Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Stupid job, I hate that job. Who needs it anyway?

[GRUNTING]

Hey, Al, problems at work?

Yeah, I got fired.

Huh. You lost your waitressing job

with that sunny disposition? I'm shocked.

Gee, Al, you got canned again? What did you do this time?

Well, it wasn't my fault.

See, this stupid lady spent about 20 minutes trying to decide

what kind of cheese she should have on her patty melt,

so I made a suggestion.

[STAMMERS] Which was?

I told her if I had a butt like that, I'd lay off the cheese all together.

Hey, Dad, maybe you can talk my boss

into giving me my job back.

Yeah, wait a minute Al,

don't expect me to bail you out, okay?

You lost your job because you have an attitude problem.

If you expect to make it in the working world,

you've got to learn to be a team player.

-Dad... -Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Great, now I'm never gonna find a job.

It's not your fault.

You're a Lambert. You're destined to be chronically unemployed.

Oh, Al, good news.

I heard they're looking for someone to work at the new cookie store at the mall.

How did you know I'd be looking for a job?

Well, you've been at that restaurant for almost a week.

I just figured you'd be fired by now.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, Lambert, we're ready to open.

It's showtime.

This is so lame.

Lame?

There's nothing lame about representing

the fastest growing mall franchise in America.

Chin up, shoulders back.

Show some pride.

I'm wearing a cookie on my head.

How proud is that?

Oh, my God. He's here.

-What? Who's here? -He's here.

The head honcho.

Straighten up. Look sharp.

Yes.

Hello, Mister Chips.

[CHUCKLING]

Welcome aboard, sir.

It's good to see you again.

-What's with the monkey? -Show a little respect.

This is Mister Chips, he's our corporate mascot.

He comes to all the store openings.

Alright, Mister Chips.

Time to go to work. Let's go.

[GASPS]

Hey, I'll see you around 6:00.

-Okay, Bill. See you later. -Right.

Bye, Mister Chips.

Huh, yeah.

Okay, you'll stay at the counter with Mister Chips.

I'll be in the back making more cookies.

No, wait. Uh, Mr. Sloan, um...

you expect me to work with a monkey?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

This "monkey" has opened thirty five stores in the last two years.

If he could answer the phone, you'd be out of a job.

If you have any questions,

ask him.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Dad? -Yeah?

Is it okay if I ride my bike out front?

Yeah, sure, pal.

Thanks.

-Frank? -Yeah?

I just talked to Annette Parks.

-And guess what? -What?

I've been chosen to direct the fund raiser for the community theater.

Well, that's great.

I'm even gonna be in it myself.

-That's great. -And you are too.

That stinks.

Come on, Frank, I want us to play Tarzan and Jane.

Awe, come on, honey,

I wore that Tarzan costume last Halloween and I hated it.

The loincloth gave me a wedgie.

Come on, Frank. I mean, the first rehearsal is tonight.

Besides, if Frank play Tarzan,

Jane make him feel like "King of the Jungle."

Nice try, honey.

But there are three things I'll never ever do again.

Number one, eat sushi.

Number two, zip up my pants in the dark.

And number three, wear a Tarzan costume in public.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow.

Thanks for letting me tag along, guys.

I've never seen a real pool hall before.

Uh, that's okay, Mark.

Most of the people here have never seen a real geek before.

I don't think I heard you correctly.

-Who's the geek? You're the geek. -I'm the geek.

Yeah. Okay, cool.

Now that we got settled, let's play pool, man.

Dudesie, there's a free pool table.

Come on.

Hey, man, me and Mark will play against you and Rich, okay?

I'll break.

I've seen The Color of Money twelve times.

I think I can be a real pool shark.

Hop to it, Jackson.

Let me give you a little advice there, cuz.

Try and keep the cue ball on the table.

Yeah, that should really improve your game.

[LAUGHING]

It's okay, Cody. I guess I'm not very good at this.

What, are you kidding me?

Pool should be a piece of cake for a brainy little dude like you.

Come on now, get in there.

What does being smart have to do with playing pool?

Yeah, J.T. can play pool real good

-and he's an idiot. -Yeah.

Dude, the game of pool is nothing but geometry and physics.

You know, triangles, angles, and force.

Oh, I see,

so it's all related to Newton's second law of motion.

