Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Dudes, check it out.

I got more lights out here than Charles'

got on her makeup table.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, I am definitely gonna win

Best decorated vehicle with over 700,000 miles on it.

Cody, aren't you afraid you're gonna blow

all the circuits in the house?

No, not a problem, little cuz.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

See, I pull in the juice straight off

the main transformer in the street.

All I gotta do is plug this in

I got a 100,000 volts of Christmas joy comin'

right into my van.

[LAUGHING]

Okay. And a three, two and a one.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[COUGHS]

I love Christmas.

[CHUCKLES] Makes you feel warm all over.

[ELECTRIC BUZZ]

[CHUCKLES]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[CROWD SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around ♪

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ The second time around ♪

-Hey, George. -Oh, JT.

Oh, where's my number-one pal, the Code-man?

Oh, well, he's not gonna be able to work with us on this one.

-Whoa. -Yeah.

He had a little electrical mishap.

Uh, ran too much juice to his Christmas lights

blew off his eyebrows.

Oh, yeah. Ha-ha.

I've been there, done that.

Well, uh, I'm gonna miss the Code-man

but, uh, I'm sure lookin' forward to sellin' these trees.

There's nothin' like the joy of the holiday season.

Yo, there, boss! Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Ho-ho-ho to you, too.

All right, everybody, listen up.

Now, look, you wanna sell Christmas trees, the first thing

you gotta remember is to forget all of that holiday spirit,

peace on Earth, goodwill-to-men jive.

We are here to make money.

The more trees you sell, the more money you make.

I love that, sir.

Now, the good news is

people tend to turn into sentimental saps

around Christmas time.

So use that.

Prey on their emotions.

Make the kiddies cry if you have to.

Right on.

Just remember. Sell, sell, sell.

Uh, uh, Mr. Parker, now, what if somebody, like,

really, really wants a tree

but they're kinda short on cash.

Is it okay to offer 'em a Christmas discount?

No.

Okay.

Say, Mother Teresa shows up

and she has absolutely no money, whatsoever.

But all she'd like is a simple, tiny little tree

as a symbol of hope to all the orphans of the world.

You give her a quarter

and tell her to call somebody who cares.

I think that guy needs a hug.

Dad, I cannot believe you and Carol are setting me up

with this Matt Crawford guy.

Al, this is not a setup.

The Crawfords are old family friends of mine

and they're moving back here from California.

And since you and Matt used to play a lot together

when you were little kids, we thought it would be nice

for you to spend some time with him.

Well, what if I already have a date?

-Do you? -No.

But give me ten minutes, I'll find someone.

Al? Oh, Al, look what I found.

This is so cute.

A picture of you and Matt Crawford

taking a bath together when you were little.

Oh, aw. Oh, he's cute.

[CHUCKLES]

No, that's me.

He's the bald one eating the soap.

Come on, Al, don't be so negative.

I think you guys are gonna have a great time together.

Yeah, I met Matt when your father and I went to California

last summer, he seemed like a terrific guy.

Oh, I'm sure he's peachy-keen.

I just don't wanna go on a date with him.

It's not a date.

We just want you to drive him around town.

Show him the high school, take him to the ballet.

-The ballet? -Yeah, The Nutcracker.

I bought tickets this afternoon.

Front-row center. Wear a dress.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Now, that's probably them. -Yeah.

-Hey, hey. -Hello. Hi.

-Buddy, come on in, come on in. -Good to see you.

Here, let me have your coats.

-How was your trip, huh? -It was fine, fine.

We're just glad to be movin' back here

where the air is clean and the ground's not shaken.

[LAUGHING]

Well, where's Matt?

I know that Al is just dying to see him again.

Yeah, Matt's real excited, too.

Well, gee, Matt, look at you. You look great.

You sure turned out to be a handsome young man.

-Didn't he, Al? -Oh, yeah.

-He's regular Fabio. -Al.

Al, I just love that outfit.

Isn't that a great look for her, Matt?

-Well, yeah. Hubba-hubba. -Matt.

