Original subtitles

♪♪

Hey. Hi. [ Chuckles ]

How do I look for my date?

I-I want my outfit to say that I'm available

but not too available,

and that I'm 64 but I have the sex drive

of a 40-year-old who's newly married.

You look great.

Just be calm and be yourself.

If you have to choose one, be calm.

[ Chuckling ] Okay.

It's really scary getting back out there.

And you have to find the right dating app.

I started off with one that I thought sounded appropriate

for a woman my age -- Precious Little Time.

Which I thought meant that you wouldn't waste time

with people who weren't right for you.

But it turns out, it's for the terminally ill

who are still sexually active.

Well, you know those people are gonna want to do the freaky stuff.

Nobody wants to die in the missionary position.

Uh-huh.

Hey-ey.

What do you have for being underweight and depressed?

Wow, I guess somebody got a glimpse of themselves

in the window on the way over.

No, I was at Planned Parenthood,

which is a good place to go if you're poor

and actually planning for parenthood.

[ Gasps ]

You and Ben are having a baby?!

Smart move!

Lock that hunk of Grade A down.

First of all, it was Ben's idea.

Second of all, we're just talking about it.

I just wanted to see if I'm healthy enough.

And are you?

Oh, God, no.

I'm out of shape, my blood is iron poor,

and my vitamin levels are too low.

[ Whispering ] Is that from being vegan?

No.

Healthy vegans are fine.

But I'm a trash vegan.

It turns out coconut caramel fudge swirl soy ice cream

is not the building block of a healthy diet.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Hey. You guys left Grandpa Ed's a few hours ago.

What took so long?

Well, I took him to that abandoned mall parking lot,

taught him how to do ice donuts.

We skidded out of the parking lot onto the sidewalk.

Scared the hell out of that mom with that stroller.

Shh!

Found a box of Dan's childhood stuff at the house.

Oh, wow.

I've never seen anything from when you were a kid.

I can't believe your dad held on to this.

I don't think he wanted to hang on to it.

"Anything in this box, 50 cents"

gives you a pretty good idea of his emotional attachment.

I tried to give him the old man's car, but he wouldn't take it.

I don't want his car.

He treated the car better than he treated me.

This may come as a shock to you all,

'cause he hides it so well,

but Dan didn't have the best relationship with our dad.

What? What?! What? No!

[ Rubber band snaps ] You got me there, Bub.

You want a cup of coffee and some cookies, Uncle Ed?

Yeah. And you don't have to call me Uncle.

Makes me feel old.

Here's your coffee, Uncle Ed!

Is this cookie soft enough for your dentures?!

Have your fun. I'll pretend to be the old uncle.

Oh, he's confused again!

He doesn't know that he's related to us!

Hey! You guys should knock it off.

He's barely related to us.

No, Harris, we talked about this.

You cannot date your uncle.

I'm so sick of this family and all of its crazy rules.

What's this? Can I have it?

Stop being so rude.

I want it.

What is it?

It's nothing. That's mine. I-It shouldn't be in here.

Oh! That's not nothing.

It's your college diploma.

You didn't mention you went to college.

It's no big deal.

What'd you major in?

Environmental Science.

Ooh, I hope the government brings that back.

I hope those jobs pay good.

You got to be drowning in student loans, huh?

I'll be alright.

Hey, do that thing when I'm old again and I can't hear good.

That was really funny.

The old man paid for your college, didn't he?

Yeah, he did.

Good for you.

♪♪

[ French accent ] You think you would be more comfortable waiting at the bar?

Mm.

You can drop the phony French accent, Pete.

I don't know if you remember this,

but I used to babysit you when you were, say, "cinq."

So you're not getting the table.

Merci, garçon.

I can't believe how rude they're being

just because your friend is a little delayed.

Would you care to join us?

Oh, no, that's very nice of you,

but my date should be here any second.

He's a teacher,

so he's probably turning some child's life around.

Of course. But it'd be our pleasure.

And you could break the tie for us.

We're having a debate about that couple over there.

I say esteemed publisher and aspiring young novelist.

I say hooker and john.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, there's no way that man's a hooker.

