Original subtitles

I've got a pen pal. I was at school with. I did ask her out once, 60 years ago.

I thought the sun shone out of her.

Alan? Celia.

Some braindead, lowlife trailer trash stole my parking space.

And you've met my daughter... Sorry?

We've got some news for you. We're getting married!

Alan Buttershaw, he was brought in with a heart attack.

What have you done to him? He didn't used to be like this.

Judith's a bit of an alcoholic. Hello. Er, mind where... Oh!

I don't recognise you any more.

Chucking your money away on flash cars!

You've got no idea of the consequences!

She reads Daily Mail, Celia, did I tell you?

You can keep your Guardian.

Is there an argument for you and me getting back together?

I like sleeping with other women. I always did.

You're going to tell me next you voted for Margaret Thatcher.

Well, you can't have liked Michael Foot.

When you love someone, isn't it, like, warts and all?

Come hell or high water?

Here we are.

Omega-3, a dazzling salad and no carbs.

I thought you were setting the table.

What? I have.

What are you busy with?

Filling in this form.

Are we opening a bottle of Prosecco?

Well, it is a Tuesday.

What form are you filling in?

It's, er...

Earth to Alan?

I'm applying for a job.

Well, I'm not. I'm... I'm just buggering about.

A job? Doing what?

Chairman of the United Nations.

Oh, well, you'll be good at that,

with all your namby-pamby, left-wing claptrap.

What is it?

Something to do with Harry?

Why would it be to do with Harry?

Well, you know what you're like with Harry.

He says, "Jump," and you say, "How high?"

How would you describe my personality? In three words.

MESSAGE ALERT Oh, hello.

It's our Ted. Why do they need to know

about your personality?

Alan?

Alan!

How about deaf? That's one.

Away with the fairies. That's another.

Course, that's four words, but it'll fill a space. Put that.

He's coming over.

Eh? Ted. He's getting a flight.

And he's landing at Heathrow, Saturday morning

at 20 past 11.

He's never.

What, this Saturday?

He wants to know if he can stop with us.

Course you can, lad.

"It's all a bit last minute, but I'll explain when I see you."

Well, I wonder what that means.

What, stay here? With us?

Well, that guest bedroom will need sorting out.

How's he getting from Heathrow? Do you think he's poorly?

Well, either that or he's fallen out with that Nadine again.

We're going to have to get that guest bedroom kitted out properly, see, Alan.

There's a bed in it.

He won't care. Yeah, well, I care.

He's got a connecting flight to Doncaster Sheffield Airport,

and can we pick him up at 14.45, Saturday?

Well, we're not doing owt, are we?

Well, we'd better not have a drink,

we'd better get into Halifax and get some new curtains.

A supermarket?

Mm. Same place our Ellie works at.

The new one down Sowerby Bridge.

But doing what?

Trading assistant.

Checkout.

What the hell for?

Well, I like to keep myself busy.

Well, so do I, but in a supermarket?

Hey, eyes on the road.

So this was today? Well, I told him.

I said, "How are you gonna get there?

"You're gonna have to get yourself a little car, a little run-round,

"cos you're not taking the Lexus every day, cos I might need it."

I thought you said it was only part-time.

It's only four hours, four days a week.

Oh, so it wouldn't be every day?

No, but it'd be inconvenient, when the hell it was.

D'you know what he says? Wait for it.

Well, I'll get a bus.

You on a bus?

That's �279.98, please.

I know. Him on a bus.

I laughed. Oh, there is a bus.

There's one that comes down past here and goes straight there.

He's 82.

He'd only be sitting on it, chicken, he wouldn't be driving it.

Yes, but he'd be standing out there waiting for the damned thing.

Getting wet through.

Or dehydrated, now we've got global warming.

Some people like getting on a bus.

Like who?

People.

How come you know so much?

When were you ever on a bus?

I've been on a bus. When?

Where is he, anyway?

When where you ever on a bus?

Last year, last summer.

Barcelona.

Me and Gillian, Flora and Calamity.

We went on a sight-seeing tour.

You could step on and off all day with the same ticket, it was wonderful.

A proper bus.

One that smells of engine oil and nausea

and has all puke running along the grooves in the floorboards.

No, Mum. That was the 1960s, buses aren't like that now.

How was Ruby's birthday party?

Pleasant enough, although the food was a disappointment.

And who won the fancy dress?

Caleb. Came as a banana.

Four fairies. I said it was a mistake.

Never mind.

Anyway, so I said to him, "What about your heart condition?"

And he's all...

Well, I can always go and have a checkup before I start.

Are you winding me up?

No.

Well, it sounds like he's approaching it sensibly.

Why do you always take the other side?

You often say this. Every time.

Do you think you've got a chip on your shoulder?

I'm missing Eggheads. Oh, come on.

If it's something he wants to do and if it's only a few hours a week.

It's a supermarket checkout, for goodness' sake.

It's not like he's running Network Rail.

Oh, well, I wouldn't mind that so much.

