Original subtitles

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi, guys.

Hey, Kare bear.

Whoa!

Check out the gonzo cheeks on the Dana burger.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Got that little Alvin the Chipmunk groove happening.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

What happened to you?

[MUMBLING]

What?

[MUMBLING]

She had her wisdom teeth taken out.

[MUMBLING] I'm in a lot of pain.

She met Superman and Lois Lane.

Whoa!

Dude! No way!

That's so ragin'.

Man, the best person I ever met, Catwoman from Batman.

Remember her? Dude, she was so fine.

No, Cody. She said she's in a lot of pain.

Well, didn't the dentist give her some pain killers or something?

Yes, but she doesn't wanna take them

because she's super sensitive to medication.

It totally spaces her out.

[MUMBLING] That's right.

Well, that's too bad.

I remember when I had my wisdom teeth taken out.

Oh, man.

Sending hot bolts of pain right into my brain.

God.

[BLENDER REVVING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[KIDS SCREAMING]

♪ The dream wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost? You wonder

♪ Will there ever be A second time around?

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say My Lord I think I found someone

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To be putting it together

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall the stronger we stay

♪ We'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING]

Hey, Carol. I did it.

I got my learner's permit.

Congratulations, honey. That's great.

Yeah, Dad even let me drive home for the first time.

It was great, huh, Dad?

I was busy seeing my life flash before my eyes.

Frank, you know, you go through this

Yeah, well, that's because they let people drive way too early.

I'm telling you I don't think they should let anybody

behind the wheel till they're 30.

I can't believe it.

how to drive.

I'm gonna get my friend Debbie to teach me.

Demolition Debbie? I don't think so.

like Carol or myself.

Driving is a serious business, Al.

You're not gonna learn it from some teeny bopper.

Dad, I haven't seen you this uptight since I started getting boobs.

Yeah, that's another thing you shouldn't get till you're 30.

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Watch this one.

[LAUGHING]

[CRINGING]

[EXHALES]

Cool!

[LAUGHING]

Dude, I almost blacked out.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man...

I love ice cream headaches.

[LAUGHING]

Guys, I just want to warn you. Dana is not herself today.

Oh, man. Is she still in a lot of pain?

No, she took her pain medication,

and now she's bombed out of her gourd.

[LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY]

Hey!

It's Cody!

The Codeman!

The Code-meister.

Slap me some skin, bro.

[LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY]

Dude.

I'm not possessed.

It's me, Dana!

Your favorite step-cuz!

The Dana-burger!

The Dana-burger with cheese!

She's been like this all morning.

[LAUGHING BOISTEROUSLY]

Yeah.

And we've been having like a totally ragin' time.

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

This is scary.

Whoa!

-Hey, Dana-- -Cool.

I always wanted to try that brain-freeze thing Cody does.

Wait, Dana, you...

Geez.

Cool.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Frank, hurry up. We're going to be late.

Carol, do we really have to go to this baby care class?

Frank, come on. We talked about this last week.

You said it was a good idea.

Frank, neither of us has had a baby in a long time.

I'm not sure we know how to take care of one anymore.

Carol, they're babies. Not Pontiacs.

Well, we are both out of practice

Hey, where are you guys going?

Can I drive you?

but it's kind of a bad time right now.

Why?

Great. I'm never going to get a chance to drive.

Where're you going?

To the video store.

Can I drive you?

I'm walking. It's just two blocks away.

Come on. Let me drive.

We can take Dad's truck.

Nope, nope, nope. Sorry, Al.

Wrong.

That could be you.

Based on what?

Well...

You're 18.

You're a high-school graduate.

Hey, you haven't had a pimple in over a year.

Yeah, I guess I am pretty grown-up.

Okay. You can drive.

But, you have to do exactly what I tell you.

Yeah, you got it.

Okay.

Well, golly. I think so.

If I could figure out where to put this darn key.

Now, get in the truck and stop messing around.

This is really cool. Thanks, JT.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You better not tell anybody.

[CAR STARTING]

Oh, I love the sound of that.

Now, be careful of the driveway, okay?

It's real narrow, and look out for the fence.

Okay.

Stop babying it. Give it some gas.

All right.

[CAR STARTING]

[CRASHES]

[CRYING HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, man. I can't believe you did this!

What were you thinking?

Well, I was thinking of backing up slowly

until you told me to give it gas.

Oh, no, no. Don't blame this on me!

You're the one who hit the house!

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Maybe he won't notice.

Oh, man. We're dead meat.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Good afternoon, everyone.

I am Nurse Decker.

Now, the first lesson is going to be giving the baby a bath.

There are lots of different ways to bathe an infant.

So, why don't you all just do what comes naturally

and I'll walk around and tell you why it's wrong.

Okay.

Yes, you are!

Yes, you are!

Yes. We're going to take the little wash cloth

and we're gonna wash the little hairs

on your little chinny chin-chin.

Carol.

If you keep talking to the baby like that,

[MIMICKING CAROL] you would drive him crazy.

Mr. Lambert, your baby's head has been under water for the last twenty seconds.

[LAMBERT EXCLAIMS]

-I'm sorry. -Don't panic.

Just think quickly.

Your baby's lungs are filling up with water.

How do you get it out?

[SQUEEZE]

That was wrong, wasn't it?

Frank, you're supposed to save the baby, not juice it.

Well, don't be too hard on him.

A lot of men are nervous about their first baby.

Well, actually, it's not my first baby.

It's my fourth.

Oh.

Any survivors?

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

JT, this "Fender Mender" stuff better work.

