has gluten
in it?

No.

Everything.

Everything worth eating
has gluten.

Pussy.

Gluten.

Didn't know that.

It's got yeast.

You like football, right?

Yeah.

And sex?

Yep.

Football sex.

It's pretty cool he came
here with you.

I haven't known him
that long,

but I totally trust him.

You're saying if you were gay

we would have sex
while watching football?

It could happen.

He doesn't smell gay.

Are you really?

Kinda.

[Rock music]

You're related to
everybody here.

[Rock music]

I can't believe
he's actually gone.

Yeah, I wish I could have
met him.

He was one of the good guys.

Like you.

I can't believe we smoked
your father.

Well, it could have
been worse.

How could it possibly
have been worse?

Carol wanted to snort him.

Yep, that would have
been worse.

I'm glad you're here.

Me too.

Bye guys.

That was fun last night.

Nice to meet you.

Football maybe?

Yeah, cool.

Call me and let me know
you got home safe.

Ok, honey. We'll be ok.

Ok.

Woah, there it is.

I'm gonna go get the bags.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye, we'll talk to you soon.

Call me when you get home.

Ok, bye.

Hang on a sec.

What's up?

I don't know what's going on,

but I've seen you look
at my sister

and you're about as gay
as Hugh Hefner.

I have no idea what you-

Just don't hurt her, ok?

She may think you're gay,

but I've never seen her more
comfortable with a guy before.

Look, I'm gonna tell her
the truth, ok,

just not right this second.

Please don't say anything.

Fine.

But you better tell her soon.

Ok.

Hey, we're home.

Thanks for driving.

Yeah, you bet.

Hey, look. Jackie, um...

I need to talk to you
about something.

Ok.

I um...

Uh, this is weird.

I don't even know
where to start.

Um...

I love hanging out with you.

Thanks.

Yeah.

You make me feel good
about myself,

and it's made me realize
I can't keep doing this.

I've been living a lie
and I'm sick of it.

It's time to come clean,

no matter what the consequences.

No more hiding, I'm ready
to be my real self.

Nick, I know exactly
what you mean.

You do?

Yeah.

And it's ok.

It is?

Of course it is.

Honestly, I am so tired, so
can we talk about this later?

Why don't you come to my place
tomorrow night, ok?

We'll get all the secrets
out in the open

and we'll start fresh.

That... that'd be great.

It's gonna be great.

Best weekend ever.

I thought it was a funeral?

No, it was more like
a party.

That's kinda fucked up,
man.

No, no. It was beautiful.

Let me tell you, I have never
gotten so close

to a woman before.

So what, you're a virgin now?

What?

Well, if you've had sex before,

then technically you have been
closer to a woman.

Yeah, now you're just lying
to yourself, Nick.

I mean emotionally.

I have never gotten so close
to someone emotionally.

It's an honest connection.

Even though you've been lying
to her the whole time?

It doesn't matter.

I mean, we slept
in the same bed

and we just cuddled
all night.

It was pure.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah it was, it was pure.

Question: while you were
cuddling with her,

did you have a boner?

A boner?

Jesus Christ, what are we,
12?

No, that's the question.

Did you have a boner?

Yes.

Part two: while she was
dozing off,

reminiscing the death
of her father,

were you thinking about
entering her the entire time

with your little boner
in her back?

Yes.

Ok, since you've been back,

how many times have
you masturbated

while thinking about
that cuddle?

Eleven.

Eleven?

Fuck me, that's impressive.

That is really actually
impressive.

Those are like
high school numbers.

Look man, if you're
that backed up

you gotta come clean
right now.

Yeah, you gotta tell her the
truth or you're gonna explode.

I'm not talking emotionally,

I'm talking your ball sack
might just go boom.

You sneeze or fart,
jizz everywhere.

Ok, you know what guys?

Just don't worry about it
alright,

'cause it's taken care of.

You told her?

I told her I needed to be honest
about who I am

and she said she knew exactly
what I was talking about

so I'm going over to her
place tonight

and we're gonna get
a fresh start.

That's awesome.

That's great.

It is awesome.

Anyways, I gotta go 'cause
I gotta get ready.

It's like 9:00 in the morning
right now.

I know, but I'm gonna go to
the gym for like six hours.

I wanna look totally ripped

when she finally sees me naked.

More lies, Nick.

I should probably get
a spray tan.

No, you most definitely
should not do that.

Yeah, you're starting to look
like a real housewife.

