Original subtitles

Hey, Barky.

How you doing, huh? You feeling okay?

Ooh! Your nose is cold. That's a good sign.

Hey, check it out.

I just met the perfect guy for you.

His name is Rex. He's a Rottweiler.

Yeah, he fetches, he rolls over, he's completely housebroken.

-More than I can say for you. -Ooh!

Nice shot, Barky. I love woofing around with you.

I gotta get something to eat.

-Why not? -'Cause Mom and Frank are still playing Monopoly

with her new business partner.

You mean the crazy French hairdresser guy?

Dad must be going out of his mind.

And now, François, it is your turn.

But before you roll the dice,

you must ask yourself this question,

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Or as you might say,

[AMERICAN ACCENT] "Ah, geez, do I feel lucky?"

[FRENCH ACCENT] Because I, Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux,

happen to own every hotel on the board.

And this roll, my friend, could be your last.

Well, I'll tell you what, Jean-Luc,

we have played Monopoly every night this week,

so if this isn't my last roll,

I'm gonna shoot myself in the head with this little cannon.

[LAUGHS]

A five.

[COUNTS IN FRENCH]

You land on Boardwalk,

and with this cinq, you are sunk.

I am the winner. Give me all of your money.

And you, too, Pippi Longstocking.

I will shower in your money.

-I'm the winner! -Yes, you are.

You are the winner, Jean-Luc.

And that makes Carol and I just a couple of losers,

and I don't blame ya for wanting to get rid of us.

No, I don't want to. I want to come back and play.

No, no, Jean-Luc, game's over. Gotta wrap it up for the night.

-[CHATTER CONTINUES] -So what's going on in there?

I think Dad's about to go postal on him.

[MUTTERING]

Maybe just a little bit--

I've had jock itch that was easier to get rid of than him.

Yes, yes, I found it. The last ice cream sandwich.

That's Daddy's ice cream, J.T.

If you eat it, he'll be mad.

Not if he doesn't find out.

And Lilly wouldn't tell on her best big brother now, would she?

That depends.

All right, here's a buck.

Thanks, sucker.

All right, people, gonna need this kitchen

-and I want some privacy. -What for, Barky?

We've seen you take a flea bath before.

I have signed up to be a college tutor,

and my first student is coming here this afternoon.

Oh, great. Just what we need.

Another dimwit.

Not everybody who needs a tutor is a dimwit.

Even Einstein had trouble in school.

Ha-ha. You never know, I could be tutoring the next Einstein.

Hi, I'm here to be tutored.

Hey, I like your new student. Nice shades, bro.

Let's see 'em.

-Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. -Oh, hey.

-Whoo! -Boing!

Uh, Dana, you know that whole Einstein thing?

Nope, I'm not seeing it.

I cannot believe I am stuck with you.

Isn't she cute?

All right, look, Dane.

We'll make this as painless as possible, okay?

Why don't you write me a paper on Shakespeare,

make it about a B-minus, around there,

and I'll be outside shooting hoops?

Look, you diluted little Smurf.

This is not Homework-R-Us.

Now sit down and get writing.

Ooh, Dana.

I love it when you're rough with me.

This mean if I get a bad grade you'll spank me?

I'd rather chew off my own foot.

So, Dana's gonna be your new tutor, huh?

Good luck.

Frank, this is so romantic.

I'm so glad we decided to get away for the weekend.

Oh, me, too, and it's just the two of us.

No Jean-Luc.

And other than this very expensive bottle of champagne

that I bought for us,

there ain't a French thing within 100 miles.

So...

here's to our romantic weekend...

-alone. -Mm.

Happy to see you. Bonjour.

Jean-Luc, what are you doing here?

Well, it's an emergency.

When I heard that you were coming to a spa,

I thought to myself, "Ooh, la, la, the chlorine in the hot tub

is going to strip their hair of five essential 'emuliants.'"

That's why I develop

Jean-Luc's Emergency Hair Care 9-1-1,

when beauty is a matter of life and death.

I brought some today to share with my friends.

It's very easy to use.

You just put it on the trouble spots,

let it seep into the follicle,

wait, and then rinse.

Also, for you, François,

I brought Monsieur Gray-away.

How you use it,

you put it liberally on the head,

and you just run it through with your fingers,

you can spike it a little if you want,

and then just get on with your active lifestyle.

I don't have an active lifestyle.

I've got you.

Ooh, la, la, is that champagne? I love champagne.

