Original subtitles

Hey, you guys.

I came up with a product.

It's gonna full-on make me a millionaire, okay?

Heh. It's totally original and unique, all right?

It's gonna blow you away.

I call it "greeting cards."

Huh?

I don't think you're the first one

out of the chute with that idea.

Oh, yeah, right. Well, sure.

Hah. But what about all those other holidays

that other people don't give a hoot about, right?

Dig it, that's where my greeting cards come in.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh!

[CHUCKLING]

Cody, this is a hamburger.

Ah-ha! Correction, little cuz.

That's a greeting card

for National Fast Food Workers Appreciation Day.

[CHUCKLES] Look at the beef patty, man.

I carved in a little inscription.

[LAUGHS]

"Roses are red, violets are black.

"Thanks for washing your hands

"before you make my Big Mac."

That's it.

[SCREAMING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Well, Frank,

if I'd known all these couples are...

I mean, really, we look old enough to be their parents.

Oh, come on, honey, we are not that old, okay?

-Mrs. Lambert? -Mmm-hmm.

Hi, I'm Patti Richardson.

I was in Buttercup Girls with Dana.

You were my den mother.

[LAUGHS] Well...

Well, boy, look at you.

[LAUGHS]

All grown up. And with a baby.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

-Frank. -Huh, what?

Uh, this is Patti Richardson.

She was in Buttercups with Dana.

Hi, nice to meet you.

And this is my husband, Skippy.

Skippy.

And this is our son, Skippy Junior.

Oh, this must be Dana's little cutie pie.

Well, actually, she's our little cutie pie.

You two had a baby?

No way!

Well, luckily, Medicare paid for it.

You know, I saw a Sally Jessy about this.

I think it was called "Women Who Have Babies In Their Twilight Years."

[LAUGHS]

Isn't that nice?

Okay, everybody, welcome to family playtime.

The first thing I want to do

is have everybody give Mr. Playtime a great big kiss.

Well, hello, Mr. Playtime.

Oh.

Frank, I think she means the children.

Oh, I'm sorry, it is my first time.

Don't worry about it, we're just glad you're here.

It's always nice to meet the grandparents.

Actually, we're the parents.

[BABIES COOING]

Oh! Well...

Okay, let's move along to our first family playtime activity,

horsey races.

And mommies, you hold the babies in the saddle.

[IMITATING NEIGHING]

-[SNAPS] -Oh... Ah, geez, my back!

[GRUNTING]

Woo!

Ah, yes, two more graduates of the Ace Ventura Charm School.

[LAUGHING]

All righty, then.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Darn it all to heck!

Whoa! Stand back, everybody.

Snow White's having a meltdown.

I'm sorry you had to witness that outburst of foul language.

But I'm so ticked off at Tiffany Fisher.

Isn't Tiffany Fisher one of your best friends?

She knew that I had my heart set

She got him to ask her instead.

Darn.

Darn, double darn!

You know, chicks are always back-stabbin' each other.

Another example of how men are superior to women.

Mmm-hmm.

Another pearl of wisdom from Spud the talking potato.

Look, all I'm saying is, guys would never

trash a friendship over some stupid chick.

Exactly, J.T., buds are thicker than babes.

Yeah.

Yeah, right, all some girl would have to do

is come in here and bat her eyelashes

and the two of you would be at each other's throats.

[SCOFFING]

There is no girl who could ever

come between me and my buddy Rich.

Right on, J.T.

You're beautiful, man.

I love you, buddy.

Come on, man, let's go watch some tube.

Ooh! Bikini Carwash.

Maybe we'll see some nifty headlights.

Can you believe those jerks?

God, I would love to blow a hole in their

stupid "Buds are thicker than babes" theory.

I've got an idea.

What is it?

No, no, we couldn't. It's too mean, it's cruel.

J.T. and Rich would be humiliated.

Let's do it.

Hey, Uncle Frank, dude. [CHUCKLES]

Check it out, man. I got a new greeting card.

It's for National B.O. Day, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Cody, this is a can of deodorant.

Well, yeah, dude, take off the cap.

Look inside, bro.

It's gonna blow you away.

"Roses are red.

"Carnations are pink.

"I love you, man, but, dude, you stink."

I'll take two.

I got a couple of French guys working in my crew.

[CHUCKLING] All right.

All right, double stinker for Uncle Frank.

Frank.

You know, the ones from our playtime class.

And they want us to get together with them Saturday night.

Kenny and Bonnie, which ones are they?

has the bad back just like you.

Anyway, they want us to go to the Cobra Pit.

Cobra pit, What's a cobra pit?

