Original subtitles

Good evening and a very merry Christmas to you.

I'm David Suchet and I'm speaking to you direct from the BBC Studios.

I'm hugely excited to have been asked by the BBC

to narrate tonight's amateur production of Peter Pan,

performed by the recipients of this year's BBC Community Choice Award.

So, before we begin,

let's take a moment and meet the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society...

The Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society is an amateur theatre group.

And we're made up of people who do lots of different courses,

but who come together in the evenings and at the weekends

to create theatre.

I am Chris. I am the director.

I'm Robert. I'm the lead actor.

- You're not the lead actor. - Well, I'm the best actor.

Ar-arrr-ar-argh!

You're doing it again. You're still... No-one can understand you!

Right, I've been working as a stage manager for Cornley

for about five years now.

And what these so-called BBC professionals need to learn,

that when we're live, it's my stage.

- ROBERT: - Why were we selected?

Hard work, talent and our previous high-quality productions.

Oh, and because of our cast member Max, whose aunt runs the BBC.

- WOMAN: - Our strengths? Erm, well, everyone's really keen.

Yeah, everyone's really committed.

Everything's so strong.

Yeah, it's been, er...good getting to know each other really well.

- Yeah. And, you know, now we're really close. - Yeah, really close.

Robert's niece is playing the Lost Boy Tootles.

She's quite nervous about being on live TV,

but Robert's coaching her, so she'll be fine.

Come on, Lucy, more confidence!

You're going to ruin Christmas!

I just want to get through the whole thing without killing anyone.

That's your cue, Dennis!

God...

Can we get him an earpiece?

Got a headset.

- Will it be noticeable? - No.

Dennis, Dennis, stop! All right, enough, stop!

- ROBERT: - We are confident this pantomime will run smoothly.

This is not a pantomime.

It is a traditional Christmas vignette.

Oh, no, it isn't!

HE LAUGHS

Ha-ha...

Right, that's my cue.

Here we go!

See you on the other side...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LOUD BANG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All children, except one...

Oh!

LAUGHTER

All children, except one, grow up.

Wendy discovered that she would grow up

when she was at a picnic and her mother said the words,

"Oh, I wish you could stay like this forever!"

And...then she knew.

It is this very Wendy,

along with her two brothers Michael...

TWINKLY MUSIC

LAUGHTER

..and John...

TWINKLY MUSIC

LAUGHTER

..who begin our story.

TWINKLY MUSIC

LAUGHTER

The setting is their bedroom,

on the third floor of a townhouse in Bloomsbury.

Come along, boys, stop playing around.

It's time for you to get into your bedclothes.

It's too early for bed, Wendy. You're turning into Mother.

Well, I should love to be like Mother.

- BEEPING - Well, I shouldn't.

That would be ever so dreary, Wendy.

LAUGHTER

John's right.

I can't stand being cooped up in this boring old nursery.

I'm four years old!

LAUGHTER

Not every day can be an adventure, Michael.

Now, it's time to get ready for bed.

I can hear Father's footsteps.

Has anyone seen my cufflinks?

Oh, George, you are forever losing things.

TWINKLY MUSIC

Their father George Darling was a man of business.

A little pompous, but with a kind heart.

- I have searched the ho... - He was...

He was far less serene than their mother Mary Darling,

a genteel and elegant woman.

- I have searched the hou... - Although sometimes...

LAUGHTER

..he forgot to SHOW IT...

LAUGHTER

..George loved them all dearly.

I have searched the house high and low.

I put a thing down for a moment and it is as if fairies

- have danced off with it. - Oh, Father!

I would so love to have fairies skipping about the house.

I don't believe in fairies.

- Wendy, have you seen my cufflinks? - No, Father.

I mean, really, is it me? Or is the world going mad?

LAUGHTER

I'll look in the drawing room, George.

- BEEPING - Perhaps Nana has seen them, Father.

That creature is almost certainly the reason they are missing.

- TWINKLY MUSIC - Woof!

LAUGHTER

Nana! Come here, girl! Come on, Nana.

I don't understand all this affection

towards that dreadful animal.

What about me? Where are my cufflinks?

Perhaps Liza has seen them.

TWINKLY MUSIC

The final member of the household was Liza, the Darlings' housekeeper,

different in every way to Mrs Darling.

- COCKNEY ACCENT: - I've found your cufflinks, Mr Darling.

LAUGHTER

You left them on the dresser.

GONG SOUNDS

A sweeter family you've never seen,

with hearts as good as gold.

And on this fateful evening,

our story shall unfold.

TWINKLY MUSIC

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Liza. You have saved my evening.

Now leave that beast alone, the three of you.

We're only petting her, Father.

LAUGHTER

That dog needs to be taught some discipline.

