Original subtitles

-Oh hi, honey. -Hi.

Boy, this was one of those days

I love being in construction.

Yeah, why's that?

Well, cause it rained all day

and we sat around playing cards.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I have some news that will make you feel even better.

-Oh, yeah? -Brendan joined the school band.

[DISMAYED] Oh, no, not the band.

Why? What's wrong with that, Frank?

Well, nothing, if you've got talent, honey.

But he's a Lambert.

We're musical morons.

I mean, sure, we're good looking,

athletic and incredible lovers,

but we can't carry a tune in a scoop shovel.

Well, maybe Brendan will be the first Lambert who's a musical genius.

[EXCITEDLY] Hey, Daddy, listen to this.

[TRUMPET PLAYING]

Well, genius takes time, Frank.

Well, I'm going to go practice.

Thanks for making me join the band, Carol.

You made him join the band?

No, I didn't make him, exactly.

I sort of suggested...

Okay, I made him.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say my Lord

♪ I think I found someone

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're Putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step

♪ Day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Ooh, here's an interesting bit of historical trivia.

[READS] "Whitcomb Judson, invented the zipper in 1893.

But sadly, mankind wasn't ready for the zipper

and Judson soon died penniless,

never knowing he would someday

become a hero to millions of people who didn't have time for buttons."

Isn't that fascinating?

Mark... you need a woman.

Hey, it's Marky Mark and The Dana burger.

What's happening?

Hey, you guys are not gonna believe what I decided to do in college today.

Check this out.

I am joining a fraternity.

Ooh, that reminds me of an interesting bit of historical trivia.

Did you know

that the first fraternity at East Wisconsin University was established in 1864?

It was founded by Jedidiah Caldwell,

a dentist student who hailed from Kenosha, Wisconsin.

[CHUCKLES] Dude... Get a hobby.

-Maybe you're right, Cody. I need to shake up my life. -Yeah.

I think I'm going to go upstairs

and part my hair on the other side.

It's a start.

Cody, what fraternity, exactly, were you thinking about joining?

Uh, it's that big white house on the corner with all the dumpsters in the front.

I think it's called, uh, Delta Delta Burke.

Yeah, that's it.

You must mean, Delta Delta Beta.

Cody, you don't want to hang out with those guys.

They're sexist pigs.

Last week I was walking by there and some guy yells out,

"Hey, sweet cheeks, how about some afternoon delight?"

Well, what's wrong with that?

I mean, the gentleman

was obviously giving you a compliment on your wonderful complexion

and, uh, offered you a little herbal tea.

Cody, the "gentleman"

was making a chauvinist remark filled with sexual innuendo.

Oh, sure, if you want to read all that stuff into it.

Cody, they keep a live goat in their living room.

[EXCITEDLY] No way!

The Deltas are animal lovers?

Man, oh, God, those guys are awesome.

Dude, I'm gonna fit right in.

[TRUMPET PLAYING BADLY]

[TRUMPET PLAYS LOUDER]

Carol, I can't stand it.

It sounds like he's up there strangling a parrot.

Dad, you've got to make Brendan stop.

I think my ears are bleeding.

Can we bury little bugle boy in the backyard?

No, but we can make him practice in the garage.

Well, I think you all have a terrible attitude.

I bet Mozart's father didn't make him practice in the garage.

Carol, Mozart was a prodigy who composed concertos at the age of three.

It took Brendan that long just to master big potty.

Hey, guys. Listen to this cool song I made up.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

[MAKES NOISE]

What's it called, "An Elephant Horks Up a Hairball?"

No, it's called , "Flight of the Eagle."

Sounds like the eagle just hit a power line.

Well, don't listen to them, Brendan. I think it's a nice song.

-Really? -CAROL: Mm-hm.

I wrote another song. Want to hear it, everybody?

Oh, you know what? I forgot it's my night to wash the car.

-JT: I'll help. -AL: Me, too.

You play it for Carol though, buddy.

[FRANK TO JT AND AL] Quick, run.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Go ahead, Brendan. I'll listen.

[MAKES IRRITATING NOISE]

[GOAT BLEATING]

Okay, Mr. uh, Slovecke,

tell us why you should be admitted to Delta Delta Beta.

Well, l have an inquisitive mind,

good oral hygiene...

and a subscription to Modern Pathology Weekly

which I'd be happy to share with all the brothers.

Well, you sound like a real barrel of laughs.

Mr. Slovecke?

We'll get back to you real soon.

You hate me, don't you?

Pretty much.

Bye bye now.

Next.

Hey.

Wow, this place is so cool, man!

It's just like my van.

Only bigger... And messier.

-You must be Mr. Lambert. -Yeah.

I'm Chad Douglas, president of Delta Delta Beta.

CODY: Hey, dude.

Why don't you step up right here

and tell us why you'd make a good member of the Delta House.

Oh, cool! All right now.

Well, first of all, I'm like a real good listener.

