Original subtitles

Okay, who has the sexiest smile?

Brad Pitt. Oh, yeah.

Definitely. Okay, sexiest butt?

Paul Newman.

Ew. That is gross.

He's like 80. What are you talking about?He's old.

Okay, okay.

Who has the sexiest voice?

Oh, Drew.

Drew Carey?

No. No, no.

ALL: Yeah.

I mean, he's just funny, and he's smart.

I don't know, seems like such a cool guy.

God, I'd love to go out with a guy like that.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

Uh, don't get your hopes up.

Let's face it, if a guy has a choice

between you and me,

it's a no-brainer.

Well, well, Karen,

if it's a no-brainer, then you would definitely win.

I'm gonna go get some more soda.

Uh, Karen, can we get a ride home with you guys in about an hour?

Yeah, sure.

Good, 'cause Jean-Luc drove us down here,

and I'm not getting back in the car with him.

Why not?

by not wearing his contact lenses for a week.

He's blind without them.

Oh, man, here he comes. Come on, come on, let's go.

JEAN-LUC: Excuse me. Pardon me.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm so sorry. Table for one, please.

[SCREAMS]

Jean-Luc, get over here.

Jean-Luc, do you want some help?

Quiet in the kitchen!

Jean-Luc, do you want me to drive you home?

I do not want you to drive me home.

I have the eyes of a cat. I'm out of here.

[SCREAMS]

[WATER SPLASHES]

Hello, little fishes.

Oh, um, Karen.

Guess who just got a date with, uh, pizza man.

You mean you just called him and asked him out?

Al, that is a clear violation

of all the accepted rules of dating.

Yep.

Yep. [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

Mom, I won't be home for dinner tonight.

Rich and I are going to a concert with J.T. and Sam.

Okay, have fun.

It's at the House of Blues in Chicago.

Okay, have fun.

So, since we're gonna be out late,

Okay, that's too much fun.

Um, don't worry.

Sam and I are gonna share one room,

and J.T. and Rich will be sharing the other.

Oh, right.

Mom, look, Rich and I don't need a hotel

to be having sex, okay?

I mean, for all you know, we're already having sex

right here in his apartment.

No, you're not. How do you know?

Because I had Frank install surveillance cameras in there.

You did not.

Well, maybe I did, and maybe I didn't.

But now you'll never quite know for sure, will you?

Mom, this is absurd.

Are you saying I can't do what I want with my own body?

No, no.

I am saying that Rich can't do what he wants with your body.

Mom, I'm going to Chicago.

And I assure you, Rich isn't gonna do anything with my body

unless I want him to.

You know, they have surveillance cameras in hotels, too!

Oh, hi, Al.

Is Drew here yet?

I'm ready for our date.

What are you talking about?

[LAUGHS] Not when he sees me dressed like this.

Karen, this is a clear violation

of all the accepted rules of dating.

Yep. [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

[DOORBELL RINGS] Out of my way!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

I'm Drew.

So, which one of you is Al?

She is. I'm Karen.

I'm not your date. I just look this good all the time.

Look, come on in. Don't pay any attention to her.

Eh, don't worry about it.

As you can see, I am no Kevin Bacon.

[LAUGHS] Actually, more like a side of bacon.

Anyway, if you wanna call this date off, you know...

[EXCLAIMS GRACIOUSLY] Totally okay with me.

Oh, no.

Oh, I see. Real do-gooder.

Moral type, huh?

Do the fat guy a favor and give him a mercy date.

Okay, this is not a mercy date.

What, do you got a thing for fat guys?

Maybe I do!

Let's go!

we are gonna go someplace where everybody will be able to see

you're on a date with the fat guy.

What do you say now? Sounds like fun!

Well, it won't be! I can't wait!

Great!

Family meal for four for me,

and a salad for you.

Look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot earlier.

Try to lighten things up a little bit, huh?

Know any good fat jokes?

I don't like fat jokes.

Why not? They're funny.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, how 'bout this one?

I am so fat that Amtrak

just opened up non-stop service between my belt loops.

