Original subtitles

I'm in a really bad mood today.

So was I,

but then I started to paint my nails in sunshine orange,

and now I feel terrific. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I have to pick a major by next Monday or my life is ruined.

I thought you were going to be a history major.

Yeah, I also thought about English,

psychology,

anthropology,

pre med, pre law and architecture.

At one point, I was so desperate,

Well, it's your own fault for having so many interests.

I mean, it's times like this

Hey, hey. Ha-ha.

It's the Foster freaks.

Lookin' good today, ladies.

Yes, Dana, you have a

particularly lovely glow about you.

What are you two nitwits so chipper about?

Did your inflatable women finally, say yes?

For your information Barky, we figured out what we're going to major in.

That's right. We're combining two fields we're both very interested in.

Anatomy,

and physical education.

What kind of major is that?

B-ding! B-ding! Hey!

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I've found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ The second time around ♪

Hi, I'm Dana Foster.

I'm here to take your career placement test.

That'll be seventy five bucks.

It's expensive, but

Yeah, I went through that, too.

It was really hard trying to find a major.

So, what did you end up doing?

I dropped out of school.

But it worked out fine. You know,

I got this great job here.

I work about fifteen hours a week.

[OZZIE CLEARS THROAT]

Test?

Oh?

Here you go. [CLEARS THROAT]

Happy testing.

Thank you.

Oh, God, Barky's here.

Me? What are you two doing here?

You're not gonna believe this.

He says it's not a "legitimate field of study."

Yeah, so we got to come here and

take this stupid test to find out

Hey, here's my money. Give me two stupid tests.

Okay, cool.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Happy testing.

This one.

Actually--

-I want this one. -Get out of here, man.

-En garde. -En garde.

Hey, would you two dueling dimwits knock it off.

This test is very important to me

and I would appreciate

-Yeah, okay, fine. -Sorry.

Psst.

What are you putting for the first one?

Rich Halke.

Not your name, doofus. The first question.

-Foot fight! -Foot fight, en garde!

Hi, Frank.

Oh hi, honey.

FRANK: Oh? Hmmm.

What brings you down here, huh?

Well, remember a couple years ago

and you were really busy and

"Thanks, I owe you one?"

-Yeah? -Well,

we're even now.

No, it's no big deal.

Carol, you can't hire somebody

-for my crew. -I know.

I know, and I never would have done it,

it's just that his grandmother loaned me money

to start my beauty salon and I really felt that I owed it to her.

Well, couldn't you pay her back by giving her a perm or waxing her mustache, huh?

Well, Frank, jeez, you know,

I mean, her grandson really wants to learn the construction business

and you are the... Perfect teacher.

-Why? -Because,

because you have such strong, knowing,

hands and when people work

under you they really respond.

Hmmm... Jeez,

I can't even remember the question,

but I have a feeling the answer is yes.

Great, great. I'll go get him.

-He's here? -Yes.

Well, he's very eager.

Flash?

Hey, Carol, thanks a lot.

Well, Flash, this is my husband, Frank.

Good to meet you.

Thanks for giving me a chance, Frank. You're a wonderful guy,

Frank. It is Frank, isn't it?

Yes.

Well, I have to get back to the beauty salon.

So gee, I'm so glad to see you two hitting it off so well.

Really, really, I think this is going to be the...

The beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Really, I do. [CHUCKLES] I do, I do, yes.

Well, bye.

Wow, Frank, terrific lady.

Okay, so I guess you want to know something about my background,

my work experience, whatever. If you have any questions, you just ask away.

I'm an open book. I have no secrets. Go ahead, ask me anything.

Are you on something?

No, Frank, no drugs.

You mind, if I jog in place?

Flash, Flash, is it possible for you to just, stand still?

Sure. [STUTTERING] I don't have to keep moving.

I just need to let off a little steam now and then.

[SCREAMS]

So, what's going on today?

It's a condo remodel, Flash.

We're going to do a little work in the kitchen,

we're gonna do some work here in the family room,

the bedroom and bathroom

and we're thinking about replacing the sliding glass doors,

and putting in some French doors.

-Hey, Frank? -Huh?

I don't know. Let me see.

Let's do it.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Okay, huh,

door gone.

What did you do?

You said we were going to replace the slider

with French doors.

I said,

we were thinking about it.

Oh, man.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Hey, guys, mail's here.

You both got something from that, uh, testing place.

Ooh, ooh.

Lambert. Ah, Dana Foster!

Thank God,

[DEEP BREATH]

"Dear Miss Foster,

"our conclusion is you should seek the position of

"prison guard in a women's correctional facility."

A... A prison guard?

Oh, yeah, a guard in a chick's jail, you're perfect for that.

This stinks.

I mean, it's bad enough that some people gotta get stuck in jail but,

now they gotta wake up to your ugly face every morning.

Clearly, there is something wrong with this test.

I don't know, Dana. I think it's right on.

Mine says, I should become, uh,

a psycho-ologist.

A psychologist?

You can't even pronounce it.

Yeah, it's the perfect job for me.

Chicks will come in, lay down on my couch and pay me.

JT, you're an idiot.

I mean, What could possibly be more ridiculous than

you being a psychologist?

Paging Doctor Halke.

Doctor Rich Halke. Report to ER, stat.

The test said you should be a doctor?

Yeah! Get this,

I'm thinking of specializing in women.

Eighteen to...

Mrs. Lambert.

A doctor, man that's great. I'm going to be a psycho-ologist.

This is insane.

Sure, I can.

Would you like me to...

[EXHALES]

Listen to your heart?

Tup tup. Tup tup.

