Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, hey, guys, come on in. I wanna show you J.T.'s new apartment.

Oh.

[GASPS] Wow.

So? I mean, the paint's still wet

in a few places, but what do you think?

It's fantastic. Really.

You'd never know this used to be the beauty salon.

Well, except for that drain in the middle of the floor.

Well, you know, given J.T.'s barnyard bathroom habits,

the drain might come in handy.

Oh, sounds like somebody's jealous

because J.T. gets a new apartment and she doesn't.

Oh, please.

I have a dream that when I move out

there's gonna be two time zones, a mountain range,

and an equator between me and this place.

You guys are gonna have a lot of trouble finding me.

Wow, I have the same dream,

only in my dream, we're not looking for you.

Oh, my God. Frank's outwitting me.

It is time to move out.

Hey, Barky, I got my own place.

I'd invite you over, but no dogs aloud.

Whoa, Dad.

You like it? Yeah, this place is awesome.

Oh, and I got great news.

so this place won't cost you a penny.

How are you gonna do that?

You only have got a part-time job.

Two words, room mate.

Uh, J.T...

You are not allowed to move your girlfriend in here.

First of all, I know that, and, second of all, she said no.

So who's gonna be your roommate?

[RICH YELLING] Coming through! Coming through!

[CRASHING]

Sorry.

FRANK: Ooh.

Stand back, or I'll slime you.

[JEAN-LUC YELLS] Come back here, you little thief.

This is a high-speed chase.

You better hope you have good mileage on that thing,

because here I come.

Oh, yes. I've got you in a cul-de-sac now.

[JEAN-LUC YELLS] Oh!

Oh. [GROANS]

[SIGHS] What is going on here?

Well, you see, Lilly is an international jewel thief,

and I am Jean-Luc Van Damme,

Tae kwon do master, kickboxer,

hairdresser to the stars, and I'm undercover,

because she just tried to get away

with a major jewel thievery!

No, I mean, where did all these toys come from?

I thought you were just gonna pick her up from school and take her to the park?

Well, uh, yeah, I did, but on the way home from the park,

we decided we needed to stop at the toy store

and pick up a few small items to play with.

Lilly, go upstairs while I talk to Jean-Luc, okay?

Great. That's where we put the new trampoline.

The new trampoline.

It, uh, it makes her feel taller.Jean-Luc.

I'm just going to go upstairs to make sure

Yeah? Would you come down?

Come. Come. Come.

Come here.

[SIGHS]

Are you out of your mind? Look at this.

Why did you buy her all these toys?

Well, the thing is, it wasn't really my fault.

I took her to the toy store,

and she said, "Okay, aisle six."

I know you're just trying to be nice, Jean-Luc,

but you can't keep buying her all these toys.

You are spoiling her. Look at this.

No, I... I don't want to spoil her.

I... I really don't, so I'm going to stop it.

I give you my word.

Really. No more extravagant diversions for Lilly.

Do you promise? Absolutely.

Okay. [DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it. What? Why?

Because it's for me. It's for me. Uh, it's my lawyer.

Open the door.

[HONKING HORN]

Hey, hey, hey.

Where's my little pal, Lilly?

Carol, I'd like you to meet my attorney, Mr. F. Lee Bozo.

[HONKS HORN]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, man, this is great, isn't it?

Is this great, or what? Huh?

Is this great, or what?Yeah, man.

There's nothing better than having your own place.

Hey, watch this.

Don't worry about it, man. We got a drain back there.

Uh, hey. Whoo! [LAUGHS]

Mm. Hey, and there's no one around here

to bust our chops, telling us to shut up and go to bed.

Shut up and go to bed.

Hey, Dad, no offense, but, uh, this is our place.

You can't just come in here and tell us what to do.

Oh, yeah? Watch.

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

You touch that stereo, and I'll take it out back

and throw it in the wood chipper.

In the real world, my dad couldn't just come in here

and lay down a bunch of rules.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

In the real world, landlords lay down all the rules.

So from now on, I don't want you to think of me as your dad.

I want you to think of me as your landlord.

"Mr. Lambert, sir."

Come on, Dad. No, no. No "Dad."

"Mr. Lambert, sir."

Now, what we will do is draw up a lease.

That will do.

He's kidding, right?

Okay, now, number one,

the rent will be paid on the first of the month,

which is tomorrow.

Number two, no loud music after 11:00--

11:00? What are you thinking about?Oh, come on.

