Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, dude.

-What's up, Code? -Hey, what's happening?

Ah, not too much, man. I'm looking for a job

but the only thing I'm qualified for is telephone sales.

So what's wrong with that?

They want me to sell hearing aids over the phone.

No way, there's gotta be something better than that.

Let me take a look.

Hmm, do you have any knowledge of word processing

or any other computer skills?

Mmm, I got to level 9 on Donkey Kong.

[CHUCKLES] Dude, I don't think that's gonna get you 65 grand a year, though.

[LAUGHS] Let's see here.

College degree? No.

Phew! Responsible adult.

Mmm!

-Ah... -Don't think so.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh, here's one, dude. Check this out.

"Welcome to the exciting world of medical technology." Phew.

"If you're willing to submit to virtually painless

"brain experimentation..."

Look, "You can earn up to five bucks an hour."

No way, man.

Dude, you're on your own, huh.

I know a good job when I see one.

[CHUCKLES]

Man, I'm gonna go see if I can get my brain a job.

[CHUCKLES]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future? Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder Will there ever be A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better 'cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ Fresh start over A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ The second time around ♪

-Hi, honey. -Hi.

-Look what I got you. -[GASPS] Flowers?

-Yeah, and? -Candy.

-Yeah, your favorite. -Oh.

Okay, what's wrong?

Oh, come on, can't a guy just bring his wife

flowers and candy, huh?

And, and, and a $10 bill.

Okay, Frank, spill it.

Well, my mother's coming for a visit...

Oh, God!

Well, honey, she just wants to see the baby.

Oh, that's just an excuse.

The real reason she comes is to make me miserable.

You know, I say black, she says white.

I say high, she says low.

She contradicts everything I say.

-No, she doesn't. -See, you're just like her.

[SIGHS]

Well, I can't just call her up and tell her not to come.

Why not?

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Because that's her now.

[GASPS]

You knew she was coming, Frank, and you didn't tell me.

That's right, because I knew you would act exactly like this.

Yeah, well, if she starts telling me what to do

I am not gonna be nice to her.

You just do anything you want.

-Fine. Fine. -Fine. Fine.

-Hi! -Hi!

-Oh! -Oh.

Oh.

[SIGHS] How nice to see you.

I hope I'm not arriving at a bad time.

No, no, no, no. You're always welcome here.

-Hi, ma. -Oh, Frank, oh.

-How's my sweet little angel? -Well, I'm fine.

Not you, the baby. Where's my newest granddaughter?

Yeah, she's upstairs. Come on in, ma.

Hey, everybody, Nanna's here! Come on down.

They are gonna be so surprised to see you.

-Oh. -Hi, Nanna.

[GASPS] Oh, this can't be Brendan.

You're so big. It must be JT.

Nope, it's me! And guess what. I made the honor roll.

You're right. You're not JT.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi, grandma.helen/.com.

Grandma-dot-what?

We've been exchanging e-mail.

And we've even surfed the internet together.

By the way, thanks for downloading

Teri Hatcher's picture for me.

I thought it was a baseball player.

-[HELEN GASPS] -Look, Lily, it's Nanna.

Oh!

Oh, my!

Oh, come to me, my little darling.

Oh, hi, JT.

Yeah, Nanna's really cool.

She sends you money on your birthday.

Only until you're 18.

Uh, wait a minute, uh...

You mean I'm off the payroll?

But I was countin' on that money.

I still don't have a job yet.

Come on, you guys, go out and get Nanna's luggage.

Bring it in.

Let them do it. They're still getting paid.

Come on, go!

She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

-Well, thank you. -Aw...

You know, um, this blanket seems a little rough.

I know it's none of my business,

but, uh, what sort of fabric softener are you using?

Light And Fluffy.

That's your problem right there.

Mommy isn't using a liquid.

But have no fear, Nanna's here

and Nanna's going to teach Mommy how to do all the right things.

Al, if I did my hair like this

and got a really good tan

would I look like Pocahontas?

You're scary.

Guys.

I just signed us up for a class that every woman should take.

How to tell if a diamond is real?

No.

A woman's self-defense class.

It's taught by the police department.

I think it is every woman's responsibility

to learn to defend herself against an attacker.

[STAMMERING] Wait a minute, Dana.

Is this one of those classes where you learn

how to kick a guy in the groin and bring him to his knees?

-Yeah. -Cool, I'm in.

All right!

I don't know. This doesn't sound like much fun.

Karen, this isn't about fun.

This is about women standing up and saying,

"We're not gonna be victims any more."

It's about the sisterhood banding together and saying,

"Mess with me at your own risk."

Will there be any cute guys there?

Sure, it's a self-defense class and mixer.

Man, I'm telling you, this is gonna be

the easiest money I ever made.

Yeah, I got this great gig being a sparring dummy

for some chick self-defense class.

Yeah, yeah, it's taught by the police.

They put me in this padded suit.

I get to attack all the women in the class

while they try and fight me off.

Talk about your dream job, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

What are you laughin' about?

