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1
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:10,770
PLEASE WELCOME...
2
00:00:10,870 --> 00:00:12,210
ME.
3
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:36,970
WHAT IS UP, D.C.?
COME ON!
4
00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:38,630
COME ON!
5
00:00:38,730 --> 00:00:40,240
[cheers, whistles, applause]
6
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:43,010
WOW, D.C.!
MY HOMETOWN, BITCHES!
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00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:44,670
COME ON!
8
00:00:44,770 --> 00:00:48,540
[cheers, whistles, applause]
9
00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:51,510
I AM WEARING SO MUCH MAKEUP
RIGHT NOW, GUYS,
10
00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:54,050
I AM LIKE
THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA
OF COMEDY.
11
00:00:54,150 --> 00:00:55,580
GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAKEUP.
12
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,050
COME ON!
13
00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:59,860
[cheers, whistles, applause]
14
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,020
THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!
15
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:05,090
I-- SO GOOD TO BE HOME.
I LOVE D.C. SO MUCH.
16
00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,830
I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE
IN SO LONG.
17
00:01:06,930 --> 00:01:08,330
FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND,
18
00:01:08,430 --> 00:01:10,130
OUR MAYOR
DOES NOT DO DRUGS ANYMORE.
19
00:01:10,230 --> 00:01:12,900
IS THAT WHAT I---
SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE?
20
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,900
BUT, UH,
NOW THAT I'M A COMEDIAN
I TRAVEL SO MUCH NOW
21
00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,010
AND MY FAVORITE THING
TO DO WHEN I FLY
22
00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:20,140
IS READ THIS MAGAZINE
CALLED COSMOPOLITAN.
23
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:21,910
LADIES, DO WE READ
THIS MAGAZINE?
24
00:01:22,010 --> 00:01:23,810
[women whooping]
25
00:01:23,910 --> 00:01:25,350
THIS MAGAZINE
BASICALLY TEACHES US
26
00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:26,920
HOW TO BE SLUTS, RIGHT?
27
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:28,420
[laughter]
28
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LIKE, THERE WAS
AN ARTICLE IN THERE.
29
00:01:30,250 --> 00:01:33,860
IT WAS LIKE,
"HOW TO TURN ON YOUR GUY."
30
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,290
- HE'S A GUY.
- [laughter]
31
00:01:36,390 --> 00:01:39,090
- TAKE OFF A SOCK, OKAY?
- [laughter, applause]
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00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,530
THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE.
33
00:01:40,630 --> 00:01:42,400
IT WAS LIKE,
"FOR ADVENTUROUS SEX,
34
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:44,530
"SURPRISE YOUR MAN AT WORK
35
00:01:44,630 --> 00:01:46,200
FOR A QUICKIE."
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I'M LIKE,
I CANNOT SURPRISE
MY MAN AT WORK
37
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,840
FOR A QUICKIE, OKAY?
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00:01:49,940 --> 00:01:52,780
HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB.
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00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,310
WHAT, I'M GONNA GO UP TO HIM
40
00:01:54,410 --> 00:01:55,940
WHILE HE'S WATCHING
SPORTS ON THE COUCH,
41
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,250
"SURPRISE"?
42
00:01:58,350 --> 00:02:00,220
THEN THERE
WAS THE WHOLE SECTION--
I SWEAR TO GOD--
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ON SEX "TRICKS."
44
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,850
TRICKS? I DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANY TRICKS IN THE BEDROOM.
45
00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:07,960
I HAVE A VAGINA, OKAY?
46
00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:11,230
TA-DA!
47
00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:13,760
I JUST GET TO TAKE
A TYLENOL P.M. AND LIE THERE.
48
00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:15,260
THAT'S ALL I'M DOING.
49
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,370
[laughter, applause]
50
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,940
YOU DON'T WANT MY VAGINA
DOING TRICKS.
51
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WHAT IF I WAS JUST LIKE,
WAA-LAH!
52
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:22,910
A BIRD FLEW OUT.
53
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:26,910
[laughter, applause]
54
00:02:27,010 --> 00:02:28,640
AND THEN THERE
WAS A WHOLE SECTION,
55
00:02:28,740 --> 00:02:31,610
IT WAS LIKE,
"HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN SCREAM
56
00:02:31,710 --> 00:02:33,150
IN THE BEDROOM."
57
00:02:33,250 --> 00:02:35,880
GUYS, YOU ARE NEVER...
58
00:02:35,980 --> 00:02:38,250
SUPPOSED TO SCREAM...
59
00:02:38,350 --> 00:02:39,860
IN THE BEDROOM.
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00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,160
THAT IS SO GAY.
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00:02:42,260 --> 00:02:43,960
[laughter, applause]
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00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:45,590
OKAY? I DON'T CARE
IF A PIRANHA
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00:02:45,690 --> 00:02:47,130
IS GNAWING
ON YOUR BUTT HOLE, OKAY?
64
00:02:47,230 --> 00:02:48,630
I DON'T CARE.
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00:02:48,730 --> 00:02:50,400
[laughter, applause]
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00:02:50,500 --> 00:02:52,970
AND THEN THERE WAS
A WHOLE SECTION ON "ROLE PLAY,"
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WHICH I GUESS PEOPLE
DO THAT NOW.
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00:02:54,740 --> 00:02:57,110
THEY DRESS UP IN COSTUMES
AND FUCK EACH OTHER.
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AND, UH,
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00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,510
- THERE WAS--
- (man) YEAH!
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00:03:00,610 --> 00:03:02,350
APPARENTLY, THE MOST POPULAR
ROLE-PLAY FANTASY
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00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,450
IS THE "NURSE" FANTASY--
WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
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00:03:04,550 --> 00:03:06,780
LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA DO
THE "NURSE" FANTASY FOR MY MAN,
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00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,050
I WOULD JUST MAKE HIM
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WAIT IN THE LIVING ROOM...
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00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:12,420
FOR AN HOUR,
77
00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,420
AND MAKE HIM READ
HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE...
78
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,090
BEFORE REJECTING
HIS HEALTH INSURANCE, OKAY?
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00:03:18,190 --> 00:03:20,630
THAT'S HOW
THAT WOULD GO DOWN.
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00:03:20,730 --> 00:03:22,870
YOU'RE IDIOTS...
81
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,570
MAKING US DRESS UP
IN COSTUMES.
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LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN
ASKS YOU TO DRESS UP
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IN A FRIGGIN' COSTUME
TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM,
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GO TO THE BATHROOM,
TELL HIM YOU'RE GONNA
85
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SLIP INTO SOMETHING
MORE COMFORTABLE,
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00:03:32,740 --> 00:03:34,310
COME OUT
IN A WEDDING DRESS, OKAY?
87
00:03:34,410 --> 00:03:36,610
[laughter, oh's]
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[humming The Wedding March]
* DA, DA, DA-DA
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00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:41,120
* DA--
GET A BABY STROLLER.
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[laughter]
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00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,790
HE'LL NEVER GET
AN ERECTION AGAIN.
92
00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:47,320
IT'S AWESOME.
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00:03:47,420 --> 00:03:49,630
I JUST DON'T LIKE
ALL THESE ROLE-PLAY FANTASIES,
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00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,160
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE GUY
IS ALWAYS VERY AUTHORITATIVE,
95
00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:54,130
AND THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS,
LIKE, SO WEAK, YOU KNOW?
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00:03:54,230 --> 00:03:56,600
IT'S LIKE THE GUY
IS ALWAYS, LIKE, A LAWYER
OR, LIKE, A DOCTOR,
97
00:03:56,700 --> 00:03:58,670
AND THE WOMAN'S ALWAYS,
LIKE, A SECRETARY.
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00:03:58,770 --> 00:04:01,170
THE GUY'S, LIKE, A PROFESSOR
AND THE WOMAN'S A SCHOOLGIRL.
99
00:04:01,270 --> 00:04:03,210
WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS,
YOU'RE JUST REMINDING US
100
00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:05,210
OF ALL THE JOBS
YOU DON'T HAVE IN REAL LIFE.
101
00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:07,280
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF BEING
A DOCTOR IN THE BEDROOM,
102
00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:09,040
HOW 'BOUT JUST BE
A FUCKING DOCTOR?
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00:04:09,140 --> 00:04:11,210
HOW 'BOUT THAT?
THAT'S...
104
00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:13,420
I DID HAVE A GUY
DO THIS TO ME ONCE.
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00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,480
I HAD A GUY SAY TO ME--
I SWEAR TO GOD-- HE WAS LIKE,
106
00:04:15,580 --> 00:04:17,220
"I WANT YOU TO BE
A STRIPPER FOR ME."
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00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,220
I WAS LIKE,
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00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,860
"UH, YOU WANT ME TO BE
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE...
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00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,760
"AND TAKE YOUR MONEY?
110
00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:26,760
I'VE BEEN DOIN' THAT
SINCE WE FREAKIN' MET, OKAY?"
111
00:04:26,860 --> 00:04:29,470
ALL I NEED IS SOME SELF-TANNER
AND A SHITTY SUN TATTOO,
112
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,130
AND I'M READY
TO ROCK THIS RIGHT NOW.
113
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:32,640
LET'S GO.
114
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,270
DEAD EYES.
115
00:04:34,370 --> 00:04:37,810
[laughter, applause]
116
00:04:40,940 --> 00:04:43,280
I DON'T KNOW--
I JUST WAS LIKE, "DUDE,
I AM NOT DOING
117
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:46,380
THE STRIPPER FANTASY."
I TOLD HIM, I WAS LIKE,
"CAN WE JUST COMPROMISE?
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00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,350
"HOW 'BOUT I THROW
SOME GLITTER ON YOUR BALLS,
119
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:50,950
AND WE WATCH AMERICAN IDOL.
HOW ABOUT THAT?"
120
00:04:51,050 --> 00:04:53,520
I JUST THINK YOU CAN'T DO
THE STRIPPER FANTASY
121
00:04:53,620 --> 00:04:55,760
UNLESS YOU HAVE A STRIPPER BODY,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
122
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,430
LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA,
LIKE, GET NAKED
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00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:59,460
AND DANCE AROUND,
YOU KNOW, THAT POLE,
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00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,730
YOU GUYS WOULDN'T BE LIKE,
"OH, LOOK AT THAT STRIPPER."
125
00:05:01,830 --> 00:05:04,370
YOU'D BE LIKE,
"WHAT IS THAT EUROPEAN BOY
DOIN' ON A JUNGLE GYM?"
126
00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:08,700
[laughter, applause]
127
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,670
I JUST FEEL LIKE OUR SOCIETY
IS OBSESSED WITH STRIPPERS.
128
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:14,040
LIKE, AT MY GYM IN L.A.,
THERE'S A CLASS CALLED
129
00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:15,840
"STRIPTEASE AEROBICS."
130
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:17,980
RIGHT? IT'S LIKE, GET IN SHAPE
LIKE A STRIPPER.
131
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,380
WHAT, IS A PIMP GONNA CHASE ME
AROUND THE GYM FOR AN HOUR,
132
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,950
AND I GET TO DO FRICKIN' BLOW--
WHAT IS THIS CLASS?...
133
00:05:25,050 --> 00:05:26,890
I'M IN.
134
00:05:26,990 --> 00:05:30,490
[laughter, cheers, applause]
135
00:05:30,590 --> 00:05:32,630
I'M JUST NOT ADVENTUROUS
LIKE THAT.
136
00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:34,760
LIKE, I HAD A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE
ASK ME RECENTLY, SHE'S LIKE,
137
00:05:34,860 --> 00:05:36,230
"HAVE YOU
EVER MADE A SEX TAPE?"
138
00:05:36,330 --> 00:05:37,930
SHE'S A SLUT.
UM...
139
00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:39,600
[laughter]
140
00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:41,570
I FEEL LIKE GUYS CAN MAKE
SEX TAPES, RIGHT?
141
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:43,640
'CAUSE YOU GUYS, YOU'RE LIKE,
EMOTIONALLY UNATTACHED.
142
00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:45,740
LIKE, YOU CAN MAKE A SEX TAPE
WITH SOME GIRL, YOU KNOW,
143
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:47,810
FROM LIKE, 10 YEARS AGO,
POP IN IT NOW AND BE LIKE,
144
00:05:47,910 --> 00:05:50,110
- [macho voice] "OH, YEAH!"
- [laughter]
145
00:05:50,210 --> 00:05:52,720
I DON'T KNOW WHY I THINK
ALL GUYS JERK-OFF LIKE THAT.
146
00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,280
- WHY DO-- WHY IS THAT?
- [laughter continues]
147
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:59,150
LIKE-- [grunting]--
JUST LIKE... [grunting]
148
00:05:59,250 --> 00:06:01,520
JUST LIKE,
ALWAYS STANDING UP.
149
00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:04,560
LIKE, HUNCHED OVER LIKE...
150
00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:07,460
LIKE A TROLL OR SOMETHING.
LIKE, [grunting]--
151
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,570
AND YOU GO--
YOU LIKE, GROWL-- ARR, ARR.
152
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,970
LIKE--
AND IT'S ALWAYS UNDER
A BRIDGE.
153
00:06:12,070 --> 00:06:14,170
LIKE, WHY DO I THINK THAT?
154
00:06:14,270 --> 00:06:16,510
BUT YOU GUYS CAN WATCH
SEX TAPES. RIGHT?
155
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:19,540
ALL YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO
IS BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH.
LOOK AT MY BALLS. OH, YEAH."
156
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,340
'CAUSE YOU GUYS
LOVE YOUR BALLS.
157
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,010
YOU GOT TO SEE YOUR BALLS,
AND YOU'RE STOKED,
158
00:06:23,110 --> 00:06:25,150
'CAUSE YOU GUYS--
YOU LOVE YOUR BALLS, RIGHT?
159
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:26,680
YOU THINK THOSE THINGS
ARE AWESOME.
160
00:06:26,780 --> 00:06:28,450
YOU THINK THEY'RE SO GREAT.
161
00:06:28,550 --> 00:06:31,150
NEWS FLASH--
THEY'RE TERRIBLE.
162
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:33,560
THEY ARE DISGUSTING.
163
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:34,960
THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.
164
00:06:35,060 --> 00:06:36,390
THEY ARE AWFUL.
165
00:06:36,490 --> 00:06:38,130
CAN SOMEONE JUST EXPLAIN,
166
00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:39,530
WHY DO ALL BALLS LOOK LIKE
167
00:06:39,630 --> 00:06:41,700
THEY'RE 150-YEARS-OLD?
168
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:45,500
[laughter, cheers, applause]
169
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,600
[women cheering]
170
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:52,040
LIKE, CAN YOU PUT SOME SUNSCREEN
ON THAT, PLEASE?
