Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, well, you see, the thing is, I think that I'm going into labor.

Are you sure that you can't find Frank anywhere on the construction site?

[SIGHING] Well, he got a new fishing magazine. Have you checked the Porta-potty?

Thanks. [BREATHING HEAVILY]

Well, if you find him, please tell him to call home immediately. Okay?

Thanks. [SIGHING IN EXHAUSTION]

-Hey, Carol. -Oh, Cody, Cody, I need your help.

I can't find Frank and I think I'm having the baby.

Oh, the baby? The baby?

Now? Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-Whoa! Dude, dude. -What's going on?

Dude! Dude! Baby! Baby! Oh, my God!

[PANTING HEAVILY]

Mayday! Mayday! Baby alert! Whoa!

Cody, what's going on? Is Mom going into labor?

Yeah, buddy. Hey, I'll boil the water. You go fetch a midwife.

Cody, Cody, calm down, this isn't, "Little House on the Prairie."

We'll just... We'll get her in the car and we'll get her to the hospital.

The hospital. Yeah, good idea.

They're used to handling this kind of stuff. Okay.

DANA: Mom!

-Are you okay? -Yes, it wasn't labor.

It was just... gas.

Gas?

Whoa, man!

You mean this whole thing's like just one big giant gas bubble?

Dude, clear the runway, man.

When that sucker goes off, it's gonna be lethal.

Oh, man.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[CHUCKLING]

[MIMICS STAR TREK COMMUNICATOR]

[MIMICS CAPTAIN KIRK] Kirk to Enterprise.

Come in Enterprise. Scotty, I need more power...

And I need it now!

[MIMICS SCOTTY] Cap'n, I got it at warp factor eight now.

If I give her any more, she'll blow! [MIMICS ROBOTIC SOUND]

Yes, okay.

-Hey, cool phone. Can I use it? -Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Son, this is not a toy.

Yeah, right, Captain Kirk.

JT, this phone has one purpose only.

It's so if Carol goes into labor,

she can reach me wherever I am.

Well, can't they just put a phone in the Porta-potty for you?

Probably not. It took me three months just to get a reading light in there.

-Hey, Dad. -Yeah.

-I have got great news. -What?

-Okay, my friend, Kelly-- -Yeah?

Is going to Disneyland this summer and her parents said I could go too,

if I could come up with 500 bucks for the airfare.

-Oh, that is good news. -Yeah.

-So anyway, I need a favor. -No, you can't have $500.

Why not?

Don't you love me?

Not 500 dollars worth.

He doesn't even love me enough to let me use the flip-phone.

Al, if you need money, why don't you go get a job?

I tried. There aren't any.

Well, how about... I don't know... babysitting?

[SCOFFS] Oh, great, Dad.

Three bucks an hour, I should make it to Disneyland by the time I'm 80.

I'll go on the Teacups, my teeth will fly out.

Listen, Al, if you want money,

you're gonna have to earn it the hard way just like the rest of us.

There's no such thing as easy money.

-One last pitch. -Oh...

Huh? How about... an advance on my inheritance?

Oh, that's funny. Inheritance?

Al, I'm a construction worker. I've got six kids and one in the oven.

We're watering-down ketchup as it is.

Inheritance! That's so cute.

Man, he is so cheap.

[SIGHS] Forget about him, Al.

I got a plan.

And it's gonna make us a ton of money.

Really? How?

Babysitting.

Attention, moron, you cannot make money babysitting.

Not if you babysit one kid...

But what if you go for volume?

Okay, ten kids, at three bucks an hour, times four hours.

That's... a whole lot of money.

Yeah, well, how am I supposed to babysit for ten kids?

Easy. We'll do it together and split the money.

How hard can it be to handle a bunch of kids?

AL: It could work. J.T: Of course it'll work.

Okay, Dad and Carol aren't going to be home this Friday. We'll do it. What do you say?

I say, "I'm going to Disneyland."

Yeah, buddy.

Karen, we've been shopping for three hours.

Haven't you found a prom dress that you like yet?

KAREN: Mom, are you in a hurry or something?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just eight months pregnant,

been on my feet since seven a.m.,

but, uh, you take your time, honey.

I'll let you know if my water breaks.

How are we doing over here?

Well, all of these are rejects.

Well, it takes some time to find the perfect prom dress.

Yeah, well, it took less time to build The Great Wall of China.

What do you think?

Wow, that's sexy.

[SALESWOMAN CHUCKLES] CAROL: We may need a jacket.

I don't know...

It's a good first impression dress.

I can definitely hear the "wows."

But, I don't know if it has any staying power.

I mean, what's this dress going to look like at midnight?

Well, if you don't make up your mind soon, we may find out.

Mother, this prom means a lot to me.

My date is a very special guy.

I really think I could end up marrying him.

Marrying him?

I've never even heard you talk about him. What's his name?

-Brad. -Brad what?

[SCOFFS] I don't know. I just met him yesterday.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, yes. Her baby hotline!

Honey, it's me. Hi, yeah...

J.T?

J.T, I told you never to call me on this phone.