Now, all of you, time for bed and to take your medicine.

Fetch the medicine bottle, Nana.

When I was small, I used to...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

When I was small,

I used to thank my mother and father for giving me medicine.

I would say, "Th..."

Argh! Say...say...

I would say, "Thank you, kind parents,

"for giving me bottles to keep me well!"

Ah, here is Nana now.

Bring me the medicine bottle, Nana!

LAUGHTER

Bring me the medicine bottle, Nana!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Nana.

Now, fetch me a spoon.

LAUGHTER

Liza!

Argh!

LAUGHTER

Yes, Mr Darling?

Liza, take that wretched animal outside and chain her to her kennel.

Come on, Nana...

outside!

Urgh!

Thank God that animal's gone.

LAUGHTER

What's all this commotion, George?

Mary, my dear. Nothing's wrong. The children were just getting into bed.

- Where's Nana? - Liza locked her outside.

But she protects the children!

Protects them from what?

The boy who visits this room.

- Oh, what nonsense. - Mother and I saw him the other evening.

He slipped away through the window.

Mother ran to slam it shut before he could escape,

but he was too nimble, the window shut and we caught just his shadow,

which started dancing across the room.

LAUGHTER

A dancing shadow? Oh, really!

Whatever will you come up with next?

I had Liza lock it in the chest. See for yourself, George.

Liza has the key.

I shall get Liza to fetch the key.

Liza!

Yes, Miss Wendy?

LAUGHTER

- Have you the key to the chest? - I shall fetch it at once.

- CAR HORN - Your cab's here, Mr Darling.

Excellent. Let's go down...

CAR HORN

LAUGHTER

Another cab's here, Mr Darling.

Excellent. Let's go down...

CAR HORN

LAUGHTER

A third cab's here, Mr Darling.

Three cabs?

One for Mary.

One for me.

And one for...my hat.

Let's go downstairs.

I shall fetch the key, Miss Wendy.

Thank you, Liza.

Mary, the cab's here!

The cab's here? I shall fetch my shawl.

Very good, Mary.

Where is that maid? Liza!

I found the key, Miss Wendy!

LAUGHTER

Now I can show you the shadow, Father!

Oh, Wendy, you really must grow up. There is no shadow.

OMINOUS MUSIC

That will be all, Liza. I don't have time for this.

Please look, Father!

Mary, the cab's here, we shall be late!

Oooh!

LAUGHTER

The cab's here. Yes, I found my shawl.

LAUGHTER

Very good! Come along, Mary!

I'm going downstairs.

Someone has to be grown up around here.

HE GRUNTS AND STRAINS

LAUGHTER

HE PANTS AND STRAINS

HE GROANS AND STRAINS

LAUGHTER

All right, my dears, time to turn the lights out.

Make sure you all... Oh!

What is it, Mother?

I thought I saw a face at the window.

Nothing there.

LAUGHTER

Must be my imagination!

- BEEPING - Won't you sing us a lullaby, Mother?

No, Dennis.

Speak with feeling, for God's sake.

LAUGHTER

No! No! No!

Don't repeat that, you idiot!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Of course, my sweet.

LULLABY MUSIC

THE 'CHILDREN' YAWN

# Hush now, my darlings

# Don't you stir

# Dream of a world of adventure

# Be at peace

# You'll be grown up one day

# Till then, put your fears away...

LAUGHTER

# Close your eyes...

LOUD DRILLING

# ..and rest your heads

# Safely tucked into your beds...

BANGING AND DRILLING

# All is quiet

# And all is calm

# I'll never let you

CHAINSAW WHIRS

# ..come to harm

# Night-light lit to guide your way

# Until the sun brings in the day

- THE MEN SHOUT AND ARGUE - # And as they take

# Their maiden flights

# Guard my sleeping babies tonight!

# Guard my...

- SOFTLY - # ..sleeping babies tonight. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was beautiful, Mother.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, my dear.

Mother, can anything harm us when the night-light is lit?

Nothing, precious.

LAUGHTER

They are the eyes a mother leaves behind to guard her children.

Mother...

you look pretty tonight.

LAUGHTER

- Are you tucked in, Michael? - Yes, Mother!

Are you comfortable?

Oooh!

HE STRAINS

Yes, Mother.

And you, Wendy?

Yes, Mother.

Urgh!

LAUGHTER

And you, sweet John, are you feeling sleepy?

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

Goodnight, my dears.

Dear night-lights, that protect my sleeping babes,

burn clear and steadfast tonight.

LAUGHTER

No! No! Wait, wait, wait!

Oh, God, no, no!

- Ah! - Ah!

- I'm in! - I'm in!

- Oh... - Oh, God!

I...

Down!

LAUGHTER

Down! Down! Oh, God...!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank heavens I didn't wake the children!

