Original subtitles

We all go a little crazy when we fall in love.

It's nothing new. Take this hunter.

He finds a shiny rock and figures he'll give it to his

girlfriend. The next day he's leaving for a lion hunt,

and in his excitement, he drops the rock on his way out.

The girlfriend finds it, and she's all like,

"Who is this for? Zog doesn't like shiny rocks."

Wait. That girl Uba likes shiny rocks,

and Zog was totally asking about her the other day

when we were skinning that goat.

Uba. I can't believe it! That stupid whore",

blah, blah, blah. You see where it goes from there.

It's no different today.

It doesn't matter who you are, nobody's safe.

You get a text message from a significant other with

one exclamation point when you expected

three exclamation points, and the next thing you know you're

right off the cliff, descending fast into crazy valley.

But then after the misunderstanding is cleared up,

you bounce back. You realize you were just acting silly,

and you get back to being in love.

But there are some people who are different.

The truly lovesick get it much worse.

No!

For evidence I submit my best friend, Charlie Darby.

Here he is a few months ago,

before he was diagnosed a psychotic.

Back then he just thought he was unlucky with women,

and stupid me, I believed him.

Looking back on it, I guess it does seem a little farfetched

that Hannah Cartwright, his eighth-grade girlfriend

gave him this, and then left him the next day

for the kid from "Happy Days."

There was Michelle from grad school:

"The only thing I love more than coffee is you."

According to Charlie, she forgot to mention

half the English faculty at San Francisco State.

Which brings us to Jacinda. Turned out not only was she

married, but her husband was in prison in Sydney.

Bas Anderson. String of armed robberies.

Ok, I'm sure I seem like a moron

for not picking up on any of his lunacy a little sooner.

At the time, I really did just believe him.

Why wouldn't I? He's my best friend.

He's the principal of my school.

He's the godfather to my beautiful daughter.

But if there's one thing I've learned,

it's that all those things can be true about a guy

and he can still be completely and utterly

out of his mind.

You got any idea what this stuff is worth?

You can't put a value on it. My heart is in this box.

So, what... Like around $40?

Thank you for your donation.

What do you say?

Thank you, Uncle Charlie. I love it.

Isn't that ironic?

I used to love the person who gave that to me.

What's a mate?

A mate is someone who says they love you,

but they really have a boyfriend in prison.

Honey, why don't you go put that with your other stuffed animals?

I'm trying to help her.

Charlie, that's a little heavy for a five-year-old.

It's never too early to start learning about

the dangers of love.

So, if Jacinda's boyfriend makes parole,

I may need to live with you guys for a while.

From now on, why don't you let us pick out the women you date?

It'd be impossible to do any worse.

Thanks for the offer, but I am retiring from

that aspect of my life effective immediately.

I got rid of every remembrance of every woman

who ever broke my heart, and I am now officially done.

Hey, I thought you had a date meeting us at the wedding.

Well, I didn't say I'm not gonna date.

I'm just not gonna let myself fall in love in the near future,

or the distant future. The future.

How do you date and not fall in love?

You just date the kind of people

you can never fall in love with.

Hey. Hey, Bin Laden. Bring me some more grape.

I don't appreciate that.

Yeah? And I don't appreciate you people hiding

bombs in your underwear.

Ugh.

I think that trout had a load in its belly.

I'm gonna induce vomiting.

I don't know why you won't call my friend Sue.

Is it because she has class?

I told you, I am not interested.

This is exactly why I brought a date,

so I wouldn't have people fixing me up all night.

You didn't even accomplish that.

All you did was put the busboys in danger.

And the bridesmaids. I think one lost a tooth

during the bouquet thing.

She really wanted it. She's looking for love.

Maybe she should try the zoo.

Ok, look. Enough.

Obviously I didn't know enough about her. I met her online.

Paranoid-racist.com?

Will you lay off, Roberta? Huh?

Come on. She marches to her own beat.

Pardon me.

Yeah, fuck this clambake.

I don't need you. I already got a cock.

Today's announcements have been

coming to you from Rotterdam. See you next Tuesday

when the good ship Lincoln elementary

lands in the biggest port in South America!

In the meantime, greetings from Rotterdam.

Ik wens je een goede dag!

Come on, you can do this.

So, what are you doing tonight?

Do you want to, uh, want to grab a beer?

Can't do it. Got me a little date night.

So, just the two of you?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Ahoy.

Molly Kingston? I met you at the hotel yesterday?

Right. "Love shack."

So this probably requires some explanation.

Hey, um, you don't

happen to know the words to "love shack", do you?

Actually, I do.

Sorry. Still confusing. Let's go back a little further.

Ok... Great.

So, after Charlie dropped off Roberta,

he headed back into the elks lodge

past the wedding reception, past a retirement party,

past a bar mitzvah, and straight to the bar

where he promptly met Molly Kingston.

Can I get a big glass of whiskey?

Lead singer of Totally Awesome,

Southern California's tenth best '80s cover band.

Turns out it was not her finest hour either,

and she let him know it.

That bar mitzvah boy told me I sucked.

But you know what? He sucks, Ok?

I don't care if he became a man today, he sucks.

If you hate your job so much,

maybe you should do something else.

I just have to make it through today.

And then I'm going to do something with more dignity,

like strip.

We're back in two minutes.

I gotta run. Molly Kingston.

Charlie Darby.

Are you the Charlie Darby who's the principal at Lincoln?

I am, yeah. Do we have one of yours?

My nephew, Timmy Clark.

Ah. I love Timmy. He's a great kid.

He worships you.

Hey, um, you don't happen

to know the words to "Love Shack", do you?

Actually, I do. Uh...

So with that little connection, that brings us back to...

Right. "Love Shack."

So, I took your advice and I'm looking for a job.

Ah.

I hope this isn't too forward, but, I-

I was wondering if I can give you my resume?

Sure. No problem.

Did you just get your credential?

Actually, you know, I don't have my credential yet,

but I have my-my substitute certification.

Oh, well, the subs are hired at the district level.

We have nothing to do with that at the individual schools.

But, we are happy to pass it on for you.

Thank you.

So, uh, I guess I'd better run.

It was nice to see you, captain.

What's wrong with you? She's giving you her resume

because she wants you to call her.