At least that'd be a...

What?

Respectable?

A desk job!

It's his heart I'm thinking of. What if he ends up pushing trolleys?

What if he gets someone who's difficult to deal with?

Ooh. Friday night, don't forget Gillian and I are cooking up at her house,

seeing as we did it round at mine last year.

It's in the diary.

I never know what to get you for your birthday. Either of you.

I don't need anything.

What are you looking so pleased with yourself for anyway?

You're not...in love again, are you?

I'm off.

TTFN. Bye, Granny.

Let me know what you want for your birthday.

Where did you say he was?

Oh, he's buggered off up to Gillian's.

He's taken our Calamity home. I mean, it became a proper argument.

It wasn't just an amusing anecdote.

I'm upset.

I've got to go. I've got John coming over for dinner.

John?

Thank you for picking up Tinkerbell.

Oh, I know.

What for? CHUCKLES

Oh! What?

Ted's coming. Ted?

His brother. From New Zealand.

Oh, I remember Ted at the wedding.

He fancied Kate.

Ted fancied everybody.

Well, she says, "You're not taking t'Lexus, I might need it."

She didn't.

Well, she did, which is fair enough, she might need it,

so I said, "Well, then, I'll get on a bus,"

and she goes, "You? On a bus?"

As if it were a wholly alien concept.

Aliens? Hmm?

Oh, not them sort of aliens, love.

No, I like a bus ride.

Many a time I used to get on a bus.

Before we bought yond...

Yeah, before you started chucking your lolly around on rubbish.

Well, I thought she'd be delighted,

not having me underfoot all day every day.

She goes...

What if people see you?

Well, that's the idea, working at a checkout.

A non-automated checkout.

It's the only human contact some people have all day.

The elderly. The lonely.

A cheerful conversation with a friendly face can mean a lot to a lonely person.

However brief.

Don't forget you're taking me to Ruby's party, Granny.

All squash up, ladies, Grandmama has been spending again.

Don't call me Grandmama.

Make me sound about 90. You are 90.

CHUCKLES I'm not 90!

See what you've started now.

Well, how old are you then?

I'm 36. Are you, Granny? Is she?

36?! Oh, are you joining in?

136! Have you heard her?

You don't ask a lady how old she is.

We wasn't. We was asking you.

Oh, very funny.

Wit dripping off her, that one.

I'm 36, and your grandad's...38.

I can't imagine being that old.

It's just a nice age.

They're talking bollocks. Ignore 'em.

Hey! Excuse me?!

Why, what you done?

How much do you get an hour?

Er, �9.20, if I get anything.

I mean, I've only made an application

and she's gone all funny with me over it. Yeah, well,

there you go, eh? Celia.

You're looking pale.

Are you all right?

I've got woodworm.

Y..? In my upstairs, primarily.

But then when they've looked properly, it's all over.

We're riddled with the little pillocks.

D'you want some tea?

5,786 quid.

Worst part's the builder.

Need to replace some timbers in the roof. I should have sorted it out sooner.

It's been staring me in the face for God knows how long,

but, you know, healthy neglect, blind eye.

They're not the cheapest, before you ask,

and they...they do guarantee the work for 25 years.

Well, I should hope so at that price.

No, I've had three different lots in, and they all said same thing,

needs doing, needs doing sharpish.

Worst-case scenario, the roof could give way at the far end.

Well, do you have that sort of money?

OK. So, you know I borrowed another 90 grand

to buy them ten acres off Fred Turner and expand the flock?

And it will pay off. No two ways. Wise move. Very.

Best flock I've ever had,

and they'll pay dividends when time comes, but...

..in the interim...

..no, I don't have that sort of money, so...

It's just... It's this new kitchen she's having, I'm paying half.

We always go halves on stuff.

And...well, it's not cheap.

It's hand-crafted.

And she's spent another arm and another leg this aft,

kitting out guest room for our Ted. Right.

And it won't stop there. You can bet your bottom dollar

once curtains are up, she'll decide it needs a new carpet.

No, it's...

Let me see what I can do.

I could ask to borrow more from the bank.

It's just I'm stretched with the repayments every month as it is, and...

Let me see what I can do. Why does she need a new kitchen?

You've got a perfectly good kitchen.

I mean you've already spent God knows how much on the damned place.

Mm. Mm.

And why do you need three bedrooms? What does she do in 'em all?

Well, she's always fancied a bungalow up there,

and they don't come up for sale so often, so...

Look, you know all this. Mm.

Suppose one bedroom will be justifying its existence for five minutes

if Ted's stopping, it's just...

Well, you know.

You don't need a new kitchen.

I don't need a new kitchen, certainly.

I wouldn't ask if it wasn't...

SHE SIGHS

Ellie will be finishing work soon, and with Raff still training,

I can't ask them to contribute any more than they're doing already.

No. I'll talk to her.

So what did you say was up with Ted?

Well, nothing that we know of.

It's just him coming at such short notice.

Made me wonder. Mm.

