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1
00:00:01,750 --> 00:00:04,380
♪♪
2
00:00:04,380 --> 00:00:05,540
Hey.
Hi. [ Chuckles ]
3
00:00:05,540 --> 00:00:07,500
How do I look
for my date?
4
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:10,000
I-I want my outfit to say
that I'm available
5
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,830
but not too available,
6
00:00:11,830 --> 00:00:14,830
and that I'm 64
but I have the sex drive
7
00:00:14,830 --> 00:00:17,170
of a 40-year-old
who's newly married.
8
00:00:19,460 --> 00:00:20,460
You look great.
9
00:00:20,460 --> 00:00:23,290
Just be calm
and be yourself.
10
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,000
If you have to choose one,
be calm.
11
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,830
[ Chuckling ] Okay.
12
00:00:26,830 --> 00:00:29,170
It's really scary getting
back out there.
13
00:00:29,170 --> 00:00:31,380
And you have to find
the right dating app.
14
00:00:31,380 --> 00:00:34,040
I started off with one that
I thought sounded appropriate
15
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,380
for a woman my age --
Precious Little Time.
16
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:40,040
Which I thought meant that
you wouldn't waste time
17
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,830
with people who
weren't right for you.
18
00:00:41,830 --> 00:00:43,960
But it turns out, it's
for the terminally ill
19
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,710
who are still
sexually active.
20
00:00:46,710 --> 00:00:50,080
Well, you know those
people are gonna want
to do the freaky stuff.
21
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,170
Nobody wants to die in
the missionary position.
22
00:00:52,170 --> 00:00:53,500
Uh-huh.
23
00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:55,750
Hey-ey.
24
00:00:55,750 --> 00:00:58,500
What do you have for being
underweight and depressed?
25
00:00:58,500 --> 00:01:01,040
Wow, I guess somebody
got a glimpse of themselves
26
00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,620
in the window
on the way over.
27
00:01:03,620 --> 00:01:05,580
No, I was at
Planned Parenthood,
28
00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:07,750
which is a good place
to go if you're poor
29
00:01:07,750 --> 00:01:09,420
and actually planning
for parenthood.
30
00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:10,500
[ Gasps ]
31
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:12,040
You and Ben
are having a baby?!
32
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,380
Smart move!
33
00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,580
Lock that hunk
of Grade A down.
34
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,380
First of all,
it was Ben's idea.
35
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,960
Second of all, we're just
talking about it.
36
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,710
I just wanted to see
if I'm healthy enough.
37
00:01:22,710 --> 00:01:23,620
And are you?
38
00:01:23,620 --> 00:01:25,420
Oh, God, no.
39
00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:28,040
I'm out of shape,
my blood is iron poor,
40
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,920
and my vitamin levels
are too low.
41
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:32,000
[ Whispering ]
Is that from being vegan?
42
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,000
No.
43
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:37,000
Healthy vegans are fine.
44
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,580
But I'm a trash vegan.
45
00:01:38,580 --> 00:01:41,620
It turns out coconut caramel
fudge swirl soy ice cream
46
00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:43,670
is not the building block
of a healthy diet.
47
00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:54,620
♪♪
48
00:01:54,620 --> 00:02:04,120
♪♪
49
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:13,500
♪♪
50
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:20,710
♪♪
51
00:02:23,170 --> 00:02:26,120
"The Conners" is
recorded in front of
a live studio audience.
52
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,790
Hey. You guys left Grandpa Ed's
a few hours ago.
53
00:02:28,790 --> 00:02:30,040
What took so long?
54
00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,170
Well, I took him to that
abandoned mall parking lot,
55
00:02:33,170 --> 00:02:35,750
taught him how to
do ice donuts.
56
00:02:35,750 --> 00:02:39,460
We skidded out of the parking
lot onto the sidewalk.
57
00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,540
Scared the hell out of that
mom with that stroller.
58
00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:42,960
Shh!
59
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:46,830
Found a box of Dan's childhood
stuff at the house.
60
00:02:46,830 --> 00:02:48,500
Oh, wow.
61
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:50,460
I've never seen anything
from when you were a kid.
62
00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:52,420
I can't believe
your dad held on to this.
63
00:02:52,420 --> 00:02:54,040
I don't think he wanted
to hang on to it.