Nothing.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, it was just Barky.

Okay, Lily, come on, burp for mommy.

Carol, sweetie, you don't wanna pat her like that.

What you wanna do is rub her back in a circular motion

very gently, like this.

Uh, Helen, you know,

I do have some experience in burping babies,

and the way you're doing it just doesn't work.

[BURPS]

There.

That was a good one.

By the way, dear, have you, um, thought about

what sort of solid food you want to start her out on?

Yeah, I thought I'd start her on carrots.

Really? Have you thought about peas?

I started Frank out on peas and he's loved them ever since.

Frank hates peas.

Maybe it's the just the way you prepare them.

I'll give you my recipe.

Oh, Lily's gonna love Nanna's peas.

Not as much as you're gonna love Mommy's carrots.

Well, how are my three favorite girls?

Oh, Frank, I'm so glad you're here.

Carol and I are just discussing

what sort of solid food to start the baby out on.

Yeah, Frank, I think she should start on carrots,

but your mother thinks she should start on peas.

What do you think, Frank?

Yeah, what do you think?

What do I think?

Why, why not both?

Mmm-hmm, why not both? All goes down the little tube

and ends up in the diaper, anyway.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, look. You got a letter from the babysitting service, honey.

A babysitter? You got six kids.

What do you need a babysitter for?

Well, I need someone to look after Lily

when I go back to work.

You're going back to work?

Frank, you're not gonna let her go back to work, are you?

-[FRANK STAMMERING] -He is not letting me do anything.

I want to work. I like to work. Tell her, Frank.

Uh-huh. Oh, oh, she loves to work.

[LAUGHS] And, and I love her.

Yeah, but I love you too. [CHUCKLES]

I just love everybody.

All I'm saying is, I don't feel good

about your going back to work

and having my little granddaughter

raised by a complete stranger.

Come on, darling.

You and Nanna are gonna go for a little walk.

Hmph.

Well, Uncle Frank, I'd hate to be in your shoes.

Well, I don't blame you, Cody.

Who'd want to be caught between his mother and his wife?

I didn't mean that. I mean, I hate those shoes, dude.

[LAUGHS] I mean, yeah, you know.

Well, sure, that wife-mom thing is a drag, too, I guess.

-Yo, Codeman! -Hey, hey, hey!

It's Nanna-Nanna-Bo-Bana!

If I had a book, I'd give to grandma.

I love her more than green eggs and ham-a.

What've you been up to?

Well, I have just finished rewashing

all of Lily's clothes with the new fabric softener.

Oh, man, Nanna's fabric softener!

[LAUGHS]

Gotta love that, huh?

[CHUCKLES] I'm glad you said that.

I did your sheets too.

Oh, buddy!

Oh, you're the best Nanna in the whole world.

I'm gonna sleep like a baby tonight. Oh, dude.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, dear.

Oh, Frank, after I have finished putting away Lily's clothes

I'm gonna make you a big pot of your favorite pea soup.

Yeah, ma, ma, listen.

I, uh, I think we need to have a little talk.

If it's about Carol going back to work, I was wrong.

-Really? -Oh, yes.

If she she wants to work, that's her choice.

Well, I'm really glad to hear you say that.

And I'm sorry that I acted so emotionally.

It's just that I...

Well, I really couldn't handle the thought

of some stranger taking care of my little Lily.

Well, you don't have to worry about that.

Oh, but I do.

And that's why I have decided

to move to Port Washington

and be the baby's nanny myself.

Oh!

Great!

I knew you'd be pleased.

I'll let you tell Carol the good news.

Oh, she'll flip.

I'm a dead man.

All right, everybody on your feet,

and pretend you're being grabbed at

by an imaginary male attacker.

Now remember, it's elbow, stomp, flip, punch!

Ready? Go!

[GRUNTING]

Excuse me. Paula Abdul!

This is a self-defense class, it's, uh, not Dance Fever.

I'm just trying to give it some pizazz.

There's no pizazz involved here, sugar-britches.

It's all about survival. That means fighting dirty.

That's bitin', scratchin',

crushin' windpipes and kicking groin.

Yes! Empowerment!

Now I think it's time we practiced

on a real-life dirtbag.

[WHISTLES] Lambert, get out here.

Okay, ladies.

Who wants a piece of me, huh?

Me! Me! Me! Pick me!

What are you guys doing here?

Learning to defend ourselves against vermin like you.

You two know each other?

Sort of. Our parents are married.

INSTRUCTOR: Oh.

Well, you'll have to forget about those personal feelings

and just look at him as some vicious lowlife scumball.

I don't think there'll be any problem with that.

Alrighty then, let's rumble! Uh, ladies, take a seat.

Foster, come here.

All right, now pretend you're walking down a dark street.

Lambert, attack her.

[WHISTLES]

Hyah!

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

[DANA ROARING]

[CHUCKLES]

That felt great.

Now listen. Most important thing.

Once you get a guy down, don't let him up.

You gotta hit him like this.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, like this?

