Original subtitles

J.T., dude, you gotta help me out, man.

-I got a major problem. -Sure, man. What is it?

[SIGHS] I'm dead.

You mean, you're in trouble?

No. I mean, I'm dead.

Deceased. Pushin' up the daisies.

That sweet chariot is swingin' low

and coming forward to carry me home.

Cody, what are you talking about?

This. Check it out.

The newspaper ran my obituary this morning.

I wasn't even cold yet.

"Cody Lambert of Port Washington, Wisconsin

"died yesterday of natural causes."

You see?

[SNIFFLES] I'm on the voyage to that final frontier

from which the Enterprise never returned.

[SOBS] Oh, God!

Cody, you're not dead. Think about it.

If you're dead, then how come we could see you?

That's right.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Maybe I'm a ghost.

Cool!

Dude, I always wanted to walk through a wall.

[CHUCKLES] All right.

Dude, maybe St. Peter didn't get my paperwork yet.

[LAUGHS]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[PEOPLE SHOUTING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ The second time around ♪

[ALL CLAMORING]

Yeah, hey, uh, this is Frank Lambert

over at Lambert Constructions.

-Dad, please. -Yeah, Al, would you just

wait a minute, please? Thank you.

-Have my roofing tiles come in yet? -Mom,

-my waffles are cold. -All right, just a minute, Mark.

Karen, how's this? Karen, Karen, Karen, how's this?

Give me a minute, would you, please?

-Mom, you missed a spot. -Dad!

-Mom, waffles? -Just a minute, Mark.

But, Mom, they're cold.

[SIGHS] Give me that.

[SIZZLES]

There. Now, they're hot.

All right.

FRANK: Now I'm sorry, pal.

Yeah, but that's just not gonna cut it, okay?

-Dad, permission slip. -Yeah, okay. Hang on.

Yeah, but well, when are they coming in anyway?

Huh?

Permission slip.

Well, listen here, that's not gonna work

'cause I'm putting the roof on today.

Listen, I ordered those tiles

-six weeks ago. -Permission slip.

And you promised me that they'd be in...

Yeah, yeah, [STAMMERS] hold on a minute, hold on.

Who are you?

I'm Brendan's friend.

Can I go to the museum too?

Sure. Why not?

-Okay, listen, you call me as soon a they come in... -Thanks.

...would you? No problem, pal.

-Come on. Let's go. -Okay, kids, come on.

-Everybody, in the car. -Shotgun.

ALL: No, I get it.

Carol, come home for dinner. I'll see you at 6:00.

-I can't. I have PTA tomorrow. -DANA: Don't push me.

-J.T.: Al pushed you. -Brendan's got, uh, Cub Scouts.

-Maybe on the weekend, huh? -Oh, I'll get back to you.

Yeah, you'll get back to me.

J.T.: Come on, Dad. We're late.

[SIGHS] Oh.

[SIGHS WEARILY]

You'll get back to me?

Frank, Frank, this is crazy.

I mean, we have not spent

five minutes alone together in the last month.

I know.

And it's gonna stop tonight.

You're gonna call and cancel your PTA.

-Oh, I... -And I'm gonna make us a reservation

at Chez Paris restaurant, okay?

We'll have a nice quiet dinner

go to a movie, we'll park by the lake

and I can help you work off

some of those post-pregnancy bounce. [CHUCKLES]

Well, if I have to workout

I guess I might as well work out on you.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[PLAYING GUITAR]

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got to woke up yesterday morning feeling pretty good

♪ Then the Big Kahuna called me home

♪ Now I'm just looking for those Pearly Gates blues ♪

Hey, Cody. How's it going?

How do you think it's going? I'm dead.

[SNORTS]

Man, frankly, this whole thing's

starting to bunch my shorts.

Cody, for the 100th time, you're not dead.

Oh, yes, I am, bro.

Dude, now I even got documentation

to prove it, okay?

This morning I went to my bank machine to get out some cash,

you know, for my cemetery plot, my shroud,

other sundry items I might need in the afterlife.

Check this out. I put my card

in the machine. Guess what it said.

You have lost your mind.

No, no, that's not it.

It said, "Account closed. Card holder deceased."

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's doorknob.

Penniless to boot.

Phew. Man, that gives me the blues.

[PLAYING GUITAR]

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the just-bought TIME magazine for five years

♪ Now I'm not gonna get to read it so I got ripped off

♪ Even though they sent me my free football phone blues ♪

Uh, thank you, girls,

for taking care of Lilly tonight.

No problem. It'll be cool.

Okay, uh, Frank and I are bringing the cellular phones

so you can reach us at any time.

And here are the numbers for the pediatrician,

the restaurant, the Poison Control Center,

and the medevac helicopter

in case you have to airlift the baby to Chicago.

Mom, with all due respect

to your mothering abilities

taking care of a baby is not that complicated.

You know, I mean, they eat, they sleep, they poop.

Kind of like J.T.

Well, I know it all seems very simple

but taking care of a baby

is a lot harder than you think.

Believe me, we can handle

a night with the baby.

Okay, honey. Come on. Let's hurry up.