64
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,170
"Anything in this box,
50 cents"
65
00:02:56,170 --> 00:02:59,880
gives you a pretty good idea
of his emotional attachment.
66
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:02,210
I tried to give him
the old man's car,
but he wouldn't take it.
67
00:03:02,210 --> 00:03:03,580
I don't want his car.
68
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:05,920
He treated the car
better than he treated me.
69
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,420
This may come as
a shock to you all,
70
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:08,710
'cause he hides it so well,
71
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,250
but Dan didn't have the best
relationship with our dad.
72
00:03:11,250 --> 00:03:13,080
What?
What?!
What? No!
73
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,670
[ Rubber band snaps ]
You got me there, Bub.
74
00:03:15,670 --> 00:03:17,670
You want a cup of coffee
and some cookies, Uncle Ed?
75
00:03:17,670 --> 00:03:19,580
Yeah. And you don't
have to call me Uncle.
76
00:03:19,580 --> 00:03:21,420
Makes me feel old.
77
00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:23,420
Here's your coffee,
Uncle Ed!
78
00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:30,000
Is this cookie soft enough
for your dentures?!
79
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,500
Have your fun. I'll pretend
to be the old uncle.
80
00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:37,120
Oh, he's confused again!
81
00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,920
He doesn't know that
he's related to us!
82
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,170
Hey! You guys
should knock it off.
83
00:03:43,170 --> 00:03:44,960
He's barely related to us.
84
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,960
No, Harris,
we talked about this.
85
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,540
You cannot date
your uncle.
86
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,620
I'm so sick of this family
and all of its crazy rules.
87
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:56,380
What's this?
Can I have it?
88
00:03:56,380 --> 00:03:57,750
Stop being so rude.
89
00:03:57,750 --> 00:03:59,620
I want it.
90
00:03:59,620 --> 00:04:01,080
What is it?
91
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,080
It's nothing. That's mine.
I-It shouldn't be in here.
92
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,960
Oh!
That's not nothing.
93
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,330
It's your college diploma.
94
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,460
You didn't mention
you went to college.
95
00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:10,120
It's no big deal.
96
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:11,330
What'd you major in?
97
00:04:11,330 --> 00:04:12,830
Environmental Science.
98
00:04:12,830 --> 00:04:14,620
Ooh, I hope
the government brings that back.
99
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:19,000
I hope those jobs pay good.
100
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,620
You got to be drowning in
student loans, huh?
101
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:23,330
I'll be alright.
102
00:04:26,170 --> 00:04:28,000
Hey, do that thing
when I'm old again
and I can't hear good.
103
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:29,210
That was really funny.
104
00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:32,460
The old man paid for
your college, didn't he?
105
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,460
Yeah, he did.
106
00:04:37,580 --> 00:04:38,710
Good for you.
107
00:04:41,620 --> 00:04:46,210
♪♪
108
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,790
[ French accent ]
You think you would be more
comfortable waiting at the bar?
109
00:04:57,790 --> 00:04:59,170
Mm.
110
00:04:59,170 --> 00:05:00,750
You can drop
the phony French accent, Pete.
111
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:02,380
I don't know
if you remember this,
112
00:05:02,380 --> 00:05:05,080
but I used to babysit you
when you were, say, "cinq."
113
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:06,960
So you're not getting
the table.
114
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,250
Merci, garçon.
115
00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:17,380
I can't believe how
rude they're being
116
00:05:17,380 --> 00:05:19,670
just because your friend
is a little delayed.
117
00:05:19,670 --> 00:05:21,210
Would you care
to join us?
118
00:05:21,210 --> 00:05:22,920
Oh, no,
that's very nice of you,
119
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:24,710
but my date should be
here any second.
120
00:05:24,710 --> 00:05:26,170
He's a teacher,
121
00:05:26,170 --> 00:05:29,040
so he's probably turning
some child's life around.
122
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,920
Of course.
But it'd be our pleasure.
123
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,750
And you could
break the tie for us.
124
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,380
We're having a debate about
that couple over there.
125
00:05:36,380 --> 00:05:38,790
I say esteemed publisher
and aspiring young novelist.
126
00:05:38,790 --> 00:05:40,460
I say hooker and john.
