Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

CODY: Dude, this car is totally raging.

I can't believe your boss let a dillweed like you drive it.

Cody, I work in a used car lot for five bucks an hour.

The least he can let me do is drive a Porsche once in a while.

Yeah.

You know, JT,

you could really pick up chicks in a car like this, if you were better looking.

[LAUGHS]

That's kind of funny, huh? I hope you enjoy walking home.

Man, you guys are gonna totally love this place.

They got like down-home cooking, the bottomless cup of coffee.[CHUCKLES]

Hey, man, they even got this big old waitress named Bertha in there,

she always sticks her thumb in your pie. She's nuts.

Hi, come on in.

Cody. Cody, who's that? [SCOFFS] Got me.

But she beats the wazooli out of Bertha. [CHUCKLES]

Hi, I'm Shelley. The menu's on the blackboard.

Just let me know if you see something you want.

[CHUCKLES] I think I know what I want right now.

[SCOFFS] Come on.

Why would a sweet, classy, little girl like that

want to have anything to do with a slacker like you, huh?

Hi. Hi, I'm JT Lambert.

So, are you the proprietor of this establishment?

No. My dad owns the restaurant. I'm just helping out for a while.

I saw you guys drive up. That's an incredible car you have.

Oh, the Porsche? He doesn't own that.

She's right. I lease, that's what I do. I lease.

Look, uh, why don't you two go grab us a table,

and I'll give the order to our lovely waitress here, huh?

So, Shelley. Uh, you like Porsches, huh?

I love 'em. But they're really expensive.

You must have a pretty good job.

Well, let's just say, I have a small interest in a car dealership.

[CHUCKLES] It's a family business. Uh, inherited money.

Kind of like the Kennedys.

Hey, I got an idea.

You like Porsches, and I own one.

So, uh, why don't you let me take you for ride sometime?

Sounds good. I get off at six.

Then six it is.

Shelley, I got two burgers up.

Be right there, Pop.

I'll be right back.

Cody. Cody, man, did you hear that? She's gonna go out with me.

Yeah, but you lied.

I know, and it worked.

Dude, what's with all this big con job, man?

Why don't you just be yourself? [SCOFFS]

Because, Cody, "myself" hasn't had a date in three months.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Okay, put this wing in there, and...

♪ You put your right wing in

♪ You put your right wing out

♪ You put your right wing in, and you shake it all about

♪ You do the hokey pokey, and you turn yourself around

♪ That's what it's all about ♪

Hi, Frank.

Hi, honey. [CHUCKLES]

Good news, Frank. We've got an appointment with the doctor on Tuesday.

Well, one of us certainly does need a doctor.

No, Frank, I mean, we have an appointment with the gynecologist.

Carol, I don't have a gynecologist.

I have nothing for him to gyno.

Come on, Frank. It's our baby's four-month check up.

I want us to go together.

Oh, honey, I'm not going to be comfortable going into a gynecologist' s office.

You know, I don't understand, Frank.

When your first wife was pregnant, didn't you go to the doctor with her?

No, she did her job, I did mine.

And yours was...

I planted the seed,

which is a pretty important job.

Well, I want us to go together.

When it comes to the baby, we're a team, Frank.

All right, okay, fine. I'll go with ya.

Man, plant the seed, go to the gyno, I have to do everything around here.

[SIGHS] Man, thanks for another great meal.

JT, you've been spending so much time in here lately.

Don't you ever have to be at work?

Well, when your family owns their own business, uh,

you kind of call your own shots, you know?

Excuse me, Shelley, uh,

it's getting a little thick in here.

I think I'm gonna step outside and get some air.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, you know, don't mind him. He's claustrophobic.

Hey, look. Tonight, I'll pick you up at 7:00.

Now, wear something real fancy. I'm getting tickets to Phantom of the Opera.

Sounds good.

Bye.

Hey, Cody! Cody, Cody,

lend me 50 bucks so I can go to the theatre tonight.

CODY: No way, dude.

The Bank of Codeman is closed.

I'm tired of you lying to that sweet little girl.

Oh, come on, Cody. I don't like lying to Shelley.

I just gotta, you know, find the right time to tell her the truth.

Yeah? And when might that be?

Next week? Next year?

Fine, Cody. You're not gonna help me?

No problem. I'll just find the money somewhere else, all right?

Yeah, don't you lead a rich fantasy life, huh? [CHUCKLES]

What do you think it's gonna do?

Money is just gonna drop out of the sky and fall at your feet, huh?

Cody. Cody, check this out. An envelope full of money.

No way!

Hey, Dude! Can I have a motorcycle?

Man, there's gotta be over a thousand bucks in here. I'm rich!

Hey, man, I'm gonna go buy Shelley a really neat gift

that's gonna knock her socks off.

[SCOFFS] Hello in there.