You going my way?

If you're lucky.

Ooh!

Good evening, Mrs Greenwood.

Good evening, Mr Greenwood.

Been waiting long? No.

How were the little tossers today?

Oh, Joe Thompson told me to eff off again.

Nice.

Sophisticated.

Mm. So he's in isolation again.

That took up most of lesson one, obviously,

cos he wasn't gonna go without some stand-up comedy.

And then second period started quite well.

I even got a nice little equation scribbled on the whiteboard,

then, half a second later,

we're into four warnings and two confiscated phones.

Cracking.

I were always getting me phone confiscated.

Then at dinner... Don't say it like it's something to be proud of!

Do you want me to go and stand outside?

Then at break, a load of Year Elevens from Sedgley's decided to start a war

with some of our Year Elevens, so we had police in.

Not before me and Leah got bruised trying to split 'em all up.

I told you it'd get easier.

I should have gone in for teaching infants. I could have coped with them.

Oh, don't lose faith, lad, I think you're doing very well.

I was, last term, when I had that placement at Caroline's school,

but, oh, this place!

I mean, I like a challenge, but bloody hell...

I should take Gary up on that offer to train to be an accountant.

Yeah, you should.

No, you shouldn't.

Ring Caroline.

She said if you were struggling...

I'm not. I'm not struggling. I'm just...

Oh, home time, I spent an hour consoling Leah.

This is this other trainee, this lass, she were in tears and they don't support you.

At Caroline's, all the other staff were really helpful.

I mean, it's one thing the kids being shitty,

you expect that, but when the staff are as well...

Yeah, but why are they like that?

Oh, because they had a shit time training,

so you're gonna have a shit time -

I think they think it's character building.

Well, 'appen it is.

And you'll not be at that school forever and I'm very proud of you,

for what it's worth.

Hey, right, I'm gonna have to set off. Once more into the fray.

You can stop and have your tea if you want, we're not chucking you out.

Oh, no, I'll... I'll only end up in more bother.

You'll get a damned sight more job satisfaction

training young people to think for themselves

than number crunching for yond.

You think? I'll be seeing you.

Bye, Grando. Ta-ra.

GILLIAN LAUGHS

No way are they offering him a job at Waverley's!

No, we would!

We will. They do.

He's 82. We have one old lad,

Bill Robertshaw, and he's 85.

Old fella in the Stevenage branch, he went on till 95.

Exploitation!

Through choice. He has a heart condition.

They'll... We'll take a view.

What did he mean, "once more into the fray"?

Great-gran's been spending again.

Oh, she's not been running rings around him again, has she?

It happens. Marriage. It's all downhill.

Not you two. Obviously. That's... Not you two.

Put your foot in it there, Gran. You can pipe down, lady.

Big time. Right down to... Zip.

Bye.

DOG BARKS

Oh! Didn't know you had a dog.

Oh, you don't like dogs, do you? I'd forgotten.

Come on, in.

Can you make it go away?

Settle down, Ruth.

Ruth?!

Yeah, well, it's Flora's idea.

After Ruth ben Reuben in Judith's Robin Hood thing saga.

Away, away! She's besotted.

Ruth, settle down.

She must like you.

You're looking very well.

Well, it's odd, life - the places it takes you.

If someone had told me five or six years ago that I'd be

a single parent to a five-year-old who isn't biologically mine,

living in an old farmhouse in West Yorkshire,

head of what was, and still is, a very difficult school,

well, I don't know what I'd have thought.

But if they'd told me on top of all that

that I was the happiest I'd ever been...

..I don't know, I'm not sure I'd have believed them.

Are you...seeing anyone?

Tell me about Lawrence. Suppose you wouldn't tell me if you were.

I've got nothing to hide. Tell me about Lawrence.

Oh, well...

..he's still weighing up his options.

Still doing nothing all day.

You know you enable him to do nothing all day.

You and Judith.

He's... Yes, it's difficult.

Do you still see much of what's-his-name?

The father, Flora's father.

Oh, Greg. Yes. Greg.

Can never remember his name. He has her every other weekend.

Well, it doesn't always work out like that, but he's very good,

and she's very fond of him and...and so am I.

You were telling me about Lawrence.

Still not signed on, still not applied for any jobs,

still not going back to college.

You know, it's all well and good you saying that we enable him...

Well, you do. She enables you too. She's made so much money

that you can afford to sit around all day doing nothing,

but she's not doing either of you any favours.

Let's not fight.

Gillian keeps her dog outside.

So why are you here?

Ah, well... If not to talk about Lawrence?

It's Judith. She's coming to your school next week.

Yes, she is.

Yes, she's one of my inspirational women, ironically.

Anyway, there you go.

Michelle Obama, Baroness Chakrabarti and now Judith.

I know, but...

..have to hand it to her - her books are extraordinary.

I really don't begrudge her a shred of her success.

When I see a child who we all thought would never become a reader,

pick up a book through choice and become entirely engrossed.

Yes, she's certainly made an impact.