To wit, the acceleration of a mass by a force is inversely proportional to the mass

and directly proportional to the force.

Totally.

Now get in there and show them what a brainiac can do.

Yeah, like this math stuff is really going to work.

-That was luck. -Yeah.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-Cody, it works. -Totally, man!

What? Did you think Sir Isaac Newton was just yanking your chain?

Come on, Slick, I'll buy you a soda.

I can't believe that little dork just ran the table.

Geez, with the way he plays, he could take anybody in the place.

Hey, look, there's Big Jim.

He's the best pool hustler in Port Washington.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

You take the blonde, I'll take the brunette.

No, you idiot.

We could play Big Jim for money. We'll use Mark.

Absolutely. Okay.

All right, follow my lead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, whatever you do, don't say anything to Cody.

He's into honesty and morality and all that garbage.

Just forget about that.

All right, come on.

Hey, Big Jim, I was wondering if, uh, you wanted to play for some money?

What? With a little punk like you?

No, actually with the little blonde punk right over there.

You're kidding, right?

-Nope. -Fine.

How about we play for 500 bucks?

How about we make it 1,000?

You're on.

I've got an opening tonight at, uh...

-8:00. -8:00.

Have your boy here and bring cash.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you. Come again.

Would you give me a break? It's my first day.

Ah, bad news.

The animal trainer won't be able to pick up Mister Chips tonight.

So, um, are you going to have to take him home over night?

No, you are.

What?

Me? No, no, I can't do that.

Can't?

There is no can't here at Hello, Mister Chips.

Hey, if you want to keep this job,

you're gonna be a team player and take this monkey home tonight.

Why don't you take him home?

Hey, hey, hey, I've got my mother-in-law living with me.

One hairy beast in the house is enough.

Mr. Sloan, wait a minute.

You don't understand. I mean,

my dad got upset when my brother brought home a guinea pig.

I mean, he'll go crazy if I bring home a monkey.

Well, that's your problem, not mine.

Good night, Mister Chips.

You lock up.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTERING]

All right, quiet. No more jungle noises.

[DOOR HANDLE TURNING]

DANA: Hey, why is this door locked?

Go away.

You don't have a guy in there, do you?

Well, sort of.

Al, we can stand here and bang on this door all day.

All right, shut up, come on, hurry up.

-Thank you. -Okay.

Gee, Al, even you can do better than that.

It is not my date.

Mister Chips is the mascot at the cookie store.

The Mister Chips?

Oh, this is so exciting.

I've never met a celebrity before.

All right, look,

my boss said I have to keep him here overnight or get fired.

So you two have to promise to keep this a secret.

Really? Why should we?

All right, he can stay.

Oh, that's so sweet, Frank.

Gee, thanks for setting up the chairs.

Oh, that's okay. Ah, gee, what are you wearing that for?

Oh, this? Well, the costume helps me get into character.

Oh, Frank, I'm sorry you can't play Tarzan.

Yeah, well, you know, this is, uh,

the night I always set aside to rotate my tires.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well don't worry about it, Annette.

I found a terrific guy to play Tarzan in this honeymoon sketch with me.

-Hi, Carol. -Hi, Troy.

-Come on in. -How are you?

Fine. Everybody, this is Troy Hartman.

You probably recognize him from all the underwear ads in the Sunday supplement.

He's the one who's gonna play Tarzan?

God, he's gorgeous.

He can climb my tree any time.

Okay, are you ready, Troy?

Am I ready? Yes, I am.

[LAUGHING] Okay, well, let's begin.

Sure.

Uh, Frank, we're going to rehearsal now.

So you can go do whatever you're gonna do.

Oh, okay, I'll just go. Bye, y'all.

Okay.

Alright, let's start with the scene when Tarzan and Jane

consummate their marriage, huh.

You know what? I forgot my keys.

So, I'll just be looking around for them.

You go right ahead. Don't let me bother you.

Okay. Here you go.

All right, the scene is Tarzan and Jane's wedding night, okay?

Oh, I have the first line.

[GASPS]

Oh, Tarzan,

are you as hot to trot as I am?

You bet.

Tarzan wait long time for big night with Jane.

Well, then take me, you wild jungle beast.

-Ah. -Hey, I got an idea.

Let's say, Jane's a nun, taken a vow of chastity.

Every time Tarzan goes to kiss her, she belts him right in his pretty boy nose.