171
00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:54,640
MAYBE SOME LIP BALM
OR SOMETHING-- THAT'D BE GOOD.
172
00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:57,850
AND THEY'RE ALWAYS ASHY.
WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS...
173
00:06:57,950 --> 00:07:00,220
BUT THEY'RE ALSO, LIKE,
STICKY AT THE SAME TIME,
174
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,690
SO IT'S LIKE,
WHAT IS THE TEMPERATURE
DOWN THERE?
175
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,320
I CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT.
176
00:07:04,420 --> 00:07:07,220
WHAT IS THAT WETNESS
GOING ON?
177
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:09,090
LIKE, WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S TEARS.
IT'S PROBABLY TEARS.
178
00:07:09,190 --> 00:07:11,190
THEY'RE CRYING, 'CAUSE THEY
KNOW HOW UGLY THEY ARE.
179
00:07:11,290 --> 00:07:13,060
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
180
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,260
THEY LOOK LIKE THAT THING
HANGING OFF A ROOSTER'S CHIN,
181
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,270
JUST RIGHT...UGH.
182
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,470
OH, AND YOU GUYS
ARE SHAVING 'EM NOW--
YOU THINK THAT HELPS?
183
00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:22,570
DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS.
184
00:07:22,670 --> 00:07:24,270
THE LAST THING THOSE THINGS
NEED TO BE ARE MORE VISIBLE.
185
00:07:24,370 --> 00:07:25,910
NO WAY.
186
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:28,240
GROW IT OUT,
COVER UP THOSE WEIRD,
187
00:07:28,340 --> 00:07:30,780
BROWN SPLOTCHES
AND...VEINS.
188
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:33,650
THEY'RE AWFUL.
THEY LOOK LIKE DRIED FRUIT.
189
00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:35,880
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELVES.
190
00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,650
HOW DARE YOU?
191
00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:40,690
BUT, LIKE, WOMEN,
WE CAN'T MAKE SEX TAPES.
192
00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:43,030
WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL, RIGHT?
WE'RE TOO SENSITIVE.
193
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,130
LIKE, IF I WERE TO MAKE
A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GUY,
YOU KNOW, FROM LIKE,
194
00:07:45,230 --> 00:07:48,030
FIVE YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW,
I WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH!"
195
00:07:48,130 --> 00:07:51,400
I'D BE LIKE, [crying mockingly]
"OH, MY GOD. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
196
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,640
"I'M GONNA
FIND HIM ON FACEBOOK.
197
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,470
- I'M GONNA..."
- [laughter]
198
00:07:55,570 --> 00:07:57,510
I'M JUST NOT LIKE THAT.
199
00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,840
LOOK, I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS
WHO WILL TEXT-MESSAGE
200
00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:01,980
NAKED PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES
TO THEIR MAN,
201
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,080
WHICH I GUESS THE WHOLE POINT
OF THAT IS TO BE LIKE,
202
00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:06,310
"OH, HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN'
FOR YOU AT HOME, BIG BOY...
203
00:08:06,410 --> 00:08:07,950
PHOTOS."
204
00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:09,850
IF I WAS TO DO
205
00:08:09,950 --> 00:08:11,820
A "HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU
AT HOME" PHOTO SHOOT,
206
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,220
I WOULD TAKE SOME PICTURES
OF THE FRICKIN' DISHES, OKAY?
207
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,890
THE BILLS RIGHT NOW.
208
00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:18,830
MY VAGINA'S NOT WAITING FOR YOU
AT HOME AT ALL.
209
00:08:18,930 --> 00:08:20,930
IT'S TRYIN' TO BOOK ME
AN ACTING JOB.
210
00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:23,670
IT IS VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW.
I'M JUST NOT SEXY LIKE THAT.
211
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:26,800
I FEEL LIKE GIRLS ARE SEXY NOW.
I'M NOT A SEXY GIRLFRIEND.
212
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:28,470
ALL I DO
IN RELATIONSHIPS
IS FIGHT.
213
00:08:28,570 --> 00:08:30,440
THAT'S ALL I EVER DO
IN RELATIONSHIPS.
214
00:08:30,540 --> 00:08:33,640
BUT THE THING IS THAT WOMEN--
WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS, RIGHT?
215
00:08:33,740 --> 00:08:36,680
- [women whooping]
- WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS.
216
00:08:36,780 --> 00:08:39,110
WE ARE LIKE
EMOTIONAL NINJAS,
217
00:08:39,210 --> 00:08:41,250
- RIGHT?
- [laughter]
218
00:08:41,350 --> 00:08:44,620
OUR FAVORITE TACTIC
IS THE SILENT TREATMENT.
THAT IS OUR JAM, RIGHT?
219
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,520
OUR MAN PISSES US OFF--
"HE PISSED ME OFF.
220
00:08:46,620 --> 00:08:48,520
"I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO HIM
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
221
00:08:48,620 --> 00:08:50,290
I'M GONNA SHOW HIM."
222
00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:53,460
LADIES, "THE SILENT TREATMENT"
IS NOT A PUNISHMENT.
223
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,700
[laughter, applause]
224
00:08:57,930 --> 00:09:00,800
IT'S A FREAKIN' REWARD, OKAY?
225
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:03,010
HE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK GOD
SHE SHUT THE HELL UP.
226
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,840
"OH, MY GOD.
I LOVE THE SILENT TREATMENT.
227
00:09:05,940 --> 00:09:09,650
"I GET TO WATCH SPORTSCENTER
AGAIN TODAY.
228
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:13,480
I'M GONNA FORGET HER BIRTHDAY
EVERY YEAR."
229
00:09:13,580 --> 00:09:15,150
LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN
PISSES YOU OFF,
230
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:17,220
DO NOT GIVE HIM
"THE SILENT TREATMENT."
231
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:20,860
INSTEAD, GO GOOGLE THE MOST
IMPORTANT GAME OF THE SEASON,
232
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,690
SIT NEXT TO HIM
DURING THAT GAME,
233
00:09:22,790 --> 00:09:25,560
AND JUST ASK AS MANY...
234
00:09:25,660 --> 00:09:27,430
FUCKING QUESTIONS...
235
00:09:27,530 --> 00:09:29,200
AS POSSIBLE.
236
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:30,770
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
237
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:34,200
"WHO'S THAT GUY
IN THE STRIPED SHIRT?
238
00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:37,710
"DOES HE WORK AT FOOT LOCKER?
239
00:09:37,810 --> 00:09:39,510
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
240
00:09:39,610 --> 00:09:41,780
"WHY ARE THEY ALL WEARING
THE SAME OUTFIT?
241
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,280
WHEN ARE WE GONNA HAVE
A BABY?"
242
00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:46,480
EVENTUALLY,
HE WILL SHOOT HIMSELF
IN THE FACE,
243
00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:48,180
AND YOU FUCKING WIN
THAT ARGUMENT.
244
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,720
[laughter, applause]
245
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:52,550
YOU CANNOT DEFEAT A WOMAN
246
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,320
IN AN ARGUMENT, RIGHT?
IT'S NEVER HAPPENED.
247
00:09:54,420 --> 00:09:56,390
'CAUSE WOMEN,
248
00:09:56,490 --> 00:09:58,260
WE NEVER EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS
WE'RE ACTUALLY FEELING, RIGHT?
249
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:00,230
WHEN WE ARE MOST PISSED OFF,
YOU GUYS, WHAT DO WE SAY?
250
00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:02,060
[happy voice]
"I'M FINE."
251
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:05,470
"I'M FINE"
MEANS I'M ABOUT TO STAB YOU
IN THE NECK.
252
00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:07,240
- [laughter]
- OKAY?
253
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,400
WOMEN ARE VERY TRICKY.
WE'RE VERY MISLEADING, RIGHT?
254
00:10:09,500 --> 00:10:12,140
NOT ONLY EMOTIONALLY,
ALSO PHYSICALLY,
WOMEN ARE MISLEADING.
255
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,510
LIKE, YOU'LL SEE
A GIRL OUT AT A BAR.
SHE'S LIKE, 5'7".
256
00:10:14,610 --> 00:10:17,350
YOU TAKE HER HOME.
THE SHOES COME OFF.
SHE'S A GNOME, RIGHT?
257
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,250
[laughter]
258
00:10:19,350 --> 00:10:21,120
WE'RE THE SAME WAY EMOTIONALLY,
AND WE ALWAYS EXPRESS
259
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:22,820
THE OPPOSITE EMOTION
WE'RE FEELING.
260
00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:25,190
WE DO IT WITH OTHER WOMEN,
TOO, RIGHT?
261
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:27,090
WE'RE ALWAYS, LIKE,
THE OPPOSITE WITH WOMEN.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
262
00:10:27,190 --> 00:10:29,260
LIKE, ONE WOMAN HATES
ANTHER WOMAN.
263
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,160
THE WOMEN SHE HATES
WALKS IN THE DOOR-- IT'S LIKE,
264
00:10:31,260 --> 00:10:33,130
"I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH.
I CANNOT STAND THAT BITCH.
265
00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:34,660
I HATE THAT BITCH.
I CANNOT STAND
THAT LITTLE SLUT."
266
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,870
[high-pitched voice]
"OH, HI!"
267
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:40,670
YOU CANNOT FUCK
WITH THAT KIND OF CRAZY, OKAY?
268
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:43,140
[laughter, applause]
269
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,440
BUT I FEEL LIKE
ALL WE WANT YOU GUYS TO DO
270
00:10:46,540 --> 00:10:47,910
IS ASK US
HOW WE'RE FEELING, RIGHT?
271
00:10:48,010 --> 00:10:49,780
ASK US, "WHAT'S WRONG?"
272
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:52,010
YOU FINALLY ASK US WHAT'S WRONG,
WHAT DO WE SAY?
273
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:53,650
"NOTHING."
EVEN IF WE DO ADMIT IT,
IT'S LIKE,
274
00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:55,920
"YEAH, SOMETHING'S WRONG,
275
00:10:56,020 --> 00:10:57,720
"BUT IF YOU
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU."
276
00:10:57,820 --> 00:10:59,590
GUYS, LET ME
EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU, OKAY?
277
00:10:59,690 --> 00:11:02,360
USUALLY WHEN WE'RE PISSED OFF
AT YOU BUT DON'T TELL YOU WHY,
278
00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:06,560
IT'S BECAUSE WE SNOOPED
THROUGH YOUR SHIT, OKAY?
279
00:11:06,660 --> 00:11:08,860
CELL PHONES-- WE FOUND
SOMETHING INCRIMINATING,
280
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,600
BUT WE CAN'T YELL AT YOU
ABOUT IT,
281
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:13,000
'CAUSE THEN
WE'D HAVE TO "ADMIT"
282
00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:15,040
THAT WE SNOOPED
THROUGH YOUR SHIT.
283
00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:18,210
SO WE JUST SILENTLY PUNISH YOU
FOR, LIKE, MONTHS...
284
00:11:18,310 --> 00:11:21,040
UNTIL ONE DAY IT'LL JUST
RANDOMLY EXPLODE OUT.
285
00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,480
YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY,
DO YOU WANT TO GO
286
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,050
TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY
FOR DINNER?"
287
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,550
"OH, WHY?!
IS THAT WHERE
'JULIE' WORKS?!"
288
00:11:27,650 --> 00:11:30,350
[laughter, applause]
289
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,690
I SNOOP.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
290
00:11:37,790 --> 00:11:39,530
(woman) WOO!
291
00:11:39,630 --> 00:11:41,160
THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN
AND SNOOPING
292
00:11:41,260 --> 00:11:43,100
IS WE DON'T THINK
WE'RE DOING ANYTHING WRONG,
293
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,930
'CAUSE OUR MINDS CAN TALK US
INTO ANYTHING, RIGHT?
294
00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:48,340
WE COULD RATIONALIZE ANYTHING
IN OUR CRAZY HEADS.
295
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:49,810
YOU DON'T REALIZE UNTIL LATER,
296
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,810
TILL WE'RE FIGHTING WITH YOU
ABOUT IT,
297
00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:54,110
HOW WE JUSTIFIED IT IN OUR
CRAZY-ASS BRAINS, YOU KNOW?
298
00:11:54,210 --> 00:11:56,610
WE'RE LIKE, "WHAT? I WAS NOT
GOING THROUGH YOUR WALLET, OKAY?
299
00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:58,150
"I WAS JUST CLEANING IT.
300
00:11:58,250 --> 00:11:59,550
[laughter]
301
00:11:59,650 --> 00:12:01,180
YOU'RE WELCOME!"
302
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,550
[laughter, applause]
303
00:12:04,650 --> 00:12:06,490
I THINK THE WORST THING
YOU CAN FIND
304
00:12:06,590 --> 00:12:08,420
WHEN YOU'RE SNOOPING
IS JEWELRY.
305
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,330
THAT'S THE WORST THING, RIGHT?
LIKE, ANOTHER WOMAN'S JEWELRY,
306
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,390
EVEN IF IT'S
AN EX-GIRLFRIEND
OR WHATEVER.
307
00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:14,230
BUT I HAVE FOUND --
HOW PISSED OFF I GOT
ABOUT THE JEWELRY
308
00:12:14,330 --> 00:12:16,870
I FOUND IN MY MAN'S PLACE
WAS DIRECTLY CORRELATED
309
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,930
TO HOW NICE THE JEWELRY WAS.
310
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:21,470
SO ONE TIME I FOUND THIS REALLY
CRAPPY PLASTIC BRACELET.
311
00:12:21,570 --> 00:12:24,470
I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT,
YOU SLEPT WITH SOME GIRL
WHO SHOPS AT 'CLAIRE'S'?
312
00:12:24,570 --> 00:12:26,670
'ACCESSORIES,' IS THAT IT?"
313
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,180
BUT THEN I JUST NAMED
A BUNCH OF STORES
314
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,280
THAT NO MAN
HAS EVER HEARD OF.
315
00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:32,950
I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT IS THIS,
FROM 'WET SEAL', HUH?
316
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:35,250
"WHAT IS THIS,
FROM 'SPIEGEL'?
317
00:12:35,350 --> 00:12:38,320
WHAT IS THIS,
FROM 'Overstock.com'?"
318
00:12:38,420 --> 00:12:40,460
BUT THEN ONE TIME I FOUND
A REALLY, LIKE, NICE,
319
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,060
LIKE, SILVER BRACELET
AND IT HAD, LIKE,
SOME DIAMONDS IN IT.
320
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:46,230
I DIDN'T YELL AT HIM AT ALL.
I JUST PUT IT ON MY WRIST...
321
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,830
AND HE NEVER
HEARD ABOUT IT AGAIN...
322
00:12:48,930 --> 00:12:50,830
- 'CAUSE I STEAL.