Even cheap champagne like this one.

Don't go away.

I'm going to go swimming for a glass.

[SIGHS]

Honey, you think anybody would notice if I drowned him?

I mean, it's not like he's an American.

Oh, I know, I know we've gotta talk to him,

but let me handle it, okay?

Because he's just going through this nasty divorce,

and he's real vulnerable right now.

And voila.

Oh, mes amis,

I am so super pumped about the weekend together.

We can get a scrub with the salt.

We can get a wrap with the seaweed.

And to top it off, we can all get the deep tissue massage.

Sort of a massage à trois.

Funny, funny things...

-Jean-Luc. -Mm-hmm.

You-you see, the thing is...

I mean, what I am trying to say to you is...

Buzz off.

-Buzz off? -What Frank means is...

Jean-Luc, Frank and I need some privacy.

I hope you understand.

Oh, I understand.

I am not hurt.

I am not stabbed through the heart.

No, people who have someone that loves them

and-and cares about them,

they need-- they need time alone.

So, au revoir, mes amis.

I'm out of here like poo-poo through a goose.

All right, time's up.

Hand it over.

"Nachos rule"?

Well, we have been working a long time

and I am kinda hungry.

if you weren't undressing me with your eyes all the time.

Hmm?

Oh! You wish!

Yeah.

I have better things to do with my time

than to fantasize about "Frosty the Ice Queen."

You're nothing but a drooling, illiterate imbecile.

Hey, it's better than being

a stuck-up, man-hating know-it-all.

Oh, yeah?

Here's an idea.

and hop a train back to Munchkinland?

[SCOFFS]

Oh, yeah? Well, I got a better idea.

Oh, yeah, that's pretty good for somebody who has the IQ of a potato.

Better than having the sex appeal of a potato.

-You make me sick. -You make me sicker.

-I hate you. -Are you as hot as I am?

Hotter.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, my God, I lost my mind.

Me, too. It was, uh, a big mistake.

So, you wanna go out?

Get real, okay?

We had one little moment of demented passion.

That doesn't mean that I'm gonna go out on an actual date with you.

Why not?

Because you are a mentally challenged,

uncultured fool.

Well, you're not exactly my dream babe either, right?

I mean, you never smile, you think all men are scum.

It's like you're some sort of feminist Nazi.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

You ever have a Nazi kiss you like this?

I'll, uh, take that as a yes for our date.

All right.

But no one must know about this.

Not your friends.

Not your minister.

Not even God herself.

Yeah, I should've gotten a tutor a long time ago.

Oh, my God, I think Barky tutored him to death.

Yeah, she, uh, certainly tutored my brains out.

Rich, you wanna go bowling with us tonight?

Tonight?

Tonight, I-I-I can't tonight.

I already made plans to...

to do my homework.

Hold the phone.

Rich Halke doing homework on a Saturday night?

It's the new me.

You got a woman, don't ya?

[LAUGHING]

Woman?

No, no, no woman.

No woman. Why-why-why would you say that?

Come on, man, quit holding out on us.

Does this chick have a sister you can hook me up with?

You have no idea how sick that is.

A bunch of perverts.

-More wine, honey? -Sure.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's the matter, Carol?

Oh, I'm just afraid that we've hurt Jean-Luc's feelings.

He's so sensitive.

Come on.

I mean, he's a good-looking man.

And you know how women love those Frenchies.

And I'll bet you right now he's up to his beret in babes.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Lambert.

I'm surprised to see you dining here this evening.

It was either come here or stay in our room

and have a couple of beers and a bag of nuts for 50 bucks.

[CHUCKLES] No, no, I just thought that you would be

with your gorgeous French friend tonight.

a special moonlight picnic in the woods

just for the three of you.

A moonlight picnic?

Well, yeah, it's his birthday.

It's his birthday?

Yeah, I mean, he told me the only thing

between him and the yawning abyss of madness

is your friendship.

Oh, boy.

So, I'll have a T-bone steak.

Uh...

Hello. Hello, my little striped friend.

So, I am not completely alone in the world.

You come to my birthday party.

I'm going to share my chocolate soufflé with you.

Because you are now my only friend in the whole world.

CAROL: Jean-Luc, are you out there?

Good night, good night. Thank you so much for carrying that--

-FRANK: Hey, Jean-Luc! -[JEAN-LUC CONTINUES INDISTINCT]

Watch out for the skunk poop.