[ Laughter ]

Hey.

Uh, ok-- Well, I-I don't know.

I guess I could join you. [ Chuckles ]

This is the first time I've tried using a dating app.

Oh, those apps have changed everything, right?

I can turn the light on in my guest bedroom.

Watch this.

Hmm. Uh-oh! [ Chuckles ]

I just opened the garage door.

Uh-oh. [ Chuckles ]

There go the cats.

[ Laughs ]

Fix this, would you, honey?

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, crap. I started the car.

[ Laughs ]

Well, it's good the garage door is open.

[ Laughter ]

You two are so cute.

[ Chuckles ] We are, right?

By the way, I'm Ron.

This is my lovely bride of thirty years, Janelle.

Oh. Hi.

Hi. I'm Jackie.

And I want to buy both of you another glass of wine

for being so kind to me.

Oh, they have my favorite wine -- "house."

[ Laughter ]

Alright, but if you're gonna be buying the wine,

then you're gonna have to join us for karaoke after dinner.

Oh, I love karaoke!

I do a fantastic "Thriller."

You know, not many people do the dance moves.

[ Laughs ] That's great!

We finally have a third for "Love Shack"!

Ohh!

♪ The love shack, baby, yeah ♪

Love shack, baby! [ Laughs ]

My God, is it just me, or do we sound better than the original?

Just you.

♪♪

Thanks for keeping an eye on Aunt Darlene.

She's doing girl push-ups?

I thought you had to be a girl to do those.

Tell Beverly Rose to get off my ass.

I'm doing the best I can.

You know, if you just tell your kids

that you're thinking about having a baby,

you could work out in front of the TV, like a normal person.

It's not worth answering all those questions until it's real.

Plus, I'm trying to avoid junk food,

and most of it's in the carpet downstairs.

[ Knock on door ]

Hey. You got a minute?

Hey, Harris. What are you doing up here?

I came to see which insurance plan you have for me.

I can buy one at work, and I wanna see if it's better.

Okay, well, you don't have one here,

so that one's better.

What were you doing on the floor?

Were you exercising?

You never exercise.

Hey, your mother was an athlete.

When she was a kid, she played basketball.

You're 2 feet tall.

Who would you play against, Alvin and the Chipmunks?

Seriously, why are you doing this?

I...just want to get swole, dawg.

Ew.

You'll tell me the truth, right, Becky?

Come on, Beverly Rose.

Nothing good is gonna happen here.

Thank you, Becky.

[ Sighs ]

Alright, um...

you're mature enough for me to just put this out there.

[ Sighs ]

Ben and I are... thinking about having a baby.

How do you feel about that?

You're old and it's embarrassing, but...

I don't care, 'cause I don't have to live here anymore.

Let's always talk. Just like this.

If I'm not doing anything else.

I know you took the good bath towel to your apartment.

Bring it back.

[ Scoffs ] You got bigger problems than that.

Mom and Ben are gonna have a baby.

What?!

Why?!

Because she's insane.

She's like a thousand years old and frail.

Well, then I got to tell her not to do it.

She doesn't care what you say.

Mom's having a new baby. You're out.

♪♪

Wow! Are those from the math teacher?

No! He stood me up.

Oh, they're --

they're from Ron and Janelle.

A nice couple I met who let me sit at their table

so I wouldn't be humiliated.

A couple sent you flowers?

That's odd.

Where else did you sit?

Oh, stop that. They're nice people.

We had fun together.

They sent you red roses.

That's romantic.

Don't be ridiculo--

They've been married for thirty years.

They're regular one-person-at-a-time people.

"Can't wait to visit the Love Shack with you again"?

Sounds like pile-of-people- at-a-time people.

Oh, my God, we sang that song at karaoke.

And then we went and got hot chocolate,

and then we walked along the Lanford River,

and then they walked me to my car,

and they said they had a wonderful time

and that they'd like to see me again.

That's a date.

They want you to be part of a thrupple.

What? No, they don't.

What is that?

It's the fun of a threesome

with the drudgery of a relationship.

Becky, I'm not gonna stand here

and listen to you jump to conclusions.