- [laughter]
323
00:12:50,930 --> 00:12:52,770
IT'S MINE NOW, SLUT!
324
00:12:52,870 --> 00:12:54,740
[laughter, applause]
325
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:56,910
I THINK THAT RELATIONSHIPS
JUST MAKE WOMEN CRAZY.
326
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,070
THEY MAKE
PERFECTLY NORMAL PEOPLE
GO INSANE, RIGHT?
327
00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:00,840
LIKE, I LIKE TO PLAY
A LITTLE GAME,
328
00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,380
LIKE, THREE MONTHS
INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
329
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,850
IT'S CALLED,
330
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,450
"LET'S GO THROUGH
YOUR CELL PHONE
331
00:13:06,550 --> 00:13:07,820
"AND DELETE THE CONTACTS...
332
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,380
I DON'T LIKE."
333
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,020
[laughter, applause]
334
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,020
THAT'S WHEN I GET TO
GO THROUGH YOUR PHONE,
335
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,020
YOU GOTTA TELL ME
WHO EVERY GIRL IS IN YOUR PHONE,
336
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:16,990
AND THEN I DECIDE
IF I FREAKIN' LIKE IT OR NOT.
337
00:13:17,090 --> 00:13:18,660
[laughter, applause]
338
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,430
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
339
00:13:20,530 --> 00:13:23,330
"LINDSEY"...
SOUNDS LIKE A SLUT.
DELETE THAT.
340
00:13:23,430 --> 00:13:26,870
"RICHARD"...
THAT'S A SLUT FOR SURE.
DELETE THAT.
341
00:13:26,970 --> 00:13:29,600
"MOM"?
THAT'S A WHORE.
DELETE THAT.
342
00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,140
YOU GUYS HAVE
YOUR WEIRD STUFF, TOO.
343
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,910
I RECENTLY
NOTICED ABOUT GUYS--
344
00:13:33,010 --> 00:13:35,480
I NOTICED THAT EVERY GUY
I'VE EVER KNOWN,
345
00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:38,250
SOMEWHERE IN HIS HOUSE
OR APARTMENT OR WHATEVER,
346
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:42,820
HAS A JAR
THAT'S FULL OF "COINS"?
347
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,250
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
348
00:13:45,350 --> 00:13:47,020
THE LAST GUY I DATED--
I WAS LIKE,
349
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,890
"OH, MAYBE HE,
LIKE, COLLECTS COINS,
350
00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:50,930
OR MAYBE THAT'S,
LIKE, HIS LAUNDRY MONEY."
351
00:13:51,030 --> 00:13:53,430
NO, THAT WAS
HIS BANK ACCOUNT, OKAY?
352
00:13:53,530 --> 00:13:55,360
[laughter, applause]
353
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,700
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU, A PIRATE?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
354
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,470
[laughter continues]
355
00:14:01,300 --> 00:14:02,940
I DATE CHEAP GUYS.
I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
356
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,710
I RECENTLY HAD A GUY--
I SWEAR TO GOD--
357
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:07,480
ASK ME OUT ON A DATE
TO GO GET COFFEE.
358
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,180
IS THAT HAPPENING NOW,
IN THE PLAID SHIRT?
359
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,180
YOU'RE DOIN'
THAT WITH GIRLS NOW?
360
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,750
YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT.
NO WAY.
361
00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:16,920
[laughter, cheers, applause]
362
00:14:17,020 --> 00:14:20,590
WHAT IS THIS SHIRT?
WHAT ARE WE DOIN' HERE?
363
00:14:20,690 --> 00:14:23,390
WHAT ARE WE DOIN'?
YOU'RE FUCKIN' ON TV.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
364
00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:24,930
[laughter, applause]
365
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:27,360
YOU'RE FUCKIN'
KILLIN' ME RIGHT NOW.
366
00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:29,760
AND YOU,
DON'T EVEN TRY TO LAUGH.
THIS IS WORSE.
367
00:14:29,860 --> 00:14:31,300
[laughter]
368
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,300
DO YOU SEE HOW HOT
THESE GIRLS ARE?
369
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,700
YOU'RE FUCKIN' BLOWIN' IT.
THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.
370
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:37,710
NO, I LIKE IT.
YOU'RE SEXY.
371
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,210
ARE YOU SINGLE?
372
00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:41,840
- UH--EHH!
- [laughter, applause]
373
00:14:41,940 --> 00:14:43,350
EH--EH--EH!
374
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,910
TOO MUCH CUM IN YOUR MOUTH?
CAN'T TALK?
375
00:14:45,010 --> 00:14:46,950
[laughter, applause]
376
00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:49,020
- OKAY.
- [cheers, applause]
377
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:54,660
NO, I SERIOUSLY--
I SWEAR TO GOD--
378
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,060
I HAD A GUY ASK ME OUT
ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE.
379
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,790
HOW CHEAP IS THAT?
380
00:14:58,890 --> 00:15:00,560
HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, DO YOU WANNA, LIKE,
381
00:15:00,660 --> 00:15:02,260
MAYBE GO GET
SOME COFFEE LATER?"
I WAS, LIKE, "SURE.
382
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,270
"YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S
REALLY GOOD COFFEE?
383
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,370
"THIS PLACE THAT'S CALLED, UH,
'MORTON'S STEAKHOUSE'...
384
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:07,800
[laughter]
385
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:09,770
"YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
386
00:15:09,870 --> 00:15:11,370
[laughter, applause]
387
00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:13,610
"I LOVE A LITTLE COFFEE
WITH MY LOBSTER.
388
00:15:13,710 --> 00:15:15,610
- LET'S GO."
- [laughter]
389
00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:18,150
AND THEN I'M SUCH AN IDIOT
THAT I WENT ON THE COFFEE DATE.
390
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:20,150
IT WAS AT, LIKE,
4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.
391
00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:22,280
AND I SHOWED UP TO GO--
LIKE, I WENT UP TO THE COUNTER
392
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:24,690
TO PAY FOR MY COFFEE--
IT WAS LIKE $1.70 OR SOMETHING--
393
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,090
AND I GO TO PULL OUT
MY WALLET.
394
00:15:26,190 --> 00:15:27,820
HE CUTS IN FRONT OF ME.
HE GOES,
395
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,590
"NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO...
396
00:15:30,690 --> 00:15:32,660
- I GOT IT."
- [laughter]
397
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,530
OH, REALLY?
ARE YOU GONNA GET SOME COINS
FROM YOUR FRICKIN' JAR?
398
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,270
IS THAT HOW YOU'RE...?
399
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:38,970
WOMEN ARE CHEAPER
THAN MEN, THOUGH.
400
00:15:39,070 --> 00:15:40,900
IT'S NOT EVEN
THAT WE'RE CHEAP.
401
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,310
WE JUST NEVER EXPECT
TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, RIGHT?
402
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,870
SO MUCH SO,
WE HAVE MASTERED THE ART
OF SOMETHING
403
00:15:45,970 --> 00:15:47,540
THAT I LIKE TO CALL
THE "PUMP FAKE"...
404
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,280
[laughter]
405
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:51,410
WHICH IS WHEN THE BILL
COMES TO THE TABLE,
406
00:15:51,510 --> 00:15:54,080
WE'LL JUST STICK
OUR HAND IN OUR PURSE...
407
00:15:54,180 --> 00:15:59,150
[laughter, applause]
408
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:01,760
JUST MOVE IT AROUND
FOR AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO
409
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:03,930
UNTIL YOU GUYS
SIGN THE CHECK.
410
00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:05,390
WE'RE NOT GRABBING ANYTHING.
411
00:16:05,490 --> 00:16:07,300
WE'RE JUST SHUFFLING
SHIT AROUND...
412
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,330
JUST GETTING STABBED
BY PENCILS.
413
00:16:10,430 --> 00:16:13,640
IF IT'S A SMALL PURSE,
WE'LL JUST DO THAT.
414
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,140
AND IF IT'S A CLUTCH,
WE'LL JUST FINGER-BANG IT
415
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,970
AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO.
416
00:16:18,070 --> 00:16:21,080
[laughter, applause]
417
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:24,310
THAT'S WHEN YOU PUT A FINGER
IN SOMEONE'S VAGINA.
418
00:16:24,410 --> 00:16:29,980
[laughter, cheers, applause]
419
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,050
I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S GOIN' ON ANYMORE.
420
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:34,120
I DON'T KNOW IF THE GUY'S
SUPPOSED TO PAY,
421
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:36,120
IF THE GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO,
IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPLIT IT.
422
00:16:36,220 --> 00:16:38,090
I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR
RELATIONSHIP JUST RECENTLY.
423
00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:39,630
- (man) WOO!
- YEAH, THANKS.
424
00:16:39,730 --> 00:16:41,060
YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT?
425
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:42,600
- YEAH.
- [laughter]
426
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:44,370
I'M SINGLE.
YOU WANNA DO THIS RIGHT NOW?
427
00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:46,130
[laughter]
428
00:16:46,230 --> 00:16:48,100
THIS IS A WATER BRA.
THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING.
429
00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,800
BUT OTHERWISE...
430
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:51,070
I'M LIKE, WHAT,
ARE YOU A PEDOPHILE,
431
00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:53,280
- IS THAT IT?
- [laughter]
432
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,610
BUT, NO, I DID, I JUST GOT OUT
OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.
433
00:16:55,710 --> 00:16:57,780
IT WAS HARD,
BECAUSE WHAT I LEARNED--
AFTER I GOT OUT
434
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,680
OF THE FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP,
I LEARNED THAT WOMEN--
435
00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:01,880
WE'RE NOT GIVEN THE SKILLS
WE NEED TO SURVIVE
436
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,520
IN THE WORLD WITHOUT A MAN.
437
00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:05,020
I LEARNED THIS,
'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER WE BROKE UP,
438
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,820
I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR.
439
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,090
FOUR DAYS AFTER
I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR,
440
00:17:08,190 --> 00:17:09,890
I FILLED IT UP
WITH DIESEL FUEL.
441
00:17:09,990 --> 00:17:11,330
(audience)
OH!
442
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,400
NOW, I ALWAYS LOVE
THIS REACTION,
443
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,160
'CAUSE ALL
THE GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE
ARE ALWAYS LIKE,
444
00:17:15,260 --> 00:17:17,630
"OH, GOD!"
AND ALL THE GIRLS
ARE JUST LIKE...
445
00:17:17,730 --> 00:17:20,000
- "SO?"
- [laughter]
446
00:17:20,100 --> 00:17:21,970
LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT DIESEL FUEL WAS.
447
00:17:22,070 --> 00:17:24,440
I PULLED UP.
THE REGULAR WAS OUT OF ORDER.
THE SUPREME--
448
00:17:24,540 --> 00:17:26,870
I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST
FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL."
449
00:17:26,970 --> 00:17:28,740
AND THERE
WAS A GREEN BUTTON AND A--
450
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,210
I WAS LIKE, "OH, IT'S PROBABLY
BETTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT
451
00:17:31,310 --> 00:17:33,010
'CAUSE IT'S GREEN."
452
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,720
AND THEN YOU GUYS
ARE PROBABLY WONDERING
453
00:17:34,820 --> 00:17:36,720
HOW I GOT THE NOZZLE TO FIT,
BECAUSE A DIESEL NOZZLE
454
00:17:36,820 --> 00:17:38,090
DOESN'T EVEN FIT
IN A REGULAR CAR.
455
00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:40,190
I JAMMED IT IN THERE.
456
00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:42,520
I WAS LIKE,
"I'M SELF-SUFFICIENT,
GODDAMMIT!-- UGH!"
457
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:44,560
A MILE LATER,
MY CAR WAS A BALL OF
458
00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,460
- FIRE...
- [laughter]
459
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:48,430
BUT WOMEN ARE NOT TAUGHT
PRACTICAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS.
460
00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:50,270
WE'RE NOT TAUGHT
TO LIVE IN REALITY.
461
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,170
WE'RE TAUGHT TO LIVE
IN OUR IMAGINATIONS,
462
00:17:52,270 --> 00:17:54,600
IN A FANTASY LAND, RIGHT?
I REMEMBER-- IT'S TRUE.
463
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:57,410
GROWING UP, I USED TO HAVE
IMAGINARY TEA PARTIES.
464
00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,580
I WOULD PUT IMAGINARY TEA
IN IMAGINARY CUPS AND DRINK 'EM
465
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,480
WITH MY STUFFED ANIMALS,
THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY! OKAY?
466
00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:06,750
LIKE, IN ANY OTHER UNIVERSE,
THAT'S JUST SCHIZOPHRENIA,
467
00:18:06,850 --> 00:18:08,450
RIGHT?
468
00:18:08,550 --> 00:18:10,350
AND THE PROBLEM IS,
IT CARRIES INTO ADULTHOOD.
469
00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:12,390
LIKE, GUYS, YOU EVER GET
IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRL,
470
00:18:12,490 --> 00:18:14,320
AND SHE'S MUCH MORE PISSED OFF
AT YOU THAN SHE SHOULD BE?
471
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:16,660
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHOA,
THAT ARGUMENT ESCALATED...
472
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:18,130
REALLY...FAST."
473
00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,690
IT'S 'CAUSE
FOR THE LAST WEEK,
474
00:18:19,790 --> 00:18:21,660
WE'VE BEEN HAVIN'
A FIGHT WITH YOU IN OUR
475
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,770
IMAGINATIONS...
476
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:28,470
[laughter, cheers, applause]
477
00:18:28,570 --> 00:18:32,010
AND IN OUR HEAD,
YOU SAID ALL THE WRONG SHIT.
478
00:18:32,110 --> 00:18:35,240
SO BY THE TIME
WE SEE YOU IN PERSON,
WE'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH?!
479
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:37,610
WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT
YOU SAID LAST WEEK IN MY MIND!"
480
00:18:37,710 --> 00:18:39,910
[laughter, applause]
481
00:18:40,010 --> 00:18:42,280
I THINK
THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS
THAT WOMEN DO NOT LEARN,
482
00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:44,520
A LOT OF
PRACTICAL INFORMATION.
483
00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:47,220
LIKE, I DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT A 401(k) WAS
TILL LIKE A MONTH AGO.
484
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,920
I THOUGHT IT WAS A MARATHON.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
485
00:18:50,020 --> 00:18:53,090
I WAS LIKE, "WHY ARE MY FRIENDS
RUNNING IN THIS MARATHON?
486
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,760
"400 MILES?
487
00:18:54,860 --> 00:18:56,800
- FUCK THAT."
- [laughter]
488
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,470
AND THE THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED
TO PREPARE WOMEN FOR LIFE DON'T.
