Original subtitles

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

Cody, what are you doing?

Oh, man, I'm trying to scare myself. I've got this gnarly case of... [HICCUPS]

hiccups man.

It's really starting to torque my tight whites, you know.

Well, you know, Cody, hiccups are a mild form of heartburn.

Did you have anything spicy to eat last night?

No, nothing unusual.

Dinner salad, corn muffin... you know, six buckets of Doctor Satan's,

burn your mouth out, hot double jalapeno hot wings.

Man, I tried everything. [HICCUPS]

I tried holding my breath.

I tried drinking water. Now, I'm trying to scare myself.

Maybe it would help if I scared you.

Uh, dude, that's a killer idea. Okay, bro',

I'll just stand here and act casual.

You sneak up behind me and scare the snot out of me. Okay?

[CODY WHISTLING]

Yah!

Cody. Cody, stop.

Whoa. Dude.

Cody, you asked him to scare you.

Oh, that's right, I did.

Oh, dude, I'm sorry. Bro', you okay?

Come here, friendship hug.

♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're Putting it together

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step, day by day

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

♪ We'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

Uh, Frank, before you shave I used your razor to shave my legs, so you might want to

change the blade.

Thank you for the warning.

Sorry. Well, I guess now we're even.

Why?

Last night you left the toilet seat up and I fell in.

Sorry. Fair enough.

What are you reading, honey?

Robert Nicoll's new book, "Die, Mommy, Die."

Oh, geez, not another horror novel. It's gonna give you nightmares.

No, this one's not nearly that bad.

If you're going to read, so am I. Where's my Garfield book?

It's in your nightstand.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, yeah.

[MAN IN DEEP VOICE] "Die, Mommy, Die. Chapter One.

She was a normal housewife,

living in what she thought was a safe little town.

Little did she know that a deadly evil was lurking by her front door."

Uh, Frank?

Yeah, yeah?

Would you mind going downstairs and make sure the front door is locked?

Oh, come on, honey, we live in a safe little town.

Yeah, well that's where evil always lurks.

It's starting.

All right. All right [WHIMPERS]

If you would just read Garfield, we would both sleep a lot better.

I guess I should go.

-Okay. Bye. -Bye.

[BOTH SIGH]

-Bye. -Bye.

[STUTTERS] Uh, goodbye, Matt.

Oh, hi, Dad. We were just saying goodbye.

Really? I thought you were just trying to clean each other's teeth.

So, Matt,

goodnight.

Goodnight, sir. Bye, Al.

AL: Bye.

And goodnight, Al.

-Uh, Dad? -Yeah.

I gotta ask you something and you have to promise to keep an open mind. Okay?

Of course I'll keep an open mind. What is it?

Okay, um, Matt and a bunch of kids are going on this, weekend ski trip.

Can I go too?

Will there be a responsible adult there?

Does a really mature seventeen year old count?

Al, if there's not gonna be an adult there,

the answer's no. I'm sorry.

Why? Don't you trust me?

Oh, geez...

I just started a new book.

Al, of course I trust you. It's just that,

well how can I put this? Oh, I know.

Honey, teenagers are like bunnies.

Oh, man.

No, no, no. It's true.

This is good a good one. You're gonna understand it.

Okay? Now, listen,

teenagers are like bunnies.

You put a boy bunny together with a girl bunny and,

and... and... things happen.

And it's not because they're bad bunnies.

It's just that,

they can't keep their little paws off each other.

All right,

so what are you saying? That Matt and I are

hormone driven, crazed animals who can't control our sexual urges?

I knew you'd understand.

You got the bunny story right away.

Okay, watch the swinging duck.

You are getting very sleepy.

Dude, this isn't gonna... cure my hiccups.

Okay, I can't be hypnotized

because first of all, I've got a mind like a solid block of granite.

Okay, he's under.

Cody?

[IN A TRANCE] Dude?

I want you to go back to a time before your hiccups started.

Okay, fast forward through history.

The Garden of Eden, The Great Pyramids, the parting of the Red Sea,

"Let my people go," World War with Germany,

World War with Germany,

the Mets win the Pennant.

Okay, I'm at the chicken place.

I say to the dude...

"Hey, man, give me six buckets of Doctor Satan's, burn your mouth out,

double jalapeno hot wings." He says...

[MUTTERING]

No, dude. No cherry pie.

Now, Cody, I want you to cancel that order and it will be as if

you never ate those hot wings.

"Hey, dude, nix on the six chix."

Now, when I snap my fingers, you're gonna wake up, and your hiccups should be gone.

Hey, dude, it worked. My... [HICCUPS]

hiccups are gone.

CAROL: Please, don't. Don't! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sweetie, come on, you got to wake up.

-Here we go now, come on. -No, no, no.

Carol, honey, you're having a nightmare.

[SCREAMING]

Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

Let go! Let go! Let go! Let go!

God. [WHIMPERS]

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.

Gee, was I having another nightmare?

Yeah.

You've been having a nightmare every night this week.

Now, I want you to stop reading that stupid book.

Well, I can't. I'm just getting to the good part.

No more tonight. Please, just sleep tonight.

-Please. Okay. -Okay.

You won't see me reading any more tonight.

That's my girl. Okay. Goodnight.

-Goodnight. -Atta, my sweety. I love you.

[MAN IN DEEP VOICE] "Chapter Nine. The River of Blood."

That's great, JT.

Now if you could balance a ball on your nose, you could get a job at Sea World.

Only if I had whiskers like yours.

Hey, guys.

-Hello. -Uh, any calls for me?

Why? You expecting a call?

Well, Matt just told me he'd call me from the ski lodge.

No, he hasn't called yet, but I am sure he will.

Don't bet on it.

What is that supposed to mean?

Hey, Matt's up at a ski lodge, there's chicks there.

