Original subtitles

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, step-babes.

Hey.

I'm glad you guys are here. Check this out, huh?

Cody, if that outfit means that you are going

on a suicide bombing mission,

I just want you to know you have my full support.

Well, thanks.

But, no, this isn't a bomb.

This is an experiment for my public speaking class.

See, I was given a speech on my favorite topic,

adult children and sideshow freaks.

[LAUGHING]

Well, the Professor dude stopped me and said

I use the word dude too much.

Dude, can you believe that?

Well, Cody, that's just the way you talk.

That's what I told the dude, you know?

He said it was like a verbal tic.

And unless I stopped using the word "Dude,"

I'd never be an effective speaker.

[SCOFFS] Dude.

Cody, this is all very fascinating

but it still doesn't explain why you're wearing that high-voltage vest.

[EXCLAIMS] Simple.

Shock therapy.

Yeah.

These batteries right here.

They're connected to two electrodes

that I super-glued to my butt.

All I need is someone to zap me with a big bolt

of electricity every time I use the word "Dude."

So, any volunteers?

Me! Me! Oh pick me.

All right.

Now, Dana-man, I know you're just trying to be a friend here,

but this is gonna be a tough job, okay?

Every time I say the word "Dude," you gotta zap me

with a big bolt of electricity no matter how much pain I'm in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. Where's the trigger?

This button over here.

Like this?

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

Right.

But only when I use the word, "Dude."

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

[GASPS]

Dude, that hurt.

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

[LAUGHING]

Cool.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[KIDS SCREAMING]

♪ The dream wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost? You wonder

♪ Will there ever be a second time around?

♪ Woah woah when the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say my lord I think I've found someone

♪ And no one would be better to be putting it together

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Damn.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

-Give me the ball! -No!

Help! I'm pregnant and I can't get up.

Oh, great. Shamu beached herself again.

Boys, the next one who does a fat joke

gets his head shaved when he's sleeping.

Now, come on. Help me up.

How're we gonna get her up?

I don't want to pop her hernia.

Wait, I've got it.

We'll just rock her back an forth like a car stuck in the snow.

Cute, Mark.

On three.

BOTH: One, two, three.

[GROANS]

[EXHALES]

Hi, boys. Raising the Titanic again, huh?

Yeah.

I need to go ice my shoulder.

I think I blew out a rotator cuff.

I'm getting a little tired

of being the butt of everyone's jokes around here.

I have to admit, honey,

your butt's a pretty big target.

Upsy-daisy. There.

-Thank you. -I know you can.

Listen, I'm just teasing you.

I think you look beautiful.

Yeah, well, I don't feel beautiful.

I feel like a big tub of lard.

Carol, you're eight months pregnant.

You're supposed to feel like a tub of lard.

Excuse me.

I meant a beautiful tub of lard, honey.

A sexy tub.

It doesn't even have to be a tub. It can...

Shut up, Frank.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I don't know.

Do you really think it's possible for Cody to stop saying "Dude?"

Dana's already zapped him about 5000 times.

If he doesn't stop soon, we're gonna have to put a light bulb

in his mouth.

You know, I'm simply trying to help the boy.

Good morning, du...

Duly appointed friends and family.

Good thinking, Cody.

You saved your butt on that one.

Dude, tell me about it.

[BEEPING]

[YELLING]

[CHUCKLING]

Guess I won't be needing that morning cup of coffee, huh?

Cody, why don't you have something to eat so you don't have to talk so much?

Here, have a blueberry muffin.

Whoa, blueberry muffin.

I love blueberry muffins. Dude.

Uh-oh.

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

[EXCLAIMS IN RELIEF]

[EXHALES]

I gotta find another word to use

when I get jazzed up about my food.

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

Hey, Barky, what are you, deaf?

He said, "food!" Not "dude!"

Hey, uh, Dana.

You know, far be it from me to be picky, bu...

Hey.

When JT uses the "D" word,

uh, do I still got to get the juice?

I'm sorry.

I just really want to help you get this monkey off your back.

You know, a lesser friend wouldn't be able to watch me

take this much pain.

