Original subtitles

Hi, Daddy. Guess what I learned today?

Well, what did you learn, honey?

I'm gay!

Well, now, what makes you say that?

Well, I'm a girl, and Mommy's a girl,

and I love Mommy. So I'm gay.

Lilly, what you're talking about here, honey,

is when one girl wants to marry another girl.

And you don't wanna marry Mommy, do you?

No, of course not. I wanna marry you!

Boy, that's a whole other conversation.

Uh, listen, why don't you just

go sit on the front porch and wait for the ice cream man, okay?

Yippie, I get ice cream! Yippie, I get ice cream!

Hey, Dad. Adios, Señor L.

Yeah, we'll see you in a week or so, we're going to Mexico.

Hey! Oh! Wait!

before you drive 2,000 miles to a foreign country?

Why? We're in college. We're kinda like adults.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, if there was a war, we could be drafted.

If there was a war, I'd volunteer the both of you.

Dad, it's no big deal. We're gonna get into Rich's car,

take turns driving, and 37 hours later, boom, we're in Mexico.

Well, what do you plan on doing down there?

I don't know. Buy a sombrero, eat a burrito.

You can do all that at Kmart.

Mr. L, come on, cut us some slack.

Listen, I just don't think that you two are ready

to handle a trip like that on your own.

Come on, Dad, I can handle things on my own.

And I'd like the chance to prove it to you.

Son, listen... Dad, I'm almost 20 years old.

You gotta let me grow up sometime.

I guess you deserve a chance to prove it.

You can go. Awesome, Mr. L!

Thank you! You won't regret it!

We know exactly what we're doing.

I don't think you do, Rich.

Sorry.

So, do you know how to get to Mexico?

Oh, we'll just start driving south.

It's pretty big. We'll find it.Yes.

[LOW RIDERBY WAR PLAYING ON RADIO]

♪ All my friends ♪

Man, it doesn't get any better than this, huh?

Two guys on the open road heading for Mexico.

Yeah! This is what being a man is all about.

JT: Yeah! Pass me those Gummi Bears.

Speaking of being a man, a buddy at school

gave me this brochure for a place outside Tejada

called Club Cha-Chas.

Check it out. Pretty hot senoritas,huh?

Yeah. No! No! I...

I can't go to a strip joint, man, I'm going out with Dana.

Come on, man, it's not just a strip club. It's a cultural center.

I mean, all the table dancers are bilingual.

And they serve beers from all around the world.

I...I don't know, J.T.

I just wouldn't feel comfortable.Come on, man.

I'm just asking you to do a little window shopping.

You don't have to buy anything.

Just, uh, admire the goods.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to do a little browsing.

Yeah! Now you're talking like a man!

Club Cha-Cha, here we come!

We are there! Yes!

Ah-ha! [BOTH SCREAMING]

Dana, what are you doing back there?

I stowed away to keep you

from dragging my boyfriend through the gutter.

If anybody's gonna do that, it's gonna be me.

I can't believe you're spying on me.

This stinks. You don't trust me?

I trust you, except when you're under the influence

of Captain Hormone.

I've had to go to the bathroom since Arkansas.

[RAIN PATTERING]

I'll see you guys later. I'm going to the mall.

Oh, great. Hey, Karen.

Can you drop Mark and I off at the library on your way?

Al, it's raining. Once I leave the house,

I only have a 26-minute window before my hair frizzes.

Oh, right.

How inconsiderate of me.

Look, why don't you just drive straight to the mall,

and Mark and I can walk in the pouring rain

and get soaked to the bone.

Okay. Bye.

I don't think she gets the concept of sarcasm.

Sorry, Dad, need this.

Oh, look, honey.

no kids allowed. Let's go.

I already called. It's taken.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

It is a fresh, homemade French baguette.

Wait until you see how crispy and crunchy it is.

Oh, very nice...

Okay, bag the baguette.

