Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Thanks for letting me borrow your chemistry notes, Karen.

Oh, sure, Casey. No problem.

I'll have my limo driver drop them off when I'm finished.

Is that really the way you like your wiener?

Oh!

Oh, no. I just like ketchup.

Uh, J.T., this is my lab partner, Casey Maxwell.

Casey, this is my stepbrother J.T.

Nice to meet you.

He's cute. See you in class.

-Bye. -Bye.

Bye.

I want her.

Trust me, she's not your type.

Hey, she's gorgeous and she rides around

in a limousine, all right? I think that's my type.

J.T., forget about it.

The word around school is her father

is some big-time gangster from Chicago.

They call him Teddy "The Exterminator" Maxwell.

Get out of here, man. Why would a big-time mobster

move to a dinky little town like Port Washington?

Who knows? Maybe he wanted to get his kids

into a better school district.

Okay, so what if this girl's father is this big-time mobster?

She's got a body like a goddess and she thinks I'm cute.

Are you so hard up for a date

that you'd actually go out with a girl

even if her father is capable of having you rubbed out?

Hey, as long as she's the one doing the rubbin', I'm there.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say "My lord, I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around

Ha, ladies.

Hello, guess what.

Jayne McNeal, the artist-in-residence

of the college asked me to pose for her.

Ooh, is she the one who does those dogs playing poker pictures?

Yeah, you ought to be perfect for that.

[CLEARS THROAT]

For your information, Jayne McNeal has works of art

hanging in galleries all over the world.

And the picture that she paints of moi

will be sold at the university's charity auction.

Wow. What kind of paintings does she do?

[CLEARS THROAT] Well.

Voila!

She's a political artist.

See, all of her paintings make a statement about society.

What's that one saying? Don't throw up on your artwork?

I know you're a Lambert, but here's a newsflash.

There's more to art than "Elvis On Velvet."

This is called abstract art

wherein the artist expresses her emotions

through shapes and colors

as opposed to recognizable forms.

So it's something that looks like barf instead of your face.

Oh, you know that could be a real improvement, Dana.

[SCRATCHING]

What's that noise?

It was my love motor switching from neutral to drive. [LAUGHING]

[SCRATCHING]

No, Frank.

I think there's an animal in the attic.

Well, just ignore it, honey.

You've got your own animal right here. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, but what if it's a rat?

-Let him get his own girl, okay? Come on. -[SIGHS]

No, Frank, really, I can't make love

when there's a rat in our house.

Then it's a dead rat.

Eveready. Huh, reminds you of anybody?

Okay, hairball.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

Here, show me your beady little eyes

and I'll smack 'em into the next county.

You're not gonna hurt him, are you?

Carol, I thought you wanted me to get rid of the rat.

Well, I do, but I just figured you'd trap him in a shoe-box,

take him outside, and set him free.

He's a living creature.

He is a disease-infested rodent, honey.

If he could, he'd kill us,

and then invite his friends over to eat our faces, okay?

Ho!

[SQUEAKING]

-Ha! There he is. There he is. -Ew.

Okay. Hold the light, honey, okay?

Oh, I don't know, Frank.

I mean, maybe we should call the exterminator.

Carol, we do not need an exterminator.

I'm a man. I'm a hunter by nature.

Watch out for those floorboards. I mean, they're awfully old.

Would you just relax? I know this house like the back of my hand.

Okay.

Nighty-night.

-[SQUEAKING] -Stop! Ha-ha-ha.

Come on.

This is it. [CHUCKLES]

He's a goner, honey.

Left-handed swing.

-Hyah! -Aah!

Ah, God! Gee, my shoul...

[GROANING] Ow!

-Frank. -Whoa.

Oh, Frank, just...

forget about the rat.

And look, you sprained your shoulder.

Come on, let's go put some ice on it.

[GROANS]

Oh, all right, rat boy, it ain't over.

I'm takin' you down.

So, J.T., I hear you're going out with the mob princess tonight.

Hey, man, she's hot and she's beautiful.

How her father pays for the limo is not my concern.

Wow, maybe this will be like that movie The Godfather.

You'll marry into her family.

Then her brother will beat the snot out of you with a trash can.

That'll be cool.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, my limo has arrived.

Come on, get out of here. Come on.

All right.

[SIGHS]

-Hi there. -Hi.

Wow, you look hot.

Yeah, I look good in black. The whole family does.

So what are we doing tonight?

Well, I thought I'd take you to dinner over Bar-B-Q Heaven.

Bar-B-Q Heaven?

Do I look like I'm dressed to go to some rib joint?

You better be taking me some place classy like Rive Gauche.

Rive Gauche? [LAUGHS]

That's funny. My dad can't even afford that place.

Yeah, I hear you can't get out of there for less than $200 a plate.

So what? I'm worth it. Now where's my gift?

Gift?

You're supposed to give a lady a gift when you take her out.

You know, flowers, candy.

