Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Welcome to Alice in Wonderland's royal tea party.

Here's your cup of tea.

Thank you.

You may drink, fool.

Frank, I need you to sign something for school.

Oh, Mark, thank God.

Uh, well, I mean, I'm sorry, Your Majesty,

but I think the royal tea party is over.

That's okay. I was bored with you anyway.

All right, Mark, what do you got?

Just need the old John Hancock on this,

and I'll be on my way.

I'm, uh, kind of in a hurry. Here you go.

If you don't mind, I'd like to see what I'm signing.

What do I look like, a fool?

Uh, it's just your basic permission slip

for a school function gym type thing.

It's no biggie. Just, uh, sign it.

Here. See?

Yeah, just wait. Give me that.

"Dear ticket guy at Cinerama Five.

"I give permission for Mark Foster

"to see the movie Showgirls.

"I'm aware that this movie contains full-frontal nudity

"and explicit sexual encounters.

"However, I feel that this is an important film for Mark to see."

How about I buy you a beer too?

That'd be great.

Here. Drink, fool.

You, uh, you want some melon?

I sure do.

[CHUCKLES]

BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

Dana, would you like some French toast,

or would you like me to put it in Rich's mouth

so he can feed you like a baby bird?

Dana, I have never seen you like this before.

Yeah, well, I have that effect on women.

Spend a few weeks with me

and shave 30 points off their IQ.

What can I say?

Sometimes it's nice to swim in the shallow end of the pool.

Morning. Gotta go. See you later.

JT, where are you going all dressed up like that?

Uh, church.

I like to go mid-week.

Less crowded.

-Bye. - Freeze!

You're not going until I say you can.

Uh, I bet Rich knows something about this.

Dana, find out.

Oh, he's dating a 29-year-old woman.

She's from France.

Rich, man, shut up.

Wow.

It's like she sucked the information right out of his head.

A 29-year-old woman?

I don't like the sound of this.

Mom's right, JT.

An older woman could expose you to things

you're not ready to handle.

God, I hope so.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Ah, Carol. Thank you.

Thank you for inviting me to the breakfast.

Hello, little "Melrose Place" people.

JT?

Ooh, la, la, you look super-extra fantastic.

Ami, with these clothes,

you will attract more women than Brad Pitt in a Speedo.

Thanks a lot, Jean-Luc.

What did I say?

JT gots himself an older woman.

What would you say, Jean-Luc,

if your 19-year-old step son

was dating a 29-year-old French woman?

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] I would say, "You the man."

Yeah!

You hear that, Carol? I'm the man.

Vive la France.Yeah!

Oh, what about The Terminator?

Seen it.

Grumpy Old Men?

Lame.

Sleepless in Seattle.

That's a chick flick.

You know, this is all your dad's fault.

I can't believe he wouldn't let you see Showgirls.

Look who's talking.

You still take Flintstonevitamins.

Oh, shut up, man.

-No, you shut up. -You wanna tell me to shut up?

-Oh, please... -Guys. Guys.

Over here.

Act natural.

I got something you're gonna wanna see.

The Little Mermaid?

Man, if we were gonna go animated,

we should have gotten Pocahontas.

At least she's got cleavage.

Check this out.

The Naughty Nurses? Whoa.

It even says it right here on the video.

"They make their patients sick with passion."

Man, we can't rent this kind of movie.

We can if it's inside the Little Mermaidbox

and nobody knows about it.

But if we get caught,

our parents will kill us.

Yeah, but we'll sure die real happy.

You're right. Let's do it.

Act natural.

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

-[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Oh, JT. -Oh, Michelle. Mmm.

Oh, I'm so happy, JT.

And so lucky to have found someone

who is so smart and so funny.

And so handsome.

Okay, this is my stop.

-Hello. -Hello.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Hello.

I'm Dana.

Um, this book is called Smart Women, Foolish Choices.

Read it.

-Thanks, Barky. -Any time.

It's time for her flea bath.

So what do you wanna do?

You wanna get something to eat?

Something to drink? Or maybe you want to--

Whoa.

Mmm.

Make out with me on my couch?

-[LAUGHS] -Huh?

Oh, I had such a wonderful time tonight, JT.

I just wish this night could go on for ever and ever.

Well, I'd invite you up to my room,

but I'm not allowed to have girls up there.

[CHUCKLES]

If only we could be together all the time.

And spend the whole night

with our arms wrapped around each other.

Yeah, that would be great.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

God, I hope so.

-Then let's do it. -Let's do it?

Let's get married.

Married?

Well, we've seen each other practically every day

for the past three weeks.

We have everything in common.

We like the same movies, the same music.