You can't spend that money, dude.

It's gotta belong to somebody.

Oh, yeah, right. Probably a crook. Huh!

Who else carries this much money in an envelope?

Now look, the way I figure, if I keep it,

it's like I'm taking a bite out of crime.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I tell ya, something bites around here,

but it sure ain't the crime.

The doctor will be with you shortly.

Just make yourselves comfortable.

CAROL: Thanks.

Oh, look, Frank.

Oh. It's a model of a baby in the womb.

Aw, man. [PANTING]

Honey, you know, I'm really not very comfortable in here.

Oh, geez.

I mean, come on. There're stirrups here and rubber gloves and wombs.

Can't I just wait in the car?

Frank, this is not just my baby.

This is our baby. We're supposed to be a team on this.

Okay, okay.

You're right, I promised, and I'm sorry.

We're... We're gonna be a team, okay? Hmm?

[MOANING]

Hey, knock it off. That's what got you here in the first place.

Hi, Dr. Postley. This is my husband, Frank.

Nice to meet you. [CHUCKLING]

Nice to meet you, Doc.

You know, it's nice to see a husband in here.

A lot of men are uncomfortable at the gynecologist.

You're kidding?

You know, it's jerks like that that give sensitive, caring guys like me a bad name.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, we're going to do something really fun today.

We're gonna take our first sonogram, see what he baby looks like.

So, Carol, I'm gonna ask you to hop up here,

get comfortable,

lift up your shirt, and just relax.Okay.

Okay, honey.

CAROL: Okay.

Woo, this is nice.

Are we really going to be able to see the baby on this little TV?

Absolutely.

FRANK: Wow!

Okay.

This is gonna be a little cold.

CAROL: Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

What's all that glop?

Oh, it's a lubricant. Kind of turns your wife's belly into a "Slip 'n Slide."

Uh, Doc,

[STAMMERS] can you buy that stuff over the counter?

Here, Frank, knock yourself out.

Okay, let's see what this baby looks like.

See if it looks like Frank

or that good looking guy who works at the gas station.

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

CAROL: Oh.

Oh, Frank, I see it.

FRANK: Oh, that's it. That's our baby.

And it's a boy.

Frank, that's an arm.

Uh, well, that explains why there's two. [CHUCKLES]

I just figured he was gifted. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING]

CAROL: Can you tell if it's a girl or a boy?Oh, no, it's too early.

But everything looks A-okay.

The baby's got a good, strong heart beat.CAROL: Aw.

FRANK: Oh, this is incredible. Honey, that's our baby.

Hmm. Whoa, I made that!

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, I'm gonna freeze frame this for you.

Before you go, I'll print up a picture of the baby.

You get to take it, along with a video tape home

to show the rest of your family.FRANK: Ah.

Okay. Hey, buddy, we'll see ya later.

We'll see you in the delivery room.

I'll be the one smiling. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, Shelley. I know I was here earlier,

but I got a little surprise for you.

Good, I could use a surprise.

Tough day, huh?

Yeah, really tough.

Yeah, well, maybe this might cheer you up.

Okay, you hate it. No problem. Uh, I'll just go jump off a bridge.

No, JT. I love it. This is really sweet of you.

It's just that my dad went to deposit last week's receipts,

and somewhere between here and the bank, he dropped the envelope.

The envelope?

With money in it?

My dad's a wreck.

[EXHALES]

Yeah.

I'm not, uh, feeling too good myself.

Be careful of the door sill, honey, and don't trip on the rug, all right?

Just stand there, now.

Now, here. I got it. I got it. Don't do that.

Okay, huh? Everything all right? Huh?

Hey buddy, did you enjoy that ride home? [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, we loved it, Frank. Especially stopping at Sparky's Tavern,

so you could show all your friends "what you made".

Oh, okay. Hey, everybody,

come on in here in the living room.

I have something I want to show you. Come on.

What's up?

I have got a great new video.

All right! Is it Terminator 2?

I wanna see that guy's head split open again

[CHUCKLES] No, no, it's better than that.

It's a sonogram of your new baby brother or sister.

What's a sonogram?

It's an ultrasonic picture that allows the doctors to visualize the fetus in utero.

What?

It's a movie of the baby.

Okay, everybody. Here we go.

BRENDAN: That's it?

How come it's in black and white?

Doesn't this thing come in color?

Just forget about color. Now, that is the baby, right there.

It's just sitting there.

Doing nothing.

Obviously a Lambert.

This is lame.

Call me when he does something interesting.

Ordinarily, I'm a big fan of reproductive videos,

but this one's a real snooze.

Yeah, Mom, I mean, can't you give the kid a little goose?

You know, get it to swim around or roll over or something?

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Karen.

I'll try to have a more entertaining pregnancy next time.

Oh-ho-ho, no.