Anyone for matzo ball soup?

[SIGHS]

Jean-Luc, you are soaking wet.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

Well, you know, it is raining.

That's why I fashioned this impromptu turban

and dashing Bedouin cloak.

Hey, is that the sports section that you got on your head there?

Yeah, knock yourself out, baby.

Why didn't you drive? I don't know how to drive.

You don't know how to drive?

Yeah, but I just thought it was because you're French.

No, I don't shower because I am French, but...

No, you know, I always lived in the big city like New York,

where you can take the taxi everywhere.

And, you know, in Port Washington, you cannot get a taxi.

So I take the "bicyclette," and I get all wet.

It's like a wet bad boy look, you know what I'm saying?

Listen to me, bad boy.

If you're gonna live here in Wisconsin,

you have to learn how to drive.

you're gonna freeze your...tires off.

Hey, look. Look it right here.

Look it right here. Here's a driving school.

Right there, huh? Oh, don't be silly.

You don't wanna give your money to strangers.

Frank will teach you how to drive.

Ooh! That's a wonderful idea, honey.

I just have one small little change.

What's that? You teach him.

Well, yeah, I will.

Well, I don't feel too passed around.

No, no, no, no, really. I would love to teach you how to drive.

Really? Yes.

I would love to be taught by a woman

who has been around the block as many times as you have.

That...that come out wrong.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[BELCHES] Oh, man!

Fifteen burritos, six tacos, and a churro,

and it's only gonna cost us two bucks?

This a great country or what, man, huh?

Oh, yeah. I'm telling ya, you know what?

I bet I could get a job down here as a bullfighter.

We could move down here full time, huh?

What do you think about that, Dana?

Hmm, let me see.

Move to a dusty border town

and watch soap operas in Spanish

while my boyfriend seeks employment as a matador.

Any chance I can get a job as a stripper in a local beer joint?

You'd do that for me?

I'd hit you in the head with a stick,

but I'm afraid, candy would spill out.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take a walk

while you two finish your pork fest.

Mas burritos, muchachos?

Oh, no, thanks, man. Five pounds of pork is my limit.

Yeah, me, too. How much do we owe you?

Uh, that's $4.00. Thirty-two pesos.

Pay the man, Rich.

I don't have any money. [CHUCKLES]

I mean, I do. I gave all mine to Dana.

Well, I don't have any money either.

Check it out, you blow into its butt.

[WHISTLES]

Señor. Si.

Uh, un small-o problem-o.

Uh, my girlfriend-o, she has all our dinero.

And, uh, she's just down the street-o.

We're gonna go get it and be right back.

Yeah, be right back. Uno momento.Right back.

Un momento. [SPEAKING SPANISH]

Whoa, wait, we're coming right back.

What's the trouble here?

These banditos ate 15 burritos each.

And they tried to run off without paying.

Fifteen burritos each? Si.

Rest assured they will pay later.

Officer, really, we weren't trying to get away.

We're just going to go get my sister, get the money,

and she's across the street. We'll be right back.[SCOFFS]

You believe me, don't you?

after the way you're treating us, there is no way

I'm moving down here and becoming a bullfighter!

Got that? Hey! Don't push me.

[YELLING IN SPANISH]

J.T., we gotta get outta here, man.

You know, I hear what happens in these Mexican jails.

Yeah, and how is that different from dating Dana?

Wow, Microsoft closed at 138.

Hope you boys bought in at 15 like I did.

Well, well, well.

Imagine my surprise when I went back to the taco stand,

now known as the scene of the crime,

only to find that my two escorts

have been hauled off for grand theft burrito.

May I help you?

Yes, I'm here to spring Butch and Sundance.

Look, Barky, just pay the man so we can get out of here.

We don't need any of your lip.

How much for just the little one?

No, no, no. Take them both.

We have enough problems down here

without you Americans sending us your lowlifes.

Can't argue with that.