Yeah, but it's across the board.

The ones who struggle to read love her, the ones who love reading love her.

Right the way from Year Seven up to the Sixth Form.

I mean, I realise she's probably not the easiest person to live with.

Sorry.

I'm sure she'll be very good if she's on form.

If she's on form, she'll be excellent.

It's just...

..if she isn't.

This is why I thought I ought to talk to you. She's, um...

..lapsed once or twice recently and there was an event that she had

to pull out of a few weeks ago.

And, well, not to put too fine a point on it,

the organisers struggled to avert a bloodbath,

what with all the disappointed fans,

so I just wanted to flag up that you might want to think of a plan B

in the event of, um... Really?

It's bewildering, the effect she has on people.

Kids.

Well, not just kids always.

It's like she's become some kind of...

..rock star. Oh, good Lord.

The students can't believe she's coming.

Certainly they'd be very disappointed if, um...

Oh, dear.

The publisher's appointed a little PA

to try and avert the same thing happening again, I assume.

I don't think that's how they sold it to her.

They said they thought she needed someone to help with the day-to-day,

so she could concentrate on her writing.

But, yeah.

So she turned up last week

and she's become something of a permanent fixture about the house.

Odd little woman.

But, yeah, so hopefully, hopefully, you won't have a problem, but as I say...

DOG WHINES ..just wanted to flag it up.

How's Celia...and Alan?

Well, they bought a bungalow above Ripponden eight or nine months ago.

Lawrence must have told you. It's...it's very nice.

But, um, I don't know. I mean, seven years on.

I mean, he's so sweet, Alan, he's so kind,

and I just worry that sometimes... I mean, she runs rings round him.

And I do sometimes wonder

if just occasionally he might, well, not rue the day he met her exactly,

but something a bit like that. No.

No, I don't believe that. Oh, I don't know.

Did you ever finish that novel you were writing about all of us?

It wasn't about...

Yes, it was. It was.

No. No, I didn't.

I sometimes think if Romeo and Juliet hadn't died when they did,

they'd just have fallen out anyway eventually.

Maybe I should dig it up again.

Probably when the kids became teenagers and started damaging the house.

You don't sound very enthusiastic. Is the muse not with you?

No, I think she cleared off a while since.

What is the muse? Inspiration? Where does it come from?

Love.

Being in love.

That thing that makes you feel...

..alive.

Thank you.

Bye. Good night.

TV BLARES IN BACKGROUND

I'm back!

Said I wouldn't be late. Everything all right?

How was she, the old love?

She's got a dog. You didn't tell me she had a dog.

She'll be keeping sheep next.

I forgot.

Rustic chic.

You watch, she'll be making her own cheeses before we know what's going on.

She should team up with Gillian,

they could enter their cheeses at the village f�te.

What have you been doing with yourself all day?

Earning loads of money as usual.

No, don't thank me.

Not you. Him.

Angus came round.

Just for a change.

You didn't apply for any jobs, then, or anything radical?

Oh, don't you just hate that tone? We are working on something.

Reminds me of my dad. What does that mean?

He used to do that. That shitty passive-aggressive thing.

Me and Angus... He was a prick as well.

..we're working on something, we have been for a while.

Paid?

Work? Potentially, yeah.

Oh.

Good. Good. You'll have to tell me about it.

Oh, and don't forget it's your mother's birthday on Friday.

Lawrence! She's doing a meal over at Gillian's if you want to go,

if you can be bothered.

I can put that in the family diary for you, if you'd like.

Your ex-wife's birthday.

Right. Thank you.

It's Caroline, isn't it?

Caroline, yes.

I'm looking to get rid of the wine rack.

It doesn't help her, having a partner who drinks.

I know you'll have thought about that.

Oh, and old Uncle What's-his-name's coming over from New Zealand.

Alan's brother.

And, oh, my God, Alan has applied for a job in a supermarket

to get away from Celia.

I must go back to that grown-up novel I was writing years ago about your family.

Mm, for sure.

Did you hear what I said?

Morning. Hey.

Thanks. Ta-ra.

Hm.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh. Hello, Martin.

It's Martin.

Who? From Bespoke Valley Kitchens.

I'm gonna have to get off, I don't want to be late.

Sorry, Martin, I'm having two conversations. Hang on.

Go on, Martin.

Oh, that's wonderful, I'll put it on the calendar.

He can start next Wednesday. I'm going to be late.

OK. Well, wish me luck!

I don't know why you're doing this. It's not as if we need the money.

Right, ta-ta.

Oh. Yes?

Oh, yes, yes, I'll be organised. Mm.

No, if we're without a cooker for a couple of days, that's no hardship.

We'll go to my daughter's in Hebden.

She's a head teacher. Mm.

Had Michelle Obama there last year.

Morning. Morning!

Morning. Morning.

Stop that little twat!

Hey, steady on, lad.

Little sod. Argh! He's breaking me arms.

You're a witness. I haven't done owt.

