Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

98...

99...

100.

-Okay. Thank you, Mark. -Any time, Frank.

-Hi, Daddy. -Hi, honey.

You're the best daddy in the world.

And I love you.

Will you take me to the park?

Well, of course I will, sweetheart.

Good, because Al said I get a dollar if I get rid of you.

You weren't supposed to say that part. [LAUGHS]

I'm five. Sue me.

Kids. You gotta love 'em. Bye bye.

Yeah, ho, ho. Freeze a minute here, beautiful.

Why are you trying so hard to get rid of me?

-Well, see I have this thing. -No, wait a minute. Let me guess.

You have a date coming over, don't you?

[SIGHS] That's right, and, you know, Dad,

I am really tired of you always giving them a hard time.

When have I ever given your dates a hard time?

Jason came over to pick me up,

and you pushed him against the wall and frisked him.

Well, he was wearing a jacket with a gang logo on it.

It said "Polo."

Frank, you're exhibiting classic paternal behavior.

Your daughter's becoming a woman,

and you're frightened by her budding sexuality.

There ain't nothin' buddin' around here, pal.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Oh, God.

That's Dillon. Dad...

Dad, can you please try to keep

an open mind and be nice?

I am always nice to your dates.

-Hello, sir... -She's not home.

He's no good.

Okay.

Hah! I got the stereo all set up, Mom.

[SIGHS] This is so exciting.

I can't believe in less than 18 hours,

the salon will be open.

[MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]

[FRENCH ACCENT] 'Allo, 'allo, Karen.

Are you playing songs of tranquility again?

No, we don't like that Karen.

You see, Karen, this is very nice music.

Really, it's okay if you want to, you know...

[AMERICAN ACCENT] Mellow out with a fruit smoothie and have a bitchin' summer.

[FRENCH ACCENT] But...

It's not so good, you know, in the salon,

because, uh, we do not want to put the customer to sleep.

When a woman come to Jean-Luc,

you know what she is really looking for?

A haircut?

No.

She's looking, uh, Karen, for the total,

over-powering, sensuous experience

that starts at the top of her head and shivers

and vibrates all the way down to the balls of her foot.

Okay, look. I show you.

[MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]

This better.

This the kind of music.

The pulsating beat that I want a woman to hear

when they come in to the salon.

Because, you know it puts them in the right mood.

Then I come up to her, and I say,

"I love beautiful woman.

"Welcome to Let Your Hair Down.

Let's really let you hair down."

Walk this way.

And then you push them together

onto the hair styling station.

And I turn to her and I say, "I am Jean-Luc.

I will make all of your grooming fantasies come true."

Eagle has landed at base-camp one.

-Afternoon, ma'am. -Uh, good afternoon, but actually, sir, uh,

we're really not open, officially, until tomorrow.

I know that ma'am.

Name is T. Edwin Jarvis. I'm from the White House.

The one in Washington D.C., where the President lives?

Check. President and Mrs. Clinton

will be in town on a political visit tomorrow.

Let's see some I.D.

Mrs. Clinton has always admired Jean-Luc's work.

She's particularly impressed by the way he handled Princess Di, Madonna,

and that "Hey, Vern" guy.

Oh, Jean-Luc is one of the greatest hairdressers in the world.

That's why Mrs. Clinton wants him to do her hair.

Really? [GASPS]

That's fantastic.

Mrs. Clinton says she wants to look like

that cute little Rachel on Friends.

Really?

I mean, yeah, yeah, we could do that.

And how about Bill?

Would Bill like to have his hair cut,

because I could make him look like George Clooney.

No, ma'am.

The President will be showing his support

for small business next door, at Bucket O' Beef.

Woah. That should really boost their receipts.

-[LAUGHS] -Check.

Hillary Clinton!

Bye, Daddy. We're going to the park.

Oh, no, you're not.

Not without a jacket. Get back here.

You know better than that.

Here we go.

Here. There.

This will keep ya nice and warm.

How about you, Al? I haven't seen you all day.

Is everything all right?

-Tell him. -Al's not talking to you.

She says you're a poopy-head.

Al, I'm sorry if I'm scaring off your dates.

But I'm your father.

And if somebody's not good enough for you,

then I'm gonna do what I think is necessary to protect you.

Dad, nobody's good enough for you.

I'm gonna be living here until I'm 45.

Well, if that's how long it takes us to find someone we like,

then we'll wait.

Tell him.

-Poopy-head. -Let's go.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

She says I don't like any guys.

I like Troy Aikman. I like Garth Brooks.

Why doesn't she bring one of them home, hmm?

-Mr. Lambert? -Yeah, that's me.

I'm Pete, from Builder's Mart.

They sent me over with those tile samples you called about.

Oh, yeah. Here, come on in.

I'll take a look at 'em, you can take 'em back.

Sir, are you the Frank Lambert of Lambert Construction?

Yeah, that's me.

I am a huge fan of your work.

That remodel that you did on the old Endicott building was awesome.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, and-and that warehouse that you built downtown...

