Original subtitles

[CAROL SIGHING]

Thanks so much for taking me to dinner. What a great date this was.

Well, the date ain't over yet.

-Mmm. Oh, it is so nice to be alone. -Mmm hmm.

Hey, Frank, you busy?

Flash, I'm kissing my wife.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hi, Carol.

Um, Frank, I need to tell you something,

but I can wait. You guys take your time.

Frank, he's standing right here.

Well, might be interesting to have somebody watch.

-Frank! -Okay, okay. C'mon, honey.

Oh, wow, great kitchen.

You know, you can just feel the love in the room.

The warmth of family gatherings,

the pots boiling on the stove, the smell of apple pie wafting through the air.

God, I love apple pie.

You ever have it with vanilla ice cream and just a little bit of--

-Flash! -Yeah, Frank?

You, uh... you wanted to tell me something?

I just wanted to let you know I might be a little late for work tomorrow.

You see, they're fumigating my apartment,

so I'm staying with my Aunt. She doesn't live here in the neighborhood.

-So where does she live? -Kansas City.

You're going to commute from Wisconsin to Kansas City?

Well, it's only eight hours each way.

I figure if I leave work at five,

I'll get there about 1:00 a.m.,

and turn around and be at work by 9:00.

When are you going to sleep?

Luckily, I drink a lot of coffee and I only need ten minutes of sleep a night.

But it's gotta be a full ten minutes.

If I get only seven or eight, I'm really grouchy.

Okay, I'm hittin' the road.

♪ I'm going to Kansas City ♪

♪ Kansas City, here I come ♪

-Thank God. -Ohh...

♪ They got some crazy little women there and I'm gonna get... ♪

-Flash. Flash, uh... -Yeah?

I am just not sure that

you should be out there driving... Ever.

So...

So why don't you just stay with us?

Oh, Carol, are you serious?

Carol, are you serious?

Yeah.

Carol, you're great.

You're the most generous human being I've ever met.

I'll just get my stuff out of the truck and be back.

Are you nuts, honey?

Inviting him to stay here? He's like the Tasmanian Devil.

He's gonna be rolling around and leaving his stuff all over the place.

Well, how much stuff can he have? I mean, a sleeping bag, a suitcase...

[SOUND OF BAGPIPES PLAYING]

Bagpipes.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

I don't get it, man. We're two cool guys.

How come we can't get any chicks?

They must be intimidated by our...

Intelligence and studly like nature.

Well done, sisters. I think we made our point.

Well, hello, ladies.

Forget it, Rich. Those aren't ladies.

It's Barky and her man hater friends.

Oh, joy, Beavis and Butt scratch.

What's going on, Barky?

Another meeting of the "Future Gym Teachers of America?"

For your information, we've just come from a political rally

protesting the sexist hiring practices at Yabbos.

-Yeah. -Yeah!

Jeez, it's a burger joint. What's so sexist about Yabbos?

Everything. They hire these big breasted women

and then they force them to wear these tight little T-shirts and hot pants.

That's why I love that place.

-Yeah, me, too, man. -[GIRLS BOOING]

All right, all right, save it, ladies.

We've got bigger boobs to battle.

Come on, let's get some lunch and plan tomorrow's protest.

You know, ladies, uh...

If this little protest thing doesn't work out,

perhaps you'd like to...

Come on back here, strap on your go go boots and dance for us, huh?

You are the slimiest, low life vermin on the face of the earth.

Yep, she wants me.

Oh, honey, honey, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.

The Beer Gulch Tavern is going out of business.

Oh, well, that is good news. That place is a pit.

No, that's bad news, honey.

The good news is that the bank foreclosed on it and everything

they couldn't sell, I picked up for fifty bucks.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, honey, I got neon signs.

I got beer taps. I even got one of those red leather booths,

and to top it all off,

I got "Herbie" the talking moose head.

I'm going to turn the whole basement into a men's clubhouse.

Why do we need a "men's clubhouse?"

Carol, the men in this family need someplace to call their own.

Someplace we can watch TV, and burp,

and scratch without one of you girls going [IMITATING GIRLS] "Ooh, that's so gross."

Hey, Carol, check out what Herbie can do.

-[HERBIE BURPS LOUDLY] -[CAROL GROANS]

That is so gross.

Yes, hi, is this "Victoria's Secret?"

Yeah, this is, uh, Steve Spielberg out in Hollywood.

Yeah, listen, I'm doing a project

that I think one of your models would be perfect for.