Jean-Luc, we've been looking all over for you.

Well, I'm sorry. You just missed my grand picnic.

I'm just now cleaning up

after my many, many, many guests

who, as you can see, left me with this

care-free jumble of cutlery and plates.

Jean-Luc.

Now, why didn't you tell us it was your birthday?

Well, I was wanting to tell you in the hot tub,

but, uh, a certain someone tell me to "buzz off."

O-Okay, listen. I'm sorry.

That was out of line and I shouldn't have said it.

But Carol and I need some time alone.

Look, uh...

I know that I've been a grand pain in the derriere.

-No, you haven't. -No, Carol, Carol, Carol.

I've been clinging to you like a pair of jockey shorts

on a hot, humid day.

It's...it's just that when I'm not with you,

I have to think about the divorce.

And, uh, when I'm with you, then I feel so good.

Jean-Luc, I know you're going through a tough time,

but, you know, you just have to get out in the world and meet people.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

there is a waitress back in the cafe,

-and I think she's got the hots for you. -Yes.

Not the one with the skin like crème brûlée

and the buttocks like brioche.

-That's the one. -[JEAN-LUC LAUGHS]

Hello.

Come on.

Why don't the three of us go back to the restaurant,

And then Carol and I will slip off to our room,

and you and Miss Crème Brûlée

can figure out dessert on your own.

Happy birthday, Jean-Luc.

Oh, merci, Carol, merci,Carol.

-CAROL: Yes. -Happy birthday, Jean-Luc.

Oh, Frank, you really are mon amie.

You're not gonna hug me, are you?

Come on, Frank.

We are men.

We are rough.

-We are tough. -Tough.

We do not hug, we kiss.

Well, that date was a complete waste.

What are you talking about? We practically wore out each other's lips.

Uh, yes, but there needs to be more to a relationship than making out.

Like what?

Like some kind of emotional and spiritual connection.

I mean, if people are gonna be together,

there has to be depth.

But we went to a movie.

It is two hours of gratuitous violence

occasionally interrupted by topless women with machine guns.

Well, obviously the whole point of the movie

just went right over your head.

"Fistful of Guts" is a very classic study

of man's inhumanity towards man.

Rich, did you just say, "inhumanity"?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Do you know what that means?

I am starting to rub off on you.

Dana, was that a smile?

[GASPS] Well, light up a room, why don't you?

Look at you. See?

Looks like I'm rubbing off on you, too.

[GASPS] Ooh. Oh, no.

You mean it works both ways?

See, there is more to this relationship than you thought.

And the best part about it is,

it involves rubbing.

Oh, sorry, Barky, didn't know you had a date.

Don't mind me, I'm just getting...

[YELLS]

-[YELLING] -J.T., calm down, calm down!

Buddy, calm down.

Tell me this is a bad dream.

I'm sorry, man, it's not a dream.

[YELLING] Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why?

J.T! What's going on down here?

Why? Why?

Them! Them lips! Them-them-them-them kissing!

Them rubbing! [GROANING]

Rich and Dana kissing?

Oh, man, I haven't been this sick

since I walked in on Grandma in the shower.

Look, you guys, I know it doesn't make sense,

but I kind of...

sort of...like him.

No.

No!

No! No! No!

No use fighting nature, J.T.

They're like wild animals drawn to each other

by a permit of lust.

No! No lust here.

No lust.

I need air.

God!

Dana, this is amazing.

You've gone from being a clear-headed,

independent woman

to being a lust-driven,

hormonal love slave.

You're my hero.

Love slave?

Great, now I'm never gonna sleep tonight.

I don't see what the big deal is.

I mean, opposites attract.

You are a over-achieving, control freak.

Hmm, and you are an undisciplined, irresponsible slacker.

[YELLING]

Oh, no!

Hey, Mrs. L, Mr. L.

How was the old love junket this weekend?

Hey, R, none of your business.

So, what are you doing here, Rich, waiting for J.T.?

Uh, no, actually. I'm here to see Dana.

She's been tutoring me in English Lit,

and I have a little surprise for her.

-Hey, Mom. Hey, Frank. -Hey, sweetie.

-Welcome home. -Hi.

Hey, Rich.

I, uh, got my test back.

-Check it out. -[GASPS]

You got a B?

I am so proud of you.

In fact, you deserve a big reward.

Mm, come on, let's go celebrate.

Isn't he adorable?

I don't believe that.

Me neither.

Rich got a B.