Original subtitles

I need your advice on these wedding invites.

I like calligraphy option number two;

it looks like a Bone Thugs album.

This looks like an ad for a bong company.

I like option one better.

You know what would be nice?

A wedding invitation

engraved on a plate.

What a magical wedding that would be.

You two are imbeciles.

Anybody with taste and sophistication

would always choose option number two.

Are you okay?

You look gray.

I didn't sleep.

I was up preparing for an epic day of wedding decisions.

I'm calling it D-Day.

Of course, in this situation,

the "D" stands for "decisions,"

and unlike the other D-Day,

it will not be a walk on the beach.

That's incredibly offensive.

I know.

Do you guys remember

that audition I had for gas station TV?

Well,

the girl they hired went missing

- and they need me to fill in! - Yeah! - What?

- Oh! - Oh, my God, we're gonna be friends

with a gas celebrity!

That's right!

But it is today,

and I know you need my help with the wedding stuff...

Cece, what are you talking about? Are you crazy?

You have to go to this.

I can do it all by my...

by myself.

Are you okay?

Wow, your mouth has been open forever.

Okay, this is crazy. I'm just gonna stay home.

- No, Cece, you have to go, please. - It's... it's...

- Okay. - I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

I can help with wedding stuff.

Just lighten the load a little bit.

Sometimes I think

I was bred in a lab to help people.

You know what else they bred in the lab?

Pugs.

Thank you, Jess. That would be great.

Uh, no, Cece.

I don't have time to bring her up to speed.

Throwing her into the fray now

would be like putting a baby on a treadmill.

She would... just shoot off.

Baby, you're just being protective of the wedding, okay?

Jess is just gonna help.

She's not gonna take over.

Mmm...

Jess...

Mmm...

mm... mm... mmm.

What's happening here?

Fine.

Who's excited?

There we go.

Ooh, FYI, you may have to wrestle

a rectal nutrient into him.

- Wait, what? - You're right. Not your job.

I've done it before.

I mean, I didn't like it, but...

I did it.

Am I proud of it? No.

Did I do it? Yes.

Have I done it again since? No.

There's tons to do today, so we're going to have to split up.

I have to be here for a tux fitting

and a meeting with a napkin ring genius.

Gonna be fine.

There's chairs to be picked and...

...cakes to be tasted.

Schmidt? Are you asleep?

What?!

No, I'm not sleeping, of course I'm not sleeping!

Just tons... too much to do today to sleep.

Jess...

this is the most important thing that I own.

It is the wedding flash drive.

Everything that you need to know is on this.

It's color-coded.

Ooh, color-coded. Gimme.

Please do not reach for it

like you're Winston reaching for someone's breast.

Treat it with respect.

I will, and I just want to say

I'm honored you're trusting me.

Oh, I'm not.

Everything I see is terrible.

Pan left.

This one's nice.

Comfortable, but not too comfortable.

- We want people to dance. - Folding chairs?

Jess, if I wanted my wedding to be an AA meeting,

I would've called my Aunt Terry.

I don't think you want to marry this guy.

Who is that?

Oh, finally.

Winston,

where have you been?

I've been waiting an hour.

Work was crazy, okay?

I busted a poker room,

which was a front for a crack house,

which was a front for a brothel.

It was a crime turducken.

This is the third time you've stood me up.

Meat lunch is our oldest and proudest tradition.

Let's do this every year for the rest of our lives.

I'm gonna be a lawyer.

Let's eat.

I can't. I had an hour, I gotta go back to work.

I mean...

You know, it's a... it's a bar

in the middle of the day. Like, who's there?

Why are they there? Why do you need to be there?

'Cause it's my job.

It runs itself.

It's basically a big-ass fridge.

I'm a bartender and owner.

You know how many balls I have to juggle now?

Man, those are baby balls.

- Hmm. - I'm a cop.

I spend my day working the city's balls.

- Listen to yourself. - Those balls are big.

Listen to yourself.

I'm listening to myself, Nick.

Your balls, in comparison to my balls,

that you have to deal with, that I have to handle...

If you think your job is so much harder than my job,

then why don't you come see for yourself?

Unless, of course, you're scared.

- Scared? - Scared.

I'm a cop.

I run a bar.

Welcome to the nerve center.

Over here, you've got accounts payable...

bills, to the layperson...

and over here is the schedule.

It's a numbers game, really.

