Original subtitles

[FOOD PROCESSOR RUNNING]

[SWITCHES FOOD PROCESSOR OFF]

Gee, honey, what are you doing? Starting a restaurant or what?

[LAUGHING]

Well, you know, with the baby coming next spring,

things are going to be kind of hectic.

So, I'm planning meals for the next seven months.

You know, that way, when I go into labor,

I can just pop a casserole into the oven,

go to the hospital, have the baby, and be home in time for dessert.

Carol, don't you think this is a little, kind of... Nuts?

Frank, it is not going to be easy having a baby in my forties.

I mean, I've got to plan ahead, otherwise,

I won't have the energy to take care of everyone.

Here, dice these.

[FOOD PROCESSOR RUNNING]

Carol, I really think you're going a little overboard here.

What you need is some time off.

So, I'm going to take you away for the weekend.

Oh, Frank, I can't. I was going to check out pre-schools this weekend.

Pre-schools? Honey, you're two months pregnant.

The kid is the size of a grape.

Carol, I'm going to take you away for the weekend.

I can't Frank, I really...

Uh, we can play, "The lonely heiress and the tennis pro."

Well, I do love to volley with you...

Bjorn. [GIGGLES]

[CHUCKLES] Ah, yes!

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Good, the geezers are gone.

Dibs on the living room.

Oh, forget it, White Meat. The living room's mine.

No way, I've got a hot date.

Yeah, right. Do you have to blow her up or does she already come inflated?

Don't mess with me, JT.

I'm pumped up on hormones

and I can kick your butt without breaking a sweat.

Don't push your luck, pal.

You get one free and then you die.

You want a piece of me, huh?

Take your best shot.

[BLOWS HARD]

Come on, bring it on, Meat. I'm taking you down.

-[BREATHES SHARPLY] -Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

What's with the 'tude, dude?

JT wants the living room tonight,

but I'm supposed to have my rendezvous with Gabrielle.

Yeah, right, like some girl's going to play kissy-face with your milky little chops.

Nah, the little dude speaks the truth, man.

He's got a hot date with a cute little computer cupcake.

Yeah. He met her while he was hitchhiking

on the information super highway.

I don't care. I'm the oldest,

so I should have first crack at the living room.

Well, all right, JT, who's your date with?

Well, I, I don't exactly have one yet.

But check this out, okay.

Last week I was at the mall and this girl smiled at me,

so I'm going to go back there and see if she's still there.

Lame.

Dude, Mark gets the living room.

Dudesie.

Buddy! Thought I wouldn't?

[SIGHS]

Guess what?

I have a great night planned for us.

I bought a bunch of women's magazines

and thought we could sit around and have a girls night.

Ooh, a girls' night.

Are we going to paint each other's toenails and have a pillow fight?

Come on, Dana, this will be fun.

They have quizzes

like, um, "Taking Your Love Temperature"

and "How Soon Is Too Soon To Kiss A Boy?"

[SCOFFS] Oh, right, like we need a magazine to tell us that.

How soon is too soon?

See, this will be very educational.

What do you say?

Oh, all right.

I guess there's only so much Tolstoy a person can take.

Good. Okay.

Now the first quiz is called, "Looking For Mr. Right."

Question number one.

"What is the sexiest part of a guy's body?"

Dana?

Um...

Sexiest part of a guy's body? His mind.

Get real.

Dana, it's just us girls.

You, you don't have to do your intellectual ice queen bit.

Forget it, Karen.

She doesn't have the guts to show us the real Dana.

All right.

You guys want to see the real Dana?

I'll tell you what the sexiest part of a guy's body is.

His butt.

A nice hard butt

in tight jeans

so that when he walks, you can see the muscles move

like a beautiful sculptured masterpiece.

Back and forth,

and back and forth,

and back and forth.

Put me down for what she said.

Okay, nice hard butts all around.

Yeah.

Here we go, folks.

The honeymoon suite.

Thanks for the help, Bar.

-Oh, Frank, a fireplace. -[SIGHS]

-Oh yeah. -Oh, Frank, this is so romantic.

-Oh, I want to take a picture. -Okay.

Oh, dear, I forgot my camera in the car. I'll be right back.

So, are you guys newlyweds?

Oh, no, no, we've been married for four years.

-Oh... -We just feellike newlyweds.

That's why we came up here, you know, a little romantic getaway.

Oh, yeah. [SIGHS]

I remember when me and the missus used to, uh, get away

for a little cruise on the Love Boat.

But then we had a baby and ever since then,

the Love Boat's been in dry dock.

Never should have had a kid in our forties.

Big mistake.

