All language subtitles for Once.Upon.A.Mattress.2005.PROPER.DVDRip.XviD-NEPTUNE

# Many moons ago
in a far-off place

# Lived a handsome prince
with a gloomy face

# For he did not have a bride

For the queen,
you see, was very picky

about whom the prince
should marry.

She insisted that only a real princess
was suitable for her son.

And so, every lady who came to
the castle hoping to wed the prince,

was given a royalty test

to see if she was a true princess.

# For a princess is
a delicate thing

# Delicate and dainty
as a dragonfly's wing

# You can recognize a lady
by her elegant hair

# But a genuine princess

# Is exceedingly rare #

Correct.

Next.

This next question
concerns famous rulers.

Name three kings.

Three kings. Uh...

King John.
King... Arthur.

King Ethelred?

Correct.

You see, Mama,
she is the best one yet.

- Can I marry her now?
- Not yet, sweetheart.

Not yet.
There's still one more question.

Wizard.

I can't believe none of us can
get married till the prince does.

What was that?

Oh... I was just stating
the marriage law, Your Majesty.

Oh. Well, perhaps
you could state it

for the entire court,
Lady Larken.

Yes. The marriage law.

- Louder.
- The marriage law.

Throughout the land no one may wed
till Dauntless shares his marriage bed.

Good.
You may continue.

This last question has four parts

and concerns a famous man
known as the Knight of the Red Cross.

One: what was his name?

Two: what beast did he slay?

Three: how many rows of teeth
did the beast have and what kind?

And four:

what was the middle name of the
daughter-in-law of the best friend

of the blacksmith who forged the sword
that killed the beast?

All right, then.

One, St. George.

Two, the dragon.

Three, 1 2 rows of teeth
made of iron,

And four...
Could you repeat the last question?

Middle name.
Daughter-in-law.

Best friend.
Blacksmith.

Right, right.
I know this.

Ticktock, ticktock.

It was Ada!

Ohhhhhh. I'm sorry.

So close,
but the actual answer was Ida.

Thanks for playing.

Oh, what a shame.
Such a pretty little thing too.

You do show some aptitude, my dear,
but remember, blood will tell.

And yours didn't
tell us quite enough.

# For a princess is
a delicate thing

# Delicate and dainty
as a dragonfly's wing

# You can recognize a lady

# By her elegant hair

# But a genuine princess

# Is exceedingly rare #

Goodbye, good luck and get out.

These emotional outbursts
are so tiresome.

Sextimus! If I have told you once,
I have told you a thousand times.

I will not have you playing
these foolish games

and making an absolute idiot
of yourself.

It just isn't dignified.

Even though you're unable to speak,
you are still the king.

It's up to you to set a proper example
for the court.

And as for you, jester,

I would appreciate it
if you'd stop encouraging him.

You're just as bad as he is.

Ohhhh, the things I have to
put up with around here.

If it weren't for me,
this kingdom would fall apart.

It would absolutely go to pieces.

Don't dilly-dally, Dauntless, darling.

It's nearly time for your cocoa.

All right, what is it?

I'm beginning to think
you don't want me to get married.

Don't want you to get married?
Dauntless, don't you trust me?

- Of course, but...
- Then how can you say such a thing?

I want you to get married.

This morning I said to your father,

"Sextimus, I want that boy
to get married."

- Then why can't I...
- He didn't say a thing. He never does.

Yet, I don't want you to worry
your tiny little head

over the fact that your father and I
don't get along and never have.

He may be a mean, stupid, selfish,
dreadful, rotten man,

but he is your father
and I want you to respect him.

There's only one person
who really cares about you

and your future, and that's what
I'm talking about now, your future.

Sweetiekins, you can't
just marry anybody.

She has to be someone suitable.

Someone who's good enough
and sweet enough and smart enough

for my good, nice, sweet,
smart, beautiful baby boy.

And she must be a genuine princess
of the royal blood,

just as I was.

That's what you really want,
someone like me.

Of course you do.

Just remember this:

You may search
the wide world over,

but you'll never find another.

Be it ever so humble,

there's no place like your mother.

Harry!

My darling.

You missed the test.

Sweet Larken,
my responsibilities

as Chivalric Knight
of the Herald keep me busy.

- She failed.
- No.

- Yes.
- Bad luck.

Harry, I want to get married.

Of course, Larken.
Once Dauntless shares his marriage bed.

Before that.

But that would be
breaking the law.

How could you expect me, Sir Harry,
Harry the lmmaculate,

Chivalric Knight of the Herald,
keeper of order and obedience,

future prime minister of the land,
to break the law?

Nothing is, or can be,
more important than the law.

Not even love?

Aren't you the silly one? Yes.

Love is important,

and if a princess is not found
in a few months, I will find one myself.

Or I don't deserve
to wear my spurs.

Yeah.
About those spurs...

You remember the royal joust
when you won them?

Yes.

We had a picnic later
under the spreading oak.

The oak, spreading.

And a lark was singing, and you said
you'd remember that moment forever.

- The lark reminded you of my name.
- Yes, Larken.

Well, I'm gonna have a baby.

So... A princess for Dauntless
must be found soon,

or I'll have to leave.

- Uh...
- Oh, I know this is bad.

Your reputation will be ruined.

We'll both be run out of court.

Just say the word, Harry,
and I'll... go away.

By myself.

- Forever.
- No.

