Original subtitles

-Hey, dudes. -Hey, Cody.

Hey, did you guys get any deliveries for me today?

No, why? You expecting something?

Yeah, buddy. Dude, today's the day I get

my Kalashnikov Ham Radio from Russia.

[CHUCKLES]

You ordered something from Russia?

-Can you do that? -Totally.

Dude, ever since they threw out the Commies

they're having like this big, giant Eastern bloc

clearance sale over there.

[CHUCKLES]

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Lost our nation, everything must go.

[LAUGHING]

Dude, check out this catalog.

-Oh, wow! -Yeah.

Those pinkos really know how to move the merchandise.

Yeah, buddy.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, dude, that's it.

My Kalashnikov Ham Radio is here.

Thank you very much. [LAUGHS]

-All right. -Delivery for a Cody Lambert.

-That's me, dude. Cool. -Sign here.

Listen, buddy, I gotta tell you somethin'.

I've been in this business for 15 years

and this is the strangest delivery I've ever made.

What? You've never delivered a ham radio before?

Oh, no, I've delivered a lot of those.

Just that I've never delivered one of these before.

Hello! Hmm, you must be Cody.

[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] Yeah, I'm Cody.

-Who are you? -I'm what you ordered.

I'm your mail-order bride.

Hey-hey, now hold the phoneski here, guys. Uh...

There's gotta be some kind of shipping

and handling error, right? I mean...

I ordered a Kalashnikov Ham Radio.

Oh, I see what happened.

When you ordered your Kalashnikov,

you wrote down Kalashnikova instead.

Oh, that's me, Ludmilla Kalashnikova.

One-hundred-percent virgin mail order bride.

Come to me, honeybunch. Let me hold you to my bosoms.

[SCREAMING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ The second time around ♪

Mom, can you make me a tuna sandwich?

Mark, can't you make it yourself?

-I'm busy. -Busy...

Guys, I need you to screen my calls today.

Now, listen, okay.

I'm here if it's Bobby, Kerry, Jenny

Diane or Steve S.

Now, I'm not here if it's Billy, Jackie, Larry

Joel or Steve P.

Now, if Steve W. calls, ask me and I'll decide then.

Karen! We don't have time for this.

I haven't had time to go to the bathroom

since 8:00 this morning.

We have a cordless phone. Take it with you.

-Has anybody seen my socks? -We're a little busy here, son.

Yeah, they don't have time for that.

Now, listen, I need you guys to tape Nightlinefor me tonight, okay?

Dana, can't you do this yourself?

[CLAMORING]

All right!

[WHISTLES] Hey!

Now, that's enough!

Everybody, we're having a family meeting right now.

Oh, God, another Brady Bunch moment.

Sit down, blondie.

God, what crawled up their shorts?

Who knows? They're old. It could be anything.

Karen! Come on down.

All right, you guys.

Now, we have something that we think

it's important to discuss with you.

Oh, no, you're not having another kid, are you?

No, as a matter of fact, we're thinking of getting rid

of a couple we already have.

Karen!

Oh, is it Steve S.?

Karen, it is not Steve S., Steve P.,

Steve W. or Steve anybody.

Now, just sit down. We're having a family meeting.

Okay. Hurry, I'm expecting a call.

[SIGHS]

It has come to our attention that the six of you

are either selfish, lazy, or brain-dead.

And Frank and I are tired of doing things

that the six of you are perfectly capable

of doing for yourselves.

Like what?

Mark, what is your IQ?

One hundred and eighty-seven.

Technically, I'm a genius.

Do you think there is any chance, Mr. Genius,

that you could make yourself a stinking tuna sandwich?

-I guess so. -Then do it!

[LAUGHING] Oh, man, she busted you!

Now, now, now, J.T., J.T.

Now, how old are you, son?

I don't know. Nineteen?

That's right, you're 19.

That means you can vote for the President.

You can serve in the Armed Forces.

You can sign a binding contract.

You think you can find your own socks?

So what are you saying?

You're not gonna help us anymore?

No, what we are saying is that we are your parents.

We are not your answering service, your short order cooks,

your maid or your finder of lost socks!

That's right, so from now on, don't bug us unless

one of three things is happening.

Number one, you're bleeding.

Number two, you're in jail,

or number three, you wanna leave this house forever

and you need a ride to the bus.

-Can I ask a question? -Are you bleeding?

-No. -Well, then, we're outta here.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ You've got a thing or two to learn about me, baby

♪ 'Cause I ain't taking it no more and I don't mean maybe

♪ You don't know right from wrong

♪ Well, the love we had is gone

♪ So blame it on your lyin', cheatin', cold dead beatin'

♪ Two-timin', double-dealin'

♪ Mean, mistreatin' lovin' heart

♪ Are you headed for a heartache?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Gonna get a bad break Oh, yeah

♪ You made a bad mistake Oh, yeah

♪ You're never gonna find another love like mine

♪ Someone's gonna do you like you done me, honey

♪ And when she does you like she'll do you

♪ It ain't funny

♪ You'll need some sympathy

♪ But don't be calling me

♪ Hey, blame it on your lyin', cheatin', cold dead beatin'

♪ Two-timin', double-dealin'

♪ Mean, mistreatin' lovin' heart

♪ Yeah, blame it on your lyin', cheatin', cold dead beatin'

♪ Two-timin', double-dealin'

♪ Mean, mistreatin' lovin' heart ♪

So, what do you think, Dana?