I told you, I have no interest in a woman that I...

Might actually be interested in.

Would you think about it?

Well educated. Diverse interests.

Nancy Reagan award for community service.

She sounds awful.

Hey, good luck.

- See you tomorrow. - All right.

The key is just for emergencies.

What you're doing is breaking and entering.

What am I supposed to do?

Every time I knock, you don't answer.

Have you seen "When Harry ate Sally"?

Somehow I missed that one.

Well, let's watch it then. It answers the age-old question,

can two friends go down on each other

and still be friends in the morning?

Why don't you go home and watch it,

and tell me what conclusion they come to?

I enjoy watching porn more with somebody else.

And I'm gonna have to ask for the key back.

That key is the conduit to my greatest human connection.

I'm your greatest human connection?

Do you even know my last name?

I don't see how that's relevant.

You know, I don't get it. We're both home,

the tube's on, we're eating cereal.

What's the harm in us doing it together?

Hello.

Hi.

You Ok?

You look a little pale.

Oh, that's Ok. I'm better now.

So, where are we going to dinner?

I don't know. You made the plans.

Oh, right.

Uh...

Let's start walking. Maybe it'll come to me.

Ok, so, if you sub at my school, you can't wear that dress.

There's no way the kids could concentrate,

and our test scores are low enough as it is.

That's what all this is about, you know.

I'm just schmoozing you to get subbing gigs.

Well, it's working.

Tomorrow morning I'm firing the first teacher I see.

Actually, all these side jobs are just ways so I can

make some extra money. I want to open my own dance school.

Wow. That's fantastic.

And you do have the perfect background.

Danced all over the world, trained in ballet,

jazz, tap, hip-hop.

I studied your resume.

To be honest, it confused me a little.

You were dancing in Vienna last year,

and now you're in San Pedro?

Well, um, I came back home to be near my family,

and I realized that I really enjoy teaching.

Nothing wrong with teaching.

I will miss traveling though.

No doubt. Geez. Is there any place you haven't been?

Thailand. That is the one place I have always wanted to go.

Me too.

Really? You've always wanted to go to Thailand?

Well, not always. It started about

three seconds ago when you said you wanted to go,

and I imagined going there with you.

She's amazing. She loves kids.

She's smart, sexy, funny, kind, creative, punctual,

an early riser, likes tea, a Christmas baby.

Ok, I get it, man!

I knew your luck would turn around.

The law of averages and whatnot.

Incoming.

So, what happened?

We were playing kickball. He was the pitcher...

I kicked the ball, it bounced off a rock...

and on accident it hit his face...

And while he did it, when no one was looking...

All right, all right, all right. I've heard enough.

Now listen.

Once and for all, you guys need to understand

how much better it would be if the two of you were friends.

Uh...

You both play baseball. And not only that,

you could share all of each other's stuff.

Matt, how many series 6 and 7 Lego mini figures do you have?

Seventeen.

- And Shane? - Nine.

So if you pooled together

all those mini figures, how many would you have?

Six?

Ok, here's another benefit of being friends,

Shane can help you with your math.

You forgot to carry the one.

So, do we have a deal? No more nipple whipples?

- Ok. - No more nipp-whips.

All right.

Wow. You are fabulous with these kids.

Oh, thank you. It's a labor of love.

So, this is a nice surprise.

Yeah. Timmy, um, forgot his volcano and my sister's

stuck at the office, so she asked me to bring it in.

He's a great kid.

It's too bad you're destroying his education.

I am?

Because his principal cannot run his school. He keeps wishing one

of his teachers would get sick so he can call you in to sub.

There are other ways that we could see each other.

Plant drugs on the music teacher?

Or... you know, we could make a date for tomorrow night.

That works too.

Can I take you to my favorite little spot?

You may.

Attention, students of Lincoln elementary.

Meet me in the cafeteria in five minutes.

Free ice cream for everyone!

Except the diabetics. You guys get a half day.

And down.

You said you were taking me to your favorite restaurant.

I said my favorite spot, which this is.

Is this...

Oh, God. Is this supposed to be Thailand?

What do you think?

I- I think...

I've never seen anything like it. How long did it...

I had to take a half day off of work,

but don't worry about it.

I haven't taken a day off in, like, nine years, so...

Muay ping?

It says she has an early flight to Vegas

to visit her sick grandmother. So what?

People's grandparents tend to live in Florida, not Vegas.

Unless her grandmother is Celine Dion.

You're only suspicious because of all the things

that have happened in the past. You got nothing to worry about.

Look, she even signed the letter with a little heart.

That's not a heart, that's a mushroom.

- It's not a mushroom. - A boxing glove?

- It's not a boxing glove. - A chef's hat?

That's probably her own little salutation.

I bet she signs all of her letters "chef's hat, Molly."

No, not all of her letters.

Just the ones where she's blowing someone off.

A blow-off letter wouldn't have a smiley face inside of the "o."

The lips turn down at the end. That is a frowny face.

Charlie, come on.

Look, I don't know what to think anymore.

I need some peace of mind. Maybe I should just call her.

If you call her it's like you're checking up on her.

What I should do is send the grandmother a fruit basket.

Or maybe you shouldn't.

If I send grandma a get-well-soon gift

and if by some miracle Molly really is there,

then she'll call to thank me.

I guess it couldn't hurt to send to send the

- suck-up fruit basket. - Exactly!

What's better? Should I order a lot of one kind of fruit,

or some kind of an assortment?

A thousand cantaloupes?

Cantaloupes? Or its sister melon, the crenshaw?

Look. I'm joking, Ok? Send the fruit basket, spend $50 tops.

- Ok. - Don't over do it.

I won't, I won't. Thanks, Jay.

Hello. Today I'm going to tell you why my three

American heroes are Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther.

King Jr. and principal Charles Winston Darby.

Am I gonna have to take this away from you?

According to the good folks at the sin city fruit barn,

the cantaloupes arrived 23 minutes ago.

Shh!

Stick it, Amy.

Hey. Stop obsessing over this!

I'm not obsessing.

Mrs. Finkelstein, I'm taking Timmy down to the office.

He put his scissors in the paste.

No, I didn't. You did!

Timmy, at this school we do not blame others

for our mistakes. Let's go.

You used to be my hero.

So, what would cause him to act out like that?