I have to get ready to meet them at dance class.

The three of us are going to tango.

See ya!

♪♪

Hey, buddy.

Ready for a little piano lesson?

No. I wanna talk to you.

Why are you forcing my mom to have a baby?

Whoa!

I...don't know who told you that,

but I am not forcing your mom to have a baby.

Is she forcing you?

Well, no.

It had to be somebody's idea.

Nobody just does that kind of thing for fun.

[ Chuckles ]

Ahh.

All I can say is that we love each other, okay?

And we're just thinking about having a baby.

You're a liar.

She's not gonna turn down having a baby with you.

You're the hottest guy she's ever dated.

Hey, the liar comment is hurtful.

But I can't argue with you that...

I am the hottest guy she's ever dated.

It's weird when you say it.

Okay, but, look, I am pretty sure

that your mom does not want me talking to you about this.

But [Inhales deeply] I'm just gonna go on and...

jump into the old "dad waters" for the first time here.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh...

you're worried that if we have a new baby

that you won't have a place in this family.

But you will.

You'll be a big brother, hot shot.

"Dad waters" is not a thing, you idiot.

Don't tell your mom we talked.

Or that I said "dad waters."

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be helping Ed Jr. over at your dad's house.

We pretty much finished the drywall.

He can handle it from there.

He's a smart kid.

He went to college.

Oh, so, that's what this is about.

I saw your face when Ed Jr. said Grandpa paid for his college.

You're so good at reading my face, what's it saying now?

It says you think you got a raw deal.

And your eyebrow is telling me you want pie.

Eh, that's easy. I always want pie.

Nope.

You can't eat your feelings until you tell me what they are.

I don't have any feelings. You know that.

Uh-oh!

Looks like I have a heavy whipped cream finger!

Okay, okay!

It would have been nice to go to college.

You never talked about wanting to go to college.

There's a lot of things I don't talk about.

I'm only talking about it now because of the pie.

[ Chuckles ]

I wanted to design cars.

Really?

All through high school,

I filled up notebooks with my design.

My art teacher thought I really had something.

But the old man wouldn't give me a dime.

Said I wasn't college material.

Like he'd know.

So what?

You're gonna punish Ed Jr. every time you hear

about something nice your dad did for him?

'Cause that's not his fault.

I know I should let it go, but I can't.

And if I don't, I'm gonna wreck my relationship with the kid.

[ Inhales deeply ]

The only way to let it all go is [Sighs]

to get some kind of closure with your dad.

Yeah.

Man, it'd be so much easier if he was still alive.

I could sit down with him, hear his side of it,

and punch him right in the face.

♪♪

It was awful nice of you to treat me to this.

I don't know when's the last time I had a pedicure.

They took off so much dead skin I think I went down a shoe size.

[ Laughter ]

Listen, you guys have paid for everything this week,

and I'm starting to feel like maybe I owe you,

hmm, I don't know, money.

Nonsense.

It's nice to have someone to spoil.

Our kids are grown, and, well, we don't like them.

[ Laughs ]

And we just can't imagine not having you around.

Oh, would you look at that.

Jackie, this is awkward because we've never done this before,

so we're just gonna say it.

We want to invite you into our relationship.

Which right now feels like the most natural thing in the world.

Uh...

There's the other one.

So, we were looking for the right person,

and then, out of the blue, you found us.

Oh. Well, I've never found an "us" before,

but [Laughs] here "us" is.

[ Laughter ]

It's kind of a surprise.

Really?

The red roses, the Love Shack, the locket...?

Oh, this is a locket?

Oh, and it opens up!

And there's the three of us.

So, what do you say, Jackie?

Do you have room in your life for us?

Well, it's -- it's a big decision.

Do I have a little time to think about it?

Of course.

It's important to us

that you want this as much as we do.

Well, I will say, if I brought you both home to meet my mother,

it would kill her, so [Chuckles]

that's a big check in the plus column...

[ Laughter ]

Oh, you are so...

♪♪

Hey, buddy. Whatcha doing?

Stress-ironing.

