Original subtitles

Ah.

That's a sandwich.

Hi, J.T. Hey, Lilly. What's up?

I just wanted you to know

Well, thank you.

And, because you're my favorite,

you don't have to get me anything for my birthday.

Aw, come on. I gotta get you something.

Well, okay. You can get me a sticker.

'Cause Al's getting me something really good.

Oh, really? What's Al getting you?

Barbie's Malibu Dream House.

Well, if Al's getting you that,

then, uh, your best brother's gonna get you

the best birthday present you've ever seen.

I'm registered at Toys "R" Us.

On my way.

Yes!

Oh, Karen...

Carol, have you seen my bathrobe?

The white terry-cloth one?

Yeah. I can't find it anywhere.

Morning, Mr. L, Mrs. L.

Good morning, baby.

Mmm. Man, I love living right next door.

What do you want for breakfast, sweetheart?

Oh, no breakfast for me, thanks. I already ate.

Oh, uh, by the way,

you're out of eggs, bacon, milk,

orange juice, uh, cottage cheese,

fruit, and, uh, yeah, potatoes.

Rich, that's my bathrobe.

Yeah, I know. It's nice and toasty, too.

Had I seen that one...

Uh, you don't mind that I borrowed this, do you?

Yes, I do. Now take it off.

I'd rather not.

I want you to take it off now.

Okay, but I'm au naturel.

Oh, jeez.

Keep it on.

When you're done with it, burn it.

I don't want any breakfast now, honey.

I'm not hungry.

Oh, by the way, Dana, I hope you're not busy on Saturday,

'cause I could really use some help

with Lilly's birthday party.

What do you need help for?

Just let the little brats run around,

stuff 'em full of cake,

Oh, I see. So you think handling a birthday party

with 16 little six-year-olds is easy?

Are you kidding?

All you need to do is let them know who's the boss.

Oh. Oh, I would like to see you put your money where your mouth is.

Fifty bucks says that you can't run Lilly's birthday party

without begging for help.

[SCOFFS] You're on.

I can vouch for that.

I'm usually the one who does the begging.

You know what? I don't want any breakfast either.

[CHEERING ON TV] Yes! That's my first win.

Hey, hey. Guys. Ugh.

Guys, could you please keep it down?

Let me save you some time. You don't got one.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Hey, Jean-Luc. Hey, Jean-Luc.

Karen, I want to thank you for lending me this tape.

Uh, after carefully reviewing it,

I'm happy to say that I was right.

I do in fact have buns of steel.

Now then, who would like to guess what I am doing this Saturday?

Using your butt as a wrecking ball? [LAUGHS]

No.

This Saturday, I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

will be cutting the hair of somebody so incredibly famous

that when you find out who it is,

you will all die.

Who is it? I cannot tell you.

My client has sworn me to secrecy.

There is nothing you can say or do

that will make me divulge the identity

of my incredibly famous client.

Unless, of course, you happen to figure out who it is

by flipping through this celebrity magazine

and sneaking a peek at his or her picture.

In which case, it's not my fault.

It's just a little thing...

Is it Dennis Rodman?

Nope. He has his hair cut at 31 Flavors.

Oh, is it Michelle Pfeiffer?

Get real. She's married.

And it's a shame too,

Oh, look, it's the Baywatchbabes.

Is it one of them?

That's not Baywatch.

Get some glasses.

This is somebody so big

that they have only one name.

Sting. No.

Cher. No.

Gandhi?

No.

He's dead and he's bald.

I give you one more hint.

This person has the only one name,

and it begin with the letter F.

Flipper.

Yes, that's right, Brendan. It's Flipper.

I'm going to cut Flipper's hair.

I'm going to dive right into that tank,

and I'm gonna put some dippity-do on his dorsal fin.

Yes, that's what I-- All right, this group is never gonna figure it out.

It's hopeless. Unless, of course,

you happen to show up at my apartment this Saturday

at exactly 2:00 p.m.

where I will be cutting this incredibly famous person's hair

who has only one name that begin with the letter F.

That's Saturday, 2:00 p.m.,

Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

one word, begins with the letter F,

but you didn't hear it from me.

And people say I can't keep a secret.

Ha!

[CHILDREN CLAMORING]

Oh, hello, boys.

Hi, Mrs. Lambert.

Hi, Carol. I'm sorry we're late,

but the boys had a little problem.

See, Brian stuck a peanut up his nose,

and Ryan tried to get it out with a Dustbuster.

It worked.

A marble? [LAUGHS]

Well, it's okay. We're just getting started.

