Original subtitles

♪

♪ energetic music plays ♪

[announcer] Welcome to tonight's

Democratic Debate in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Good evening. I'm Lester Holt.

And after a party, you know I'm gonna help clean up.

Thank you, Lester. I'll take it "form" here.

From here, obviously.

First question -- do you all wanna answer a question

or just dogpile Michael Bloomberg?

-[candidates] Bloomberg! -[Warren] BLOOOOMBERRRRG!!

Wow. Okay. It looks like we're starting, and I haven't

even said the rules you're going to ignore.

Mike Bloomberg epitomizes the lawless oligarchy

corroding the foundations of our democracy!

[Cheers and applause]

Liz Warren's back on the map, baby!

Why do I feel like I'm already off the map?

Hey, Bloomberg! You can't buy this election!

You gotta earn it! Like me!

By keeping your eyes from rollin' out of your head

till November! Hey, I'm not perfect,

but at least I'm not a bloodless corporate shill

posing as a humble mayor!

Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg.

Mr. Bloomberg, what do you say to those who point

to your stop-and-frisk policy

as evidence of your racial bias against minorities?

The point of this debate is to make me appear likeable,

not to discuss my undeniably racist past as mayor.

Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg again.

You know what? Just let me know when it's my turn.

Since this is my first debate

and my entrance fee was $300 million,

at least give me a chance to introduce myself.

Ahem. [beep]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

[man] I like the one who did the money!

Listen, Amy. I may not have

foreign-relations experience, per se, but I have ordered

[Hispanic accent] huevos rancheros at brunch

multiple times!

Are you mocking me?

Because the last guy who mocked me was Kirk Douglas!

AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED!

Okay, I may own three houses, but let me assure you

I do not heat them, and the rugs are unbearably itchy.

And now a message from tonight's sponsor.

Hi. I'm Mike Bloomberg.

-Oh, come on! -Hey, Bloomberg!

The best way to defeat Donald Trump is to vote

for someone nominally different than him

so you can feel better about yourself

while the world stays exactly the same.

[metal creaking] Hey! What the --

Shh. Amy wants to play a little game!

Hey, folks! There's a lady up in the rafters!

Okay, enough folksy adages, Mr. Vice President.

I'm trying unsuccessfully to moderate.

[Klobuchar] Hey, Pete! How do you say

"do not resuscitate" in Español?!

Huevos rancheros. That's all from Nevada.

Only 48 states to go before the brokered convention.

♪

Hey, folks! Give me a heads-up

if my ears start bleedin', would ya?

♪

♪ ominous music plays ♪ [thunder crashes]

[Bloomberg] That debate was a nightmare.

Gentlemen, I have to be honest.

I'm having second thoughts about buying this election.

[adviser 1] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me

American hero Michael Friggin' Bloomberg

is throwing in the 10,000 thread count towel!

[adviser 2] Us billionaires are counting on you to keep

the lights on in our summer homes

and the lights off in our sensory deprivation tanks!

I'm just not sure I have it in me.

My campaign manager said I might have to shake a hand.

[adviser 3] But without you, we can kiss the dream of

liberal, socially conscious oligarchy goodbye!

[sighs] I need some fresh air. [door closes]

-Whew! -Yikes.

[adviser 1] Anyone here have a good grotto cleaning guy?

Pushed mine off my balcony.

[Bernie] And billionaires...

We need to stop flat wages...

...and strengthen the middle class!

They're radicalized! Something must be done!

Watch where you're going, billionaire!

♪ somber music rises ♪

[Bloomberg] Hillary!

A billionaire's only hope.

♪ news theme plays ♪ I'm Jake Tapper,

and I ask people what they got on their SAT

hoping they'll immediately toss the ball my way.

1510.

Donald Trump's back in the news today,

this time for attacking the Kurds.

Here to cover for him,

Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow.

I think Trump's really unraveling.

[whispering] Shut the fuck up! [normal voice] Hey, Jake!

No one understands the plight of the Kurdish people

like Donald Trump.

Then, how do you respond to this?

I don't know jack shit about the Kurds

except that they're a proud people that the United States

bears a moral responsibility to abandon.