Oh, Uncle Frank, man, it's like the coolest

new grunge rock club in town, man.

Hey, besides, hey, you get a chance to see

People Puking Their Guts Out.

[LAUGHS]

Why would I wanna see that?

'Cause that's the name of the band.

People Puking Their Guts Out.

They're like the coolest new

grunge rock band around, man, heh.

Hey, a word to the wise, old man.

You don't wanna sit in the front row

unless you're wearing a poncho.

[LAUGHING]

Well, I know it's not our kind of place

I just don't want our daughter growing up

thinking her parents are a couple of old fuddy-duddies.

Hey, hey, hey, I am not a fuddy-duddy.

All right, okay, what is Hootie & the Blowfish?

It is what's on Discovery Channel

after Shark Week.

[IMITATES BUZZER] Fuddy-duddy.

[LAUGHS]

Frank, Hootie & the Blowfish just happens to be

the biggest, hippest rock band in the country.

And you would know that if you watch MTV

like I did this morning.

Okay, I'll go.

Okay, I'll call.

-Hey, Cody. -Dude.

Oh, bro, just wear what you're wearin' now.

But, two minor adjustments I would make...

Rip that down here and...

Yeah, you're cool. Hey.

Put a little spit in you hair, you'll be stylin'.

Oh, come on, Uncle Frank.

The chicks will be all over you.

Are you eating candy in here or something?

It smells like fruit.

Oh, no, man, those are Lilly's pacifiers.

They're pretty good, they come in fruit flavors.

Are you out of your mind?

No, they're really good, here.

Check it out, this one's strawberry.

Knock yourself out, man.

Oh, good, the boys are up from their naps.

Uh, we were just testing, uh, Lilly's pacifiers.

You know, uh, safety reasons. Right?

Yeah.

Wow.

Dana, you didn't tell me

this is where all the cute guys hang out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just infested with them.

Uh, this is J.T., my stepbrother

and his wacky sidekick, Rich Halke.

Hi, I'm Brandi.

Brandi, ha-ha, that rhymes with handy.

And candy.

Huh, that too.

And Rich Halke.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

The sweater's all mine.

Pleasure's all mine.

The sweater's a pleasure.

It's a pleasure-sweater.

Um...

Brandi, why don't you have a seat

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMS]

So, uh... [WITH ROLLED R] Brandi.

Uh, into astronomy, huh? Yeah, me too.

I'm a Virgo.

That's astrology, you moron.

Astronomy is the study of the astronauts.

[SCOFFING]

You know, I'm kind of thirsty.

Is there any chance I can get something cool to drink?

BOTH: I'll get it.

You're not gettin' nothing, it's my house!

I'll get the glass.

Don't call me peewee, I hate it when you call me that!

[CHUCKLES] Wow, you were right, they fell for it.

Of course, they fell for it, are you kidding?

Those morons would have to study all night to pass a urine test.

[BUBBLING]

Hey, J.T.

Don't ask me why, but for some reason

Brandi Hartman has not stopped talking about you.

Really?

Go figure.

Oh.

"J.T., I want you. Call me. Hurry. Brandi."

Oh, God, I gotta call her!

[LAUGHS]

Yup, J.T. Lambert's about to step

into the big leagues of love, ha!

Oh-ho-ho, you're about to step into it, all right.

Hello, Brandi.

Well, look, what do you say we go out tonight?

You can't? Why not?

Rich Halke?

Well, he's lying. I don't have any secrets.

I am too anatomically correct.

Well...

Then there's a few things you need to know

before you go out with Rich.

Well, yeah, for starters

Yeah, oh, it's bad--

Get off the phone!

Hey, he's lying, he's just jealous.

You know how guys get about that...

So what? He wears his mom's underpants.

I'll call you back.

You slime ball!

Where'd you get off telling Brandi

I dress in my mom's panties?

Hey, you told her I don't have all my guy parts, man.

You stink!

-Me? -Yeah, man.

I finally find a chick who's got the hots for me

and you go behind my back and try to screw it up.

Hots for you? Brandi's got the hots for me.

-Oh, yeah? -Yes!

"J.T., I want you. Call me. Hurry."

Uh-huh.

Um, I got the exact same note.

Dana gave it to me after class.

Wait a minute.

Dana gave me my note, too.

someone's trying to make us the butt of their joke?

Yeah, and Barky is the butt master.

Oh, this really ticks me off.

I can't believe we fell for this!

Yeah, well, like they say, Rich...

Don't get mad, we get even.

Mmm, I like the way you think, buddy.

Between the two of us, we've got one brain.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I ain't slowing down for no one

Woo!

