Original subtitles

You know, you could at least knock before you barge in.

Al, you know the rule.

No boys in the room.

Oh, yeah?

Then what do you call that?

I'm not a boy. I'm a man.

[LAUGHTER]

Seriously, Al, get out.

Okay, where am I supposed to go

for a little privacy, the closet?

J.T.: It's taken.

Hi. I'm Jessica.

Thanks for letting us use your closet.

Mm-hmm.

J.T.!

Out of your mind?

You can't have a date in our closet.

Hey, well, we wanted to use the room,

but Al and Mr. Smoochy Face showed up,

so we had to improvise,

and, believe me, we did.

Look, it is my room. I am the oldest.

Now get out, or I'm gonna have to get ugly.

It's too late.

Oh, look, a party.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, listen, Al,

could you cover for me at the salon tomorrow?

I'm supposed to open up for Mom,

but I have to buy a scarf to match my new shoes.

I think you see my dilemma.

Look, Karen, you can just take that key and--

And you can just give it right to Al.

I mean, darn it, we're family.

Doesn't that mean anything to anybody anymore?

What?

You come with me, missy. You need a good talking to.

Don't worry about her. I'll straighten her out.

J.T., why should I cover for Karen?

Because this is the key to the love shack.

What are you talking about?

Al, during the day, it's a salon,

but at night when nobody's there,

it's like having your own apartment.

We could trade off nights.

You and Drew can go up there one night,

and then me and, uh-- what's the name of the girl I was making out with?

-Jessica? -Right, Jessica.

Me and Jessica, we can go there the next night.

J.T., I never thought I'd say this, but you are a genius.

Yes, I am.

Well, how did Jean-Luc take it

when you told him he was coming over here for a blind date?

Uh, I never told him.

You didn't tell him?

Honey, he's coming over here now.

I know. I know.

But I knew if I told him he was being fixed up,

he probably wouldn't show up,

so I thought it would be better

if I just, you know, surprised him.

Oh, Carol, I don't think that's a good idea.

I mean, come on.

Why is it that every time you women

see some poor guy roaming around free

you feel he's gotta get roped in?

Roped in?

Is that how you feel about our relationship, Frank,

that I roped you in?

Well, roped in isn't what I meant.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Oh, Carol.

I adore these American family barbecues.

The greasy, fat-filled hamburger.

And these, these little, yellow slices

of individually-wrapped petroleum

that you naively call "cheese."

And for dessert, a marshmallow burned to a crisp

on a filthy, dirty, stick from a tree.

[AMERICAN ACCENT] Now that's good eatin'.

Now where is the rest of your barbecue-loving family?

Um, actually it's just gonna be you, me, Frank,

and a woman named Julie who's, uh, gonna be sitting next to you.

But it's not a date.

Carol, you promised you would not try to fix me up

with a woman until I told you I was ready.

I know. I know.

But yesterday at the salon I saw you fondling a wig

just a little too long, and...

I thought, "This man is ready."

But, Carol, this is like a blind date.

I feel trapped.

Ooh, don't go there.

Frank, tell her how wrong this is.

Yeah, well, I'd love to help you out,

but it gets real lonely sleeping by myself.

Tell me about it.

Well, listen, you French have to learn to stand on your own, okay?

Listen, Miss Love Connection,

this will never, ever work.

Why not?

Because I don't even remember what to do on a date.

You know when was the last time I had a date?

I'll tell you.

We went to see Police Academy 1.

Okay, so it was a long time ago,

but I've seen you around women.

You're very charming.

Ah, yes, on the outside,

of course I'm suave, masculine...

Virile love predator...

with a touch of boyish charm

and just a-- just a hint of the kinky.

But that's just a facade,

a veil, a mask,

a cheap toupee I put over the bald spot of my life.

Hey, come on.

I know you're a little nervous,

but, you know, you gotta start dating sooner or later.

Now, you see, what you're saying makes sense.

Except for one thing.

-What? -I'm leaving.

No, Jean-Luc--

Hi, I'm Julie. You must be Jean-Luc.

No, I'm Ed from Roto-Rooter.

I just came over to snake out the toilets.

I'd shake hands with you,

but my arm has been halfway to China and back.

See ya.

He's such a kidder. Jean-Luc!

[LAUGHS]

Jean-Luc. This is Jean-Luc, and he is so glad to meet you.

[STIFLED LAUGH]

Yeah, no problem being alone in here.

Yeah.

[DANA GIGGLES]

You know what I would really like to do?

Oh, if there's a God in Heaven, yes!

I would like to shampoo you.

[BOTH SCREAM]

What are you doing here?

Nothing. Now that you're here.

What's your excuse?