That was taken way out of context.

He'll support the heck outta the Kurds

and their battle to defeat ISIS.

Then, how do you respond to this?

Ah, shi...

I'm not really vibing with the Kurds or ISIS.

I'm kinda hoping Robert Kraft goes over there

and starts his own tribe.

If you can defend that, you must be unhealthily

obsessed with being on television.

Coming up, I interview myself

about the time I serenaded my wife at our wedding.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, Bill. Is Hillary home?

Hillary? She's out in the barn.

I'd take you, but I'm not allowed out of the house.

Peep the shock collar. No problem, I'll head aroun--

It's because of my storied, criminal history of sexual --

Bill, the less we know about your deal, the better.

Bill, back in the house! [click, Bill screams]

Hillary, it's Michael Bloomberg!

I spoke at your convention

between Henry Kissinger and Lena Dunham.

Oh! Hi! You can be the first

to try some of my homemade hot sauce,

a non-calculated passion of mine!

Forget the sauce. The billionaires need a voice.

You need to run for president.

I'm much happier spending the rest of my life

writing books about courageous women

with my daughter, Chelsea, who I, um...

Love? Exactly. Thank you.

But the people want you.

Just look at these polls I planted in Bloomberg News.

With my money and your politics for hire,

there's nothing stopping us from stopping socialists

from stopping me from hoarding wealth.

♪ bright music plays ♪

Imagine if we could go on television

without having to defend that teetotalin' wet ass.

Without the mic guy purposefully electrocuting me

with a white-hot frayed wire?

I used to rule TV --

ranting about the Dow, lit as all hell,

with the Jim Cramer!

[knocking] Knocky-knocky!

I need you to dress to the Tapper tens

because I just had my most grounded and rational idea yet.

[both groan] To wrap up this trade war,

what if we rammed naval ships into --

don't judge yet -- Chinese shipping freights?

It's brilliant in its stupidity, but I'm just not sure that --

Aaaand tweeted. [cellphone swishes]

All right. Choppy-choppy! You're on at 4 p.m.

[cellphone dings] No way! I'm goin' viral!

♪ soft music plays ♪

[Chelsea] When my mother and I wrote

"The Book of Gutsy Women," it wasn't all work.

-[woman] Ha ha! -[man] Wow!

-[groans] -Sometimes, we took a break

to live, laugh, and gossip about entertainment news.

Right, Mom?

It's fun writing books with my daughter,

who I, uh...

Love. Right.

[chuckling] So say it, silly!

What is it -- your birthday?

Yes, it is. I'm 40.

Happy birthday. There. I said it!

-Run, Hillary! -Yeah! Go for it!

No, that's behind me.

I'm now focused on being toured around

like a book-slinging circus monkey.

[man] But all of us who stood in line for four hours

just to get a glimpse of the back of your head

agree you're the best candidate!

[all cheering] [woman] Yeah!

All of you?

♪

[President Trump] Larry? Connie?

It's Tapper O'Clock! Why aren't you defending me?!

I've thought of a thousand ways to justify

this battleship ramming scheme, and all of them are war crimes!

[line ringing] Shh! It's ringing.

[cellphone rings]

I also made it so it can fart.

[fart] That's what mine sounds like!

Hello? This is the GOAT of all time, Elon Musk.

[Kudlow] Hey, lame guy the science guy...

pack your solar-powered luggage or whatever

'cause your country needs you.

As long as the country is not Thailand, I'm in.

[Chelsea] Here's what I'm thinking

for the next five years.

We pen the story of a racially ambiguous daughter

named Lakelynne White, who opens a small, diverse hedge-fund.

Lakelynne courageously uses her earnings

to run an inclusive smear campaign

against Ilhan Omar.

Hillary, we need you.

Jeffy?!

Mother! Chime in.

Uh, I, guess, Lakelynne can meet a...

[chuckles] barista?

Mother, don't pluck my tulip.

I know you're thinking about being President again.

You know how sometimes when you're talking to me,

I pause for a few seconds then say, "Interesting"?

That's because I'm thinking about being President.