That is poetry in cinder block.

You really think so?

Absolutely. Your work is genius.

I hope that, someday, I can become a contractor just like you.

Well, you keep your lumber dry and your hammer high,

you might just make it.

Sir, you are the wisest man I have ever met.

Gee, uh, how old are you, Pete?

It is Pete, isn't it?

Oh, yes, sir. I'm 16.

-Sixteen? -Yeah.

Oh, that's good.

Sit down, sit down, Pete.

Tell me, you, uh, you have a girlfriend?

Well, sir, I don't have much time for that.

Well, with school and my job and volunteering at the church.

Hey, Pete, how'd you like to go out on a date?

Where are you going with this, sir?

Oh, no, not... uh... I was, uh...

I was just talking about my daughter.

Would you like to take my daughter out?

-Go out with your daughter? -Yeah.

Sir, I'd be honored.

Well, great.

You wanna see a picture of her?

Not necessary. I mean, if she's your daughter, I'm sure she's "up to code."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS] This is so cool.

I'm actually going to meet Hillary Clinton.

Oh, big-whoop.

Man, I could be at the entertainment event of the century tonight.

Beavis and Butt-Head on Ice.

Rich.

Hillary Clinton has revolutionized the role

-of the First Lady in this country. -Oh, big deal.

Beavis is supposed to skate in, drop his pants, moon the audience,

and Butt-Head goes, "Huh, huh, huh. That's cool."

Why am I dating you?

[SCOFFS]

[GASPS] Oh, yeah.

[GROANS]

Pictures. No more pictures, okay?

Okay. Maybe one more.

From my good side. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, already!

You know, I'm, I'm the only touch of glamour

in their drab, little lives.

They are not here for you, Jean-Luc.

-Didn't you get my message? -I got your message.

I don't know why you're so excited.

You told me the first lady is coming at noon.

I know the first lady is coming at noon.

This is Mrs. Radney's.

She's coming for her pedicure.

Don't forget to charge her extra, she has 12 toes.

No, no no.

Not the first lady customer.

The First Lady.

The First Lady of the United States.

Hillary Clinton is coming here in 20 minutes,

and she wants you to personally cut her hair.

I don't think so.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Jean-Luc, I know this is very sudden

and I know that she is very famous,

-but you can handle this! -No, I cannot.

-Yes, you can! -No, I cannot.

Why not?

Well, you see,

the thing of it is, okay, um...

Okay, uh...

Um, I do not actually...

Cut the hair.

[SCOFFS] You don't cut hair?

[LAUGHS]

Not actually...

I don't cut the hair.

Well, that's crazy.

Before you were divorced, you owned salons all over the world.

I know, but I have hundreds of employee,

and they cut the hair.

Well, what did you do?

I create the over-powering, sensuous experience,

that start at the top of the head and vibrate all the way down

to the balls of the foot.

I do this.

I do this.

But I cannot remember the last time I do like that.

Well, you better start remembering this,

because the First Lady's gonna be here any minute.

-No! No! -Yes! Yes!

-No! No! -Yes!

-No! -Yes!

You know, I don't know... We have a lot invested in this,

-and you're really starting to tick me off! -[GASPS]

-What? -That was so refreshing!

-What? -Ah, see, look, a Clinton!

-The First Lady of the United States. -Oh, no!

-I want to cut her hair! -Yes!

-I want to cut her hair! I want to cut her hair! -Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Eh, not!

No! Jean-Luc!

[YELLS]

Hey, Al?

Al, come on downstairs for a minute, honey.

-What? -Well, uh, Al, I've been thinking.

And, uh, I owe you an apology.

I've been way too picky about the guys you go out with and...

Well, I know that you're a responsible young woman.

You should be able to pick your dates without me hassling you.

-Thank you, Dad. -Hey. [LAUGHS]

And to make up for the way that I've been acting,

I set you up on a date.

-A what? -A date.

-When? -[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Now. -Now?

Now! Now! This is so great.

This guy is just perfect for you.

You're gonna spend the whole day together.

He's perfect.

-Hi, Pete. -Hey, Mr. Lambert.

Al, this is Pete.

What, you two go shopping together?

Yeah, we did.

Yeah, Sears had a big flannel sale.

We got six pairs of matching shirts.

We're set for winter.

How about that all new tool department?

Oh, yeah, Al, the '97s are in.

Tell her about that Powermaster chainsaw.

24 inch sprocket nose.

Adjustable automatic gear-driven chrome cylinder.

Turbo with anti-kickback chain break.

That thing'll cut through a Buick!

-It's better than sex! -[BOTH LAUGH]

Maybe I should just leave you two alone.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't run upstairs. Don't be shy.

I mean, come on, I want you two to go out there

and have a good time.

-Dad... -No, no, no, listen.

You don't have to say thank you.

-No problem there. -No.

Come on now, you two just run along.

Have a good time.

Oh, one thing...

Don't elope on the first date.

I am so good, I scare myself.

Jean-Luc, will you open that door?