♪ Oh, can't you see I'm here to stay? ♪

Carol, isn't this place righteous?

Yeah, totally ragin'.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, coming through.

Oh-ho-ho, excuse me, whoa, whoa, excuse me.

Excuse me, thank you.

I love your hair, Carol, it's like...

So filthy.

Yeah, well, it took four hours to get it this way.

[LAUGHING]

I think there's something wrong with the speakers,

they sound blown out!

It's a big hit, it's called Train Wreck.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hank Williams.

Don't you listen to anyone a little younger?

Hank Williams, Jr.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

He's so funny.

Oh, they're playing Nails On A Chalkboard.

I love this song!

What's crunch dancing?

Come on, we'll show you.

You just kinda stretch...

Just crunch.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

You wanna fight? We can take it outside, pal.

He's not fighting, Frank, he just wants to crunch with you.

Hey, little man!

You're starting to tick me off.

Fun? I think these people are rioting here...

Oh, come on, Frank!

Just go with the flow.

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Ooh, ow, oh-oh, oh, my back, ow.

New dance!

[GROANING]

Here we go.

Thanks.

It's too bad you guys have to call it a night.

It's only 3:00 a.m.

Yeah, sorry I'm so beat.

I just over-crunched at the club.

Bummer.

down at Sheboygan.

It's called Hell.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Why don't the two of you just go to Hell without us?

Okay, cool.

Well, I'd walk you to the door

but I'm getting kinda cramped up.

So, bye.

Well, then I guess we'll just see you in class nest week.

BOTH: Bye.

CAROL: Bye.

[GROANS]

Well... I thought

that was an interesting evening.

[SIGHS]

Carol, I was punched, I was kicked,

and some freak bit me on the ankle

and asked me out for cappuccino.

Well, okay, I guess it was a little strange.

But I just don't want Lilly growing up thinking her parents

are a couple of boring geezers.

[SIGHS]

Carol.

we're a couple of boring old geezers.

Mick Jagger's kids think he's a boring old geezer.

Yeah, I guess we should just be who we are, huh?

Yeah.

My 18 hour bra gave up on me three hours ago.

J.T.: I'm sick of you, peewee!

RICH: Don't call me "peewee!"

I'll call you whatever I want, you traitor.

What's the problem, guys?

Uh, yes, why don't you tell this big goon

to stay away from Brandi?

Oh, yeah, right.

want with a dipstick like you?

Guys, whatever happened

to "Buds are thicker than babes?"

Well, that was before I found out

J.T was such a low life scuzzbucket.

If you'll excuse me, I'm outta here.

Don't you leave!

Get back over here!

[LAUGHS]

Take it back!

No way, scuzzbucket!

Oh, you're gonna pay for that, pal.

Ow! That hurt!

J.T.: Oh, you think that hurt?

Well, wait till you feel this.

No-no, J.T., put down the shovel, man.

Now, come on, you're scarin' me.

No! No!

[SCREAMING]

[RATTLING]

Rich! Rich! Wake up!

Wake up, man! Rich, oh, God!

Dana, you gotta help me!

What did you do?

and I lost my mind and...

and now he's not breathing.

We gotta do something.

Do you know CPR?

Well, yeah, of course.

Go help him, I'll call 911.

DANA: Oh, my God.

Yes.

Well, he's got a heartbeat. Rich, come on.

Come on, breathe for me. Breathe, come on, Rich.

The paramedics are on their way.

He's got a pulse, but he's not breathing.

Oh, God, we're losing him.

Oh, Dana, Dana, uh, do something!

Uh, give him, mouth to mouth. Hurry, hurry.

Right, right, okay. Okay.

J.T., I'm so sorry, this is all my fault.

Uh, okay, just don't talk, just keep breathing!

Keep breathing!

Shut up, don't talk, save him, save my little buddy!

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

I am alive!

Dana, you did it, it's a miracle.

You brought my buddy back! [LAUGHS]

And I got it all on film.

DANA: You!

You're despicable!

Don't forget brilliant.

That's right, Dana, you know, you are one hot little kisser.

I bet you could bring lots of guys back to life.

Where are you goin'?

Inside, to boil my lips!

She likes me.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, you guys know where I could find some matches?

Oh, um, try the drawer right there.

Oh, right on.

What do you need 'em for?

National Demolition Workers Day.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, man, you know...

who serve mankind by wrappin' the yellow tape

around condemned buildings and then blowing them

to kingdom come.

[LAUGHS]

Talk about your explosive ideas.

[LAUGHS] I love it.

Nah.

[COUGHS] Ho-ho-ho. Yeah.

That worked great.

[LAUGHS]