You know, it just, uh,

sucked the life right out of our marriage.

You, you really think that was because of your age, huh?

Oh, yeah. You have a baby after you're forty,

well, man, you can just kiss your sex life good-bye.

Gabrielle, prepare to meet your love destiny.

[BOOMBOX PLAYING OPERA]

Dude, I love opera.

A bunch of fat old guys singing about love and death.

It's awesome.

Opera's nice, but I prefer Cole Porter.

His lyrics really get my mojo working.

Listen, Mark, I am the chaperone for this little soiree here tonight.

So, you keep a lid on your mojo

or I'll chaperone your butt into an ice bucket.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes! She's here!

I hope she's blonde.

I hope she's leggy.

I like 'em leggy.

Mark, don't make me slap you.

[SIGHS]

Hello Gabrielle.

Um, no, I'm not Gabrielle.

I'm her older sister, Renee.

I'm just here to drop her off.

Come on, Gabrielle! I'm really sorry, she's kind of shy.

Hi, I'm Gabrielle.

Uh, hi.

Well, Gabrielle, come on in.

Entree. Entree.

Dude, take her coat.

Whoa, awkward moment.

Sorry. I'm a little nervous.

You're a lot more handsome than I expected.

Um, you'll have to excuse me.

I, I need to go get some aspirin.

I got a headache.

Well, hey, Gabrielle, why don't you grab a seat, take a load off there,

and I'll go and try to find out what's wrong with Mark's head.

God! [SCOFFS]

I don't get it, dude.

You've been psyched to death about this date all week, man,

and now you're acting like, well, kind of a dill weed.

Cody, I'm kind of disappointed.

I mean, I was expecting filet mignon

and instead, I got a quarter pounder with cheese.

Mark Archibald Foster...

I'm surprised at you.

Dude, you know that looks are just like

the shell on the lobster,

the cocoon on the butterfly,

the hair on the coconut.

Hey, what's really important is what's inside a person.

I know that, Cody.

My brain says "looks don't matter"

but my body says, "Daddy wants some sugar."

Easy there, Mark. You're starting to sound like a bad jazz musician.

I know. I'm not proud of myself,

but what am I supposed to do?

Well, just think about what got you psyched for her in the first place:

it was her mind.

Well, she does have a pretty foxy brain.

She can do things with an algebraic equation that will make your hair curl.

Yeah, well, get out there and get curly, buddy!

Sorry about that, Gabrielle.

I'm feeling a lot better now.

Good.

So, how about some music?

Sure.

Do you like opera?

Yeah, it's okay.

Though personally, I prefer Cole Porter.

Really? [CLEARS THROAT]

You like Cole Porter?

Yeah.

His lyrics really get my mojo working.

Me, too.

[SNAPS HIS FINGERS]

♪ You do

♪ Something to me

♪ Something that simply

♪ Mystifies me

♪ Tell me

♪ Why should it be

♪ You have the power

♪ To hypnotize me?

BOTH: ♪ Let me

♪ Live neath your spell

♪ Do do that voodoo

♪ That you do so well

♪ For you do

♪ Something to me

♪ That nobody else could do ♪

[BAND PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

-Now, isn't this nice, honey? -Hmm.

-Just the two of us. -Hmm.

-Frank. -What?

-I was thinking... -Hmm.

I'd really like to put little lamb wallpaper in the baby's room,

but, you know, what if it's a boy?

-Well, Carol I... -I know, ducks.

They're neutral. Everybody loves ducks.

They're good for boys, they're good for girls.

You know, there's Donald Duck, and Daffy Duck, and the Mighty Ducks...

Yeah, Carol, listen, we've got plenty of time to settle this duck thing.

-Yeah. -Let's just figure out what we want for dinner, okay?

That's a good idea.

[SIGHS DEEPLY] Hmm...

Well, what looks good to you, Frank?

Ooh, I don't know. Maybe this chicken with rosemary.

Rosemary.

What a pretty name for a baby.

You know, Frank, if we had a girl, we could call her Rosemary.

Or Rose. Or Mary. Or Mary Rose.

Carol, uh, listen, honey...

I know you're really excited about the baby,

but we're just here for the two of us, huh.

Can't we send the little tyke back to its womb for the night?

You're right. I won't talk about the baby any more tonight.

Aw... [KISSES]

[BAND SPLAYING IT HAD TO BE YOU]

Honey. That's our song.

Let's dance? You want to dance?

Oh, I'd love to Frank, but I'm pooped.

It must be the pregnancy.

Yes, well rest. We'll just rest. We'll rest.

Besides, I want to save all my energy for later.

