Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't bear the thought of being away from you for Christmas.

Me, neither. Promise you'll fax me every day?

I will, I will.

That way, even though we're hundreds of miles apart,

our souls will be electronically linked.

[CODY LAUGHS]

Talk about romance in the twenty-first century, huh? [LAUGHS]

Goodbye, my sweet.

Farewell, my lovely.

Is it me, or is she just one smokin' mama?

[LAUGHS] Gotta love that.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[STAPLING]

It's ski time. This is gonna be the greatest Christmas ever.

I don't know, JT.

Don't you think it's kind of lame

to be away from your family at Christmas?

Cody, I'm 18.

I'm a little too old to be sitting around the tree,

singing The Twelve Days Of Christmaswith the kiddies.

Yeah. Well, what do you think, Uncle Frank?

Don't you think it's kind of lame

to be away from your family at Christmas?

Well, like he said, he's 18.

If that's what he wants to do for the holidays, that's fine.

Thanks, Dad. Gotta go. See ya later, Code.

-Sure. -See ya, son.

-Have fun skiing. Bye. -[DOOR CLOSES]

That ungrateful little brat.

I spend 18 years raising him and he leaves me at Christmas.

Whoa, Uncle Frank, man...

Major 'tude swing, dude. [LAUGHS]

I mean, hey, if you didn't want him to go, why didn't you just say so?

Cody, that's not my style.

Sure, I'm gonna miss him,

but I'll just have to try not to think about him.

[SCOFFS] Yeah. Well, good luck. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, man, if I was you, that's all I'd be thinking about. [LAUGHS]

Sure, my first born son won't be with me at Christmas.

Oh, yeah, there's plenty of turkey,

but JT won't be here to eat it.

Yeah, oh, all kinds of eggnog,

but JT won't be here to drink it. Nope.

Of course, there'll be plenty of presents,

but JT won't be here to open them up and say,

"Gee, thanks, Dad, you're the greatest guy in the world."

God, God, this is sadder than when they shot Old Yeller.

All right, all right, I get your point.

Just stop talking about how much I'm going to miss JT.

Yeah, right, dude. You're the one who keeps bringing it up.

[SCOFFS]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

-[STAPLES] -[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GLASS PIECES CLINKING]

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

Honey, honey, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

You know that vase you ordered by mail?

I think some bonehead down at the post office broke it.

[GLASS PIECES CLINKING]

Wrapping with the staple gun again, Frank?

-[PHONE RINGING] -I'll get it!

It's probably my little love muffin.

Hello, baby.

Ah! It's Aunt Edna.

Shh! Shh! Okay, everybody pretend we're not home. Just be quiet.

Come on, guys.

Hello. Oh, hi, Aunt Edna, what a nice surprise.

Yes, uh, yes, we're going to be home for Christmas.

No, no, no, don't tell her we're going to be home for Christmas.

Tell her... Tell her, uh, tell her we don't celebrate Christmas.

Tell her we're Jewish. Tell her we're Jewish!

[SINGING "HAVA NAGELA"]

Shh! Shh!

Would you be quiet.

Excuse us. We're just playing our Hanukkah records.

Well, of course we'd love to have you join us for Christmas.

Okay. See you soon.

Oh, honey, how could you invite that old bat over here for Christmas?

Well, Frank, she's family.

She's a witch!

You know, the last time she was here,

she pinched my cheeks so hard, I wet my pants.

Yeah, and she never gets my name right.

She's always calling me Mike or Moe or Melvin.

At least she gets close to your name.

All she ever calls me is Lazy Boy.

I thought your cousin Ernie had to take her this year.

Well, apparently, Ernie had to have an emergency heart bypass.

[SCOFFS] Oh, right.

Like that couldn't wait until after the holidays.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Well, that must be her.

Run for your lives!

Wait a minute, must be her? Honey, how'd she get here so fast?

Well, she was calling from the corner.

You know, you should've let us kept singing.

I think that Jewish thing would have worked.

Just stop it. Shh.

Well, hi, Aunt Edna. How nice to see you.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come every Christmas I get passed around like a bad fruitcake?

Well, we like fruitcake. [CHUCKLES]

Where are your bags?

In the car.

Hey, Lazy Boy, go get my bags.

Nice to see you, too, Aunt Edna.

Aunt Edna, you remember the kids?

Well, of course I remember them. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, Whitey, what's your name again?

Mark.

Mark, right.

I never did like that name.

From now on, your name is Maurice.

You can't do that.

I'm older than dirt. I can do anything I want.

Now shut up and go help Lazy Boy with my bags.

Aunt Edna, you seem kind of tense.

Would you like to lie down for a while?

No, not until I check out Smiley here.