LAUGHTER

Tinkerbell? Tink? Where are you?

Have you found my shadow? Do you know where they put it?

LAUGHTER

There you are! Do you know where they put it?

Oooh!

LAUGHTER

In here?

Are you ready, Tink? Don't let it startle you!

It's time to get my shadow back. Don't let it dance away.

BLUESY NIGHTCLUB MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Ah-ha, got you! Now to stick you back where you belong.

I'll stick you back on with...soap!

Boy, why are you crying?

HE STARTS TO CRY

I'm not crying. What's your name?

Wendy Moira Angela Darling. What's yours?

- Peter Pan! - What are you doing?

I'm trying to stick my shadow back on.

You can't stick a shadow back on with soap.

It must be sewn.

- What is...sewn? - I shall show you.

There, it's done! Why don't you try it?

Wendy, it's done! Look! Look!

Oh, the cleverness of me!

I'll give you a kiss, if you like.

Thank you.

- Don't you know what a kiss is? - I shall know when you give it to me.

And now shall I give you a kiss?

If you please.

Not on stage!

LAUGHTER

An acorn!

I shall wear it on a chain around my neck.

LAUGHTER

- How old are you? - I don't know, quite young.

I ran away...

LAUGHTER

I ran away the day I was born!

- Ran away? Why? - I'll tell you for why...

I heard Mother and Father talking of what I was to be when I was a man.

I want always to be a little boy and to have fun.

So I ran away to Kensington Gardens

and lived a long time among the fairies.

LAUGHTER

- You know fairies, Peter? - Yes.

But they're nearly all dead now.

Children know such a lot now. Soon they don't believe in fairies.

And every time a child says, "I don't believe in fairies,"

there's a fairy somewhere that falls down dead.

TWINKLY MUSIC

- You can fly! - Of course I can...

LAUGHTER

Argh!

Of course I can fly!

No! No! No!

Argh!

Where on earth did you learn to do that?

In Neverland. I fly everywhere with my friends, the Lost Boys.

How thrilling.

Wendy, come away with me to Neverland!

Urgh!

Argh!

LOUD CRASH

Oh, dear, I mustn't! Think of Mother.

- Besides, I can't fly. - I'll teach you.

Oh, how lovely! To fly!

LAUGHTER

- But is it far? - Not far at all.

Just the other side of the stars.

TWINKLY MUSIC

LAUGHTER

- Would you teach John and Michael to fly, too? - Of course!

LAUGHTER

- Argh! - Oh, my God! Robert! Oh, my God!

John! John! Someone! Someone!

Help! Help!

Argh!

Put it out!

- Argh! - Argh!

LAUGHTER

Get off stage. Get off stage right now. What's wrong with you?

Spraying me in the face like that!

HE CHOKES AND GAGS

HE COUGHS, SPLUTTERS AND STRAINS

HE STRAINS

Not again!

LAUGHTER

John! Michael! Wake up!

There is a boy here who wants to teach us to fly.

Urgh...! Fly?

I...should...love...to fly.

He shall take us to Neverland!

Argh!

Neverland?!

Argh! Ah!

I say, can you really fly?

- Look! - Oh! - Ah!

- Oh, my, how do you do it? - It's simple.

You just need your happiest thoughts and a little bit of fairy dust.

- TWINKLY MUSIC - Fairy dust? How delightful!

LAUGHTER

Are we all ready to fly?

Just think of a lovely, wonderful thought

and it will lift you into the air.

- TOGETHER: - One...

two, three!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

We're flying!

I feel light as air!

- BEEPING - Wheee!

- PETER PAN: - It's time to go. Follow me to the window!

Come on, Tink!

Second to the right and straight on till morning!

Here we go!

No... Whoa!

LAUGHTER

Onward...

No, no!

Argh!

Come on, boys! Just believe and you can fly!

Argh!

See? It's easy when you know how!

Argh! Try to keep up if you can!

Peter, I'm coming!

Oh, no, don't!

Don't, don't!

No, no, no! No!

Don't!

Don't, don't! No!

Oh!

Goodness, no! No!

- Get me down! - Peter! Wait for me!

- TOGETHER: - Neverland!

Here we come!

And so we arrive in the forests of Neverland,

a world of infinite wonders.

So as Peter flies with Wendy and the fairy Tink draws near,

our tale shall continue

and I shall disappear!

TWINKLY MUSIC

LOUD BANG Oh!

APPLAUSE

Wendy, look! We're here.

Hello, Tootles!

SHE WHIMPERS

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Lucy, you are doing this!

P...

P...

Peter!

I have...

I have to...to tell...

I have to tell you something.

Oh, yes?

What is it you have to tell us, Tootles?

Ah...ah...

Captain Hook has kidnapped Tiger Lily!