You'll stay here.

Why should we both suffer just because
you had a moment of weakness?

Oh, Harry!

We're none of us perfect.

I'll leave today to find a princess
for Dauntless.

Everything's gonna be all right.

# It won't be long,
it won't be long, it won't

# Because it can't be long
before our dreams come true

# Because you know
I don't belong

# And furthermore
I shan't belong

# To anyone but you

# In a little while,
just a little while

# You and I will be
one, two, three, four

# In a little while
I will see your smile

# On the face
of my son-to-be

# Forever hand in glove

# Is the way I have it planned

# But I'll only stay in love

# If the glove contains your hand

# In a velvet gown
I'll be coming down the aisle

# And it's bound to seem as though

# The waiting's only been a little

# In a little while

- Have you any idea how soon, my love?
- November.

November.

# My time is at a premium

# For soon the world
will see me a

# Maternal bride-to-be

# I know I mustn't worry, Harry

# Still, I wish you'd hurry, Harry

# Harry, marry me

# In a little while
Just a little while

# You and I will be
one, two, three, four

# In a little while
I will see your smile

# On the face
of my son-to-be

# Forever hand in glove

# Is the way I have it planned

# But I'll only stay in love

# If the glove contains your hand

# I can see it all,
down to every small detail

# So I wish you'd look around

# Until you found a castle
in the neighborhood

# For sale

Don't be afraid, Larken.
I won't fail you.

I'll bring back a real princess who will
be able to pass the queen's test.

- We'll be waiting for you.
- We?

You know.

# In a velvet gown
I'll be coming down the aisle

# And it's bound

# To seem as though
the waiting's only been a little

# In a little while #

Yes?

Your Majesty.

- Your Highness.
- Hello, Harry.

I have the honor to request
a perilous labor.

I wish to search for
a true princess of royal blood.

- One who will suit you both.
- No.

- Mama!
- No, no, no, no!

We've been through all eligible girls
in neighboring kingdoms.

There are none left.

We'll have to wait
for their little sisters to grow up,

- and that'll take years.
- But, madam,

- I plan to head over the mountains.
- The mountains?

- Across the badlands.
- The badlands?

Into the marshland where
the beautiful swamp lily grows.

The marsh...
Are you out of your mind?

Mama, let Sir Harry try, please?

For me?

Pleassssse.

All right.

- It's your sinus.
- Thank you, Your Majesty.

- Good luck, Harry.
- Dauntless.

Good luck.

Sir Harry is back!

Sir Harry approaches!

Make haste.
Lower the drawbridge.

Sir Harry is back
with a new princess!

Hah. Hah.

Look, Mama, she's all wet.

Actually, I swam the moat.

I... Oh!
Oh, goodness!

I'm so sorry, poor little fish.

But not to worry.

There's a nice draft here,

so if I just stand like this,
I'll be dry in no time.

You swam the moat?

I know. I was a little bit anxious.

But my friend, Sir Harry...
Oh.

He must still be out there.

He told me there was
an opening for a princess.

Any princess.
So, here I am.

The early bird gets the worm,
and all that, as they say.

So.

Who's the lucky chap?

- # Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?
- # Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no

- # Hey, nonny, nonny, is it you?
- # Hey, nonny, nonny, nonny, no

# Hey, nonny, nonny is it you
or you, or you, or you, or...

# Nonny, no, nee, nee, nee,
nu, nee, nonny, no

No, no, no!

# Someone's being bashful

# That's no way to be

# Not with me

# Can't you see

# That I am just
as embarrassed as you

# And I can understand
your point of view?

# I've always been shy

# I confess it
I'm shy

# Can't you guess that this
confident air is a mask that I wear

# 'Cause I'm shy

# And you may be sure

# Way down deep I'm demure

# Though some people I know
might deny it

# At bottom I'm quiet and pure

# I'm aware that it's wrong

# To be meek as I am

# My chances may pass me by

# I pretend to be strong

# But as weak as I am

# All I can do is try

# God knows I try

# Though I'm frightfully shy

# And despite the impression I give

# I confess that I'm living a lie

# Because I'm actually
terribly timid

# And horribly

# Shy

# Though a lady may be
dripping with glamour

# As often as not
she will stumble and stammer

# When suddenly confronted
with romance

# And she's likely
to fall on her face

# When she's finally face to face

# With a pair of pants

- # I'm going fishing for a mate
- # She's going fishing for a mate

- # I'm gonna look in every brook
- # She's gonna look in every brook

# But how much longer must I wait

- # With bated breath and hook?
- Whoa.

# Ahhhh

Super duper!

# And that is why

# Though I'm painfully shy

# I'm insane to know which sir
You, sir?

- # Not I, sir
- # Then who, sir?

# Where, sir, and when, sir?

# I couldn't be tenser

# So let's get this done
and get on with the fun

# Man

- # I am one man
- # The lady is one man

# Shy #

You swam the moat?

Your Majesty, do you ever say anything
apart from "you swam the moat"?

Are you asking me to believe

that you are a genuine princess
of the royal blood?

- Well, I...
- And you have the nerve and the gall

and the presumption to apply
for my son's hand in marriage?

- May I say something?
- No.

Do you imagine for one moment
that I would even consider you...

...remotely suitable
for any son of mine?

Well, you are laboring under a very
unfortunate misapprehension, my dear.

My son is not going to marry
any moat swimmer!

