Original subtitles

Thanks for organizing this study group, Dana.

I'm just glad it's a quiet day around here.

[AIR HORN TOOTING]

Hey, yo, dudes,

check out my new cheese hat, man, and my air horn.

I got them for the football games at school.

[AIR HORN TOOTS] [CODY LAUGHS]

Pretty, cool, huh? [LAUGHS]

Cody, um, would you please get your air horn and your cheese head out of here?

Okay? This is a study group.

Whoa.

The Dana burger and The Brainiacs, huh. [LAUGHS]

Hey, wow, that would be a pretty cool name for a band.

You guys should like go on tour, like trash a bunch of motel rooms. [LAUGHS]

Cody, uh, we're trying to study for a test.

Tchyeah, well, I didn't mean like right now. [LAUGHS]

So, what are you guys studying?

Uh, philosophy.

Get outta here! I'm in that class, too.

We know.

It's hard to miss someone waving his arms and screaming,

"Professor, dude! I'm all over this one!

"Tchyeah!"

Tchyeah. [LAUGHS]

Dana, I got a killer idea.

Why don't you let me in your study group?

[LAUGHS]

Cody, uh, you know, that would be a slice of heaven,

but unfortunately, we are full.

But, I can put you on the waiting list though.

Righteous. Hey.

And to show you how much I appreciate that,

I am going to let you wear my cheese hat.

[LAUGHS]

Cool, now you're the Dana burger with cheese. [LAUGHS]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Oh, hi, honey. No time for breakfast.

I'm running late.

Frank, I need to talk to you about something important.

Uh, did I forget to put the toilet seat down? Honey, I'm sorry.

No, it's, it's a lot more important than that.

Well, can't it wait, honey? I'm really running late.

I think I'm pregnant.

[COUGHS]

What's the matter, Daddy? Did something go down the wrong pipe?

[STILL COUGHING] You could say that.

Well, next time, you should be more careful.

Yeah.

Carol, you think you're pregnant?

Now, how did this happen?

Well, you should know.

You were there, yelling "Yabba dabba do!"

I know how it happened,

but I thought we were taking precautions.

Well, we are, but nothing is a hundred percent sure, except abstinence.

And, we can't seem to work that out.

A baby? Oh.

I'm too old to have a baby.

You're too old?

Well, I'll tell you what, Frank,

just to help you out,

I'll carry this one.

I'll even throw in the morning sickness,

and the stretch marks,

and the breast feeding. Anything to help you out.

I'm sorry, okay? Now listen,

well, maybe you're not even pregnant.

Yeah, you're right.

No sense getting all crazy until we find out for sure.

You know, maybe we should buy one of those home pregnancy tests.

Oh, that's a good idea.

You know, I'm really backed up at the beauty shop today. Could you pick one up?

[STUTTERING] Me go down the women's aisle?

Carol, you know how I feel about that.

Feminine hygiene is no place for a man.

Oh, Frank, grow up.

Okay, okay, I'll get it, I'll get it.

But I'm gonna wear my tool belt.

Just so there's no mistaking which side of the aisle I'm on.

Uh, JT,

um,

do you know Kevin Lewis?

Oh, sure. He lives down the street. He's a great guy.

He tells the funniest jokes.

Good, 'cause I'm going out on a date with him tonight.

No way. The guy's a pig.

Well, I thought you just said he was a great guy.

Well, yeah,

that was before I knew you were going out with him.

Now he's slime.

You know, you're not helping me here.

This is my first real date and I'm kind of nervous.

I could really use your advice.

Look, Al, here's my advice.

"Stay away from guys." Okay?

We're all scum.

Do you know what goes on in my mind when I'm out on a date?

It's disgusting.

You know, this is the last time I come to you for advice.

Well, good, because I don't want to hear about you or your sex life ever again.

Uh, hey, you guys busy?

I am, 'cause I'm doing my nails, but Dana's just doing her homework.

What's the problem, Al?

Well, I hate asking you guys anything,

but, uh, JT went psycho on me, so I've got no choice.

I'm kind of nervous because I'm going on my first real date tonight.

A date? [GIGGLES]

[GIGGLING] Oh, Al, this is so exciting.

I just knew one day, you'd shed that tomboy cocoon

and emerge as the butterfly of a woman you are. [GIGGLES]

Welcome to my world. [GIGGLES]

I knew this was a bad idea.

No, no, it's going to be great.

Now pay careful attention because I'm going to explain to you

"the art of dating."

Oh, God.

Anyway, the secret to dating is letting a guy think he's in charge,

when in fact, the woman is running the whole show.

The first date is the most important.

