Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah.

Is today a beautiful day or what?

This kind of day just makes you glad to be alive, don't it?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey there, sunshine. How'd your day go today?

Men are scum.

Do you hear me? Scum, scum!

Problems on the love boat, Dana?

I show up for my date 15 minutes early, and I catch him

making out with Katie Boyce.

I hate men.

Hey, well, cheer up, Dana, man! Heh.

Saturday is Valentine's Day.

DANA: Shut up!

[SCREAMING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Oh, J.T.

Wait till you see the watch that I got Carol

for Valentine's Day. She is gonna flip.

Check it out.

[CHUCKLING]

Whoa! Man! A Swiss Roulette?

These babies cost a fortune.

Yeah, but not necessarily.

That is what people in the jewelry business call

a, uh, parallel brand item.

In other words, it's a fake.

J.T., Carol has always wanted a Swiss Roulette watch.

And I would love to get her the real thing.

But I went down to Bidwells and found out

they cost $900.

As much as I love her, I can't afford that.

I could barely afford the bag.

But Dad, if you gave her this fake watch and pretend it's the real thing,

isn't that kind of like a parallel truth item?

Son, when you get married,

you will realize that there is a deeper,

more spiritual truth, that is just as important

as the actual truth.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll give you an example.

You're home with your wife, you're watching Baywatch.

And she says...

"Honey, do you think that girl in the bikini is beautiful?"

Now, the actual truth is...

"Beautiful, my God! I'd sell my soul to see her naked."

But the deeper, more spiritual truth is,

"That girl? Honey, compared to you that girl is dog food."

All I can say, Dad,

is if you watch Baywatch with your wife,

you know nothing about marriage.

Mail call. Heh heh.

It's your red-hot pre-Valentine's Day mail.

Let's see now. What do we got here?

Oh, Sports Illustrated for Brendan.

Cool.

Rush Limbaugh Newsletter. That's gotta be for Mark.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh! Here's a mysterious little missive

for the pretty blonde over there

reading the guy-hater book. [CHUCKLES]

Who is it from?

Uh... Ooh, some dude named "Secret Admirer."

[WHISTLES]

Throw it out.

Aw, come on, Dana. Hey.

You may already be a winner.

[CHUCKLES]

But you gotta enter to win.

Cody, if you're so interested, then why don't you open it?

Okay, I will.

Let's see what's in this puppy, huh?

Secret admirer. Heh-heh.

Let's see.

"Dear Dana..." [CHUCKLES]

"I've never written a letter like this before,

"but every time I see you on campus,

"I am overwhelmed by your beauty and grace."

[WHISTLES]

Wow, Dana, sounds like somebody's got a crush on you.

I don't know about you, man, but if I was a chick

I'd be all over this dude. Ha ha!

Yeah, right. Okay, so I'm supposed to melt, right?

Because some guy says, uh...

"You have a face like a Botticelli angel.

"If Michelangelo had had the chance

"to paint your porcelain skin

"and classic features,

"the world would have a true masterpiece."

Yeah, so, he knows how wonderful I am. Big deal.

Oh.

"The most magical thing about you is, not only are you brilliant..."

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] "...but you have an impish spirit."

[CODY CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[CHUCKLES]

I wonder who Dana's secret admirer is.

[CHUCKLES]

Dude, it's me.

[LAUGHING]

-You? -CODY: Yeah, buddy.

Look, man, shh...

Every time Dana gets dumped on by some dude, man,

she turns into this, like,

wretched, bitter old hag, you know,

and scares everybody away. Ha ha.

Yeah, I figured if I wrote her a secret admirer letter,

it might get her to lighten up.

She'd get a dude just like that, right?

-You're a genius, Cody. -CODY: Ha ha! I know.

I deserve a hug. [LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

A Swiss Roulette watch?

-Do You like it, huh? -Oh, like it? I love it.

Frank, I've wanted one for years. [GASPS]

It is so beautiful, Frank,

but you have to take it back.

It's too expensive.

Oh, honey, come on.

I really wanted to give it to you.

But it's so extravagant.

Yeah, but no, no, no. Now, listen.

Nothing's too extravagant for you.

Here, just, just put it on.

Put it on your wrist.

-Oh, wow! -See, see how it looks there.

-Huh? -Oh, oh, Frank.

Oh, it's just the most beautiful gift I've ever gotten.

Well, beautiful gift for a beautiful woman.

-Oh, I feel so guilty. -Why?

Well, because you gave me this gorgeous gift

and I haven't gotten you anything yet.

Oh, no, no, that doesn't matter. It doesn't.

Hey, if you're really miserable, I...

I can think of something you might do to

tide me over. [CHUCKLES]

Hello.

Hello. May we help you with something today?

Yes, my husband bought me a Swiss Roulette watch

for Valentine's Day, and I'd like to return it.

The Swiss Roulette is an excellent watch.

I hope there's nothing wrong with it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's wonderful, it's just...