Not while I have a breath left
in my body.

And I haven't been well.

I haven't been well at all.

I get these shooting pains
through here and here and here.

And here. And I have
this strange nagging pain in my jaw.

Throbbing, throbbing.

- Constantly throbbing.
- Throbbing.

This is a loony bin.

Please don't go!

No! Wait. Who are you?

Princess Winnifred the Woebegone.

Prince Dauntless the Drab.

Pleased to have met you.

No, please don't go.
I like you.

- Everybody does.
- Ha!

Well, almost everybody.

Dauntless, I'd like to stay,

but I really wouldn't want to come
between you and your mother.

So I think I'll just cut my losses
and head back to the swamp.

But... I really like you.

You do?

- Why?
- You swam the moat.

I know! I can't believe I did that.
That's really not me.

I'm actually rather shy!

Oh!

- She's wonderful.
- Hmm.

- I like her.
- Oh, it's cold!

I like her a lot.

I don't need any help. Really.

- Brrr.
- Can I marry her, Mama?

- Can I?
- No. No, of course not.

When you marry, if you marry,
you will marry a real princess.

I have the honor to announce
the arrival of her Royal Highness,

- the princess Winnifred.
- You're late. She's been here and gone.

- Gone?
- She's swimming back to her swamp.

And that, Sir Harry,
is no princess.

Oh, but she is, Your Majesty.

I have her papers right here.

You see, Mama?
She is a princess.

Go get her!

Her papers, Your Majesty.

- Anyone can have papers.
- Give her a test, a test!

Yes, Mama, at least a test.

Please, just one test!

- Please.
- Please, Your Majesty!

Enough. All right!

The wizard and I will make up
a nice fair test

just as we always do,

and I'll prove to you once and for all
that that trout is not a princess.

She'll fail just like all the rest,

fair and square.

Fail what?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, come. You need to get out
of those wet clothes.

I'll show you to your room.

May I?

Dauntless, what was all that business
about a test?

Oh. Every princess suing for my hand
must pass a test

- to prove she's a real princess.
- What kind of test?

Oh, it's always highly secret.

I'm not very good at tests.

Actually, I'm rather terrible at them.

Uh... do not worry.

- I have absolute faith in you.
- You do?

So sweet.

Shouldn't you be able to marry
anybody you want without a test?

Yes. Uh...

No.

Yes, but... my mama.

Yes, your mama.

Don't worry, because I'm just
going to take that test,

and I'm going to pass it.

We brought towels,
Your Highness.

- Ah, excellent.
- You are all so kind.

Oh, Dauntless.

It's bad luck to see too much
of the bride before the wedding.

Oh!

Your Highness.

- I'll be just a minute.
- Mm-hmm.

Your Highness,
I've brought a dress...

Where is she?
Where's the princess?

Here I am. Hello.

- You're Princess Winnifred?
- In the flesh.

Well, almost.

- And you are?
- Oh, Lady Larken.

Lady Larken. Not the Lady Larken,
Harry's Larken?

Well, you're almost
as pretty as Harry...

You're almost as pretty as Harry!

Is this for me?

Yes.

I... hope the color's all right.

Well, where I come from
we wear a lot of green.

Seaweed green, moss green,
green green.

But I think I favor
your choice very much.

Thanks a heap!

- I'll take this.
- Oh, that old thing. Don't bother.

No bother.

- Harry!
- Oh!

- Harry! Harry!
- What? What?

- Harry!
- What, my sweet?

- I met the new princess.
- Yes?

She's the worst yet.
She has no princess skills.

She'll never pass the test.

But by law she is a princess.
So if she be, then she will pass.

- No. The test is fixed.
- I can't do anything about that.

Yes, you can. You can find out
what the test is.

- But that would be cheating.
- Harry, we are running out of time.

Do something,
or I'll have to run away.

I can't cheat.
I'm Sir Harry the lmmaculate.

Oh. So your reputation
is more important than me.

You're being emotional, darling.

If you thought with your head
more often instead of your heart.

I wish I was as perfect as you

and thought laws were more important
than love, but I don't.

So if you're not going to do
anything about this, I will!

Larken!

Oh!

She's the worst one of all of them.

And Dauntless actually fancies her.
Can you imagine?

Oh, it just breaks my heart

when I think of all the years
and all the effort I've put in,

and now I have to give her a test.

Oh! What to give such a creature?

We must think of a test
that looks fair and sounds fair

and seems fair
and isn't fair.

What would she fail at
more than anything else?

Sensitivity?

No. Something much
more difficult than that.

I've got it. Sensitivity.

Sometimes my brilliance
amazes even me.

All right, all right.
Sensitivity.

But what, exactly?

- Table manners?
- Ugh.

Sensitivity.

# Sensitivity, sensitivity

# I'm just loaded with that

# In this one word
is the epitome

# Of the aristocrat

# Sensitive soul
and sensitive stomach

# Sensitive hands and feet

# This is the blessing

# Also the curse
of being the true elite

# Common people don't know what

# Exquisite agony is

# Suffered by gentle people like me

# Just get your hands off me

# Think up a tricky test for that
wretched moat-swimming princess

# Madam, may I suggest?

- # Maybe we ought to...
- # Don't take all night

# I'm not well
I need my rest

# Not that I ever sleep
on that lumpy mattress

# Oh, God, my back

# Sensitivity
Bane of royalty

- # That bed's a torture rack
- Ooh.