Who works when and why,

square pegs, round holes,

every man is a mystery...

That's great, Nick.

Um, I'm a cop.

Come in!

Hey, Nick, what's the schedule for the weekend?

Oh, great, everybody's here.

Why don't you ask my friend Winston?

He'll be handling all questions.

Yeah, that's easy.

All right.

I'm ready to taste cakes.

Okay, great.

- This is gonna be fun. - I'm sorry, fun?

Baking scones with Winston is fun.

This is serious, Jess.

Mmm!

Soft and sweet.

What a relief it's not hard and salty.

How is the nose?

Does it have a clean finish,

or would you say it's a long cake?

Describe the cake's legs in terms of mouth feel.

Bro, I spent two hours at the chair place.

You picked nothing.

You negotiated with the florist

until all three of us were crying.

Let's start again and put the camera close to the frosting.

And for God's sakes, please,

be mindful of your friggin' shadow.

No. I'm stopping this.

You're stop... you're stopping what?

J-Jess?

What are... what are you doing?

Why am I looking at a fountain now?

What...

What a relaxing water feature.

Are they playing Christina there?

Hey, gal pal, how is it going?

Great! It's exactly like modeling,

except for it's less cold and I get to talk.

How's Schmidt?

He's not stress-eating paper towels again, is he?

No, everything's fine.

I'm supposed to see

a beverage guy,

but I can't find his address.

Seriously? I can come back and help.

- No! - It's fine.

It's just...

Schmidt has this color-coded system,

and I can't figure out which one.

Do you know which one beverages would be?

I don't know. Blue?

You're a genius. I found it.

Okay, I gotta go learn Spanish.

I told him that I know it.

Oh.

Good luck.

Gavin, wine sales, Calabasas.

I didn't do it!

I'm lying.

I obviously did it.

Don't worry.

We just put those there for people to break.

- Really? - No, they were very expensive.

But I own the place,

so why don't we say this one broke, too?

I'm Gavin.

Let's try this one.

Tempting, but my friends are getting married.

I'm kind of on a deadline.

And also I prefer my wine sparkling, pink and under $11.

Just taste it.

Okay, one glass.

Javier, you take the early shift

on... Saturday.

- Ugh. - Come on, listen,

I got to do what I got to do, you know?

Uh, Gina, wait to induce

until Sunday... afternoon.

Gina, don't you have something on Sunday?

My husband has his fantasy baseball league.

He won't attend the birth if it doesn't happen.

That's not the man you should be with, I'm sorry.

All right, where do you want these?

Winston, where do we want these?

Where do we want...? Winston? No, dude.

I don't know you like that, man.

Put 'em where the beer goes.

Come on, man, I got eight more deliveries.

Look, I don't like the early shift.

Mercy?

Yes! Yes, yes, man. That's what I thought.

Cheese, the keg's gonna go where it always goes,

right behind the bar.

Guys, the schedule.

- Oh, that's perfect. Thanks. - That works?

Back to work, everybody. Good stuff.

Listen, I get it.

This is confusing and everything,

and I can't just walk in off the street

and do your job instantaneously.

But come on.

Let's be real.

It's still not harder than being a cop.

- Then prove it. - Oh, I'll prove it.

Look, I know I told you to prove it,

but I got to get back to the bar.

I just got a text from Javier that said,

"fire extinguisher" question mark.

Well, all I got to say is, buckle up, Miller.

It's about to be a bumpy ride.

Uh, where... where are my sunglasses?

How the hell should I know?

I specifically asked you to keep track of my sunglasses.

And I told you I'm not your freaking mother.

Okay, you know what, calm down, I'll just squint then.

Do what you got to do, man.

Is this how all partners talk to each other?

Welcome to hell, Miller.

I'm no good at normal life,

but when I'm in the ocean and drinking wine...

...or spending time with a beautiful stranger...

...that's when I, uh, truly feel like myself.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

How do you feel about a little manchego?

I feel very good about it.

We're not animals.

Or maybe we are.

Have you ever...?

Hmm?

I have too much manchego.

Happens to the best of us.

Have you ever had your eyebrows combed

by a woman you just met?

Yes.

Ah.

Jess, thank you.

You know, I haven't had two hours of uninterrupted sleep

since a month ago when Cece made me watch An Inconvenient Truth.

Everything's under control. The bakery's sending over

- three cakes for you to try. - Okay.