Come on in. Come on in.

Well, I'm gonna be next door getting coffee if you need me.

Well, I won't be here.

My daughter Dana thinks it's easy

so she'll be running this whole thing for me.

Hi. Hi.

Did you ever run a children's birthday party before?

[CHUCKLES] Do you get migraine headaches?

[LAUGHS] You will.

Well, Dana, I'll be next door

having some coffee with Frank,

it'll cost you 50 bucks. [LAUGHS]

Oh, wow. [LAUGHS]

[GASPS] A ball pit! Whoo!

Rich. Rich! Hey!

Rich.

Dive! Dive!

Rich.

You are not a guest.

You are here to help me with the party.

Do I get cake? If you're good.

Ooh, you're strict. I like that.

Get out.

ALL: [CHANTING] We want tokens! We want tokens!

DANA: Okay! All right. All right.

Everybody, quiet down.

All right, how many--

We want...

ALL: We want tokens! We want tokens!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

All right, fun time is over.

It is time to start the party.

Here are the rules.

No running, no yelling, no hitting.

Lady, lady, lady.

DANA: What? He licked me.

No licking.

How are we supposed to have ice cream if we can't lick?

Okay, you can lick ice cream.

Can we lick the pizza?

You can lick food, but not a person.

What if we lick somebody by accident?

Can we just move on from this whole licking thing?

When do we get to play?

ALL: Yeah!

Hey, play on your own time.

This is a party.

ALL: Boo!

You're ruining my party!

Honey, uh, you know, uh,

might wanna lighten up with this whole Nazi thing. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, I find it very attractive,

but I don't think the kids are digging it.

Listen, kids respect an adult

who is not afraid to lay down the law, okay?

All right, one more rule.

No throwing food.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

Hey, kids. I'm Possum Dave.

Obviously.

For the next five minutes,

all games are free!

[ALL CHEER]

Wait a minute! [BLOWS WHISTLE]

Get back here! Hey! I'm in charge here.

Listen to me!

[CHILDREN CLAMORING]

DANA: All right, stop it.

Stop it. That's enough.

All right. All right, enough. Enough now. Serious.

Rich! Rich, help me.

Get me out of here.

Back. Back-- ooh. Away!

Away! Hey!

[GROANING] Hey! Hey!

Look! Look! Free tokens.

Free! Free!

Away! Away!

What? Oh, honey, let me help you.

Let me help you, honey.

I got you. I got you.

All right. Okay.

You okay? You--

I'll--I'll accept that as an accident.

Where were you?

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

and they both missed target.

[LAUGHS]

Great. So I'm out here fighting for my life,

and you're worried about your socks?

Honey, they're just having a little fun.

Besides, I thought you said babysitting wasn't hard.

Well, maybe it wouldn't be

if you were out here helping me

instead of playing with the kids.

Lady!

More tokens. More tokens. More tokens...

Be quiet. I'm having a conversation, okay?

You know, maybe the kids wouldn't be so wild

if you were a little bit more nurturing.

What do you mean I'm not nurturing?

Oh, pipe down now, you little twerp.

Oh, how cute.

A couple of kids are playing tug of war...

With your jacket.

Hey.

Put that down. Drop it!

Ryan, where are you going?

I want my mommy. That whistle lady's mean.

The whistle lady?

No, she's yelling at the guy I peed on.

You peed on a guy?

Frank, we can't have kids

Let's go in there and take over.

Uh, honey, wait a minute.

If Dana doesn't know that Ryan's out here,

we could let her sweat a little.

How about I take you inside to your mom

and we'll let Mrs. Lambert

go in there and torture the mean whistle lady?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, Jean-Luc.

Hey.

Oh. Oh.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

waiting for a famous celebrity client at exactly 2:00 p.m.?

Uh, you told us.

Well, never mind.

Since you're here, you may as well meet

my incredibly famous celebrity client

who has only one name which begin with the letter F.

Well, J.T. thinks he knows who the mystery client is.

It's Frederique, right? The underwear model, right?

Come on, say it's her. Please, please, please.

He's a little worked up over this.

That's why I decided to come along.

Sam, you know I'm totally devoted to you,

but the human body is God's finest work of art.

I mean, can't I enjoy a masterpiece when I see one?

Uh, J.T., did I mention that this masterpiece is a guy?

That's sick. Let's get out of here. Come on, Sam.

Oh, wait a minute.

Jean-Luc, is your client a good-looking guy?

Well, he has the body of a Greek statue.

Well, hey, J.T. has the body of a statue.

Buddha.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Okay, everybody just act naturally.