Yeah, I know, I should probably
get a spray tan.

Anyways, gentlemen,
take a good look

because after tonight I will be
a changed man forever.

You can eat my sausage.

Can I actually eat
your sausage?

*

[Doorbell]

Coming.

Hey.

Hey.

How are you doing?

I'm good, how are you?

Good.

I'm so glad we're finally gonna
do this.

Are you kidding me?

I'm just happy I don't have
to lie anymore.

You ready?

Oh yeah. Big time.

Surprise!!

What the fuck?!

[Cheering]

You said you wanted to come
clean about who you are,

so I organized
a coming out party.

Wha...?

Thank you so much everyone
for coming.

Now Nick here has a very
special announcement

he wants to make and it was
really important to him

that all of you guys
were here, so...

Nick? The floor is yours.

Come on, son.

What's the big news?

It's not really that big, dad.

Sweetheart, is this
an engagement?

I mean, did you propose to
this beautiful young woman

and she said yes?

No, mom. It's not that.

Well, I'm not surprised.

She's so much more attractive
than you are, sweetheart.

Thanks, mom.

Just get on with it, dipshit.

Oh, you tracked down
my brother Bradley.

Awesome to see you again.

Why are we here?

Come on, you can do this.

Ok.

What I-

What I wanted to-

What I wanted to tell you...

Ok?

Yeah.

I'm gay.

You're what?

I'm gay, mom.

I'm a gay.

You're not gay.

I am, I'm very-

I'm really gay.

You're not gay.

You're not gay, because we
shared a bedroom together

when we were kids, and you
had more porn than the internet.

Dirty porn, alright?

Girl on girl porn.

That's an exaggeration.

Explain that.

Sweetheart, why would you be
watching lesbian pornography?

Support?

For who?

To gays.

That makes total sense.

That makes total sense.

We support each other.

So...

You know, sorry.

This is probably a lot
to process.

It's a lot.

So why don't we let Nick
grab a drink

and then he can catch up
with everybody.

Sound good?

[Collective]
Yeah.

Here you go, sweetheart.

Oh, thanks mom.

Gosh, I do wish you would have
told me.

Yeah, sorry mom.

I could have given you
some advice.

I really don't see how.

Are you a pitcher
or a catcher?

What?

Don't be a prude, dear.

Sometimes I like to play
catcher myself.

Mom, what the fuck are you
talking about?

Language, please.

I'm just saying sometimes I like
to take it in the ass too.

Jesus Christ.

You know what?

About three white wine spritzers
and a bottle of lube

makes the whole thing
much more pleasurable.

Ok, can you excuse me
for a second?

I'm just going to go find a
blender to put my face into.

Listen, son.

I just want you to know that
we love you no matter what.

I know, dad.

And uh...

you're probably thinking you're
all alone in this

and I just want you to know
you're not.

Thanks, dad.

I mean, I know this
isn't a choice.

It's genetics.

Right. Yeah.

It's probably my genetics.

What're you talking about?

Well, you remember I told you
I played hockey over in Europe

for a year before
you were born?

Yeah.

Well, there's a 50/50 chance

I let my right winger blow me
one night.

50/50, dad?

Either you did or you didn't.

We were so wired on bumpers
and coke

when we went through that
eastern block,

to be honest with you

I don't know what the fuck
happened over there.

But I just can't shake
this feeling

that Sergei gave me a hummer.

Sergei?

Really handsome bastard,
blonde hair,

big high cheekbones.

Looked like a model.

You know dad, I don't want
to talk about this right now.

Maybe it wasn't a hummer.

I think we've had
enough sharing.

Maybe it was a rim shot.

And we're done.

So tell me.

What is this shit?

It's the truth. I'm gay.

Oh, ok.

See? You're not gay.

What, gay people don't hit?

Oh.

What?

Oh.

Oh, so you're lying to
the hot chick over there,

telling her that you're gay

just so you can
hang out with her.

How the hell did you
figure that out?

Oh, come on.

Just because I don't like you

doesn't mean you're not
my brother.

Don't screw this up for me,
you understand?

Alright, I won't. Relax.

One question: how can
this possibly end well?

It just will, ok?

Yeah, ok.

I gotta say, that chick
is pretty hot.

Look at that rack.

I could see how you would
give a blow job or two

just to see those puppies.

Thanks for the support.

Yeah, no problem.

Hey, can I borrow some money?

No.

I'll tell.