Sick grandparent perhaps?

No. All of his grandparents are doing just fine.

Granny's not on her last legs?

- No. - Is she still on solid foods?

Sorry, I'm-I'm not sure what you're talking about.

No, I'm sorry. I'm just grasping for something.

This is so atypical of Timmy.

I've never known him to destroy school property.

Well, I didn't do anything!

Principal Darby stuck the scissors in the paste!

And now you're lying to us. You're out of the cub scouts.

Oh, I'm not sure that's necessary.

But I love the cub scouts!

He seems pretty emotional. Are you sure nobody's dying?

Nobody in our family is dying!

Ok. Who can tell me the names of the first three Presidents?

Washington, Adams, Jefferson. Easy!

Mr. Savoli, can I speak to you for a second?

All right, uh, start reading chapter two, kids.

I'll be right back.

So it turns out Molly really did go to Vegas,

but not to visit her grandmother.

- The old lady's in fine health. - Really?

Yes. The family confirmed that for me.

So I did a little digging and I found out the truth.

She went to Vegas to visit her boyfriend.

He's a musician. His band is playing at the Hard Rock.

Ok, so, in retrospect, a few follow-up questions

might have been a good idea, like,

"what do you mean, the family confirmed that for me?"

Or, "what's the boyfriend's band?"

Or, "how did you find this out exactly?"

Instead, I said this.

Shit. I'm so sorry, buddy.

She wouldn't return my calls, so I texted her.

Told her I wasn't gonna be some guy who just

kept her company while her boyfriend was on the road.

How do I pick these women? I'm an idiot.

Hey, hey, I would've been fooled by some of these people too.

Like Michelle, I see her at the gym, like, every day

and I think, man, she doesn't look like

the kind of girl that would run off with a rodeo clown.

Well, now I just seem like an idiot, but think about it.

If your best friend told you something like this,

your instinct wouldn't be to question.

Your instinct would be to help.

So, don't be so hard on yourself

for getting it wrong about Molly.

I- I got good vibes from her too.

Yeah, well, thanks, Jay.

Look, I'll see you tomorrow. I'm gonna go home early.

I got some trinkets to get rid of.

Easy there, Philip.

Don't get in too deep until you know what she's really about.

Rumor has it she's been playing Xbox with Billy Suzuki.

Michelle? Jason? What are you doing?

I asked Michelle to come here with me

because this is something you need to understand.

We just had a good talk at the gym.

If this is about getting back together,

I am definitely not interested.

Trust me, this is not about us getting back together.

We thought you should read this.

"The brain in love. The neurochemical connection

between romantic love and psychosis."

Nice topic. What does that have to do with me?

- Let's just say you inspired it. - You're calling me crazy?

Who's the one with the clown fetish?

Charlie, did you ever actually see buckey or thunder?

No. You know why?

Because women don't usually introduce you

to the guy they're cheating on you with, or his horse.

Just read this, Ok?

You need to understand that when you fall in love, it

messes up your brain chemistry and makes you delusional.

Now I'm delusional?

Michelle.

When people fall in love, the brain undergoes

a transformation. Dopamine levels are elevated

and serotonin levels are diminished. That's normal.

But in a few cases, particularly in subjects

with a rich imagination, romantic disposition...

People like you, basically... It's much, much worse.

And love renders them, well, technically...

- Psychotic. - I am not psychotic.

I loved you and you loved a clown. End of story.

I'm sorry. The doctor in me wants to help you,

but I just, I don't have time for this.

Excuse me for being bitter, but because of you I can't

- show my face in Montreal. - There was no reality show!

Every time we went to Hollywood, there were cameras everywhere.

- They're called tourists. - They were Canadian cameramen

incognito. Think about it. Canadians blend right in.

I tried explaining this to him when I was writing my paper,

- and he was in denial then too. - Ah.

Maybe you can get through to him.

Thanks. We really appreciate you coming by.

Clown humper.

No, Charlie, I'd actually say she's the opposite of that,

whatever that might be.

All she did was seize the opportunity

to come over here and cover for her indiscretions.

Well, I seriously doubt that, and I'm worried that

you might have gotten it wrong about Molly too.

Molly? Molly's sleeping with the bass player

in the band Dirty Little Secret.

That's crazy!

I know. The bass player.

Women never go for the bass player.

No! No! It's all crazy!

Tell me everything you know.

Well, she met the band when she danced in one of their videos.

And you know that for a fact?

Molly was a dancer and the band made a video.

And?

Put two and two together. Connect the dots!

What dots? I think you're taking a giant leap!

It says on her Facebook page that she's a fan of theirs.

I'm a fan of Huey Lewis! I'm not sleeping with him!

Jason, read between the lines. That's code to her girlfriends

to let them know she's hooking up with him.

Hell, they even wrote a song about Molly... "Hey, Lucinda."

I'm no songwriter, but wouldn't they have called

a song about Molly "Hey, Molly"?

N-no, no, no. They never use the real names.

"Long tall Sally" was about a woman named Joan

who was actually short and fat.

But "short fat Joan" didn't have a ring to it.

Trust me, the song is about her.

"Lucinda walks like a lady but cries like a baby"?

That describes Molly to a "t"!

G...

I- I didn't mean to startle you

by popping in like this, but I think I left my phone here.

Holy shit.

It's no big deal. It was strange at first, but then

I kind of liked being away from calls and emails for a few days.

Can I help you look for it?

Oh... uh... I have a friend over. We're in the middle

of talking. His wife threw him out. He's an asshole.

Yikes. Well, I'll wait here then?

Good idea. He's a little testy.

Uh, I'll be right back.

You forgot to ask her how her orgy was.

Not now. I gotta find that phone.

The roof. I'll bet it's on the roof!

I got it.

I just gotta delete my messages.

How many?

Nice.

No, not all of these are from me.

Two are from her mother.

Hey. Sorry to take so long, but Jason had another meltdown.

He's a mess of a human.

I hope he's Ok.

Oh, he'll bounce back. He always does.

- That's good. - Mmm.

So, um, quick thing. Hmm?

And this is-this is nuts, but I won a trip to La Jolla

and I was gonna use it this weekend.

I was wondering if you'd like to come with me.

Wow. O... Ok.