Look, we went through this the last time you were here.

All right, the name is not Smiley. It's Al.

You know, I don't care how old you are,

I'm not taking any lip from you.

-Al! -Oh, no, no, no, that's okay. [LAUGHS]

I like this one. She's got spunk. [CHUCKLES]

You get in my face again and I'll be on you like a bad rash.

[ALL CHEERING]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

you said we were staying in an Alpine chalet.

This place looks more like the entrance to a mine shaft.

Well, it's supposed to be rustic.

It's all part of that wilderness experience.

What's that shack with the steam coming out of it?

That's another part of the wilderness experience. It's the outhouse.

Oh, man. I hope I can hold it 'til Monday.

Well, here it is, our little mountain bachelor pad.

Man, this place is a dump. There's like 10 guys, and we only got four cots.

Who cares about the cabin?

I mean, we're going to be spending all our time on the ski slopes.

Huh, think again. An avalanche took out the ski lifts.

Oh, man, this is so lame.

I'm stuck in this rat hole and I can't even ski.

Man, it doesn't get any worse than this.

Oh, yeah it does. The outhouse has a metal seat.

I can't believe Mom stuck us with cooking the turkey.

Well, she couldn't help it.

It's Christmas Eve and she's backed up in the beauty shop.

Come on, I mean, how hard can it be?

It came with directions.

All right.

"Step number one,

"Reach inside the body cavity and remove the heart, gizzard and other innards."

Go ahead, Karen.

No way. I don't do innards.

You are such a wimp.

Yeah, well, I don't see you fishing around inside Mister Turkey.

Fine, I'll do it.

Oh, it's wet in there.

And there's a loose flap of skin hanging down.

What are you princesses doing in the kitchen?

You get lost?

No, Carol put us in charge of cooking the turkey,

but we kind of don't want to clean it out.

What's your problem?

Just stick your hand up his butt and you go to work.

What are you waiting for, candlelight and soft music?

Oh, this is disgusting.

Yeah, well, it's no picnic for the bird, either.

Grab his guts and rip 'em out.

Oh, God.

-Come on. -[GROANING]

You left some.

Okay, who's the genius who decided to bring frozen dinners up here?

I'm sucking on frozen gravy.

This is the lowest moment of my life.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hi, guys, it's party time. [LAUGHS]

The entertainment committee is here.

Hey, JT, check it out.

Your friends are here. Beavis and Butt-head.

[LAUGHS]

There's no bottom to this nightmare.

I have to take the up escalator just to get to Hell.

We brought a really great video. Naughty Ski Babes.[LAUGHS]

Yeah. We like, taped it off the Smut Channel. Huh huh.

A porno movie on Christmas Eve. You guys are sick!

[VIEO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

What are all the squiggly lines for?

LARRY: Uh, it's scrambled.

But if you like look really close, there's butts and stuff.

Yep. Butts.

You guys are perverts, man. I gotta get some air.

You're gonna miss the best part.

Whoa! There goes a boob.

Yeah, man, yeah.

That's not a boob. It's a bald guy.

-[MUSIC PLAYING] -[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, I'll get it.

Merry Christmas. Cody Lambert speaking.

Hey, Cody, it's JT. Man, how's it going?

Oh, totally awesome, bro. [CHUCKLES]

Your dad built this big old raging fire,

we got a monster turkey in the oven,

mashed potatoes up the wazoo. [LAUGHS]

Hey, for later, Carol made three kinds of pies.

Hey, did you guys sing Christmas carols yet?

Oh, no, we're saving that for later on,

probably around midnight,

you know, when we're all feeling nice and warm and cozy,

and there's a lot of love in the room. [LAUGHS]

How's it going for you?

Oh, just great.

Great.

The food's great.

The cabin's great. Everything's just great, Code.

Dude, you just said great five times in a row.

You ain't gotta be a gardener to figure out who's spreading around the manure, you know

All right, Cody, man, the whole thing's a bust.

I'm with a bunch of guys and we're sucking down frozen dinners

and watching scrambled porno movies. I'm miserable.

Well, dude, why don't you just bag that bummer and come on home?

I can't do that.

I made a big deal about being too old for Christmas.

If I come home now, it'll be like telling my dad I'm still a little kid.

Oh, man, he won't think that. He'd love to see you here.

Why don't you hold on, I'll go get him.

No, no, Cody, I can't talk to him, man.

Just... Just tell everybody I said, "Merry Christmas." Okay, Cody?

I gotta go. Bye.

Hey, Uncle Frank, I think we've got kind of a problem.

Uh, look, JT just called and he said he's having

a miserable time up at that ski lodge.

Well, why doesn't he just come home?

Well, because he made such a big deal about being too old for Christmas.