As much as I like copy-pasting Wikipedia articles

on suffragettes into Microsoft Word with my mother,

at the end of the day, I'm with her!

Go, Mother!

Chase your dream for the third time!

Interesting.

♪ ominous music plays ♪ [thunder crashes]

[Bloomberg] It's time we brace ourselves

for the looming class revolution.

Thursday's usual 24-ounce wagyu strip

will have to be replaced by... a 14-ounce wagyu filet.

[bankers] No! They're treating us

like human beings.

We're billionaires, damn it! [door opens]

Order that strip, Michael!

And get one for me, with a side of hot sauce,

a condiment I enjoy independently

of its relation to the black vote.

Because I'm running for President!

[bankers cheering]

Thank you, rich God.

♪ uplifting music plays ♪

♪

[Hillary] If we're going into battle,

we need our breathable rayon armor.

Blue. Hillary Clinton.

Connotes leadership, power, rigidity.

Brownish-grey. Chelsea Clinton.

Connotes subservience,

laughing when it's not that funny,

walking behind me when the sidewalk gets too narrow,

peeling an orange so ridiculously slow,

you have to go take a walk

just to not scream. Okay, thank you, Mother.

Green. Huma Abedin! [ting!]

Connotes poise, perfection, daughterliness.

Didn't Huma's husband, Anthony Weiner,

single-handedly annihilate your last campaign?

We all have a perverted husband

whose sexual addiction dissolves our political career.

But this time, we are playing it safe.

You can do whatever you want to each other!

Just don't leave the yard!

Fresh air, acorns, sprinkler --

I've done way worse with way less!

♪ slow R&B music plays ♪

[Conway] Okay, Elon, this better be worth

the billion dollars we siphoned from CHIP.

What is that?

[Musk] It's an Oval Office simulator.

It will deadass make the President think

all his orders are being followed A-F as fuck.

But no transmissions will go in or out.

You can say "Bye, Felicia" to defending him on television.

Go ahead. Say it. [both] Bye, Felicia.

Lé cool. I'm here for this.

Cue the simulator!

Ass-ass, Captain!

[zapping]

♪ triumphant music plays ♪

The key to any successful campaign is small-dollar donors.

Let's split up. You take the Bronx.

Remember -- no donation is too small.

Here's a coin pouch!

Yeah, let me rap

my 70-year-old knuckles on a million doors, or...?

Add as many zeros as it'll take to win.

The campaign announcement is tomorrow.

Are you available to volunteer for our

"Count Me In" phone bank in Gowanus?

Hillary, uh, who is this?

Go wait in the stairwell, Chels. Mommy's panhandling.

♪ mysterious music plays ♪

Was there always a freezing-cold elevator ride

to the Oval Office?

Uh, yeah, you built it.

They gave you the Nobel Prize for it.

Yeah, and you guys said I couldn't build it!

Remember? [both] Uh-huh.

Stand by. That feeling when the eagle has landed goals.

What's this joystick doing here?

[Conway] Uh, that's the same joystick

George Washington used to fight the Pilgrims.

Fight the Pilgrims. Yeah, I know.

[whirring]

Howdy, Mr. Trump! I'm Charlie!

Are you ready for your day as President? Wa-goo!

Who's Charlie? He's kinda scary.

Only the coolest White House mascot on Earth!

What the fuck am I even saying?

Select a mission! Lunch or de-escalating

Turkey's military operations in Northern Syria?

Well, you can't eat Syria.

You've selected "Lunch."

How many pounds of lunch would you like?

[voice breaking] No one's ever asked!

[cheers and applause]

I stayed up all night writing the speech

because I was so excited

and because you only booked a two-bedroom

so I had to sleep in the lobby

with a bag of Minute Maid apple juice as a pillow.

Lordy, was that the speech?

Mom, I'm gonna rock this. Check this out.

"The degradation of norms has never been more..."

Boring! Check this out.

"A lot of people are using their apps

to listen to Lizzo." Pause for woo-woo's.

"But I think they should Lizz-show up on Election Day

and vote for Hillary Clinton!"

[Huma chuckles]

If you can brilliantly interweave pop culture

with revolutionary status-quo ideology like that,

you got the gig.