# Oh, I hate to sound grumpy

# But my nerves are so jumpy

# I am sure
I could feel any lump

# Even if it were under the mattress
and small as a pea

That's the answer!
Under the mattress!

# We'll test her tonight

# One tiny pea
beneath one thick downy mattress

# Oh, God, you're bright

# Any genuine princess would feel it

# If she doesn't, she's through

# Get the tiniest pea
and order one mattress

- # No, make it two
- Why not five?

# Ten, I think, would be plenty

# Better still make it 20

# And to play it safe in the event

# Even that's not enough
to ensure that she sleeps

# We'll give her a soothing sedative,
won't we?

# You can whip up a drink

- # Something stunning.
- Ah!

# Oh, but you're devilish
I love the way you think

# She's insensitive
So insensitive

# She'll fall asleep, no doubt

# God, but you're clever
Brilliant, a genius

# You are divine
Get out #

Oh...

Ha-ha!

- You may come in now, sire.
- Oh.

Oh.

- How do I look?
- Nice.

You look nicer.

And you're...
You're good-looking too.

You're better-looking and nicer.

Well, um, you're a better swimmer.

Your Highness, the king has asked
to meet the young lady.

Dauntless, is your father
anything like your mother?

- Because if he is...
- Oh, no, my father is silent.

Oh. Oh, then I'd love to meet him.

Papa, this is Princess Winnifred.

The king welcomes you.

Thank you.
Thanks very much!

- Thanks!
- He's not deaf.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh.

My father never touches
his crown to his heart

unless he really means it.

Alas, madam, the king is mute,

or he would speak for himself.

He's still under a curse
cast by a witch long ago,

- before the prince was born.
- A curse?!

The curse says King Sextimus
will never talk

until the mouse devours the hawk.

The mouse devours the hawk?

Well, couldn't you just
get a big mouse

and a little hawk...

We tried that, but the mouse ran away,
and the hawk bit Daddy.

- No, no, no!
- Oh, it's all right.

I don't need to see it.

Well, it certainly has been
a pleasure meeting Your Majesty.

I've already had the pleasure
of meeting Her Majesty.

Goodbye, Your Highness.

- Princess.
- Goodbye.

Very nice meeting you.

Well, Dauntless, I certainly do like
almost both of your parents.

Well, we want you to be happy here.

And, uh, I hope
the room suits you.

Are you joking?
It's brilliant.

Well, I'm not sure what
you're used to in your castle.

Mold.

No, really.
It's just so dry here.

Where I come from,
we don't have a lot of dry land.

Of course, the poorer people do.

But the nobility live right in the swamp
along with their servants and pets.

- You have pets?
- Lots.

- Dogs?
- Frogs.

Oh. Oh, well, tell us about it.

- Yes!
- I don't like to brag.

No, please.

Oh, no...

# I come from the land
of the foggy, foggy dew

# Where walking through the meadow
in the morning

# Is like walking through glue

# The swamps of home

# Are brushed with green and gold

# At break of day

# At break of day

# The swamps of home

# Are lovely to behold

# From far away

# From far away

# In my soul
is the beauty of a bog

# In my memory
the magic of the mud

# Mud

# I know that blood
is thicker than water

# But the swamps of home

# Are thicker than blood

# Blood

# Where e'er I roam

# My heart grows dank and cold

# My face grows gray

# When shadows fall

# And I hear the call

Winnifred, get in here
before you get eaten by a dragon!

# Of the swamps of home

# I hear it calling me now

# Calling me back

# Calling me Winnifred,
Winnifred, Winnifred

# Who do you think you are,
girl of the swamp

# You've gone too far

# Maid of the marshland
give up the struggle

# Listen to the voice of the swamp

# Gluggle, uggle, uggle

# Gluggle, uggle, uggle

# Where e'er I roam

# The whips of fate may smart

# But deep down in my heart

- # Ooooh
- # One thought will abide

- # And will n'er be forgotten
- # Aaaah

# Though I searched far and wide

# There is no land as rotten

# Rotten, rotten, rotten,
rotten, rotten, rotten, rotten

# As the swamps of home

# Ahhhhh #

# The swamps of

# Home #

- That was wonderful.
- It was nothing.

- Do you want a go?
- No. I'm not very good.

Oh, come on. It's easy.
I'll show you. Come on.

All you've got to do is...
Ball, please!

Hold steady and...
Oh, relax.

Relax.

And... let go.

No, no, not...

- No. Let go!
- Whoa!

Oh!

- Whoa!
- Oooh!

Whoo!

- Oh, no.
- Oh, gosh.

Oh, it's you and, uh...

Winnifred.

- Yes.
- We were playing croquet, Mama.

- Winnifred is really good.
- Mm-hmm.

What's the commotion about?

I've decided to throw a party tonight
in honor of the...

- Winnifred.
- Yes.

I want your visit to be
so very special.

I've got the evening planned.
Dinner, dancing...

- You do like dancing?
- Oh, of course.

Wonderful.

We're going to do that fabulous
new dance that's all the rage in Venice.

Oh, the Saracen Brawl!

Heavens no, that's so pass�.

I'm talking about
the Spanish Panic.

You are familiar with
the Spanish Panic?

Familiar?

Oh, God!

It's only my favorite dance.
Brilliant.

Good.