Could I have the phone number of the young lady

in the black lace teddy on page 18?

Okay, well, how about the chick on page ten?

-[PHONE LINE HANGS UP ON THE OTHER END] -Hello? Hello?

Man! What kind of customer service is that?

You guys are pathetic.

Yeah, why don't you just forget about women and date each other?

Agggh! I am so aggravated.

I would give anything to expose Yabbos.

You know, Dana, Rich and I were just thinking the same thing.

Somebody tipped off the manager about our protest,

so they changed their hiring practices.

I thought that was what you wanted them to do.

Not exactly. I wanted them to stop forcing their waitresses to skip around in hot pants.

But their idea of not being sexist

is hiring men and forcing them to skip around in hot pants, too.

So, wait a minute.

There are guys walking around in shorts serving burgers?

Yeah, doesn't that make you sick?

Actually, it makes me kind of hungry.

What about you, Karen?

Starving. Let's go.

Am I alone in the struggle against sexism?

Barky, you're alone in everything.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Probably not, she's my stepsister.

No, this is the perfect opportunity for us to meet women.

-What are you talking about? -I'm talking about we go down to Yabbos

and we apply for jobs as waiters.

Then we're working with the waitresses in the tight T-shirts.

They're working with us.

Soon, we become colleagues, then friends, then compadres. Before you know it...

BOTH: Yabbos!

BOTH: Yabbos! Yabbos! Yabbos!

[SPECTATORS CHEERING ON TV]

Be careful. Okay.

-All right, now you keep your eyes closed, okay? -Okay.

Now, one more and you're on the landing...

-There you go. -Okay.

Now three down, down. Here we go. One two and you're on the floor.

-Keep 'em closed. You're all right. Okay, here we go now. -Okay.

Open 'em up.

What do you think?

It's a dump.

That's the look I was going for.

Hey, Mom, is this place great, or what?

I think I'm getting hair on my chest already.

Mark, you do not spit peanut shells on the floor. That is disgusting.

Now, Carol, Carol, honey, it's okay.

This is a guy place now.

We don't pick up after ourselves. We just throw everything on the floor

and when it gets too deep, we just shovel it out.

Yeah, well, it looks like a chicken coop. I'm going to go get the vacuum.

No, Carol, Carol, honey, you are missing the point here.

This is not a prissy place like upstairs.

Yeah, well, it smells like an armpit.

That's what's manly about it.

Carol, I want to introduce you to Ol' Rolling Thunder.

Frank...

Not that.

This. The mechanical bull.

Ol' Thunder and I, we share a lot of memories together.

Don't we, buddy?

I want to say this in the nicest possible way.

You're an idiot.

No, really, I once stayed on Rolling Thunder two hours straight.

Worst case of chappies I ever had, but it was worth it.

Wasn't it, buddy?

Really. Really, you're an idiot.

Come on, I want to show you how it works. Here. Here you go, watch.

BULL: [IN A COWBOY'S VOICE] Whoa, Nellie! Ride 'em, cowboy!

Boy, that makes you want to jump in the saddle and tame the wild beast, doesn't it?

Not even slightly.

Well, I don't blame ya'. Not many women are tough enough to ride Ol' Thunder.

Yeah? Well, you try 16 hours of labor, then talk to me about tough.

Afternoon, ladies. Hey, Ronny, looking good.

Give it a rest, Mr. Packwood.

Okay, we got a couple of new guys working the lunch shift.

I want you to give them a big, friendly welcome.

JT, Rich, come on out here.

Man, this is gonna be the greatest job in the whole world.

Oh, man, I would pay them to work here.

You guys look terrific. You're gonna be a big hit with the lady customers.

Okay, it's time to open. Man your battle stations.

This is your first day, right?

Yep.

Word to the wise. The women who come in here are just like the men.

They like to squeeze the buns, and I don't mean the ones on the hamburgers.

Hi, welcome to Yabbos. I'm JT. I'll be serving you today.

Well, hello there.

You see, ladies, I told you the "view" would be nice here today.

I'll get you menus.

So, ladies, could I interest you in today's specials?

What do you have that's really hot?

Well, we have the Cajun chicken, which I hear is pretty darn good.

Why don't you pick something for me?

You look like the kind of guy who knows how to take care of a woman.

In fact... Why don't you just take care of all of us?

JT!

What is with these women? Everything is, like, a come-on.

Tell me about it, man. It's like they're undressing me with their eyes.

Yeah, and we're not wearing that much to begin with.

Oh, young man, we really need you.