"The cruelty and incompetence

of this administration

has never been more... Riverdale?"

That's a Lizz-no from me, dawg!

[Huma chuckles] Wait!

"A lot of teens are watching The C-W...

My God.

...but I wanna know...

how can we have those teens

'C' Hillary to the 'W' House?"

Huma, could you go get Chelsea the purple pant suit?

The one that connotes tolerability?

[Charlie] Waaaa-goo, Mr. President!

You've rammed a Chinese ship,

received a public apology from Bette Midler,

inspired a standing ovation at the Teen Choice Awards,

and planted Jim Acosta in the path of a lawnmower!

Ahh! Gotta pop open a window, and hear that Acosta squeal!

[alarms blaring]

-Oh, my God! We're done for! -Not the window!

Oh, he's being extra, and it's, like, low-key not a mood.

Release the golden hat! [click]

[bell dinging] Congratulations!

Your ninth lunch has somehow brokered peace

between the Kurds and the Turks!

I had a feeling it might.

You've unlocked a golden hat!

Whoa, ho, ho,ho!

I've always wanted this thing I just found out about.

[Ludlow] Holy crap! It worked!

We've trapped the President in a glorified phone game!

Who's to say we're all not living in a phone game?

Who's to say we're all not simply living in a phone game?

Yeah, we heard you.

[Holt] Breaking news.

As has been long-rumored and instinctually feared,

Hillary Clinton is officially

entering the race for the Democratic nomination.

The Beast of Benghazi,

the Satan of the Servers

has awoken from her four-year volcanic slumber!

Rise all ye minions to battle!

[spittle, shofar blares]

How entitled do you have to be to try and steal

the presidency I'm entitled to?

I'll start drafting my passive-aggressive endorsement.

It's 63 degrees today --

she'll get a sun stroke and drop out.

[cheers and applause]

[rock music playing]

[music fades]

A lot of people are using Instagram.

[man] Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

But this President's domestic policies

have me sliding out of his DMs

and into the voting booth!

[laughter]

In fact, I think

he can't honor his sacred oath to the Constitution

because he's too busy eating hamberders!

-[woman] Whoo! -[man] I love politics!

This speech will seal the deal.

I think we're looking at our next

Deputy Press Secretary for North African Digital Outreach.

Without further ado, please welcome

the winner of the 2016 popular vote...

[cheers and applause]

...and the winner of the 2020 electoral vote...

[cheers and applause] [man] Uh-huhhh!

...and the only candidate whose campaign will be funded

entirely by the billionaire class!

[cheers and applause stop] [man] Ha ha...yeah!

Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg is bankrolling her campaign

as long as she continues to keep his tax bracket

at a rate of zero or below!

[man] Uh, what's this?

In the words of my mother not one hour ago...

Don't quote me, don't quote me.

...quote, "I can rap my 70-year-old knuckles

on a million doors,

or I can strut into the Bloomberg building

and sell America's soul

to the ninth-richest man in the world!"

[crowd booing wildly]

Lizz-oh my God.

[booing continues]

Hillary Clinton seems to be alienating

the coveted "voter" demographic,

while President Trump hasn't had a single recent controversy.

Here to comment, Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow.

We're proud to announce that, this week, the President

hasn't tweeted a single genocidally complicit tweet.

♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-baaaa! ♪

That's great. Okay. Bye-bye!

Wait! No questions or condemnations or anything?

Eh, since the President hasn't said or done

anything reprehensible, there's nothing to discuss.

In other news, j-- [screaming gibberish]

Did the President just do something outrageous?

I j-- I just wanted to, uh...

Are you caught up on The Masked Singer?

Kelly, the interview's over. I'm a serious newsman,

and you're wasting my precious air time.

[both] Nooooooo! Coming up, I'll share

one of the cartoons I made during office hours.

[Hillary] Billionaires buying my influence

is for us to know...

and for the American people to find out

when they're forced to buy their own surgical tools off Amazon.

I just wanted to be a leader like you,

but I'm a no-good sole heir to the most un-killable

political dynasty in the modern era.