127
00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:41,830
[ Laughs ]
128
00:05:41,830 --> 00:05:43,580
Oh, there's no way
that man's a hooker.
129
00:05:43,580 --> 00:05:45,170
[ Laughter ]
130
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,250
Hey.
131
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:50,790
Uh, ok--
Well, I-I don't know.
132
00:05:50,790 --> 00:05:52,080
I guess I could join you.
[ Chuckles ]
133
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,000
This is the first time I've
tried using a dating app.
134
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,040
Oh, those apps have changed
everything, right?
135
00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,120
I can turn the light on
in my guest bedroom.
136
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,000
Watch this.
137
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,330
Hmm.
Uh-oh! [ Chuckles ]
138
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:05,960
I just opened
the garage door.
139
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:07,210
Uh-oh.
[ Chuckles ]
140
00:06:07,210 --> 00:06:08,620
There go the cats.
141
00:06:08,620 --> 00:06:09,620
[ Laughs ]
142
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:10,790
Fix this,
would you, honey?
143
00:06:10,790 --> 00:06:12,210
[ Chuckles ]
144
00:06:12,210 --> 00:06:13,790
Oh, crap.
I started the car.
145
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,210
[ Laughs ]
146
00:06:15,210 --> 00:06:16,710
Well, it's good
the garage door is open.
147
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,960
[ Laughter ]
148
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,290
You two are so cute.
149
00:06:19,290 --> 00:06:21,040
[ Chuckles ]
We are, right?
150
00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:23,620
By the way, I'm Ron.
151
00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:24,750
This is my lovely bride
of thirty years, Janelle.
152
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:25,830
Oh.
Hi.
153
00:06:25,830 --> 00:06:27,290
Hi. I'm Jackie.
154
00:06:27,290 --> 00:06:29,290
And I want to buy both of you
another glass of wine
155
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:31,620
for being so kind to me.
156
00:06:31,620 --> 00:06:34,080
Oh, they have my favorite
wine -- "house."
157
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,540
[ Laughter ]
158
00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:37,290
Alright, but if you're
gonna be buying the wine,
159
00:06:37,290 --> 00:06:39,580
then you're gonna have to join
us for karaoke after dinner.
160
00:06:39,580 --> 00:06:41,120
Oh, I love karaoke!
161
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,790
I do a fantastic
"Thriller."
162
00:06:42,790 --> 00:06:45,000
You know, not many people
do the dance moves.
163
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,420
[ Laughs ]
That's great!
164
00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:49,580
We finally have a third
for "Love Shack"!
165
00:06:49,580 --> 00:06:50,830
Ohh!
166
00:06:50,830 --> 00:06:53,420
♪ The love shack,
baby, yeah ♪
167
00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:56,120
Love shack, baby!
[ Laughs ]
168
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,960
My God, is it just me, or do we
sound better than the original?
169
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:01,580
Just you.
170
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:05,830
♪♪
171
00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:09,080
Thanks for keeping an eye
on Aunt Darlene.
172
00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:13,250
She's doing
girl push-ups?
173
00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,330
I thought you had to be
a girl to do those.
174
00:07:16,330 --> 00:07:18,080
Tell Beverly Rose
to get off my ass.
175
00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:20,040
I'm doing the best I can.
176
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,460
You know, if you
just tell your kids
177
00:07:21,460 --> 00:07:23,210
that you're thinking
about having a baby,
178
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:26,710
you could work out
in front of the TV,
like a normal person.
179
00:07:26,710 --> 00:07:29,880
It's not worth answering all
those questions until it's real.
180
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:31,420
Plus, I'm trying to
avoid junk food,
181
00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:34,000
and most of it's
in the carpet downstairs.
182
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,040
[ Knock on door ]
183
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,830
Hey.
You got a minute?
184
00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:39,500
Hey, Harris.
What are you doing up here?
185
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,540
I came to see which insurance
plan you have for me.
186
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:43,790
I can buy one at work,
and I wanna see if it's better.
187
00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:46,880
Okay, well,
you don't have one here,
188
00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:47,920
so that one's better.
189
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,170
What were you doing
on the floor?
190
00:07:51,170 --> 00:07:52,620
Were you exercising?
191
00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:53,790
You never exercise.
192
00:07:53,790 --> 00:07:55,670
Hey, your mother
was an athlete.