-[GRUNTS] -[GROANS]

-I think she's got it now. -Okay.

Nice job, hairball. On your feet.

All right, ladies. Line up. Single file.

God, I feel kind of bad for JT.

Me too.

He looks so fat in that suit.

All right, ladies.

The next move we're gonna practice

is something that's guaranteed to stop

your attacker cold in his tracks.

I call it...

Ringing the chimes.

And it goes something like this.

[GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES] That's it. Uh, I quit, huh?

[DOOR RATTLES]

Ladies, and...

Up! Up! Up! Up!

Mmm-mmm.

Boy, Nanna's pea soup, huh?

[CHUCKLES] I'm telling you, when God wants pea soup

he gets the recipe from Nanna.

Yeah, I bet he gets a lot of instructions from Nanna.

-Hey, Cody. -Hey, what's up, Uncle Frank?

-Hi, honey. -What are you so happy about?

Well, why shouldn't I be happy

when I'm thinkin' about getting my wife a new Cadillac?

You didn't talk to your mother, did you?

Uh-huh, yes, I did. [LAUGHS]

And she actually apologized

for even suggesting that you quit your job.

So what'd she say about the nanny?

That's where the Cadillac comes in.

Honey, she wants to move to Port Washington

and be the baby's nanny.

Oh, God, you said no, didn't you?

Well, I didn't say yes.

I guess I'll just be moseying on my way now.

Oh, no, no, no. Cody, you sit here.

I want Frank to know this is not just my problem.

What do you think of a 45-year-old man

who still can't stand up to his mother?

-Well, I guess he'd be kinda... -Immature? Exactly!

Even a four-year-old would have more guts than that.

So what do you think when he can't back up his wife

on a decision they made together?

-Well, I suppose that... -He's spineless? Exactly!

In fact, he's practically a jellyfish.

So what do you think this man should do?

Well, I guess he should...

Tell his mother she should get her nosy butt out of his house?

I could not agree more.

You know, Frank, I had a few things I wanted to say

but I think Cody pretty much said it all.

I'm sorry I had to be so hard on you, Uncle Frank.

It's not your fault, Cody.

Carol's right. It's time I stood up to my mother.

[LAUGHING]

Thanks, grandma.

Mom never lets us have ice cream before dinner.

Well, you're in luck. Nanna's in charge this week.

Hey, you guys, come on. Let's go outside.

There's this awesome solar eclipse happening.

Cody, it's night-time.

Yeah. Well, that's what they want you to think.

[CHUCKLES] Come on, you guys.

I'm just trying to get you out of the line of fire.

What's going on?

Mom, um, we really do need to talk.

Oh, what about?

[SIGHS] Well...

...you can't be the baby's nanny.

Why not?

Well, you're the nicest person in the world

and I love you, but...

Well, how would you feel if somebody came into your house

and told you what kind of baby foods to feed your child

or what kind of fabric softener to use?

Or just everything about how to raise your kid?

-But I'm only trying to help. -I know.

I know you are, but...

...when you try and help

you always wanna do things your way.

Which is fine if you're in your own house.

But this is Carol's house, mom.

And there can only be one Mrs. Lambert in charge here.

And that Mrs. Lambert is Carol.

So what you're saying is, I am a bossy, controlling know-it-all.

Yes.

God, I never thought this day would come.

Oh, come on now. I had to stand up to you some day.

Oh, I'm not talking about that.

What I'm talking about is

I have become my own mother-in-law.

Granny Lambert? Oh, she was so sweet.

She was a witch.

All she ever said was,

"You're putting in too much starch.

"Don't overcook the potatoes.

"You don't know how to clean the tub."

Oh, and now I'm doing the same thing to Carol?

Oh, she must hate me.

Oh, no, ma. No.

No, Carol doesn't hate you. She loves you.

She just, she just wants you to lighten up.

You know, let her do things her own way.

Well, she's right, you know.

This is her house and she should be the boss.

Thanks, ma.

-Oh, you had a very hard day. -[GRUNTS]

You must be starving. How about a bowl of pea soup?

Uh, ma...

...as long as we're being honest here...

-Frank? -Uh-huh?

I don't mind you standing up for your wife.

I don't mind not being the baby's nanny.

But please, don't mess with my pea soup.

Yes, ma'am.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, guys. Where's Cody?

We were supposed to play chess this afternoon.

Oh, he's not home yet.

It's the first day at that new medical job he's got.

I can't believe he's letting people experiment on his brain.

I hope he doesn't get messed up.

It's Cody. What's to mess up?

Hey, dudes.

What's happenin'?

Cody, what's happened to you?

Oh, it's all part of my new job, man.

[CHUCKLES] Today they shaved my head

and, uh, stuck these wires into my brain.

Every 15 seconds, this little gizmo shoots

1000 volts of juice right in the old cassava.

Whoa, incoming.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

[SCREAMING]

Whoa.

[CHUCKLES]

Dude, and they pay me for this.

Talk about easy money, huh?

Five bucks an hour, huh?

[CHUCKLES]