We only have three and a half hours to be alone. Let's move.

Okay, all right, all right. Bye, girls.

Bye, Lilly. Goodbye, you.

FRANK: Bye-bye, Lilly. Bye, Lilly. Come on.

-Come on, let's go. Here we go. -Bye-bye, Lilly.

-Bye-bye. -Okay, here we go. Bye, girls.

Okay. Oh, and remember, there are extra diapers in the closet

-and make sure you put her down by 7:00. -Oh, look at that,

Three hours and 26 minutes now.

-Bye. Call me. -Bye. Okay. Bye.

-Bye, Lilly. -Call. No, we'll call you.

[SNIFFING]

[SNIFFING]

What's that smell?

Well...

I would say that

the baby just dropped a diaper potato.

Gross.

Karen, relax.

This is no big deal.

One of us just takes the baby upstairs

and changes the diaper.

Go ahead, Al.

Me? Why do I have to do it?

'Cause you're the youngest

and majority rules.

All in favor of Al changing the baby, say aye.

BOTH: Aye.

Man, what a rip.

[LILLY FUSSING]

Oh, my God, it's green!

-[IN A FRENCH ACCENT] Madame. -Oh, thank you.

-Monsieur. -Yeah.

How are you this evening?

Well, we don't have seven little brats

hanging on us. We're doing great. [CHUCKLES]

Bon.Pierre wants everything to be absolument parfait.

Especially for madame.

Ooh. Viva la France. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, Pierre, how come it's so quiet in here tonight?

Ah, we have a, um, little problem.

The help, uh, just went on strike.

But do not worry.

Pierre will make this evening tres bon.

Well...

[MIMICKING FRENCH]

Frank, I didn't know you spoke French.

Well...

I want this evening to be tres bon.

-Oh, how romantic. -[LAUGHS]

Can, uh, we help you with something?

Yeah, you folks plan on eating here tonight?

Well, uh, yeah.

Well, we're striking this establishment

for unfair business practices.

We would appreciate it if you would take

your restaurant dollars elsewhere.

Well, Mister...

Soupy.

Mr. Soupy, I'm real sorry about the strike

but Pierre is a very nice man.

Yeah, so come on. Give us a break here, can't you?

I mean, I haven't been alone with my wife in months.

[CHUCKLES] We, we have seven kids, huh?

Yeah, well, we got kids too.

And you strike breakers are taking the food

right out of their mouths.

Hey, kids, come over here and look at the people

that are starving you to death.

Go ahead, take a look at these faces and then try and eat.

-Come on, Frank. Let's get out of here. -Yeah, all right.

Give me those.

Go on, get back on the picking line.

KAREN: And then Prince Charming who had

gorgeous eyes like that

tasty Val Kilmer in Batman Forever... [GIGGLES]

...kissed Sleeping Beauty.

Who had dark, raven hair like me. [GIGGLES]

And Prince Charming

whisked Sleeping Beauty away to his castle

where they drove matching Beemers

and lived happily ever after.

[GIGGLES]

The end.

[SIGHS]

Well, Lilly, as entertaining

as that inane drivel may have been,

that is not the way it happened.

Sleeping Beauty was not some hopeless,

bubble-headed female.

[GURGLING]

DANA: No, no.

She was an intelligent, capable woman

who chose to sleep alone

rather than marry some macho creep.

Prince Charming, therefore,

did not set her free

but rather condemned her to a life of marital enslavement

which male-dominated society has perpetrated

since the beginning of time.

Where do you get this slop?

Feminist Fairy Tales.

It's a very important book.

What's the difference? The baby's asleep. Let's go.

Wow. Getting her to sleep was pretty easy.

Of course, like I told Mom,

any boob can take care of a baby.

[LILLY CRYING]

Oh, nice going, boob.

Relax, we're gonna read her another story

and she'll go right back to sleep.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

[LOCK CLICKS]

[DOOR RATTLING]

Oh, my God. We locked the baby in the bedroom.

All right, I see her.

She's okay. She's chewing on her foot.

All right, this should do it.

All right, give me a hammer.

-No, Dana, come on... -Just give me the hammer.

-Dana, I'm telling you... -Just give me it.

We've got to get the door open

before Mom gets home.

Okay, fine. You're crazy.

[EXHALES] All right, I'm just gonna...

I have to try and loosen it up.

Oh, nice going, Bob Vila.

Okay, okay.

I called the fire department.

They're on their way.

Fire department? Karen!

We do not need men to help us.

We are three strong women.

We're capable of handling this ourselves.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Hello? -CAROL: Hi, honey.

Oh, Mom, I'm so glad you called.

We have got a huge problem.

Give me it!

You speak, you die.

Hi, Mom.

Dana, what's going on? What's the huge problem?

Oh, you know Karen.

Zits.

So how's dinner?

Oh, well, we had a little trouble at the restaurant

so we're going to an early movie.

How's the baby?

-She's fine. -[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS] That must be the firemen.

Firemen? Dana, what's going on?

We're watching Backdraft.

You know the... you know the... The movie

with all the firemen running around?

Yeah, that William Baldwin is such a hottie, huh?