Oh, God. Listen, man. If I'm not back in two minutes,

grab a fire extinguisher and hose these old broads down, all right?

CAROL: Hello?

Men of the house?

Anybody down here?

Good.

Ugh.

"Men's Clubhouse" my foot.

This place is a pigsty.

Ugh, jeez.

Not tough enough, huh?

Huh. I'll show them.

Yeah...

Okay.

Ah, oh, oh, oh.

Yee ha!

Oh, this is silly. Oh, gosh.

Oh, no. Frank! [LOUDER] Frank!

-Frank! Get me down! -Honey, I knew you'd like Ol' Thunder.

Frank! Get me down, Frank! Stop this thing!

-Okay, okay. I'll just turn it off. -Stop this thing!

Stop-- Ah! Frank! Frank, Frank!

Stop this thing!

Stop this thing!

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Help! Somebody, help!

Stop this thing! Frank!

Hey, guys. What's going on?

What does it look like, you idiot?

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

I'll guard the door and make sure the kids don't come down.

No, no, no, no, no! Unplug that-- Unplug that plug!

[BULLS VOICE SLOWS TO A STOP]

You know, that's what I love about you two guys. You do everything together.

Does anybody want dessert?

Oh, no, we're watching our figures.

Almost as much as we're watching yours.

Stop it, Adele, you're embarrassing him.

His cheeks are turning red.

Oh, you're right.

I'll just get your check.

I can't believe these women. They're like total sex fiends.

Tell me about it. I feel like a piece of meat out here.

Hey, you guys should be glad it's just talk.

Wait until they start putting their hands all over you.

That's disgusting. This place stinks.

Yeah, I'm this close to quitting, but I really need the money.

JT, could you come over here?

Don't these women have jobs?

I seem to have dropped my spoon.

Could y'all pick it up for me, please?

Sure.

Aah! Hey!

Knock it off, lady.

What is your problem, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry. You must be feeling left out.

Aagh! Hey, hey!

Look, I don't need some woman putting her paws all over me.

My God, I can't believe I just said that.

Here's your check. Why don't you ladies pay it and get out of here?

Hey, hands off, creep!

What? I just gave you a friendly little pat.

Hey, pal, what's your problem? You heard the lady. Hands off.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

This jerk had his hands all over Ronny.

So? He paid his money. He has the right to "admire" the help.

No, he doesn't. We're waiters.

We're here to bring people food,

not to be their personal play toys.

Hey, I was just having a little fun.

Oh, a little fun, huh?

Oh... Oh, sure, it was fun for you, but I guarantee it wasn't fun for her.

It wasn't fun for me when the grope sister was pinching my butt over there...

Oh, come on, you know you liked it.

No, I didn't. You know what? I hated it.

I never thought about this stuff before,

but after working here I can tell you one thing,

nobody should have to take this crap.

Yeah man, this place is nuts.

Hey guys, it sounds like you might not be cut out for this job.

You got that right, pal. 'Cause I quit.

Me too!

Hey, wait up, guys...

I quit, too. There's got to be another way to make a living.

JT!

Now that you're not working,

are you free this afternoon?

Get a life.

You know, I actually feel pretty good about what we did today.

Well, see, that's the thing about you and me, Rich.

We got standards.

Hey, I heard about what happened down at Yabbos.

I am so proud of you guys.

You may not believe it, but we're pretty proud of ourselves, too.

Good, then I'm sure you'll be glad to sign our petition to shut down "Dirty Harry's."

The mud wrestling place? Why would you want to close that down?

Because it's sexist.

It is?

JT, come on. Women in bikinis rolling around in mud

while men hoot and throw money at them?

I guess it's a little bit sexist.

Guys, be honest.

How would you feel if that was you up there

wrestling around in the mud while

a bunch of women were oinking at you like you were a pig?

What night does that happen?

Oh, please, admit it. It would be degrading.

Okay, it would be a little degrading.

Good, good.

Then sign our petition and let's shut this mud wrestling joint down.

[RICH GRUDGINGLY SIGHS]

This is great. We're gonna have this place shut down by tomorrow night.

Come on, ladies, to the mall, we need more signatures.

Yes.

Call me.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

I can't believe we just signed a petition to shut down

the mud wrestling place.

I hate being a sensitive guy.

You know, um...

Even if they get all those signatures, they're not gonna close the place until tomorrow

and, uh, tonight iscreamed corn night.

We're there.

Ah, oh, oh, oh.

Oh!

Get along little dogie.