[STAMMERS] I'm sorry, son, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was an emergency. What is it?

No, I do not know where the TV remote is.

JT...

Listen to me very carefully.

If you call me again, I'll have you killed.

Love 'ya.

-Hey, Uncle Frank. Hey... -Hey, Code.

-I got that molding you wanted. -Aw, thanks, thanks.

Yeah. Hey, dude.

I sent a couple guys down on a lumber run, you know, and I told them that

since they'd be cruising right by the hardware store, to pick up that PVC pipe we needed.

Hey, Mr. Lambert, you were right.

The, uh, first floor bathroom was right where you said it was.

It was on the first floor.

I've been in construction a lot-of years, Dave.

Cool.

[WHISTLES] Whoa.

Yeah. Anyway, Cody, listen, you've been doing such a great job for me,

that I've decided to, uh, make you my foreman.

Foreman?

Dude, you messing with my head?

No, no. I mean it. It will really help me out, okay.

I mean, when the baby comes, I'm gonna want to spend more time at home.

And that way, you can cover for me.

Whoa, raging, huh?

The Code-man as the Fore-man.

Yeah, dude. Yeah,, buddy.

Yeah, the lead dog, the head honcho, el burrito supreme-o.

Listen, one of your first jobs as foreman is

to uh, go over there and tell the new guy, Dave, to speed up his work a little bit. Okay?

And also tell him to put those nails a little closer together on the casing, huh?

Wow, man, uh, you mean, I got to tell people what to do, Uncle Frank?

Doesn't that seem kind of bossy?

Cody, you're the foreman. That means you're the boss.

Yeah, I know. But, I always thought it kind of just meant

you got to drive the big truck.

Yeah... [MIMICS ENGINE REVVING]

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

[LAUGHS AND GROANS NERVOUSLY]

[CODY EXHALES]

-Hey, dude. Hey. -Hey.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Dave, dude. I'm Cody.

The new foreman.

-Hey, congratulations. -Hey, thanks, man.

Hey, listen. I just wanted to tell you, you know,

you're doing a totally awesome job over here, you know.

Oh, thanks.

But if there is any way you can, kind of like, speed it up a little bit

and, like, put those nails just a little bit closer together,

so like, the door casing doesn't fall off the wall.

You know, uh, that'd be totally cool.

-It's easier this way. -Uh, that's cool, too.

[SIGHING]

Man, I don't know if I can keep coming down on guys like this, you know.

Hey, the kids are going to be here any minute.

Any chance you can get off your fat butt and help me?

Al, what's there to do? We just stick 'em in front of the TV,

stuff 'em full of candy, and four hours later, we're rich.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

All right. Bring on the bucks.

KID 1: Stop it! KID 2: Just stop!

MRS. WEBER: Stop it! Kids, stop it! KIDS: Stop! Stop!

-Stop it. Stop it! -CLAIRE AND JOHN: Stop! Stop! Stop!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hello, JT.

-Hi, Mrs. Weber. -[MRS. WEBER SIGHS]

And look at this, it's the lovely Weber children.

Yeah, whatever.

[SIGHING IN EXHAUSTION]

I'll pick 'em up at ten.

Hi...

-Hi, kids. -You're ugly.

Well, aren't you just a precious little thing, huh?

Hey, I'm Al. I'll be sitting with JT.

Hello, hot lips!

-Hey. -Where have you been all my life?

Excuse me?

I think you and me could make beautiful music together.

I think you need some ice down your pants.

Whatever turns you on, babe.

Okay, kids, who wants candy?

-I do, I do. -I want candy.

Okay, follow me.

I'm He-Man.

You better cut that out or you'll be " She" Man.

Finally. We're alone.

Why don't you uh, pour us a drink

and we'll get to uh, know each other.

Listen here, you little pervert...

I'm in high school and you're still wearing cartoon underpants.

So can the hoochie-coochie talk or I'll take you to the vet and have you fixed.

Ooh, you are a feisty one.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Sit down!

Is this JT's Babysitting Service?

Yeah.

[WHISTLES]

Okay, kids, this is the place.

Everybody out of the bus.

[CHILDREN SCREAMING] Bus?

Church kids. Very well behaved.

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

I wouldn't give them any more sugar.

Here's their names, phone numbers. Good luck.

Where are you going?

I've been with these kids since dawn. I need a drink.

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

This is not good.

Okay. I love you. Bye.

All right there, Lambert.

No personal phone calls during working hours. You know that.

[LAUGHS] Too tough?

No, Cody. As a matter of fact, sometimes you've got to be tough to get the job done.

[WINDOW PANEL CRASHING]

As a matter of fact, Cody, I think you're gonna have to be tougher with the new guy.

He hasn't done a thing right all day.

Yeah. So what do you want me to do?

Like, uh, go over there and, like, give him a real disapproving sigh?

[SIGHING DISAPPROVAL]

No, I want you to go over there and fire him.

Fire him?

Oh, dude. I don't know if I can do that.

Okay, listen, how about if I give him a sigh and a really gnarly scowl.