He has?! Then we must rescue her.

She is our friend, after all. Tink, go and find where they've taken her!

LAUGHTER

P...P...

P-P-P-Peter.

Peter!

- Oh, for God's sake! - CREAKING

Argh!

LAUGHTER

Ow...! Ow! Ow...!

Ow...!

SHE SOBS

LAUGHTER

Well, erm...

thank you, Tootles.

PANPIPE MUSIC

LAUGHTER

Oh, Peter! You play beautifully.

- Yar! - Yar!

Pirates! Quickly, into the hideout!

Yar!

Yah-yah-har!

Argh...!

WHITE NOISE

TESTCARD TONE

WHITE NOISE

Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

The glorious sound of a deserted forest.

CAR HORN

LAUGHTER

A cab...

- BEEPING - Captain!

We shall find the Lost Boys at...

RADIO DISTORTION

You're listening to BBC Radio 3!

LAUGHTER

That was the Violin Concerto in E minor by Johann Bach.

LAUGHTER

We'll find the Lost Boys at the Mermaid's Lagoon.

You may be right, Smee.

# I'm loving angels instead

# And through it aaaalll... #

Thank you, Mr Smee!

But most of all, I want Peter Pan!

For he cut off my arm, Starkey!

- ALMOST UNINTELLIGIBLE PIRATE VOICE: - Disgraceful!

He has no manners, Cap'n. Don't you agree, Percy?

- SIMILAR PARROT VOICE: - Disgraceful. I do agree, Starkey!

Ay, Percy knows how it is.

Ha, ha, ha.

LAUGHTER

Exactly.

Pan flung my arm to a crocodile that happened to be passing by.

LAUGHTER

Followed you around ever since, Captain Hook.

That he has, Smee!

That he has!

LAUGHTER

By lucky chance it swallowed a clock, Cap'n.

So before it can reach you, you hear the tick-tock and bolt.

What are you doing with your pistol out, Mr Smee?

I wouldn't want to be...caught unawares, Cap'n.

LAUGHTER

Put that thing away, Smee,

or I'll strike you down with my hook.

No! Put that thing away, Smee,

or I'll strike you down with my hook!

I'm Hook. You're Smee!

- I'm John. - You're Smee!

LAUGHTER

But soon I shall have the foolish boy within my grasp.

Ah, revenge is a grand thing.

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Oh, no, it isn't!

LAUGHTER

Yes, it is.

- AUDIENCE: - Oh, no, it isn't!

Oh, yes, it is.

- AUDIENCE: - Oh, no, it isn't!

Yes, it is!

- AUDIENCE: - Oh, no, it isn't! - Yes, it is! Yes, it is!

Yes, it is! It is! Yes, it is!

Of course it is!

LAUGHTER

This is not a pantomime.

- AUDIENCE: - Oh, yes, it is!

No, it isn't!

Shut up!

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Boo! - Don't boo me!

- AUDIENCE: - Boo!

How would you like it if I booed you?

Boo!

Booooo!

Boo!

- It's not nice, is it? - LAUGHTER

But hold, men. What's this?

CAR HORN

LAUGHTER

A cab!

- SMEE: - Oh, no, it isn't. - Yes, it is! Yes, it is!

I don't know why it is, but it is!

Also there's this.

Something strange!

Smoke coming out of this tree stump.

Ha-har!

LAUGHTER

ALL: Yar!

A chimney, Cap'n?

Listen, men, 'tis plain Pan and the Lost Boys live here,

among the trees and underneath the ground.

PIRATE MUTTERS UNINTELLIGIBLY

You see these tracks down to the shore, men?

Aye, Cap'n, I see it clear as day!

Follow them back to the Jolly Roger.

Row Tiger Lily to the lagoon,

put her out on Marooner's Rock and nab Pan...

Argh!

Argh! Argh!

Get off! Go! Go!

Go! Just get out of here!

Aah...!

Avast belay, when I appear,

by fear they're overtook.

Nought's left upon your bones

when you've shaken claws with Hook!

LAUGHTER

There!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

TWINKLY MUSIC

And so the dastardly pirates set off with evil intent.

What is this place?

This is Marooner's Rock.

Tink said that the pirates will be bringing Tiger Lily here.

- PIRATES: - # Yo, ho! Yo, ho!

Here they come. Hide!

# A merry hour, a hempen rope, and a hey for Davey Jones! #

Yarr! Ha, ha, ha!

Oh...'tis good to be upon the water, me lubbers.

Now we must follow the Captain's orders and, er...

LAUGHTER

..and hoist Tiger Lily onto the rock and leave her there to drown.

Yar! Ye-ha!

Yar...

Any last words, Tiger Lily?

LAUGHTER

These words shan't be my last, as Peter Pan shall save me.