489
00:18:59,570 --> 00:19:01,500
LIKE, I WAS IN
THE GIRL SCOUTS.
490
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,710
THE GIRL SCOUTS DOES NOT
TEACH YOU ANY SKILLS, RIGHT?
491
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,340
THE GIRL SCOUTS
BASICALLY TEACHES YOU TO SELL
A BUNCH OF COOKIES
492
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,580
THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN
FRICKIN' MAKE, OKAY?
493
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,310
LIKE, IF YOU'RE
TO TAKE THE SKILLS YOU LEARNED
IN THE GIRL SCOUTS
494
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,250
AND APPLY THEM
AS AN ADULT,
495
00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:14,450
YOU'RE SELLING THINGS
TO STRANGERS IN A MINISKIRT.
496
00:19:14,550 --> 00:19:16,720
YOU'RE A HOOKER.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
497
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:19,450
- THAT'S YOUR JOB NOW.
- [laughter, applause]
498
00:19:19,550 --> 00:19:21,560
BUT GUYS LEARN REAL SKILLS.
499
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,630
YOU GUYS GO TO THE EAGLE SCOUTS
AND LEARN HOW TO, YOU KNOW,
500
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,330
- MAKE ROPES AND-- EHH!
- [laughter]
501
00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:28,560
YOU KNOW,
MAKE FIRES AND STUFF.
502
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:31,030
AND WOMEN DON'T LEARN
THOSE KIND OF SURVIVAL SKILLS.
503
00:19:31,130 --> 00:19:33,400
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HOW MUCH THAT PISSED ME OFF
AFTER THAT HAPPENED TO ME,
504
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,740
BUT THEN I KIND OF, LIKE,
GOT PERSPECTIVE.
505
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,940
I WAS LIKE,
"GUYS MAY KNOW HOW TO MAKE
ROPES AND FIRES AND STUFF,
506
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:39,910
"BUT WOMEN,
WE CAN MAKE...
507
00:19:40,010 --> 00:19:41,340
'PEOPLE.'"
508
00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,380
[laughter, applause]
509
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,710
OKAY, THAT IS
PRETTY BADASS, OKAY?
510
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:49,150
GIVE ME
THE BACKSEAT OF A TAURUS
AND SOME "SUTTER HOME,"
511
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:50,920
I CAN DUPLICATE!
512
00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:53,360
[laughter, cheers, applause]
513
00:19:54,890 --> 00:19:56,260
AND GUESS WHAT...
514
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:58,490
IT COMES OUT
ON A FREAKIN' ROPE.
515
00:19:58,590 --> 00:20:01,730
[laughter, cheers, applause]
516
00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:06,800
IT'S HARD, THOUGH.
GOING FROM A LONG RELATIONSHIP
517
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:09,200
TO STARTING TO DATE AGAIN
IS VERY DIFFICULT.
518
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,470
'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN
A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,
YOU'RE COMFORTABLE, RIGHT?
519
00:20:11,570 --> 00:20:13,440
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR
ANY MAKEUP.
520
00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:15,240
YOU CAN JUST PEE IN FRONT
OF THE PERSON OR WHATEVER.
521
00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:16,840
WHEN YOU'RE
DATING SOMEBODY NEW,
522
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:19,050
YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BE PERFECT.
523
00:20:19,150 --> 00:20:21,180
LIKE, I'VE BEEN DATING
A NEW GUY, AND I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO BE SO PERFECT.
524
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,650
BASICALLY, THE FIRST,
LIKE, THREE MONTHS
OF ME DATING THIS GUY--
525
00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:26,050
EVERY SECOND
HAS BASICALLY BEEN ME...
526
00:20:26,150 --> 00:20:28,820
TRYING TO NOT FART.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
527
00:20:28,920 --> 00:20:30,890
EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.
IT'S JUST LIKE,
528
00:20:30,990 --> 00:20:32,990
"PLEASE DON'T FART.
PLEASE DON'T FART.
PLEASE DON'T FART.
529
00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:34,700
PLEASE DON'T FART."
530
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,260
MY ASS IS IN THE SHAPE
OF ITS FUCKING LIFE.
531
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,670
- THAT'S THE UPSIDE.
- [laughter]
532
00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:40,940
BUT THE HARD PART
IS THAT I'LL SOMETIMES
STAY AT HIS HOUSE
533
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,510
FOR A COUPLE DAYS AT A TIME
AND I HAVE TO HOLD IT IN SO LONG
534
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,710
THAT BY THE TIME I LEAVE,
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
535
00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:48,080
SEE YOU LATER."
[loud ongoing fart]
536
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,640
SOMETIMES YOU CAN
CATCH AIR AND LIKE,
537
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:52,410
- [fart, fart]
- [laughter, applause]
538
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:56,980
'CAUSE YOU'RE
ALWAYS TRYIN' TO BE PERFECT
539
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,490
FOR THE NEW GUY,
YOU KNOW?
540
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,560
LIKE, WHEN I STAY
AT THIS GUY'S HOUSE--
541
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,490
THE EXTENT
TO WHICH I TRY TO BE
PERFECT FOR THIS GUY--
542
00:21:02,590 --> 00:21:05,630
I WILL WAKE UP AT 6:00 A.M.
WHILE HE'S STILL ASLEEP,
543
00:21:05,730 --> 00:21:08,660
SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM,
PUT ON A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP,
544
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,530
SNEAK BACK INTO BED,
SO BY THE TIME HE WAKES UP,
545
00:21:11,630 --> 00:21:13,800
I LOOK LIKE
LADY GAGA OR SOMETHING,
WHICH IS SO RIDICULOUS.
546
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:16,570
WOMEN, WE DO NOT NEED
TO LOOK CUTE IN THE MORNING
547
00:21:16,670 --> 00:21:18,840
FOR OUR MAN--
WE DON'T NEED IT,
548
00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:21,780
BECAUSE GUYS,
BEFORE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN
IN THE MORNING,
549
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,450
- YOU GUYS HAVE ERECTIONS.
- [laughter, applause]
550
00:21:24,550 --> 00:21:26,550
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S LYING NEXT TO YOU,
551
00:21:26,650 --> 00:21:28,350
AND YOU'RE
JUST READY TO...
552
00:21:28,450 --> 00:21:30,390
HAVE SEX WITH IT, REALLY?
YOU ARE HEATHENS.
553
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,390
YOU GUYS LITERALLY
WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.
554
00:21:32,490 --> 00:21:34,620
YOU'RE LIKE,
"[snorting, exhales]--
WHERE'S A HOLE?
555
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,290
- GIVE ME A HOLE."
- [laughter, applause]
556
00:21:37,390 --> 00:21:39,060
IT IS BARBARIC.
557
00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,560
[laughter continues]
558
00:21:41,660 --> 00:21:44,070
BUT I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX.
I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX.
559
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:45,670
SO WHAT I STARTED DOING
560
00:21:45,770 --> 00:21:48,170
IS I'LL CUT A HOLE
IN A CANTALOUPE...
561
00:21:48,270 --> 00:21:51,270
[laughter, groans, applause]
562
00:21:51,370 --> 00:21:53,270
PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE
FOR A MINUTE...
563
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:55,310
[laughter, groans]
564
00:21:55,410 --> 00:21:58,580
PUT A WIG ON IT,
LEAVE IT IN THE BED,
565
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:01,250
- AND BOUNCE.
- [laughter, applause]
566
00:22:01,350 --> 00:22:02,820
IT'S HARD,
'CAUSE NOW I'M DATING,
567
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:04,720
AND A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
ARE SETTLING DOWN.
568
00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:06,920
A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
ARE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW,
569
00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:08,660
WHICH IS SO ANNOYING,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE GUYS
ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSES
570
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,560
WHY THEY DON'T
WANNA GET MARRIED WITH ME.
571
00:22:10,660 --> 00:22:12,730
ALL THESE EXCUSES--
LIKE, ONE OF MY FAVORITES IS,
572
00:22:12,830 --> 00:22:15,500
"WE DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED.
IT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER."
573
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:17,830
WHICH IS NOT TRUE.
MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST
A PIECE OF PAPER.
574
00:22:17,930 --> 00:22:20,000
IT'S ABOUT
MORE THAN THAT, OKAY?
IT'S ABOUT...
575
00:22:20,100 --> 00:22:21,770
- A DIAMOND.
- [laughter]
576
00:22:21,870 --> 00:22:23,670
YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
577
00:22:23,770 --> 00:22:25,670
ANY WOMAN WAS EVER LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,
578
00:22:25,770 --> 00:22:27,240
LOOK AT MY PIECE OF PAPER!"
579
00:22:27,340 --> 00:22:29,240
[high-pitch scream]
580
00:22:29,340 --> 00:22:31,050
- DON'T BE STUPID.
- [laughter]
581
00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:33,210
YOU CAN'T PUT A PIECE OF PAPER
ON eBAY WHEN WE BREAK UP.
582
00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:34,780
THAT'S NOT HELPFUL TO ME.
583
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,620
[laughter]
584
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:39,250
MY OTHER FAVORITE EXCUSE
THAT I'VE HEARD BEFORE IS,
585
00:22:39,350 --> 00:22:40,660
"YEAH,
WE SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED.
586
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,690
MONOGAMY IS JUST NOT NATURAL."
587
00:22:42,790 --> 00:22:44,360
YEAH,
NEITHER ARE FAKE TITS,
BUT YOU GUYS
588
00:22:44,460 --> 00:22:45,960
FRICKIN' LOVE THOSE!
589
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:48,630
[laughter, applause]
590
00:22:48,730 --> 00:22:51,200
I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED,
SO NOW I GO TO ALL THESE EVENTS.
591
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:54,000
LIKE, I RECENTLY
HAD TO GO TO A BRIDAL SHOWER
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.
592
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:56,700
NOBODY TOLD ME YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BRING SEX TOYS.
593
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,110
I SHOWED UP WITH A TEAPOT,
LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
594
00:22:59,210 --> 00:23:00,940
[laughter]
595
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,410
AND SEX TOYS
HAVE GOTTEN CRAZY.
THERE WAS ONE--
596
00:23:03,510 --> 00:23:06,550
IT WAS A VIBRATOR
THAT HAD FEATHERS?
597
00:23:06,650 --> 00:23:09,380
ON THERE, I WAS LIKE,
"IS THAT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T
HAD SEX IN SO LONG,
598
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:10,950
"YOU CAN JUST DUST IT OFF...
599
00:23:11,050 --> 00:23:12,490
[laughter]
600
00:23:12,590 --> 00:23:14,620
AND GET BUSY?"
601
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,460
AND THEN I RECENTLY GOT TO GO
TO A BACHELORETTE PARTY,
602
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,090
WHICH THOSE
ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN.
603
00:23:18,190 --> 00:23:19,930
WE WENT TO A MALE STRIP CLUB,
604
00:23:20,030 --> 00:23:21,760
AND THE THING
THAT CRACKS ME UP ABOUT
MALE STRIPPERS
605
00:23:21,860 --> 00:23:24,630
IS THEY'RE ALWAYS IN, LIKE,
POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS,
606
00:23:24,730 --> 00:23:26,670
RIGHT, AND LIKE
FIREMEN'S UNIFORMS.
607
00:23:26,770 --> 00:23:29,540
- YOU KNOW
- [laughter]
608
00:23:29,640 --> 00:23:32,710
[whistles, cheers, applause]
609
00:23:32,810 --> 00:23:35,640
MALE STRIPPERS ARE ALWAYS IN
POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS, FIREMEN'S,
610
00:23:35,740 --> 00:23:38,350
'CAUSE THEY SAY THAT
WOMEN LIKE A "MAN IN UNIFORM."
611
00:23:38,450 --> 00:23:41,020
IT'S NOT ABOUT
"THE UNIFORM," OKAY?
612
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,380
WE LIKE MEN "WITH JOBS."
613
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:45,120
[laughter, cheers, applause]
614
00:23:45,220 --> 00:23:47,390
[chuckles]
615
00:23:47,490 --> 00:23:51,390
YOU WILL NEVER SEE
A MALE STRIPPER COME OUT
WITH PAJAMA PANTS ON...
616
00:23:51,490 --> 00:23:53,560
HOLDING A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER
AND A POP-TART.
617
00:23:53,660 --> 00:23:55,760
[laughter, applause]
618
00:23:55,860 --> 00:23:57,830
AND I HAVE TO GO
TO WEDDINGS ALL THE TIME.
619
00:23:57,930 --> 00:24:00,300
AND I THINK THE CRAZIEST PART
ABOUT GOING TO WEDDINGS IS LIKE,
620
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:01,740
THE CATCHING
OF THE BOUQUET THING,
621
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,670
'CAUSE WOMEN
GET PSYCHO ABOUT--
622
00:24:03,770 --> 00:24:05,510
I WENT IN THERE ONCE
TO TRY TO CATCH THE BOUQUET,
623
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:07,540
- I GOT SHANKED.
- [laughter, applause]
624
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,310
'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY
IS THAT IF YOU CATCH THE BOUQUET
625
00:24:09,410 --> 00:24:11,850
THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA BE
THE NEXT WOMAN TO GET MARRIED.
626
00:24:11,950 --> 00:24:14,080
NA-AH, CATCH THE BOUQUET,
SEE IF ONE GUY TALKS TO YOU
627
00:24:14,180 --> 00:24:15,420
FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
628
00:24:15,520 --> 00:24:17,590
[laughter]
629
00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:19,920
I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED
AND HAVING BABIES NOW, TOO,
630
00:24:20,020 --> 00:24:21,590
LIKE, ON PURPOSE.
631
00:24:21,690 --> 00:24:24,890
- I KNOW.
- [laughter]
632
00:24:24,990 --> 00:24:27,860
I FEEL LIKE WOMEN,
AFTER THEY GIVE BIRTH,
THEY JUST GO INSANE.
633
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,400
LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE
WHO HAD A BABY SIX MONTHS AGO,
634
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,200
AND SHE CALLS ME UP,
AND SHE'S LIKE,
635
00:24:32,300 --> 00:24:33,500
"DO YOU WANNA COME OVER
636
00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,540
AND WATCH MY BIRTH VIDEO?"
637
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,200
(man)
HAH-HAH-HAH!
638
00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:39,010
I WAS LIKE, UH...
639
00:24:39,110 --> 00:24:40,940
[laughter, applause]
640
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,510
I WAS LIKE,
"HELL, YEAH, I DO."
641
00:24:43,610 --> 00:24:45,680
YOU GUYS,
I WENT OVER THERE.
642
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:48,020
IT WAS THE BIGGEST COOTER
I'VE EVER SEEN...
643
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,520
[laughter, applause]
644
00:24:49,620 --> 00:24:51,090
BUT LIKE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT,
645
00:24:51,190 --> 00:24:52,450
LIKE SHAKY-CAM COOTER.