You've been thieving again, Harrison. No, I have not. Get off!

Stop wriggling. He's interfering with me. Help!

Inappropriate touching. Help. Paedo alert. Help!

Pockets the size of Texas, this one.

I've paid for all these items. No, you haven't!

I've been watching you. I can show you me receipt.

Really? I put it in that bin over there. No, you didn't!

If you let go of me, I'll dig it out for you. Let you go?

Do I look stupid?

You do a bit, if I'm being honest. Are you all right, sir?

Er, yeah, I've got an interview for a job with a Mr Awad.

I'll take you up. I'm going that way myself

with this little tea leaf. Argh!

I'll have to get my tetanus now!

You bite me, you little sod, and I'll bite you back - harder!

Which school do you go to?

St Bart's up Holywell Green.

Do you hell. I do.

Isn't that a private school? That's right.

Who pays for you to go there? My father.

Every word is a lie.

He drives me there in his Maserati and he lives in Dubai.

Yeah, OK. When he's here. He's not always here.

Once he dropped me off in his Chinook. That caused a furore.

Did it?

This fella's just jealous.

Hey, hey don't do that.

Gives a poor impression. And your fingers are all mucky, you see?

Thanks a lot. See you later. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Right, who's next?

Oh. Hello. In you come.

All of you.

Er, I'm... In!

Always the same faces, isn't it? Hm? Why is that?

I'm not actually with these. I've come about a job.

I've got an interview with you.

Well, I did have at quarter to ten.

Oh, Mr Buttershaw? Ellie's grandad. Hello.

And I was here. I wasn't late.

Only I got caught up in this...

Altercation. Bit of a tussle.

How's the wife, Mr Awad? Still struggling with her weight?

Me and Harrison go back a few months.

So, when will you know anything?

Oh, I don't know. He seemed optimistic. Yeah. Nice fella.

Story of my life with you, this.

I come up with a fabulous new idea to earn a few quid,

and you wangle it your way.

Did you fill the form in properly? Yes.

And did you press send?

Why do they have to make everything so complicated?

Anyway, yeah, I was telling you about this kiddy.

So I drove him home and I paid for what he'd pilfered.

And I shan't tell Celia any of this.

I drove him home... Nay, you soft turnip.

He could have mugged you.

No, no, no, he were a puny little thing.

And he wasn't malicious.

He was hungry, you could see.

Only I shan't tell her because she'd go mad with me

for letting him sit in t'Lexus. He was mucky.

Not malicious? You said he bit t'other fella.

Well, yes, he did, but, er...

Well, he was cornered, wasn't he? And he'd...

What?

He'd stolen a meal.

A square meal.

That's what upset me.

I mean, a little kiddy shouldn't have to forage for his tea.

I mean, I know you hear about stuff on the news.

Folks living in poverty, but...

..it's not every day...

..you come face-to-face with it.

Well, did they not call t'police? Or social services?

Police aren't interested.

They've got enough on.

Social services, I don't know, I assume they're the same.

Understaffed, underfunded, struggling to get on top of it all,

so I offered to bail him out.

Yeah, they all jumped at it.

So you drove him home...

Well, I tried to, yeah.

To have a word with his parents.

That was the idea.

Are you a millionaire, then, Alan?

Oh, I wish!

No, actually, d'you know, Harrison, I don't.

I'm all right as I am.

I'm just comfortable.

Is Harrison your real name?

This car must be worth a bit. Well, it was when we got it.

I think if we traded it in now, we'd be lucky to get owt much for it.

No, your high-performance car will depreciate.

He had a very impressive vocabulary,

for somebody ingrained so comprehensively in muck.

Hey, I asked you a question.

Me name?

Mm. Well...

..it's as real as any other.

I answer to it, which is what matters.

It's been a delight talking to yer. Which house is it?

It's that one over there.

Come on, then.

What y'gonna to say to 'em? Well, jus...just that, er,

I'm gonna explain you got caught pilfering.

And I might offer a few tentative suggestions.

What's "tentative"?

Er... Gentle,

with overtones of well-intentioned.

I like words.

I've noticed.

I collect 'em. They don't cost owt.

Hey!

Only it wasn't his house. HE SIGHS

No. Elderly couple. Knew nowt about him.

Ah. You're well shot of him by t'sound o' things.

You're dozy, letting him get in your car.

He could accuse you of all sorts.

Oh, I tell you, he wasn't nasty.

He were just...

..a little motormouth.

He was actually quite entertaining.

Do you remember Frank Dodsworth?

When we were kids.

Lived down t'back of Melway Street.

Er... Oh, God, aye.

Skid Alley, me dad called it.

Reminded me of him.

Hm. Way he looked.

He were a poor specimen, wasn't he?

Muck ingrained.

D'you remember? Bad teeth.

Stank like a poke o' monkeys.

He once asked if he could come and play.

Round at our house. I said no.

We'd only be five.

Six 'appen, I don't know.

It's always bothered me. I could have let him.

It wouldn't have hurt, would it?