This is a terrible show...

LAUGHTER

..of cowardice, Tiger Lily.

LAUGHTER

We thought you'd put up more of a fight.

Brave men do not sneak up on defenceless girls.

You are the true cowards.

You can't act...

LAUGHTER

..in this way when the Cap'n arrives.

You have a sharp tongue now,

but you shall tremble at the sight

of Hook's impressive arse...

LAUGHTER

..senal of weapons back aboard the Jolly Roger.

- Poor Tiger Lily. Help her, Peter. - Of course I shall.

I'll impersonate Hook!

Watch...

- LIP-SYNCS A RECORDING: - Ahoy, there, you lubbers!

'Tis the Cap'n. He must be rowing out to us!

Just putting Tiger Lily onto the rock, Cap'n!

- RECORDING: - Release her, you blithering imbeciles!

Cut her free!

Aye, Cap'n. I'll cut her free.

Ha, har-har!

Yar!

SWORD CLATTERS ON THE GROUND

LAUGHTER

- ALMOST UNINTELLIGIBLY: - Why don't you cut her free?

LAUGHTER

I don't know what you're saying.

LAUGHTER

Just...give me the swoooord.

What is a swoooord?

It's a swoooord on the floor!

What are you talking about?!

I lost the swoooord in the muuud

and now I need you to find IT!

LAUGHTER

How can you not understand?!

LAUGHTER

No!

Not that!

The swoooord!

No!

- ALMOST UNINTELLIGIBLY: - Why would I want your hat?

Huuuuh?!

LAUGHTER

Hat! I'm already wearing a hat!

LAUGHTER

Everybody understood except for you!

Everybody!

Now, just get the...

Yar... She's free, Cap'n.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But, Starkey...

The Cap'n seems kind of out of sorts.

Nonsense. Here he comes, rowing out to us now...

Action!

LAUGHTER

Where's Tiger Lily?

We let her go!

Let her go?!

It was your orders, Cap'n!

You blundering blockheads, I said no such thing!

WHISTLE

Only pedalos on the lake!

LAUGHTER

Cap'n, if you didn't give the orders, who did?

LAUGHTER

Perhaps it be the dark spirit that haunts this here lagoon, Starkey.

WHISTLE

- Six o'clock, park's closed! - Oh, come on!

LAUGHTER

Spirit, Cap'n?

LAUGHTER

Legend says this lagoon is haunted by the ghosts of drowned sailors.

Oh... Hello. Chris!

LAUGHTER

Step ashore, Cap'n.

I shall.

Urgh!

LAUGHTER

Spirit!

Dost hear me?

- RECORDING: - I hear you!

Who are you, stranger? Speak!

- RECORDING: - I am James Hook!

Captain of the Jolly Roger!

Oh, no, you are not!

- Oh, yes, he... - No, he's not!

He's not!

LAUGHTER

- TICKING - What's that noise, Cap'n?

A ticking clock.

- 'Tis the crocodile! - Yar!

LAUGHTER

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.

Spirit!

If you are Hook, then who am I?

- RECORDING: - A codfish!

- RECORDING: - Cut. And that will do.

We are done for the day.

- Robert, Robert, I wanted to talk to you about something. - What?

It's about Jonathan and Sandra.

ROBERT LAUGHS

He's playing Peter Pan and she's playing Wendy.

They shouldn't be sleeping together.

He's supposed to be the boy who wouldn't grow up,

not the boy who couldn't keep it in his pants.

And she's just as bad! Flirting with everybody!

It's no wonder that Max is obsessed with her.

Yes, that's why he wanted to play Peter. To get closer to her.

But Max can't act!

- AUDIENCE SIGHS - He's terrible as Michael

and the crocodile.

He's playing it like a mammal!

I know, Robert, but we need his aunt.

She runs the BBC. It's the only reason he's here.

Yeah. Mm. Mm. What a loser.

- Oh, left the microphone on! - Ah...

RECORDING ENDS

LAUGHTER

- AUDIENCE: - Aw...!

'Tis Peter Pan! Ah!

Tis I!

Vainglorious boy!

I shall split your bones with my hook!

THEY CLASH SWORDS

Ha, ha! Nothing ever hurts me!

I'm Peter Pan!

And I...

Oh, no...no! Don't! Stop...!

- Come on! - Pull him down!

Come on!

You shall die by my blade, Pan!

To die would be an awfully big advent...

- ROPE SNAPS - Argh!

LAUGHTER

- What's happened? - Just fell out of the thing. - What?

- I fell out... - Just keep it going. - What?

Keep it going! Keep it going!

LAUGHTER

Erm...I'm terribly sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

but we seem to have a slight difficulty here.

Erm, many of you may have noticed that Peter Pan...