And Gavin from the winery in Calabasas gave me a great deal.

Uh, you met Gavin in Calabasas?

I didn't just meet him, we kissed a little.

No!

Ugh!

Schmidt, what happened? What's wrong?

You just made out with my dad.

Schmidt.

Can I just say one thing?

Hey, guys.

So, how did it go today?

Good.

We got a lot accomplished.

But, um...

how do I say this? Um...

I made out with Schmidt's dad.

You did what?

She lulled me to sleep and then went rogue.

- You did what? - If your files had been clearly marked,

none of this would be happening.

You need better labels.

Everything is perfectly clear.

Chairs are color-coded under chartreuse,

because it sounds like "chair truths."

Salmon mongers are filed under fuchsia,

because I "re-fuchsia" to serve salmon at this wedding.

The groomsmen tuxes are under magenta,

because "ma-gentlemen" will be wearing the dope tuxes.

Is he a good kisser?

Don't ask that, plea... And don't you answer it.

It's withdrawn. I'm just freaking out right now.

Okay, why don't we take this horrible,

horrible, gross mistake into something positive?

What if this is a sign

that maybe you should reach out and talk to your dad again?

Why?

Why would I talk to my dad?

He left my mom and basically missed my entire childhood.

And every time I did invite him to something,

he never showed up: middle school graduation,

high school graduation,

when I played the titular role

in a stage adaptation of Uncle Buck.

Well, he's taken up surfing now.

Oh, he's taken up surfing? How nice.

A middle-aged man who surfs and French-kisses his customers.

What a hero.

Why did you have his number in the wedding drive at all?

Because I was maybe...

warming up to the idea of inviting him,

but now that the nightmare

called "this afternoon" has happened,

I can very well see that I'm not ready.

So I'm sorry, Jess, but there will be no papa nah-nah

at the wedding for you.

I'm sorry! He was feeding me cheese, and I...

- I d... Ugh. - Please stop.

- Please. So many details. - Please.

- And-and God for... if you... - Just...

if the words "he unbuttoned my" comes out of your mouth,

I'm gonna freak out!

Oh, thank God, Winston.

You're saving the city from a palm frond.

Los Angeles can sleep soundly tonight, everybody.

All right, it was a slow-ass day.

Aly, will you tell him it's a slow-ass day?

No, I'm not getting involved in this.

I'm not gonna be the yardstick in a penis measuring contest.

Did you say "yard"? Wow, who are you dating?

Tape measure, fine.

Okay, look, this has been great,

uh, but I got to get back to the bar.

7-8-6-3.

Possible 4-5-9 at 2-7-3 Elm Cross and Fairbanks.

Hell yes.

4-2-4 responding. Over.

Bar boy, get in.

Aly, let's lock and load.

Is your gun not loaded?

You have to load your gun, Winston.

Oh, no.

Schmidt, um, that's your dad.

What?

What-what is my dad doing at our front door?

He thinks we're going on a date.

Why would he think that, Jess?

Because I said, "Let's go on a date."

I'll get rid of him. Go to your room and close the door.

Do not tell me what to do; you are not my mom.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Just go. Go.

Wait. Wait, wait.

I don't trust you.

Hey, Gavin!

I know what this is.

I'm not falling for it.

You don't have to stage a crime to make your job look hard.

Stay here. Make yourself as small a target as possible.

I'll just be here

napping out of boredom.

I see signs of forced entry.

Wait, wait, wait, wait! I got movement!

I'm shaking in my boots!

Oh, yeah, right, he's ru... No!

Halt! Police!

Aah!

No! Get away! Get out!

Okay, I get it!

Your job is way harder than mine!

Just make the bad man go away!

- What? - Put the gun down!

Yeah, my job is much harder!

We're gonna make him go away!

Can't stand to see Nick like this, you know.

At least now, he understands being a cop

is much harder than being a bartender.

We all got to learn that lesson sometime.

Idiot, he doesn't think his job is harder.

He just wants you to see

that he's grown and changed

and whatever else stupid stuff people care about.

Oh.

Why are you looking at me like that?

No, no, I...

That's why I need my damn sunglasses, man!

You shouldn't have them

if you can't keep track of them, Winston.

Come on, yeah.

- No! No! - Hey, scoot over.

No, not in here! Not in here, no! No!

- You have the right to remain silent. - No! No!

What are you doing with a video camera on your head?