S-sure. Absolutely. Sounds good. Right on.

- I'll take that as a yes? - Yeah.

- I'll see you Friday. - Yeah.

This...

Is mind blowing.

Whoa! Easy there. This is great news!

You were wrong about your other girlfriends.

It wasn't you versus some other dude,

it was you versus your own mind.

So I'm not a loser with women, but I'm nuts?

Either way I should just pack it in.

No. Charlie.

You can do this.

You can fall in love and not go crazy.

So when you think about it, this is really a lot to take

in. It's like you're reading your own autobiography

and suddenly you realize that nine chapters were written

by a lunatic, and that lunatic turned out to be you.

So, I told my Nana about you.

You did?

I was planning on telling her anyway, but you didn't give me

a choice. The cantaloupes filled up her entire basement.

What was up with that?

Been meaning to tell you, um,

there was a mishap at the Sin City fruit barn.

They mixed my order up with somebody else's.

Next thing you know, I have a $3,000 charge

for cantaloupes! This has gotten ugly.

Citibank's involved and everything.

I mean, I figured it was some kind of mistake.

You know? Only a lunatic would send a thousand cantaloupes.

Exactly.

"Quilting." Q is 20 with a double letter, plus eight is

28 with a triple word is 84, plus the 50-point bonus is...

134.

134. I'm kicking your ass.

Yeah, well, all that is about to change.

"Zaxpult." 30, 31, 51.

Hold on. What's a zaxpult?

It's a small, flat shoe worn by Mexican peasant boys.

You mean to tell me you've never heard of a zaxpult?

- Cheater! - Well, I wouldn't have to

cheat if you weren't some kind of scrabble savant.

I need some information, please,

handsome concierge.

And I would like to bury my head in your bosom,

hotel guest.

And bury it you shall, you silly boy.

I like the way you fill out your uniform, Horatio.

- Oh! - Hey.

"I like the way you fill out your uniform, Horatio."

Uh, that's a note I wrote to the concierge.

Why?

Uh, you know, they never seem to get enough compliments.

Ok. Well, his name's not Horatio, it's Bob.

You met him?

You can meet him too. He's right downstairs.

Oh, I wouldn't know what to say,

what, with him being so handsome and all.

Sounds like you have a crush on him.

No. No. I've never even met big Bob the concierge.

Just admired him from afar, unlike you,

who was blessed with meeting him personally.

I wouldn't call it a blessing. I mean, he rented bikes for us.

You two are going for a bike ride?

Yeah, I'm going bike riding with the concierge.

Fine. Then you won't mind if I ask the maid to go for a swim.

I'm sorry.

Why are you acting so weird?

I'm sorry. I-I think it's my blood sugar.

If I don't eat in a while,

I start to feel a little, uh, strange.

Hmm. Wow. Go get yourself a cookie. I'm gonna change.

Yeah, I'm just checking on my bicycle reservations for today.

Charlie Darby.

You don't have a reservation for me.

Well, eat me!

Oh, I'm listed under Molly Kingston?

Wonderful. Thank you. Don't eat me.

This is amazing.

You know who I think would really enjoy this?

If you bring up the concierge one more time,

- you're walking back. - Point made.

Can we pull over for a sec?

Can you grab us some waters?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Ok. I'll, uh, be right back.

Great.

Hey.

You look great.

Ouch!

Oh, my God. Charlie!

Hey! Oh, my God. Are you Ok?

Yeah. I'm s-sorry. Didn't mean to show off.

It looks like you fell off the bike.

Yeah, to the naked eye, yeah,

but in actuality I was performing a stunt.

Well, it was, uh, awesome.

This is Josh. We went to high school together.

Oh. Were you guys fuckies?

Buddies? Were you guys buddies?

This is bleeding really bad. You sure you're Ok?

Yeah.

Pretty nasty spill.

We should probably get you to first aid.

Yeah. Come on.

Watch your step. Easy.

Go on in there. Here.

Ooh!

Gimmie the foot. That's it.

All right, I'm right behind you, Ok?

You-you're not coming?

Oh, don't I have to deal with the bike?

Oh. Oh.

Josh could deal with the bike.

Sure, I'll take care of the bike.

I can give you a lift to first aid as well.

Ok.

Uh, you know what? I'm all right.

I'm all right. I'll just, uh,

I'll use my shirt as a tourniquet.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Uh, if I bleed out, I bleed out.

One thing you'll come to learn about me is that I have

an incredibly high tolerance for pain.

That's enough! You're the most jealous person I've ever seen.

I mean, you'd rather die than leave me alone with Josh.

I am not going to die.

Worst case scenario, I end up in a coma.

I hate jealousy, Charlie.

So just relax.

I mean, obviously I really like you,

or I wouldn't have taken you away.

And for your information, Josh and I were never fuckies.

Well, I wouldn't blame you if you were.

Hell, I wouldn't mind being his fuckie.

Molly, all men are jealous.

Not like this. He was jealous of me talking to the concierge.

I mean, really he acted kind of weird all weekend.

See, I think because Charlie's such a great guy,

you're expecting him to be perfect, but he is not.

No one is, so stop expecting him to be.

A big part of love is acceptance.

Spoken like a woman who's been married for ten years.

Exactly. You know, Will does some shit that drives me

out of my mind. But I know that he's a really great person.

So is Charlie.

Yeah. No, I guess you're right.

Molly, he's amazing.

He's smart, he's funny, he's cute.

Honestly I think he's like the most stable person

you have ever gone out with.

And I thought that having self-awareness

would change things. Man, was I wrong.

That's what we call insight fallacy.

Just because a patient has self-awareness about something

doesn't mean they can automatically change it.

I mean, to a certain extent it's out of your control.

It's like someone trying to quit a drug addiction.

Yeah. Like with Horatio.

I wanted to walk away, but I couldn't.

Of course not. Let me ask you something.

And please don't answer in any detail.

What were your first experiences with girls like?

In a word, rejection.

I guess it all started when I was like three and a half.

Ok, that's it. Look.

Clearly you're dealing with some self-esteem issues,

and that's as much diagnosis as I feel comfortable with.

Plus, you're my boss.

And I specialize in 12 and under.

I respect that.

So... this is it.

- This one. - Yeah.

Yeah.

What do you think?

- I like it. - Do you?