..took a rather nasty unrehearsed fall there.

Obviously, he wasn't thinking his happy thoughts.

LAUGHTER

- Quickly! Bring him through! - He's lost so much blood.

Anyhow, I'm sure Peter Pan's injuries will be...

less severe than those sustained in a production of Oliver!,

the musical in which I appeared many years ago now.

In the number Boy For Sale...

Yeah?

# Boy, boy for sale... #

LAUGHTER

..our overenthusiastic Mr Bumble...

..tripped backwards onto one of the frailer workhouse children,

crushing him.

See, regrettably, my car was parked in the ambulance bay

and that prevented the paramedics from getting to the poor child,

and very sadly...

..he passed away.

And I...

LAUGHTER

..I can't help but feel partially responsible for this tragic event,

because it was, as I say, it was my car

that stopped medical aid getting to the poor child.

But also because...

LAUGHTER

..I was playing Mr Bumble.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, I think we're ready to begin again...

TWINKLY MUSIC

So, back to Neverland!

I hear this evening's meal is imaginary.

So...it can be anything you want it to be.

- TOGETHER: - Anything?

Anything.

# You can have steak or salami

# You can have chestnuts or cheese

# The only thing to remember

- # Is the magic word - TOGETHER: - What?

# Please

- So I can have anything I can think of? - Of course!

# I could have lobster or lettuce

# You could have pastry or pies

# I could have dumplings or damsons

- BEEPING - # Your taxi has arrived

ALL: # Give and take, then we can make

# Whatever we can conceive

# With faith and trust and fairy dust

# And the world of make-believe... #

- Wendy, where's Peter? - This is Neverland, Michael.

He could be anywhere you want him to be.

# He could be fighting a pirate

- # Or chasing a wasp - Ow!

# He could be riding a star

Impossible!

# Of course

# I could be a steam-engine driver

# Or a sailor at sea

# You could be a prince fighting dragons

- BEEPING - # Cut to camera three

# I'll be the warrior winning the war

# I'll be a lawyer learning the law

# I'll be a pastor protecting the poor

- BEEPING - # Teletubbies! Teletubbies!

Argh!

ALL: # We can change them, we can make

# Whatever we can conceive

# With faith and trust and fairy dust

# With sticks and stones and bags of bones

# With ups and downs and all arounds

# With hops and skips and broken bits

SLOW BLUES MUSIC

LAUGHTER

# With faith and trust and fairy dust

# And a world of make-believe

# And a world of make-believe. #

Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I wish we could stay here forever.

Michael, you must not forget

that we have a mother and father waiting for us back at home.

Oh, I hear Peter outside.

Quickly, all of you, you know how he likes you to meet him at the door!

LAUGHTER

Peter enters.

- Peter, you're back! - Any adventures, Peter?

I battled with two tigers and a dozen pirates.

How exciting, Peter!

I...I...I love adventures, Wendy!

Peter flies around the room, showboating and full of mirth.

LAUGHTER

Stop it! Stop! No, no, no, stop!

- Gently. Careful, careful, careful! - No, stop, no! Stop! Just stop!

No...!

Oh, Peter!

No-one flies better than you!

LAUGHTER

I...I...I...I shall tell you my tale.

Peter lands nimbly. Oh, no!

LOUD THUD

This all sounds wonderful, but first you must have your dinner.

Erm...erm...

P...Peter begins to eat Tinkerbell...

LAUGHTER

..seems...most unhappy Wendy.

Perhaps she is angry with me.

Fairies have...

Fai... Fairies...

Fairies have...

No...! No! Help me!

Fairies have to be one thing, or the other,

because being so small they have room for only one feeling at a time.

Ah... I fear she is jealous of me.

LOUD THUD

Nothing ever hurts me, I'm Peter Pan!

And...Peter flies up onto the table.

LAUGHTER

To die would be an awfully big...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

- BEEPING - Not you, Dennis! Walk away!

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE CHEERS

CHEERING

When you die, you fly over the waters and the stars guide your way.

- Oh, Peter. - I do so love adventures, Wendy.

- RECORDING: - Sound cue recording 21. Panpipes. Take one.

LAUGHTER

SILENCE AS HE BLOWS

DOOR OPENS

- RECORDING: - Oh, hello, Max.

- RECORDING: - Sorry, I just wanted to ask about Peter Pan again.

Max, we have been over this.

You're playing Michael Darling and the crocodile.

But no-one likes the crocodile and Peter gets to do all the fun stuff.

Like kissing Sandra?

- Remember she's in a relationship. - I think I'm in love with Sandra.

She's my soul mate.

Max, I need to finish recording the panpipes.

Sorry.

DOOR CLOSES

Note. Don't use take one.