-Oh, Frank. -What?

There's the little baby I saw in the parking lot today.

[GASPS] Isn't he the cutest?

Cute as a button.

[COOING]

Hi, hi. Oh.

He's just the sweetest.

Yes, you are. You're just a wittle cutie.

Would you like to hold him?

[GASPS] Oh, yes.

Oh, hello, hello

Oh, look, he's kicking his legs.

Do you wanna dance?

Do you wanna dance?

-[BAND CONTINUES PLAYING IT HAD TO BE YOU] -Yes, that's right.

[SINGING] ♪ It had to be you

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, that's it. We're all out of quizzes.

I know what we'll do. Ha, we'll make up our own quiz.

Ah, yes. Okay.

All right, this is going to be hot, okay.

What is your fantasy

of being swept off your feet by a guy?

-Oh, me first. -Okay.

Um... All right.

The Dallas Cowboys have just won their tenth Super Bowl

and Troy Aikman has been named MVP.

Now, he's just about to run off the field when someone asks,

"Hey, Troy, you've just won the Super Bowl.

"What are you going to do now?"

And he says, "I'm taking Al Lambert to Disneyland."

Yeah, all right, yeah.

Yeah...

Okay. My turn.

All right, I am at the Academy Awards

and I've just won an Oscar for best...

Everything. [LAUGHS]

Anyway, Tom Cruise,

who has admired me from afar,

is so captivated by my...

Everything, that he dumps that Nicole person

and whisks me off to Malibu in that tasty little Mercedes

he drove in The Firm. [LAUGHS]

Ooh, good one, yeah.

[SCOFFS] You call those fantasies?

[SCOFFS] Please. Listen and learn.

All right...

Picture this.

The New Mexico Desert.

A deserted highway.

It's hot.

It's dusty.

My car is broken down. I'm stranded.

Suddenly,

from out of nowhere

comes a man on a Harley.

[MIMICS HARLEY ENGINE]

Now... [CLEARS THROAT]

This is not just any man,

but Brad Pitt.

BOTH: Oh, wow.

[GIRLS SIGH]

He is wearing nothing but tight, ripped jeans and a smile.

Sweat is trickling down his chest

and over that rippled, washboard stomach.

[INHALES SHARPLY] He pulls over.

I hop on his bike.

And I have nothing to hold onto but his chest hair as we ride off into the sunset.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

I have never been so proud to be your sister.

Frank.

-[CHUCKLES] -Whoa.

Oh, Frank, a fire, it's so romantic.

Well, romantic is my middle name.

-[KISSES] -Hmm...

Oh, Frank, you know, when I was in the bathroom,

-I just had the greatest idea. -No, don't, don't.

-Whisper it in my ear. -Okay.

[WHISPERING] Why don't we make our own baby food?

What?

You know, we can buy our own vegetables and puree them.

They'd be really good for the baby.

Carol, would you stop with the baby!

Frank, what is your problem?

My problem is this weekend was supposed to be for us

and all you've done is talk about the baby.

It's like all baby radio. All baby all the time.

Oh, I get what this is all about.

You're not happy we're having a baby.

I love the idea that we're having a baby.

But I would like to have a wife.

You have a wife. I'm right here.

No, no, your body is here, but your mind is always on the baby.

Honey, you're only two months pregnant and I feel like I'm invisible already.

Carol, you are not just my wife,

you're my best friend.

I feel like I've lost my best friend.

You do?

Well, yeah. I do.

Oh, Frank!

I had no idea you felt that way.

Uh...

Honey, I know it's, it's hard for you, I mean,

the baby is in there. You're its mother.

It's growing. It needs you.

But I'm your husband.

I need you, too.

Oh, Frank.

[SIGHS]

I just have been so obsessed with the baby and being a good mom,

I guess I haven't been fair to you.

Frank, I love you so much.

I would never want you to feel invisible.

Will you forgive me, please?

[LAUGHS AND KISSES]

Hmm. Yeah...

Hmm, may I have this dance?

Okay.

[SINGING] ♪ It had to be you

[EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY]

♪ It had to be you ♪

Check.

Check.

Check mate.

Wow.

No one's ever beaten me at chess before.

Well, get used to it, baby.

How about a game of Trivia Challenge?

I'll let you pick the category.

Okay.

"World Capitals."

You vixen.

Ethiopia?

Addis Ababa.

Azores?

Ponta Delgada.

Burkina Faso?

Ouagadougou.

The United Arab Emirates?

Abu Dhabi.

Hand check.

Okay, but I want to see three feet on the floor at all times,

or I'm gonna turn the hose on you.