Fuck.

Fine.

Thank you.

Asshole.

Hey.

Hey.

So, I think this went
really well.

Yeah, it's super good fun.

Ugh, good.

I mean, it's been a bit weird
for me...

Oh, how come?

Well, I didn't know you
were friends

with that guy Zane there.

He's the one who
almost gave me herpes.

Oh, yes.

Right.

It's been much more
awkward for you.

Yeah.

That's ok, though.

I mean, this is about you,
right?

'Cause now you're out and
you can get back together

with your ex-boyfriend.

Oh yeah, right.

I didn't even think
about that.

Awesome.

When do I get to meet him?

Hmm?

Like, next week or the week
after maybe.

What about tomorrow?

Perfect.

Buddy, that was a great
party last night.

Dink.

Yeah, I can't believe
I missed it.

Where were you?

I had a Skype sex date
with the wife.

Nice.

It's actually kind of fucked up
'cause you just end up

looking at yourself in that
little box in the corner.

Nobody needs to see that.

Well, you missed a
good one last night.

Yeah, it was great to see

your parents accepting
your lifestyle.

You guys are assholes.

Why didn't you warn me?

Dude, we were told it was
just a celebration.

That's right, a celebration
of love.

And who can resist a
celebration of love?

Yeah, well now she wants to meet
me and my ex for lunch today

so I'm totally fucked.

Why don't you just get Jeffrey
to pretend to be your lover?

I can't, I already tried.

He's out of town.

Well, do we know
any other gay guys?

Not well enough to get them
to lie for me.

Who do we know that could pass
for gay?

Hot fuzz, that's deep.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

No, you look great.

Thanks.

So where is the mystery man?

Oh, he's just...

there he is.

Hi, I'm Carl.

Yeah, that's right.

From last night.

I didn't realize that you
were the one.

That's right, I'm the one.

Nicholas and I have been having
sexual intercourse

for years now.

Yep.

Ok, that's enough.

Prude.

That is what I keep saying
to him.

Come here and give me
a smooch.

No.

Come on, Nick.

Just give him a little kiss.

Just try it out.

Carl.

Carl.

Oh, that's nice.

Still a work in progress.

I'm really happy for you guys.

Hey, who's hungry?

I'm starving.

I will grab menus.

Isn't he cute,
with his touching?

He likes the rough stuff.

Oh.

I beat the shit out of him
all the time.

Really? Wow.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes I just choke him
out and fuck him

right in the bum.

[Pop music]

[Pop music]

What's happening?

It looks like a rally
or something.

Hey, excuse me, what's going
on here?

These jackasses, they're
protesting gay marriage.

You know what guys,
we can just walk around.

If god doesn't believe
in gay marriage,

then why the hell should I?

Carl, you don't need to-

Carl?

Actually, asshole,
marriage is about love.

Are you telling me that god
doesn't believe in love?

Marriage is between
a man and a woman.

You and your kind are messing
with tradition.

Oh yeah?

What other traditions do you
want to bring back?

Slavery?

Oh, that was a good one,
right?

Oh hey, while we're at it,
why don't we just wipe away

women's right to vote?

You're gonna go to hell

for messing with the moral
fabric of this country!

Listen you sad, pathetic,
hate-filled little fucker,

if these two men
want to get married

then they have every right
to do so.

That's right.

You're all a bunch of queers!
All of you!

You know what?

We're gonna go down to city
hall right now

and we're gonna get married to
show you just how strong

the moral fabric in this society
really is!

[Cheering]

What the fuck are
you doing?

I'm making a difference,
Nick.

I'm making a difference.

What?

What do you think, everyone?

Who wants to go
to a wedding?

[cheering]

Nick, I am so proud of you!

We're here live outside
Councilman Abel's office

in an amazing turn of events.

Two men from the protest
are gonna tie the not right now

to show the world that marriage

is not about sexual orientation.

It's about love.

Alright Nick, you stay
right here.

I'm gonna get the marriage
commissioner.

No, Carl, wait.

I'm gonna try to get you
some flowers.

Jackie, you don't have
to do that.

Nick, it's your ride.

You deserve flowers.

What the fuck
is he thinking?!

Hey!

You are not getting married
without your best man.

What the hell are you guys
doing here?

It's all over the news.

I brought you guys
some suits.

Real proud of you, son.

You shouldn't be, dad.

Your bouquet, my laddie.

No, Jackie, I don't think
I can-

Showtime.