Maybe a diamond bracelet.

Uh, here, you can have my watch.

A Timex?

Actually, it's a Limex. Ha!

It's like a Timex.

Only it loses two hours a day, you know?

A cheesy watch?

That's the way you treat me?

What kind of lowlife, cheapskate slime ball are you?

You know, I'm starting to feel a little headache comin' on.

Maybe we should just cancel this whole date, you know?

Wait. Wait a minute.

Are you dumping me?

No, it's this migraine, you know, or a stroke.

I should stay in.

I think you're dumping me.

And my father gets really angry when guys dump me.

And you know what he does to guys who dump me?

What?

Ever seen that speed bump in front of Sears?

That's Jeff.

-How's that headache now? -Much better, thanks.

Look, why don't we swing by the bay,

I'll empty up my college fund,

take you straight to dinner, huh?

-That's more like it. -Yes, it is. [CHUCKLES]

What?

Open the door, you idiot.

Can't you see I'm a lady?

Miss McNeal?

Just a minute. I'm having a vision.

I'm on the verge of creating an entire universe

of color and dimension that will change

the way we see things till the end of time.

Okay, it's over.

Hi, I'm Jayne McNeal.

Oh, I know. Uh, I'm, I'm Dana Foster.

You picked me to pose for your painting.

You said I had an unforgettable face.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

I wanna show you something. It's my latest piece.

I call it "Woman Screaming At The Top Of Her Lungs."

What do you think?

It's magnificent.

I hate it. It's garbage.

Garbage!

You know, I was going to say garbage,

but I didn't wanna be rude.

No, rude is good, Miss Foster.

Rude is the essence of everything I create.

Let me explain how I work.

I observe my subjects at their most basic level of truth.

Sunset, bowl of fruit, the human body.

Then I take the essence and turn it into a work of art.

Miss McNeal, you are a true genius.

Yes, I know.

Now the piece I'm going to do of you will be called "Woman, Tower Of Strength."

I see it as a statement that women will no longer be pawns

in a male dominated world of sex and power.

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

Good, then take off your clothes and let's get started.

Excuse me?

You... You want me to pose nude?

Yes.

Like, no underwear?

Yes, yes, and quickly. I'm having a vision,

and I'm gonna lose it unless we get started, so hurry.

Hurry. Clothes off. Clothes off.

Ooh, damn.

-Hey, Uncle Frank. -Hey, Cody.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, listen.

I've been brainstorming about a way to get rid

of that rascally rodent you got visiting up in the attic,

and I think I've figured out a way to drop-kick that sucker

to kingdom come. [CHUCKLES]

-How? -Yeah! Okay.

Well, you know that couple of vials of nitroglycerin

I've been having rollin' around the back of my van for a while?

You've got nitroglycerin in the back of your van?

Oh, yeah, that stuff's pretty dangerous, Uncle Frank.

I wouldn't wanna leave it around the house,

you know, what, with the baby and all.

Yeah. So, anyway, check it out.

[CHUCKLES] We just stuff it into a hunk of Swiss cheese

get the little critter to eat it and kaboom!

[CHUCKLES] He's toast.

[LAUGHS]

Cody, wouldn't that just blow the top of the house off?

Okay, plan B.

We go to an army-navy surplus store,

get a big old honkin' flamethrower.

[IMITATES FLAMETHROWER]

Right? Yeah, go up there,

turn that visiting vermin into little tiny smoldering bits of rat kebab. [LAUGHS]

Wouldn't that just burn the house down?

You know something, Uncle Frank?

I can't help you unless you're willing to help yourself.

You just think about that.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

J.T.: Dad?

Wh... What is it, son?

J.T.: Can I sleep with you and Carol tonight?

J.T., what is your problem?

J.T.: Oh, I went out on a date with this horrible girl.

She was so mean, man. I had to ditch her.

J.T.

I'm wearing my lucky underwear. You know what that means?

J.T.: Yeah, I know what that means.

But you don't understand! Her father, he's a gangster.

He's gonna put a hit out on me.

Son, if you don't get away from this door

I'm gonna put a hit out on you myself.

J.T.: Fine, fine, but if I get turned into a speed bump

at the mall, it's gonna be your fault.

Okay, goodnight.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Carol?

Yeah?

-Notice anything special? -[SIGHS]

Oh, Frank, I know you're in your lucky underwear

and everything, [SIGHS] but not tonight.

I mean, I just can't be romantic if there's a rat in our house.

Oh, no, no, oh, honey, I'm way ahead of you.

[CHUCKLES] You just sit down.

I went to the hardware store today

and I bought every rat trap they have, okay?

The little hairy bugger shows his face,

he's gonna be ratatouille.

[CHUCKLES]

Why won't you just let me call an exterminator?

Yeah, because, honey, it... it's a personal thing, okay?

I mean, that rat was laughin' at me.

It looked at me like I was some kind of a fool.

-Frank? -Huh?

You are a fool.