Only I knew me mother'd not like it.

I've often wondered what happened to him.

I've never heard owt about him.

I don't think I ever saw him again after we all went up to t'grammar school.

1948.

I have wondered if, er...

..if they knocked him about.

Worse.

He were a quiet lad.

When's Ted coming?

Fair took me back. Little kid.

What? Oh, Saturday. Why?

Just changing t'subject.

An alcoholic? Well, issues with alcohol. God.

That's terrible.

So... Well, for her, yeah.

God, who'd have thought it?

Well... Successful people -

you just assume they live in this perfect world

and they do Pilates and eat vegan and don't drink.

Poor woman.

Anyway, the point is, I've been advised to come up with a B plan,

just in case she's, um...

B plan? I don't think there is a B plan.

If you've got Judith Tyzack coming here and she turns up legless,

I think you're fucked.

Well, dwell on it, give it some thought.

Er, the other thing...

The other thing?

Would you like to do the Q&A instead of me?

I'm not copping out, I just think that,

well, you know her books and her characters better than I do.

And, um... Well, if there an issue

and we need to get her off stage, I can always interrupt,

I can always come up with some random reason to interrupt things.

Er... Are you serious?

Oh, well, I'm happy to do it, I'm not dumping it on you,

I just thought... No. Oh, my God,

I get to interview Judith Tyzack, are you serious?

Yeah.

Yeah. That's the idea.

Oh, my God, I love you, Caroline.

Oh, steady on.

I'm serious. I've said it before and I'll say it again,

what you've done for this school is phenomenal,

and I don't think you have any idea.

No, I do.

I used to fantasise about teaching Shakespeare to sixth formers.

I...I used to fantasise about having a sixth form.

I didn't think it would happen, not here.

Now...

..they're fighting to come here, to study the fucking stuff!

Well, their parents are.

No, don't...don't swear.

Not here.

Sorry, I'm getting excited.

I just wondered if you fancied going through the questions together.

Beforehand.

If you wanted to come for dinner, I could cook.

I'd love that.

It's just, um... Sure.

..a little more relaxed at home,

and such a high-profile visitor, it's important to be well-prepped.

God. Course.

I will faint if she speaks to me.

No, you won't. No, I will.

I'll do something mad and embarrassing.

I'll shit myself, or something.

Well, perhaps I should ask someone else.

No.

No, no, no. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

How're things at home?

Oh, he's...still in the spare room.

Ah!

What about the weekend? Saturday?

I'm busy Friday, it's my birthday.

Well, it's my joint birthday with my step sister.

We, er, take it in turns to cook for the family, so...

Saturday? Um...

Yeah. Yeah, good.

Oh, good. PHONE BUZZES

Your birthday. God, um...

Hello! It's my mother.

How did he get on? Hello? Hi, Mum.

Is that you? Yes, hello.

How did Alan get on at the supermarket?

He's applied for a job at a supermarket.

Caroline? Yes.

He's 82.

It's your mum. Yes, hello.

I've just had New Zealand on the phone.

Hm. Really?

Nadine, Ted's daughter, all in a flap.

They didn't know where he was.

I'd better go. What?

Ted! They didn't even know he'd got on an aeroplane.

Blimey.

That's, um... Is he, er...?

How, er...?

And I can't get hold of Alan, cos he'll have switched his phone off

for this interview, and it won't occur to him to switch it on again.

Oh, he's here, I'll have to go.

Oh, hell's bells, he's brought his pet nitwit with him again.

Oh. Oh, OK.

Ta-ta. Ta-ta.

Oh...

Celia. There you go.

Ta.

There.

Are your socks clean?

I thought you were having a new kitchen.

We are, it doesn't mean I want this one mucked up.

Harry's come to help me sort out that shelving in the greenhouse.

I thought we were getting a proper fella in.

Aren't you going to ask how my interview went?

No, we have more pressing concerns.

I need to talk to you. In here.

Oh, OK.

I'm not exactly sure I've got to the bottom of it,

but I've had New Zealand on the phone.

They had no idea he'd gone.

No idea he'd set off.

There's been some sort of bust-up between him and the kids.

Well, who have you spoken to?

Nadine. She wanted you, obviously, but you weren't here, so...

What have they had a bust-up over?

Money. What else? But that isn't the point.

Well, it's a point.

But what she was most going on about was that he, Ted...

..has started with dementia.

Hence, they think, him having made some odd decisions lately.

Like what?

Well, she didn't enlarge.

Except...he's sold his house on Green Lane.

Has he been diagnosed?

For 1.5 million!

Well, she didn't say, and I didn't ask.

1.5 million?!

But the point is, yeah, she's worried about him.

She's worried about him getting here in one piece.

As, apparently, he's got a two-day stopover in Hong Kong

and he often can't find his sock drawer,

let alone a connecting flight.

How's he got 1.5 million for that house?

Well, when he bought it in 1950, it was in the middle of nowhere.

Now it's very desirable suburban Auckland.

