Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[BABY CRYING]

Lilly, be quiet for a moment, please.

Oh, Frank, she's been crying over an hour now.

I'm afraid she's gonna wake everybody up.

Well, maybe some scotch would help.

You can't give a baby scotch.

Oh, come on, Lilly, please stop crying.

Please, honey, be quiet for daddy, huh?

Coochie-coo, honey, coochie-coo.

[LILLY CRIES LOUDLY]

Okay, we took a vote.

Really, Mother, stick something in her mouth.

Hook her up to the old milk machine.

CAROL: Nah.

I tried that. Nothing works.

You know, this reminds me

of the amazing crying baby of Borneo.

Her cry was so piercing that it could actually be heard by pearl divers

fifty feet under the sea.

How did they get her to stop?

They didn't.

[LILLY CONTINUES CRYING]

Oh, man!

Sorry, Cody.

I've tried everything.

Oh, why don't you let me take a look under the hood?

You know, I'm kind of sympatico with babies.

Maybe I could have a little pal up with the munchkin and find out what's wrong.

Well, all right.

-Here, go to Uncle Cody. -[LILLY CRYING]

Come here!

That's it. [CONTINUES CRYING]

Tell your cousin Codeman all your problems. [LAUGHS]

-[LILLY BURPS] -CODY: Oh-psh.

Dude, that gives me gas too. [LAUGHS]

[LILLY STOPS CRYING]

Dudesie.

She stopped.

God bless you, Cody.

Gee, thanks, Cody.

Here, let me take her. I'll put her in her crib.

-Okay. -Okay.

[LILLY RESUMES CRYING]

Ooh.

Oh, shoot.

Here. Why don't you give her back,

-All right, here. -Okay, cool.

Oh.

[LILLY STOPS CRYING]

Ooh. [LAUGHS]

Looks like I got the midol touch. [LAUGHS]

You know what, why don't I spend the night with her right here on the couch.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Yeah, come on now, honey.

And it's not good for you either, you need your sleep.

Oh, I guess you're right.

Okay. Night, Lilly.

All right, I'm just gonna take a little snoozie on the couch

with the Codeman. [LAUGHS] All right.

Got a little Pee-wee slumber party, huh? [LAUGHS]

I adjust.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say My Lord I think I found someone

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

J.T.: Why don't you just eat my shorts?

DANA: Here is an idea, J.T.

See, that's what I like about you, Barkie.

Even though you're ugly, you got a really bad personality.

Welcome to another addition of Family Feud.

So, what's the problem today?

So, the professor is forcing us to do a project together.

Eight hours observing some place called the Family Helpline.

Yeah, yeah. And now I have to spend my Saturday nights with...

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm rubber and you're glue.

What are you, like a three years old?

I know you were born in May.

Oh, God, grow a brain.

-J.T.: Make me. -[DANA SIGHS]

DANA: J.T., shut up!

-J.T.: Make me! -DANA: Go away!

J.T.: Make me, make me, make me!

[LILLY CRYING]

CAROL: Come on, Lilly.

I did everything the book said to do.

You're supposed to stop crying now.

Honey, why don't we call Cody and let him try?

He seem to have the magic touch last night.

No, I'm her mother, I can get her to stop crying.

Oh, no, honey, I think we're missing a golden opportunity here, now.

If we let Cody take Lilly then...

he can perform his bedtime magic and...

then I can perform mine.

Frank, I can't think about sex now.

I'm in mother mode.

[LILLY CONTINUES CRYING]

None of us can sleep, so...

I brought the baby pacifier.

Yeah. [LAUGHS] Sad man patrol reporting for duty, sir.

[LILLY CRYING LOUDLY]

It's okay, I think Lilly is getting a little quieter now.

[LILLY CRIES]

Mom, you're not cutting it.

So, hand over the baby and nobody gets hurt.

Oh, let Cody give it a shot.

Hon, it did work last night.

I see. Everybody thinks that all I have to do

is give Cody the baby and she'll stop crying.

Well, all right. I'll show you it is not as easy as that.

Yeah, it's not like she's just hand the baby over

and all of a sudden she's gonna...

[LILLY STOPS CRYING]

stop.

Oh, dude, it's not your mom's fault.

It's probably like a coincidence, you know.

-[CODY LAUGHS] -CAROL: No, I would hate have you do that.

No, I don't mind. It's kind of fun.

-CAROL: All right. Okay. -FRANK: Here, come on , honey.

-CAROL: All right. Okay, okay. -CODY: All right.

Okay, everybody try and get some sleep.

Boy, Lilly, you're driving your mother crazy!

[SIGHS]

Oh, come on now, Carol.

Don't feel bad.

Everything is gonna be fine.

Besides we're alone now. [CHUCKLES]

You, uh, you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?

My baby hates me! [CRYING]

No, no, no! That wasn't what I was thinking.

Hi! Is this the Family Helpline?

No, it's the house of blues. I'm B.B. King.

You must be J.T. and Dana.

I'm Howard. Come on in.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello!

Helpline! What's your problem?

BOY: Uh, I'm just really bummed?