I talked to Ben, and he told me

that you're worried about a new baby coming into our lives

and what that means for you.

And I just want to tell you that everything is gonna be fine.

You're gonna die.

What?

Women in their forties have the highest risk

of dying in childbirth.

Strokes, kidney failure, hemorrhaging,

infections, pre-eclampsia --

Don't know what that is, but it happens right before eclampsia.

Alright. Slow down.

Where did you get this?

There's a lot of crazy stuff on the Internet.

The Mayo Clinic, the American Medical Association,

and the National Institutes of Health.

Oh. Maybe I better have a look at that.

Well, what happens if you die

and I-I hate the baby because it killed you?

And then I have to take care of a baby that I hate?

You think I'm gonna send a kid like that to college?

Mark, take a breath, okay?

[ Both inhale deeply ]

[ Both exhale deeply ]

I'm not gonna die.

Alright? I'm a Conner. We don't just drop dead.

We break down early, and we linger

so that we're a burden to the next generation.

Nana Bev is a burden to Aunt Jackie,

your grandpa will be a burden to me,

and I will be a burden to you for a long, long time.

You can't guarantee that you're gonna be okay.

Mark, look, the numbers say the odds of me

dying in childbirth are one-hundredth of one-percent.

Guess that's not a lot.

Yeah.

You're totally worried about the wrong thing.

Okay?

You don't need to worry about me dying.

It's much more likely that I'll love the new baby more than you.

Seriously?

Look at me. That's not possible.

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, how do you know?

We haven't seen the baby yet.

And Ben is the hottest guy I've ever dated.

♪♪

Okay. This was Dad's spot.

[ Sighs ] [ Sighs ]

You gonna tell me why we drove all the way out here in Dad's car?

I just wanted to see where he used to come to sit and think.

I get it.

It's so deserted,

you could scream out here and nobody'd hear ya.

Okay.

Look, I know you're really mad about the whole college thing.

Yeah, I got to tell you, it got to me.

Every time I hear about all the good stuff he did for you,

all this rage and resentment comes boiling up again.

I gotta put an end to it.

Alright, look, it is not my fault what he did for me.

Alright, but if you wanna go,

take your best shot, but I'm a biter.

[ Laughs ]

I didn't come here to fight you.

I appreciate you giving me the car, man.

Well, why don't we go back into the car,

where it's warm, and talk about it?

No can do.

I already lit the fuse.

[ Chuckles ]

What?

I loaded up the trunk with fireworks,

illegal stuff from Michigan.

I got something called a Patriot's Candle.

It's basically just a stick of dynamite.

So, we drove all the way out here

with a trunk full of explosives?

[ Explosion, glass shatters ]

Holy crap, that's really cool.

Yeah, it was.

I feel better.

Just had to exorcise some demons.

I had to get closure with Dad

to keep him from screwing up our relationship.

And he loved that car.

Hey.

Whoo! Whoo!

What?

Stop!

It's just me.

Ron and Janelle paid for it, but, uh...

Becky, you were right. They want a thrupple.

I'm guessing that's a couple

plus one person who's wearing someone else's hair?

No.

It's when three people have an equal relationship,

just like a couple.

Are you actually considering this?

Maybe.

I mean, they're fun, they treat me with respect.

When's the last time I had that?

I think that Ron and Janelle

might be the person I've been looking for all this time.

Are you sure you're ready for this?

What happens when Ron wants to have sex with you?

Or Janelle?

Or Ron and Janelle?

Um...

I'll deal with that when we go up to our lake house

in Door County next weekend.

♪♪

You know, it's a shame there's no pictures of us together when I was a baby.

[ Chuckling ] I remember the first time I babysat you.

You were easy.

D.J., see if there's any frozen waffles in the freezer.

[ Ed Jr. crying ]

Crystal's list didn't say anything about frozen waffles.

[ As Boris Karloff ] That's because she doesn't know the secret.

[ Normal voice ] There you go.

Chew on this for a while, Little Ed.

Yeah, that's gonna make those gums feel better.

Hmm?

Ugh.

He's slobbering.

Well, that's why I use a waffle.

It's got all those built-in drool cups.