Original subtitles

Oh, wow! French toast and bacon.

[CHUCKLES] What's the occasion, huh?

Well, I know it's your favorite breakfast

and I haven't had time to make it since Lily was born, so...

Oh, you make the best French toast

and that's my second favorite thing you do.

-Ooh! -They both begin with "French."

Hey, hey, hey! We're eatin' here.

No geezer sex talk.

Good morning, Lamberts!

I smell breakfast.

Rich, don't you ever knock?

I don't need to. JT gave me a key.

Ooh! French toast!

[CHUCKLES]

I love French toast.

-Hey, Rich. Rich, hey, hey! -Hmm.

This is my place.

Sorry! Bad Rich!

Head, head of the family, head of the table. Sorry.

Hey, Rich, is there a reason you stopped by today,

or was it just to suck up our food?

Yes. There was, actually.

I brought you guys somethin'.

There you go, JT, Brendan, Mark, Mr. L.

And the lovely...

...ever curvaceous...

...easy on the eyes, Mrs. L.

-Thank you, Rich. -Welcome.

Okay, let's see.

"Dear close personal friend.

"Do not throw this letter away.

"It is not a joke.

"Its message has traveled millions...

"...of miles to reach you."

Rich, you sent us chain letters?

Yes, I did, and all you have to do

is send copies to 20 people

and you'll all be rolling in good luck.

Man, this is just some lame superstition.

Oh, yeah? Well, explain this to me.

Yesterday, I mail my letters.

I go home, turn on the TV.

Boom! We have the Playboy channel.

It was the best...

...three minutes of my entire life.

Well, Rich, I don't want you to take this personally

but really, I think chain letters are a waste of time.

-Here you go, Frank. -Mmm, thanks, honey.

You see, Rich, I don't believe

that not sending out a chain letter

makes you have bad luck.

-Oh, ow! -What?

Oh, Carol, I chipped a tooth.

Honey, look. You see?

See? Talk about your bad luck, huh?

I guess you won't be eating this then.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future Could you pay the cost

♪ You wonder Will there ever be A second time around

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a woah-a When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step

-♪ Day by day -WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall the stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Aw, this was such a good idea

to go snowboarding this weekend.

Oh, I love the mountain air

the freshly fallen snow.

A lounge full of hotties drinking toddies.

Amen to that!

Al, you just broke up with Matt last week.

I, uh, thought you would still be in mourning.

Well, I am, I just need a really good looking guy

to help me work through the grief.

That is the spirit, Al. We are here to have fun.

Now, let's, uh, check out the lounge talent

and see if we can find three guys named Jean Claude.

KAREN: No. No.

Acrylic sweater.

Hat hair.

Hello, boys!

I think we just found the Baywatch bobsled team.

Hello, girls!

I think we've just found love, American style.

I must meet that dark haired one.

[CLEARS THROAT] I have to caution you, Your Majesty.

The king will be furious

if he finds out the crowned Prince of Calderon

is consorting with American commoners.

Charles, please.

You're watching too much masterpiece theater.

We're on holiday. I want to meet her.

-I'll fetch her for you. -Ralph!

I hired you for the weekend to be my bodyguard

not my social director.

Besides, I don't want her to know I'm a prince.

For once in my life, I want a woman

to like me for who I am.

Not my royal title.

So, for this weekend, I'm not Prince William.

You're not my Secretary of Protocol.

And you're not my bodyguard.

We're just three average, fun-loving guys.

They're coming over.

Dibs on the one in the gold sweater.

Oh, I call the green sweater.

Ahem. Good afternoon, ladies.

ALL: Good afternoon.

I was wondering why such beautiful women

are standing here all alone.

Well, not alone any more.

My name is Phil.

And these are my friends, Chuck and Ralph.

And we're three average fun-loving guys.

Well, um, I'm Dana. And this is Karen and Al.

And we are three above average fun-loving girls.

Uh, we've rented some snow-mobiles.

Would you like to go for a ride this afternoon?

-Oh, we'd love to. -Yeah, that sounds great.

Oh, geez! Snow-mobiles are so... Fast and wild.

I hope there's something big and strong

for me to hold on to.

I think they have seat belts.

Come with me, Ralph. I have so much to teach you.

Hey, everybody! Good news. Got some new shampoo samples.

-Oh, no. -Oh, come on, no.