Oh, J.T., uh, told me about your little love shack here,

and he gave me a copy of the key.

Okay, um, all right, we can make this work.

Look, we'll take the main room,

and you and Mr. Bubbles can, uh, take the shampoo room.

Fine.

J.T.: Here we are.

Hey, Al, bud. Y'all remember, uh, Jessica, right?

Great, now beat it.

-You wish. -Yeah, we were here first.

Look, Al, listen, I know I told you tonight was your night,

but Jessica has to work tomorrow, okay?

So we're gonna have to do a little rescheduling, so how's this?

Uh, I get it tonight,

and I don't really care about anything else.

-You guys can work that out, all right? -Oh, no...

[ALL ARGUING]

J.T., what's going on, man?

I ran into, like, six other people who have a key to this place.

Now, you told me this would be my own private paradise.

Sorry, pal. Paradise is all booked up tonight.

Uh, excuse me, buddy.

Hi. Um, how many other people

did you give a copy of the key to?

Just a few close friends.

How few?

Anyone who had ten bucks.

[ALL ARGUING]

What is going on here?

Hello? What is going on?

I don't believe this.

Josh and I were walking down the street,

and we see everybody having a party in here.

Yeah, well, J.T. sold the key to, like, a million people

so they could just use this place like a den of iniquity.

Cool.

Look, J.T., either I get to be alone with Donna,

or I want my money back.

Yeah, man, you ripped us off. Pay up.

[ALL ARGUING]

Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute.

I got an idea.

All right? Let's see. All right.

I'll use the money for food and stuff.

We'll have a major party.

-Huh? -Right on.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I'm the man. Yeah!

Can I ask you a question, Frank?

Sure.

What's going on?

Every time I try to talk to Jean-Luc,

he runs into the kitchen to help Carol.

It's like he's trying to avoid me.

Oh, no, no, he-- he's not avoiding you.

He, um, he likes to cook.

JEAN-LUC: No! No. No. I will not go out there.

I don't-- no. You invite her, you go out there.

You go out there. But I cannot go out there!

I cannot face it! No!

[METAL CLANG]

Jean-Luc, would you come sit out here please?

Okay.

Frank, could you come in the kitchen

and help me with something for a minute?

-Oh, yeah. -I will be right back. Just one moment.

Well, this will give us a chance to talk.

Okay, I'll start. Um, I'm from Chicago.

Where-- where are you from?

Uh, France. France.

Oh.

I think I'll just, uh, go check the grill.

No, do-- do people barbecue in France?

Uh, only Joan of Arc.

That's very funny.

Whoa!

I think that will lock in the natural juices.

[COUGHS]

It's all ready.

Yeah, uh, it's, uh, probably going to be

just a tad crunchy on the outside,

but I don't see the--

Uh, uh, just don't mind my fingers.

It's just a funny, funny American bun.

They don't quite fit, but anyway,

I don't think it's anything that a little bit of barbecue sauce won't fix.

-Eh? No? -Sure.

-[SCREAMS] -Oh! Oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, oh... Where is the napkin?

Oh, I-- I'm so-- so sorry.

Oh, it's all over, and it's-- it's--

Sorry, off-- off-sides. Off-sides.

Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc, calm down.

Oh, look, I know, it's not easy being fixed up.

I'm-- I'm a little nervous too.

No, I'm not nervous.

I, uh... [SCOFFS]

I-I-I-I'm just, uh, not nervous,

because, you know, I-- I am Jean-Luc.

You know what I am? I'm a devil may care--

-I'm sorry. -Oh.

-It got me a little bit. -No, look...

That was a little bit, uh-- hurt me a little bit.

Okay, look, if this blind date thing isn't working out, okay,

just-- just say so.

I mean, you don't have to be so uptight.

I am not uptight. I'm loose.

And I'm loose as a goose.

And, you know, you are a very loose woman.

I mean-- I mean, uh, uh...

I-- that come out wrong.

But, no, really, uh, no, I mean, you're beautiful.

You got this, uh, splatter film thing going

that's very, very--

and, uh, I like your perfume.

I don't know what it is. May I ask?

I mean, it's delightful, yet strangely smoky.

You're on fire.

"You're On Fire."

My goodness, that's a bizarre name for a perfume,

but, then again, so is Joop.

No, Jean-Luc, you're on fire!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Jean-Luc!

[CONTINUES SCREAMING]

Watch it. Watch it.

So, uh, whereabouts in Chicago are you from?

Thank you for lending me your clothes, Frank.

Feel kind of like a homeboy, you know.

I, uh, think I found your wallet, Jean-Luc.

Thank you.

Now let's get out back and join the ladies. Come on.