- Well, darling, and, um...
- Winnifred.

Winnifred, yes.

I have so much to do,
so go away.

- Now.
- Oh, go, go, go. Go.

So, what do you think
of my plan?

I'm not sure that I follow.

Am I the only one around here
with any brains? My plan.

My plan to exhaust Her Lowness.

But how?

The Spanish Panic!

Only the most complicated,
exhausting dance in the entire world.

By the time the party is over,
she'll be so worn out

she'll sleep like a slug.

So much for the pretend princess
and the pea.

You look... nice.

You look nicer.

Dauntless, it's magical.
It's like a fantasy.

- You think so?
- Oh, yes.

I think so too, Winnifred.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together for
Her Royal Highness... maybe...

...the princess Winnifred of lkonkill.

What are you...

Whoo!

Come on, Dauntless!

Yow!

All right, enough of that.

What say we get back to dancing.

Prince Dauntless
and Princess What's-Her-Name

will now lead us
in the Spanish Panic.

Hit it!

Faster.

Faster!

Pick it up.

Yah!

- Aren't you exhausted?
- No!

- Aren't you exhausted?
- No!

Let's do it again. Come on!

Come on.
Come on, Dauntless.

Did I pass the test?

- What are you talking about?
- The dance.

- Wasn't that the test?
- No.

That was merely a waste of time.

She's tough.

You have no idea.

Well, if the Spanish Panic
wasn't the test, what could it be?

Oh, anything.
History. Science.

- Oh!
- Math.

Oh.

I'm going to be single
for the rest of my life.

Oh, but, it could be a test
of strength and endurance.

- Really?
- Sure.

Mama asked princess number six...
Or was it number seven?

Asked her to do what?

To lift this weight.

Oh.

- Wow.
- Oh!

She couldn't do it.

I can't even do it.

Dauntless, do you
want me to pass this test?

Then I'll pass.

OK.

Um...

- Stand back.
- All right.

Hah.

Oh!

- Wow!
- Ahhh!

I did it.

Winnifred...

- I think you're wonderful.
- Oh! Oh!

Winnifred's so formal.
Call me by my nickname.

- Winnie.
- Fred.

Fred.
What a beautiful name.

So strong.

So true.
So... you.

# I like you, Fred

# I like you

# You're just saying those words
to be kind

# No, I mean it

# I like

# I mean, I love you, Fred

# He is out of his medieval mind

# I'm perfectly sane and sound

# I've never felt better
in my life

# Everybody, everybody,
everybody come

# And meet my insipient wife

# I'm in love with a girl named Fred
My reasons must be clear

# When she shows you all how strong
she is you'll stand right up and cheer

# With an F and an R and an E and a D
and a F-R-E-D, Fred

# I'm in love
with a girl named Fred

# She drinks just like a lord

# So come sing a merry drinking song
and let the wine be poured

# Fill the bowl to overflowing
Raise the goblet high

# An F and an R and an E and a D
and a F-R-E-D, Fred

# I'm in love with a girl named Fred
She sings just like a bird

# You'll be left completely speechless
when her gentle voice is heard

# Fill the bowl to overflowing
Raise the goblet high

# With an F and an R and an E and a D
and an F-R-E-D, Fred

# I'm in love with a girl named Fred

# She wrestles like a Greek

# You will clap your hands and wonder
at her fabulous technique

# Fill the bowl to overflowing
Raise the goblet high

# With an F and an R and an E and a D
and an F-R-E-D, Fred

# I'm in love with a girl named Fred
who dances with such grace

# You are bound to sing her praises
till you're purple in the face

# Bravo, bravo, bellisimo

# Bravo, bellisimo

# Fill the bowl to overflowing
Raise the goblet high

# With an F and an R and an E and a D
and a F-R-E-D, Fred

- Wah!
- Whoa.

- # I'm in love with a girl
- # He's in love with a girl

- # He's in love with a girl
- # I'm in love with a girl

# Named F-R-E-D

Yippee!

# Fred #

- Ahhh!
- Oh!

This can't be right.

- Ow!
- What is going on?

What is going on here?

Your Majesty!

Take these mattresses to the bedroom
in the far, far tower of the castle.

Princess Swampland must sleep
like the dead tonight.

- By dawn she'll be history.
- Dawn? Then when's the test?

What?

Who said that?

- Lady Larken?
- Hmm.

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

- Nowhere.
- Not so fast.

I think it's best you spend tonight
in the dungeon, Lady Larken.

- The dungeon?
- Off with her.

Oh, and, Larken, if I were you,
I'd go easy on the kumquat cupcakes.

Who knows to whom
that lark might have sung

about my nefarious proceedings.

What?

She might have told someone
the test is tonight.

But, Your Majesty, I have word
that Princess Winnifred is studying.

Studying? Oh, brilliant!

That'll wear her out even faster.

You're not giving up, are you?

Me? Give up?

Absolutely not.

No, just taking a breather.

- What's next?
- Math.

Come on.

Let's just try one. OK.

How much is three times 1 7?

OK. Three times 1 7.

Three times seven we know is 21 ,

so you put down your two
and carry the one,

Three ones are three,
plus the one that you carried is four.

- Twenty-four.
- Oh.

Mm. That's not what the book says.
Oh! Maybe if you add up three 1 7 s.

Okeydokey.

All right, so...
Seven, 1 4, 21 ...