Well, I see that Matt and Al have a lot of catching up to do

so why don't we go out to the kitchen

and have ourselves some eggnog?

-All right. -Ha-ha. Come on.

Wow, he's cute.

You know, uh, if Al doesn't want him, I'll take him.

Oh, yeah, there is a shock.

A pair of pants shows up and your radar kicks in.

Oh, there she is.

The finest example of arboreal coniferous flora

on the entire lot.

That's Latin for a totally bodacious tree.

I wish I could get a tree like that for my mom.

How much is it?

Well, it's kind of expensive, it's 60 bucks.

Geez, I don't have that much. Thanks, anyways.

Hey! Hold on there, pal.

If you really like that tree, maybe I can help you out.

Sorry, but I'm not allowed to accept charity.

Hey! I'm not talkin' about charity.

I'm a businessman.

-Would you like a job? -Really, you'd give me a job?

Hey! I'm not givin' you a job.

First, you have to pass a qualifying exam.

-What's your name? -Jimmy.

Good, I was looking for a Jimmy. You got the job.

So, we having fun yet?

Oh, yeah, you make feel like dancing.

[SIGHS] Man, it's cold.

That's because we have something out here

that you surfer boys only read about.

See, it's called winter.

I wasn't talking about the weather.

I was talking about your personality.

Oh, sense of humor.

That could come in handy with a face like yours.

Uh, your turn.

Forget it, I don't wanna trade shots with you anymore.

Look, Matt, I'm sorry.

Look, I don't know why I'm getting on your case.

I mean, you seem like a nice enough guy, I just...

I really don't like being fixed up.

Yeah, me neither.

I guess I shouldn't take it out on you.

Look, I've got an idea. Why don't we just split up, okay?

Look, you can go to your little...ballet thingy

and I'll just come pick you up when it's over.

Uh, oh, do I look like the kind of guy who goes to the ballet?

I don't know. Last time I saw you, you ate soap.

How do I know what you're into?

What are you gonna do?

Probably go ice-skating.

Ice-skating? I love ice-skating.

I'm on the hockey team back home.

Oh, you're kidding. You like hockey?

-Yeah. -Who's your favorite player?

Oh, easy. Fedorov.

Oh, I love those Eastern Europeans.

Gonna check you in the board and break your head open

and never feel bad about it.

Oh, I love that.

Okay, let's go ice-skating.

Oh, what're we gonna do with these tickets?

Excuse me, Merry Christmas.

-Okay, let's go. -Uh, hold up.

Right, it's getting kind of cold.

Oh, you know, it's not that bad.

Wow, this one's beautiful.

Excuse me.

But, uh, if I were you, I wouldn't buy that tree.

-Why not? -It's a flammable fur.

The sap is like kerosene.

You turn on a light bulb anywhere near it and, "Boom!"

Maybe we'll look for somethin' a little less combustible.

Good choice, most of our non-flammable trees

are right over there.

Now, I'm gonna show you the best Christmas tree on the lot.

I gotta admit I was actually thinking of saving this tree

for myself, but, hey, it's Christmas.

And I think, you know, a tree like this

should be with a nice, warm, loving family like yourselves.

Can we get this one, Mommy?

MRS. WARREN: Oh, you bet we can.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I can't believe it's still here.

There's a reason for that, you know.

Wait, what... What are you talkin' about?

Did you ever read that Stephen King book, The Tree?

You know, the one where an evil tree

sucks the life out of every human being that comes near it?

Well, this is the guy.

Should I have it loaded onto your car?

I don't like that tree, Mommy.

Uh... Don't pay attention to him, okay?

[GHOSTLY WAILING]

It moved, Mommy, it moved. I saw it, I saw it.

Hey, hey, what are you doing? He's kidding.

It's just a stupid tree.

Oh, co...

George, what is going on?

This is the third time I've sold this tree

and every time you've done something to blow it.

Well, I'm kind of savin' it for my friend

Jimmy over there.

He can't afford a tree like this.

So, I'm lettin' him work for it.

