Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hey, hey, Dana-Burger. -Hey.

Check out my new magic box, huh? What do you think?

Is that one of those boxes where you step into it and you disappear?

-Totally. -I love it.

[CODY LAUGHS]

Yeah, the amazing Houdini came to me in a dream.

He said, "Codeman,

"you've got all the makings of a great magician.

"You like to work with your hands.

"You got lots of free time.

"All you need now is like a great, big box."

Huh?

Right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to witness an amazing feat of magic.

I'll need a volunteer from the audience.

Ah, uh, young lady.

Have we ever met before?

No, say no.

No, we've never met.

Ha, you see, a complete stranger.

[CHUCKLES] Now come, Dana-Burger.

-Step into the box. -Cody, no--

Oh, come on. You're gonna love this.

Don't say no. It'll be totally cool.

Now in the immortal words of the Amazing Codini...

[LAUGHS] Yeah, I'm in a box.

See, I rigged the light to turn on

as soon as the box is locked.

[CHUCKLES] Pretty cool, huh?

Fascinating, but how do we get out of here?

Ah, we just push the magic button right here.

Huh?

It's not opening.

Dude, I know what it is.

I forgot to hook up the magic button outside.

Ah.

Dudesy, we're trapped.

Help!

Help! Somebody!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

-Oh, Carol. -Yeah.

I think I'm getting sick.

Would you see if I have a temperature?

Mm, yeah, Frank, it's really high.

-Ah. -127.

And it smells like coffee. Get your jacket, Frank.

We're going to this beauty convention.

-Oh, come on, Carol-- -Frank.

hardware show and plumber's picnic in the world.

The least you could do is show a little interest in my work.

Well, can I just pretend to be interested

when you come home and tell me about it?

Frank, you can't miss this.

It's Hair Spectacular '95.

You'll be getting a sneak preview

of all the new fall conditioners.

[GASPS] The fall conditioners.

Holy rinse and set, Carol. To the Bat-mobile.

We gotta get these conditioners

before they fall in the hands of the Riddler.

Come. Come.

You know, mom, if men were more interested in haircare

and less interested in guns, there'd be no more wars.

Yeah, well, I'll spread the word at the Hair Spectacular.

Hey, J.T., we're gonna go shoot some hoops at the high school.

Wanna come?

Well, then I guess you would've noticed

that the baby just spit up on herself.

Hey, Al, something's coming out of the baby!

Oh, man, if that's the way you took care of me

I'm lucky I'm alive.

You know, J.T., this bites.

Why am I doing all the dirty work?

I thought you were the one in charge of the baby.

J.T.: I am in charge of the baby.

[SCOFFS] Dipstick.

Hey, Al, check this out.

The Yum-Yum Baby Food Company's having open auditions today

in Milwaukee to find a new Yum-Yum baby.

So?

So the winner gets $50,000.

We gotta go for this.

J.T., no.

I-I don't think dad and Carol are gonna want us

taking the baby all the way to Milwaukee.

As her agents, our take would be $5000.

-I'll drive. -Yes.

DANA: Help! Help! Help!

Somebody! Help!

Dana, huh, dudesy.

You've been yelling for like the better part of an hour here

and I-I'm pretty sure there's nobody out there gonna hear ya.

Well, do something. I've gotta get out of here.

Alright. I'll use karate to break through that wall.

[INAHLES DEEPLY]

Yeah!

Ho-o-o.

Yeah!

[GRUNTS]

Wow, I gotta thank that dude at the lumberyard.

This is killer wood.

I don't believe this.

I'm gonna die in a box with Cody.

Oh, come on, Dana-Burger. Check it out.

Look, eventually, somebody's gonna come

into the garage and discover us here, okay?

So all we gotta do is figure out a way

to pass the time, you know, till they discover us.

Ah, I got a killer idea.

Why don't we tell each other our life stories?

I don't feel like it.

Cool, 'cause I wanted to go first anyway.

I remember on the day I was born

the doctor accidentally, like, dropped me

and I was still attached to the umbilical cord.

Yeah, man.

Hey, good thing that floor of that delivery room

was made out of rubber or else, I would have had

some serious brain damage from that drop.

Oh, man, slobber city in here.

All these bald, drooling babies are the same.

Yeah, but only one of them has J.T. Lambert as her agent.

Hello, everyone, I'm Matthew Owens,

executive vice president of marketing.

I'm gonna do a quick review of the babies

so that we can all get out of here.

[SQUIRMS]

Matthew, buddy, J.T. Lambert. Lambert Talent Agency.

This says Lambert Construction.

Yeah, well, we share a building.

Well, let me cut to the chase.