I think I just walked onto the set of Hee Haw.

The guys are helping me make a demo tape.

Karen, no offense to you and the Beverly Hillbillies

but I just... I don't get country music.

I mean, I don't know why you'd wanna sing about

pick-up trucks and the cheatin' hearts

and your poor old dead dog and...

Because it is fun.

And the guys are gonna help me become a big country star.

Then I'll have my own fan club, my own tour bus,

and a stormy marriage that inspires

an ABC "Movie Of The Week."

Karen, what exactly makes you think that

you're gonna be the queen of country music?

Well, I read an ad in the paper that said

a big record producer has come to Port Washington

to find new country singing talent.

Big record producers only come to Port Washington

when their planes crash here.

You don't think I can make it, do you?

Not by answering an ad in the Port Washington Bugle.

Fine. Be that way.

If you keep up that attitude, I'll get Shannen Doherty

to play you in the movie.

No, look, comrade, dude...

I ordered a ham radio, but you sent me a woman instead.

No.

A woman. You know, a chick, a babe.

[SCOFFS] A broadski.

[CHUCKLES]

No, not a jet ski, a broadski!

Hello? Hello?

Dude, that's the last time I do business with

the former Soviet Union. Ha!

Cody, you gotta talk to this woman. Where is she?

She asked me for my credit card.

She turns around and runs right down to the mall.

Cody!

Do you know you only have $2000 limit on your credit card?

Man, even communist chicks know how to spend.

[CHUCKLES] Cody, my little pickled herring.

We luck out like Yeltsin's bartender.

Bride magazine has special fold-out section

on most romantic honeymoons.

You like Poconos?

[MUTTERING] Okay. No. No, no...

Listen. Come here. sit down for a second.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

There's not gonna be any wedding.

-[GASPS] -Okay?

Now, hold the phone, homeboy.

Ludmilla good girl.

You're not going to get the milk

unless you buy the cow.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Now, wait, hold on, hold on a second.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm not talking about that.

Okay.

What I mean is that, like, I just don't think

we should get married, you know?

I mean... Hey, people should get married 'cause they're in love.

[CHUCKLES] Not because of some shipping and handling error.

You know, I was thinking maybe it'd be better

if you kinda just like, went on back to Russia.

You know?

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's a big nyet to that.

I'm in America and I'm not going back to country

that has toilet paper that feels like Brillo pad.

Okay, so there's some drawbacks to living in Russia.

But, hey, look at the bright side.

You guys got a killer hockey team.

[CHUCKLES] Come on.

Listen, buster, there's no turning back now.

You send for me, I come, we get married.

Now, Ludmilla going to van to try on skimpy camisole

for wedding night.

No peeking. [CHUCKLES]

Important to keep mystery in marriage.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, dude.

-Brendan. Great news. -Hey, Jeremy.

My dad got a bunch of tickets to the Packers game tomorrow

and he's gonna take the whole soccer team.

Wow! That sounds cool.

Yeah, all you gotta do is get your dad

to sign this permission slip I got here.

Oh, I don't know if I wanna bug my dad.

He's kind of been a butthead lately.

Well, you gotta get your dad to sign that slip

if you wanna go to the game.

Okay, I'll try. I just hope he doesn't go mental on me.

-Hey, Dad. -Ah. Oh.

-What? What is it? -Can I talk to you for a second?

[SIGHS] I'm a little busy here, son.

-Hey, Dad! -What?

I need 20 bucks.

Hey, Uncle Frank, dude.

I got a problem, okay?

There's like this big Russian lady living in my van--

Cody, you have all got to solve these problems yourselves.

Now, go away. Go on.

-Dad? -What?

-Nothing. -Thank you.

I'd like to thank the Academy of Country Music

for giving me this award.

And I'd like to send my love out to my husband, Buddy,

at the Betty Ford Center.

Yippee-ki-ay, it's the Rhinestone Cowgirl.

You know, Dana, you can joke all you want.

But I took my tape down to that record producer and he loved it.

In fact, he's sending out demos

to all the major record companies.

All it cost me was $500. [CHUCKLES]

Karen, you gave $500 to some sleazy record producer?

He is not sleazy!

He had a very nice hotel room by the airport.

You gave your life savings to a guy you don't even know?

Yeah. I hate to say this but you got majorly ripped off.

You guys just do not believe that

I have the talent to make it.

No, it's just that you can't go around handing money

to the first stranger--

Yeah, yeah, okay, I know, I know.

It's a million-to-one shot for anybody to make it.

But this producer thinks that I'm great, okay?

And if you don't believe me, I'll get him on the phone

and you can ask him yourself.

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

Marty Green's room please.

Oh, that's impossible. He can't have checked out.

He was supposed to be here all week.