-Frank? -Huh?

Will you come with me, right now, for a minute, please?

Let go of his hair! Let go... Frank!

What is going on with you?

You're acting like an absolute jerk out there.

I don't want you in there kissing that jungle gigolo.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. It's a sketch.

Besides, somebody's got to play Tarzan and you didn't want to.

Well, I changed my mind. I'm playing Tarzan and that's final.

Come on.

Okay, everybody, here's the deal.

Me, Tarzan. Her, Jane.

You, history. Any problems with that?

No problem here.

Carol, you got a problem with Frank playing Tarzan?

No, no problems at all.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You're such an idiot.

-You tricked me. -Oh, yeah, and it was so easy.

All I had to do is put on the costume,

pretended to flirt with Troy and reel you in like a big old fish.

Hey, no hard feelings, huh, Frank?

No, no hard feelings. I guess I had it coming.

-Well, I hope you're happy. -Yes, Jane very happy.

Now she gets to play kissy face with the real Tarzan.

Six ball, corner pocket.

[LAUGHS]

Yep, how about that, Big Jim?

Five shots in a row.

Yeah, you may never get a chance to shoot.

Seven ball, side pocket.

Yes!

If I sink the eight ball, I win.

Calm down, punk.

[SCOFFS] There's no way you're gonna beat me for 1,000 bucks.

What? $1,000?

I'm playing this game for $1,000?

That's right. You just missed, so now it's my turn.

Can I have a word with you for a second there, J.T.?

Come here.

Did I hear that right?

Did you bet 1,000 bucks on your little brother's game?

Yeah, and I don't have it. So you better win.

Win? With $1,000 on the line,

I'm trying not to wet my pants.

Uh, J.T., if I may.

I was just, you know, reviewing the situation,

what with the, uh, you know, what's going on

and I think we made a very serious error in judgment.

Uh... See ya!

Oh, man.

Hey, Milquetoast, you're up.

All right, now listen here, Mark,

just try and forget about the bet.

Concentrate on the game and what made it fun for you in the first place, okay?

You mean geometry and physics?

Totally. Just think, triangles.

It's all triangles.

No way, he's going to sink that eight ball.

He'd have to use like three or four cushions to do it.

Let's see. A 45 degree angle.

Initial speed, 20 miles per hour.

Vector factor of six.

Okay, eight ball, corner pocket.

In your dreams, Casper.

Yeah.

[CHEERING]

News flash, Big Jim.

Casper just kicked your butt.

Yep, 1,000 bucks.

All right.

I'm rich! I'm rich!

[LAUGHS] You mean, Mark's rich.

Here, dudesie. Put that in your college fund, bro.

Wait a minute. I'm his manager. I should get something.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, here's a buck. See if you can manage to take the bus home.

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Karen, um, I'm going to go take a shower.

Would you please keep an eye on Mister Chips?

No problem.

Come on, Bobby,

you can't just call me up every night

just to tell me how beautiful my eyes are.

Tonight, let's talk about my hair.

Uh huh... [GIGGLES]

I know.

Carol, that feels so nice.

Hello.

Which one of my genius children brought you home?

Mister Chips, Mister Chips.

Looking for your monkey?

Uh, Dad. I... [STAMMERING] I can explain this.

This is gonna be real good.

See, Mister Chips is the mascot at the cookie store I work at.

The manager wanted me to bring him home.

Well, why didn't you say "no?"

Well, because I really want to keep this job, you know,

and I was trying to do what you told me and be a team player.

Did I screw up again?

No, pal. You didn't. Not if this is what it took to keep your job.

I understand.

Thanks for not getting mad at me, Dad.

That's okay.

CAROL: Jane upstairs ready to rehearse with Tarzan.

Could I, uh, borrow your friend for a minute?

-Sure. -Uh, hey, pal,

come on, hitch a ride.

Tarzan got big surprise for Jane.

I'll see your $2

and I'll raise you $2.

Your move, bro.

Whoa, I see.

Mr. Big Shot-I-own-my-own- cookie-franchise decides to bet the whole enchilada, huh?

Well, I've got news for you, pal.

You put your pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us.

I'm with ya.

Okay, what do you got?

A full house?

Hey, you are one cagey little poker player.

No wonder you've got a better job than I do.

Hey, gimme five.

All right.

Ooh, the monkey slide.