...22, 23, 24.

Yep. Same answer.

Ha! The book must be wrong.

Yeah.

Ohhhh!

- What's next?
- History. You want to go on?

- With you, all night.
- OK.

Yeah.

- But what about sleep?
- Sleep?

- Tomorrow is a big day.
- Oh, yes.

You're right.

It's getting late.
I should go to bed.

Oh! Whoa.

Oh.

I'm positive you're gonna pass
Mama's test tomorrow, Fred.

I'm... Well, I'm pretty sure.

And if you don't...

...l'll understand.

Good night, Fred.

Good night, Dauntless.

"And so,

the young prince Waldaire,

having slain the dragon Fatna
with the sword Minning,

rescued the princess Frigga and together
they mounted his horse Trigger."

Oh. Prince Waldaire, dragon Fatna,

Princess Frigga, horse Trigger.

Yep.

"And they rode to the castle Vundabar,

where they were married
and lived happily ever after."

Well, I'm glad.

# They all lived happily,
happily, happily ever after

# The couple is happily
leaving the chapel eternally tied

# As the curtain descends
there is nothing but loving and laughter

# When the fairy tale ends
the heroine's always a bride

# Ella the girl of the cinders

# Did the wash and the walls
and the windows

# But she landed a prince who was
brawny and blue-eyed and blond

# Still I honestly doubt that

# She could ever have done it
without that crazy lady

# With the wand
Cinderella had outside help.

# I have no one but me

# Fairy godmother, godmother,
godmother, where can you be?

I haven't got a fairy godmother.
I haven't even got a godmother.

I've got a mother.
A plain, ordinary woman.

Who's completely barking, bless her.

# Snow White was so pretty
they tell us

# That the queen
was insulted and jealous

# When the mirror declared
that Snow White was the fairest of all

# She was dumped on the border

# But was saved by some men
who adored her

# Oh, I grant you

# They were small

But there were seven of them.
Practically a regiment.

# I'm alone in the night
by myself

# Not a dwarf, not an elf,
not a goblin in sight

That girl had seven
determined little men

working for her day and night.

Oh, sure, the queen gave her
a poisoned apple.

But even so...

# She lived happily, happily,
happily ever after

# A magical kiss
counteracted the apple eventually

# Though I know I'm not clever
I'll do what they tell me I have to

# I want some happily ever after
to happen to me

# Rapunzel had platinum tresses

# That were double
the length of her dresses

# She was kept in a tower for years
by a wicked old witch

# Till one night
in despair down

# She scrambled
by letting her hair down

# That's what I call
quite a switch

I wonder. No, it would never hold.
It would bloody hurt.

# I'd be finished before I'd begin

# And besides, I don't want to get out
I want to get in

# I want to live happily, happily,
happily ever after

# I want to walk happily
out of the chapel eternally tied

# For I know that I'll never live
happily ever after

# Till after

# I'm a bride

# And then I'll be happily happy

# Yes, happily happy

# And thoroughly satisfied

# Satisfied

# Satisfied #

Ahhh!

Oooh! Oh, God. Oh.

That's not the kitchen.

I must have made a wrong turn
at the Inquisition Room.

Lady Larken! What's wrong?

- Nothing.
- Oh, I gathered that

from the bars on your cell
and your crying.

The queen had me locked up.

Oh.

You know, I'm really not liking her.

Why did the queen lock you up?

Well, I was leaving the castle when I
overheard her saying something about...

- You were leaving?
- Yeah. Harry and I had a fight.

I was running away.

Oh, look, take this.

Excuse me for being a nosy parker,

but where I come from,
you never run from a fight.

Besides, Harry just loves
the stuffing out of you.

- He does?
- Oh, absolutely.

When we were coming here
from my swamp,

I got quite sick of hearing
about how perfect you are.

Oh, dear. There, there.

Um. Oh...!

Are you, um...?
Is it a...?

Are we talking about a...?

Oh, princess, there's something I have
to tell you about the queen's test.

Oh, quick, get back inside.

The queen requests
Her Highness sleep

in the royal chamber
in the tower tonight.

That's all right.
I'm comfortable where I am.

It wasn't that kind of request.

Gosh.

She is quite the royal
control freak, isn't she?

Sorry, Larken.

What was that about the test?

Nothing. It can wait.

Hi, Harry.

- Have you seen my father?
- No, Your Highness.

- Everything all right?
- Hmm?

Y-yes, Your Highness.

Good.

Isn't Winnifred the greatest?

Yes, she is.

Now I understand how you feel
about Lady Larken.

Papa?

Papa?

Oh! There you are.

I've been looking for you.
No, thank you. I'm not hungry.

Papa, I need your help.

The thing of it is,
if Winnifred passes the test, then...

Right. When Winnifred passes the test,
then we can get married.

That means tomorrow
will be our wedding day.

If tomorrow is our wedding day,
that means tomorrow night...

It's time we had that talk.

That man-to-man talk.

Oh.

Is it that complicated?

One question.

Oh, Winnifred.

And I.

Winnifred and I.

Love.
Do I love Winnifred?

Oh, Papa.

I love her so very much.

Oh.

Stop.

Look. Listen.

Me.

Uh... prince.

Little prince.

Boy.

Flower.

# Girl

Flower.
Boy flower, girl flower.

# Oh, tell me more

# I want to know about
what getting married is for

Seed.