No, Frank. Frank, I'm not going out there after what happened.

Oh, come on, Jean-Luc. That was an accident.

People have slip-ups like that all the time.

Frank, I set my buttocks on fire.

Well, that's something you usually wanna try and avoid

on a first date, yeah.

I made a total fool of myself.

Jean-Luc, listen.

I-- I know it's hard to start dating

when you've just been through a divorce,

but you gotta give it a shot.

I mean, once you get past being nervous,

you might actually have a good time.

Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Frank,

because you already have found the perfect woman in Carol.

Well, that's what makes it worth the risk.

Somewhere out there is a woman as perfect for you

as Carol is for me.

Really?

Think there's someone for me as perfect as Carol?

Sure, but you're never gonna find her

unless you get out there and try.

And you can get out there and try.

Okay.

Thank you, Frank. Thank you.

Hey.

You know, it's been so long since I hug anybody.

God, I need a woman.

Well, we just about got everything cleaned up.

I'll just go out back and, uh, help Carol.

Listen, again, I am--

I am so, so sorry about, uh, your blouse.

It's okay, really.

No, no, no. It's not okay,

but I want to make it up to you,

and not just for the blouse.

For the whole evening.

So, uh...

uh...

uh, would you like to, uh...

-go... -Out?

...to a movie?

-That would be nice. -Oh, really?

Oh, thank you. Oh, that's so nice.

Thank you. If you didn't say yes,

I would have to go outside and set myself on fire again.

Oh!

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't Frank and I go get some takeout,

and you two can just stay here

and get to know each other better?

Oh, that would be super extra fantastic.

Hey, I know. We'll go to the Chinese restaurant right next to the salon.

Oh, that's a good idea. Frank, don't forget.

Tell the chef that you are a friend of Jean-Luc.

He will make you an enormous platter of pu pu.

That come out wrong.

♪ The love shack baby ♪

♪ Love shack, baby love shack ♪

♪ Love shack, baby love shack ♪

♪ Love shack, baby love shack... ♪

You know what is so great about us?

The fact that we cannot keep our hands off one another?

Besides that.

It's the way you get me to loosen up.

I mean, the old me would have been afraid to have this party.

But now I've got a whole new attitude.

You know, we should do this all the time.

I mean, Mom and Frank will never find out.

They don't have the first clue about what's going on.

They might as well be Ross Perot.

Uh, Dana, they're right behind you.

Oh, yeah, they're right behind me.

Ooh, I'm in trouble now.

Rich, I'm 20 years old. What's gonna happen?

My mom's gonna catch me?

Hello, Dana.

Oh, my God, it's Mommy.

[MUSIC STOPS]

All right, anyone here who is not related to me

by blood or marriage, get out of here.

And, you, this is way too much mousse. Get out.

[GRUNTS]

Rich, you can stay.

Oh, good.

All right, would anyone like to tell me how this happened?

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

All right! All right. I get the picture.

I cannot believe...

Rich, how come your head smells like tropical fruit?

and she used this really nice mango rinse--

Never mind, never mind, never mind.

You are all responsible,

so you will all be cleaning up this mess,

and you will all be cleaning this salon every night

for the next three, count 'em, three weeks.

Any questions?

Yeah.

Can we get to the real issue now?

And what, in your mind,

is the real issue?

That this whole thing would have never happened

if we had some privacy and a place to take our dates

so we could, you know, do...things.

Oh.

Oh, I-I-I get it.

So this is really our fault

for not giving you your privacy.

Duh.

You know, Frank, I think I understand.

I mean, after all, it wasn't so long ago

that you and I were teenagers,

and I remember what it was like

to go on a date and want some privacy.

So I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what.

Frank and I will rent an apartment

that you can all share.

You can being your girlfriends and boyfriends

and do whatever you want,

and Frank and I just won't have to know about it.

Really?

No!

Are you crazy?

You want privacy?

Grow up, get a job, move out.

Now clean up this salon!

Nice going, bone head.

-Hey, come on. -Stupid.

No, no, you guys, all right, look.

I'm the oldest. I should have known better.

You guys go, and Rich an I'll clean it up.

Really?

Yeah, buddy, don't worry about it.

We'll take care of it.

What a guy, man. What a guy.

They're so stupid!

Hey, Brendan. Have you seen Lilly?

Yeah, she's in the girl's room with some boy playing doctor.

Lilly, open the door.

LILYY: No, we're playing doctor.

It'll ruin the game.

Lilly, I'm going to count to three,

and then I'm gonna open the door.

One, two, three.

E, O, Z.

Oh. You're playing eye doctor.

Yeah, Mommy. What did you think?

Well, Mommy's just been under a lot of stress lately.