So, how much to get 'em out?

The food was $4 American

plus there is an additional $25 fine.

They broke the law. The penalty is $25.

Ah. I get it.

You're looking for a bribe.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, should I just give it to you,

or do you wanna pretend to shake hands

and I'll slip it into your palm?

Now, listen, señorita--

I mean, who do you think you're dealing with here?

Just some cute little blonde?

Listen here.

I am an American citizen, and I have rights.

$25, please, and no lip.

And maybe I will release the prisoners.

[SCOFFS]

This is blackmail. Well, let me tell you,

I am from the United States of America.

Yeah, you know that big country to the norte?

Um, sweetheart...

Look, I'll tell you what.

I will give you $5 American and we'll call it a gratuity.

All right? How's that, senor?

Okay, I have reconsidered

and would like to pay the $25 fine.

Now it's $225.

Excuse me?

$25 for the two Stooges.

Plus an additional $200 for you trying to bribe me.

We don't have that kind of money.

Well, in that case, enjoy your stay in Mexico.

[PHONE RINGING] [VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

Answer it. I'm busy.

Besides, they'll call back.

Answer it, or I will pound you.

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

Hello?

They're not here. Okay, well, listen, okay?

This is very important. Listen very carefully.

Tell Dad and Carol that we're okay

but we're in jail in Tejada, Mexico, okay?

But we need them to wire us $225 to get us out, okay?

Uh-huh. Got it. [VIDEO GAME PLAYING]

[EXPLOSION ON TV]

Whoa, awesome decapitation.

Gotta go.

[DIAL TONE]

Okay, Jean-Luc. It's your turn.

[SCREAMS]

I'm a little bit nervous. [HONKS HORN]

Oh, sorry. No, stop. Don't be nervous.

Here, let me just get your seat belt.

Everything's going to be fine.

It'll be just like... Turn those off.

It'll be just like we practiced in the backyard.

Except now you won't be driving a picnic table.

No, no paper plate for a steering wheel.

No. [BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, here we go.

[EXHALES] Okay.

That's real good. Real good.

Stay calm. Oh, oh, oh, look at moi!

Look at moi! Okay.

I'm driving! I'm driving!

You're doing really well. Ah, yeah.

I'm born to be wild. Yes. Wild.

♪ Get your motor running

♪ Head out on the highway

♪ Looking for adventure

♪ In whatever comes my way

♪ Born to be wild ♪

Jean-Luc! Jean-Luc, you must, you must...Sorry.

...keep both hands on the steering wheel at all times.I'm sorry.

That's a good safety tip. Look straight ahead. Yes, it is.

Look straight ahead. That's a good safety tip, yeah.

You know what, I'm... I'm liking this.Yes.

Super fantastic. It's good.

It's good. I feel good.

All right, let's turn right at the next corner.

Okay, Coach. Okay. Okay.

CAROL: No, no, no! [HORNS HONKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Watch it! That was easy.

What are you doing? I said turn right.

I did turn right. No! You turned left. That's left.

Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. Monkey's uncle.

Uh-oh, it's coming back. What? What?

My dyslexia. Dyslexia? You're dyslexic?

Well, only for left and right. Oh, God.

All right, all right, all right.

Okay, here comes an intersection with a light.

You know what to do, right? [CHUCKLES]

I sure do. Okay.

What are you doing? [CAR ACCELERATES]

[HORNS HONKING]

Learn how to drive!

No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

It was green, just like my shirt.

Your shirt is red!

[CAROL SIGHS]

You know, maybe...maybe I should get my eyes checked.

Maybe? Maybe? You just ran a red light.

People are driving on the sidewalk to avoid you.Carol. Carol. Carol.

Are you insane? Carol. Carol!

Do not yell at me. Why not?

Oh, well, that is the stupidest thing--Carol, you have to go away!

[MUFFLED SHOUTING] Go away, Carol! Go away!