We cannot have an eighth child.

Frank, I have two words for you.

"Snip, snip."

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, the mighty jalapeno. [CHUCKLES]

[GASPING]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Yeah, buddy.

All right.

Cody, man, I got a big problem.

Yeah, you sure do.

You're a lying sack of doo-doo. [CHUCKLES]

I know, man. But this is worse.

You know that envelope of money I found?

It belongs to Shelley's dad.

Aw, yeah? Huh.

Gee, you found an envelope full of money and it belonged to somebody, huh?

[EXHALES] Who would have thought of that?

Cody, man, I'm serious. What am I going to do?

JT, man, you know what you're gonna do.

Look, you tell her truth,

return the necklace, and give the money back to her dad, bro.

I can't do that, man. She's gonna think I'm a liar.

JT, dude, you are a liar.

[SIGHS]

Yeah, I know, but if she knows that, she won't like me anymore.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I'll tell you somethin' man,

I'm your best friend. I don't like you very much right now.

Oh, Cody. I got an idea, okay. All right, check this out.

What about this? All right.

I take her on a date,

then you pretend to be a mugger. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay, all right.

Then you steal the necklace, take it to a pawn shop,

get me the money, and I give it back to her dad.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! It's gonna work there, buddy.

We can fake a little fight. I'll look like a big hero, you know?

Oh, please, please, please, please Cody!

John Thomas Lambert,

this is your conscience speaking, okay? Look.

There is no way out.

The ship has sailed.

The fat broad has sung sayonara.

Okay?

Now, it's up to you to make a decision with your life.

Are you gonna tell the truth and be a man,

or are you gonna be a liar?

Can't I be both?

Here's your change Have a good day.

Thanks.

Hi.

Hi.

What's wrong?

Well, um,

I kinda have to talk to you,

but I don't think you're going to be, uh,

too excited when you hear what I have to say.

Listen, I'm in such a good mood, nothing could get me down.

You know the money my dad lost?

He found it.

He did?

[CHUCKLES] He dropped the envelope under the seat of his car.

Isn't that great?

[CHUCKLES] Great? That's incredible.

Yeah, we were pretty relieved.

So, what'd you want to talk about?

You know, whatever it was, it just flew right out of my head.

It's unbelievable.

We have some great lasagna today. Want to try it?

Oh, sure. I love lasagna.

Great. Grab a seat and I'll get some for you.

Oh, JT, by the way,

my dad loved this necklace you gave me.

He said I must have a pretty terrific boyfriend to get me a gift like this.

I told him he was right.

I'm awfully lucky to have a guy like you.

Shelley, you know,

I haven't

really been completely honest with you.

What? You don't like lasagna?

Look, uh,

I don't know how to say this,

but, well,

I'm not a rich guy.

I don't own my own car dealership.

And that car I've been driving

belongs to my boss.

You've been lying to me?

It gets worse.

I paid for that necklace with some money I found on the street.

And I came here to tell you that today because I thought it was your dad's.

But you know what, it doesn't matter because it was somebody else's money,

and I shouldn't have spent it.

I don't think I can see you anymore.

Look, Shelley, I know I've been a jerk.

But, I lied because I thought it was the only way you'd go out with me.

I'm really sorry.

I really liked you, JT.

And not because you were rich or you drove a fancy car.

I liked you because you were cute and fun to be with

and you made me laugh.

And now I just wish this whole thing never happened.

Me, too. I wish we could just start all over again.

Bye, JT.

Bye.

Hi. I'm JT Lambert.

I don't have a Porsche.

I don't even have a car.

I used to lie to get girls to go out with me,

but I don't want to do that anymore.

Do you think maybe I could, uh, get a cup of coffee?

JT, one moment of honesty isn't gonna make everything okay.

I know.

Look, I don't know if I can ever make things right.

But this is all I got, Shelley.

So, I thought I'd order a cup of coffee

and you know, see where it went.

Cream or sugar?

Both.

No more lies?

No more lies.

Oh, honey, honey, you're gonna love this.

I rented a new video called, The Miracle of Childbirth.

It says right here, it shows you everything that goes on

in the delivery room from beginning till end.

[CHUCKLING]

Here, sit up. Oh, here, let me help you.

[GROANING, CHUCKLES] Come on.

Are you sure you want to watch this tape, Frank?

I mean, it could get very graphic.

Oh, come on, honey, I sat through Alientwice.

I mean, a space creature, bang, right through the chest of a guy.

How bad could this be, huh?

WOMAN: Birth. The moment when we all leave the womb and enter the world.

[GASPS] Oh, look, Frank.

Oh, there's the baby's head.

[GASPS] Here comes the shoulders.

Wha... What's all that goo?

Oh, that's just some blood and other birth fluids.

WOMAN: And now the father cuts the umbilical cord.

[THUDS]