646
00:24:52,550 --> 00:24:54,460
[laughter]
647
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,960
IT LOOKED LIKE PORN
FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD, OKAY?
648
00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:58,430
[laughter continues]
649
00:24:58,530 --> 00:24:59,860
AND DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS?
650
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,760
AFTER THE BABY
COMES OUT OF THERE,
651
00:25:01,860 --> 00:25:04,270
A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT
COMES OUT, YOU GUYS.
652
00:25:04,370 --> 00:25:05,670
A JELLYFISH FLEW BY.
653
00:25:05,770 --> 00:25:07,800
[laughter, applause]
654
00:25:07,900 --> 00:25:09,970
A TRAMPOLINE
CAME OUT OF THERE.
655
00:25:10,070 --> 00:25:13,540
I SWEAR TO GOD, JAMIROQUAI
CAME OUT OF HER THING, GUYS.
656
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,910
IT WAS LIKE
CRAIGSLIST EXPLODED.
657
00:25:16,010 --> 00:25:18,510
I WAS LIKE, "I WANNA GIVE BIRTH
JUST SO I CAN FIND MY CAR KEYS."
658
00:25:18,610 --> 00:25:20,280
- LIKE, WHAT...?
- [laughter, applause]
659
00:25:20,380 --> 00:25:22,620
I THINK ALL OF THAT STUFF--
BABIES AND MARRIAGE--
660
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,650
I THINK THAT
ALL THAT'S ABOUT ROMANCE.
661
00:25:24,750 --> 00:25:26,620
I THINK US WOMEN,
WE ARE OBSESSED
WITH ROMANCE, RIGHT,
662
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:28,120
AND I THINK WE GET BRAINWASHED
FROM ROMANTIC MOVIES.
663
00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:30,730
I THINK THAT IS WHERE IT COMES
FROM. LIKE, I RECENTLY SAW, UM,
664
00:25:30,830 --> 00:25:32,560
THESE MOVIES CALLED TWILIGHT.
665
00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:34,460
- HAVE WE SEEN THIS MOVIE?
- (male) WOO!
666
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:36,430
RANDOM YELLING GUY?
YEAH, YOU'VE SEEN IT.
667
00:25:36,530 --> 00:25:38,600
I KNOW YOU HAVE,
FOR SURE.
668
00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:40,570
BUT I RECENTLY SAW
THESE MOVIES TWILIGHT.
669
00:25:40,670 --> 00:25:42,470
THEY ARE SO ROMANTIC.
670
00:25:42,570 --> 00:25:43,910
THIS VAMPIRE'S
MADLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL,
671
00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:45,670
AND THEY'RE SO OBSESSED
WITH EACH OTHER.
672
00:25:45,770 --> 00:25:47,640
THEY BRAINWASH YOU.
I WENT INTO THIS MOVIE.
673
00:25:47,740 --> 00:25:49,340
I WAS LIKE,
"OH, SOME MOVIE ABOUT
HIGH SCHOOLERS."
674
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:50,780
I CAME OUT OF IT,
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
675
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:52,580
I HAVE TO MARRY A VAMPIRE.
OH, MY GOD."
676
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,650
- [laughter]
- IT MAKES YOU OBSESSED.
677
00:25:54,750 --> 00:25:56,580
GUYS,
DON'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIENDS
SEE THIS MOVIE.
678
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,150
SHE WILL LEAVE
YOUR ASS, OKAY?
679
00:25:59,250 --> 00:26:01,220
AFTER I SAW THE MOVIE,
I WOULDN'T TALK
TO THE GUY I WAS DATING
680
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,090
FOR, LIKE, FIVE DAYS.
FINALLY, HE WAS LIKE,
681
00:26:03,190 --> 00:26:04,760
"BABE, WHAT'S WRONG?"
I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
682
00:26:04,860 --> 00:26:06,160
"I KINDA NEED TO DATE
SOMEONE WHO CAN...
683
00:26:06,260 --> 00:26:08,100
- 'FLY.'"
- [laughter]
684
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,100
BUT THIS MOVIE--
I THINK IT PROVES THAT
WOMEN HAVE, LIKE,
685
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:11,970
A BAD-BOY COMPLEX,
'CAUSE THE VAMPIRE
686
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,200
SAYS TO THE GIRL
IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE--
687
00:26:14,300 --> 00:26:15,700
HE'S LIKE,
"I WANNA KILL YOU.
688
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,710
I WANNA SUCK YOUR BLOOD."
689
00:26:17,810 --> 00:26:20,470
SHE'S LIKE, [innocent voice]
"IT'S OKAY. I TRUST YOU."
690
00:26:20,570 --> 00:26:22,740
[laughter]
691
00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:24,880
AND THEN HE ADMITS
692
00:26:24,980 --> 00:26:27,310
THAT HE'S
KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE,
AND SHE'S FINE WITH IT,
693
00:26:27,410 --> 00:26:30,280
WHICH, ACTUALLY,
I'M SUCH A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND
THAT IF MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND
694
00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:33,660
TOLD ME HE HAD KILLED PEOPLE,
I'D BE LIKE, "WHO WAS SHE?
695
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,560
IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME,
IS THAT IT?"
696
00:26:36,660 --> 00:26:39,390
- YEAH.
- [cheers, whistles, applause]
697
00:26:39,490 --> 00:26:42,360
I JUST WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE.
I THINK THAT WOULD BE SO BADASS.
698
00:26:42,460 --> 00:26:44,070
LIKE, DATING A VAMPIRE
699
00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:46,100
WILL LITERALLY SOLVE
ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, RIGHT?
700
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,270
LIKE IF,
IF YOU'RE DATING A VAMPIRE,
701
00:26:48,370 --> 00:26:50,570
YOU WOULD
ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
702
00:26:50,670 --> 00:26:52,440
LIKE, YOU'D BE DRIVING ALONG
WITH YOUR VAMPIRE,
703
00:26:52,540 --> 00:26:54,380
AND HE'D BE LIKE,
"I'M THINKING ABOUT
SEEING OTHER PEOPLE."
704
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,080
YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, REALLY,
'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT
705
00:26:56,180 --> 00:26:58,910
- "PUTTING THE SUNROOF DOWN...
- [laughter]
706
00:26:59,010 --> 00:27:01,120
- "BITCH.
- [laughter continues]
707
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,920
DON'T MAKE ME GO TO GNC
AND GET SOME GARLIQUE."
708
00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:06,450
[laughter]
709
00:27:06,550 --> 00:27:09,690
BUT THE PROBLEM WITH VAMPIRES
IS THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE 20,
710
00:27:09,790 --> 00:27:11,890
BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY,
LIKE, 100 YEARS OLD.
711
00:27:11,990 --> 00:27:13,700
SO YOU'D BE DATING
THIS HOT YOUNG GUY
712
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,530
WHO, LIKE, GREW UP
IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION
713
00:27:15,630 --> 00:27:17,200
AND, LIKE,
HATES IRISH PEOPLE.
714
00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:19,170
[laughter]
715
00:27:19,270 --> 00:27:21,570
AND THEN, LIKE,
YOU TAKE HIM OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB,
716
00:27:21,670 --> 00:27:23,440
AND HE'D BE, LIKE,
DOING THE CHARLESTON.
717
00:27:23,540 --> 00:27:26,010
[laughter, applause]
718
00:27:26,110 --> 00:27:27,570
OR, LIKE, YOU THINK
HE'S CHEATING ON YOU,
719
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,240
SO YOU
GO THROUGH HIS JOURNAL.
720
00:27:29,340 --> 00:27:31,010
YOU'RE LIKE,
"WHO THE HELL IS THIS SLUT, HUH?
721
00:27:31,110 --> 00:27:33,310
HARRIET TUBMAN?
WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!"
722
00:27:33,410 --> 00:27:35,380
YOU GUYS NEED TO BRUSH UP
ON YOUR BLACK HISTORY,
723
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:36,750
- JUST...
- [laughter]
724
00:27:36,850 --> 00:27:38,420
JUST THAT AREA.
725
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,590
[laughter]
726
00:27:40,690 --> 00:27:42,490
WOMEN GET OBSESSED
WITH ROMANCE.
727
00:27:42,590 --> 00:27:44,460
I THINK IT ALSO COMES FROM
THE NICKNAMES WE GET GROWING UP.
728
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,130
WITH MY DAD GROWING UP,
CALLED ME "PRINCESS," RIGHT?
729
00:27:47,230 --> 00:27:50,030
PRINCESS-- HE DRILLED IT
INTO MY HEAD AS A KID THAT
I'M A FRICKIN' PRINCESS.
730
00:27:50,130 --> 00:27:51,900
AND THEN I GREW UP,
AND I GOT TO THE REAL WORLD,
731
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,300
AND I REALIZED
THAT NO ONE ELSE WAS ON BOARD...
732
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:55,870
[laughter]
733
00:27:55,970 --> 00:27:57,910
WITH THE WHOLE
PRINCESS THING, RIGHT?
734
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,310
PRINCESSES DON'T LOSE
THEIR VIRGINITY AT LOLLAPALOOZA.
735
00:28:00,410 --> 00:28:01,940
THAT'S JUST NOT...
736
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:05,180
[laughter, cheers, applause]
737
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:06,980
I THINK WE NEED TO START
CALLING KIDS THINGS
738
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:08,850
TO PREPARE THEM
FOR REAL LIFE.
739
00:28:08,950 --> 00:28:10,580
YOU KNOW,
"GET IN THE CAR, REHAB.
LET'S GO."
740
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:12,690
[laughter]
741
00:28:12,790 --> 00:28:15,260
WOMEN GET CALLED THINGS
THAT MAKE 'EM
OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE.
742
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:16,990
GUYS GET CALLED THINGS THAT
MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH SPORTS.
743
00:28:17,090 --> 00:28:19,560
YOU GUYS GET CALLED,
LIKE, "CHAMP"...
744
00:28:19,660 --> 00:28:22,000
- EHH.
- [laughter]
745
00:28:22,100 --> 00:28:24,100
"SPORT."
YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED
WITH SPORTS,
746
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:26,730
YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN REFER
TO INCREMENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP
747
00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:28,440
WITHOUT REFERRING
TO SPORTS, RIGHT?
748
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:29,870
"FIRST BASE."
749
00:28:29,970 --> 00:28:32,170
"WE GOT TO SECOND BASE."
750
00:28:32,270 --> 00:28:33,910
LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE
WOMEN RUNNING AROUND
REFERRING TO INCREMENTS
751
00:28:34,010 --> 00:28:35,640
OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS
THROUGH THINGS WE LIKE.
752
00:28:35,740 --> 00:28:37,480
IT'S NOT LIKE,
"LAST NIGHT, ME AND MARK...
753
00:28:37,580 --> 00:28:38,880
UGH! CHANEL PURSE."
754
00:28:38,980 --> 00:28:41,250
[laughter, applause]
755
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:47,020
YOU GUYS
ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS
756
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,890
THAT YOU GUYS
WILL WEAR JERSEYS
757
00:28:49,990 --> 00:28:52,490
FOR TEAMS
THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON...
758
00:28:52,590 --> 00:28:54,060
[laughter]
759
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,660
BUT YOU THINK
YOU'RE ON THE TEAM.
760
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:58,430
YOU'LL BE LIKE,
"YEAH, LAST NIGHT I GUESS
761
00:28:58,530 --> 00:28:59,730
" WE JUST DIDN'T SCORE ENOUGH.
762
00:28:59,830 --> 00:29:02,000
[laughter]
763
00:29:02,100 --> 00:29:04,210
LAST NIGHT I GUESS WE JUST
DIDN'T PLAY ENOUGH DEFENSE."
764
00:29:04,310 --> 00:29:05,910
- "'WE'?
- [laughter]
765
00:29:06,010 --> 00:29:07,740
"THE REDSKINS
DON'T NEED 'YOU.'
766
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:09,780
[laughter]
767
00:29:09,880 --> 00:29:12,450
"OKAY, THAT'S LIKE
ME WATCHING GREY'S ANATOMY
768
00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:14,720
IN SCRUBS."
769
00:29:14,820 --> 00:29:16,780
[laughter]
770
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,190
[whistles]
771
00:29:19,290 --> 00:29:22,390
[cheers, applause]
772
00:29:22,490 --> 00:29:25,560
BUT THEN
AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER,
I'D BE LIKE,
773
00:29:25,660 --> 00:29:27,190
"OH, GOD, WE JUST
COULD NOT SAVE THAT GUY.
774
00:29:27,290 --> 00:29:28,600
I DON'T KNOW."
775
00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:32,430
[laughter]
776
00:29:32,530 --> 00:29:34,100
YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH,
777
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,400
YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN
THROW YOUR TRASH
778
00:29:36,500 --> 00:29:38,270
INTO THE GARBAGE NORMALLY.
779
00:29:38,370 --> 00:29:40,880
[laughter]
780
00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:43,950
YOU GUYS HAVE TO SHOOT
YOUR GARBAGE ACROSS THE ROOM
781
00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:46,180
LIKE IT'S
AN NBA BASKETBALL GAME.
782
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:48,980
LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN LIVING
OUT OUR DREAMS WITH OUR TRASH.
783
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:50,750
I DON'T TAKE, LIKE,
A USED GUM WRAPPER,
784
00:29:50,850 --> 00:29:52,590
PUT IT AROUND MY RING FINGER
AND BE LIKE...
785
00:29:52,690 --> 00:29:54,760
[laughter, applause]
786
00:29:54,860 --> 00:29:56,790
"BRAD PITT AND I
ARE THINKING ABOUT THE FALL,
787
00:29:56,890 --> 00:29:59,030
- SO..."
- [laughter]
788
00:29:59,130 --> 00:30:01,500
YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH
THAT YOU GUYS--
789
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,130
I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS DO THINGS
YOU WOULD NEVER NORMALLY DO,
790
00:30:04,230 --> 00:30:06,570
JUST 'CAUSE
THEY HAVE SPORTS TERMS
ASSOCIATED WITH THEM.
791
00:30:06,670 --> 00:30:08,170
LIKE, I HAVE A FEELING
792
00:30:08,270 --> 00:30:09,900
THE ONLY REASON
YOU GUYS LIKE BEING SINGLE
793
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,140
IS 'CAUSE IT'S CALLED
"PLAYING THE FIELD,"
794
00:30:12,240 --> 00:30:13,980
'CAUSE YOU GUYS
HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELVES
THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE--
795
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:15,740
LIKE, "I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN'
WITH THESE CHICKS.
796
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,810
"I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN'.
UH, I'M SUCH A...