Okay, you're right. After 10:00pm.

And number three.

If you even think about having a girl here overnight,

I think you know what I'll put in the wood chipper next.

Hello, Mr. Landlord, sir.

Mrs. Landlord, sir. Hi.

Check it out. It's our new satellite.

Hey, did you know that in Mexico

Well, isn't that special.

Hey, aren't those dishes kind of expensive?

Oh, well, you know, see, I'm glad you brought that up,

because, uh, we kinda had to dip into our rent money,

so we're gonna be about a hundred bucks short this month.

Okay? See ya.

Wait. Whoa, wait a minute, boys. No, it's not okay.

You know, in the real world, there's no such thing

as being a hundred bucks short on your rent.

Okay, Dad. Uh, I mean, Mr. Landlord, sir.

What are you gonna do? Evict us?

In a heartbeat.

He's such a kidder.

"In a heartbeat."

You're funny.

Bonjour. Hi.

What the hell is that?

[GASPS]

It's the new Fishin' Magician.

56 different tools, and it hangs right on the belt.

Huh.

Carol, I know I'm not supposed to spoil Lilly,

but I bought her just one more tiny little present.

Oh, what now? Oh, come on, Carol.

It's just a little something she fell in love with.

I didn't have the heart to say no.

I want you to see it. It's right out back.

[SIGHS] Please?

because then I could use my new Fishin' Magician.

Look, Mommy. I got a pony.

Well, isn't that great? JEAN-LUC: Well, yeah.

Well, Frank, I hope that Fishin' Magician has a pooper scooper.

Jean-Luc, could you come in the kitchen for a minute, please?

Uh, actually, I'm rather busy.Right now.

[PONY SNORTS]

A pony?

Well, I, uh...

but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Jean-Luc, I know that you wanna be the fun uncle,

but you can't buy Lilly everything she wants.

I know. I know I shouldn't do it.

But it's just...

it's just really hard for me to say no to Dani.

Dani? What?

You said "Dani." That's your daughter's name.

[GASPS] Oh.

Oh, that's why you've been buying Lilly all these gifts.

'Cause you're missing Dani.

What... What are you saying?

Are you saying that I am using your daughter

as an emotional substitute for my own daughter

just because I am broken up inside

that I cannot see Dani, the light of my life,

on her birthday, which happens to be this weekend,

because the divorce settlement stipulates that

I cannot see her until Christmas?

Well, you are wrong. Oh, are you wrong.

I laugh at your wrongness.

[LAUGHS]

[SOBBING]

Pan pizza for every meal. This is the life!

Hey, listen, you're not gonna believe what I found out today.

We actually have to pay for water.

No free water? When did that start?

[SCOFFS] I don't know. Next thing you know,

we're gonna be paying for electricity too.

What's all our stuff doing in the middle of the yard?

Oh, maybe Dad's putting in that new Jacuzzi I asked for.

Ooh.

Hey. Hey, there's a note.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Dear tenants, in view of the fact that you have not paid the rent,

"you are hereby evicted. The Management.

"P.S., don't try getting back in the house, either.

"The locks have been changed, and trespassers will be shot on sight."

Oh, yeah, right.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

It looks like rain.

This is bad.

[KEYS JANGLE]

He actually did change the locks.What? Hey!

Hey! Let us in!

Let us in! Let us in!

Hey, guys. How's it going?

Lousy. We're stuck out here in the rain. Let us in!

Oh... Oh, I can't.

Why not?

Have fun out there in the real world.

You know, I'm starting to think your dad

was serious about this eviction thing.

You think?

We gotta get him to let us back in the house.

Look, let's just tell him what he wants to hear,

we were wrong, he was right,

we learned our lesson, yada, yada, yada.

Then maybe he'll let us back in the house

Here he comes!

Whoa-ho!

Hey, guys. How about this rain, huh?

Boy, I'll tell ya, it's weather like this that makes you say,

"Thank God I have a roof over my head."

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

We were wrong. You were right.

We learned our lesson.

Yada, yada, yada. Now let us back in the house!

Well, as touching as that apology was, son,

there's only one way you're getting back inside,

and that's to pay the rent.

But we don't have it. What are we supposed to do?

Enjoy the great outdoors.

BOTH: Hey!

[THUNDER BOOMS] Get back! Get back!

[GROANS]

I get the house. No!

I get the house!

You can have the house. You can have the house.