It's a little too expensive, and I'd rather use the money

to take my husband on a romantic trip.

I see. Well, if you'll just give me the watch

I'll be glad to write up the return.

Okay. Here it is.

Do you have a receipt for this?

No, it was a gift.

But you're sure it was purchased here?

Oh, yes, it came in this bag.

See? "Bidwells, since 1925."

And I suppose you want cash.

Oh, that would be great.

That way I can just run across the street

to the travel agency and book our trip.

Well, of course. Just, just...

Mr. Halliday, uh, we have one of those return situations

which requires your attention.

And please bring out those new bracelets.

We just got some beautiful bracelets from France.

Fifty percent off.

Oh. Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to just try one on.

[CHUCKLES]

-Hello. -Hello.

I'm Mr. Halliday, and you are?

-Carol Lambert. -Oh, that's nice.

What're you doing?

-I'm arresting you for fraud. -No, I--

You tried to return a counterfeit watch for cash.

Counterfeit?

Go on, Ethel, call Bunco, blondie's going downtown.

But... But this was a, a gift from my husband.

Frank.

Ladies, guess what?

I just got the fourth letter

from my secret admirer.

Ooh!

What did he say?

Oh, just that I'm fairer than the evening air

clad in the beauty of a thousand stars.

[BOTH SQUEALING IN DELIGHT]

This is so cool! God, I wish we knew who this guy was.

I think I know who it is.

There is this gorgeous, gorgeous guy named Danny

who works down at the Bear's Lair.

He's like this Brad Pitt, Billy Baldwin, Val Kilmer

rolled into one.

Well, how do you know that it's him?

Well, he is an English lit major, which means that

he knows poetry, and he's been smiling at me lately, you know,

in that special way.

[SCREAMING IN DELIGHT]

I'm gonna go down there after my 4:00 class

and tell him that I have a crush on him too.

[BOTH SQUEALING]

-I love Valentine's Day. -KAREN: Go get him, Dana.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

-Hello, you beautiful people. -Hey.

-I love you guys. -Oh! [CHUCKLING]

Boy, somebody's in a chirpy mood today.

-[CHUCKLES] -Yeah.

Yeah, you know Dana's excited because she got another letter

from her secret admirer.

Oh, hear that, cuz?

Dana's in a good mood 'cause of her secret admirer.

I wonder who the mysterious Romeo might be, huh?

[BOTH SNICKERING]

Oh, Dana knows who he is.

She does?

Oh, yeah, there's this guy named Danny who, uh,

works at the coffee shop across from campus.

Oh, she's going down there after her 4:00 class

to tell him that she's hot for him too. [GIGGLES]

[GASPS] Uh-oh.

[IMITATES RADIO STATIC] Houston, we have a problem.

Hey, son.

Hey, Dad.

So, how did Carol like her fake watch?

[CHUCKLES]

You be quiet.

For your information, she loved it.

In fact, I got a special little love note in my lunch box

thanking me for it.

Dad, I hate to tell you this, but you're going down, man.

Carol's gonna know you're trying to pull something.

J.T., you are wrong. She loved the watch, she's happy.

End of story.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Carol.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll tell him.

So, what was that, huh?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man. Carol just told me the funniest story.

Yeah, she tried to return the watch you bought her,

but, uh, it was a fake.

Oh, but of course, you already know that.

'Cause you're the one who bought it.

Anyway, she's in jail and she wants you to come get her out.

Oh, boy, you guys are gonna have so much to talk about.

Go! Go!

While you're down there, tell her you watch Baywatch.

[LAUGHING]

Good news, Trixie, I got a roommate for you.

Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.

Yeah, some Valentine's Day.

Hi.

I'm Trixie.

Yeah, I'm Carol.

Pleasure.

So, what're you in for?

I married an idiot.

[SIGHS] What're you in for?

Oh, I date a lot.

Lambert, you got a visitor.

Hi, honey.

I got your note,

where you told me

how much you love me.

You're angry, aren't you?

Well...

When they handcuffed me and booked me for a felony

I was angry.

But after the fingerprinting,

mugshots and the strip search,

I reached a whole new place

way beyond anger!

Oh, look, honey, I know I screwed up.

Yeah, but I posted your bail, and as soon as the paperwork's done,

we can go home and talk.

Well, Frank, right now I don't wanna go any place with you.

Why not? He's hot.

[GIGGLES]

Look, Trixie...

Sorry, private moment.

Look, Carol, uh...

I was wrong not to tell you about the watch.

But, gee, honey, it was Valentine's Day

and I wanted to do somethin' real special for you.

Oh, so you bought me a fake watch and made me feel

like a fool when I found out it wasn't the real thing?

Oh, I would never want you to feel like a fool.

I love you more than anything in the whole world, Carol.

I suppose, I could have got you

flowers or candy

but for Valentine's Day

it just didn't seem like enough.

You deserve the best things money can buy.

I just can't afford to buy 'em.