Falls.

From girl flower.

# And by and by

# Baby flower

# Grows
Ah, but why?

# Oh, tell me why

# Oh, Father

# Tell me, tell me, Father
Don't be shy

Bee.

On... boy flower!

Boy flower dust.

Gets on bee.

Bee flies to girl flower.

Dust touches girl flower.

Oh! I see!

# No, I don't see

# It's very interesting

# But still not clear to me

Oh.

Carry.

Sounds like carry. Oh.
Berry, very, Larry, scary... Marry!

Man and woman get married.

Love each other, and then?

Knight.

One night.

# Yes, yes, one night

# It's very interesting

# What happens in the night?

# What happens?
What happens?

# Oh, tell me, Father, please

# Shall I go and pick some flowers?

# Shall I go and catch some bees?

Princess Winnifred.

And I.

Yeah, will get married.

And then?

One night.

And then...

One night! What?

Oh! Stork!

Ha-ha!

And then the stork will come
and bring us the baby.

Oh, Papa!

I know all about the stork.

Mama told me
about that years ago.

No!

Wait a minute.

# Flower, seed
Man, woman

# Bee, baby, small

# It isn't the stork
It isn't the stork

# It isn't the stork at all

# Oh, life is grand

# It's very interesting

# I think I understand

# I think, I think I know

# It's very interesting

# Thank you, Father

# And, Father

# I love you

# So #

- Harry.
- Larken.

- You're right.
- I know about the queen's test.

- I don't care.
- What?

You're right.
I put the law above love.

There is nothing, nothing as important
as what I feel for you.

If we have to run,
then we will, together.

No, no, Harry, we can't.
We must never run from a fight.

All right, then, we will not run.

Does this mean you'll help Winnifred
pass the test?

Yes, my sweet.
I will cheat.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, and soon we will have our life.

We'll be married, have a honeymoon,
buy our castle.

Have a honeymoon?
Where?

I know the perfect place.

# Normandy is fine and fair

# So Normandy is where we'll go

# I can show you a beach
where the peach blossom blows

# And I know how to reach

# A man who knows
a man who knows a cozy inn

# A friendly place

# With rows of windows
facing the sea

# This time of year

# The air I hear is rare
and clear and warm

# In Normandy

# I know a meadow covered
with mustard flowers

# Golden as the sun

# Where a wondrous thing can happen
when an April day is done

# There's a moment after the sunset

# When the sky is suddenly green

# And the world
stands hushed and waiting

# For the first white stars to convene

# When we see that emerald sky

# We'll know the reason why

# There's not another place
we'd rather be

# Don't be afraid, my darling

# Sigh no more
for I adore you

# I'll fly with you

# I'll try those wings

# Come swift
for we have things to do

# Is there truly a beach

# Where the peach blossom blows?

# Are you sure you can reach

# A man who knows
a man who knows a cozy inn?

# There's jessamine and

- # A friendly place with
- # White lilac lace and

# Rows of windows facing the sea

# This time of year

# The air I hear
is rare and clear and warm

- # Don't be afraid
- # It's warm

# Heaven was made

# In Normandy #

Well?

Do you have it?

Show it to me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, wonderful!

The tiniest pea in the kingdom.

Under 20 goose down mattresses.
Divine.

She'll never feel it.
She'll sleep like a bear.

And when she sleeps, she fails.

Who says I don't play fair?

Hi.

- Harry!
- Jester!

Have you seen the queen?
No. You first.

Hah!

- The king is determined to help.
- With the test!

- Yes.
- Us too!

- You mean...?
- That's right.

- I will cheat.
- Woo-hoo!

Now, all we have to do is figure out
what the test might be.

Hmm.

# One little pea

# One little green pea
can do it for me

# One little pea

# And I'll have it all permanently

# One little pea

# One little green pea
and my future will be

# My kingdom, my castle

# My crown, my baby

# And me

Oh.

# There will never be

# Another like

# That baby of mine

# No other loves his mother like

# That baby of mine

# No one is more disarming

# Than my Prince Charming can be

# My life is perfect

# Pending his happy ending

# With me

# He's all I hoped for

# All I dreamed

# That baby of mine

# He'll always be my funny

# Valentine

# Whoa, whoa, whoa

# And now as sure as I am queen

# Miss What's-Her-Face

# Can't come between

# Me, my kingdom

# My castle, my crown

# And that big baby

# Of mine

# Now I'll be happily happy

# Yes, happily happy

# And thoroughly

# Satisfied #

Excuse me.

Am I ready for bed.

Oh. And am I ready for you.

Come along. You must be sure
to get a good night's rest

so you'll be fresh
early tomorrow morning.

The potion.

Ah. A little extract
of opium and warm milk

before going to bed,
I always say.

- No, thank you.
- Drink it down. Oh, yes.

Yummy, yummy, yummy.
Good for the tummy.

And just to make sure that you
have no trouble drifting off,

I've prepared
a very special treat.

Bring on the nightingale of Samarkand.

Well, who has
the nightingale of Samarkand?

- Do you?
- I don't know.

Do I have to do
everything myself around here?

Oh, excuse me.

I'll just wait for you to find it...

Huh?

All right, birdie, sing.

And let's have a nice, soft lullaby.

# Ka ka ka ka ka ka ka

- # Ka ka ka ka ka ka ka ka
- Oh, my dear.

There. Yes.