If it's Famous Amos,

I hope he brought cookies.

Oh, my God. It's Fabio.

Bonjour, mon ami. Hey, bonjour,Jean-Luc.

[BOTH SPEAK ITALIAN]

[SIGHS] Isn't he gorgeous?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm really not that impressed.

Can you please take my jacket?

Sure.

Okay. Now I'm impressed.

Fabio, I'd like you to meet some of my friend.

Uh, somehow they found out that you were going to be here,

and they just couldn't, uh, pass up the opportunity

to meet a world-famous celebrity like yourself.

Well, who could blame them?

It's a pleasure...

To meet...

You.

Uh, Fabio, would you like to sit in a chair?

Sure. Why not?

I don't get it.

A body and a job.

My God.

That is one massive Italian.

Uh, I have over 500 of your novels, Mr. Fabio.

To tell you the truth, I didn't write all those novels.

I just posed for the covers.

Oh, that's okay. I don't read them.

I just look at your picture. [LAUGHS]

Don't worry, honey. I still make the money.

Okay, I'm ready to begin.

Everybody, stand back.

I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

am about to get a vision.

Yes, I'm seeing the vision.

I'm seeing the perfection,

and I know exactly how to achieve it.

Get ready for the total hair-styling experience

and complete grooming makeover.

Yes! Voila.

Fini!You are perfect once again.

See you again in six months.

I want that hair.

No, it's mine!

Not if I can help it.

I have a package of my hair just for this occasion.

For each of you.

Here we go.

[GASPING]

So how do you like your new haircut?

Jean-Luc, you are a genius.

No, come on. You are a genius.

No, no, no, you are.

Come on! You are a genius.

Okay, I'm a genius.

And I'm Fabio.

KIDS: [CHANTING] We want cake! We want cake!

DANA: Okay. Okay.

All right. Okay, all right.

Everybody, sit down,

Hey, I caught a couple more of 'em.

Found 'em breaking into the token machine

with a screwdriver.

Ooh, that was a good one, too.

Hi, Dana. How's it going?

Great. It's going just great. Right, kids?

KIDS: Boo!

Gee, Rich. Maybe we should take a head count

so we know how many pieces of cake to cut, huh?

You got it. Two, four, six, eight,

ten, 12, 14, 15 kids.

No. No, that's impossible.

We're supposed to have 16.

God, Rich. I think we lost a kid.

You lost a kid?

Well, we still got 15 out of 16.

That's good enough for an A, isn't it?

Rich, these are kids. Not a spelling test.

We... We need all of 'em.

ALL: [CHANTING] We want cake! We want cake!

Ryan! Ryan!

Whichever one you are, where are you?

Gee, Dana, you sound kind of frazzled.

Frazzled? I'm going insane.

God, I wish somebody could just make 'em be quiet.

Hey, five tokens to the kid who can keep quiet the longest.

Ryan. Ryan.

It's time for the cake.

Come out.

Mom, I need your help.

I'm begging.

Begging? You owe me 50 bucks.

Who cares about the bet? I lost a kid.

Oh, you mean Ryan, the other twin?

Yes.

Oh, he's okay.

We found him outside,

You mean you knew he was safe

Yeah. It was really fun.

I can't believe that.

How could you do that to me?

Oh. Oh, excuse me just a minute.

Weren't you the one who said,

"Why do you need help,

"all you need to do is let 'em know who's boss"?

Okay, fine, so I underestimated how hard it is

to be in charge of something like this.

Well, everyone does, you know.

Unless you've had a kid,

Mothers get no credit for this work,

and it is the single most important job

we have as adults.

You're right.

I don't give you enough credit.

I mean, with seven of us,

I have no idea how you can handle that.

You'll do just fine when you have your own kids.

Why?

Oh, don't do that.

Okay, kids, it's time to sing the birthday song.

ALL: ♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear Lilly

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Okay, Lilly, make a wish.

I wish Dana would lighten up.

[ALL CHEER]

"And so...

"they gaze into each other's eyes,

"knowing that the fire of their passion

"would burn on throughout their lives...

"Forever... And ever.

"And ever."

That's the end.

That was so romantic.

Read it again.

I'm sorry, ladies, but I have to go

or I'll miss my flight.

Oh, can you wait just a minute?

Sure. Okay.

I don't have any of your books.

I'll just go get my pillow for you to sign.

Okay.

Hi. I'm Fabio.

Oh, my God. I'm hallucinating.

No, you're not. Honestly, I am Fabio.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, right, and I'm Aretha Franklin, queen of soul.