It comes from love.

Yeah, right.

Cody, let's get out of here before the Bride of Satan

gets trigger-happy again.

Good idea. You lead the way, man.

I'm kind of seeing two of everything right now.

Dude.

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

Hey, Dad. I thought you left for work already.

No, I had to help Carol through an emotional crisis.

Tried to put on a pair of jeans and blew out the zipper.

Oh, you got a message.

-Pam Marshall called. -Be quiet!

I don't want Carol to hear that.

Pam is my old girlfriend.

Man, what a hound.

Carol's in the shop,

so you're taking out a loaner?

JT, what kind of man do you think I am?

Obviously a man with needs.

Son, go wash your mind out with soap.

I am not having an affair with Pam.

I'm remodeling her bedroom.

It is a professional relationship.

Then, why don't you just tell Carol?

Oh, yeah, son. That's a real good idea.

Carol's here feeling like the Goodyear Blimp

and I'm gonna tell her I'm putting in a fantasy bedroom

for my ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, better yet, why don't I just tell her

I'm just shacking up with the Laker Girls?

Except on weekends, of course,

when I'm jumping Victoria Principal.

Poor Uncle Frank, man.

He got himself in quite a bind there.

Dude...

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

Hey.

Thanks.

No. Thank you.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ You're gonna be a beautiful baby

♪ Even though your mommy's a cow

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

Coming.

[GROANING]

[GROANS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Don't give up hope. I'm coming soon.

Hi.

Hi.

Is Frank home?

No, but I'm his wife.

Maybe I could help you. I'm his wife.

You must be Carol.

Hi, I'm Pam Marshall.

Frank's doing a remodeling job for me.

Oh, how nice.

-Come on in. -Thanks.

Wow, you must be due any day now.

Well, I've actually got another month to go.

Oh. Twins?

No. Just one.

Oh. Oh.

Well, I won't take up any more of your time.

Frank's ordering my tile in the morning

and I just wanted to let him know I changed my mind on the color.

Would you mind giving him this sample for me?

Oh, sure. No problem. Thanks.

-It was nice to meet you, Carol. -Thanks.

You know, you got yourself a terrific husband.

Well, thanks. I think so, too.

I'm so glad you're not bothered by the fact

that he's working for me.

Why would I be bothered by that?

Oh, no, just because he's remodeling my bedroom

and I'm his old girlfriend.

He did mention that. Didn't he?

Uh, no. No, he didn't.

Oh, well.

I'm sure that's just because he's been so busy, you know,

tied up in my bedroom.

Not tied up

like Basic-Instincttied-up or anything like that.

I just meant, involved.

Well, anyway, thanks for taking that tile.

I'm sure you'll see that Frank gets it.

Oh, don't worry.

When Frank gets home, he'll get it.

Lie to me.

He thinks he can keep some skinny bimbo from me.

Oh, honey.

I just bowled the best game of my life.

A 256.

You no-good, lying sack of dirt.

All right. It was a 218.

I'm not talking about your stupid bowling.

I'm talking about Pam Marshall.

Did I tell you that I have a job remodeling her bedroom?

And that she's my old girlfriend?

Isn't that funny?

You are pathetic.

Oh, come on, Carol.

It's strictly a business relationship.

Oh, yeah? Then why are you hiding her from me?

Oh, right, like I'm gonna tell you I'm working with a gorgeous woman

while you're here looking like a tub of lar...

-I'm not helping myself. Am I? -Not one bit.

Well, what do you want me to do, honey?

Honey, you want me to quit?

I'm serious, if you want me to quit

then just tell me to quit and I'll quit.

-I want you to quit. -I can't do that.

I have a ton of money invested in that project.

Not to mention, time.

I've been busting my hump in that woman's bedroom.

Yeah, Carol.

Listen, that was a bad choice of words, honey.

I chose you over her!

Listen, when I married you,

I lost all interest in beautiful women.

[WHISPERING] Just shut up, Frank!

Just shut up!

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, Frank.

I thought you might be thirsty.

Well, what's the occasion?

Well...

you've been busting your hump in my bedroom, so...