193
00:07:55,670 --> 00:07:58,250
When she was a kid,
she played basketball.
194
00:07:58,250 --> 00:08:00,500
You're 2 feet tall.
195
00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:02,710
Who would you play against,
Alvin and the Chipmunks?
196
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,960
Seriously, why are you
doing this?
197
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,210
I...just want to
get swole, dawg.
198
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,670
Ew.
199
00:08:11,670 --> 00:08:13,540
You'll tell me the truth,
right, Becky?
200
00:08:13,540 --> 00:08:15,420
Come on, Beverly Rose.
201
00:08:15,420 --> 00:08:17,540
Nothing good is gonna
happen here.
202
00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:20,170
Thank you, Becky.
203
00:08:21,750 --> 00:08:23,170
[ Sighs ]
204
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,540
Alright, um...
205
00:08:25,540 --> 00:08:29,670
you're mature enough for me
to just put this out there.
206
00:08:29,670 --> 00:08:31,000
[ Sighs ]
207
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,790
Ben and I are...
thinking about having a baby.
208
00:08:34,830 --> 00:08:36,250
How do you feel about that?
209
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:40,880
You're old
and it's embarrassing, but...
210
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,000
I don't care, 'cause I don't
have to live here anymore.
211
00:08:44,330 --> 00:08:46,210
Let's always talk.
Just like this.
212
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,120
If I'm not doing
anything else.
213
00:08:52,580 --> 00:08:54,580
I know you took the good
bath towel to your apartment.
214
00:08:54,580 --> 00:08:55,750
Bring it back.
215
00:08:55,750 --> 00:08:58,210
[ Scoffs ] You got
bigger problems than that.
216
00:08:58,210 --> 00:09:00,620
Mom and Ben
are gonna have a baby.
217
00:09:00,620 --> 00:09:01,460
What?!
218
00:09:01,460 --> 00:09:02,830
Why?!
219
00:09:02,830 --> 00:09:05,500
Because she's insane.
220
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,790
She's like a thousand years old
and frail.
221
00:09:09,460 --> 00:09:11,250
Well, then I got to
tell her not to do it.
222
00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:12,790
She doesn't care
what you say.
223
00:09:12,790 --> 00:09:14,710
Mom's having a new baby.
You're out.
224
00:09:14,710 --> 00:09:17,080
♪♪
225
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,620
Wow! Are those
from the math teacher?
226
00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:24,380
No!
He stood me up.
227
00:09:24,380 --> 00:09:25,830
Oh, they're --
228
00:09:25,830 --> 00:09:27,500
they're from
Ron and Janelle.
229
00:09:28,710 --> 00:09:30,790
A nice couple I met
who let me sit at their table
230
00:09:30,790 --> 00:09:32,500
so I wouldn't be
humiliated.
231
00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:34,710
A couple sent you flowers?
232
00:09:34,710 --> 00:09:35,880
That's odd.
233
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,120
Where else did you sit?
234
00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:40,670
Oh, stop that.
They're nice people.
235
00:09:40,670 --> 00:09:42,120
We had fun together.
236
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,000
They sent you red roses.
237
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,170
That's romantic.
238
00:09:45,170 --> 00:09:46,210
Don't be ridiculo--
239
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:47,920
They've been married
for thirty years.
240
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,330
They're regular
one-person-at-a-time people.
241
00:09:51,580 --> 00:09:54,830
"Can't wait to visit
the Love Shack with you again"?
242
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:57,580
Sounds like pile-of-people-
at-a-time people.
243
00:09:57,580 --> 00:10:00,670
Oh, my God,
we sang that song at karaoke.
244
00:10:00,670 --> 00:10:02,380
And then we went
and got hot chocolate,
245
00:10:02,380 --> 00:10:05,290
and then we walked along
the Lanford River,
246
00:10:05,290 --> 00:10:06,920
and then they walked me
to my car,
247
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,500
and they said they
had a wonderful time
248
00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:10,290
and that they'd like
to see me again.
249
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,750
That's a date.
250
00:10:13,750 --> 00:10:15,580
They want you to be
part of a thrupple.
251
00:10:15,580 --> 00:10:17,000
What?
No, they don't.
252
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:18,080
What is that?
