Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, guys, great news.

I got something that's gonna change our lives.

[LAUGHS] What is it? An inflatable woman?

No, it's a girly magazine.

That's Peoplemagazine.

Yeah.

But this one has a photo spread

of the 10 sexiest women in the world.

Oh, man.

Is that a swimsuit or a paint job?

I'd really love to go out with her.

Mark, that's Pamela Anderson.

You have a better shot at going out with Louie Anderson.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

J.T., could you, please, be useless in another room?

I'm studying.

Come on. My principal Mrs. Whitney

is coming over to talk to mom.

That old bat? [LAUGHS] Oh, man, I can't believe she's still alive.

But she was 110 when I was in school.

You know, I'll bet she still has it out for me

for letting the air out of her tires the last day of school.

You did that?

Yeah, I was graduating. What was she gonna do?

Give me detention?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mom, I thing it's Mrs. Whitney.

CAROL: Okay.

Hello, Mrs. Whitney.

Hello, Mark.

Don't you look lovely this evening.

Oh.

[SMACKS LIPS]

And what's your problem?

Chapped lips.

May I take your wrap?

Oh, certainly.

You are such a nice young man.

And you are a tribute to higher education.

[CHUCKLES]

Suck-up, ahem.

Well, hello, Mrs. Whitney.

Oh, it's nice to see you again, Mrs. Lambert.

Yes, you too.

Please, come in.

Thank you.

You remember J.T.

I certainly do.

You're the hooligan who let the air out of my tires.

Consider yourself on detention all next week.

Wait a minute, you can't give me detention. I'm out of high school.

No, but I can. You're grounded.

Oh, man, this bites. O.J. walks and I get detention.

Please, sit down.

Thank you.

-Would you like some coffee? -Yes, please.

Okay.

So, what did you want to talk to us about?

Well, as we all know,

Mark is a very gifted student.

I would like to help him get into the Academy for Advanced Learning.

Yes, the big time. I'm going to the show.

Well, I mean, this is very flattering

but I'm just not sure that I want Mark to go to a school

that stresses only academics.

But, Mom, this could be my chance to prove myself

against the smartest kids in the city.

Yes, I know, but I think, you know,

being with normal kids in a normal environment

is an important part of life too.

Hey, Carol, I learned the greatest thing in school today.

Now see, Brendan goes to a public school

and I think he gets a very well-rounded education.

So what did you learn?

Check it out. I learned how to play music with my armpit.

Oh, ooh, ooh, da-da-di-da.

On second thought, I think

maybe normal kids are holding Mark back.

-[ARMPIT FARTS] -Ooh!

So can I go to the academy?

[STAMMERS] Sure.

Yes, I'm the man.

Well, I'm gonna go practice for the talent show.

Uh...

He's a Lambert, isn't he?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Anyway, I'm just really tired of the name Karen Foster.

It's so boring.

I'm thinking of changing my name to Hakuna Matata.

Yeah, yeah, then I'd have my own song. [CHUCKLES]

Karen, Karen, we need the phone. We need the phone.

I'm having a very important conversation.

Have it later.

Hi, she'll call you back.

Hey!

Uh, Karen, this is an emergency.

Now if we're the 57th caller

we're gonna win free Super Bowl tickets.

Super BowL? [SCOFFS]

Like that is more important than me changing my name

to Hakuna Matata.

-It's ringing, it's ringing. -Oh, hovering!

Hello, hi, yes, yes, hi. My name is J.T. Lambert

and my dad and I are willing to do absolutely anything

to go to the Super Bowl.

Dad, we're the 57th caller.

Yes, we're in, we're going.

Okay, what do we have to do?

What... What did he say? What... What's he saying?

Okay, Dad, how do you feel about the cheerleaders

-you see at halftime? -[GASPS]

-I love 'em. -Yeah?

How'd you like to dress like one?

Oh, no, oh, no.

Come on, Dad, all we have to do is dress up like cheerleaders

and go to Dave's Sports Bar, Saturday at 8:00.

Uh, forget it, J.T., no way.

Come on, Dad.

Well, all it is is a cheerleading outfit

it's not a thong bikini.

Come on, this is for the Super Bowl tickets. Fifty yard line.

-Okay, okay. -Okay.

Okay. We'll do it, we'll do it.

Yes, okay, fine, all right, bye.

BOTH: Yes, we're in.

-We're going to the Super Bowl. -Yes, yes!

BOTH: [LAUGHS] Lambert, Lambert!

Lambert, Lambert!

What are you two so excited about?

Dad and I are going' to Dave's Sports Bar dressed like women.

[LAUGHING]

I've gotta get out of this family.

Hi, boys. I didn't know Mark was home.

He's not. We just let ourselves in to wait for him.

Well, then why don't you just help yourselves

to a little snack?

Oh, we already did.