[LAUGHING]

Hi, Al. Hi, Al.

Are you on a date?

Yeah, I am.

He's so big. Looks like Shamu.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

There goes your reputation.

Now everybody here knows you're on a date with Shamu.

You know, this is starting to get really old.

What's the matter, are you tired of being seen with the fat guy?

No, frankly, I am tired of listening to the fat guy.

Hey, you can't call me "fat."

Only I can call me fat.

How 'bout I call you a jerk?

Fine. How 'bout I call this date over?

Fine with me. Me, too.

Oh, and don't worry about it.

Excuse me.

Hello, yes, is this the maintenance department?

Um, yes, well, uh, my daughter, Dana Foster,

is staying at your hotel tonight,

and, uh, she's very claustrophobic.

Uh, yes, well, if she denies being claustrophobic,

don't listen to her because, unfortunately, she's a pathological liar.

No, I have not been drinking.

Just remove the door to her room, thank you.

Just see her try to have sex now.

Oh, oh, hi, hi, honey.

[STAMMERING] Have you been standing there especially long?

Long enough to wonder how often I'm gonna be able

to visit you in the home.

Oh, I admit it. I am losing my mind.

I just don't want Dana to do something she's not ready for.

Well, neither do I, honey, but Dana is the one that has to make that decision.

Now, you've done a good job raising her.

Well, J.T.'s down there with Sam.

Aren't you worried about him?

Carol,

J.T. might not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree,

but I have given him values.

And because of that,

I think I can trust him.

Anyways, what I was leading up to is I think it's time we had sex.

So, what do you say, Sam, is tonight the night?

Well, you wouldn't want me to have sex

if I didn't want to, would you?

Are you saying you don't wanna have sex with me?

[GROWLS] But we're not going to.

No!

I'm sorry, J.T.

We're just not ready.

But I'm ready! I'm really ready!

I'm not.

Oh, I get it.

Sam, don't be worried about that.

It would be my first time, too.

Oh, it wouldn't be my first time.

It wouldn't? Nope.

Third?

Well, obviously you do this, so why not do it with me?

J.T., my boyfriend before I met you,

I thought I was in love with him,

and we slept together.

Then he dumped me.

What a jerk. I can't believe somebody would do that to you.

Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.

I mean, we shared this really intimate thing,

and now I'm never gonna see this guy again.

Don't worry, that's not gonna happen with me.

I know you really care about me.

And I care about you a lot more than I cared about him.

That's why I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Okay, let me see if I get this straight here.

You love me more than you loved this other guy,

but you slept with him, so you're not gonna sleep with me?

You know, I'm not very good at math, but this is not adding up.

J.T., the next time I have sex,

it's going to be with the person I spend the rest of my life with.

Any chance that could be with me?

Oh, I hope so.

But not tonight.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, good, I was just beginning to feel

like I wanna be treated like dirt again.

Look, I'm really sorry about that.

You're... You're really a nice person.

Nicest person that I've met in a long time.

I mean, you didn't even act like you were embarrassed to be seen with me.

I wasn't.

Boy, I acted like a real jerk.

I left you at the mall without a ride home.

Anyway, I just wanted to apologize.

Wait a minute.

You know, Drew,

I think you'd do a lot better with women

if you weren't so ticked off all the time.

I said I was sorry. Can't we just leave it at that?

No. No, we can't.

Here, uh, come in.

Please, come in?

I wanna know why you were so mean to me.

You know, the guy I talked to on the phone was...

And seemed like someone I wanted to get to know.

And the guy I went out with...

Was a hostile jerk.

And I don't understand that.

What is your problem?

Look, you wouldn't understand, okay?

So just... Just forget it.

Oh, I wouldn't understand?

Why?

Are you so totally unique

that the rest of us can't possibly comprehend

your deep thoughts, is that it?

All right, you wanna know why I act this way?

Because nobody wants to be around me.

When I was a kid,

everybody made fun of me because I was heavy.

A lot of times, they didn't even wanna play with me.

So, instead...

I'd sit at home,

Watching from the window...