[SIGHING AND SCOWLING]

Cody! We have a schedule to keep here.

We can't afford to correct his mistakes all the time.

Now I want you to get tough, go over there, and fire him.

All right. Heavy is the butt that wears the crown, huh?

-[SIGHS DEEPLY] Hey, Dave. -Hey.

Remember me? El burrito supreme-o, huh?

-Yeah. How's it going? -Yeah. You know, funny you should mention "going."

[INHALES SHARPLY] Yeah.

You know how sometimes you like wake up in the morning

and you just don't feel like going to work?

Yeah, I sure do.

All right, from now on, go with that feeling.

Wait. Are you saying I'm fired?

Yeah, but I like the way you say it a lot better.

Oh, man, I'm really sorry to hear that.

I mean, I don't want to burden you with my problems

or anything, but I've got five kids.

You know, two of them need braces, and one of them needs an operation,

and my wife just told me this morning, she's expecting twins.

Twins? Whoa, dude...

Sounds like your life's going around the bowl and down the hole.

Oh, man.

I'll tell you what, man. Why don't you just like grab a seat right here

and, uh, I'll go see if I can save your job.

-Cool. I'll take a break. -Yeah, dude.

Whoa. Whew... Man!

Well, did you fire him?

Yeah, Uncle Frank, man. I couldn't give him the old heave-ho.

Did you know his kids are sick?

Yeah. And his wife's expecting twins. Dude...

Cody, Dave isn't even married.

He just told you that sob story so he could keep his job.

[GASPS] You mean, he lied to me?

Yes, he lied to you.

Whoa!

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

You slung me the bull and now you're fired.

-You saying I'm fired again? -That's right.

But this time, I mean it.

You're fired. Hit the bricks.

Don't let the door hit 'ya where the good Lord split'ya.

Dude...

Boy, I know he deserved it, man, but that's got to be the toughest thing I ever did.

Oh, man, that feels terrible.

Well, Cody, you shouldn't. I mean, you did what needed to be done.

CODY: Really? FRANK: Yeah.

-You feel okay about it? -You bet.

-[TRUCK ENGINE STARTING] -Good.

-'Cause Dave's stealing your truck. -[TIRES SCREECHING]

-Cody! Get him! -[PANICKING] Dude...

-[CHILDREN YELLING] -AL: Get out, you brat!

Get out of the fireplace, you little creep.

BRENDAN: Help me! Help me!

-[CHILD SCREAMING] -Ow!

You're bigger than them. How did this happen?

They ganged up on me. There were hundreds of them.

[CHILD YELLS]

Oh, my God.

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

Man, am I glad to see you guys.

What is all this?

JT and I are trying to babysit for 30 kids

and things got a little out of hand.

Look. All right, guys, you've got to help us.

What do you think, Mark? Should we help them?

Well, it would be the noble thing to do.

-[BOTH LAUGHING] -TOGETHER: Nah!

Frank, your genius children have done it again.

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

[WHISTLES LOUDLY] Freeze!

[JT GASPS]

You...

and you, in the kitchen, now.

Give me that.

[FRANK GRUMBLES]

All right...

[GIGGLING]

Just let me help you here. Okay.

You just go in there with the rest of them, all right.

Okay...

Start talking.

Well, I knew how much Al wanted to go to Disneyland

so, uh, being the loving brother that I am,

I suggested we start a babysitting service.

Well, what ever gave you the idea that

you could use my house as a day care center?

We didn't think you'd find out.

You said you weren't gonna be home until midnight.

Which brings up a very interesting point.

You lied to us.

Is that the kind of father you want to be?

A liar?

Be a good time for me to shut up?

-Oh, yeah. -All right.

Look, Dad, um...

I'm real sorry about all this.

I guess...

I just really wanted to go on that vacation with my friend,

and... I got desperate.

Look, Al, I know you were in a big hurry to buy that airplane ticket,

but I told you, there is no such thing as easy money.

Yeah, I guess all the money we made tonight is gonna go towards the damages, huh?

Yeah, I'd say so.

Now, I want you two to clean this kitchen, now.

I'm gonna go phone the parents of those kids.

[AL SIGHS]

Man, now I'm never gonna get to go to California with my friend.

Not necessarily.

Al, I have got an idea

that is gonna make us a ton of money.

Check it out.

We import and distribute exotic reptiles.

You're an idiot.

No, no, no. It's gonna work. Check this out.

We'll hitchhike to Mexico, wear really baggy pants,

and we'll stuff like snakes and lizards down our pants.

What could go wrong with that?

TV REPORTER: That's it for the eleven o'clock news.

We'll be off the air until six a.m. Good night.

[AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL PLAYING]

Herbie, what do you think?

-Mom, Ethel, wake up. -[BOTH YAWNING]

-What? -[KAREN SIGHS]

I found it. The perfect prom dress.

-Oh... -What do you think?

Wow.

Oh, you look beautiful.

-[CAROL GASPS] -I'll take it.

-[BOTH SIGH] -Oh, hallelujah!

[EXCLAIMS] Now, what about shoes?