797
00:30:17,910 --> 00:30:19,950
I'M PLAYING THE FIELD.
I'M SO GREAT."
798
00:30:20,050 --> 00:30:21,950
NO, YOU'RE
HOME ALONE JERKING OFF
TO PORN ON YOUR COUCH.
799
00:30:22,050 --> 00:30:23,550
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
800
00:30:23,650 --> 00:30:25,420
[laughter, applause]
801
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:26,990
WHICH, I DON'T LIKE PORN.
802
00:30:27,090 --> 00:30:29,060
I DO NOT LIKE PORN BECAUSE...
803
00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:30,860
- [clapping]
- YOU LOVE PORN?
804
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,290
WHAT DO WE LIKE GOIN' ON?"
805
00:30:32,390 --> 00:30:33,830
WHAT DO WE HAVE
GOIN' ON UP THERE?
806
00:30:33,930 --> 00:30:35,530
YAY PORN OR NO PORN?
807
00:30:35,630 --> 00:30:37,230
- (male) YAY PORN!
- YAY PORN.
808
00:30:37,330 --> 00:30:39,370
- [cheers, applause]
- OH, GOOD, I LIKE YOU GUYS.
809
00:30:39,470 --> 00:30:42,870
D.C., DO YOU GUYS HAVE, LIKE,
POLITICAL PORN, LIKE, KINDA...
810
00:30:42,970 --> 00:30:45,340
LIKE, "OH, LOOK.
IT'S FUCKIN'..."
811
00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:47,270
UH, I DON'T
KNOW ANY POLITICIANS.
812
00:30:47,370 --> 00:30:49,440
- UH...
- [laughter, applause]
813
00:30:49,540 --> 00:30:51,550
[cheers, applause]
814
00:30:53,750 --> 00:30:56,820
I LITERALLY-- THE FIRST THING
THAT CAME TO MIND WAS ART MONK
815
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:58,950
- WHO WAS NOT...
- (male) YEAH!
816
00:30:59,050 --> 00:31:01,520
YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY
TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THIS.
817
00:31:01,620 --> 00:31:02,860
UM, HE WAS NOT A POLITICIAN.
818
00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:04,330
[laughter]
819
00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:06,230
TEN-YEAR-OLD
IN THE FRONT. OKAY.
820
00:31:06,330 --> 00:31:08,100
[laughter]
821
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,160
I DON'T LIKE PORN,
BECAUSE PORN MAKES YOU REALIZE
822
00:31:10,260 --> 00:31:13,000
ALL THE THINGS
YOU'RE NOT DOING RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
823
00:31:13,100 --> 00:31:14,970
EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN,
824
00:31:15,070 --> 00:31:16,740
LIKE, I'M REMINDED
OF ALL THE THINGS I'M NOT DOING.
825
00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:18,170
I SAW PORN RECENTLY.
826
00:31:18,270 --> 00:31:20,940
I SAW THAT WOMEN
ARE SHAVING BALD.
827
00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:23,680
THEIR PUBES BALD.
ARE WE DOIN' THIS, D.C.?
828
00:31:23,780 --> 00:31:25,810
- [woman cheering]
- OKAY, I LIKE THIS.
829
00:31:25,910 --> 00:31:27,980
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T.
IT GETS WAY TOO COLD
HERE IN THE WINTER.
830
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:29,620
DON'T SHAVE IT.
YOU'RE 10.
831
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,020
- DON'T.
- [laughter]
832
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:32,820
DON'T YOU LOOK AT HER.
833
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:34,820
JUST 'CAUSE
SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
834
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:37,190
- DON'T YOU DARE.
- [oh's, cheers, applause]
835
00:31:38,930 --> 00:31:40,830
I DON'T GET
THE SHAVING YOUR JUNK.
836
00:31:40,930 --> 00:31:43,360
'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
LIKE, WOMEN ARE DOING THAT NOW."
837
00:31:43,460 --> 00:31:45,930
SO I WENT TO GO SHAVE.
I GOT RAZOR BURN.
838
00:31:46,030 --> 00:31:48,340
I LOOKED LIKE I HAD HERPES
FOR TWO WEEKS, OKAY?
839
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,070
- THAT'S NOT CUTE.
- [laughter]
840
00:31:51,170 --> 00:31:53,010
GUYS ARE INTO THAT NOW.
841
00:31:53,110 --> 00:31:54,680
YOU GUYS WANT WOMEN
TO LOOK LIKE LITTLE GIRLS,
842
00:31:54,780 --> 00:31:56,110
WHICH IS NOT--
MY WHOLE THING IS
843
00:31:56,210 --> 00:31:58,210
YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY?
844
00:31:58,310 --> 00:31:59,950
LIKE, I ALREADY
CRY AND THROW TANTRUMS
EVERY FUCKING DAY--
845
00:32:00,050 --> 00:32:01,420
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
846
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,150
YOU WANT ME
TO PEE ON YOUR COUCH?
847
00:32:03,250 --> 00:32:05,490
- I CAN DO THAT.
- [laughter]
848
00:32:05,590 --> 00:32:06,950
LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY?
HOW 'BOUT YOU PAY ME
849
00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:09,320
AN ALLOWANCE?
LET'S START THERE.
850
00:32:09,420 --> 00:32:12,430
HOW ABOUT YOU PACK ME A LUNCH?
I LIKE THIS IDEA. YES.
851
00:32:12,530 --> 00:32:14,500
[laughter]
852
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,330
I DON'T LIKE PORN,
BECAUSE I THINK IT SETS
THE BAR TOO HIGH.
853
00:32:16,430 --> 00:32:18,400
LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO COMPETE WITH PORN.
854
00:32:18,500 --> 00:32:21,070
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE WOMEN IN PORN
ARE ALWAYS YELLING SO LOUD,
855
00:32:21,170 --> 00:32:23,070
WHICH I GUESS YOU GUYS
THINK THAT'S SEXY.
856
00:32:23,170 --> 00:32:25,410
I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.
I'M VERY QUIET IN THE BEDROOM.
857
00:32:25,510 --> 00:32:27,910
I LIKE TO KEEP
A VERY LOW PROFILE IN THERE.
858
00:32:28,010 --> 00:32:29,610
[laughter]
859
00:32:29,710 --> 00:32:32,310
I WILL OCCASIONALLY
WHISPER ENCOURAGING THINGS.
860
00:32:32,410 --> 00:32:33,810
[laughter]
861
00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:35,380
YOU KNOW, I'LL BE LIKE,
862
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:36,750
"GOOD JOB.
863
00:32:36,850 --> 00:32:41,090
[laughter, applause]
864
00:32:43,820 --> 00:32:45,430
"I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.
865
00:32:45,530 --> 00:32:48,230
[laughter, applause]
866
00:32:51,730 --> 00:32:54,570
"I REALLY THINK YOU'RE SHOWING
A LOT OF IMPROVEMENT.
867
00:32:54,670 --> 00:32:57,000
[laughter, applause]
868
00:32:59,110 --> 00:33:02,110
[chanting]
RUDY. RUDY. RUDY."
869
00:33:02,210 --> 00:33:04,950
[laughter, applause]
870
00:33:05,050 --> 00:33:06,780
IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCH PORN,
871
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:08,350
YOUR SEX LIVES
WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER,
872
00:33:08,450 --> 00:33:10,150
'CAUSE THE BAR WOULD BE
SO MUCH LOWER, RIGHT?
873
00:33:10,250 --> 00:33:12,220
IF YOU GUYS
NEVER WATCHED PORN,
874
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:14,090
YOU'D COME HOME,
YOU'D SEE YOUR GIRL
LYING ON THE BED.
875
00:33:14,190 --> 00:33:15,960
YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH MY GOD.
SHE'S WEARING SWEATPANTS.
876
00:33:16,060 --> 00:33:17,590
[laughter]
877
00:33:17,690 --> 00:33:19,990
LOOK AT THAT SNUGGY."
878
00:33:20,090 --> 00:33:22,500
[laughter, applause]
879
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,900
WHY DO I THINK
ALL YOUR PENISES
ARE THIS LONG?
880
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:28,600
[laughter]
881
00:33:28,700 --> 00:33:30,500
I DON'T LIKE PORN.
WOMEN DO NOT LIKE PORN.
882
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:32,570
WE'RE WAY TOO SENSITIVE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
883
00:33:32,670 --> 00:33:35,240
LIKE, WHEN I WATCH PORN,
I'M NOT LIKE INTO IT,
AND LIKE, "OH YEAH."
884
00:33:35,340 --> 00:33:38,350
I JUST GET VERY WORRIED
ABOUT THE WOMEN IN THE PORN.
885
00:33:38,450 --> 00:33:40,410
I START SPINNING OUT--
I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
886
00:33:40,510 --> 00:33:42,780
"SHE PROBABLY
DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
887
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:45,150
SHE REALLY NEEDS
A BACKUP PLAN."
888
00:33:45,250 --> 00:33:47,490
[laughter, applause]
889
00:33:47,590 --> 00:33:49,990
BUT I THINK WOMEN
SHOULD WATCH PORN MORE,
890
00:33:50,090 --> 00:33:52,260
BECAUSE WOMEN--
IF YOU GUYS WATCH PORN, LADIES,
891
00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,100
YOU WOULD SEE WHERE YOUR MAN
892
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:55,860
WAS GETTING ALL THOSE
STUPID FRICKIN' IDEAS.
893
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:57,660
LIKE, LITERALLY
EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN,
894
00:33:57,760 --> 00:34:00,630
I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S WHY
HE MADE ME BUY ROLLER SKATES.
895
00:34:00,730 --> 00:34:03,870
OKAY, THAT'S WHY
THERE'S TWO POUNDS OF PUDDING
IN THE FRIDGE-- OKAY."
896
00:34:03,970 --> 00:34:05,540
[laughter]
897
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:07,270
BUT WOMEN
ARE TOO SENSITIVE FOR THAT.
898
00:34:07,370 --> 00:34:08,840
LIKE, I DON'T LIKE PORN.
IT'S TOO GRAPHIC.
899
00:34:08,940 --> 00:34:10,540
LIKE, IF PORN
WAS MADE FOR WOMEN,
900
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:14,120
IT WOULD JUST BE, LIKE,
TWO HOURS OF SNUGGLING...
901
00:34:14,220 --> 00:34:16,020
AND AT THE END,
THE GUY WOULD PROPOSE.
902
00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,090
[laughter]
903
00:34:18,190 --> 00:34:19,720
I WOULD WATCH THAT.
904
00:34:19,820 --> 00:34:22,020
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT.
905
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:23,690
I DON'T LIKE PORN.
906
00:34:23,790 --> 00:34:25,460
THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP
THE MOST ABOUT PORN
907
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,030
IS YOU GUYS DON'T THINK
WE KNOW YOU WATCH IT.
908
00:34:27,130 --> 00:34:29,000
IT IS SO OBVIOUS,
909
00:34:29,100 --> 00:34:30,830
ESPECIALLY IF YOU WATCH IT
ON THE COMPUTER,
910
00:34:30,930 --> 00:34:33,930
'CAUSE EITHER, NUMBER ONE,
YOU ERASE YOUR HISTORY...
911
00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:35,470
IN THE MENU BAR--
912
00:34:35,570 --> 00:34:37,400
AND I KNOW
YOU DID SOME CRAZY SHIT--
913
00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:38,870
[laughter]
914
00:34:38,970 --> 00:34:40,510
OR YOU DON'T ERASE
YOUR HISTORY,
915
00:34:40,610 --> 00:34:42,280
AND I TRY TO GO
TO Google.com,
916
00:34:42,380 --> 00:34:44,650
BUT IT GOES TO
GoodJigglyJugs.com...
917
00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:46,380
[laughter]
918
00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:49,150
DEAL WITH THAT AT 7:00 A.M.
919
00:34:49,250 --> 00:34:51,450
THE OTHER REASON
WE KNOW YOU GUYS WATCH PORN
920
00:34:51,550 --> 00:34:53,750
IS 'CAUSE YOU GUYS
WILL DO THINGS IN THE BEDROOM
921
00:34:53,850 --> 00:34:57,690
THAT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY,
LIKE, COPYING FROM PORN,
922
00:34:57,790 --> 00:35:00,560
LIKE THE SPANKING THING.
923
00:35:00,660 --> 00:35:02,460
WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS,
924
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:04,930
WE'RE JUST
FRICKIN' LAUGHING AT YOU,
OKAY? I'M SORRY.
925
00:35:05,030 --> 00:35:06,300
WE'RE LIKE,
"YEAH, I'M A BAD GIRL.
926
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:09,470
- "PFFFT!
- [laughter]
927
00:35:09,570 --> 00:35:12,040
- "WHAT AN IDIOT.
- [laughter continues]
928
00:35:12,140 --> 00:35:14,010
PLEASE DON'T FART.
PLEASE DON'T FART."
929
00:35:14,110 --> 00:35:16,280
[laughter, applause]
930
00:35:16,380 --> 00:35:19,450
[cheers, applause]
931
00:35:19,550 --> 00:35:21,320
THE NEW THING YOU GUYS
ARE DOING IN THE BEDROOM
932
00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:22,980
THAT I KNOW
YOU'RE COPYING FROM PORN
933
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:24,620
IS THE CHOKING THING.
934
00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:26,050
(woman) OH!
935
00:35:26,150 --> 00:35:27,690
YOU ALWAYS KNOW
WHO'S BEEN CHOKED.
936
00:35:27,790 --> 00:35:30,520
[laughter, cheers, applause]
937
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:33,560
IT'S LIKE,
938
00:35:33,660 --> 00:35:35,760
I DIDN'T KNOW
THE CHOKING THING WAS GOING ON.
939
00:35:35,860 --> 00:35:38,500
IMAGINE MY SURPRISE...
940
00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,600
THE FIRST TIME THAT WENT DOWN,
I WAS LIKE,
941
00:35:40,700 --> 00:35:43,470
"UGH. I DON'T KNOW
WHERE HE PUT THE MONEY."
942
00:35:43,570 --> 00:35:46,310
[laughter]
943
00:35:48,910 --> 00:35:51,410
THE FUNNY THING TO ME
ABOUT THE CHOKING THING
944
00:35:51,510 --> 00:35:53,850
IS IT'S THE ONLY FAKE, LIKE,
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU"
945
00:35:53,950 --> 00:35:56,580
THING YOU CAN DO
IN THE BEDROOM
THAT'S ACTUALLY SEXY.
946
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:59,250
LIKE, YOU CAN'T MIME ANY OTHER
KILLING TACTICS IN THE BEDROOM.
947
00:35:59,350 --> 00:36:01,390
IT'S NOT LIKE
948
00:36:01,490 --> 00:36:03,320
A NAKED GUY CAN COME OUT
OF THE BATHROOM AND BE LIKE...