This little angel here has gotta be the next Yum-Yum baby.

She's meeting with Steven Spielberg tomorrow.

-Really? -Yeah, yeah.

You know, movies, theme parks, lunch boxes.

It's big. Huge.

I'll take that into consideration.

Without the boogers.

Alright, thanks for bringing the kids in.

We got pictures on all of them and your home phone numbers.

We'll call you when we've made a decision.

Drive carefully in the rain.

God, I told you this was gonna be a waste of time.

Look, I'm gonna go get the car and meet with you

by the front door, so Lily doesn't get soaked in the rain.

Good idea.

Matthew. Matthew.

Excuse me, coming through. Matthew.

Matthew, buddy, hey, look.

I just got paged by the office.

We're wide open right now.

Yeah, we're ready to ink this thing in if you are.

Listen, kid, I have been drooled on,

pooped on and spit up on.

So do me a favor. Get lost.

Okay, but you're taking a chance.

They're very excited about her over at Disney.

Jerk. No brains, they're all morons.

Idiots. They're just idiots. Why would they...

Oh, my God, the baby.

Come on, Lily. Come on, Lily.

Come on, baby.

Oh, look, honey. Another room full of shampoo.

Golly, who ever thought we could have so much fun

at a beauty convention?

Oh, come on, Carol.

-Can't we go home now, huh? -Go home? We just got here.

Don't you wanna see the demonstration

on facial hair removal?

Oh yeah, yeah, that's what I wanna do.

I wanna watch 'em pluck a big black hair

out of some old bag's lip.

You know, you've been negative ever since we left the house.

I thought you'd find some way to show just a little interest

in my work, but obviously, that is not possible.

Well, I'm sorry. I am trying my best.

No, you're not, you're being a pain in the butt.

So why don't you just go to the hotel bar

and watch sports all day

and I'll come get you when I'm done?

No, h-honey. No, I-I'm so... No.

Yes.

-Excuse me. -Uh-huh.

I just have to tell you, you've got really beautiful hair.

[CHUCKLES] Really?

Oh, yes, it's so vibrant and bouncy

and there's nothing sexier than a man with bouncy hair.

-Ha. -Oh, I'm Tiffany.

-Oh. -I work for Euro Hair.

Can I interest you in a free hair analysis and scalp massage?

W-well, actually I was just on my way out

to watch a football game.

Oh, it doesn't take very long.

It's really quite invigorating.

-Really? -Here. Let me show you.

Alright. Okay.

But I-I, I really don't have a whole lot of tech--

Oh, right there.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Al, Lily's due for a pit stop, alright. Change her.

I did the last pee patrol. This one's all yours.

Fine then, give me a diaper.

J.T.

That's not Lily.

What are you talking about? Are you crazy?

Of course, it's Lily.

My God, she's a boy.

Idiot.

J.T., this is the stupidest thing you've ever done.

[SIGHS] I know.

Dad almost killed me when I lost his hammer.

I'm really gonna get it for this one.

Look, we've gotta find Lily.

You're right, okay, look, I'm gonna drive back

J.T., phone.

Look, just tell whoever it is, I can't talk right now.

I'm driving to Milwaukee, alright?

No, you idiot! Call the baby food company!

Oh, good idea. You are so smart.

Somebody should have put you in charge of the baby.

Hello, hi, hi, hi. This is J.T. Lambert.

Yes, um, I lost my baby sister there earlier.

Yeah, and I was wondering...

Oh, really? Oh, thank God.

They got her.

Okay great. Alright, thanks. Bye.

What? What'd they say?

This kid's mom is at the agency with Lily, okay.

They're on the way, They're gonna be here in about an hour.

[SIGHS]

Yes, thank God.

if you weren't so greedy for that $5000.

Shut up.

CODY: So anyway, that's why it's such a bummer

being born on February 29.

They're in a leap year, you know.

Gee. Hey, you only get a birthday every four years

so technically, I'm only five years old.

Another two years and I'll be six.

Yeah, I've been thinking about having my birthday party

at Chuck E. Cheese.

And you're invited.

That's right. You and me.

Birthday party.

I must have been a really bad person in a previous life.

Hey, I got an idea.

We're gonna sing songs.

Hey, I got the perfect one.

♪ Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall

♪ Ninety nine bottles of beer ♪

Cody.

I do not think singing

Yeah, you're right. We got a lot more time than that.

♪ Two million bottles Of beer on the wall

♪ Two million bottles of beer

♪ You take one down And pass it around

♪ A million nine hundred And ninety nine thousand

Everybody, come on.

[MOANS]

Now the final step to your hair revitalization

is the application of mung moisturizer.