Demented gnome.

What a crock.

Me, working in a women's jail.

Ah, c'mon Dana, it's not that bad.

It's not like you meet a lot of guys, anyway.

Good shot, Dr. Lambert.

Thank you, Dr. Halke.

CAROL: I'm just calling to see how Flash is working out.

Oh, honey, he's working out just fine.

He started out by totally destroying a sliding glass door.

Then, he wallpapered a room we just painted and

he topped off the morning by backing my truck into a port-a-potty

while Virgil was still sitting on the throne.

Hey, Frank,

Big, big surprise.

I gotta go.

Look, I know I screwed up this morning,

but I worked through the break just to make up for that.

Do you like it?

I took out the cabinets like you told me to.

I told you to take out the bathroom cabinets,

not the kitchen cabinets.

Oh, no! [WHIMPERING]

Oh, no!

Okay, okay, okay, don't panic,

we'll just reinstall them. Now,

where are the cabinets that you took out?

Outside on the driveway.

Okay, then they're just fine.

-Uh, Frank? -Yeah?

I kind of backed over them with your truck.

Flash...

Are you mad at me?

No,

I'm not mad at you.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Stupid! Stupid!

Hi.

Cool, welcome back.

[CLEARS THROAT] Happy testing.

Look, the only reason I'm here is that

there's something wrong

with your moronic test.

a guard in a women's prison.

Do I look like I should be a guard in a women's prison?

I don't know.

Listen,

I demand to know

the criteria you use to arrive

at such ridiculous conclusions.

I would like to see my test.

I'm sorry, but, uh...

These files are for employees only.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Oh, it's the phone.

Newton Testing Center.

Yes, boss.

Uh huh, boss.

That was my boss.

He wants to see me right away.

Oh, yeah? Well, I would like to see him, too.

he's in the back room and that's for employees only, too.

But good luck with the prison guard thing.

That sounds really cool.

Jerk.

Feibish, Flavin, Foster.

BOSS: No, no, no Ozzie.

That's really nice of you, Mr. Boss.

But I'm not sure I'm ready to grade the tests.

I mean, I don't know anything about career placement.

Don't need to. Ozzie my boy, c'mon over here.

I'm gonna show you some of our

"scientific methods."

Okay, here, this one still hasn't been graded.

Uh, Beth Dorfman,

you are perfectly suited to be,

...prison guard.

That's the second time I landed on that one this week.

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

Hey, Barky, it's 1:00 am. What are you doing up so late?

Ah! Practicing for all those all nighters at the chick jail?

Very funny, JT.

They do their "scientific" evaluations

by flinging gum against the wall.

What are you talking about?

It's a scam. They take your money

and they make up any result they want.

It's true and it's not the first time

this Newton guy has run this scam.

He's being investigated in New York, Texas

and Arizona.

You found out all this stuff in one night?

Yup, and I'm putting it all in a letter to...

The Port Washington Timesand

the Better Business Bureau.

Hmmm.

"but he is really a parasitic vermin

"that sucks the life blood from America's youth."

Yow! Man, I hope this guy's wearing a cup when he reads this.

Hey, you mess with Dana Foster, you're going down.

I wish you could major in kicking butt.

Wait a minute, maybe you can.

You could be one of those investigative reporters,

you know like those old guys on Sixty Minutes.

Hmmm.

"Tonight on Sixty Minutes,

"Dana Foster kicks the tar out of the tobacco industry."

See, you're a natural when it comes to sticking it to people,

twisting it and breaking it off, you da' man.

Thanks, JT.

Gee, Frank,

Carol, the kid is a menace.

He hooked a high pressure hose to a bidet

and almost blew a woman through the ceiling.

Hi, Frank. I thought I heard someone out here.

Oh, hi, Carol.

but to make up for it,

I stayed up all night working on the kitchen.

You did?

I sure did.

Heck, it's not like I sleep anyway.

Come on, check it out.

So, what do you think?

New cabinets. New counters.

Wood paneling

and brand new French doors.

This is fantastic. You did this all in one night?

Well, like I said, not sleeping really frees up a lot of time.

Wow. Flash,

this is just beautiful.

[STUTTERS] I don't get it, Flash.

How come you can be

a total disaster one minute

and then the next minute you're a really good worker?

Well, Frank, I guess the best way to explain it is,

I'm kind of like nuclear power.

When harnessed and focused correctly,

we can light cities and propel submarines.

But if unfocused,

all we do is go...

[SHOUTS] Boooommm!

What are the chances that you could focus your,

uh, power for good,

rather than, you know, boom?

I'm not really sure.

Anyway,

Thanks for at least giving me a chance.

You two are the nicest people I've ever met.

Bye, Carol.

Bye.

Oh, boy. Uhh... Flash!

Yeah?

Listen,

I'm real impressed with the way you did this job in one night.

And if you can do work like this,

instead of going "boom,"

then, uh...

I'd like to have you on my crew.

-Really? -Yeah, really.

This is great.

This is incredible.

I love you, man. I swear to God, I love you.

I love you, too, Carol.

Wait till you see what Flash did. It is totally awesome!

Okay. Hey, Flash!

Yeah.

What's going on?

Well, Frank,

So I installed a new stereo system in your truck.

It's got 1,500 watts, a graphic equalizer,

and a bottom end booster that'll rock your world!

Well, that's real nice of you, Flash.

Hop on in the truck and give it a listen.

Okay, okay. Don't mind if I do.

There's nothing more relaxing that listening to a little music on the way to work.

He's gonna love this.

Hey, Frank! Hit the booster if you want a little more bass!