Yeah, sometimes I hear people even when there's nobody talking.

And, uh, secondly, you know, I'm real good at fixing things,

like cars and bikes and, like, uh, plumbing and stuff.

Yeah and, probably the most fascinating thing about me

is that I can play, "The Star Spangled Banner" with my armpit.

Would you all please rise?

No, that's okay. We've heard plenty.

Would you mind waiting outside while we make our decision?

Oh, cool, no problem, man. Hey, dig it.

I'll just hang out on the porch

and shoot the breeze with the goat. [CHUCKLES]

[GOAT BLEATING]

Let's vote.

ALL: No.

DEKE: Hey, whoa, wait a minute.

I've talked to about 20 chicks

who said that they'd follow this guy

to any party on campus.

He's like a babe magnet.

Re-count.

[ALL ENTHUSIASTICALLY] Yes!

DEKE: Let's go, all right. ALL: Cody! Cody! Cody!

Oh, no way, I'm in?

Do you hear that, Walter, dude?

Yeah, I'm gonna be your fraternity brother.

Are we [BLEATS] b-a-a-a-d, or what?

Yeah, cool.

[GOAT BLEATS]

Dude, you guys. I'm in! I'm a Delta.

Yes, I have joined the long line of noble Greeks.

Like Euripides, Socrates, John Stamos.

-Congratulations, Cody. -Yeah. Thanks, Kare bear.

DANA: Congratulations?

I don't see what's so great about being admitted to a chauvinist pigsty.

Well that's where you're wrong, Dana.

Hey, check it out, man.

The Deltas are having a party this weekend

and they told me to invite every woman I saw.

That's right. They want to be knee deep in babes.

And you thought they were sexist.

[SARCASTICALLY] Gee, what was I thinking?

I don't know.

So, uh, what do you say, Dana?

Want to go hang out at the party with me and my Delta brothers, huh?

I'd rather put a live porcupine in my bra.

Oh, okay, if you've already got plans.

How about you, Kare bear?

[EXCITEDLY] Me? I I'd love to go.

I mean, going to a fraternity party is,

is one of the top ten things I've wanted to accomplish in my life.

There you go.

DANA: Karen.

These guys are slime.

Well, that's what you say.

-Cody thinks they're nice. -CODY: Yeah.

Well, Cody thinks everybody's nice.

He's too trusting.

But I'm telling you, you're going to go to this party,

you're going to have a bunch of guys ogling you

like you're some sort of calendar girl.

Really?

Oh, I wonder what I should wear?

Fine. Go to this party.

But I'm telling you, by the end of the night,

you're going to feel like a piece of meat.

Because these guys are rodents.

They're vermin. They're scum.

She's so negative.

[CHUCKLES]

You think she's crabby now, wait until she stuffs that porcupine in her bra.

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, Walter, dude.

You've been eating way too many cheese puffs.

We better get you outside, before you explode.

-Come on. -[WALTER BLEATS]

That's it buddy.

CHAD: Hey. How's the party?

Hey, wiki, wiki, hula, hula.

I'm really glad Cody brought me to the party. This is fun.

Boy, Karen, I can't believe you're in high school. You seem so mature.

[GIGGLES] Thank you.

And I love this flower in your hair.

It really brings out the color in your eyes.

Oh, you're just saying that to flatter me.

Go ahead, do it some more.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Good idea.

In fact, why don't we continue this conversation

at the next stop in the Delta house tour.

Where's that?

[CHUCKLES] My room.

Um, I think I'd rather stay down here.

Oh, no, I guarantee you'll have a lot more fun up there.

Look, I don't want to go up to your room.

Sure you do. You'll love it--

No. I said no.

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem. I just don't want to go up there.

[SCOFFS] What are you a virgin or something?

That's none of your business.

Wait a minute. You really are.

Hey, everybody, guess what we have here?

A real live virgin!

Wow, no lie, a virgin?

Whoa, hey, dudes, virgin in the house!

[ALL CHANTING] Virgin!

-[MORTIFIED] Stop it! -[CHANTING CONTINUES]

KAREN: Stop!

Stop that!

CODY: Hey, knock it off!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

CODY: I said, knock it off!

ALL: Whoa!

Chill out, Lambert. We were just having fun.

Hey, listen, pal, let'sget something straight, right now.

You don't go making fun of somebody because they're a virgin.

I'm a virgin.

You got a problem with that?

[GASPING FOR AIR] No, I respect your decision.

I knew you would.

And as for the rest of you monkeys,

where do you guys get off humiliating a sweet girl like Karen? Huh?

I mean, hey, disrespecting females is totally lame. Get a clue.

-You all right? -Yeah, I'm okay.

-Let's get out of here. -KAREN: Good idea.

[DOOR OPENS]

That guy's a loser. Who thinks like him, anyway?

I do. You guys are pigs. I'm out of here.

Me, too. See you later... Boys.

Ah big deal, so two chicks leave.

Okay, three.

Four...