Well, now he's embarrassed and doesn't want to admit he was wrong.

I think you should go up there and get him.

Oh, no. No, I'm not driving two hours to pick him up.

If he's such a big boy, he can come home himself.

You know, this passive aggressive jive is really starting to cheese me off.

I mean, look, you didn't want him going up there in the first place,

but you wouldn't say anything.

Well, now he wants to come home, but he won't tell you.

Well, of course he won't tell me. And you know why he won't tell me?

Because he's stubborn and pig headed.

[SCOFFS] Stubborn and pig headed, huh, Uncle Frank?

I wonder where he gets that from? Oink, oink.

-Whoa, that was cool. -Yeah, yeah.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'll get it. Maybe it's a serial killer and he'll put me out of my misery.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, it was a nice night, so I thought I'd take a little two hour drive.

Son, is there some place we can talk alone?

Sure. Either here on the porch or over there on the outhouse.

Uh, let's try the porch, okay?

So...

What did you want to talk about?

Oh. You know.

Just wondering how things were going up here. [CHUCKLES]

They're going...

You know. Going.

How are, uh, things going at home?

Oh... You know.

Boy, we're not very good at telling each other how we feel, are we?

-We stink, Dad. -Yeah.

Wll, you probably get that from me. So, I'll go first.

Son, it's Christmas.

I want you home.

I didn't want you to come up here in the first place.

So, why didn't you say something before I left?

Well, when you told me you didn't want to be around for Christmas,

it kind of hurt.

But I didn't know how to say that,

so I just pretended it didn't bother me.

That's pretty stupid, isn't it?

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Not as stupid as me staying here

even though I was having a lousy time.

Well, why didn't you just tell me when you called? I would have picked you up.

Like it would have been real manly of me to call up and say,

"Daddy, I miss you, can I please come home?"

[SIGHS]

You know, JT, we could probably save ourselves a lot of trouble

if we just stop trying to act so tough all the time

and told each other what we were really thinking.

You know what I'm thinking, Dad?

What?

I want to come home for Christmas.

You know what I'm thinking?

I'd love to have you home.

Oh, what did those girls put on that turkey?

I have more gas than a Texaco station.

[WATER RUNNING]

I thought you were trying to sleep, Aunt Edna.

How am I supposed to sleep

if I feel like I'm digesting a bowling ball?

You never should have let those girls cook that meal.

I think they tried to poison me.

You know, Aunt Edna, you have been here an entire day

and you have not said one nice thing to anybody.

When I think of something nice to say, I'll mention it.

What is your problem?

You know, we have gone out of our way to welcome you

and you do nothing but crab at us.

We opened our home to you, we cooked dinner for you,

we even gave you our bedroom.

Obviously, nothing we can do will make you happy.

So why don't you just go ahead and be a pill.

But I will not let it ruin my Christmas, or my family's.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm a pain in the butt.

I try not to be, but it just comes out.

Why? What are you so angry about?

I'm not angry,

I'm lonely.

I know everybody's nice to me at Christmas,

but for the rest of the year, I just sit home alone

watching People's Court and talking to my cat.

I would like to have a good time at Christmas,

but the nicer you are to me, the more it reminds me that the rest of the year...

I don't have anybody.

Well, gee, I never thought about what your life must be like.

I hope I haven't ruined your Christmas.

I'd hate to do that to my favorite niece.

I'm your favorite niece?

Well, sure. [CHUCKLES]

Why do you think I made up that story about Ernie needing a heart bypass?

[CHUCKLES] You mean that wasn't true?

[LAUGHING] No, Ernie's as healthy as a horse.

I just wanted to be with you and your family.

Maybe we should just get together more often.

You know, not just at Christmas.

Oh, that would make me very happy.

-Oh. -[SOBBING]

ALL: ♪ On the first day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me

♪ A partridge in a pear tree

♪ On the second day of Christmas,

♪ My true love gave to me

♪ Two turtledoves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree

♪ On the third day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me

♪ Three French hens

♪ Two turtledoves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree

♪ On the fourth day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three Fench hens

♪ Two turtledoves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree

♪ On the fifth day of Christmas

♪ My true love gave to me

♪ Five golden rings

-Dudesie. -[ALL LAUGH]

♪ Four calling birds

♪ Three Fench hens

♪ Two turtledoves

♪ And a partridge in a pear tree♪

Dude, this was a totally awesome Christmas, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it was okay.

"Okay?" What are you talking about, little cuz?

You got all the loot you wanted.

Yeah, but what good are presents

if you can't share them with the woman you love?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

You just stay right here and wallow in self pity. [CHUCKLES]

Hi, Cody.

-Gabrielle! -Mark!