So the point is, she's worried that he'll have landed in Hong Kong,

wondering where he is, and what the hell he's doing there.

Well, if he's that bad, how's he managed to organise

a flight in the first place?

His cleaning lady.

She was the one that told Nadine what was going on -

they hadn't a clue.

She helped him pack and get on his flight, and Nadine's livid.

He paid her, this cleaning lady, to get him get to the airport

and not tell the family until he was in the air.

Well, have they rung the airline?

Well, I think one of them said they had,

but I don't think they were any the wiser.

When's he due in Hong Kong?

The airline would know whether he'd got on the flight, or not.

I'm just telling you what I know.

And he'll still have to negotiate his way through Heathrow,

for the other flight up here! Mm.

Even if he gets out of Hong Kong.

Mm, that's a mine field.

I've never walked so far in my life as getting through Heathrow.

I thought I'd walked to New Zealand by the time we got on that plane.

Has she rung his mobile?

Oh, she said he wouldn't answer, not to her.

Something's obviously gone very wrong between them.

But he'd answer to you.

Well, not when he's in the air, obviously.

I didn't know he'd started with dementia.

Well...

..he'll have been hiding it, won't he? Like folk do.

Or...trying to.

CORK POPS Hey!

So, wow, he's loaded. Well, we don't know that.

We know he's sold his house.

What's the exchange rate like?

One New Zealand dollar is worth 52p sterling.

Oh, you've googled it? It was me, not Celia.

So he's worth 750,000, then. In theory.

Well, unless he's spent it.

Happen that's why they've all fallen out with him.

Or he's not shelling it out.

Well, why should he?

If it's his, that he's worked all his life for.

I wasn't saying he should or he shouldn't, I was just...

They all expect a hand-out these days.

How many children has Ted got? Four.

Nadine and Simon and... Who else?

Janet and Kevin.

And then how many grandchildren and great-grandchildren?

Oh, I lose track.

12, I think, at last count.

And do we know any more about where he actually is?

Well, I left him a message on his mobile,

and he should get it when he lands at Heathrow.

If he lands at Heathrow.

And if he can fathom how to turn on his mobile phone.

We might have to borrow the Jag tomorrow.

Oh, might you?

Well, we can't pick him up in the Lexus, cos that back seat's tiny.

And he'll have all his luggage.

These two only just squeeze in after school.

Can't see Ted squashing in, he's a big fella.

We can take the Landy. We can all go pick Uncle Ted up. Yay!

I'm coming.

Can I come? Am I coming?

Can Flora come? Yes, we'll see.

Right.

Oh!

Happy birthday, Gillian. Happy birthday, Caroline.

Bottoms up. Up yours.

Ooh, 53 at last. Wa-hey.

Many happy returns, both of you. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear Gillian and Caroline...

Thank you. Thank you.

Happy birthday to you!

Thank you. Thank you.

God, isn't it weird you were both born on the same day?

Ah! Statistically, no.

There are 7.6 billion people on the planet,

and 365 days in the year, so statistically...

Oh, what does that mean?

Oh, um...

It means that, on any one given day,

there's a shedload of birthday cake on the planet.

LAUGHTER Yup!

That is 20.8 million people on any one given day.

You didn't just work that out.

Well, I think it's lovely. Yeah, so do I.

Just another sign from upstairs

that all this was meant to be.

What, you mean the woodworm? Sorry?

We've got woodworm. Upstairs.

Oh, have you? That's a nuisance.

Mm, yeah, and it's gonna cost millions to get it fixed.

Millions? Well, a lot.

Otherwise, roof's gonna collapse.

Will it collapse while we're in bed?

No! No, it's not gonna... You've scared her now.

It's not gonna collapse, cos we're gonna get it fixed.

What's all this face pulling?

Sorry?

You two.

It's nothing, just a bit of wind.

It'll be the champagne.

You're transparent.

HE SIGHS

Well, yeah.

Yeah, I've, er, said I'd lend it to our Gillian,

what she needs for this, er, woodworm.

And how much is it?

Money and fair words.

How much?

CLEARS THROAT

5,700 and summat. It's just till she can pay me back.

We might have to, er, put the kitchen on hold.

For a month or two, that's all.

Right.

It's very difficult for her at the minute, financially,

with her having bought those ten acres and expanded the flock.

Yeah. I was going to talk to you, but, er...

..we've had all on.

It is an emergency. Seriously, Celia.

If I can...

OK.

Did the boys both send you a birthday card, Caroline?

William did, Lawrence didn't.

Well, he rang me.

Who did? Lawrence, your Lawrence. Yesterday.

Not to do with birthdays, although I did remind him.

He...he wants to come over cos he's making a documentary.

A doc...? Is he? What about?

Sheep. Him and Angus.

They make documentaries, and then they post them on YouTube.

Mum, they're not documentaries.

Little short ones. Are they not? No. Well, they're something.

He's bringing a camera. Oh, well, very good.

We thought he wasn't doing very much, didn't we?