RECORDING ENDS

HE BLOWS FEEBLY

LAUGHTER

TWINKLY MUSIC

Meanwhile, Wendy began to understand

it was time for her, John and Michael to fly home from Neverland.

Peter, if you would come back with me,

I'm sure my mother and father would adopt you.

No, Wendy. I flew home once to see my mother and I found that

the windows were barred and she'd forgotten all about me

and there was another little boy asleep in my bed.

In that case, I must leave at once.

And you must kiss me goodbye, Peter.

- AUDIENCE: - Wooooo!

Oh, Peter, I meant a real kiss.

- A...a real kiss? - Don't you know what a real kiss is?

N...no. I do not.

Then I will show you.

LAUGHTER

- AUDIENCE: - Aw...!

- This is a real kiss? - Yes, Peter.

A real kiss.

- AUDIENCE: - Aaah...!

LAUGHTER

It's time for you to go now. No fuss, no blubbering.

I hope your mother's happy to see you all again.

Be careful you don't run into pirates. Or that crocodile.

That nobody likes.

- AUDIENCE: - Ooooh!

But little did Peter, Wendy or the Lost Boys

know that Hook lurked among the trees!

And his men kidnapped the children.

- AUDIENCE: - Boo!

Oh, grow up!

With them all captured,

Hook crept into the clearing.

And with stealth, cunning, guile and craft,

he added poison to the medicine draught.

- AUDIENCE: - Boo!

Now...where is Peter Pan?

- AUDIENCE: - He's behind you!

LAUGHTER

Where is Peter Pan?

- AUDIENCE: - He's behind you!

I know!

I know! I know he's behind me!

LAUGHTER

I directed the show! I told him to go there!

LAUGHTER

You have to let me find him!

Idiots!

Where is...? Oh, there he is.

LAUGHTER

Medicine...

..poison.

Ha, ha, ha!

- AUDIENCE: - Boo!

LAUGHTER

- MAN IN AUDIENCE: - Hurry up!

LAUGHTER

Ah...

- MAN IN AUDIENCE: - You need a hand!

No, I do not need a hand!

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Oh, yes, you...

No, I don't!

LAUGHTER

Shut up! What is wrong with you people?!

This is a serious play!

- AUDIENCE: - Oh, no, it isn't! - Yes, it is!

You're ruining it!

- AUDIENCE MEMBER: - Oh, no, we aren't! - Yes, you are!

LAUGHTER

Let me do it!

- AUDIENCE: - Wooooh...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Argh!

Yar!

- AUDIENCE: - Booooo!

Shut up!

God...!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Oh, Wendy? Ah, Tink! Tinkerbell...?

What's the matter?

Wendy and the boys captured by pirates?!

I'll rescue her. Where's my dagger?

Oh!

That? That's just my medicine.

Poisoned? Who could have poisoned it?

I promised I would drink it and I will!

- AUDIENCE: - No!

No, Tink! That's my medicine, not yours!

- It's for Peter Pan, not Tinkerbell. - ELECTRICAL BUZZING

LOUD BANG

GENERATOR POWERS DOWN

Annie?

GENERATOR POWERS BACK UP

LAUGHTER

Tink?

Tinkerbell?

- SERIOUS VOICE: - Tinkerbell?

LAUGHTER

Tinky...

Tink, are you all right?

Tinkerbell...? Tinkerb...

Annie? Annie?

Chris? Chris? Chris?

Chris!

On her back. Put her on her back.

Watch her wings, watch her wings.

- Watch her wings... - She spilt this.

For God's sake...

- Electrocuted?! - Shhh!

Shoo...Shoo...

Who's the first-aider?

Who's the first-aider?

LAUGHTER

She's the first-aider.

LAUGHTER

David! David!

- What? - Call an ambulance...

and move your car.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

- David, do something to cover. - What?

You're the professional. Cover!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AS POIROT: Mesdames et messieurs...

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

..it is not very usual

for Poirot to be so near to the catastrophe.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, David. Get off.

LAUGHTER

We have to b...believe in fairies!

Not now, Lucy. This is serious!

I...

b...b...believe in fairies!

Grow up, Lucy!

- AUDIENCE JOINS IN - I...

b...b...believe in fairies!

What are you doing? Please?

I...b...b...believe in fairies!

Settle down, plea...

- AUDIENCE: - I believe in fairies!

ALL: I believe in fairies! I believe in fairies!

I believe in fairies! I believe in fairies!

CHEERING

Positions!

Yes! Yes, yes! Thank you!

Thank you! You...

You saved Tinkerbell!

LAUGHTER

And now to rescue Wendy.

Come on, Tink, to the pirate ship!

It's Hook or me this time!

# Yo, ho! Yo, ho!

# Yo, ho, the pirate life

# The flag of skull and bones

# A merry hour, a hempen rope and a hey for Davey Jones! #

Ha, ha, ha, haaar!