253
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,080
It's the fun
of a threesome
254
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,330
with the drudgery
of a relationship.
255
00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,380
Becky, I'm not gonna
stand here
256
00:10:25,380 --> 00:10:26,880
and listen to you
jump to conclusions.
257
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,620
I have to get ready to meet
them at dance class.
258
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:32,000
The three of us
are going to tango.
259
00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:37,580
See ya!
260
00:10:37,580 --> 00:10:39,880
♪♪
261
00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:41,580
Hey, buddy.
262
00:10:41,580 --> 00:10:43,580
Ready for a little
piano lesson?
263
00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:45,500
No.
I wanna talk to you.
264
00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:47,670
Why are you forcing
my mom to have a baby?
265
00:10:47,670 --> 00:10:49,960
Whoa!
266
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,500
I...don't know who
told you that,
267
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:55,420
but I am not forcing
your mom to have a baby.
268
00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:56,960
Is she forcing you?
269
00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:02,080
Well, no.
270
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,960
It had to be
somebody's idea.
271
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,710
Nobody just does that
kind of thing for fun.
272
00:11:05,710 --> 00:11:07,920
[ Chuckles ]
273
00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:09,170
Ahh.
274
00:11:12,330 --> 00:11:15,540
All I can say is that
we love each other, okay?
275
00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:17,790
And we're just thinking
about having a baby.
276
00:11:17,790 --> 00:11:19,250
You're a liar.
277
00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:21,750
She's not gonna turn down
having a baby with you.
278
00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:23,380
You're the hottest guy
she's ever dated.
279
00:11:26,210 --> 00:11:29,540
Hey, the liar comment
is hurtful.
280
00:11:29,540 --> 00:11:34,120
But I can't argue
with you that...
281
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,080
I am the hottest guy
she's ever dated.
282
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,460
It's weird
when you say it.
283
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:41,460
Okay, but, look,
I am pretty sure
284
00:11:41,460 --> 00:11:43,580
that your mom does not want me
talking to you about this.
285
00:11:43,580 --> 00:11:46,960
But [Inhales deeply]
I'm just gonna go on and...
286
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,500
jump into the old "dad waters"
for the first time here.
287
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,120
[ Chuckles ]
288
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,460
Uh...
289
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,880
you're worried that
if we have a new baby
290
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:57,920
that you won't have a place
in this family.
291
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,290
But you will.
292
00:11:59,290 --> 00:12:01,540
You'll be a big brother,
hot shot.
293
00:12:01,540 --> 00:12:04,040
"Dad waters" is not a thing,
you idiot.
294
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:08,920
Don't tell your mom we talked.
295
00:12:10,210 --> 00:12:12,080
Or that I said "dad waters."
296
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:18,120
What are you doing here?
297
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,040
You're supposed to be helping
Ed Jr. over at your dad's house.
298
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,000
We pretty much
finished the drywall.
299
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,920
He can handle it
from there.
300
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,920
He's a smart kid.
301
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,250
He went to college.
302
00:12:29,250 --> 00:12:32,830
Oh, so, that's
what this is about.
303
00:12:32,830 --> 00:12:36,790
I saw your face when Ed Jr. said
Grandpa paid for his college.
304
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:40,210
You're so good at reading my
face, what's it saying now?
305
00:12:40,210 --> 00:12:44,540
It says you think you
got a raw deal.
306
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:47,830
And your eyebrow
is telling me you want pie.
307
00:12:47,830 --> 00:12:50,170
Eh, that's easy.
I always want pie.
308
00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:53,120
Nope.
309
00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:55,710
You can't eat your feelings
until you tell me what they are.
310
00:12:55,710 --> 00:12:58,580
I don't have any feelings.
You know that.
311
00:12:58,580 --> 00:12:59,830
Uh-oh!
312
00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:02,620
Looks like I have
a heavy whipped cream finger!
313
00:13:02,620 --> 00:13:04,580
Okay, okay!
314
00:13:04,580 --> 00:13:06,790
It would have been nice
to go to college.
315
00:13:06,790 --> 00:13:09,000
You never talked about
wanting to go to college.
316
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,790
There's a lot of things
I don't talk about.
317
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,170
I'm only talking about it now
because of the pie.
318
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:15,790
[ Chuckles ]
319
00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:17,460
I wanted to design cars.