That's when you agree with everything he says.

Then, he falls hopelessly in love with you and you can control him forever

or until you find someone better.

Al, come here.

You're not buying this drivel, are you?

Well, Karen does seem to be popular with boys.

Look, there is no secret to dating, alright?

Just be yourself, you know?

And if you don't like what a guy has to say, set him straight.

Tell him what you think.

And if the idiot still disagrees,

do not back down.

Stick to your guns. Get in his face, if you have to.

I'm beginning to see why you get dumped all the time.

I'm all yours, Karen.

Right.

Now, there are three magic phrases that let the guy think he's in charge.

Number one:

"That is a great idea."

Number two: "Why didn't I think of that?"

And the clincher: "Wow, you are so smart." [GIGGLES]

[UNCERTAINLY] Guys actually fall for this?

They eat it up with a spoon.

Hi, Cody. Hi, honey. Hey, Uncle Frank.

Hey, dude, what'd you get at the store?

[EXCLAIMS] Stay away from that sack!

Whoa, major mood swing, huh?

I think somebody took one too many trips

to the cappuccino bar, huh, there, Uncle Frank?

[WHISPERING] Hey, I got the thing.

Frank, it's a home pregnancy test, it's not an atomic bomb.

Oh, Frank, you got the wrong kind of test.

I have to wait until tomorrow morning to take this one.

Didn't you read the label?

No.

Honey, I flew through that aisle, just knocked one into the basket,

then I went and bought some duct tape so I could feel like a man again.

Well, great, now I have to wait all day to find out if there's good news.

Good news? Are you saying you hope you're pregnant?

Well, I was thinking, you know, it'd be kind of nice if we had a baby.

It would be something that we made together.

Couldn't we just build a carport?

Nice attitude, Frank.

I'm sorry, honey, I don't mean to sound negative, but...

gee, I've been raising kids for almost twenty years now, I'm getting tired.

I wanted to have some time alone with you

while I still have my hair and you still have your...

...teeth.

Frank, I know what you're trying to say, but I miss having a baby, you know?

The way they feel when you're holding them.

The way they look up at you so adoringly.

The way they spit up all over your shirt.

Well, it doesn't really matter what we think. It's in God's hands now.

You're a guy. You know what I'm saying.

Oh, Frank, I'm so glad you're here. [GIGGLES]

I am proud to present my latest creation.

The new and improved Miss Al Lambert. [GIGGLES]

Wow. Al, I've never seen you look so... all grown up before.

Yeah, and I look pretty hot, too.

Now, Al, here's your purse filled with the essentials for your date.

Lipstick, mirror, money, and of course, a pencil and paper

in case a better looking guy asks for your phone number.

Thanks, Karen.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That must be my date. Dad, Dad,

promise you're not going to ask him any embarrassing questions.

Relax, pal, I will be a cool Dad.

Hey, Kevin. Hi, Al.

Uh, this is my Dad. Kevin, come on in.

And this is my sister, Karen.

Hi. Hi.

Mr. Lambert, I just want you to know I'll have Al back by eleven.

Fair enough. I just want you to know, I have a very extensive gun collection.

How about ten thirty?

Even better.

He's kidding about the gun collection.

Oh, funny.

Can we go?

Sure, what do you want to do?

How about a movie?

[KAREN CLEARS THROAT]

A movie? That's a great idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

Wow, you are so smart.

[CONFUSED] Thanks.

Well, uh, you guys should probably run along now.

Later, Dad. See ya, Karen.

KAREN: Bye. KEVIN: Bye.

That is so strange.

I've never seen Al suck up to a guy like that before.

Yeah. I taught her everything she knows.

Well, that explains a lot.

This stinks. We spent four days studying for this stupid test.

How did we all get Cs.

Well, let's just see what the professor had to say.

"Unoriginal, linear thought.

"Textbook definitions.

"Broad generalizations "

I can read.

Yes, but apparently, you can't write.

[LAUGHS]

You know, I think the professor's just trying to scare us before mid terms.

I bet he didn't give out any good grades.

Hey, yo, Dana, check it out.

I got an "A" on my Philosophy test.

Yeah, buddy.

I'm wearing my cheese hat to celebrate.

Once again, Lady Luck spits in my face.

Whoa. Hey, you know, you ought to be more careful who you hang out with.

So how did you guys do?

We all got "C's."

My God. How'd that happen? [GUFFAWS]

Man,

everybody in my study group got an "A."

What do you mean, "your study group?"

Well, when you guys were all filled up, you know,

I decided to form my own think tank.

Yeah, we're meeting in my van right now.

Any chance I can join your study group, Cody?