By the way, you're out of peanut butter.

Well, there's another jar in the pantry.

Not anymore.

Okay, I'll just put it on the list.

BEN: Oh, hey, Mark.

Honey, how was your first day at the academy?

Awful.

We had a pop quiz today and I got a C.

[LAUGHS] A C. Mark Foster got a C.

Oh, man, how the mighty have fallen.

You better stop laughing

or I'll shove that turkey leg up your nose.

Mark, Mark, take it easy, it's just a grade.

Yeah, a C, which means average.

Well, let me tell you something. Mark Foster is not average.

Well, maybe you'll do better next time.

Darn straight I will.

I'm gonna study every minute of the day

until I can claim my rightful place at the head of the class.

Hey, Mark, you seem a little stressed out.

Now why don't you come with me and Roland

tonight to see a movie, huh?

A movie? Don't you understand?

I have to study.

It's Friday night.

So what? If you wanna succeed at the academy

you have to study 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

You don't have time for stupid movies.

CAROL: Well, dinner's in about an hour.

No time for food.

But it's lasagna. It's your favorite.

BOTH: Lasagna?

I'll set two more places.

Oh, Dana, I'm glad you're here.

What do you think of my new look, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

You look like you slept in a dumpster.

Yeah, I wish.

No, this is all part of my new invention.

Edible clothing, huh?

Care for a bite of my potato skin vest?

[CHUCKLES]

Cody, why are you wearing food?

'Cause I'm gonna go camping.

You know, like when you go camping

you gotta lurk around all that heavy food and stuff.

So I figured, hey, why not just wear it, you know?

It's light, it's durable, you know.

Plus, if I get lost in the woods, hey, man

I can survive a whole month just snacking on my duds.

[CHUCKLES]

Look at that, I got my cassava hat, huh?

Potato skin vest, sausage belt

and 100% turkey-jerky boots.

[CHUCKLES]

Gee, and I thought Calvin Klein had his finger

on the pulse of American fashion.

Yeah, it's camping time.

Ooh, I almost forgot my most important piece of clothing.

[CHUCKLES] Dude!

Yeah, and you thought I didn't know what I was doing, huh?

[CHUCKLES] Check this out.

English muffin earmuffs.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'm off.

[CHUCKLES]

There's the understatement of the year.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO]

Okay, listeners, we're back live from Dave's Sports Grill

and the moment you've all been waiting for is here.

It's time to meet the contestants in WNKW's annual

I'll Do Anything For Super Bowl Tickets Giveaway.

Say hello to J.T. and Frank Lambert

better known tonight as Janet and Francesca.

[BRICK HOUSEPLAYING ON STEREO]

[CROWD CHEERING]

♪ She's mighty, mighty Just letting it all hang out

♪ She's a brick house

[TURNS SONG OFF]

Whoo! Nice pom-poms, ladies.

Yeah, we love you, too. Now where's the tickets?

Oh, not so fast.

I told you you'd get your tickets

from two beautiful ladies

but what I didn't tell you is that they'd be

two beautiful ladies of wrestling!

[LAUGHS]

Frank and J.T., say hello to Assault and Battery.

These two brawling beauties have your Super Bowl tickets

and all you have to do is survive

ten rounds in the ring with them.

[SCREAMING]

I'll wait for you in the car.

Come on, Dad, this is for the Super Bowl.

We can't back down now.

[BELL RINGS]

And now round one.

CROWD: [CHANTING] Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on in, guys.

Ms, Assault, is it? Yeah.

Uh, listen, I... I don't feel right about fighting with a woman.

So why don't you just give us the tickets

and we'll call it a night?

Oh, well, sure.

-Here they are. -Oh, great.

[GRUNTS] I'll flip you for them!

[GRUNTING]

There's a takedown. That's two points.

Going somewhere?

[GRUNTS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

J.T.: God, I'm gonna die and I'm still a virgin.

[SCREAMING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, it's round eight and the score is,

Beautiful Girls, 92,

and Lamberts, zilch.

If those boys are going to the Super Bowl

they're going' in body casts.

[GRUNTING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, thank you.

[SCREAMS]

[SHOUTS]

Ooh, I'll bet that hurt.

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

Don't make me come and get you.

[SHOUTING]

-You okay, Dad? -Oh, yeah.

[GRUNTS]

Ow!

[GROANS]

Huh?

Make a wish.

I wish you weren't gonna do this.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, God!

[SCREAMS]

[CHEERING]

That's it, that's it, no more. Aunt, uncle.

We give up, whatever.

[BELL RINGS]

And there's the first smart move of the night for the Lamberts!

They've conceded!

The undefeated champions, Assault and Battery!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Well, how about a nice round of applause for our losers?

Come on over here, fellas.

Well, how're you feeling, guys?

I wanna die.

Well, maybe this'll make you feel better.