Don't worry. Your father's proclivities

have made me an expert on quashing scandals.

Thank you, Mother! I knew you'd always be there for --

Chelsea Clinton is no longer associated

with this campaign or family!

It's sick, what she did!

She's the bad Clinton now. Everyone write that down.

In her stead, we will be adopting a new daughter,

Huma Abedin!

We look forward to a peaceful transition.

What's all this?

We'll talk about it later, Chels!

♪ Awk-ward ♪ [laughter]

♪

Tapper, baby, wassup, man?

You need some guests for the show today?

You can roll your eyes while Larry and I rationalize

the President fracking an inner-city playground!

The President's old hat. No one's heard from him in days.

And you two are getting on a Tapper's last nerve!

[cellphone beeps] I'm so glad he said yes.

[weakly] I can't wait to go on television...

Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!

Actually, hold on.

[toilet flushes]

Sorry. I had to flush my old drugs down the toilet.

It was from an old jacket.

You know, I'm off that stuff now.

That's old Kudlow. New Kudlow -- clean Kuds!

Anyway, let's get you some help.

Okay. Now someone can call!

[Chelsea] I hope you're happy, Mother!

I am so politically toxic, Simon & Schuster said

"Color-Blind Hedge-Fund: The Lakelynne White Story"

has been shelved! Take a step back.

I did what's best for Americans, specifically one American, me.

I was so wrong to spend my every waking minute admiring you!

Dad, let's go. Sorry, Chels!

Your mother has a manilla folder

that makes our arrangement extremely binding.

I need to get out of this house.

I'm getting a four-star hotel.

I'll charge the foundation.

Yeah, I know how to charge the foundation myself!

♪ tense music playing ♪

If you're gonna Lizz-go, then just Lizz-go!

[sobbing]

♪

[Cooper] Welcome to tonight's Democratic Debate.

I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've never once felt

a hint of imposter syndrome.

Hi, Andy. How's your new Springer Spaniel?

Please refrain from revealing we all know each other socially.

Secretary Clinton, what do you think your voice brings

to the 2020 primary election?

I'm just here to represent the issues of my constituents.

And billionaires, according to your own daughter! Boom!

[crowd] Oooohhhhh!

I can take the heat.

Otherwise, why would my bag contain hot sauce?

Hey! Cultural appropriation is my gaffe. Get your own!

Look, Hillary, w-we don't need you.

We got your whole thing covered.

I'm the billionaire shill, Warren's the pissy mom,

Bernie's the one with a hospital bracelet,

and Pete's the one who wants it too bad!

Hey! Hey! Can I say something?

I just wanted to say

that there's still some work to be done in Iraq.

[crowd booing wildly]

I'm still mad at her, but she's got a point about Iraq.

♪

[Kudlow] Hey, let's just watch Tapper until the cops get here.

Pretend he's scolding you!

Hillary Clinton's back in the race,

which brings us to tonight's

President Chump: Hillary Edition.

Hillary Clinton is racing for the Democratic nomination.

But without Chelsea Clinton,

her political boat has started to...rock,

a genre of music made famous by British celebrity

Keith Richards. [electric guitar strums]

No comment has been made by President Chump,

which seems...fishy? [gargling, chomp!]

Perhaps the President is out to sea,

aboard his favorite vessel, the USS Unaccountable.

[horn blares]

And that's our show.

Sorry we didn't get to any news at all.

Stay with me, Kellyanne!

[weakly] Losing relevance...fast!

Broadcast television! Hurry!

♪ suspenseful music plays ♪

A chardonnay and a shot of hot sauce, please?

[waiter] Stop it.

Is this seat bought by the oligarchal class?

I just don't get it, Bernie.

I thought everyone wanted me to run again.

You ever love someone, but sometimes some of the things

they say make your skin crawl?

Chelsea! Is yours Chelsea, too?

What I'm saying is that's how America feels about you.

Just because everybody retweets you calling

Donald Trump "Lord Voldo-moron"...

So true! ...doesn't mean they trust you

to stand up to Wall Street executives

when you're sharing an au pair with them!

Maybe people would've liked me

if I had someone's "grassroots" endorsement!

