Original subtitles

[BLOWS HORN]

[GIGGLES]

I'm glad you're here.

Hey, see if you can guess what this sound is.

-[BLOWS HORN] -[GIGGLES]

Huh? It's a love boat

dropping an anchor in the harbor of your heart.

[GIGGLES]

Hey, I went to this killer bike ride last night, right?

I met the dude of your dreams.

DANA: Hmm.

So, in your opinion, the dude of my dreams is a biker.

Totally! [GIGGLES]

Hey, when I picture the two of you together

I see sparks flying. Huh?

-Maybe you're having a stroke. -Yeah. I wish.

[GIGGLES]

No, this is gonna be great. I can see it now.

You'll be cruising on the back of his hog

the wind flowing through your hair

his name tattooed across your butt, just styling.

Ha! Huh?

Cody, as much as I love

to see myself on the back of somebody's hog,

I don't think so.

Whoa.

Color me disappointed, huh?

[CHUCKLES] Man!

And I thought you'd jump at the chance

to have a date with Brad Pitt. [SCOFFS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Brad Pitt?

[BIKE ENGINE RUMBLING]

Cody, wait!

Cody, wait!

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

So, Rich, what do you wanna do tonight?

Uh, watch a little tube?

Ah. Too boring.

-Uh, bowling? -It's too tiring.

Ugh, man!

Must be something a couple of studs like us

can do tonight.

I got it, man.

French kiss.

I'm outta here.

Not us, you moron.

I figure, we could go scrounge up a couple of babes

and go see that movie, French Kissat the drive-in.

We'll be French kissing at the drive-in.

Yeah. When the girls see Kevin Kline's movie star face

they'll get totally hot.

-Ah! -Uh, uh, uh.

Couple of love machines

named J.T. Lambert and Rich Halke!

-Yeah! -[BOTH GRUNTING]

-They'll love us! Yes! -Yes!

Okay, guys.

The moment we've all been waiting for.

The new Victoria's Secret online catalog.

[KEY CLACKING]

Whoa!

Yes!

Gentlemen,

welcome to the spring collection.

-Hi, boys. -Oh...

So, as you can see, the high-resolution screen

gives you more pixels per inch.

in cyber space than the Wonderbra.

Man, how do they always know when we're having fun?

It's a mom thing, 'cause they got, like

radar in their female parts.

Yeah, moms are a real drag.

Tell me about it.

Geez, even the kids on Full House

get to stay out later than that.

Come on!

Oh, you think that's bad?

In fact, last week, when I was trying on pants

you know what she yelled out so the whole store could here?

"Sweetie, make sure there's plenty of room in the crotch."

-It's the worst! -Oh, it gross.

Mmm. Hey, wait, I got an idea.

Let's go see that new horror movie tonight.

-You know, Blood Fest 4? -Oh, yeah.

I heard they got real footage of a guy's head exploding

and everybody eats his brain.

-Awesome! -Yeah.

-Uh, Mom? -Yeah.

Oh, great. What're you gonna see?

Blood Fest 4.

Blood Fest 4?

Is that the one where the guy's head explodes

and they eat his brain?

I don't think so.

Why? There's no sex in it.

Well, excuse me, but I just happen to think

that cannibalism is sick.

Earth to Mom, it's a movie.

Hello.

Goodbye.

Man, she shot you down.

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, like your mom's gonna let you go.

His mom wouldn't even let him see Little Mermaid

'cause Ariel had too much cleavage.

[BOTH SNICKERING]

Hey, man, speaking of cleavage,

your mom's kind of a babe.

Oh, shut up!

So, honey, that's why Second and Ten is a passing down.

Tomorrow's walk, we're gonna talk about the nickel defense.

-Hi, honey. -Frank.

Do you still happen to have that tool belt in your truck?

Sure, I do. Why?

I want you to staple Mark's mouth shut.

He used to be so polite.

All he says to me now is,

"Duh! Earth to mom. Hello."

He treats me like I'm some kind of idiot.

Oh, Carol, he is 14 years old, and you're his mother.

To him you're an idiot.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that Mark is at an age

when he wants to break away from his mother.

It's all part of nature's plan, honey.

Now, take wolves.

When a young male wolf cub reaches puberty

he wants to leave the den.

Wants to make it on his own, run with the big wolves

pee on things.

Oh, well, I hate this teenage boy stuff.

You know, the other day, I took Mark shopping for pants

I ask him one little, innocent question

he practically bit my head off.

Oh, no, honey, you didn't ask him

if there was room in the crotch, did you?