My mom's always on my case.

My basketball coach, he doesn't like me.

And I just got a D in algebra.

Your life's tough.

Here's what you do.

Quit basketball, be nice to your mom,

crack a book once in a while,

and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

BOY: Okay.[LAUGHS] Bye.

Have a nice life.

Another crisis averted.

So, this is the kind of advice people get when they call the Family Helpline?

Look, this isn't exactly rescue 911.

Most people just have simple problems,

they just need someone to talk to.

Today, I had three, "My mom doesn't understand me,"

just one, "My boss won't give me a raise,"

and one kid took 14 showers and he still thought he had B.O.

And I handled the mob, balanced my check book,

and scored 50,000 points on Game Boy.

You got Game Boy?

Cool.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello, helpline. What's your problem?

WOMAN: My water just broke, I think I'm having a baby.

Yeah, calm down. Where's the father?

WOMAN: Howard, you're the father!

Cathy? [STAMMERING] That's my wife.

We're having a baby.

You, J.T., You look like you're smart. Well, you're in-charge.

Whoa, wait a minute.

You can't go. What if somebody calls?

Just be sympathetic like me.

What if there's something serious?

The number's on that list next to the phone.

Yes! Yes, 10,000 points. [GAME BOY BEEPING]

Man, being a mental health worker is a lot more fun than I thought.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Oh, God. What're we gonna do? We're not trained to handle this?

Relax. I'll handle this.

I'm the smart one, remember? [LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Hello, helpline!

[DIAL-TONE]

Hello, helpline!

[DIAL-TONE]

Helpline, what's your problem?

WOMAN: Hi, my name's Cindy.

Yeah, I'm here for you, Cindy. Tell me what's on your mind.

CINDY: A couple of months ago, I started doing some modeling.

[GAME BOY BEEPING]

You're a model?

See, my boyfriend's the jealous type

Oh, well, Cindy...

It seems to me that you're just in a lot of pain.

Cindy, uh, what are you wearing right now?

[DIAL-TONE]

Are you crazy? This is a helpline

not the psychic sex connection.

Hey, hey, hey, you help your way, I'll help mine, okay?

[TELEPHONE RINGS] I'll take care of this one.

Don't you touch that, you testosterone driven fool!

Hello. Welcome to the Family Helpline.

We're here to listen to your problems, be sympathetic,

and help you through all the most difficult times of your life.

I got big family problems.

I don't see it ever getting better.

I mean, I just don't see a way out.

I think I'm gonna drive up to Lookout cliff.

Take the big plunge and end it all.

[WHISPERS] What do we do?

Can we put you on hold for just a minute?

What are you doing?

[PAGER BEEPING]

What's that?

Oh, my God. It's Howard's beeper.

DANA: Me?

"Alcohol, drugs, pregnancy, zits."

Why is there nothing in here on suicides?

I don't know. I'm gonna go to the bookstore and find something, okay?

J.T., no!

We can't keep this guy on hold forever.

Then talk to him.

Hello. Thanks for holding.

BOY: I said I'm gonna drive off a cliff and you put me on hold?

Okay, that was a mistake.

But we're back and we're glad that you're here.

What's your name?

J.T.: [WHISPERS] Don't give him your real name.

[WHISPERS] Why not?

Although that would have pushed them over the edge already.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] TODD: Hey!

Are you gonna tell me your name or not?

My name's... Barkie.

TODD: Barkie?

It's a pet name.

My partner's name is Spud.

TODD: Oh, great.

Look, that's not the point here, why don't you just tell us what's bothering you?

My dad just got re-married and he's practically ignoring me now.

His new wife and kids are moving into our house tomorrow.

Now I have a step-brother and step-sister.

Total morons. You have no idea what that's like.

-DANA: Oh, yes, we do. -J.T.: Oh.

Tell me something.

When you look at your new step-siblings,

do the words "Trailer trash" spring to mind?

TODD: It's just that all these strange people are gonna be moving into my house,

using our stuff and putting all their junk in my closet.

[LAUGHS] You think that's bad, buddy?

Let's talk bathroom, okay?

Try to get a little privacy to read the sports page

while some witch is banging on the door saying,

"Are you done yet? I have to put on my makeup."

Like makeup's gonna help. You know what I mean?

Listen, greaseball, we're supposed to be helping this guy.

Who are you calling greaseball?

-Don't make fun of my hair. -Okay.

You know, Dana, you're a real pain in the butt.

[LAUGHS] Oh, that's witty.

-J.T.: Throw up! -DANA: Please.

[DIAL-TONE]

Todd?

Todd?

Todd! Todd!

-DANA: Hello? -J.T.: Todd!

Todd, we're here for you.

Todd!

What did the say?

Okay, Officer, thank you, bye.

The police are up at Lookout cliff.

Todd hasn't been there yet.

Good.

We screwed up huge.

That kid was desperate for somebody to talk to.

Yeah. We really blew it. All we could do is

rag on each other about our stuff.

You know, I remember what it was like when you guys moved into our house.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, me too.