Yeah.

Oh, I can see it.

I see San Pedro's most successful dance school.

Sorry.

Oh. Sorry, I have to grab this.

- Oh, sure. - Excuse me.

Hello?

Hey.

Yeah.

Son of a bitch. Oh.

- What? - It just hit me.

I totally forgot to bring back any souvenirs from La Jolla.

Oh. How about you?

You bring back any doodads for a special friend you may have?

No. Why?

Uh...

She smuggled back a gift from La Jolla,

a sweatshirt for a guy, a big guy.

- What big guy? - I don't know.

At first I thought it was for someone named Randy Hopper,

but I ran Molly's family tree and it turns out

she and Hopper are first cousins.

Unless they're kissing cousins.

I also thought about big Bob, the concierge.

But it puzzles me why she'd get something for him

when he gets a 30% employee discount on clothing.

Charlie, I think it might be a good idea for you to tell Molly

- about your condition. - Oh, sure, great idea.

That wouldn't freak her out or anything.

I don't know. I think, um, I think it would be better

if she understood what you were going through.

Look! I'm not even being crazy here. I saw the shirt.

I felt its soft, cottony fabric.

Why would she deny having it unless it was for someone

she didn't want me to know about?

It has to be for someone.

I can guarantee I know who it's for.

It's a very sweet thing you want to meet my dad.

Daddy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh. Ok, Ok. Ok.

That was quite some hug, son.

Well, there's more where that came from.

- Huh. Hey, Mol. - Hi.

All right, now what?

Oh, sorry. I was going for the sandwich.

Ooh. Ooh. I just got a chill.

It's a little cold in here.

Oh. Let's see.

It's 83 degrees.

Well, I guess it's just me then.

We Darbys are a thin-blooded tribe.

Well, I'm roasting,

I mean, especially with the fireplace going.

Yes, dear, but, Charlie's our guest

and if he's cold, uh, I can crank it up to 87.

Oh, that's awfully kind of you,

but perhaps you could provide some immediate relief.

Might you have a sweatshirt I could borrow?

I'll get you a sweater.

I'd prefer a sweatshirt. If you have anything 50 poly,

50 cotton, battleship gray with a cute slogan, that'd be nice.

Charlie.

Oh, sorry. It's an allergy thing.

I can give you my snuggie.

I don't want a snuggie, I want a sweatshirt.

Wow.

I'm... so sorry.

I didn't mean to fly off the handle like that.

I- I think I'm just a little anxious

meeting someone's parents for the first time.

It could be a bit of a tense situation.

Of course, I-I'll get you a sweater.

Sweatshirt.

Are you Ok? You look like you're sweating up a storm.

I'm a little warmer now. Thank you.

Oh.

Uh, if you'll excuse me, I'll just use the restroom.

I'm sorry. I don't know why he's acting like this.

I'll tell you why. Because he really likes you.

- That's why he's so nervous. - You know,

I sweated up a storm when I met your mother's parents.

Hmm, yeah.

Well, not nearly to the degree that Charlie's sweating.

I have never seen anyone sweat that much.

So, you guys actually like him.

Well, from a parent's perspective, he's wonderful.

He's a gentleman, he's got a good job,

and he's a real pillar of our community.

It was my first time meeting him.

Second time we touch very little.

In a perfect world, not at all.

Ok, look. I'm sorry.

I think you're amazing.

I think this thing between us is amazing.

But sometimes I want it to work so badly that

I succumb to the pressure and I act like an idiot.

Well...

I mean, you're a cute idiot.

Believe it or not, my parents actually

like you, especially my dad.

Obviously. Or he wouldn't have let me get to second base.

Oh. I-I know I'm abusing my key privileges,

and you'll find a, uh, charge on your cable bill

next month for "Forrest Hump." It's valid.

W-wait, wait.

There's something you can help me with.

Excellent. I am your spiritual advisor.

Self-appointed, yes. I'll put the coffee on.

Life is like a box of condoms.

So, have you ever been diagnosed as being insane?

Diagnosed? No.

But it's safe to assume you've had some sanity issues.

Very safe, yes.

Here's what I can't figure out. How can you

differentiate between when you're being crazy versus when

something crazy is actually happening to you?

Brother, I-I wrestle with that one every day of my life.

But I will say this. Just because you're crazy

doesn't make you immune from crazy things happening to you.

That's exactly the way I see it!

What's going on? Let me in.

It's just that...

I think I'm competing with another guy.

Well, I'm sure you're not pulling that out of thin air.

W-what's your gut telling you?

My gut's telling me that someone from her past

resurfaced when he heard she was seeing someone new,

and got scared he was gonna lose her.

Of course. It's a story as old as time. Do you know who he is?

I wish I did!

Do you know anybody who knows her past boyfriends?

Timmy?

Put down your trombone.

I need to talk to you for a second.

I've been thinking about the scissors incident,

and I realize now that it was my fault, and I'm sorry.

Abraham Lincoln wouldn't have done that.

- No, probably not. - Definitely not!

Or else they wouldn't have called him "Honest Abe."

So let me make it up to you.

How would you like to play on the school soccer team?

I tried out, but I got cut.

Well, maybe I can whisper in coach Nolan's ear

a little bit, tell him you made a mistake.

You can do that?

I'm the principal. I have tremendous power.

But if you want me to do a favor for you,

you may have to do a little favor for me.

Mmm... you want something from my lunchbox?

No. No, that's Ok. It's just that I'm sure you go

over to your aunt's house from time to time, right?

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever noticed a really large man over there?

- Mm-hmm. - Do you remember his name?

Uh-uh. It was a weird name.

I think he was a doctor.

Really? W-what kind of doctor?

I think a famous kind.

What do you mean, a famous kind?

I just remember my mom saying that he was famous.

And I know he was a doctor 'cause they asked him

to take a look at my rash.

Maybe it's Dr. Seuss.

- He's dead. - What about Dr. Jane Goodall?

- Sorry, but that's kind of hot. - Only to you.

I was just thinking outside the box.

Yeah, well, stay within the box.

Think of logical people, like Dr. Dre.

- Interesting. - Molly's trained in hip-hop.

I know he's an extra-large.

The-the only thing that doesn't make sense is,

Timmy's mother asked the guy to look at his rash.