There we go.
Come on, now.

Scoot right around.

Nice soft, downy mattresses
just waiting for you.

Lovely, lovely.

Upsy-daisy.
If you just get...

Oh, oh!

- Ah!
- Oooh! Oooh!

There you go, my dear.
Sleep. Go to sleep.

Sleep until I never
have to see you again.

Goodbye, Winnie poo.

Shut your beak! Please!

No, no, no!

Thank you.

Oh. Ah.

Ugh.

I can't sleep.

Oh. I need a drink of water now.

Oh. Whoa!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Oh!

The, the...

Oh!

Ow!

Time to start again, Winnifred. OK.

I'll go through the whole routine.

Would you...
Could we try again?

With the...

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, Winnifred.

Ahhh!

Oh, that's better.

Oh, lovely.

Lovely, comfortable, nice bed.

Oh.

All right, sheep, let's go.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Oh, good morning,
my sweet boy.

Mama.

Dearest, why are you dressed like that?

Today's the test.

I want to look my best
for Winnifred when she passes.

- The test?
- Uh-huh.

The test is over,
Dauntless darling.

- That can't be.
- Yes.

What was it?
When was it?

It was last night.

We put her to bed
on top of 20 downy mattresses

with a pea under the bottom one.

To test her sensitivity.

And, of course, such a pea would have
kept a genuine princess awake.

- And she slept?
- Darling, I'm sure I don't know.

But she was practically falling asleep
before her head hit the pillow.

And yawning like
a vulgar scullery maid.

I mean, she looked ghastly, darling.

Tired and old enough to be your...

Never mind.

Oh, Fred.

Don't you worry.
Someday we'll find you a princess.

- Good morning, everyone.
- Good morning, Your Majesty.

Good morning, Sextimus.

Well, you're in a good mood.

I'm always in a good mood.

Well, how nice that we're all here

to see Princess Moat Swimmer
on her way,

since she's such a favorite of ours.

Where is our little slug-a-bed?

Still wiping the sleep out of her eyes?

Oh. Here she is now.

Thirty-seven thousand,

four hundred and thirty-six.

Thirty-seven thousand,

four hundred and thirty-seven.

Thirty-seven thousand,
four hundred and thirty-eight.

Thirty-seven thousand,
four hundred and thirty-nine.

- 37,439 what?
- Sheep.

Oh! What do you stuff
your mattresses with?

- Jousting equipment? Oh!
- What do you mean?

I mean, you ought to take
that bed of yours

and put it down
in the torture chamber,

Your Majesty.

You didn't sleep?

Hah. I never closed my eyes!

You passed!

Passed what?

The test.
Mama put a pea under 20 mattresses,

and you felt it!

A pea?

Under 20 mattresses?

Oh! No wonder I'm black and blue!

- Oh!
- Fred? Fred?

We can get married.

Aw!

Oh...

Twenty mattresses?

Dauntless, dear, you can make
the wedding arrangements.

You might want to start looking around
for a small kingdom,

because I've got a feeling that we won't
want to be living with the in-laws.

Hmpf.

You! Call the royal florist!

Roses. I want roses!

Hundreds of them,
thousands of them for our wedding.

And everybody in the kingdom
will be invited.

Oh, Winnifred.

We have so much to plan.

Not so fast.

What is it, Mama?

I-I want you to wait,

to give this whole matter
proper consideration.

What's to consider? I love her,
she passed the test, end of story.

Dauntless, listen to me.

Throughout this heartbreaking business,

I have never interfered, not once,
but now this...!

Shh. She's sleeping.

I am not going to stand by and watch you
throw yourself away on this nobody.

Mama, quiet!

All right, technically she may have
passed the test,

but what do we really know
about her, huh?

Or her people.

Oh, Dauntless, for all we know

she could come from
a family of... tadpoles!

I told you to shut up!

- Mama?
- Your Majesty.

It's happened!

The curse.

It has been broken.

The mouse has devoured the...

The hawk!

The queen cannot talk.

I...

I...

I... I can... I can talk.

I can talk!

I'm talking.

- Do I have a lot to say!
- Your Majesty!

And all this on my wedding day.

Come on, Winnifred.
Let's get you to bed.

Aggravaine, Aggravaine, unhand him.

Now.

Thank you.

You take Winnifred to get some rest.
Then we'll plan your wedding.

Go ahead, son.

Thanks, Papa.

Thank you.

Aw.

Aggravaine.

Aggravaine!

You asked for it,
and now you're gonna get it.

From now on when I say "hop",

I want you to hop.

So, hop!

Hop! I said hop!

Skip. Jump.

Hop. Skip. Jump. Hop.

Your Majesty, have I mentioned
how much I've admired

your silent but strong
commanding presence over the years?

Not to mention what an incredibly
attractive royal you are.

This means we can get married.

We can all get married.

# How did she stay awake

# That pea was awfully small

- # It wasn't the pea
- # It wasn't the pea

# It wasn't the pea at all

# Oh, life is grand

# It's very interesting
We think we understand

# We think we think we know

# It's very interesting

# Thank you, princess

# And, princess

# I love you so

# For a princess
is a delicate thing

# Delicate and dainty
as a dragonfly's wing

# You can recognize a lady

# By her elegant hair

# Ahhhh

# But a genuine princess

# Is exceedingly

# Rare

# Ahhhhh

# Ahhhhh #