320
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:18,420
Really?
321
00:13:18,420 --> 00:13:19,540
All through high school,
322
00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:22,540
I filled up notebooks
with my design.
323
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,580
My art teacher thought
I really had something.
324
00:13:24,580 --> 00:13:27,290
But the old man
wouldn't give me a dime.
325
00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:29,210
Said I wasn't
college material.
326
00:13:29,210 --> 00:13:30,790
Like he'd know.
327
00:13:30,790 --> 00:13:32,500
So what?
328
00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:35,420
You're gonna punish Ed Jr.
every time you hear
329
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:37,790
about something nice
your dad did for him?
330
00:13:37,790 --> 00:13:39,420
'Cause that's not
his fault.
331
00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:41,420
I know I should let it go,
but I can't.
332
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:43,880
And if I don't, I'm gonna wreck
my relationship with the kid.
333
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:45,330
[ Inhales deeply ]
334
00:13:45,330 --> 00:13:48,500
The only way to let it all go
is [Sighs]
335
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:50,620
to get some kind of closure
with your dad.
336
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:52,750
Yeah.
337
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:55,210
Man, it'd be so much easier
if he was still alive.
338
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,960
I could sit down with him,
hear his side of it,
339
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,620
and punch him
right in the face.
340
00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:04,920
♪♪
341
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:10,000
It was awful nice of you
to treat me to this.
342
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,880
I don't know when's the last
time I had a pedicure.
343
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,960
They took off so much dead skin
I think I went down a shoe size.
344
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,540
[ Laughter ]
345
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:19,710
Listen, you guys have paid
for everything this week,
346
00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:22,080
and I'm starting to feel
like maybe I owe you,
347
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:24,540
hmm, I don't know, money.
348
00:14:26,580 --> 00:14:27,830
Nonsense.
349
00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:29,920
It's nice to have
someone to spoil.
350
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:32,620
Our kids are grown, and, well,
we don't like them.
351
00:14:32,620 --> 00:14:34,290
[ Laughs ]
352
00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:37,420
And we just can't imagine
not having you around.
353
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:41,250
Oh, would you look at that.
354
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:46,880
Jackie, this is awkward because
we've never done this before,
355
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,540
so we're just gonna say it.
356
00:14:48,540 --> 00:14:50,670
We want to invite you into
our relationship.
357
00:14:50,670 --> 00:14:53,500
Which right now feels like the
most natural thing in the world.
358
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,330
Uh...
359
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:02,040
There's the other one.
360
00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:04,330
So, we were looking for
the right person,
361
00:15:04,330 --> 00:15:07,000
and then, out of the blue,
you found us.
362
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,290
Oh. Well, I've never found
an "us" before,
363
00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:12,040
but [Laughs] here "us" is.
364
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,460
[ Laughter ]
365
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:15,670
It's kind of a surprise.
366
00:15:15,670 --> 00:15:16,920
Really?
367
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,500
The red roses,
the Love Shack, the locket...?
368
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,080
Oh, this is a locket?
369
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,330
Oh, and it opens up!
370
00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:25,170
And there's the three of us.
371
00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:29,120
So, what do you say,
Jackie?
372
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,710
Do you have room
in your life for us?
373
00:15:30,710 --> 00:15:33,170
Well, it's -- it's
a big decision.
374
00:15:33,170 --> 00:15:35,080
Do I have a little time
to think about it?
375
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:35,830
Of course.
376
00:15:35,830 --> 00:15:37,170
It's important to us
377
00:15:37,170 --> 00:15:39,080
that you want this
as much as we do.
378
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,920
Well, I will say, if I brought
you both home to meet my mother,
379
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,210
it would kill her,
so [Chuckles]
380
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:46,670
that's a big check in
the plus column...
381
00:15:46,670 --> 00:15:49,250
[ Laughter ]
382
00:15:49,250 --> 00:15:51,170
Oh, you are so...
383
00:15:51,170 --> 00:15:54,920
♪♪
384
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,620
Hey, buddy.
Whatcha doing?
385
00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:58,080
Stress-ironing.
386
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,500
I talked to Ben,
and he told me
387
00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:07,210
that you're worried about
a new baby coming into our lives
388
00:16:07,210 --> 00:16:08,620
and what that
means for you.