Alright fellas, I got another
one of these in five minutes

so let's just jump ahead
to the good stuff, ok?

Don't look so nervous man,
you're good.

You're in good hands.

Such a handsome couple.

Alright, now is there
anybody here

who knows of any
lawful impediment

as to why these two
young, lovely creatures

shouldn't be together?

Speak now or forever hold
your peace.

Alright.

Carl, do you take this man to
be your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold,
in sickness and in health

as long as you both
shall live?

Wait!

Carl, we can't do this.

Nick, this is bigger
than us.

We can show the world how
beautiful gay marriage is.

No, we can't.

Yes, we can.

Don't you believe
in gay marriage?

Of course I believe
in gay marriage but-

But what?

But we're not gay!

Oh, shit.

What?

I'm not gay.

Nick, you don't have
to lie anymore.

Jackie, I don't want to lie
to you ever again.

I'm not gay.

I've never been gay.

The truth is I'm straight and
I am totally in love with you.

What?

I- I never planned a lie,
it just sort of slipped out

and then I couldn't take it back
and everything happened so fast,

it just got so complicated.

I don't understand.

I just wanted to get to know
you, you know?

To be near you.

And yes, in many ways

it was the stupidest thing
I've ever done,

but I don't regret
it for a second.

You know how this whole time
I've been telling you

I'm head over heels in love
with the most incredible person

on the planet?

Well, it's true.

Jackie, it's you.

I've never gotten
to know anyone

like I've gotten to know you.

We're perfect for each other,
you can't deny that.

How could you?

Look, I know this
sounds kinda crazy,

but we've got all these
people here,

we've got a justice
of the peace,

so I'm going to ask you
for once in your life

to take a chance on love.

Jackie, will you marry me?

Oooh!

Shit!

I don't know you at all.

Jackie, wait!

Jackie!

I don't know if it's too soon,

but she really was too pretty
for you.

Yeah, he's right buddy.

I mean, you're like a six,

she's more like
a nine and a half.

It would be a tough life.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Listen son, that story I told
you about my hockey buddy,

I just made that up.

No you didn't, dad.

No, you didn't.

Seriously?

You're not even going
to come after me?

Jackie, I can explain-

You shut up, ok?

It's my turn.

I can not believe that
you did this.

I hate liars, Nick.

I hate them.

So part of me wants to rip you
a new asshole

for disrespecting me like that.

But part of me is kind
of flattered.

I mean, usually men just want
to get in my pants

and then I never hear
from them again but you,

you the idiot that you are,
put yourself in a position

that guaranteed you will never
get in my pants

just so you could get
to know me.

And I don't really know
what to do with that, Nick.

You can give me a shot.

Well, I'm still kind of thinking
I should kick your ass.

Jackie, you keep making
reference to physical violence.

I'm just wondering if you've
ever thought about seeing

a counsellor for that?

I will deal with you later,
Daniel Day-Lewis.

Copy that.

Thank you for that
hidden compliment.

That was nice of her.

Very.

We could be perfect together.

How am I ever supposed
to trust you?

I will spend every day
for the rest of my life

trying to prove that you can.

Ok.

Ok, you'll marry me?

No, you moron.

Ok you can kiss me,

and we'll take it from there.

I can kiss you?

Well, I don't know.

Can you?

[Cheering]

How was that?

Not bad for a homo.

Ooooh, now that I'm not gay

I don't think you can
call me that.

It's like how only black
guys can call themselves-

Ok, just shut up
and kiss me again.

[Cheering]

Now those are
fuck-me eyes.

Finally got that look right.

Yes, yes you did.

Now let's get out of here,

stop pretending we're friends.

*

Jackie!

Was that "My Left Foot"
Daniel Day

or "There Will Be
Blood" Daniel Day?

Carl, pick one.

Can you just email me later?

Nick, can you give her
my email?

Huge difference.

One was more physicality
and one was more voice.

They're both good options.

I'm going to ask you a favour.

[stomach growling]

[laughing]

It's America, celebration.

Here we go!

Get your shit together,
literally.

It's so hot in here.

It is hot in here.

What the fuck was that?

Alrighty then.

I'm feeling frisky.

Maybe some Nair for all that
fuzzy stuff.

What is that? Seriously...

I don't know.

I'm grossed out by it too,
gotta be honest.

It is kinda disgusting.

Perogies are going to need
a little basting.

The satchel is going to need
a little one on one.

[laughs]