[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING] [HORN HONKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

JEAN-LUC: I think that went well.

Hey, Dad, uh, how's Carol?

I offered to give her a lift home.

She said she wanted to walk.

Didn't... Didn't wanna be in a moving vehicle quite yet.

Have you heard from J.T.?

What's for dinner? Spaghetti.

You know, they should've called by now.

I don't like spaghetti.

I'm worried about Rich and J.T. and Dana.

They're down somewhere in Mexico.

Oh, they're fine. They're in jail.

Can I have a hot dog instead?

What do you mean?

I like hot dogs better than I do spaghetti.

Oh, they called and told me to give you a message.

Did I forget to tell you?

Yes. Now, what's the message?

It's something about wiring money to some town in Mexico.

What town?

I don't know. I think it was something Spanish.

Okay, okay. Juarez?

Uh, Nogales? Veracruz?

Ensenada? Tejada?

Tejada. That's it, Tejada. Oh!

What's he so cranked up about?

Yeah, operator, this is an emergency.

Would you connect me with the police station

in Tejada, Mexico, please?

I'm going out to shoot hoops till dinner.

Oh, by the way, Grandma called last Thursday.

She's stuck at the airport and needs a ride home.

She said she'd wait out on the curb for you.

Am I the only kid in this family that's not a nitwit?

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

Here, dinner.

Uh, I'm sorry. I don't eat meat.

Do you have a vegetarian platter?

Would you like that with cottage cheese or yogurt?

Well, is it non-fat yogurt?

It's non-existent yogurt.

[PHONE RINGING]

Tejada Hilton.

No, no, no. Don't hang up. You called the right number.

Yeah, listen, my name is Frank Lambert.

I'm looking for some kids, and I think they're in your jail.

Two goofy guys and a mouthy blonde?

That'd be them.

They left a food stand without paying.

That'd be the guys.

Then they tried to bribe an officer of the law.

There's the mouthy blond.

$225 dollars will clear the whole thing up.

I will wire the money right away, okay?

Yeah, but listen, don't tell 'em quite yet.

I wanna make 'em sweat a little.

Bless you for that, sir.

J.T., your father would like to speak to you.

Oh, thank God.

Dad, oh, God, thank God you called.

Yeah, we need you to wire us the money right away.

Yeah, J.T., you know, I've been thinking about this.

Now, isn't this a perfect opportunity for you

to prove to me that you don't need my help much anymore?

I mean, after all, you are kind of like an adult.

You're not gonna throw that in my face, are you?

Oh, son, I think we have a bad connection.

But, Dad, Dad, this wasn't my fault.

Yeah, no, I know you're trying to apologize to me, son,

and I just love you for that, but I'm having trouble hearing you.

[PHONE BEEPS]

He's gonna call back.

[PHONE BEEPS] Hello.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

From now on, I'm gonna listen to you.

I think we have a much better connection now, son.

I'm wiring the money. Oh, thanks a lot, Dad.

Well, listen, as long as we're this far south,

could you wire us an extra $500?

We'd like to go down to Rio for Carnival.

[DIAL TONE]

Hello?

$825 dollars to fix the car.

Yeah, well, I can't believe our insurance won't pay for this.

Yeah, go figure.

foreign drivers who freak out behind the wheel.

Hola, mi familia. Hola,Lamberts.

Hola, los banditos.

Oh, man, am I starving. Oh, me, too.

You know, Dad, after being in jail,

we did a lot of thinking on our long ride home.

Yes, sir, it was a very important learning experience.

Yeah, I think we really matured a lot in the last couple days.

Yeah. Well, that's great. Where's Dana?

Uh, she's asleep in the backseat.

No, she's not.

Oh, my God, we left her at the last rest stop.

Oh, man, we're gonna have to go get her.

Right after we finish lunch.

By the way, Grandpa called last week.

He wanted to know if you've seen Grandma.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]