Well, it's important.

[SCOFFS] Take some advice from me, okay?

For the rest of Mark's life don't mention his crotch.

I'm serious. He said he could get me a date with Brad Pitt.

I don't know how he knows him, it's Cody.

I mean, a couple of months ago

he was playing foosball with Nelson Mandela.

He... He knows people.

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

Hey-hey. And I'm on to let you too, dude.

-Cody! -Hey-hey.

-Hello. -Hey.

Um, ahem, I was wondering

if we could talk a little bit more

about that guy that you said

you wanted to set me up with.

Oh. You mean Brad Pitt?

[GIGGLES]

All right.

about the guy from the movie Legends of the Fall?

[GASPS] Dude, do you know him?

Cody, Brad Pitt is

only the sexiest man in America.

Oh, [LAUGHS] I'm not really into guys, you know?

But, he does have a certain je ne sais quoi, huh?

So, you, you really think

that you could get me a date with Brad Pitt?

Totally! Hey, the Pittmeister would be totally stoked, man.

Hey, when I showed him your picture

he'd die with a smile on his face.

[CHUCKLES]

Whoa.

Who am I to disappoint Brad Pitt?

[GIGGLES] That's what I said.

[SCREAMING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[FRENCH ACCENT] Hey, J.T., you ready for a little French Kiss?

Yeah. What're you doing here?

I thought we were gonna, you know

I am here to pick up my date.

Hi, Rich. I'll be right down.

Uh, you think you're taking

my little sister to the drive-in?

Yeah. Man, I hadn't seen her in a while.

She is so choice.

-She's choice, huh? -Yeah, man.

-She's choice? -Yeah.

-You're dead! -[SCREAMING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Get off me! Get off me.

[SCREAMS]

What is your problem?

My problem is you're trying

Hey, it's not my fault! She picked me up at the mall!

And another thing,

she's got one hot little bod.

-Oh, man, you are dead, man. -What?

-What? -You are dead...

Stop! Just stop it! What're you doing?

What?

Yeah, that's because he is.

Oh-ho, really?

Well, then, uh, I'm gonna talk to you

in the kitchen, miss.

Excuse me, big brother's calling.

Al, you are not going to the drive-in with this guy.

[SCOFFS] Yeah? Says who?

Says me.

Do you know what goes on in a drive-in?

It's just an excuse for a guy to make out with a girl.

I know. That's why I wanna go.

Oh, man, you are sick.

The guy is way too old for you, anyways.

[SCOFFS] He's 18, I'm 16.

What is the big deal?

What's the big deal, huh? What's the big...

The big deal is that the guy is a pervert.

That's the big deal.

He is not.

Al, all guys are perverts.

with disgusting, sleazy thoughts.

If you looked inside my head right now

do you know what you'd find?

A big empty hole?

Yes!

A hole waiting to be filled

with disgusting, sleazy thoughts.

Why do you think I'm going to the drive-in?

Wait a minute, so, it's okay

for you to go to the drive-in and make out with someone

but it's not okay for me?

Yes. Now, you're getting it.

Good, good, look,

I'm gonna go in there and tell Rich

he's gonna have to find another girl, okay?

-Good. -No. No. It's not okay.

J.T., I'm going to the drive-in whether you like it or not.

I am not done with you yet, young lady.

Young lady? Young lady!

Man, this is pathetic.

We're stuck hanging out in your garage

Yeah, it's... It's like they get some sort of kick

out of making us miserable.

Hey, guys.

I found something in my dad's desk

that's gonna turn this into a real party.

Hey, is it that Snap-on tools calendar?

-Hey, come on. -No, better.

Cigars?

Awesome!

Yeah, my dad smokes them with his friends all the time.

He looks really cool.

Hey, I don't know about this.

I mean, um, our moms will be pretty upset

if they knew we were smoking cigars.

Yeah, you're right. Let's do it!

Yeah!

This is so cool.

[ALL COUGHING]

I think I'm getting hair on my back already.

Hey, honey, you want a brownie?

No. No, no, no.

No chocolates for me. Uh-uh.

Well, I think you look wonderful.

But, if you feel you need to lose a few pounds

then I'll support you.

I know how hard it must be for you to give up brownies

'cause they're your favorite. [CHUCKLES]

I'm proud of you.

[MUMBLING]

You are pathetic.

-[GROANING] -Hey, Mark, how is it going?

I feel so sick.

Mark, what's wrong with you?

I'll tell you all about it.

But first, I gotta go upstairs and call Ralph

on the big white phone.

Did he smell like cigar smoke?