CODY: Sure.

Uh, yeah, uh, I want to join, too.

Hey, come on along, man. The more, the merrier. [GUFFAWS]

Hey, so, uh, Dana,

you want to join the "A Team," huh?

I'll let you wear my cheese hat.

[GROANS]

Yeah, buddy. [GUFFAWS]

Come on, we need your smiling face to brighten up the van.

[GUFFAWS]

All right, anything for an "A."

[GUFFAWING] Yeah, dudesie! All right.

[GUFFAWS]

You're a woman. Why do you keep doing this to me?

Hey, you want to come in for a soda?

Uh, no, thanks, it's getting late.

You're right.

I should probably be heading home.

You're right again. But, hey, you've been right about everything all night.

Sure.

I had a good time tonight.

Yeah.

Well, um, I'll see you.

When?

Look, Al,

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't think we'll be going out again.

This just didn't work out.

What do you mean?

When I asked you out, you seemed different

like you had your own opinions and you really stuck by them.

But, all you've done tonight is agree with everything I've said.

You're right. I mean, you're wrong.

I can be different, honest.

Look, it'll be better the next time we go out.

I don't think there's going to be a next time, Al.

No hard feelings, okay? It's no big deal.

Yeah, it's no big deal.

♪ Hush little baby, don't say a word

♪ Momma's gonna buy you a-- ♪

Hi, honey.

Hi, Carol.

What's the matter? Didn't your date go well?

[SIGHS] He dumped me.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know, I don't get it.

I did exactly what Karen told me to do.

Oh, no, not the three magic phrases.

Yeah.

Being dumped is the pits.

No wonder Dana's so crabby all the time.

Al, why were you trying to be like Karen?

Did you think about just being yourself?

You know,

everybody says, "Be yourself."

But how am I supposed to do that when I don't even know who that is anymore?

You know, I look in the mirror now,

my hips are curving all over the place, my boobs are popping out of my chest,

and my hormones are completely out of control.

Face it, Carol,

I'm a mess.

Oh...

Al, you're not a mess,

you're just a girl who's turning into a woman.

Well, nobody asked me about it and I'm not sure I like it.

You know, I used to watch the Packers and think,

man, that linebacker plays great defense.

Now I watch and think, man, that linebacker's got a great butt.

Number 58?

Yeah.

You've got good taste.

Look, Al, it's not easy being a fifteen year old girl.

You're going through so many changes.

And, I don't mean just your body.

It's your emotions, it's the way you look at the world, everything.

Man, it's really confusing.

I know, I know. But just hang in there.

I promise, everything will work out.

And on the days that you don't think it will, come to me.

We'll talk, we'll work it out together, okay?

Thanks, Carol. Okay.

[KISSES]

Uh, Carol...

you know...

you're a really great mom.

Hm.

[SIGHS]

I hope so.

Frank?

Yeah?

Do you realize, in the next few seconds, we're going to find out

something that can change the rest of our lives?

Well, now wait a minute, honey.

Whether or not we have a baby, the rest of our lives is going to be wonderful.

[BELL DINGS]

[SIGHS]

I can't look. Would you go in there?

Sure, sure.

[STUTTERING] I don't have to touch it, do I?

I'll, I'll go.

Uh, Carol,

I'm sorry, honey, it's negative.

Oh.

Okay.

I guess we're not going to have a baby after all.

Oh, no, honey,

here, here, here.

[SNIFFLES]

Come on now, I know you're disappointed,

but look at the bright side of things

I mean, in a few years, the kids'll be grown up,

and we can do all those things we've always dreamed of, huh?

Like taking a cruise to Alaska,

the wine tasting in the Napa Valley,

sunbathing on the nude beaches in the Riviera.

Frank, I don't remember having that dream.

That was probably one of mine.

But it's gonna be even better with you in it.

Yeah, especially, if I still have my...

...teeth.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come in.

Mom, can I borrow some conditioner?

Sure, go ahead.

Carol, I have a great idea.

Let's, you and I, drive up to that inn on the lake, huh?

And, have a romantic dinner. Just the two of us.

Oh, That sounds great.

Okay.

Mom, I can't believe this. You're pregnant?

Oh, no, it was just a false alarm.

No, it wasn't. It's blue.

Blue means you're pregnant.

No, Dana. It doesn't.

It says on the box, right here.

"Blue means you're pregnant."

[STUTTERING] What happened to the word "not?"

Frank.

Do you know what this means?

We're gonna have a baby.

We're gonna have a baby.

Ah.

Oh, God, we're gonna have a baby.

Oh, I am so happy.

Ah.

[UPBEAT SING PLAYING]