389
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:13,120
And I just want to tell you that
everything is gonna be fine.
390
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,460
You're gonna die.
391
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:17,040
What?
392
00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:22,170
Women in their forties
have the highest risk
393
00:16:22,170 --> 00:16:23,920
of dying in childbirth.
394
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,830
Strokes, kidney failure,
hemorrhaging,
395
00:16:25,830 --> 00:16:28,040
infections,
pre-eclampsia --
396
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,460
Don't know what that is, but it
happens right before eclampsia.
397
00:16:33,210 --> 00:16:35,750
Alright. Slow down.
398
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:36,880
Where did you get this?
399
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,420
There's a lot of crazy
stuff on the Internet.
400
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:42,290
The Mayo Clinic, the American
Medical Association,
401
00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:44,080
and the National
Institutes of Health.
402
00:16:45,580 --> 00:16:47,210
Oh. Maybe I better
have a look at that.
403
00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:50,330
Well, what happens
if you die
404
00:16:50,330 --> 00:16:53,790
and I-I hate the baby
because it killed you?
405
00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:56,670
And then I have to take care
of a baby that I hate?
406
00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:58,960
You think I'm gonna send
a kid like that to college?
407
00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:03,460
Mark,
take a breath, okay?
408
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:04,960
[ Both inhale deeply ]
409
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,290
[ Both exhale deeply ]
410
00:17:06,290 --> 00:17:08,210
I'm not gonna die.
411
00:17:08,210 --> 00:17:11,080
Alright? I'm a Conner.
We don't just drop dead.
412
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,080
We break down early,
and we linger
413
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,080
so that we're a burden
to the next generation.
414
00:17:17,750 --> 00:17:20,080
Nana Bev is a burden
to Aunt Jackie,
415
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,250
your grandpa will be
a burden to me,
416
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:25,960
and I will be a burden to you
for a long, long time.
417
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,290
You can't guarantee that
you're gonna be okay.
418
00:17:30,290 --> 00:17:32,920
Mark, look, the numbers
say the odds of me
419
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:37,040
dying in childbirth are
one-hundredth of one-percent.
420
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,040
Guess that's not a lot.
421
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,380
Yeah.
422
00:17:40,380 --> 00:17:43,080
You're totally worried
about the wrong thing.
423
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,460
Okay?
424
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:46,330
You don't need to
worry about me dying.
425
00:17:46,330 --> 00:17:49,210
It's much more likely that I'll
love the new baby more than you.
426
00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:53,330
Seriously?
427
00:17:53,330 --> 00:17:54,710
Look at me.
That's not possible.
428
00:17:54,710 --> 00:17:56,040
[ Chuckles ]
429
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:57,460
Uh, how do you know?
430
00:17:57,460 --> 00:17:58,880
We haven't seen
the baby yet.
431
00:17:58,880 --> 00:18:01,170
And Ben is the hottest guy
I've ever dated.
432
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:05,000
♪♪
433
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,080
Okay.
This was Dad's spot.
434
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,040
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
435
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,880
You gonna tell me why
we drove all the way
out here in Dad's car?
436
00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,500
I just wanted to see
where he used to come
to sit and think.
437
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:16,040
I get it.
438
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,540
It's so deserted,
439
00:18:17,540 --> 00:18:19,710
you could scream out here
and nobody'd hear ya.
440
00:18:21,830 --> 00:18:23,120
Okay.
441
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,500
Look, I know you're really mad
about the whole college thing.
442
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:31,580
Yeah, I got to tell you,
it got to me.
443
00:18:31,580 --> 00:18:34,250
Every time I hear about all
the good stuff he did for you,
444
00:18:34,250 --> 00:18:38,250
all this rage and resentment
comes boiling up again.
445
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:39,880
I gotta
put an end to it.
446
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,540
Alright, look, it is not
my fault what he did for me.
447
00:18:42,540 --> 00:18:44,750
Alright, but if
you wanna go,
448
00:18:44,750 --> 00:18:47,500
take your best shot,
but I'm a biter.
449
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,330
[ Laughs ]
450
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,380
I didn't come here
to fight you.
451
00:18:52,380 --> 00:18:55,500
I appreciate you giving me
the car, man.