You have to try it before I use it in the salon.

This is the latest shampoo from "Cesar Bijon."

It's called, "Wow, that's some kinda hair."

Good afternoon, Lamberts! Say hello to Mr. Lucky.

Hello, Mr. Lucky.

Any chance of you ringing Mr. Doorbell?

I thought about it. Just didn't wanna disturb you.

Anyway... My good luck streak continues.

Today in the mail, I received

a free tube of Super Poligrip.

Denture adhesive? How's that good luck?

Now I don't have to buy my grandmother a birthday present.

Well, here's some more good luck.

-A free shampoo sample. -Oh, fabulous!

Now I don't have to buy my parents an anniversary gift.

So, have you guys sent out your chain letters yet, huh?

Rich, man, chain letters are totally bogus, man.

We're not gonna have bad luck because we don't send them out.

[FUSE BLOWS]

[STAMMERING] Pull the plug, son.

Pull the plug. Oh, geez!

-Ow! -Oh, God, oh, God!

Are you, are you okay...

-Oh, God! -Ow, geez!

Mom, my computer's crashing.

Oh, quick, save everything.

Ah! Oh, I broke my nail.

-Ow! -Oh, sorry.

Ooh!

[CAROL MOANING]

Well, well, well.

Let's see.

Mr. Lucky.

Karen, your eyes are like

two pools of dark fire.

[LAUGHS]

Say it again.

Wow, Dana, your eyes are like...

...really close together.

Don't talk, Ralph.

Just, uh, sit there and look pretty.

Hey, guys!

Check this out.

He's from some place called Calderon.

-Never heard of it. -Oh, I think it's really small.

You know, whole thing is like a church and a goat.

Oh, no. The kingdom of Calderon has a population of 1.2 million.

And is the world's largest exporter of rolled anchovies.

[COUGHS]

I, um... Watch the Discovery Channel.

So, Al, what does this prince look like?

I don't know, but he's supposed to be

with two other guys and they're all supposed to be total babes.

-Refill? -Love one. [GIGGLES]

Come here!

All right, make it fast. I left Ralph in gear.

Don't you get it?

We are with the royal party.

Uh, Phil is the prince

and Chuck and Ralph are his royal roadies.

Wait, wait a minute.

What makes you think your guy's the Prince?

Maybe my guy is the Prince.

You guys, what are the odds

that we're with the royal party?

Anyway, who cares?

I'm with a guy with big muscles.

Ralph!

They're on to us. Blast!

I wanted Karen to like me for who I am.

Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't we tell them we're Hootie and the Blowfish?

You be Hootie, you can blow. I'll go fishin'.

Ralph, leave the brain work to us.

Sire, here they come.

Sorry, to, uh, keep you waiting.

We didn't mean to be a royal pain.

[MUMBLING NERVOUSLY]

Oh, really?

-[GIGGLES] No! -Yes.

In fact, he's here right now.

All hail, Prince Ralph!

I got the prince. I got the prince!

Karen, I command you to hurry up!

Better move it, Karen.

You're not even dressed yet?

I'm not going out today. I don't feel good.

but I've got a date with a prince.

You want me to go to the drug store and get you something?

No, that's okay.

Well, what? Do you have like a cold or the flu?

Look, I'm fine. Just go.

You're not really sick, are you?

You are just jealous because

Dana got the prince and you didn't.

Well, I'd be a much better princess than Dana.

I'm benevolent. I'm regal.

You know, Karen.

You are acting like such a spoiled brat.

I mean, yesterday you thought that Phil was pretty darn hot

and then now, today now today there's some prince in town

and you're ready to dump him.

Okay, let's see.

He's a sweet, honest, fun-loving,

decent guy, and you are a shallow stuck-up snob.

Yeah, I agree. He's not right for you.

-Oh, hey, Rich. -Hey, B-Man, how's it goin'?

-Great. Guess what? -What?

I just mailed out my chain letters

and on the way home, I found a $100 bill.

All right. See? Chain letters are good luck, huh?

You stick with the old Halke-meister here

and pretty soon, you'll be knee deep

in sixth grade chicky pies, eh?

-All right! -All right.

Oh, whoa! Bad news for your stepmom.

What?

Well, it says here they recalled all that

new shampoo that she gave us.

Apparently it affects your hair

in some weird kind of way.