He is handsome.

- That's a good question. - Oh, hey, look.

That's-that's good news for you, okay.

- It's for work. - I still hate him.

They want to make sure that we don't teach evolution.

I'm an educator, so...

Oh, you told me.

I believe you had me pressed up

against a cask of Merlot at the time.

He's a bottom?

You want to give me the tour?

Or should we just crack this open and make out?

What a line.

Who is this clown?

- Bottle opener in here? - Well... oh.

Oh, actually,

um, change of plans... I can't go on a date tonight,

because I have to have dinner with one of my friends' fathers,

coincidentally.

No pressure.

It's just that I had a lot of fun today.

And, uh,

I'd like to see you again.

- What was that? - Oh.

Gunshots... the neighborhood's in a real slide.

This is my son's name.

7 billion people.

There's got to be some overlap.

We'd better get you back to Calabasas, mister.

- Wait a minute. - 'Cause...

This is my son!

Oh, my God, do you know my son?

Kind of.

- Does he live here? - Uh...

Is he here right now?

I didn't know you were Schmidt's dad when we kissed.

And you didn't know I was his roommate.

And those are facts that will haunt us forever.

But I can't let you go in there.

Because... he's not ready to see you.

- And for once today, I... - Okay.

I want to respect his wishes.

I get it.

Um, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- No, I'll go. - Wait, wait.

What?

He's in there.

Shh.

She told him.

Son?

- Babe, I think you should watch. - I don't...

- Son. - You should watch.

I know you're mad. I get it.

Do you want me to take this off?

I didn't do a good job being your father.

You're in a zone. I'm just gonna sit tight.

And now you're getting married.

I get it.

I wouldn't have invited me, either.

I've missed a lot.

I'm sorry.

In my defense,

I was stoned for most of the '90s.

And the 2000s.

Full disclosure... I was stoned this morning.

I like weed.

But the point is,

if you can forgive me even a little,

I'd love to have a drink with you.

And meet the man that you've become.

Come on.

Gavin.

That's okay... Gavin, not Dad.

That's just where I'm at right now.

Understood.

I'm grateful you're calling me anything at all.

I wanted to say I'm sorry.

And I know that it might not seem genuine,

because the only reason I came here today

was to do stuff with your roommate.

But in the past ten years,

I must've picked up that phone to call you and apologize

a hundred times.

I really am sorry.

Gavin, this is my fiancée Cece.

She is the reason that I am the man that I am today.

It's wonderful to meet you, Cece.

I'm the terrible father.

Thank you.

Because whatever you did

or didn't do,

Schmidt turned out amazing.

All right.

I'm gonna head out.

I'm sure it will be a beautiful wedding.

I wasn't very good at being married.

But thankfully you seem like you're nothing like me.

For what it's worth,

I like the second option.

Timeless.

I agree.

Good-bye.

Okay, wa... uh...

Wait, uh...

Here, that's for you.

Let's see if you can show up this time.

I hope that you do.

Thank you.

There's no plus one, so don't even ask.

I'll be there.

Back to square one on the seating chart.

Oh!

Sorry, I'm a little bit jumpy.

God, they should really make

a TV show based off what you guys do.

You know, I've been telling that to Aly since forever!

It'd be a great idea.

Hello, Hollywood!

It's a big show!

Yeah, it's a hit.

I want to apologize.

I'm sorry that I thought my job was harder than yours.

It's not. I'm just making schedules

and buying beer.

Look, man.

The whole thing has been pretty idiotic.

You know, uh, my job is harder than yours.

Yes, that's a fact. We all know it.

But I got to say, man, this is first time

I've seen you really care about your job.

You're killing it.

It means a lot to me that you said that.

- So thank you. - Yeah, yeah.

So, look, I got... I got us burgers.

- Oh! - You know,

I figured we're both too busy for steak.

The tradition!

Nick, I need a drink.

It'd better be green, sweet and in a fun glass.

Schmidt, are you okay?

I mean, you look a little freaked...

Oh... oh-oh, Cece!

Cece's pregnant!

- No. - Ow.

Jess made out with Schmidt's dad.

Oh, my God!

So many emotions.

Well, I mean, did you like it?

- Don't answer that. - Ew, it was Schmidt's dad.

You're not answering the question.

No, she's not answering the question.

Sweetie, you don't have to say anything.

I liked it a little bit.

Dude.