Would you ask Dr. Dre to look at your kid's rash?

Well, I would, but that's just me.

Let's put a pin in Dre.

- How about Dr. J? - Same rash argument.

Dr. William H. Cosby, Jr.?

You're not helping.

Oh, no. Oh, my God, no. No! No!

What?

Dr. Oz!

America's doctor?

The kid said he had an unusual name.

- What's more unusual than Mehmet? - I have to be honest.

If I had a choice of lovers, I'd take Dr. Oz over you.

Yeah, so would I.

I bet he's an animal.

I've noticed he wears his scrubs baggy,

so it stands to reason he likes his sweatshirts roomy as well.

That's what I read about.

He's been married 28 years. That makes sense.

He got married young. Now he's rich and famous.

He's picking up women left and right.

That's the vibe I'm getting from him.

I bet they met at

one of his book signings

for one of his groundbreaking high-fiber diet books.

You know, if I were you,

a- and let's be perfectly clear, I'm not,

but I would just come straight out and ask her,

"are you having an affair with Mehmet Oz?"

I asked her if she brought back a souvenir for anyone,

and she chose to deny it. If she wanted to acknowledge

the presence of Oz, that was her opportunity.

Well, just bring up his name the next time you see her,

and if she has a reaction, you'll be able to tell

if she's hiding something.

Just bring up his name?

Just bring up his name.

Mehmet.

Mehmet.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, nothing. Sorry.

Mehmet.

I'm sorry. What are you saying?

- Mehmet? - Mehmet.

Yes, as in...

Uh, Mehmet Oz?

Oh, my God.

Ok. My next question would be,

why are you bringing up Mehmet Oz?

Because he's awesome

and I'm really into him.

- Good. - Has he ever been in you?

Excuse me?

H-have you ever been in him?

Into him, a fan, so to speak?

I- I read one of his books, "This gland is your gland."

- Can I borrow it? - You're having hormonal issues?

No. No, I just always wanted to read it.

Seriously, Charlie.

What is up with you?

Up with me?

Yeah, I mean, we always end up on these weird

tangents like sweatshirts or Dr. Oz.

I really, I don't want to talk about Dr. Oz.

Oh, thirteen hour flight.

- Flight? - Yeah, it's my brother

texting me with details about this weekend.

I had a last-minute trip to Tuscany pop up.

How does a last-minute trip to Tuscany pop up?

You'd have to have your own

syndicated talk show to afford something like that.

Well, my brother Harris is pretty successful.

He was gonna go, but he can't,

so I'm gonna take my grandmother instead.

Oh, just you and granny under the Tuscan sun?

Yeah, we're staying in this little B&B, Anima Mia.

It's gonna be beautiful.

Lucky you.

The most romantic country in the world.

Mmm. Not with your grandmother.

Exactly.

Good morning.

I interrupt this quiz with a very important announcement.

Each weekend one special student

will get to take home the official school flag.

And this weekend the flag goes to...

Timothy Russell Clark!

Sweet!

Now come with me, young patriot.

Thank you, Mr. Darby. This is a real honor!

Now, I need you to do something else.

I need you to call your grandmother.

But I'm only allowed to use it in emergencies.

This is an emergency.

I want you to ask her if your Uncle Harris is rich

and if she's going away this weekend.

Hi, grandma. It's Timmy.

Is uncle Harris rich, and are you going away this weekend?

Uh-huh. Ok. I love you, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounded like

she's not going, but your big ear was in the way.

No, that's what she said.

I need more info.

How would you feel about wearing a wire?

Okay?

Congratulations. You're on the soccer team. Here.

Yes, I would like tickets to a Dr. Oz taping this week.

You're on hiatus?

Does that mean Dr. Oz is vacationing in Europe?

You're not at liberty to say, or you're covering

for an affair he's having? Oh!

Molly's sleeping with Mehmet Oz.

Mehmet Oz?

Oprah in on it too? M-maybe they're having a three-way.

Ok, calm down. I'm fairly sure.

Molly's never had sex with Oprah.

Charlie, listen to me.

Molly is not sleeping with Dr. Oz.

You hear me? She's not sleeping with Oz.

I guess that's possible.

None of this is without proof.

What proof do you have?

If you tell me the sweatshirt, I am going to have to kill you.

Fine.

But it wasn't in the father's closet.

Ok, so this is where I should have taken him

straight to the hospital. He clearly needs help.

I should have been like...

You went in the father's closet?

Or even...

You went in the father's closet?!

Instead, I just tried to listen and talk some sense into him.

You went in the father's closet?

Of course I went in the father's closet!

I'm just trying to find out the truth, Jason.

This is a great woman we're talking about.

I have a right to know who I'm up against.

Charlie, you always conjure up some imaginary enemy,

some guy you think you can't compete with.

Buckey the clown, bas the convict,

the Black Eyed Peas!

The other times that may have been true, yes,

but this time is different.

No! No, it's not! Like always, this is you

telling yourself that you're not good enough for her!

Sorry to keep interrupting,

but for the record, I'm making some very good points here.

The problem is that when you're alone and talking to a

crazy person, it doesn't matter how good your

points are if the other guy's insane.

And I-I'm not trying to make excuses here.

Believe me, I-I know I failed my best friend

when he needed me, and I accept full responsibility

for the fiasco that is about to unfold.

This is you telling yourself

that you're not good enough for her!

Not true. I think I'm plenty good enough for her.

S-sure, I'm not a heart surgeon with my own brilliant TV show.

You're seeing a doctor, right?

Yeah, I-I like him a lot. But going back,

there's no way you can tell me that Molly is not going away

with another man, especially when her grandmother

specifically said she was not going out of town.

- How do you know that? - Timmy.

Timmy? Your informant is nine, Charlie!

He called her and I listened in. Why would she lie to the kid?

Well, I-I guess it's possible

that Molly could be going with another guy.

But even if that is the case,

there really isn't much you can do about it.

Yeah, there is.

I can text her and confront her about Oz.

N-no! No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't be without my phone right now.

Oh, and you're staying with me this weekend.

You're not gonna go and do something stupid

like the last time.

I'll be back in a few.

Keep your shit together.

It's together! Stop worrying.

I am totally in control.

Hello?

Baby bird, it's red rooster.