I thought it called for a little celebration.

I'll drink to that.

[POPPING]

Nice distance.

And I'm a little tired.

[CHAMPAGNE TRICKLING]

Here's to you and your expert hands

in my bedroom.

[EXHALES]

Oh, I am so hot.

Are you hot?

No, I'm fine.

How about now?

[GLASS BREAKS]

Pam, what are you doing?

I want you, Frank.

I want you bad.

It's not right.

I love my wife

and I wouldn't do anything to hurt her.

[KISSING]

[KISSES]

Ah, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

No, Frank!

Don't bust your hump.

Frank!

[GASPS] I gotta get over there right now.

[GASPING]

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHIMES]

[BLOWING NOSE]

Oh, Frank, it looks great.

Yeah, well, listen, I'm glad you like it.

I thought you might be thirsty. Champagne?

Yeah, well, I don't usually drink on the job, there, Pam.

Oh, come on. Just a sip. I want to propose a toast.

You've done such a terrific job here.

Well, all right. I guess one little sip won't hurt here.

Okay, now. Watch out.

Oh.

Must be an old bottle.

One for you.

There we go.

And a little for me.

Well, here's to my new bedroom.

FRANK: Cheers.

Oh, you know, Frank.

I've been thinking about remodeling my kitchen.

Would you take a look? You have such good ideas.

Well, I'd be glad to look. Sure. Sure.

I'm really happy I hired you.

You are so terrific.

Thanks.

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

[GROANS]

FRANK: I don't know. I think a job like that would take about a month.

Maybe a month and a half.

You'll want to get new cabinets and appliances, you know.

The first thing you're gonna have to do

is get rid of those dated faucets

and maybe put in a nice "C" spout.

Mmm-hmm. Yes, yes.

You really have an eye for beautiful things.

Hey. It's my job.

You know what I'm thinking?

That, um,

you'll probably like a nice "C" spout here

in the Jacuzzi.

No.

I'd like to have you in the Jacuzzi.

Oh, jeez.

Now, now, now. Oh, listen, Pam.

This isn't right.

Give me five minutes. I'll make it right.

Now wait a minute. No.

Now, I'm not gonna do this.

I'm a happily married man.

What were you thinking?

Well, I figured there was some reason

you didn't tell your wife you were working here.

Well, of course there is.

Carol's eight months pregnant.

She feels so insecure about everything.

I didn't want to worry her.

Right.

Well, I'm glad I didn't throw myself at you,

or I'd be really embarrassed.

Any chance we can just forget this ever happened?

Sure.

[SOBBING] Thanks.

Well, I think I'll go see my shrink now.

We've been working on rejection.

Carol.

What are you doing here?

Oh, no.

The blackouts are back. It must be the hormones again.

I gotta go, so I'll see you at dinner.

Carol.

You didn't have to do this.

You can trust me.

I know, Frank, but...

my imagination just got away from me.

Well, here I am, I keep thinking I look like this big blimp

and this gorgeous woman walks back into your life

and I just figured you'd find her more attractive than me.

Carol, you are the most beautiful woman

I have ever laid my eyes on.

Yeah. Even like this?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-Hey, guys. -Hey, Code.

Hey, Code.

So, how's that, uh, shock therapy thing going?

Oh, man, I've been zapped so many times,

my butt feels like a London broil.

[LAUGHING]

Dude.

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Cody.

I am so proud of you.

You went a whole hour without saying...

What's what word you're not supposed to say?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Cody, this is so stupid, man.

You need to say the word, "Dude" to communicate.

It's part of who you are.

Why don't you bag this whole thing and quit, bro?

Ah.

I can't do that, dude.

-[BEEPING] -[CODY YELLING]

Okay.

Changed my mind.

Yeah, JT's right.

I'm not gonna change.

Dana, give me the remote.

Winners never quit, and quitters never win.

Give me.

Come on.

All right.

Okay.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Now, if you dudes will excuse me,

I have to remove a few electrodes

from a very sensitive area.

You know, you try to help a friend

and they just give up on you.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Dana.

As far as I am concerned, you will always be a pain in the butt.