The same food.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

We're perfect for each other.

Well, yeah, we really are great together, you know?

But marriage, it's such a big decision.

It's a serious commitment.

It's not something you just jump into.

How far is Vegas?

Come on, guys. Hurry up.

Going as fast as we can.

We gotta block this door.

[GRUNTS]

There.

Now no one can get in.

Okay, are we ready to roll it?

Yeah, let's go.

Well, guys, we've smoked cigars together,

burned down my dad's tool shed together,

and tonight, naked girls.

Gentlemen, the nurse will see you now.

MAN: [ON TV] Welcome to Morning Wood Hospital.

A hospital like no other.

MAN 2 [ON TV]: Nurse Honeywell, that uniform you're wearing

is against hospital policy.

You'll have to take it off.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

-Nothing. No. None. -No, nothing. No, nothing.

Then, uh, what's the TV doing here in the garage?

Uh, uh...

[STAMMERING] We were just watching The Little Mermaid.

See? It says right here on the box.

"The Little Mermaid.

"Wholesome, family entertainment."

Wholesome.

Let me see it.

Come on. Come on. Let me see it.

The Little Mermaid.

The Naughty Nurses.

Some jerk at the video store

must have put the wrong tape in the box.

Don't they know that we're impressionable?

I know I am. Ha!

We better go down to the video store

and return this immediately.

I'll tell you what, Roland.

I'll return the tape.

You and Max run on home

and tell your folks they can expect a call from me.

Man, puberty is hell.

My dad's gonna ground me until I'm 40.

Well, Dad,

this must be a real proud day for you.

One son is getting married to the first girl who kissed him,

and the other is watching pornos in the garage.

You know what I'm not in the mood for right now, Al?

-Me? -Bingo.

[MOUTHING]

Mark.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

I know that you're curious

about women and sex and things like that,

but I don't think that watching The Naughty Nurses

is the right way to learn about 'em.

Could you, uh, suggest another film, then?

Mark!

It's not something that you can learn about in a movie.

It's personal, and it's intimate.

It's about a loving, caring relationship between two people.

But I don't have a relationship.

I can't even get a date to the movies.

How am I supposed to learn about this stuff?

You can ask me.

Right now?

Sure. Sure, come on. Sit down. Sit down.

Just ask me any old thing you want to.

-Just fire away. -Okay.

Will, uh, I ever stop thinking about naked women?

Nope.

Next question.

Frank, JT is 19 years old.

We can't let him get married.

Carol, this whole marriage thing

will be over as quickly as it started.

How do you know?

Because we're talking about JT here, honey,

and he's got the attention span of a gnat.

Yeah, well, I'm thinking a 29-year-old woman

might hold his interest.

I'll tell you what.

When they set the wedding day, then I'll be worried.

Oh, yeah? Well, what if they get married

and she gets pregnant and they have twins

and he has to quit school

'cause they don't have any money, and he can't get a good job,

and his whole life is ruined

and they end up living in a box on the street?

Did you ever think of that? Huh?

Uh, Carol, that's kinda rough.

Oh. Sorry, Marge.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

And bonjour.

Yeah, bonjourmy butt.

Thanks to your encouragement,

JT's gonna marry that little French-fried tramp.

-My encouragement? -Oh, like you don't know.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] "But, of course. You the man."

Blah, blah.

Yeah, well, listen, I tried to tell her

that this whole thing was gonna blow over,

but she just won't listen to me.

Look, Carol, you know, Frank is right.

There's nothing to worry about.

Forget your troubles. Come on.

Get happy.

I mean, JT is probably just saying he's going to get married

so he won't feel so guilty about having mad, passionate--

Oh, that's it. He's grounded.

Let's see him try to have sex while he's locked in his room!

-Carol, stop! -What?

I need my scalp.

I'll tell you what, honey.

Why don't you and I take a little walk,

and then you can cool down

and someone else can take care of Marge's hair.

-Oh, bless you, Frank. -No problem, Marge.

Uh, Laurie, will you finish shampooing Marge's hair?

I've got a two o'clock.

And use my number-two scalp soother

for wind damage, sun damage,

and damage from a crazy blonde.

Bonjour. I am Jean-Luc.

Oh, bonjour. Michelle.

-You're from France? -Oui.

I'm from a little town called Upie.

-No. -Oui.

My uncle Soopy is from Upie.

So how long have you been here?

Only six months.

But my visa's about to expire.

Oh. Oh, well.

So you have to go.

No, not necessarily.

I have been very lucky and found an American

who wants to marry me.

Ah, tres bien.

So wonderful that you have found the true love so quickly.

Well, I wouldn't exactly call it true love,

but my fiancéis only 19, and he thinks he loves me.