What's going on?

- # A ho, hey, ho, a pirating we go... - Keep going. Keep going!

- # And if we're parted by a shot - Stop the revolve.

- # We're sure to meet below... # - Stop the revolve!

SINGING CONTINUES

You look great, you look great. You look beautiful, you look beautiful!

# A-sailing on the seven seas, what better life is there?

- AUDIENCE: - Wooooo!

# And any honest Jack or John had better best beware!

# Had better best beware!

# Yo, ho, the pirate life, the flag of skull and bones

# A merry hour, a hempen rope and a hey for Davy Jones!

- Come on! - For God's sake, I'm doing something!

LAUGHTER

THEY ARGUE, SINGING CONTINUES

Stop taping it down! It's not going to make a difference!

What are you doing?

Trevor, use the anchor! My God...

Give it back to me. Give me back the tape.

Sandra, no, no, no, no! You don't understand. No, don't...

I don't know what happened. Look, just let me explain.

- All your fault! - Sandra, she came on to me! She came on to me!

- Sandra! Sandra! - You're the one with the girlfriend!

# And a hey for Davy Jones! #

- ALL: - Yeah!

APPLAUSE

How still the night is.

LAUGHTER

Nothing sounds alive.

CAR HORN

A cab!

Why is there a cab in this scene?!

LAUGHTER

Revenge will soon be mine.

Save us, Peter!

Quiet, you dogs, or I'll cast anchor in you!

Now, will you join my crew

or die in the light of the full moon?

Arh!

MOON THUMPS

LAUGHTER

We shall none of us ever be pirates.

Is that so, my dear?

It'll be the plank for you, then.

Hey, Smee...

BEEPING

Dennis, you're wearing the wrong costume.

LAUGHTER

Get the plank ready, Mr Cecco!

- Bring the first prisoner to the plank, Mr Starkey. - Aye, Cap'n.

Oh, be brave, Tootles!

Yar...

LAUGHTER

Tootles, Cap'n?

Tootles.

Har!

There's none can save him now.

There's one!

'Tis I! Peter Pan the avenger!

I'll save you, Tootles!

Argh!

Pan!

Peter!

- Snap. Snap. Snap... - Hook, the crocodile is here!

He knows your end is near.

CHEERING

Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap!

Surround them! This one's mine!

- Dark and sinister man, have at thee! - Hyah!

Not again!

Get back here, Pan!

- Where are you going? Stay and fight! - Argh! Whoa!

Oh, my God!

- Fire! - Stop panicking!

Snap, snap, snap!

Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap!

Good God, no, no, no, no!

Argh!

- What are you doing? This is my job. - This is mine! - My job!

Argh!

Happy Christmas, mate!

Careful, careful, careful!

Argh...!

Argh!

- AUDIENCE: - Oooooh!

Argh...!

Eggheads, what is the term given to a person or group

illegally distributing copyright material for personal profit?

THEY CONFER

- Pirates. - LOUD CRASHING

BBC NEWS THEME TUNE

The BBC has confirmed the cancellation

of its Community Choice Project.

LOUD CRASH

THEY GIGGLE

Look out! Look out!

Argh...!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You...

You saved me!

Peter...

you saved all of us.

You're a hero.

But I'm not Peter.

I'm the crocodile.

CHEERING

PO GIGGLES

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Urgh!

- PO: - Woo!

LAUGHTER

PO GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

Oh, for God's sake...!

Thus...

..perished James Hook and his crew,

devoured by the crocodile...

Snap, snap, snap!

Wendy, of course, had stood, taking no part in the fight,

though now she watched her hero with glistening eyes

and when he slept that night she held him tight.

CHEERING

And now, sadly,

it is time to bring an end to our tale,

for we must leave Neverland, Peter and Tinkerbell...

CHEERING

..and return to that home from which three of our characters

had taken flight so long ago.

Liza sat by the window

and, on seeing the children, ran to fetch Mrs Darling.

CHEERING

Wendy, John and...

..the crocodile...

CHEERING

..found the window open.

Mr Darling came rushing in from the yard

to celebrate the homecoming of his dear ones.

LAUGHTER

There could not have been a lovelier sight.

But there was none there to see it,

except for a strange boy, who was sitting at the window.

Argh!

LOUD CRASH

The children, Mr and Mrs Darling...

..and the crocodile...

Snap!

..stood together,

united in their new-found bliss.

And perhaps it was at this moment

they all realised that

to live would be an awfully big adventure.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A bow together.

Three, two, one...

# With give and take, then we can make

# Whatever we can conceive

# With faith and trust and fairy dust

# And the world of make-believe

# And the world of make-believe! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

PO GIGGLES