If Dad finds out we wrecked his truck, he'll kill us.

We just fill the dent in with this stuff,

paint over it, and bingo, it's as good as new.

Hey, Cody, what's up?

Dude. Don't say my name.

I don't want Dana to know where I'm at.

Why not?

she's been like Space Cadet City.

I mean, how many times can a person say "Dude" in one sentence?

Dude!

What happened to the truck?

I let Al drive.

She was backing out of the driveway

[LAUGHING] Oh, man.

Uncle Frank's gonna be totally cheesed off

when he sees what happened to his truck.

[LAUGHING]

Well, not if we fix it before he finds out.

See, JT says this "Fender Mender" stuff will make it good as new.

Lame.

[LAUGHING]

Dude, you know that stuff is not gonna work.

Why don't you just be straight with your dad, man?

Tell him the truth.

that he won't beat the snot out of you for messing up his truck.

You know, JT, maybe he's right.

Al, this is America.

We're innocent until proven guilty.

And if we can cover up the evidence, we're not guilty.

You can put all the silly putty you want on the door, man,

but sooner or later, you're going down.

[LAUGHING]

Dudesies!

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

Codeman!

What's up?

Oh, man, Princess Leia the space queen is back.

Okay.

Dig it.

I got like this totally ragin' idea.

Why don't we sing the blues?

[STRUMMING THE GUITAR]

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the I got My wisdom teeth pulled out

♪ And they put me On medication

♪ And now I'm feeling No pain blues ♪

[STRUMMING THE GUITAR]

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

If this putty stuff doesn't work,

we can always tell Dad she was driving.

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

One of the scarier moments for new parents is if the baby is choking.

But it doesn't have to be scary if you know the Baby Heimlich.

This is step one of the Baby Heimlich.

Hold the baby, face down, in the palm of your hand,

being careful to support its head.

Then turn it downward and give it five thumps

between the shoulder blades using the heel of your hand.

Mr. Winthrop, why don't you try it?

Okay.

I hope I do it right.

Now, you've got to be firmer.

Remember, you have to force enough air

Okay. I'll try.

That's excellent, Mr. Winthrop.

All right, Mr. Lambert. You're next.

Okay.

I'll give it a try here.

That's right.

Aim it downwards.

Yes.

Okay. Here we go.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, honey, this was a complete disaster.

I should change my name from Frank Lambert to Atilla the Hun.

Watch your head. I seem to be decapitating things lately.

Oh, God.

I'm so big.

Carol.

I'm a total failure as a father.

Frank, you are not.

You just haven't had a baby in a long time.

You're out of practice.

Look, we're taking the doll home.

The baby won't be born until May.

By that time, you're going to be an old pro. Believe me.

Yeah. Thanks for having confidence in me, honey.

I really want to be a good dad.

I want you to know that when you leave our baby with me,

it's a 100% safe.

[CAR STARTING]

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

What did I tell you? It looks as good as new.

Am I a genius, or what?

Yeah, well, I'll tell you after Dad sees it.

If we just act cool, he won't suspect a thing.

Hey, guys.

Dad! You're home. Great!

[LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

Yeah. Great!

Welcome home.

What are you guys doing in here?

Oh, just waxing the old truck.

We wanted to surprise you, but, uh, I guess you caught us.

Yeah, Dad. You caught us.

Yeah, you did.

Well, I'll tell you, it looks pretty.

It looks like...

Could I get by you, please?

What for?

I would like to get something out of my truck.

Is that okay?

-Sure. -Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What's that?

What's what?

Looks like you missed a spot.

No, no, no, Dad. I'll fix it.

[LAUGHING]

Okay. Here you go.

All right.

Are you guys okay?

Okay? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm okay. Why?

-Al, you okay? -Oh, yeah. I'm okay.

Okay.

[CRASHES]

You know, they want you to buy American

and they sell you a pile of junk.

Unbelievable.

Okay, Dad. I can explain everything.

Before you get mad, I can explain. Okay?

This is all Al's fault.

My fault?

Yeah. You were the one who was driving?

So? You let me, Mr. Give-it-some-more-gas.

You were the one who begged me--

I have already killed three kids today.

Two more will make no difference.

First of all, you are both going to pay for this out of your own money.

And second of all, didn't I tell you

you are not allowed to drive unless you were with a responsible adult?

Well, I thought JT was a responsible adult.

Based on what?

Well, I guess I based it on the fact that

I really wanted to drive, and you kept putting me off.

Oh, Al.

Listen, I know you just got your learner's permit

and you're real anxious to get behind the wheel.

But look what happened.

Oh, sorry.

But I have a very good reason for wanting a responsible adult with you.

It's very difficult do back down our driveway.

I know, Dad. You're right.

No.

You're gonna put up a block wall on my new construction site.

A block wall? That is hard work!

Good parenting, Dad.

Shut up, son.

Good idea.

JT. This stuff weighs a ton.

Whatever made you think it was gonna stick to the side of a car?

Well, it worked pretty good on the side of the house.

There is a hole on the side of my house?

You know that block wall we're building for you?

Well, why don't we put a nice little brick trim around it?

Just to show that, you know, we've really, really, really learned our lesson.

Shut up, JT!

She's right. I should shut up.

Oh, man.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

listening to Reggae music and babbling about

"going back to Jamaica, Mon."

[JAMAICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Look!

Look who's here!

It's the Codemon!

Where you been?

[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] It's time to limbo!

Come on, Codemon.

How low can you go?

All right.

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

[IN JAMAICAN ACCENT] Limbo lower now!