When dad told me we were moving in with a bunch of strangers,

I felt... [SIGHS]

really, really scared.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

It probably would have been easier if we had somebody to talk to

who had been through the same thing, you know.

Hi, is this the Family Helpline?

Yeah, but don't expect too much from us. We stink.

Tell me about it. I'm Todd.

You must be Spud and Barkie.

Thank God you're okay.

But now that you're here, we can... we can have a rational dialog.

And we can deal with all the issues that are troubling you,

and we can get to the root of your depression,

so you can become a complete,

and fully functioning human being once again. [CHUCKLES]

Anyway, we're really glad that you came here to talk.

Okay, look, we know getting into a step-family is really rough,

but trust me, it is not worth driving off a cliff.

Well, I know that. It's just that these new people moving in,

everything's changing so fast.

And... nothing seems to make sense anymore.

It takes time to get used to the whole...

step-family thing.

But, it gets better, I promise.

Especially if you have a sense of humor.

Exactly! If you're gonna be part of the same family,

you gotta learn bust each other's chops once in a while.

I mean, look, if I didn't like Dana,

you think I'd be able to call her a butt-ugly cow pie, huh?

And if I didn't like J.T.,

That was a good one.

-DANA: Stop it. -J.T.: No, really.

-DANA: No! -J.T.: Really, that was great.

-J.T.: Gimme some skin on that. -DANA: Oh, stop!

You know, being in a step-family is starting to sound kind of cool.

You got any good slams for a real dorky step-sister?

Oh-ho-ho, he is the king.

[LAUGHS] I got a million of them.

All right, here is the key.

Dog names work really well...

So, how're you doing, honey?

[CRYING] Oh, fine!

Why should I be fine, Frank?

I bet her first word's gonna be "Dudesie."

It's much more serious than that, Frank, I was reading this book.

There's a chapter that tells about what's happening, it's called

"The maternal hate syndrome."

They have over 50 documented cases

where babies naturally hate their mothers.

Carol, Lilly is a normal, beautiful little girl who loves you.

She's not gonna hate you till she's a teenager.

-[CAROL SHOUTS] No! -[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

And she's coming.

Hey, guys. Thought you might want to say night-night to little muffin

before we head down to the couch.

Oh, honey, just hold her for a moment, okay?

[LAUGHS] Okay, sure,

-[CODY LAUGHING] -CAROL: Now, don't cry, okay, Lilly.

-CAROL: Please. Oh! -[LILLY CRYING]

[CRYING] Lilly!

Please stop crying!

-CAROL: [ANGRILY] What? -CODY: Uh...

You know, I'm not Dr. Obi-G-Y-N Kenobi, dude, you know.

-CAROL: [SHOUTS] Tense? -CODY: Yeah, just a little.

[CODY LAUGHS]

maybe babies can tell how uptight you are.

And, dude, you gotta find a way to relax around Lilly.

Oh, Cody, how can I relax? She's been crying,

I haven't slept for a week.

Yeah, I hear you.

You just got to find a way to work past all that, you know, like...

Hey, no matter how much her crying just drives you crazy,

gnawing on your nerves and everything.

You gotta just pretend you like it.

Kind of like a Joey Lawrence concert. [LAUGHS]

I'll try anything.

-CODY: Okay. -CAROL: What do I do?

Okay, first thing, like, just sit down, relax.

-It's a nice chair over here. -Okay.

-CODY: Okay, cool. -CAROL: Okay.

-Now, take a deep breath. -Yeah.

-[INHALES DEEPLY] -[CODY INHALES DEEPLY]

-And just get mellow. -Okay.

-Mellow. -Mellow.

[CAROL CONTINUES INHALING DEEPLY]

Okay, Lilly.

All right.

-CAROL: Yes, yes. -[LILLY STOPS CRYING]

See?

Your mommy will be here all night here, yes.

CAROL: [WHISPERS] Yeah.

CODY: [WHISPERS] You got it.

-CAROL: [WHISPERS] It worked. -CODY: [LAUGHS] Yeah.

Thought it wouldn't?

-[MOUTHING] Thank you. -Okay.

Goodnight, Carol. Bye, Lilly. [LAUGHS]

You guys. [WHISPERS] Night-night, Uncle Frank.

[CODY LAUGHS]

-Honey. -Mm-hmm.

-FRANK: [WHISPERS] You did it. -CAROL: Mm-hmm.

She's quiet. Oh!

Oh, Carol, I'm so proud of you.

CAROL: Mm.

In fact, I'd like to give you a little reward.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, there, Lilly.

Now, you seem like an honest kind of chick, huh? [LAUGHS]

You mind if I ask you a couple of questions?

[COOS]

Is it just me

[MUMBLING]

Totally. Yeah.

That Screech dude is starting to get on my nerves too.

Okay, number two, now.

What is with that President Clinton's

funky running shorts, huh? [LAUGHS]

I mean, his shorts are like that big

and his but's only about that big up till here.

[GIGGLES]

[LAUGHS] Totally.

Yeah. Oh, man, I tell ya' what,

we got one mind or what? [LAUGHS]

[MUMBLES]