Oh, Frank, I would have been happy if all you gave me

for Valentine's Day was a kiss.

Does that offer still stand?

Absolutely.

Oh, wow.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Dana, right?

Right.

It's nice to see you again.

Oh, well, thanks. It's good to see you too.

What can I get for you?

Well, I've been...

secretly admiring the scones.

Secretly admiring them?

Uh-huh.

Okay. One secretly admired scone coming up.

Hey, Dana. Dude, I gotta talk to you. [CHUCKLES]

Cody, no. Not now.

Hey, listen, this is really important.

There's something you gotta know

about the guy that wrote you those letters.

[SCOFFS] I know everything I need to know.

He's tall, good looking, and getting me a scone right now.

So beat it.

Yeah, there's something that you just

don't understand about what's going--

Here you go, one hot buttered scone.

No, I don't have any jumper cables in my purse.

Go call AAA.

There's a pay phone, right over there.

It's on the house.

-Oh, thank you. -Sure.

Listen, um, I'm really glad you came in here again today.

I've seen you in here before but I just haven't

had a chance to talk to you.

Well, talking is okay, but sometimes,

writing a letter says so much more.

-Ah. -[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Bear's Lair.

Yeah, she's right here.

It's for you.

-Hello? -Hey, Dana, it's me.

Hiding by the phone booth.

Listen, I hate to do this to you over the phone, okay?

But listen, you are really about to embarrass yourself, all right?

So, this is what you gotta do.

You gotta pay for the scone, get up,

act perfectly natural, come outside

and meet me over at the fountain by the student union building.

Okay?

I'll be wearing the same thing I'm wearing right now.

Wrong number.

Hey, dude. Ha ha!

Listen, man, uh...

Are these the only Danishes you got here?

No, we got some cinnamon rolls in the back.

Oh, killer, man, cinnamon rolls are perfect.

Hey, I'll take a dozen to go, all right?

Uh, hey, could you wrap 'em up for me?

-Individually. -Sure.

-Like in foil. -Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Cool. Ha ha! All right.

-What are you doing? -Listen, Dana...

Dana, I gotta tell you about those letters, man.

See, uh, I kinda...

Wrote them.

No. [LAUGHS] No, no, no, no, no.

Those letters were written by a poet.

An artist, who can express intense emotion

in simple turn of a perfect phrase.

You mean like, uh, "Your eyes are fairer than the evening air

"clad in the beauty of a thousand stars?"

Why do you keep doing this to me?

-Why? Why? Why? -Hey, Dana. Dana.

Dana, Dana, Dana, stop.

Okay. [CHUCKLES] Listen, I, I...

[CHUCKLES]

I just wrote you the letters, you know, to cheer you up.

Oh, well, great. Congratulations.

I feel like a total idiot.

But why?

Every word I wrote you in those letters is true.

I mean, hey, you are one gnarly chunk of womanhood, you know.

You just like, uh, put up this wall sometimes, you know.

It says, "Keep out. No trespassing.

"Every trespasser will be shot, murdered and hung."

You know? [CHUCKLING]

So, so what? So, what're you trying to say?

You're saying that I'm defensive?

Well, yeah, man, you got a tougher defensive line than the '85 Chicago Bears.

[CHUCKLES] You know?

Dana, you're a great person, you just gotta

lighten up sometimes, and let people see it.

Yeah, that's great, Cody.

Yeah, I appreciate you saying that, but, uh...

Valentine's Day is still crock.

Here you go, a dozen cinnamon rolls to go.

Oh, cool. Thanks, man.

Uh, here you go.

-Thank you. -Ten bucks. Okay.

-Keep the change. [LAUGHS] -Thanks.

So, phew. Ever have one of those days?

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Now listen, uh...

I'm gonna take a chance.

You probably have a boyfriend, but,

would you like to go to a movie sometime?

You wanna go out with me?

Yeah.

I mean, it's weird. When you first started coming in here

you were a little cold and aloof,

but in the last week or so you've really opened up

and relaxed.

Yeah, well, I have a friend who's been helping me with that.

[PHONE RINGING]

Bear's Lair.

Yeah.

It's for you.

Hello?

CODY: ♪ Dana and Danny sittin' in a tree

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G

♪ First comes love

♪ Then comes marriage

♪ Then you see Dana puttin' the baby in the carriage ♪

"Dear Carol, I'm not used to saying things like this

"so I thought I'd tell you how I feel about you in a note."

Frank!

Yeah, honey, what?

Did you write this love letter?

[CHUCKLES] Go ahead, read it.

Oh, Frank.

Oh, this is so wonderful.

"You have a face like a Botticelli angel.

"If Michelangelo had had the chance

"to paint your porcelain skin

"and classic features,

"the world would have a true masterpiece.

"Love, Frank."

Oh, Frank, this is just the most romantic letter

I've ever received.

Cody wrote it, didn't he?

Every word.

Thank you for being honest.