Oh.

Is that from the Mung Dynasty?

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, Frank, you're so clever.

I know. I know.

-Oh. -Oh, I'm almost done with him.

Yeah? So am I.

Hi, honey.

Uh, Tiffany was just, uh, stimulating my follicles.

I can see that.

Excuse me, I wanna borrow Frank's follicles.

Yeah, Tiffany, this is my...

What do you think you're doing?

of Hair Spectacular '95.

Oh, yeah, right, you're bored when you're with me

but Miss Eurotrash here gets-gets her hands on you

and suddenly, you're having the time of your life.

[GRUNTS]

Well, what was I supposed to do?

These Hair Spectaculars are a total snooze.

Oh, like your trade shows are a thrill a minute.

"Hey, it's the basin, tub and toilet show.

"You can wash in it, bathe in it or pee in it.

"We've got it."

It's a lot more exciting

than the wonderful world of haircare.

Well, then fine, I'm not gonna go to

anymore of your stupid tool things again.

business things ever again.

-Fine. Fine! -Fine. Fine!

Did, did we just solve our problem?

Yeah, I think we did.

Oh, Frank, we do so many things together.

Why do we have to drag one another to our business things?

Carol, I think this is my fault.

I didn't stop to think about how bored you must be.

I'm sorry.

instead of putting on my supporting wife smile.

Well, did we just waste a whole day?

No. Not necessarily.

Why don't we buy a bottle of mung moisturizer

and head home and stimulate each other's follicles?

I could use a little extra body.

Oh.

♪ Two bottles of beer on the wall

♪ Two bottles of beer

♪ You take one down and pass it around

♪ You got one bottle of beer on the wall

♪ One bottle of beer

♪ You take one down and pass it around you got

♪ No more bottles of beer on the wall ♪

We did it, buddy.

What do you wanna do now?

Well, Cody,

I don't know about you, but...

...I'm gonna see if I can squeeze

through that light socket.

[PHONE RINGS]

-What's that? -My cellular phone.

You have a cellular phone?

Ah, just ignore it. I don't wanna take any calls right now.

-Answer the phone! -Ah!

Hello. Codeman here. Hey, dude.

Hey, guess what, man. You're not gonna believe this.

I'm stuck in a box right now.

I'll call you back later.

I'm so funny.

Give me that!

Man, where are those people with Lily?

They should've been here half hour ago.

Some people are so irresponsible.

[CAR DRIVING IN]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

Oh, good. Maybe that's them.

It's Dad and Carol. What do we do?

Okay, okay, let's just, uh, cover the baby

and, uh, let's act casual, okay?

-Okay. -Casual.

-Hi. -Hi, everybody. How's it going?

Great. Everything's great.

How about you, Al? Everything great?

Oh, great.

-How's the baby? -He's great.

-He? -He? She.

She, I meant she.

I said he because I forgot the 'S'.

Why is she covered with a blanket?

We didn't wanna get her dusty.

This is not Lily.

Oh, sure, it is. You know kids, they grow up.

Where is the baby?

You're gonna laugh.

J.T., you've got three seconds to tell me where Lily is

or I'm gonna rip your tongue out and throw it on the barbeque.

-Well, uh-- -Baby! Baby! Where's my baby?

Well, we took her to an audition for a commercial

and we brought back the wrong baby.

You what? Oh, God!

Okay, don't, don't worry.

Uh, this kid's parents are bringing her back.

God.

Guess we're grounded, huh?

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

J.T., this is the stupidest thing

you have ever done in your whole life.

Gary, this is the stupidest thing

you have ever done in your whole life.

Oh. Oh, Lily.

Lily, Lily, Lily.

Jeff, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey, Geoffrey.

-Lily. -Geoffrey.

-Lily. -Geoffrey.

You know, dad, there once was a time

when you'd really nail me for doing something like this.

But you didn't.

I think that shows real growth on your part.

J.T., I'm gonna give you a five minute head start

and then I'm gonna hunt you down like a dog.

Okay.

That's enough.

Ladies and gentlemen

I will now assist the great Codini

with the amazing Swords of Death trick.

Observe. Sword number one, right through the box.

[GRUNTS]

Dude, that's worse than sitting on your keys.

[GROANS]

And sword number two...

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS] Woah.

Now I know how shesh kebab feels.

And now I remove the swords.

And voila.

I am like totally unharmed.

[APPLAUDS]

Maybe a little bit thirsty, that's all.

That, my lovely assistant, Markini, huh, huh?

Whoa.

Well, I sprung a leak.

Hey, grab a cup, man. Milk's on me.