949
00:36:03,420 --> 00:36:06,190
[imitating Jaws theme]
* DA NA
950
00:36:06,290 --> 00:36:08,800
* DA-NA DA-NA
DA-NA DA-NA *
951
00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:10,730
[laughter, applause]
952
00:36:12,930 --> 00:36:14,570
GUYS ARE
INTO THE CHOKING THING.
953
00:36:14,670 --> 00:36:16,540
SO NOW WHEN A GUY TRIES
TO CHOKE ME IN THE BEDROOM,
954
00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,140
I'LL JUST GO ALONG WITH IT.
I'LL BE LIKE,
955
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:19,770
"OOH-AH!
956
00:36:19,870 --> 00:36:21,740
[laughter]
957
00:36:21,840 --> 00:36:24,310
"UH-AHH-AHH!
958
00:36:24,410 --> 00:36:26,950
UUUUUAAAAAA..."
959
00:36:27,050 --> 00:36:29,120
YOU GOTTA SELL IT!
960
00:36:29,220 --> 00:36:31,790
[laughter, applause]
961
00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:33,650
I USED TO WORRY ABOUT PORN.
962
00:36:33,750 --> 00:36:35,720
I USED TO BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
MY MAN'S WATCHING PORN."
963
00:36:35,820 --> 00:36:38,160
YOU KNOW, "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME,
OR HE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME."
964
00:36:38,260 --> 00:36:40,030
PORN IS NOT A THREAT
TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS.
965
00:36:40,130 --> 00:36:41,360
I LIKE TO THINK
ABOUT IT LIKE THIS--
966
00:36:41,460 --> 00:36:43,430
GUYS WATCHING PORN
967
00:36:43,530 --> 00:36:46,630
IS LIKE WOMEN WATCHING
THE FOOD NETWORK.
968
00:36:46,730 --> 00:36:49,800
'KAY, WE'RE BOTH WATCHING THINGS
WE ARE NEVER GONNA FRIGGIN' DO.
969
00:36:49,900 --> 00:36:51,910
[laughter, applause]
970
00:36:53,810 --> 00:36:55,840
WOMEN HAVE OUR OWN VERSION
OF PORN, RIGHT?
971
00:36:55,940 --> 00:36:57,710
OUR VERSION OF PORN
IS ROMANTIC COMEDIES, RIGHT?
972
00:36:57,810 --> 00:36:59,980
WE COMPARE YOU GUYS TO THE MEN
IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES
973
00:37:00,080 --> 00:37:02,250
JUST LIKE YOU COMPARE US
TO THE WOMEN IN PORN, RIGHT?
974
00:37:02,350 --> 00:37:04,320
YOU GUYS TAKE US OUT
TO A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT
975
00:37:04,420 --> 00:37:06,020
WITH SHRIMP AND CHAMPAGNE--
IN OUR MINDS WE'RE LIKE,
976
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:07,950
"YEAH, WELL,
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
TOOK HIS GIRLFRIEND
977
00:37:08,050 --> 00:37:09,820
"INTO A HOT-AIR BALLOON
AND GOT HER A DIAMOND NECKLACE
978
00:37:09,920 --> 00:37:12,430
AND A PANDA--
THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!"
979
00:37:12,530 --> 00:37:14,760
ROMANTIC COMEDIES--
THEY BRAINWASH WOMEN.
980
00:37:14,860 --> 00:37:17,360
THEY MAKE US BELIEVE IN, LIKE,
"FATE" AND "DESTINY."
981
00:37:17,460 --> 00:37:19,870
FATE AND DESTINY
ARE NAMES OF STRIPPERS, OKAY?
982
00:37:19,970 --> 00:37:21,700
THEY'RE NOT REAL...
983
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,440
[laughter, applause]
984
00:37:24,540 --> 00:37:27,010
IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH,
BECAUSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES
985
00:37:27,110 --> 00:37:29,310
SET THE BAR SO HIGH
FOR YOU GUYS,
986
00:37:29,410 --> 00:37:31,180
BUT WHAT'S WEIRD
IS THAT GUYS ARE THE ONES
987
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:33,310
THAT WRITE
ALL THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES.
GUYS RUN HOLLYWOOD.
988
00:37:33,410 --> 00:37:35,220
IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD,
THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES WOULD BE
989
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:37,020
A LOT MORE REALISTIC,
SO THERE'D BE
990
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:39,050
A LOT LESS DISAPPOINTMENT
WHEN YOU LEFT THE THEATER.
991
00:37:39,150 --> 00:37:41,690
NO MORE FRIGGIN' MODELS BEING
CAST AS THE LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE.
992
00:37:41,790 --> 00:37:43,590
LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE
IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD?
993
00:37:43,690 --> 00:37:46,090
KATHY FREAKIN' BATES, BITCH.
994
00:37:46,190 --> 00:37:48,190
ANGELINA JOLIE
WOULD NEVER WORK AGAIN.
995
00:37:48,300 --> 00:37:50,230
I DON'T CARE.
CAMBODIA CAN FUCKING HAVE HER.
996
00:37:50,330 --> 00:37:52,870
- FUCK HER.
- [laughter]
997
00:37:52,970 --> 00:37:56,200
[cheers, applause]
998
00:37:56,300 --> 00:37:59,940
OUR NEW SEXY ACTION STAR--
OPRAH. BAM!
999
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,710
SHE BLOWS SOME SHIT UP
AND EVERYONE GETS A CAR.
1000
00:38:02,810 --> 00:38:04,510
[laughter]
1001
00:38:04,610 --> 00:38:06,480
- I WOULD SEE THAT MOVIE.
- [laughter continues]
1002
00:38:06,580 --> 00:38:08,380
IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE
1003
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,420
ROMANTIC COMEDIES SET THE BAR
SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS.
1004
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,420
WE WANT YOU GUYS TO ACT LIKE
THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES,
1005
00:38:12,520 --> 00:38:14,190
BUT IF YOU EVER DID ACT LIKE
THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES,
1006
00:38:14,290 --> 00:38:15,620
IT WOULD TOTALLY
BACKFIRE, RIGHT?
1007
00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:17,920
LIKE CARRYING A WOMAN
UP THE STAIRS.
1008
00:38:18,020 --> 00:38:19,790
"I'M GONNA CARRY
MY WOMAN UP THE STAIRS AND
SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET."
1009
00:38:19,890 --> 00:38:21,860
IF YOU GUYS TRY TO DO THAT
IN REAL LIFE,
1010
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:25,030
YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU DON'T
SO MUCH AS FREAKIN' WINCE.
1011
00:38:25,130 --> 00:38:27,300
[laughter]
1012
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,970
YOU BETTER GO TO THE GYM.
1013
00:38:30,070 --> 00:38:32,640
YOU MAKE SURE YOU CAN
LIFT HER WEIGHT, BITCHES...
1014
00:38:32,740 --> 00:38:34,110
[laughter]
1015
00:38:34,210 --> 00:38:35,340
'CAUSE IF THERE IS LIKE A...
1016
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:38,410
[grunting]
1017
00:38:38,510 --> 00:38:40,010
YOU ARE SO FUCKED.
1018
00:38:40,110 --> 00:38:41,820
[laughter]
1019
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,390
JUST KILL YOURSELF.
LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT.
1020
00:38:44,490 --> 00:38:46,850
"OH, WHAT, I'M FAT?
IS THAT IT, I'M FAT?
1021
00:38:46,950 --> 00:38:49,460
"GEORGE CLOONEY COULD'VE
CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS.
1022
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:52,460
"RUBEN STUDDARD COULD'VE
CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS.
1023
00:38:52,560 --> 00:38:54,360
YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK!"
1024
00:38:54,460 --> 00:38:57,560
[laughter, applause]
1025
00:38:57,660 --> 00:38:59,670
ANOTHER THING I FEEL LIKE
GUYS ARE ALWAYS DOING
1026
00:38:59,770 --> 00:39:01,600
IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES THAT WOULD
NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE
1027
00:39:01,700 --> 00:39:03,840
IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS
LIGHTING CANDLES TO BE ROMANTIC.
1028
00:39:03,940 --> 00:39:06,240
NO. WOMEN ARE OBSESSED
WITH CANDLES.
1029
00:39:06,340 --> 00:39:07,870
WE'RE LIKE PYROMANIACS, RIGHT?
1030
00:39:07,970 --> 00:39:10,210
YOU GUYS COME OVER.
WE HAVE CANDLES EVERYWHERE.
1031
00:39:10,310 --> 00:39:13,680
YOU DON'T KNOW IF
WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU
OR SACRIFICE YOU, RIGHT?
1032
00:39:13,780 --> 00:39:15,750
BUT, GUYS,
YOU CANNOT LIGHT CANDLES.
1033
00:39:15,850 --> 00:39:17,920
IF I GO TO A GUY'S HOUSE
AND HE'S GOT CANDLES EVERYWHERE,
1034
00:39:18,020 --> 00:39:20,550
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE "ROMANTIC."
I THINK YOU TOOK A "DUMP," OKAY?
1035
00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,390
[laughter, applause]
1036
00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:24,060
WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
1037
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,190
STOP-- EHH--
1038
00:39:26,290 --> 00:39:28,830
TRYIN' TO "GLADE"
YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT...
1039
00:39:28,930 --> 00:39:30,500
CHIPOTLE-- JUST STOP.
1040
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,330
[laughter, applause]
1041
00:39:32,430 --> 00:39:33,830
THE OTHER THING GUYS DO
IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES
1042
00:39:33,930 --> 00:39:36,240
THAT WOULD NEVER FLY
IN REAL LIFE
1043
00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:38,970
IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS,
LIKE, SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
1044
00:39:39,070 --> 00:39:41,310
LIKE, I WAS WATCHING ONE,
WHERE THIS WOMAN WAS LIKE,
GARDENING OR SOMETHING
1045
00:39:41,410 --> 00:39:43,480
AND THE GUY WAS
LIKE, STANDING THERE,
1046
00:39:43,580 --> 00:39:45,910
AND SHE TURNS AROUND,
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?"
1047
00:39:46,010 --> 00:39:47,850
AND THE GUY WAS LIKE,
"I JUST HAD TO SEE YOU."
1048
00:39:47,950 --> 00:39:49,250
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S 2010.
1049
00:39:49,350 --> 00:39:50,980
YOU CAN SEND
A FUCKING TEXT, OKAY?
1050
00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:53,320
STOP BEING A CREEPY STALKER.
IT'S WEIRD.
1051
00:39:53,420 --> 00:39:56,460
SECOND OF ALL, WOMEN, WE DO NOT
LIKE BEING SNUCK UP ON, OKAY?
1052
00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:58,460
I NEED A LOT OF TIME
BEFORE I SEE MY MAN.
1053
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:00,160
A LOT OF THINGS
NEED TO GO DOWN
1054
00:40:00,260 --> 00:40:01,730
BEFORE I SEE MY MAN.
1055
00:40:01,830 --> 00:40:03,400
I DON'T WANT ANY SURPRISES,
ALL RIGHT?
1056
00:40:03,500 --> 00:40:04,970
I GOT TO GET
THE BABY WIPES OUT...
1057
00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:07,030
[laughter]
1058
00:40:07,130 --> 00:40:09,500
[laughter, applause]
1059
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,570
I GOT TO GET
SOME UNDER-EYE CONCEALER
1060
00:40:11,670 --> 00:40:13,240
SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE
AN AVATAR.
1061
00:40:13,340 --> 00:40:15,180
A LOT OF THINGS
HAVE TO GO DOWN, OKAY?
1062
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,010
BUT IT'S SO CRAZY,
'CAUSE WOMEN,
1063
00:40:17,110 --> 00:40:19,250
WE PUT SO MUCH EFFORT
INTO GETTING READY--
1064
00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,250
HOURS BEFORE WE LEAVE
THE HOUSE, RIGHT?
1065
00:40:21,350 --> 00:40:23,380
HAIR AND MAKEUP
AND SHAVING AND TWEEZING
1066
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:25,390
AND PLUCKING AND EYELINER--
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS,
1067
00:40:25,490 --> 00:40:27,350
'CAUSE WOMEN ARE
NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?
1068
00:40:27,450 --> 00:40:29,420
YOU GUYS DON'T NEED ANY MAKEUP.
WOMEN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
1069
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,460
AND ARE
NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, PERIOD.
1070
00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:33,960
YOU GUYS
ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING...
1071
00:40:34,060 --> 00:40:35,460
[laughter, applause]
1072
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:37,230
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANYTHING.
1073
00:40:37,330 --> 00:40:38,830
YOU JUST ROLL OUT OF BED
WITH THOSE BALLS.
1074
00:40:38,930 --> 00:40:40,900
- HOW DARE YOU?
- [laughter, cheers, applause]
1075
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,670
THEY ARE SO AWFUL.
THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.
1076
00:40:44,770 --> 00:40:47,070
THAT'S WHAT NEEDS THREE HOURS
OF MAKEUP, RIGHT THERE--
1077
00:40:47,170 --> 00:40:50,180
- [laughter, applause]
- SOME CONCEALER, YEAH.
1078
00:40:50,280 --> 00:40:52,210
MAYBE A HOT IRON TO...
1079
00:40:52,310 --> 00:40:54,110
IRON OUT THOSE WRINKLES,
PLEASE.
1080
00:40:54,210 --> 00:40:56,650
[laughter, applause]
1081
00:40:56,750 --> 00:40:59,020
BUT THE ONE THING
YOU GUYS DO HAVE TO DO--
1082
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,090
LIKE, SHAVE YOUR FACE--
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO IT.
1083
00:41:01,190 --> 00:41:03,290
IF YOU GUYS DON'T SHAVE,
IT'S SEXY-- IT'S DISTINGUISHED.
1084
00:41:03,390 --> 00:41:04,930
IF WE DON'T SHAVE,
"WE'RE LESBIANS."
1085
00:41:05,030 --> 00:41:07,390
- THAT'S HOW THAT GOES DOWN.
- [laughter]
1086
00:41:07,490 --> 00:41:09,100
WOMEN--
WE TORTURE OURSELVES, RIGHT?
1087
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,700
AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT,
1088
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:12,670
WOMEN ARE WEARING
SO MANY TORTURE DEVICES.
1089
00:41:12,770 --> 00:41:14,800
LIKE, THONG UNDERWEAR--
WHO INVENTED THAT?
1090
00:41:14,900 --> 00:41:16,240
FUCK YOU.
1091
00:41:16,340 --> 00:41:18,040
[women cheering]
1092
00:41:18,140 --> 00:41:20,070
IT IS TERRIBLE.