You guys were such good sports

that we're gonna give you the Super Bowl tickets, anyway.

-You earned 'em -[GROANS]

I... I can get handicap parking, right?

Now would you boys like to go another round

for air fare and accommodations?

Help!

Just kidding. The whole package is yours.

And thanks for playing WNKW's

I'll Do Anything For Super Bowl Tickets.

[APPLAUSE]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Mark.

Oh, hi, Karen.

What are you wearing on your head?

My study lights. They help me focus.

But it's 3:00 in the morning. What are you still doing up?

Well, I might ask the same question,

Ms. Sneaking Through The Backdoor.

I have very good reason for being out this late.

I've been making out with Bobby Cooper for the last six hours.

What's your excuse?

I'm cramming.

I've gotta keep up with the rest of the kids at the academy.

Hey, you're not allowed to drink coffee.

Oh, I'm not drinking it, I'm chewing it.

It gets into the blood stream a lot quicker that way.

Mmm. I'm good for another hour.

Night-night, Lily.

Karen, what are you doing up?

I, uh, just went to the bathroom.

You got dressed, you put on mascara

to go to the bathroom?

You know me. I think appearance is very important.

Goodnight.

Karen.

It is 3:00 in the morning.

I have just been breastfeeding and Lily is getting teeth.

[SIGHS] Don't mess with me.

Okay, I broke my curfew because I was out with Bobby Cooper.

[SIGHS]

But that is not your biggest concern.

Mark is downstairs studying.

And abusing coffee.

Mark is studying at 3:00 in the morning?

And abusing coffee.

And I think that this is a major problem

and you should deal with it right now.

You are darn right, I'm gonna deal with it right now.

Thank you, Karen.

You're welcome.

Oh, Karen, Karen.

Yeah, Mom?

You're grounded.

It was worth it.

Ah!

Mark, why aren't you in bed?

Sleep is for losers. There's no way I'm gonna get a C again.

[COMPUTER BLEEPS]

Hard drive is full?

Mom, I need $5,000 for a new computer.

Mark, I want you to stop working.

And take off those antenna lights. You look like a bug.

Mark, I think this new school was a bad idea.

I want you to go back to your regular school.

No way, you can't do that to me.

Mark, the school is putting way too much pressure on you.

I... I don't care. I'm not quitting and you can't make me.

-I'm just trying to help. -Well, you're not.

-You're making it worse. -How am I making it worse?

Forget it. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

[SIGHS] You just don't understand.

Okay, maybe I don't understand, but I'd really like to.

Why are you so upset?

I can't quit the academy now. I have to prove I'm the best.

Why?

It's who I am.

I'm not a jock.

I'm not Mr. Personality.

If I'm not the smartest kid in school

then I'm nothing.

Mark.

You know, if this had happened a few years ago

I'd understand why you feel this way.

You used to be a one-dimensional kind of kid, you know

and school was your life.

But lately, you've really grown.

You've had a girlfriend, you've taken karate lessons.

You got buddies.

Really, Mark, I think this school

is a step backwards for you.

But you always say how proud you are of me

when I get straight As.

Oh, Mark.

I am proud of you when you do your best.

But I want you to do your best in everything,

not just in school.

So you're not disappointed in me?

Oh, I'm never disappointed in you.

And really, I think you will be a lot happier

if you go back to your normal life.

Mom, I have kind of missed hanging out with my friends.

Oh, yeah. They're nice kids.

They eat like pigs, but...

they're really nice kids.

You know what, Mom? I think you're right.

I wanna go back to my old school.

Oh, good.

But the tough part's gonna be telling them that I quit.

It's gonna be pretty humiliating.

Well, not if you say

"Gosh, like you know, my mom had a total cow

"and she's forcing me to go back to my old school."

I can't say that. It's not true.

Okay.

Mark Foster, I forbid you to go to this new school.

Not. No, no, no. I don't want any more of your backtalk.

You're going to your regular school and that is final.

See? Now it's true.

-You're a great mom. -Yeah, I know.

Whoa, Dana.

Whoa!

Thank God, you're here.

All right, listen, now if an 800 pound grizzly bear

rings the doorbell, just tell him I'm not here.

Oh, my God, what happened to you?

[CHUCKLES] Well, I learned one important fact about the woods.

There's a lot of hungry animals out there.

[CHUCKLES] Trust me, it's no place to be

if you're dressed like the salad bar from the Sizzler.

[CHUCKLES]

Cody, you didn't have a tent or anything to protect you?

Well, yeah, but I made the tent out of eggplant. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, man, as soon as the bears got through that

man, I became the main dish. [CHUCKLES]

Thank God, I talked myself out of Canadian bacon underwear.

That could've been some permanent damage.

-[SIGHS] -I'm gonna go upstairs and shower off.

I think I'm getting a little ripe, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

I really gotta get out of this family.