Huh?

It's principal Darby. I'm using a code name

in case anyone's near you. What do you have for me?

I heard there was gonna be a proposal.

A proposal?

What are your sources, baby bird?

I wrote down what mommy and aunt Molly said.

A- are you sure you wrote "proposal"?

No offense, but you're not the world's best speller.

No, that's what I wrote.

Are you-are you positive?

I'm positive.

Hello?

Wha... oh.

- Uh, ciao. - Ciao.

Have you seen this man?

Dottore Oz.

Il dottore d'America.

Oh, my God, you have seen him.

Uh, did you notice if he was holding a ring?

A- a-a... what room is he in?

No.

Look, uh, he was with another guest, Molly Kingston.

Ah, si, signorina Molly Kingston.

Yeah, d-do you know where she is?

Solo andate a vigneto.

Wha... wha... Wha...

Vigneto.

Oh, th-the vineyard? They went to the vineyard?

Si. Romantico.

Oh... ciao!

Ah.

No!!!

Charlie?

Molly?

Oh, wow, wow, what, what a...

What a small world. W-what are you doing here?

What are you doing here? Oh, my God, Charlie.

- Are you crazy? - Yes, Molly. Yes, I am.

Surprising me like this? You know, I am speechless.

I can't believe you came all this way to surprise me.

Surprise!

Oh, my God, I am touched. Genuinely touched.

Well...

Surprise, grandma!

Surprise!

Nana, this is the guy that I was telling you about.

Hi. Uh, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, and thanks for all that melon.

Oh.

I'm Charlie. I'm Molly's boyfriend.

Antonio, bebe's nurse.

I left Charlie a message saying it was so

beautiful in Italy and that I wished he was here.

And here he is. Can you believe it?

It's wonderful.

I guess I sensed something in your voice in the message.

I was hinting a little.

Yes, you were.

And I can pick up a hint with the best of 'em.

You know, it's been such a long day.

Why don't you take

the rest of it off.

Yeah, take tomorrow off, too.

Ciao. Thank you.

Yikes.

So, Nana wants to recreate the moment where my gramps

proposed to her.

It was 70 years ago today, right here in this vineyard.

I would like Charlie to play my Harold.

Oh.

I would be honored to play Harold.

Thank you.

Wow.

This is really coming together.

I just, I wish that we could get

to the exact spot where my gramps proposed to her,

but we can't get Nana's wheelchair up there, so...

Oh. Where is the spot?

It's on top of that hill.

Molly, get the chair.

Charlie.

Well, here we are, back at our hotel,

- my blushing bride bebe. - Thanks, Charlie.

I think we can stop with the recreation now.

Sure thing.

- Ah, buonasera. - Uh...

Ah, signora, buonasera. Come stai, signora? Bene.

Grazie e bene.

- Thanks for coming. - Oh...

You know, I have to admit,

you've been acting pretty strange lately

and I wasn't sure about us.

The fact that you came all this way?

I don't know what to say.

Oh, please. It was nothing.

I loved meeting Nana. I love everyone in your family.

Mmm... oh, uh, speaking of family.

My sister asked me to ask you not

to mention Nana's illness in front of Timmy.

She's trying to shield him from that.

Of course she is. I mean...

He's in this weird phase lately.

First he acted up in art class,

And then yesterday he called my mom,

he asked her if she

was going out of town

and-and if my brother's rich.

Your mom is his grandmother.

Your grandmother's his great-grandmother.

- Very good. - Thank you.

I'd better run. This is so frustrating.

We're in this totally romantic place

and I can't do anything about it.

I have this Lacey lingerie with me, but,

you know, I just, I have to stay with my gram.

Hey, look, I knew you were gonna

be with her when I decided to come.

- It's Ok. - Oh.

Nana!

I'm back.

I have this Lacey lingerie with me.

A last-minute trip to Tuscany.

I guess it's possible

that Molly could be going with another guy.

I think he was a doctor.

Antonio, bebe's nurse.

I bet he's an animal.

Hello?

Bebe? It's Charlie. Can I talk to Molly?

She went out for some air.

- Bullshit. - What?

Uh, nothing. Can you let me in?

Charlie?

Charlie.

Come on, Nana. Chop-chop!

Thanks. I didn't want to leave you all alone, beebs.

It's Ok.

Molly said she'd be back in a few minutes.

Oh, that's great.

Did she mention anything about nurse Antonio?

Hmm. Oh, yes, this morning she said he was a good nurse.

Oh. Did she say anything to the effect of

Italian men make the best lovers?

Hmm... not that I recall.

But I agree with that.

Why don't you, uh, take a look at the view?

I don't see anything. It's too dark.

Ooh, I think I see a cat.

I'm thirsty.

Suck it up, Nana.

"Suck it up, Nana"?

Charlie, what are you doing?

I'm, uh, playing "suck it up, Nana."

Haven't you ever heard of that game?

Very big in my family.

You Ok? What happened?

Charlie put me in the corner.

She was disruptive, I gave her a time-out.

I don't, um, understand.

Why are you going through my stuff?

Because...

Nana was cold. I'm just trying to find her a wrap.

I never said I was cold.

You never said, "I'm oh so cold."

Can you hook me up with a wrap, sweet Charlie boy"?

No!

Oh-oh, lord, I think senility has set in.

I think she can remember what happened five minutes ago!

She remembered every word of my grandfather's proposal,

which was 70 years ago.

Yeah, but she could've made that stuff up.

You don't know. You weren't there.

Charlie, enough! We need to talk. Outside.

I'm starting to lose patience, so tell me the truth.

What is going on here?

Ok, fine.

I don't understand why I'm the one on trial here.

Do you expect me to believe you actually went out for some air?

Of course I didn't. I lied to my grandmother.

That's what I thought.

So why are you treating me like I'm the guilty one?

Especially when you brought lingerie with you

when you had no idea I was even coming.

I bought it this morning.

I was bringing it home to wear for you.

Really? Well, then why isn't it in your suitcase?

Because I just wore it up to your room.

Oh.

My bad.

Please leave.

Honey, you sure you don't want to just forget about all this

and get ready for Florence tomorrow? I'll push the chair.

Wait. Wait.

Ok, look. There's something you need to know about me.

I've been afraid to tell you this...