Yep, looks like wolf boy locked himself on to a stogy.

Well, that does it, I'm gonna go

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Honey, honey.

I think maybe this is something that I should handle.

Because Mark and I have a lot in common.

Like what?

[WATER GURGLING]

Oh, Dad, you should've seen it.

Mark just barfed 13 times in less than a minute.

I'm gonna go tell Cody.

[MARK GROANING]

How you doing, Mark?

Not so good.

I think I just saw something I ate last year.

Smoked a cigar tonight, didn't you?

Yeah, the whole nasty thing.

And why did you do that, Mark?

I don't know.

I was with the guys, and our moms

never let us do anything.

I guess we thought it'd be kind of cool.

Pretty stupid, huh?

No, not really.

It's all a part of natures and wild.

Take wolves...

The young wolf cub wants to break out on his own

but mama wolf wants to carry him around in her mouth

then the wolf pack--

-Frank? -Huh?

I'm kinda dizzy.

Is there a point to all this?

Oh, yeah, but the point is

that I know you're at an age when you wanna

prove yourself to be a man.

But, Mark, there's gotta be a better way to go about it

than smoking' cigars and being sick all night.

Man, I hope so.

Tell you what, next week, why don't I take you

and your buddies up to the mountains, camping?

We'll do a bunch of guy stuff.

Really? Like what?

How'd you like to write your name in the snow?

You mean, you'll let us do that?

Yeah, initials first, but we'll work our way up.

Thanks for asking me out, J.T.

I love French Kiss.

I've seen it 12 times.

[ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING OVER DRIVE-THRU SPEAKERS]

Yeah, it's great.

Um, J.T., I don't want you to

um, take this the wrong way

but would you mind if I called you Kevin, tonight?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

-Is something wrong? -Uh, yeah.

Uh, it's chapped lips.

I'll be right back.

So, uh, how do you like the movie?

Oh, it's, um, really romantic.

♪ Every moment of the year ♪

J.T.: Hey!

You guys okay for snacks in here?

-We're fine. -No, really.

They're really cool. You gotta have one.

J.T., if you don't get out of here

I'm gonna dip your pretzel in salt.

All right, all right, I can take a hint.

Geez, Louise, I'm gone.

God. I'm gone. Bye.

-Sorry. -[SIGHS]

So, where were we?

about how romantic the movie was.

Hey, Rich! Caught you, buddy.

Can I get you some nachos, huh?

Excuse me, I think I need

to have a little talk with nacho boy.

-Come here! -Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Hey!

-Cut it out. -No, J.T., you cut it out.

You know, I was just about to kiss that guy.

Well, then I'm glad I got here when I did.

You know, I have a newsflash for you.

I'm not your little sister anymore.

Gidget's got hooters.

Look, Al, I know you're growing up

but it's, it's just hard for me.

I mean, when I think of you

I see this little girl,

pigtails and roller skates

and she's still asking me to put Flintstone Band-Aids

on her knee.

J.T., you know--

I know you're just trying to lookout for me.

You're a really good big brother.

But, I'm old enough to make my own decisions.

Well, okay, Al, I'll tell you what.

Uh, I'll deal with the fact

that you're old enough to make out with a guy

as long as you do three things.

Don't tell me about it.

Don't do it in front of me.

And please, try not to enjoy it too much.

I'll do my best.

All right then, I guess we better get back to our dates, huh?

I don't think they miss us.

It's quite a fetching fragrance

you're wearing there, Ms. Dana Burger.

It's called "Seduction."

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, there he is.

The sexiest man in America, huh?

[GIGGLES]

All right there, Ms. Dana Burger

prepare to meet your dreamboat.

-Hey there. -Hey, what's happening, dude?

-All right. -Cool, huh?

[CODY GIGGLES]

Dana Burger, meet Brad Pit.

You, uh, might wanna move over to your left a little bit

you know, so he can see you with his good eye, you know?

[CHUCKLES]

-Ah! -Cody?

You said you knew Brad Pitt

from Legends of the Fall!

Oh, yeah, that's him.

Uh, he played dead body number three.

I bet you're confusing me with that wimpy little fellow

who was in People Magazine.

See, he spells Pitt with two Ts.

Mine's just P-I-T.

You know, like peach pit or armpit.

Well, I know you two lovebirds

are just aching to get out on the town.

[CHUCKLES]

Have fun.

So, uh...

How's about you and me heading' to the drive-in

and seeing' French Kiss?

[SCREAMING]

Man, she's so excited.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Man, this is working out better than I thought.

[LAUGHS]