Look, George, I think it's very sweet and Christmassy

that you're saving the tree for the kid

but I'm savin' up for a ski trip

and your taking money out of my pocket.

JT, there's more to life than money!

Let me tell you something.

When you work for 42 years on an ice cream truck

you learn a few things.

Number one!

Never put your tongue on dry ice.

Number two.

There's nothin' more beautiful in this world

than a child filled with joy.

I never turned any kids away from my truck

even if they didn't have the money.

I gave them the ice cream anyway, just to see the joy

on their faces when they chopped into that Fudgsicle.

Yeah, and how much money did you save in 42 years?

Not a cent.

In fact, I still owe three payments on these trousers.

But the point is, money can't buy the memories I have

of all those kid's faces.

You wanna see a happy kid's face?

Watch me when I make enough money to go on that ski trip.

Oh, lighten up, JT, where's you Christmas spirit?

Eh, you, get away from that tree!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hands off, hands off, no.

But we're starving.

Yeah, can't we just have one egg?

No, nobody eats till Carol gets back from the bakery.

Why don't you guys go out there and see

if anybody wants something to drink, huh?

You know, get in the Christmas spirit.

Make yourselves useful. Ho-ho-ho.

Come on, go, go.

Come on, let's go get the firewood.

Yeah, hey, uh, want a deviled egg?

Yeah, I'm starving.

Mmm, so good. Here, she'll never know.

Whoa!

Hmm. Hey, Frank, isn't that your car?

FRANK: Oh, yeah.

Al and Matt must be home.

Why is your motor running?

I don't know. That's kind of weird, isn't it?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on out of there.

Come on, come on.

You, too, young lady.

What do you think you're doin' in there?

-We weren't doing anything. -Oh, yeah, right.

Well, Frank, Frank, Frank, take it easy.

Yeah, yeah, we were just suckin' a little face.

"Sucking a little face?"

Frank, Frank, that's just an expression

the kids in California use.

Well, maybe in California it's okay to suck face

but here in Wisconsin, we do not suck!

You know, wait a second.

For all you know, Al started it.

Oh.

-Now wait one minute. -Dad, come on.

Now, you just let me handle this, okay?

Frank, they are teenagers.

It is what they do.

Well, maybe that attitude is just fine out in La La Land.

But here in Wisconsin, we raise our kids to have good morals.

And what is that supposed to mean?

It means you're kid's a pervert.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Well, then maybe it was a mistake

for us to come here and visit you!

Well, maybe the mistake was us inviting you.

Oh, well, then maybe we shouldn't be stayin' for dinner.

Yeah, well, maybe that's a good idea.

Matt, go get your mom.

Tell her we're goin' back to the motel.

Dad?

-Stop them. -No, I will not.

Fine, then I'm gonna have dinner with them.

Oh, Al, don't do this.

You're turning your back on Wisconsin!

-Hey, George. -Yo!

It's almost closing time, and my tree's still here.

Yep, in just two minutes you'll be the proud owner

of the coolest Christmas tree this side of the North Pole.

Thank, George. You're the greatest.

Here you go, best tree on the lot.

Huh? [CHUCKLES]

Sixty bucks and it's yours.

I'll take it.

Hey, guys, any chance I could get you

to look at a different tree?

Why?

Well, I kinda promised this one to the kid

who's been helping me.

-Is he gonna pay for it? -No, but, uh, I will.

Here's the 60 bucks.

Uh, I'm sorry, I guess it's sold.

I'll give you sixty-five.

-Seventy. -Eighty.

-Ninety. -One hundred.

You know, you're startin' to tick me off.

Hey, hey, hey...

Hey, guys, guys, guys.

I hope you're not fighting over

this tree, 'cause I already sold it.

-You did? -What?

Yeah, yup, here's 100 bucks.

Mr. Parker, why don't you go show him that tree over there?

It's a lot better than this one.

Oh, you're absolutely right, Lambert.

Oh, and by the way, while we're talking

are you happy with your long-distance carrier?

Oh, man, you sold the tree.

How am I gonna tell Jimmy?

Well, you don't have to.