He's a healthy guy. Do I have to paint you a picture?

Al, don't listen to him, all right.

Not every guy is a horny wildebeest like JT.

Yeah. Some of 'em date Dana and totally lose their sex drive.

Al, I have, uh, very bad news for you.

I was at the food court at the mall, eavesdropping on conversations,

and I found out who took your place on the ski trip.

Who?

Stephanie Leifer.

Wa-- Wait a minute. Stephanie, "The Love Boat" Leifer?

Aye aye. [CHUCKLES]

Al, this is not good.

I hear when guys date "The Love Boat," they always get permission to board.

Okay. Alright, I've got to get there right away.

If she lays one hand on Matt, I swear to God, I'm gonna rip her throat out.

-Hey, hey, wait. I'm going with you. -AL: Why?

Because I don't want you driving angry. And, besides, if Stephanie is as

loose as everyone says she is, I gotta meet her.

[DOOR SLAMS]

JT: Whoa, great place.

Look, there's a hot tub. Romantic setting.

My guess is we're too late.

Shut up. I have to see what's going on.

Come on!

I can't see anything.

Hey, Al, look, look, there's a skylight. Why don't you climb this tree

and see if you can look in?

I don't know.

I don't think that branch can hold me.

Fine. Be that way, but I'm pretty sure Stephanie has a

can do attitude. Huh?

Help me up.

While you're up there, see if they're naked. If they are, I'll climb up there with you.

JT, put some snow down your pants.

[SLOW ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, my God. They're wearing bathrobes.

Wow. She moves fast. How come I never meet chicks like that?

JT, they're coming. They're gonna see us.

Bye.

Stephanie, uh,

don't you think we should, uh, you know, wait for the rest of the group?

I think they can find it on their own.

Oh, man, it's freezing out here.

Don't worry, you'll warm up in a minute.

[WHISPERS] Tramp.

Come on in. I won't bite.

[SIGHS]

Hey, this does feel pretty good.

Why are you sitting all the way over there?

I like it here.

Okay, then I'll come over there.

You seem like you're really tense.

Why don't I give you a massage?

Listen. I don't think that's such a good... oh.

Oh, yeah, [MOANS] right there. Oh, That feels great.

Hey, don't do that.

What's the matter?

You know that I'm going out with Al Lambert.

So? I mean, I don't see her anywhere around.

[SIGHS]

Look, I care about Al, so this just isn't going to happen.

Are you sure?

I mean, think about it.

No one else would ever have to know.

I'd know.

Yes!

[SPLASH]

Hello.

Here.

I don't get it. I mean, what made you think you couldn't trust me?

JT got me all worried, and then

when I heard the "Love Boat" was gonna be up here,

I thought you might be interested in taking a cruise.

Why would I do that?

Because she's really pretty.

And she was crawling all over you.

Yeah, and I blew her off.

[SIGHS] Look, Al, I only want to be with you.

I mean, a thousand girls like Stephanie could come after me,

and I'd still want to be with you.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What?

JT drove me up here. He's still out in the snow.

Anyways, I like to get away skiing at least a couple of times a year. You know,

it kind of relieves the tension of being a major film director.

You're a major film director?

Yeah. Yeah. I've got projects with Spielberg, Katzenberg, you know, all the bergs.

[LAUGHING]

Look, I may be easy, but I'm not stupid. Goodbye.

No, no, wait. Really. I just did lunch with De Niro.

Get a life.

Oh, man, this bites. I can't even catch a ride on the "Love Boat."

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[MAN IN DEEP VOICE] "The family she loved was no longer her family.

Whatever dark force consumed them, turned their eyes into a horrifying shade of

red and gave them an insatiable hunger for human flesh."

[WINDOWS SHATTERING]

Frank? Frank?

[WOMAN SCREAMS ON TV]

Frank? Is that you?

Mark?

Mark, what are you doing up? It's almost midnight.

Hi, Mom.

I couldn't sleep.

So I came down here to get a bite.

-[GRUNTS] -[SQUEALS]

Oh, Dana? Dana, you have to help me. There's something wrong with Mark.

Gee, he looks fine to me.

Oh, my God.

He must just be hungry

like the rest of us.

Brendan? Brendan.

We've got to get out of here before it's too late.

Oh, good. Carol's here. Now we can eat.

I can't wait to eat.

I hear we're having my favorite food... lady fingers.

[LAUGHING]

Is it dinner time?

I love dinner time.

Mom makes a great dinner.

Not my baby.

Frank! Oh, Frank, thank goodness you're not one of them.

Oh, there, there.

You're in good hands now.

[SCREAMING]

Who's ready for barbecue?

[ALL CHANTING] Dinner, dinner, dinner.

No, please.

I don't want to be eaten.

If you're hungry I'll make spaghetti.

No! No! No! No!

-Okay, come on. Wake up. Wake up. -[BOTH SCREAMING]

What? What? What?

Honey, Wake up. Wake up.

-Oh, geez. -[MOANS]

Oh, god.

Sorry, Frank. Did I have another nightmare?

Duh!

If you don't stop reading that book, I'm gonna go bald.

Uh, you're right, Frank.

-I'm not gonna read that book any more. -Thanks.

I really need something to help me get to sleep.

I've got something that'll help you get to sleep.

-Really? -Garfield.

Oh, I was hoping it would be sex.

It is.

[EXHALES, BURPS]

Uh-ho. Dude.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Cody, you're hiccups are gone.

I guess drinking all that water did the trick. Huh?

Oh no, man, I lost those hiccups yesterday. [CHUCKLES]

I was just drinking all that water because I was thirsty. You know?

Where are you going?

Bro', I just downed a five gallon jug of water, man.

Where do you think I'm going?

Gangway! Medical emergency!