Um, Mom, I gotta go.

All right, well, call me if you need me.

-Uh, will do. -Bye.

Bye.

It's right over here. [GIGGLES]

[DANA SCOFFS]

Oh, joy.

Here come the big strong firemen to save the day.

What're you gonna do? Break down the door with your ax?

Nope. Got a screwdriver?

Mmm.

Let me save you some time.

I tried that. It does not work.

[SCOFFS] Well, sure, after I loosened it up for 'em.

Excuse us.

Excuse us.

Oh, this is some romantic dinner.

We've got two and a half hours left on our date.

Let's just relax and enjoy the movie.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[COUGHS LOUDLY]

[CONTINUES COUGHING]

Frank, would you tell him to be quiet?

Well, honey, he's coughing up a lung.

I don't think he's doing it on purpose.

[COUGHS VIOLENTLY]

MAN: [ON SCREEN] We better head home. Looks like rain.

-What'd he say? -Something about a train.

A train? Nobody rides a train anymore.

WOMAN 1: Cousin Edna does. She's afraid of flying.

Isn't that Meg Ryan?

I love her.

Uh, she was in that movie.

WOMAN 1: Mmm-hmm, When Harry Met Sally.

-[COUGHS] -WOMAN 2: No, the other one.

When A Man Loves A Woman?

-[COUGHING CONTINUES] -No, no.

The one with, what's his name?

That Forrest Gumpguy?

WOMAN 1: Oh, yeah. What's the name of that movie?

It's Sleepless in Seattle!

[ALL SHUSHING]

They started it.

-Is this yours? -No.

You sure?

See, this is nice.

We're all alone on a lake

on a beautiful night, hmm?

Yeah, this is better than a movie.

And the following preview has been approved

for adult audiences only.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Frank! Wild animal.

You ain't seen nothing yet, honey.

No, no, no, no, Frank, outside.

Love al fresco, okey-dokey.

-[GROWLS] -Ah, geez!

-Honey, that's a bear. -Duh!

-Ahhh! -Well, do something.

-[STUTTERS] What? -Well, scare it off!

Shoo, bear!

Shoo, go, bear. Go, bear, shoo! No!

-Oh, no. -Not on my truck!

I just waxed my truck. Geez.

Oh, boy, this is perfect.

Now the whole evening is ruined.

First, the Incredible Hulk tells me I can't eat in my favorite restaurant.

Then Dr. Hawking Phlegm blows lung butter all over my hot dog

and now I got a bear using my truck for an outhouse.

Get out of here! God, geez!

[LAUGHING]

What are you laughing at?

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

Well, yak it up, honey,

'cause I hope you realize

the next chance you and I have to be alone

is about the turn of the century.

Oh, Frank, I know we're really desperate to be alone

but sometimes things just don't work out like you planned.

[GRUNTS]

What are we gonna do? There's a bear on our hood.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

-Are you still hungry? -Yeah, I'm starving.

Well, let's see what I can do here.

Hey, Tony? Yeah, Frank Lambert here.

I'd like to order a pizza,

a number three with extra cheese.

You're gonna have to deliver it

up here to Blue Ridge Lake.

I'll be the only truck with a bear on the hood.

The point is, the reason there aren't

more female firefighters

is that men are still stereotyping us

as docile, domesticated,

subservient creatures.

More iced tea?

[CHUCKLES] Uh, no, no.

Uh, we really should get back to the station.

Mayday. Dad and Carol just pulled up.

All right, everybody, out. Out, out, out, out.

Oh, I get it, I get it.

You don't want your mom to know you screwed up

and locked the baby in the bedroom.

Move it, fire boy!

Girls.

Mom.

So is everything okay with the baby?

Wonderful.

Like I say, taking care of babies is a breeze.

Oh, well then, maybe you'd like to explain

why there is a firetruck parked out front.

I can explain the firetruck.

You don't have to.

The man driving the firetruck just did.

So is there anything that

you would like to say to me?

Hmm? Hmm? Hmm?

Come on, say the words. Say the words.

Taking care...

Of a baby is harder than I thought.

Thank you.

Goodnight, girls.

I hate it when she's right.

Who cares? I've got a date with a fireman.

[LAUGHS]

Well, there it is.

The last of my worldly possessions, huh?

[CHUCKLES] Now I'm just looking

for that stairway to Heaven.

-Thanks a lot, man. -Totally.

[LAUGHS] Phew.

"Death, be not proud."

Cody, where's that guy going with all your stuff?

Well, the way I figured,

I won't be needing it anymore.

I mean, hey, what good's a matching set

of Elvis glasses when you're dead?

Cody, great news, you're alive.

Don't toy with me, dude.

It's in the paper.

They did a follow-up article on the Cody Lambert that died.

Apparently, he was some big war hero in World War I.

World War I? How old was he?

Hundred and sixteen.

They even have a picture of him.

Give me... Well, hey, that's not me.

[LAUGHS] Wow, man.

Dude, I'm still alive!

Wow! I can sing, I can dance.

I can play my guitar!

Right...

Uh-oh.

I need my guitar back!