Lawrence.

They do a YouTube channel.

And they don't make documentaries, Mother. They review things.

Review things? What, like what? Films? No.

Books? No, like one week they reviewed a used teabag.

And then another week they reviewed a fly

one of 'em had squashed against a window.

Sorry. People watch this? Yeah.

People watch any old shit, don't they, on YouTube.

I mean it's...it's comic... Well, it's meant to be comical.

And do they make money? They don't make money.

You can do, if you get enough hits.

It isn't rude, is it? No, it's just juvenile.

And what do they call themselves?

LAADS.

Lawrence And Angus Do Stuff.

The thing is, people do make money. Some people make thousands.

And what are they doing here? What're they reviewing here? Me?

A sheep, by t'sound o' things. You spoke to him.

It's sort of thing they'd do, review a sheep.

Or its backside.

I should've asked more questions.

Maybe not. Just let 'em get on with it and charge 'em for the privilege.

If they're making thousands. They won't be making thousands.

They'll be deluding themselves that they could be making thousands

if they get enough hits, which they won't.

I'm sorry. I can't just sit here and say nothing.

This is you all over, Gillian.

Manipulating your dad.

I mean, never mind the fact that I have, all my life, been a saver,

so that I can take things a bit easier and have a few nice things.

No, we have to bail you out,

you who doesn't think beyond next week, and never has.

Forget it.

No, I shouldn't have asked. We'll find another way.

No, no, no, hang on, just a minute.

It wouldn't be your money, it'd be mine.

Yes, but it'd mean I'd have to stump up a bigger percentage

to go ahead with the kitchen,

so I would, in effect, be helping you bail her out.

Can you not see that?

We're talking about a delay, that's all.

Oh, are we? Yes.

OK. So what's the timescale? When can we expect to be paid back?

Oh, don't do this now, Mum, not in front of the little ones.

Oh, God. It's always me that's in the wrong.

The problem is that we've already put down the deposit.

They've started building the units.

It's custom-built, it's not off the shelf, and we've got a start date.

We can't suddenly say we've decided against it,

we can't afford it. We can delay.

See, we'd done our sums.

Yeah, well, I'd done mine, but, er, this... This was unforeseen.

But...

..forget it.

Look, you can't just go mucking folk about, tradesmen.

You're lucky to get somebody who turns up these days,

never mind a proper craftsman.

We can ask Martin to...

He's running a business.

It's fine. Dad...

..honestly, it's...

We'll find another way.

PHONE RINGS

That's you, Grando. Hmm? Oh!

It's Ted. It's Ted!

Ted? Where are you?

He's in Hong Kong. He's about to get on a plane.

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm champion.

So...

Yes, quarter to three, we'll be there.

I think we'll all be there, I think we're all coming.

Yeah, yeah, she's right here.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, still a handful, that's right.

HE CHUCKLES

Would you like a word with her?

No? OK.

Yeah, you will indeed.

Hey, how much luggage have you got?

A lot, righto.

Right, ta-ta. Ta-ta.

Well, he seems as right as rain!

I've never heard him sound more himself.

The plot thickens.

The black eye, or shiner, was, contrary to popular belief,

not invented by King Harold in 1066,

but in fact dates back to the sun god Horus

getting smacked in the eye by his brother, Set,

during a tiff over who ruled Egypt.

Now, Angus got his black eye, or shiner, last night

when he fell over pissed in a gutter in Harrogate

after a tiff with a big scary bloke,

following an incident involving the big scary bloke's girlfriend,

who looked like an orangutan.

Now, Set might have smacked Horus in the eye,

but Horus kicked Set in the family jewels. Yow!

Now, world leaders such as the Pope and Boy George

have been seen in public with a black eye,

and this is thought to be a sign of belonging to the Illuminati,

or secret society, who will test

your loyalty, stamina and sense of humour by smacking you in the eye.

Eating pineapple...

..smearing toothpaste on it...

..or vapour rub with salt mixed in...

..is thought to ease the bruising.

Fucking pineapple water in my eye!

In serious grown-up literature, like The Hunger Games

and Shakespeare, there are any number of black eyes.

Fucking idiot. What are you doing?

Turning it off! It's going really well. No, it isn't!

Well, you're not turning it off. It's stupid.

We're just going to have to do it all again now,

and I've only got two tins of pineapple chunks.

It's not even funny. It's very funny, you fuckwad.

What's a fuckwad even?

Sit. Stay there.

The thing about not drinking is you get to this time of the day

and you're just so fucking bored.

Anyway, I've been thinking.

D'you wanna marry me?

Ted! Hello, hello, hello!

We could put them up for a couple of nights, couldn't we?

I've no idea who they are.

Are you fed up of this old face?

What would you think if I got married again?

LAUGHTER I don't want to hurt her.

Is it all right if I leave my car here tonight?

You can stay over, if you like.

Judith's asked me to marry her.

Jesus Christ! What is that?!

You need to come and look at this.

It's big. It'll be worth millions.

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