452
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:57,210
Well, why don't we go
back into the car,
453
00:18:57,210 --> 00:18:58,920
where it's warm,
and talk about it?
454
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,620
No can do.
455
00:19:00,620 --> 00:19:02,420
I already lit the fuse.
456
00:19:02,420 --> 00:19:03,960
[ Chuckles ]
457
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:06,580
What?
458
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,210
I loaded up the trunk
with fireworks,
459
00:19:10,210 --> 00:19:11,540
illegal stuff
from Michigan.
460
00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:14,290
I got something called
a Patriot's Candle.
461
00:19:14,290 --> 00:19:16,080
It's basically just
a stick of dynamite.
462
00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:19,290
So, we drove all
the way out here
463
00:19:19,290 --> 00:19:20,960
with a trunk
full of explosives?
464
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,540
[ Explosion, glass shatters ]
465
00:19:25,670 --> 00:19:28,380
Holy crap,
that's really cool.
466
00:19:28,380 --> 00:19:30,500
Yeah, it was.
467
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,710
I feel better.
468
00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:37,040
Just had to exorcise
some demons.
469
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:40,250
I had to get closure
with Dad
470
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:43,790
to keep him from screwing up
our relationship.
471
00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:45,790
And he loved that car.
472
00:19:49,830 --> 00:19:51,170
Hey.
473
00:19:54,670 --> 00:19:56,290
Whoo!
Whoo!
474
00:19:56,290 --> 00:19:57,290
What?
475
00:19:57,290 --> 00:19:58,960
Stop!
476
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,290
It's just me.
477
00:20:00,290 --> 00:20:03,420
Ron and Janelle paid for it,
but, uh...
478
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:06,710
Becky, you were right.
They want a thrupple.
479
00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:08,580
I'm guessing
that's a couple
480
00:20:08,580 --> 00:20:11,080
plus one person who's wearing
someone else's hair?
481
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:12,540
No.
482
00:20:12,540 --> 00:20:14,830
It's when three people
have an equal relationship,
483
00:20:14,830 --> 00:20:16,250
just like a couple.
484
00:20:16,250 --> 00:20:17,790
Are you actually
considering this?
485
00:20:17,790 --> 00:20:19,250
Maybe.
486
00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:21,790
I mean, they're fun,
they treat me with respect.
487
00:20:21,790 --> 00:20:23,580
When's the last time
I had that?
488
00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:25,670
I think that
Ron and Janelle
489
00:20:25,670 --> 00:20:28,000
might be the person I've been
looking for all this time.
490
00:20:30,290 --> 00:20:32,210
Are you sure you're
ready for this?
491
00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:35,080
What happens when Ron wants
to have sex with you?
492
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,960
Or Janelle?
493
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,790
Or Ron and Janelle?
494
00:20:38,790 --> 00:20:40,580
Um...
495
00:20:40,580 --> 00:20:42,830
I'll deal with that when
we go up to our lake house
496
00:20:42,830 --> 00:20:44,500
in Door County
next weekend.
497
00:20:45,710 --> 00:20:48,290
♪♪
498
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,790
You know, it's a shame
there's no pictures of us
together when I was a baby.
499
00:20:54,790 --> 00:20:57,580
[ Chuckling ] I remember
the first time I babysat you.
500
00:20:57,580 --> 00:20:58,460
You were easy.
501
00:20:59,830 --> 00:21:02,750
D.J., see if there's any
frozen waffles in the freezer.
502
00:21:02,750 --> 00:21:05,120
[ Ed Jr. crying ]
503
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:08,040
Crystal's list didn't say
anything about frozen waffles.
504
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,710
[ As Boris Karloff ]
That's because she doesn't
know the secret.
505
00:21:10,710 --> 00:21:12,460
[ Normal voice ]
There you go.
506
00:21:12,460 --> 00:21:15,210
Chew on this for a while,
Little Ed.
507
00:21:15,210 --> 00:21:17,290
Yeah, that's gonna make
those gums feel better.
508
00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:18,960
Hmm?
509
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:20,210
Ugh.
510
00:21:20,210 --> 00:21:22,290
He's slobbering.
511
00:21:22,290 --> 00:21:23,750
Well, that's why
I use a waffle.
512
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,830
It's got all those
built-in drool cups.
36940
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