Well, did he leave a message for Karen Foster?

Well, do you have a number where I can reach him?

Yeah, I see.

Thanks, bye.

[SIGHS]

Look, Karen... I'm really sorry.

Just leave me alone.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]

I'm living with pigs.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Hey, Frank. -Oh, hey, Bill.

What's goin' on here?

I'm taking the team to a Packers game today.

Well, Brendan never mentioned it to us.

Oh, um, he can't go.

He's... He's busy today.

We gotta get some equipment from his room for practice tomorrow.

Oh, sure, go on. Come on in, Bill.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, that's really weird.

Brendan should've mentioned the game to us.

He loves the Packers.

Yeah, it sounded weird to me too, but you know kids.

They got a million things goin' on. Who can keep up?

[THUDDING]

[GROANING]

Okay, we got the soccer balls. Bye, Mr. Lambert.

Yeah, hold on there, boys. Uh...

I think you may have just killed one of your soccer balls.

Excuse me, son.

-Hello! -Hi, Dad.

I know you're really busy, so why don't I just go upstairs?

Yeah, why don't you just stay right here?

Okay, come on, guys. Let's go on outside

and let, uh, Brendan here talk with his dad.

[BRENDAN SIGHS]

Thanks.

Ah-ah-ah, come on.

Sit down.

So, you, uh, wanna tell me what's goin' on?

Well, I wanted to go to the game

but I needed you to sign the permission slip.

Well, why didn't you ask me?

I tried to but you were really busy and we had that meeting

about how I'm not supposed to bug you and stuff.

Oh...

Well, son, I think I owe you an apology about that.

Eh, Carol and I want you guys to find your own socks,

make your own sandwiches, but when it comes to important stuff,

you gotta know you can come to us.

Well, how do I know what stuff's important?

Hmm. Well, I'll tell you what.

If you, uh... If you don't know for sure

then you come and ask us and we'll tell you, huh?

We're your parents, son. I mean that's what we're here for.

In the meantime, I think you should go enjoy

your Packers game, huh? Go on, take off.

Hey, Dad, can I have some money for a hot dog?

Oh. Oh, I saw five dollars down here. Hang on.

Oh, yeah, here. Here's five dollars and here's your hat.

And, oh! Ah-ha! By golly, there's your retainer.

Have a good time. Yeah.

Cody, man, you've gotta think of something.

There's no way you can marry this Russian woman.

Yeah. Okay, I got it.

I'll tell Ludmilla I can't marry her because

I'm gonna become a priest.

[CHUCKLES]

It's not gonna work. She's gonna find out your lying.

Well, not if I really become a priest.

Cody, I have wonderful news for you!

Hey, hey! You're gonna give me back my credit card?

Even better.

I was down at the Golden Arches

when I saw the man of my dreams.

Ronald McDonald?

No, Sergei. What a hunk!

A combination Dolph Lundgren and Bob Saget.

Hey, Ludmilla, is this your way of giving me the old heave-ho?

Totally! [CHUCKLING]

Sergei is naturalized citizen. He's making me real American.

You're off the hook, big guy.

Ludmilla, dudesy, congratulations.

All right!

[CHUCKLES]

I'd love to stay and chat but Sergei is waiting outside

in a new Lexus Coupe.

With gold package and premium sound system.

-Goodbye, Codeman. -Goodbye.

Now you know how we stay warm all winter. [CHUCKLES]

Eat your heart out, baby.

[CHUCKLES]

-All right! Well done! -Dude, thanks.

I am no longer under Russian domination.

Yup.

[SYRUP SQUIRTS]

DANA: Karen!

Karen!

What are you doing?

Well, I'm too young to get drunk, so,

thought I'd just get fat.

Well, I have got a little something

that I think is going to cheer you up.

What?

Well, I know how much you like country music.

So, I made a little request for you. Come on.

Come on.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN ON RADIO: You know, a little while ago, somebody dropped off

a tape of a local gal singing a Patty Loveless tune.

The artist's name is Karen Foster

and I think this little lady is goin' places.

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

That's my song. How'd they get that?

I took it down there.

You did? Why?

Well, I know I made fun of you,

you know, about the whole country music thing.

But I listened to your demo and...

You're really talented. I think you're really good.

Really?

Well, yeah! I mean, just listen to yourself.

♪ Your lyin', cheatin', cold dead beatin'

♪ Two-timin', double-dealin'

♪ Mean, mistreatin' lovin' heart

♪ Are you headed for a heartache?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Gonna get a bad break Oh, yeah

♪ You made a bad mistake Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You've got a thing or two to learn about me, baby

♪ 'Cause I ain't taking it no more and I don't mean maybe

♪ You don't know right from wrong

♪ Well, the love we had is gone

♪ So blame it on your lyin'

♪ Cheatin', cold dead beatin'

♪ Two-timin'

♪ Double-dealin'

♪ Mean, mistreatin'

♪ Lovin' heart

♪ Yeah, blame it on your lyin'

♪ Cheatin', cold dead beatin'

♪ Two-timin', double-dealin'

♪ Mean, mistreatin' loving heart ♪