JEAN-LUC: Never! This door is impenetrable! It is like a solid steel!

You could not get me out of here with the dynamite!

Jean-Luc!

Hillary Clinton is going to be here any minute.

If you don't get out there, I'm going to drag you out there myself.

Take your best shot, blondie.

-Come on, baby. Oh, yeah. -I can. I am very str...

Wait, I'm scared now.

-I am really petrified now. -Get out there.

-Oh, yeah? I got some muscle. -Yeah.

-Ah! -Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You know, maybe you should think about getting a butt-master.

Okay, that's it. Just forget it. You are impossible.

We have been busting our backs

trying to get this salon together for two months.

And for some stupid reason,

that you won't even talk about,

you're gonna throw it all away.

-Some friend you are. -I am your friend.

You... You know that.

Well, then, will you please,

please tell me why are you doing this?

I don't know.

I guess I think that I would, uh...

I would do a bad job.

Bad job... Why?

Look, I know that a lot of people think

that I am some kind of maybe genius,

but what if I'm not?

What if I'm just, uh,

ravishing-looking but empty-headed continental "'unk?"

'Unk?

Not "unk", "'unk!"

Oh, "hunk."

[SIGHS] That's not true.

You started an entire hair care empire!

No, correction. My wife started a hair care empire.

I'm just the one to come to the door and say,

"'Allo, I'm Jean-Luc. Why don't you pulsate with me right over here."

Oh.

[SIGHS] I get it.

[SIGHS] I understand now.

You are afraid.

You are afraid to cut hair, aren't you?

[SIGHS] Jean-Luc...

You know, Jean-Luc,

when people get a divorce, sometimes they say things

that just aren't true.

You know, when I split from my first husband,

he said that I was stupid.

And that I wouldn't be anything without him.

-[SIGHS] -He said you were stupid?

Yeah. And I believed him because I was feeling so bad about myself.

So, I spent years in a dead-end job,

in a terrible salon.

All because I thought I was too stupid

to start my own business.

You're not stupid.

I know.

You are not a no-talent fraud.

Well, maybe you're right. [SNIFFLES]

I was the valedictorian of our beauty school class,

and I was the one

who convinced Madonna to shave her armpits.

I don't know, maybe...

Maybe I can do anything.

Of course you can.

All you need is a little music to get you into the spirit of things.

-No. -Yeah. Karen, music?

[MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

This is working for me.

Of course it is.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Because you are here to fulfill

every woman's hair care fantasies.

I can do that.

Everybody stand back.

I am going to style her until she purrs like a kitten.

Hillary, my darling. You look... [kisses]

Fabulous.

Elizabeth Dole, eat your heart out.

[MOANS]

I like the feel of that.

I wonder if we really need that tree in the front yard.

Then once you've laid out the basic electrical,

you wanna rough in your plumbing.

This is where that generous crawl space is really gonna pay off.

-So, how was your date? -Just great, sir.

[LAUGHS] I knew you two love birds would hit it off.

-Can I talk to you in the kitchen, Dad? -Sure.

Hey, check out that new Powermaster chainsaw.

It's a beast.

Oh, Al, isn't Pete a great guy?

You know, he actually owns a hammer autographed by Bob Villa?

-Dad? -Huh?

This was the most boring day of my entire life.

Why?

It was like going out on a date with...

You!

What's wrong with that?

Listen, Dad, um...

I know you're just trying to look out for me, but...

You cannot be my dating service.

I kinda need to pick my own guys.

Okay. You're right.

It's your life, and you should pick your own dates

without me getting in the way.

Thank you.

Don't you like Pete just a little?

He's a nice guy, but, Dad...

He's not for me.

I hate to see you dump him.

-Well, I'm not. -You're not?

No.

He's your boyfriend, you dump him.

Oh.

Hey, uh, Pete.

-We, uh, we've gotta talk. -Oh?

Yeah, you are a super guy, but, uh,

this thing with Al, it's just not working out.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

I thought we had a great time.

I mean, we went to the base and tub and tile show.

-[GROANS] -Can't believe she didn't like that.

Women.

Go figure.

[BOTH SIGH]

So I, uh...

I guess this is good-bye.

Yeah, I mean, if we can't make this dating thing work,

I hope we can still be friends.

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

It's just not as funny as the one I'm thinking of.

Turbo.

-Psst, Dad. -Hey, kiddo.

-How was your date with that new guy, huh? -Uh, the worst.

He's sitting out there on the couch and he won't leave.

You've gotta help me get rid of this jerk.

Oh, no.

Listen, I promised you I'm going to stay out of your love life and I meant it.

I'm begging you. Please, Daddy.

Daddy?

Oh, well, then, of course I'll help you, honey.

You just go on in and leave the rest to me.

Okay, now, be brave.

Man, I have got to get some new shoes.

[SCOFFS] These things are like totally nasty.

You might wanna put those back on.

-Why? -Hi. I'm Al's dad.

-I like to cut things. -[CHAINSAW BUZZING]

Thanks, Dad.

I love this saw.