-He's 19? -Oui.

And he has this corny American name, JT.

Anyway, I've convinced him to marry me.

Now I just have to get him to do it by Wednesday

before my visa expires.

Ah.

So you are basically using this boy.

Oh, a man of the world. I knew you would understand.

Ah, oui.

Have I mentioned that very, very short is in this season?

Hello? Hello? JT?

Hey, Jean-Luc. What's happening?

Did you hear the good news? I'm getting married.

Yeah, well, we gotta talk about that.

Uh, JT,

I have to tell you something.

I have to tell you something, so here I go.

JT, you ever say to yourself,

"I'm 19 years old,

"not terribly bright,

"I have no marketable skills,

"and the closest I've ever come to a sexual experience

"was when my sister's guinea pig crawled up my pant leg,

"so, why...

"Why would a beautiful, 29-year-old French woman

want to marry me?"

Nope, I never asked myself that question.

Well, the thing is, JT,

that, uh, your fiancée came into the salon today,

and, uh, she said to me

she's, uh, she's only marrying you

to stay in the country.

Get out of here.

I'm so sorry, but it is true.

Carol put you up to this, didn't she?

No. I'm telling you because I'm your friend.

This woman, she don't care about you.

She just need to get married by Wednesday,

otherwise, Uncle Sam

will drop-kick her hiney back to Upie.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Michelle loves me.

She said she wants to spend the rest of her life with me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Look, if you and Carol can't handle it,

that's your problem.

Me and Michelle are going to the movies.

You can just let yourself out.

Married by Wednesday.

Somebody's been inhaling too much hair spray.

-Hello. -Hi.

Nice beret.

I'm having a bad hair day.

So you ready to roll?

Uh, oui.

But first I want to talk about the wedding.

Oh, okay.

I think we should set a date.

All right, well, I hear that June's a good time to get married.

June is nice,

but I was thinking of something a little sooner.

Really? Like when?

Like Tuesday.

Tuesday? That's not enough time.

We still gotta make arrangements

and send out invitations,

and I still gotta save up money to buy you a ring.

Oh, okay.

Wednesday, but no later.

Why are you in such a rush?

Because I am.

And I thought you would be excited

about doing this too, huh?

So are we getting married Wednesday, or not?

Bonjour,Michelle.

What are you doing here?

JT's mother is my business partner.

Now I know why you were in such a rush.

I'm sorry.

How could you do this to me?

I know what I did wasn't right, but,

I guess I was just desperate to stay in the country.

I think you should go.

Au revoir.

Au revoir.

JT, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

It's not your fault, Jean-Luc.

Man, you were right.

I was such a jerk!

It was ridiculous for me to ever think

that a beautiful woman would ever wanna go out with me.

That is such a pile of chardonnay.

Listen, you may not be right

for a 29-year-old whatever she is,

but, for someone your own age, come on.

You're wonderful. You're funny, you're generous.

If it weren't for this haircut,

you would be good-looking.

Is this your way of cheering me up?

I know how you're feeling.

I've had my heart broken too, okay?

The only way you're going to feel better

is to get your mind completely off her.

Now, come on. We go somewhere.

We go for a walk.

Maybe we go to TGI Fridays

and pick up some big-bosom secretaries.

Come on.

No, thanks, Jean-Luc. I'm not really in the mood for that tonight.

Okay, maybe we just watch some TV or a video.

What have we got here? The Little Mermaid.

Okay.

This will put a smile on your face

and a wiggle in your walk.

MAN: [ON TV] That should conclude the examination.

You can get dressed now, Nurse Honeywell.

WOMAN: [ON TV] Right away, Doctor.

This is, uh, The Little Mermaid?

I don't remember her tail looking like that.

Hey, Nick. Here you go.

Okay, returning The Little Mermaid.

Yeah, well, actually, it's...

Frank, Naughty Nurses?

Yeah, well, you see, my kid snuck it out of here.

-I'm just bringing it back. -Uh-huh. Sure, Frank. Sure. Sure.

Look, uh, you interested in Naughty Nurses 2?

No, I didn't rent this,

so I'm not interested in the other one.

-Hi, Frank. Returning a video? -Uh, no.

Yeah. Yeah. It's Naughty Nurses.

Frank, you rascal.

Marge, you don't understand.

Oh, yes, I do.

Hey, Ed, uh, bring out Naughty Nurses 2for Frank Lambert, will ya?

No, no, no.

Oh, you'll love that, Mr. Lambert.

It's in 3-D Hootervision.

No, no, no, no nurses, no hooters.

I'm just gonna go home now, okay?

Hootervision?

Do you need special glasses for it?