Don't start. I campaigned for you more than anyone else!

[as Bernie] "Oh, I don't know. I guess if you have to vote,

vote for, uh, Hillary something."

It was a full-throated endorsement!

The throat was full!

♪ game music playing ♪

Thirty-six hours on, fifteen minutes off.

Time to get back to work. [Kudlow] Mr. President,

you need to come out of the Oval Office

and do something racist or start a fire or something.

-Charlie?! -No, idiot!

Charlie's not real!

We created a whole fake Oval Office

so we didn't have to defend you when you tweet stuff like

"Happy Labor Day to Whites and non-Whites alike."

I'd rather live in a simulated perfect world

where everything I say goes

than a sometimes rainy real world

where everything I say goes.

Waaa-goo! -[Kudlow] But, Kellyanne, man.

S-She needs broadcast television, stat.

She's gonna wither away!

[sarcastically] Oh, no! One of my employees is in peril!

[normal voice] There's no words you could say, Kudlow --

not one string of words in the world

that could possibly pull me

out of this incredibly stinky paradise.

Hillary Clinton's

running for President. You say what now?

[Hillary] Chelsea? It's Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Go away, Mother! I'm drinking my pillow!

I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Sure, writing books with you never made me happy,

and, sure, I still wish I could fuse

some of my blood into Huma's and slap your name on her,

but at the end of the day, the daughter I've been given

thinks I'm pretty cool,

and that's been great for my ego.

[sighs] And I'm sorry, too.

It was selfish of me to try and make you proud.

From now on, I'll stick to elevating your image,

no matter how passed out in an unmarked van

from heatstroke you are.

I forgive you, Chelsea.

Now, what do you say we call off this campaign

and get back to scouting Craigslist

for desperate ghostwriters?

[grunting and growling]

Hillary!

[elevator bell dings]

Must...roast...Hillary!

No bars! Can't tweet! [groans]

Hillary!!!

[Tapper] Breaking: Hillary Clinton

has suspended her campaign, the shortest

and most whip and nae-nae filled in history.

Let's take it live.

I have bad news for the 200 million Americans

who planned to vote for me this November...

[elevator bell dings]

[grunting] Turn on the cameras!

I have to insult Hillary!

This campaign was never about me.

It was about the millions of Americans who idolize me.

But it's time for me to make room for the new Blue wave.

That's why I'm endorsing

fresh-thinking up-and-comer Jeff Bezos!

A chicken in every pot, a crap in every pants.

And now my nice daughter, Chelsea,

will say a few words. I n--

And we're cutting away from Hillary's campaign suspension

to the White House, where Donald Trump has emerged

a little worse for wear.

[grunts] Ohh!

[slurring] Crooked Hillary needs to be locked up!

She's colluded with John McCain,

with Benghazi because she's inside the Ukraine!

Rehr-rehr! Don't let her get away!

Now, who on Earth would defend

this kind of behavior from the President?

Well, helloooo, Jake!

Aaggghhhhh! It's great to be back.

The fake news media are once again spreading baseless lies.

The President wishes Hillary well.

[President Trump] Public trial! Town square!

You're really gonna stand by that,

even though it directly contradicts

the live feed we have of him yelling?

That's right! We may be permanently

eroding America's faith in its sacred institutions,

but at least we're on TV. [[President Trump shouting]

Amen to that!

Always a pleasure, Jake, you lying fuck!

♪ upbeat music plays ♪

[Chelsea] "And then Lakelynne White realized

she should remain secretary of her mother's trust fund

and lived happily ever after.

The end." Interesting.

It's so good to be writing again now that this whole

"running for President" thing is behind you.

I don't need to be President to be happy.

All I need is my bulletproof ego

telling me that I could easily be President if I wanted,

and my daughter, Chelsea, who I...

[wretching] ...love!

Mom! You said it! Yes, I did.

Now go fetch mommy's Saudi burner phone.

2024 is around the corner!

['80s-style pop music plays]

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

♪ Yes, he is ♪

♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump ♪

♪ He is our president ♪

♪ We made him president ♪

♪ We did it ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Trump!