Morning, Brendan. Oh, hi, Rich, you're here.

[LAUGHS]

Uh, JT, Rich is here again.

Uh, Mrs. L., I gotta tell you something

about your new shampoo.

Yeah, well, I think it's a winner.

It tingles, so you really know it's working.

Uh, well if, uh, what it says in this paper is true

I think I know why they call it, "Wow, that's some kinda hair."

Yeah? Well, let's see.

What's the matter? Why are you staring at my hair?

Uh, you better take a look.

[SCREAMS]

Honey, what is going... What?

Oh, what in the name of Bozo the clown

have you done to your hair?

[EXCLAIMS]

Oh!

It's a good look for you, Mr. L.

[JT YELLING]

How am I supposed to get chicks when I look like The Riddler?

MARK: Mother!

[GASPING] Look at me, look at me, look at me.

I'm a freak!

We always knew you were a freak.

Now you just have orange hair.

Why did this happen?

It's what I've been trying to tell you. Read the article.

Let me read it.

Let me read it. [GASPS]

Oh, my God!

The shampoo turns your hair orange.

Gee! You think?

Hey, how come you guys don't have orange hair?

Well, maybe, uh, we're the only two studs

in this room who mailed our chain letters.

Yeah, I guess that's why I didn't use that shampoo.

Yeah, me neither. I gave mine to my parents.

I gotta go.

WOMAN: [ON TV] Oh Trevor, I was such a fool.

I sought the trappings of fame and fortune

and now I'm alone.

Beautiful, yes, but oh, so alone.

Sing it, sister.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

PHIL: Karen, it's me, Phil.

Um, you can't come in. I'm contagious.

PHIL: I don't care.

I've wrestled crocodiles with my bare hands.

I believe I can handle a runny nose.

Okay, come in.

[SIGHS] Don't look at me.

Oh, I'm a mess.

I think you look... Beautiful.

I've brought you some soup.

It's an old family recipe.

Phil, this is very sweet of you, but...

...shouldn't you be spending time with the prince?

The prince can wait.

It'll make you feel better.

You're being way too nice

and I don't deserve it.

Why not?

Because I'm not really sick.

The truth is...

I was just upset because you're not the prince.

And, of course, you wanted to be with a prince.

I'm sorry you were disappointed.

Oh, no. I'm not disappointed in you.

In fact, I'm pretty lucky to have someone

who cares enough about me to bring me soup.

I owe you an apology.

I've been acting like a real jerk.

It doesn't matter.

Thank you

for being so honest.

AL: Dana!

A woman of my station needn't tolerate such behavior.

The kid threw a snowball at you.

He was just fooling around.

Karen, darling, if you're well enough to receive visitors

you're well enough to bow when the royal party enters the room.

DANA: And you, Phil...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, you of all people

should know to bow in the presence of...

Uh, Dana, he really doesn't have to bow to me.

Of course he does.

You heard me, Phil. Hit it.

Dana, don't talk.

Just sit there and look pretty.

What are you talking about?

I do not have to bow to Ralph.

Because the truth is, Ralph is not the prince of Calderon.

I am.

Let the truth ring out from shore to shore.

Our Prince Phillipe is prince once more.

You mean you're really the prince?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner,

but I wanted you to see past the crown

and like me for who I am inside.

I do.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

If Phil is the Prince

then who's Ralphy boy?

I'm the bodyguard for the weekend.

You're the bodyguard?

And he's thinkin' about taking me back to Calderon.

And if I get married, me and the missus

get to live above the royal stable.

Ralph, uh... You're a lovely fellow

but I'm not gonna be marrying anybody's bodyguard, okay?

We do, however, have the rest of the weekend.

And we have the rest of the weekend as well.

Well, thank you very much.

Okay, good news, Frank.

The manufacturer's sending a rinse.

Oh, mom, Frank.

You'll never guess what happened to me this weekend.

What?

He thinks that I am the most

beautiful girl in the world. [LAUGHS]

Oh, I gotta go upstairs and call all my friends.

Uh, Karen, Karen. Come here.

Isn't there something you wanna ask your mom and me?

Oh! Oh, yeah. How was your weekend?

Colorful.

That's nice. I met a prince.

[CHUCKLES] Ciao.

Think we should tell her not to use that shampoo?

BOTH: Nah!