It's for him.

I'm buying Jimmy the tree.

What?

Hey, I thought you needed the money for the ski trip?

Well, yeah, I thought about what you said.

I mean, you're right. I can go skiing anytime.

And every time Jimmy sees this tree

his face just lights up.

[CHUCKLES] Makes you kind of gooey inside, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does.

You know, JT, it's a good thing you're not standin'

under any mistletoe, or I'd have to kiss ya.

Yeah, it's a good thing.

-Well, what the heck. -Oh, ha-ha.

Hey, George, it's 6 o'clock.

-Do I get the tree? -Absolutely, you earned it.

Merry Christmas, Jimmy.

Merry Christmas.

Thinks he can play kissy face with my daughter, huh?

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ Jingle all the way

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride

♪ In a one horse open sleigh, hey ♪

Oh, Frank, don't you just love the holiday spirit?

-Where are the Crawfords? -I kicked them out.

You what?

Yeah, their kid's a pervert

and I don't want him hanging around my daughter.

A pervert? What are you talking about?

Carol, I caught them kissing in the car.

And?

Well, it was more than just kissing.

They were...face-sucking.

Let me get this straight.

You caught Al and Matt making out

so you threw your friend and his family out of our house

on Christmas Eve?

Well, sure, when you twist the facts all around like that

it sounds terrible.

Frank, it is perfectly normal for a 16-year-old girl

to be kissing a boy.

I know that, honey, I know that.

But...when I saw my own daughter

doing it, I just went kind of crazy.

And then when he called it sucking face,

it sounded so dirty.

Well, where did the Crawfords go?

Uh, they went down to the E-Z Drive Motel

to have Christmas Eve dinner, and Al went with them.

Oh, boy, I really screwed things up.

What am I gonna do?

Well, first, you're going down to the motel and you are gonna

find the Crawfords, and then you're gonna beg

for their forgiveness and tell 'em you're an idiot.

[STAMMERS] Yeah, yeah, what about Al?

Just beg for her forgiveness.

She already knows you're an idiot.

Bye.

Uh, excuse me, miss, um,

is the turkey dinner good here?

It's all you can eat for $1.99.

What do you think?

Oh, hi, guys.

-Frank. -Hi.

Listen, um...

I'm really sorry about what happened back at the house.

I owe everybody an apology.

Well, uh, I, uh...

I guess you weren't alone, buddy.

I didn't do much to help the situation myself.

Yeah, I just want you to know something, sir.

I really wasn't trying to put the moves on Al.

Yeah, Dad, I mean, we were just talking

and then he kinda kissed me and then I kinda kissed him back

and we just kinda kept kissing.

Then the windows started--

FRANK: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I was there, I remember.

But listen, I want you all to come back to the house

and have a real Christmas dinner, okay?

I mean, nobody should have to spend Christmas Eve

in a dump like this.

Geez.

Save it, we'll use it in the soup tomorrow.

♪ Joy to the world

♪ The Lord has come

♪ Let Earth receive her king

♪ Let every heart

♪ Prepare him room

♪ And heaven and nature sing

♪ And heaven and nature sing

♪ And heaven, and heaven

♪ And nature sing ♪

Now, Lilly, I know I promised you

I'd read you The Night Before Christmas

but I kinda blew the book up in my van

so we're gonna have to do a little improv thing,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah, it'll be cool though.

Okay, now, here.

Kinda goes like this.

It was the night before Christmas and all through the van...

Not a creature was stirring,

not even Code-man.

The stocking was hung, it was nailed to the roof.

No one heard when I did it

'cause my van is soundproof.

I got in my water bed and thought,

"Hey, what would be neater than if Santa would bring me a water bed heater."

[CHUCKLES] I had started to doze, when I heard such a clatter.

I bolted straight up, smashed my head on a ladder.

[CHUCKLES]

I looked out the window, I said, "Code-man, no way."

It was a tiny reindeer, pulling this fat dude on a sleigh.

He had one final message before he flew out of sight.

"Have a Merry Christmas, dudes. And to all, a good night."