[KNOCKING]

Come on, let us in. Dad, let us in!

Come on! I can't feel my feet!

Please. Please!

Oh, Dana! Dana! Dana!

Sweetie! Sweetie! Let us in.

What is going on? What?

Hey, you want a muffin? These are great.

Thanks.

Whoa, look at this.

Dana, please!

I've got ice in my nose!

You know what, Frank? I'm sorry.

I can't stand to see 'em suffer like this.

Thank you, sweetie. Thank you so much.

I love you--

There. That's better.

Dana! Dana, please! Dana!

I'm gonna die out here!

You know what, Frank? We really can't let them die.

Why not?

Well, you know, there'll be police and coroners and an inquisition,

and I have midterms coming up. I don't have time for that kind of thing.

Okay, I'll see if I can work something out. Let 'em in.

Oh! Yes!

Oh!

Oh, God.

[GROANS]

Okay, Dad, we get the point.

We have to pay the rent on time.

So we don't have the money.

So how can we fix this?

Well, I think I have an idea.

I'd like to meet 'em in J.T. and Rich's apartment, please?

[SIGHS]

Either there's a rock in my shoe or my big toe just fell off.

Okay, guys.

Listen, everybody has times

when they run a little short on cash.

But that's when you gotta get creative

and tap into your personal assets.

You mean, like, become a gigolo and have women

pay for the privilege of dating me?

Well, that's a good thought, son,

What's up, Dad?

Low, low prices. Everything must go.

Mark, how much money do you have in your birthday fund?

Fifty bucks. Congratulations.

You just bought yourself a TV.

All right. Yeah!

Hey, that's my VCR. Ah, that's included.

Well, make me an offer.

Forty bucks. Forty bucks? Are you insane?

This thing's worth at least a hundred.

Sold for $30. Take it away, little lady.

Wow. This is going swell.

Hey, how much for your baseball card collection?

Dad, it took me 15 years

to put that collection together. It's priceless.

How about I'll give you ten bucks?

No way! It's the single most important thing in my life!

Okay, 20. But I'm taking your guitar.

Sold for $20. Yes!

Well, I think this went rather well.

Ugh. I think we been hosed.

Dad, you're cold.

Okay. You're right.

I'm your father, you're my son, and I love you.

And I should cut you more slack. Yada, yada, yada.

Welcome to the real world.

Bonjour.

Lilly? Lilly, are you ready to go to the circus?

Your ringmaster of fun has arrived.

Oh, uh, Jean-Luc.

and, um, Lilly's not going to the circus with you. I'm going to take her.

Carol, I know that I bought her too many toys, but please don't do this.

Please don't do this. I'm really looking forward to taking her to the circus.

I know, I know, I know, but I really think that what I have planned

you'll like just as much, okay? Now, trust me. Sit here.

Okay.

Bonjour.

Dani?

Oh, Dani.

Dani, I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

Are you really here?

Oui, oui.

Did you hear that? She said, "Oui, oui."

I'm so happy.

I could just go "oui, oui" all day long.

That come out wrong.

Ah, I missed you so much.

I missed you too, Papa.

How did you get here?

Well, when I saw how much you were missing Danielle,

I just, um, took it upon myself

to call your ex-wife and talk to her, you know, mother to mother.

I get to spend the whole weekend with you.

The whole weekend.

Well, I'm, uh, going to go upstairs and get Lilly.

Carol. Yeah?

There are no words I can say to thank you enough for this.

Yeah, well, seeing you two together is thanks enough.

Look at you. Look at you. Look how much you have grown.

The last time I saw you you were a petit biscuit,

and now you are an entire croissant.

Thank you, Papa.

Dani, come and sit down.

Are you tired from your flight?

In fact, I am just passing my second wind.

That came out wrong.

Oh, mon coeur.

You are the apple of your papa's ear.

What does that mean?

I don't know.

It just means that I love you very, very much.

Thank you for helping me fold the laundry.

Oh, nothing's too good for my honey bunny.

Hey, I'm eating here.

When are you not eating?

Go fetch the paper, Barky.

Ooh. Hey, these are Dana's.

She must have dropped 'em. I better go give 'em back to her.

Hey, Mr. L. Hey, Ri... Uh, hey, Rich?

One quick question, son.

Oh, you mean these?

Allow me to clarify that.

Allow me to clarify that further.

she was not wearing this underwear.

Allow me to modify my recent clarification.

You hold these,

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]