But I'm...

Insane.

You think?

Not all the time. Just when I fall in love.

It's a real psychological condition. I'm psychotic.

Y-you're really helping your case here?

But I can beat it.

Yeah, I can tell.

You know, when I saw you standing in the vineyard,

at first I thought, "did he follow me here?"

But I thought, "who would be crazy enough

to come all the way to Italy just to check up on me?"

No, it wasn't just to check up on you.

Charlie, th-this is over.

Please just respect that.

Oh, I think you're being impulsive here.

Ok, bebe, tell her she's being impulsive and to...

Give me another chance.

Greetings from Thailand.

Off the port bow

you'll see the gorgeous island of Ko samui.

Its scenic beaches have made it a popular honeymoon destination.

Your principal back in San Pedro

very much wanted to visit it someday.

But that's Ok.

The good ship Lincoln Elementarysails on...

Into the vast,

dark...

Cold emptiness.

And that's how I soothe my constipation.

Polenta. Fascinating.

Oh, you know what? I'll be right back.

First I couldn't shit, now I can't stop shitting.

Life, huh?

Charlie, you can't live like this.

She's nasty, vile, bowl-obsessed.

What are my choices? Huh?

I can't fall in love. That doesn't work.

So it's either be alone or be with people

that I feel absolutely nothing for.

I'd rather be alone than be with her.

I'd rather be on fire.

I...

- I-I talked to Michelle. - Oh, no.

No, don't worry. It's fine.

I asked her if there was anything she thought

you could do, and she said that none of your ex's

that she interviewed were sympathetic until

they fully understood the magnitude of your problem.

So maybe if Molly,

you know, had a sense of what...

Please don't bring up Molly.

I can't relive what I've been through.

My life may not be perfect right now,

or actually really, really far from perfect,

but I'd rather be numb than be hurting.

False alarm.

Nothing but air.

I took 40 bucks from your dresser.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Anyone want more cereal?

Yo.

Whew!

Oh, that lieutenant Dan is some kind of lover.

Cap'n Crunch?

Hit on me again, and I'll snap off

your cock and use it to stir my drink.

If you're trying to turn me on, mission accomplished.

I have half a mind to clean your pipes.

Oh.

Michelle, it's Charlie.

Listen.

I need your help.

My God. Is that Charlie?

Yes. His friend asked me to bring you here,

said there was something you needed to hear.

Hi. I know this is weird,

but this will all be very clear in a few minutes.

We couldn't fully explain what happened

without, uh, a little help from some friends.

Thank you.

Molly.

Th-these are my...

Ex-girlfriends.

This is the most uncomfortable moment of my life.

And another time, I took my little sister

camping for the weekend, and Charlie insisted

that I was off having a conjugal visit.

I saw on "60 minutes" that there's a website

where women met convicts.

Thinking you were one of those women was where I went wrong.

It's Ok. I forgive you

for thinking I was a prison whore.

Tanya. You're the only one we haven't heard from.

So much shit. Where do I begin?

Well, one day I had some blue splotches on my jeans

that I got from my niece's birthday at ColorMe Mine,

and Charlie thought I was having an affair

with the Blue Man Group.

There were six blue dots on her pants,

the exact number of combined testicles

of the entire group.

Ok, you know, it's, uh, it's getting late.

Uh, maybe it's time for us to go home.

Th-this was incredibly kind of all of you.

Again, a million apologies.

Good luck.

Thanks. Thank you.

Good night.

Wow. That was, uh,

that was eye-opening, to say the least.

I totally get it now.

And it all made sense at the time,

just like Dr. Oz.

Where did you even come up with that?

Your nephew said you dated a famous doctor.

I dated a Finnish doctor, Nels Jarvey.

He's a podiatrist.

So, I was close.

It was-it was really nice seeing you.

Y-you know I wish you only the best.

Oh, but w-wait.

I- I thought you understood all this.

I do, an-and, you know,

I can't imagine how hard all of this has been for you.

But your condition's like a real thing.

Sorry, I must... Sound like an awful person.

Molly, please don't... Apologize.

It was my fault.

Of course it wasn't. You couldn't help it.

Goodbye.

Hang in there, mate.

So, how's Charlie?

Nana, you know Charlie and I aren't together anymore.

Well, I thought you saw him at dinner.

I did, but...

That was just... it was a one-time thing.

I like him.

You do?

We were married briefly, you know.

Nana, you should know, Charlie followed us to Italy.

Yeah, I knew it the first moment I saw him.

And it didn't bother you?

Not really. You should've seen some of the stuff I did when

pop-pop and I were courting. I accused him of having

an affair with one of the other riveters.

And what did pop-pop do?

What do you think he did?

You're sitting here now, aren't you?

Good morning. Welcome to the spring concert.

First, before we get started,

let me introduce our band teacher, Mr. Thorpe.

Hello, Lincoln elementary.

Welcome to the spring concert. I am your band director.

Are you Ok?

Yeah.

Do you still want me to wear that wire?

No. Thank you, Timmy.

That's all right. Have a good show.

Molly.

Hey.

It's... Good to see you.

Uh, Timmy will be really happy you came.

I didn't come to see Timmy.

Who did you come to see?

Please say me.

Look, you know, I-I was thinking.

If criminals can plead insanity, then why shouldn't you?

A- all you did was...

Fall in love with you.

Right.

I want to kiss you so badly right now.

So, what's the problem?

School has so many rules about public displays of affection.

I... ah, screw it. I'll give myself detention.

Remember her?

She saw one stray, shiny rock

and thought her boyfriend Zog was getting it on with Uba.

Well, it got a lot worse before it got better.

Until, luckily, she found the help she needed.

But more important,

her relationship with zog turned a corner.

And as she developed a deeper bond with him,

she started going back to her old self.

And everything worked out for her and Zog

and their thousands of descendants.

Same thing with Charlie. He got some help too.

She explained that for someone like him,

the first stages of love can feel like this,

which is really no way to live.

But she also said that as Molly and.

Charlie's relationship evolves over time,

Charlie's symptoms should diminish

so that love will start to feel more like this.

Quiet, warm, steady and beautiful.

And the best part is, they'll never get bored

because Charlie's condition will never completely go away.

He'll always be just crazy enough

to keep things interesting.