[TRAP SNAPS]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I am a fool who just caught himself a rat.

[LAUGHS]

And I'm gonna stuff it and burn it over fireplace.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, pal.

[GROANS]

Where are you?

Grim Reaper's comin' to take you home.

Which trap got you?

Oh.

Take the bait and run.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

-[SQUEAKING] -Ah!

Okay.

You dirty rat.

I'm takin' you down.

Ha! [LAUGHS]

-[TRAP SNAPS] -Ooh!

[GROANING]

[PANTING]

-[TRAP SNAPS] -[GROANING]

[THUD]

[GROANS]

-[GROANS] -[CRASHING]

Now can I call an exterminator?

Ooh, there's Jayne. Come on, I'll introduce you.

Miss McNeal?

I was speaking with a very important art broker, Miss Foster.

It was rude to interrupt me.

Well done.

Will you sit down?

I wanted you to meet my sisters.

Uh, this is Karen and Al.

This is Jayne McNeal.

Well, you girls can be very proud of Dana.

Her modeling inspired me to go in a whole new direction in my painting.

New direction?

Well, I realized the human body is a perfect form.

I wanted to show the world the female body up close and personal.

So instead of abstract, I've gone for photorealism.

You mean there's a naked picture of me up there?

Yes.

Like, no underwear?

You posed without any clothes on?

She's an abstract artist.

I thought it was gonna be shapes and colors and stuff.

Well, so did I, but when I started painting,

I changed my mind, and I didn't bother to tell you.

That was terribly rude of me.

I feel very good about that.

Oh, my God. What am I gonna do?

Hi, girls.

Sorry, we're kind of late,

but Frank's movin' a little slow.

[GAVEL BANGING]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to begin the auction now.

So would you very kindly take your seats?

Thank you.

Um, mom, you know how,

um, you and me have always talked about

going to Paris together and seeing the Louvre?

-Mmm-hmm. -Let's do that right now.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, don't be silly.

You posed for a picture. I wanna see it.

Yeah, Dana. This is kind of your coming-out party.

-Take your time, sir. -Thanks.

Are you quite comfortable now, sir?

Yeah, I'm fine.

-Good. -Thank you.

All right, lot number one, ladies and gentlemen,

this evening is a new work by the esteemed artist Jayne McNeal

entitled "Woman, Tower Of Strength."

[CAROL GASPS]

Oh, my God!

Quite breathtaking, isn't it?

Well, shall we start the bidding at, let us say, $2,500?

-Um, who would open? -$2,500!

Are you crazy?

I will not have a nudie picture of my daughter

hanging over some pervert's fireplace.

-$3,000. -$4,000!

[STAMMERS] $4,000? What happened to $3,001?

$4,000.

-Do I hear five? -$5,000!

-Oh, God, you just raised yourself! -[SIGHS]

Now do I hear a $6,000?

MAN: $6,000. CAROL: $7,000!

[STAMMERS] Honey, no...

-$8,000. Thank you, sir. -No, no! I was, uh...

-$9,000! -No, she... Wait!

$10,000 from the un...

No! Ooh! [GROANING]

$10,000 from the unfortunate gentlemen in the neck brace.

-$15,000. -CAROL: $20,000!

-$25,000. -Ugh!

[EXCLAIMS] $25,000? Do I hear 30?

-[EXCLAIMS] -[GASPS]

AUCTIONEER: $25,000 going once.

$25,000 going twice.

Ouch!

[SCREAMS] $30,000!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

$30,000!

Do I hear 35, ladies and gentlemen?

-$100,000. -[ALL GASPING]

$100,000 for a naked picture of Dana?

I bet I could get a million.

Miss McNeal, that is an incredibly generous bid.

But please tell us, why are you bidding on your own work?

Well, obviously, it's created a bidding frenzy,

and I'm not letting it leave this room.

Any work of art this popular with the masses must be garbage.

[ALL GASPING]

Sold for $100,000.

[SIGHS]

Hey, geek boy, you wanna go shoot some hoops?

Are you kidding?

I don't wanna be anywhere near you

when Teddy "The Exterminator" Maxwell drops the hammer on you.

Mark, relax, okay?

It's been a whole week since I ditched Casey. Nothing has happened.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -When are you gonna realize that big-time mobsters

don't waste their time with little punks like me, huh?

Get it through your head.

Lambert?

-Yeah? -I'm the exterminator.

I'm here to kill a rat.

Oh, man. I'm a witness.

Please, please, please, please don't kill me.

Please don't kill me. I... I didn't mean to ditch your daughter.

But she was just so mean to me. Please, I'll do anything.

Don't kill me. I'll marry her.

-Don't kill me. -What are you talkin' about?

Wait, uh, aren't you Teddy Maxwell,

the... the gangster from Chicago?

No, I'm Joe Flavin, the pest control guy from Kenosha.

Now which way to the attic?

Uh, right up those stairs.

Thank you.