And eat.

So I got fatter.

And the fatter that I got,

the more that they would make fun of me.

That's why I have a job

where I just answer the phone.

That way, nobody has to look at me.

I'm sorry.

That sucks.

You know, Drew,

I am not making fun of you.

So, why won't you let me be your friend?

You really wanna be my friend?

For real?

Yeah, for real.

I don't know, I thought it might be fun to hang out together.

In public?

Yeah, in public.

You'd actually sit in the same row with me?

Of course.

You know, it's still early.

Wanna go see "Beverly Hills Ninja" with me?

Cool.

You may not know this from looking at me,

but I am a huge Chris Farley fan!

[EXCLAIMS]

Was that a great show or what?

Yeah.

Ooh! Oh, man, I am so tired.

Alanis Morissette is great.

Oh, yes, absolutely.

Wow, look at the time.

We should go to bed.

These shoes are killing me.

Oh, honey, by all means,

you should get off your feet.

Let's go to bed.

Do you really think that this is gonna work?

I don't know.

Is there any way we could discuss it...

In bed?

Rich, come here.

Oh, boy.

Look...

Honey, I love you.

I love you, too, sweetie.

Enough said. Come on!

But I just...

I don't know if we're ready

for something like this right now.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hi, uh, I'm the night maintenance guy.

I got this note from the day guy

about taking the door off your room.

I beg your pardon?

Uh, your mother called

and wants us to take the door off your room.

She said you're claustrophobic.

Sorry.

My, my mother called here?

Well, I guess mental illness runs in the family.

It also says here that you're a pathological liar.

All right, well, thanks for coming,

but we will not be removing the door tonight.

Cool. Just call extension 6-1-9 if you change your mind.

I cannot believe that my mother thinks

she can still control me.

I mean, I'm 21 years old.

She cannot tell me what to do.

Rich...

I'm ready.

Get in the mood.

Hot diggity!

Honey, don't go away.

I'm just gonna go and prepare

and make this night absolutely perfect.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Dana, it's me.

[SCOFFS] What, calling them

and telling them to take the door off my room wasn't enough?

Now you wanna check in every ten minutes, too?

No, Dana, I called to apologize.

I've been thinking about this all night.

but I realize that trying to tell you

what kind of relationship you're gonna have with your boyfriend

is just way out of line.

Look, Mom, I know that you mean well.

It's just that I'm an adult now.

And I have to figure out whether or not I'm ready to have sex.

I know. I know.

And, Dana...

Whatever you decide,

I love you.

I love you, too.

Okay, good night, sweetie.

All right, good night.

Take me. Break me.

[GROWLS]

Honey...

Uh, I don't know how to tell you this,

but I don't think we should do this.

Something is missing.

Well, that's okay. I got a pack of 36 in my suitcase.

I'll be right back. Rich...

this isn't gonna happen.

At least I thought they were gonna be my lucky boxers.

And they're adorable.

But the reason I was gonna sleep with you tonight

is 'cause I wanted to get back at my mom.

Well, that's okay. Use that.

She's a bad, bad, evil woman.

Teach her a lesson I'll never forget.

I know that I said we were gonna sleep together,

but I just... I just don't think

it's the right thing to do right now.

I can wait.

How 'bout ten minutes from now?

Rich... Okay, sweetie.

Of course, I...

[SIGHS]

I don't think it's right now either.

Do you mean that?

Yeah, I do.

Let's say we go on and meet Sam and J.T. for coffee, huh?

Good idea. Good idea.

I'm really glad I decided not to be with J.T. tonight.

I really, really think I made the right decision.

Yeah, and I know I'm not ready to be with Rich.

I'm really glad J.T. understood.

I mean, I know he was disappointed,

but he really cares about me.

Yeah. No, Rich was great, too.

I mean, I think he's really okay with it.

Yeah, I think J.T.'s okay with it, too.

Okay, walk me through this one more time.

She loves me more than she loved the other guy.

so she's not gonna sleep with me.

Face it, man,

you're just too darn lovable to sleep with.