Six...

Ten.

Okay, all of them.

Well, I guess I'm the only one left wearing a bra.

Shut up.

-Frank? -Yeah.

Honey, take a look at this article.

It's called, "Ten Spicy Ways to Heat Up Your Love Life."

Who needs spice when you're

married to the Blackened Catfish of Love?

[BRENDAN PRACTICING TRUMPET]

Oh, that does it.

The trumpet is going in the trash masher.

You can't do that, Frank. You'll crush his spirit.

I'm not going to crush his spirit.

I'm going to crush that horn.

Nice attitude, Frank.

What are you going to say to your son when you take his trumpet away from him?

I'm going to say, uh,

"Son, I love you,

but you're tone deaf.

You have no business playing an instrument.

You're a musical moron."

-[KNOCK AT DOOR] -Who is it?

BRENDAN: It's me, Brendan. I need to talk to you.

Go ahead, Frank.

This is your chance to have that warm father-son moment.

Okay.

[CLEARS THROAT] All right, son, come in.

Listen. I have to ask you a really important question.

But you have to promise to tell the truth.

Of course I promise to tell the truth.

What What is it?

Okay, here it goes.

Do you think I'm any good at the trumpet?

Why do you want to know?

Because you're my daddy and I want to know what you think.

Go ahead, Frank, tell your son what you think.

Well, son... [STAMMERS] I think, uh...

I think, uh...

[CHEERINGLY] I think for a guy

who's only been playing a couple of days, you're doing great.

-Really? -Yeah.

I'm real proud of the effort that you put in.

That's great, because I thought I stunk.

But if you say I'm okay, then I'm gonna keep playing.

FRANK: Oh, boy.

-I love you, Daddy. -I love you, too, son.

Goodnight, Daddy. Goodnight, Carol.

-Goodnight, sweetheart. -FRANK: Goodnight, pal.

Well, I guess you really told him, huh?

Well, honey, he sat there looking at me with those brown eyes,

that little puppy dog face.

I couldn't bear to break his heart.

Well, I think you did the right thing, Frank.

-You're a great dad. -FRANK: Yeah.

And great dads are very sexy.

Really?

Tickle me with your whiskers, you blackened catfish of love.

I love it when you talk fish talk.

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the I'm way too trusting

♪ I think people are good

♪ Even when they're slime

♪ And I almost got Karen in trouble blues ♪

Cody, can I talk to you for a sec?

Oh, don't bother, Dana.

I know what you're going to say,

that I'm way too trusting and that all the Delta dudes are pigs.

Except for Walter. He's a goat.

No, Cody, actually, I was gonna say thank you for helping Karen.

She told me what happened at the party.

Yeah, well, Karen wouldn't have gotten into any trouble in the first place,

if I hadn't taken her to that party.

You were right, Dana, I'm way too trusting.

I'm a sap.

No, you're not. It was an error in judgement.

It could happen to anybody.

Yeah, not to you. You're too smart.

Man, from now on, I'm going to be just like you.

Cynical, suspicious, big chip on my shoulder.

Is that really the way I come off?

Oh, yeah. Dude, you've got ice water in your veins.

Strike first and ask questions later.

You're the Dana-nator.

I don't know,

if I like being known as a mercenary killer robot.

Well, I'm your friend, you know,

so I know you're just trying to protect your vulnerable inner child.

But, uh, you scare the bejeezus out of everybody else.

Cody, if that's really the way people see me,

I don't think you should try and be more like me.

I think... and I can't believe I'm saying this,

that I could be more like you.

Really? You want to be more like me?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, yeah.

Dude, this is gonna be so cool.

Hey, I could get you a really cool van just like mine.

Dude, and we could trick out your hair, or something.

And, hey, I could teach you how to play the guitar

with nothing but your big toe.

Go ahead, take off your right shoe. Come here.

Cody, no, I don't want to be exactly like you.

I'm just saying that,

I guess I could lighten up the attitude a little bit.

I mean, yeah, people take advantage of you

once in awhile because you're too trusting.

But, it seems like you have more fun than I do.

Well, that's just 'cause you're wound up a little too tight.

Hey, you know what I always do when I want to loosen up?

I sing the blues.

Come on. Wail with me, Dana.

♪ I got the blues

[FORCING HERSELF] ♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the blues

♪ I got the everybody sees me

♪ As a mercenary killer robot

♪ But I want to lighten up

♪ And show my Vulnerable inner child

♪ So I can have some more fun

♪ Like the Codeman blues ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Everybody!

That's it, Dana. Shake that groove thing.

[EXCITED] Oh, honey, great news.

We are about to be rich.

A guy at work wants me to go into partnership with him

on a new restaurant. Are you ready for this?

International House of Toast.

International House of Toast?

Yeah. The International House of Toast.

I-HOT.

Honey, there's gonna be breads from around the world.

Toasters right at your table. You toast 'em where you sit.

What do you think?

I think this is why I have the checkbook.