1093
00:41:20,170 --> 00:41:23,310
LIKE, YOU KNOW A WOMAN
DID NOT INVENT THONG UNDERWEAR,
1094
00:41:23,410 --> 00:41:25,310
'CAUSE NO WOMAN
WAS EVER STANDING AROUND
1095
00:41:25,410 --> 00:41:27,450
IN FULL UNDERWEAR
AND WAS LIKE,
1096
00:41:27,550 --> 00:41:29,980
"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE?
1097
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:31,480
[laughing]
1098
00:41:31,590 --> 00:41:34,220
"IF ALL OF THIS FABRIC...
1099
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:38,060
[laughter]
1100
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:39,990
"WAS JUST...
1101
00:41:40,090 --> 00:41:43,500
"LIKE, VIOLENTLY...
1102
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:46,800
"RIDING UP MY ASSHOLE.
1103
00:41:46,900 --> 00:41:49,000
"IS THERE A WAY
YOU CAN GET ALL THIS FABRIC
1104
00:41:49,100 --> 00:41:51,240
"TO JUST TRY
TO RAPE MY BUTT HOLE?
1105
00:41:51,340 --> 00:41:52,640
"IS THAT...?
1106
00:41:52,740 --> 00:41:54,270
[laughter, cheering]
1107
00:41:54,370 --> 00:41:55,810
"I WANT IT JUST TO FEEL LIKE
1108
00:41:55,910 --> 00:41:58,750
"A RUBBER BAND
IS SNAPPING...
1109
00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:00,680
"I WANT IT TO FEEL LIKE
AN ALLIGATOR IS ACTUALLY
1110
00:42:00,780 --> 00:42:02,380
EATING ME OUT--
CAN YOU DO THAT?"
1111
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:04,920
[laughter, applause]
1112
00:42:05,020 --> 00:42:06,920
WHAT IS THE POINT
OF THONG UNDERWEAR?
1113
00:42:07,020 --> 00:42:09,620
THE POINT
IS SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE
PANTY LINES.
1114
00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:11,690
FOR WHAT? YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
1115
00:42:11,790 --> 00:42:13,660
ANY GUY
WAS EVER STANDING AROUND,
1116
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:16,460
LIKE, AT A NIGHTCLUB BAR
WITH HIS BUDDY AND WAS LIKE--
1117
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,030
THIS IS MY BUDDY,
BY THE WAY-- UM...
1118
00:42:19,130 --> 00:42:21,270
HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, DUDE,
CHECK OUT THAT GIRL.
1119
00:42:21,370 --> 00:42:22,870
"OH, MY GOD, SHE IS SO HOT.
1120
00:42:22,970 --> 00:42:24,940
"SHE'S SO SEXY.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.
1121
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,310
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
1122
00:42:27,410 --> 00:42:30,110
[laughter]
1123
00:42:30,210 --> 00:42:31,680
"DUDE, DUDE...
1124
00:42:31,780 --> 00:42:34,110
"WHAT ARE THOSE LINES?
1125
00:42:34,210 --> 00:42:36,080
[laughter]
1126
00:42:36,180 --> 00:42:38,450
OH, MY GOD, NEVER MIND.
THAT'S DISGUSTING."
1127
00:42:38,550 --> 00:42:40,120
- [laughter]
- IT'S RIDICULOUS.
1128
00:42:40,220 --> 00:42:42,020
AND MOST OF THESE
TORTURE DEVICES MEN INVENTED.
1129
00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:43,720
YOU KNOW GUYS INVENTED
HIGH-HEEL SHOES.
1130
00:42:43,820 --> 00:42:45,730
THAT WAS A GUY'S INVENTION,
1131
00:42:45,830 --> 00:42:47,490
WHICH I HAVE A THEORY
ABOUT THIS.
1132
00:42:47,590 --> 00:42:49,400
I HAVE A THEORY
THAT, LIKE, 200 YEARS AGO,
1133
00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:51,800
WOMEN WERE WEARING FLAT SHOES
GETTING WHERE THEY NEEDED TO GO.
1134
00:42:51,900 --> 00:42:53,770
A BUNCH OF GUYS GOT IN A ROOM,
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
1135
00:42:53,870 --> 00:42:55,900
"GOD, THESE WOMEN,
THEY ARE GORGEOUS.
1136
00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:57,500
"THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS
1137
00:42:57,600 --> 00:42:59,670
"THEY ARE REALLY HARD
TO HAVE SEX WITH.
1138
00:42:59,770 --> 00:43:01,640
"I MEAN,
THEY CAN JUST GET UP
1139
00:43:01,740 --> 00:43:03,940
- "AND WALK AWAY.
- [laughter]
1140
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:05,880
"WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING
TO JUST SLOW 'EM DOWN.
1141
00:43:05,980 --> 00:43:07,980
"WHAT IF WE JUST PUT,
LIKE, A FOUR-INCH BRICK
1142
00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:10,180
ON THE BACK OF THEIR FOOT?
YOU THINK THEY'D DO THAT?"
1143
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:11,920
AND IT WORKS,
'CAUSE I'VE TALKED TO GUYS
1144
00:43:12,020 --> 00:43:13,920
EXTRA HOURS LONGER
THAN I WANTED TO
1145
00:43:14,020 --> 00:43:15,960
'CAUSE MY FEET
WERE FRICKIN' KILLING ME.
1146
00:43:16,060 --> 00:43:17,960
I'VE GOTTEN TO THE POINT
WHERE I'M JUST LIKE, "DUDE,
1147
00:43:18,060 --> 00:43:20,230
"CAN I JUST HAVE
THAT ROOFIE NOW,
'CAUSE MY FEET...
1148
00:43:20,330 --> 00:43:21,560
"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.
1149
00:43:21,660 --> 00:43:23,860
PLEASE."
1150
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:26,130
THOSE HEELS-- YOU KNOW THEY
CALL THOSE REALLY HIGH HEELS--
1151
00:43:26,230 --> 00:43:28,670
THEY CALL THEM "FUCK-ME HEELS."
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEM.
1152
00:43:28,770 --> 00:43:30,370
'CAUSE WHEN YOU PUT 'EM ON,
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, FUCK ME.
1153
00:43:30,470 --> 00:43:31,810
REALLY?
WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN?"
1154
00:43:31,910 --> 00:43:33,710
I DON'T LIKE TO WEAR
FUCK-ME HEELS.
1155
00:43:33,810 --> 00:43:35,380
I LIKE TO WEAR...
1156
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,910
"LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS"
SNEAKERS.
1157
00:43:38,010 --> 00:43:40,880
[laughter, cheers, applause]
1158
00:43:43,380 --> 00:43:46,290
GUYS ALSO INVENTED
UNDERWIRE BRAS, WHICH AGAIN,
1159
00:43:46,390 --> 00:43:48,990
ONLY A GUY'S INSENSITIVE MIND
WOULD COME UP WITH THAT.
1160
00:43:49,090 --> 00:43:51,120
'CAUSE ONLY A GUY'S MIND
WOULD BE SO INSENSITIVE
1161
00:43:51,220 --> 00:43:53,690
THAT THEY
WOULD SEE A SOFT BRA
WITH A WOMAN'S BOOBS
1162
00:43:53,790 --> 00:43:55,760
AND WAS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT THAT THING NEEDS?
1163
00:43:55,860 --> 00:43:58,970
I THINK THAT NEEDS
A SKEWER RIGHT THROUGH..."
1164
00:43:59,070 --> 00:44:01,270
IT'S NOT A KABOB.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
1165
00:44:01,370 --> 00:44:03,000
THIS ISN'T FUCKING FIGHT CLUB.
1166
00:44:03,100 --> 00:44:05,010
WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD?
1167
00:44:05,110 --> 00:44:07,410
AND THEN IN THE '70s
WOMEN STARTED GETTING PISSED OFF
1168
00:44:07,510 --> 00:44:08,980
'CAUSE THEY
HURT SO MUCH, RIGHT?
1169
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,710
AND THEN WOMEN
STARTED BURNING THEIR BRAS.
1170
00:44:10,810 --> 00:44:13,310
AND THEN GUYS
INVENTED WATER BRAS...
1171
00:44:13,410 --> 00:44:15,280
SO WE COULDN'T
BURN 'EM ANYMORE.
1172
00:44:15,380 --> 00:44:17,180
- [laughter]
- THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART.
1173
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:19,150
I GOTTA GIVE YOU
A GOLD STAR FOR THAT.
1174
00:44:19,250 --> 00:44:21,150
AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
1175
00:44:21,250 --> 00:44:22,860
THESE WOMEN-- STILL,
THE BOOBS ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH."
1176
00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:24,520
AND THEN YOU GUYS
INVENTED BREAST IMPLANTS.
1177
00:44:24,620 --> 00:44:25,930
WHAT? THE NEXT STEP
WAS CUT 'EM OPEN
1178
00:44:26,030 --> 00:44:27,560
AND FILL THEM WITH JELL-O?
1179
00:44:27,660 --> 00:44:29,430
ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR FUCKING MIND?
1180
00:44:29,530 --> 00:44:31,000
WOMEN, DO NOT GET
BREAST IMPLANTS.
1181
00:44:31,100 --> 00:44:34,300
DO NOT LET
SOCIETY'S IDEAL OF BEAUTY--
1182
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:35,700
- [cheers, applause]
- YEAH...
1183
00:44:35,800 --> 00:44:37,340
MESS WITH YOUR SELF-WORTH.
1184
00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:39,910
DO NOT GET-- LOVE YOUR BODY,
FUCK THE MEDIA.
1185
00:44:40,010 --> 00:44:42,480
IT'S ALL PHOTOSHOP.
LOVE YOUR BODY-- YEAH.
1186
00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:44,180
SERIOUS NOTE
FROM WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
1187
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:45,880
- UM...
- [laughter]
1188
00:44:45,980 --> 00:44:47,580
BUT YOU ALSO DON'T
WANNA GET BREAST IMPLANTS,
1189
00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:49,250
'CAUSE IF YOU GET
BREAST IMPLANTS,
1190
00:44:49,350 --> 00:44:51,350
YOU'RE JUST GONNA ATTRACT
THE WRONG KIND OF GUY.
1191
00:44:51,450 --> 00:44:53,120
EVERY GUY IN AN ED HARDY SHIRT
IS GONNA WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
1192
00:44:53,220 --> 00:44:55,460
- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
- [laughter, applause]
1193
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,560
EVERY GUY
IN A BLUETOOTH HEADSET
1194
00:44:57,660 --> 00:44:59,590
WITH FLAMES
ON THE SIDE OF HIS CAR,
1195
00:44:59,690 --> 00:45:01,760
STITCHING ON HIS JEANS...
1196
00:45:01,860 --> 00:45:04,260
- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
- [laughter, applause]
1197
00:45:06,970 --> 00:45:08,670
SEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY BOOBS,
1198
00:45:08,770 --> 00:45:10,840
- AND MY LIFE IS QUIET.
- [laughter]
1199
00:45:10,940 --> 00:45:12,710
NO ONE TRIES TO TALK TO ME.
1200
00:45:12,810 --> 00:45:14,780
I CAN GO INTO A NIGHTCLUB.
NO ONE HARASSES ME.
1201
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:16,810
NO ONE EVEN TRIES TO HUG ME.
THIS IS NO FUN.
1202
00:45:16,910 --> 00:45:18,610
NO ONE WANTS TO DO
THE STERNUM BUMP.
1203
00:45:18,710 --> 00:45:20,350
- IT'S NOT FUN.
- [laughter]
1204
00:45:20,450 --> 00:45:21,920
I WALK
BY A CONSTRUCTION SITE--
1205
00:45:22,020 --> 00:45:24,680
- SHOOOO...QUIET.
- [laughter]
1206
00:45:24,790 --> 00:45:26,190
EVERY NOW AND THEN
A CONSTRUCTION GUY'LL BE LIKE,
1207
00:45:26,290 --> 00:45:28,820
- "YO, WHAT'S UP, DUDE?"
- [laughter]
1208
00:45:28,920 --> 00:45:31,520
WHICH-- I DON'T GET THAT.
WHAT IS THE YELLING AT WOMEN?
1209
00:45:31,620 --> 00:45:33,230
WHAT IS THE--
YELLING AT STRANGERS?
1210
00:45:33,330 --> 00:45:35,100
WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH?
1211
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:36,900
LIKE, DO YOU THINK
IN THIS HISTORY OF TIME
1212
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:40,230
FIVE DUDES
IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK
1213
00:45:40,330 --> 00:45:44,140
YELLING AT A GIRL JOGGING
HAS EVER WORKED?
1214
00:45:44,240 --> 00:45:46,810
DO YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
ANY GIRL WAS EVER LIKE...
1215
00:45:48,940 --> 00:45:51,040
AND HEARD, "AY-YI-YI-YI,
LET ME SEE THOSE TITTIES!"
1216
00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:10,160
LIKE, DO YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
1217
00:46:10,260 --> 00:46:12,130
ANYONE EVER SAT DOWN
WITH A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE
1218
00:46:12,230 --> 00:46:14,570
AND WAS LIKE,
"HEY, SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?"
1219
00:46:14,670 --> 00:46:16,100
AND THE GIRL'S LIKE,
"WELL, UH,
1220
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:18,240
"ONE MORNING I WAS JOGGING,
1221
00:46:18,340 --> 00:46:21,640
"AND THIS TRUCK
FULL OF FIVE DUDES DROVE BY.
1222
00:46:21,740 --> 00:46:23,110
"ONE OF THEM YELLED OUT,
1223
00:46:23,210 --> 00:46:25,350
"'I WANNA
PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT,'
1224
00:46:26,910 --> 00:46:28,710
AND I WAS LIKE,
'HE'S THE ONE.'"
1225
00:46:28,820 --> 00:46:30,920
[laughter, applause]
1226
00:46:31,020 --> 00:46:32,920
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
I'M WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
1227
00:46:33,020 --> 00:46:35,060
- [cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU!
1228
00:46:40,730 --> 00:46:43,060
WOW!
1229
00:46:43,160 --> 00:46:44,560
OH, WOW!
1230
00:46:44,660 --> 00:46:46,730
THANK YOU!
OH, GOD!
1231
00:46:46,830 --> 00:46:49,100
OH, WOW! THANK YOU!
OH, WOW! THANK YOU!
1232
00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:50,740
OH, WOW!
1233
00:46:53,270 --> 00:46:54,670
THANK YOU.
1234
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:58,240
THANK YOU.
1235
00:47:06,650 --> 00:47:09,260
THANK YOU.
1236
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:10,490
THANK YOU.
1237
00:48:11,850 --> 00:48:13,250
DEAD EYES
96117
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