Original subtitles

Don't worry about me. I'm finished.

Worry about that young girl over there.

But, Sir Richard, no-one... there's no-one in the world who can do this operation but you.

Yes, there is. Just... one man.

Dr. Dare can do it.

He's gone.

God bless him.

How about it, Dr. Dare?

Will you take the risk?

My mask, Nurse.

Gloves.

Give me the knife, Sister.

Look at the way he's holding that knife.

Looks as though he's signing an autograph. Typical.

Shh! What do you know about him?

Plenty. We were at school together.

You're much too old!

- I'm only 35. Liar.

Well, 35 and a half, then.

You're jealous of him.

Me? Jealous of him?

Just because he appears on that thing every week?

If I cut my finger, he'd faint. And then what would you do, eh? Applaud?

Make it your throat and we'll cheer.

Oh, answer the phone, somebody.

Answer the phone...

Hello. Duty doctor speaking.

- I'm the doctor. - Please come upstairs, and hurry.

- You shouldn't be out of bed. - I hardly ever am.

Of course, you're not the patient, are you?

He's upstairs.

- This way, Doctor. - What's he got? Trouble with his back?

Well, I wouldn't say it was his back.

Poor darling!

Good heavens! Dr. Dare. I mean... Basil Beauchamp.

Oh, you're too late, doc. I'm going fast. It's acute appendicitis.

I doubt that. You'd be in agony.

I am in agony.

Tony Burke! Ohh...

Come on. Undo your buttons. Let me have a look.

Eh? What? Er... no, not you girls. No.

Er... later, perhaps.

Just go over there, will you, please?

It doesn't seem like appendicitis to me.

Look, Burke. I know what I've got. I'm a bit of a doctor myself.

All right, Doctor. Let me feel your McBurney's Point.

Oh, no, you don't!

If you had acute appendicitis, it would hurt when I do this.

Ow!

Oh, it could be. Better get his dressing gown on.

- I'll tell them to bring up a stretcher. - That's quite unnecessary. He's got legs.

Oh, it's Dr. Philip Dare!

Mmm, he's not bad.

- He's got false teeth, spots... - Oh, it's not true!

Yeah. Wears a wig, knock-knees...

- Morning, Sister. - Go, go!

What the devil's going on here?

I've just brought in a new patient, sir. An actor. Hypochondriac, of course.

What's the matter with him?

He says he's got appendicitis, but I think he's here for publicity purposes.

Oh, he is, is he? Well, I'm not standing for that!

You're quite right, sir. You're quite right.

This is outrageous. Who gave all these people permission to?

Oh!

Dr. Dare, isn't it?

I never miss your show. My favorite programme.

How about a picture? "Famous doctor meets famous surgeon. "

Yes, all right. Here?

Burke. Not you.

Why not? I'm the doctor.

- Right, fellas. - What's the matter with that?

If you'll excuse us, gentlemen.

Thank you, Sir Lancelot.

Come on, fellas.

Now, then, of what are you complaining?

Oh, I think it's appendicitis.

That's better, isn't it? Wind.

I told you it was wind.

You rotten liar! You haven't improved since you were caught having...

Control yourself, Dr. Burke. Control yourself.

You may go back to your duties.

Playing Dr. Dare must take it out of you.

Heart transplant one week, delicate eye graft the next.

To say nothing of those brain operations.

Well, I must admit, it is exhausting sometimes.

Well, I think you've been overworking, and need a long holiday.

May I suggest a ship's cruise? Sunshine and fresh air. That's what you want.

Ah. That would be fantastic. But aren't all those cruises booked up?

Not if you've got a little influence.

Have you ever heard of the Golden Horn?

Golden Horn? Yes, it's a big ship, like the QE2.

Precisely.

I happen to know the skipper very well.

A marvelous chap: Witty, charming, brilliant, distinguished, delightful in every way.

And so he jolly should be. He's my brother.

This may come as a bit of a shock to you, Ophelia.

The time has come for me to settle down.

I love you... I love you. I love you.

I love you, darling.

I want you to be a Burke, too.

I accept. When's the happy day going to be?

I've just been rehearsing a proposal. How did it sound?

Terrible. But why do you want to get married? Haven't you heard of the permissive society?

Heard of it? I used to be the chairman.

Anyway, I'm afraid I've got to get married.

Oh, bad luck.

No, no, for professional reasons.

There's a very good job I can get in America... if I'm married.

Oh, so there is a catch in it. One of the simpler-minded nurses, perhaps?

I happen to be in love with one of the most beautiful models in London.

Ah, you're a gas, doctor man!

Er... will you put the flowers in a pot?

Er... yes, yes, of course. Er... am I early?

No, I'm late. Still, it won't take me a sec to put on my gear.

Here...

Put this in the bathroom, will you?

I wouldn't dress in front of anyone.

But you're a doctor, so that's cool.

Well... yes.

I wouldn't say that, exactly.

I mean, you must see millions of naked birds in your medical boutique, huh?

Millions. It doesn't mean a thing to me.

- No, I thought not. - Not a thing.

Damn!

Will you do me?

What, now?

Why, I erm...

Oh, I see. Yes.

You don't need to get dressed just for me, you know.

If you'd prefer to remain au naturel...

...we don't have to dine out.

Oh, I can't dine with you tonight. I have to nibble caviar with Stedman Green.

- Who's he? - Some creep.

What a drag!

I'm choked about it too, but he's a movie-maker, and I can't stay a model all my life.

Life's passing me by. I'm nearly 21.

Er... I know what you mean.

But the thing is, I can't get another evening off until Saturday.

- Well, I can't manage Saturday, either. - Why not?

Did I tell you about this job I got on a vacation magazine? It's groovy.

It is?

Four of us are being photographed but everywhere, in but everything.

Where's "but everywhere"?

The Mediterranean. We leave Saturday, on a ship.

Water-bound, you ding-a-ling!

Now, look, doll... er... Ophelia.

Before you go, there's something I must say to you.

Er... come and sit down, please.

Just... just a moment.

Er... I may have played around a bit in the past, but this is for real...

Hold it, doctor man. Someone at the door.

Hiya, girl!

Hi, Stedman Green!

Who's the weirdy?

Stedman Green, Dr. Burke.

We've got to get moving, girl. It's late.

Cool it, Stedman Green.

But I must see you before you leave.

OK. Come and see me on Saturday. Four o'clock.

Maybe - who knows? - If you're a little early...

maybe we could make a little love before the whistle blows.

Woo-woo!

"Who's the weirdy?"

Will you excuse me, girls?

Maurice.

- Who? - Maurice.

Thank you. Mwah!

Right. Ophelia...

Come on, Eve.

Right, now, Audrey.

A little to the left, Jean.

- Ohh! - Oh, sorry, mate.

Don't tell me. The lodger in Coronation Street.

No, no. Ha-ha-ha! The TV advert for false teeth.

I've got it. Dr. Philip Dare!

Yes, yes.

I thought I recognized you. One of your greatest fans.

Good.

I'm Llewellyn Wendover. Just won the pools.

Don't spread it about or they won't be able to pull the birds off me fast enough!

Ah, Mr. Beauchamp!

Ah, I recognized you immediately, sir.

The Captain asked me to take you down to your cabin.

He'll be in touch with you as soon as we're at sea.

Well, thank you. I hope to be asleep by the time we're at sea.

I'm afraid I'm not the best of sailors.

Well, no need to worry here.

- We're as stable as a gyroscope. - I'm very glad to hear that.

- 'Ere, just a minute! - Would you like to come this way?

What about me? If you're the bloke what clips the tickets, when do I shake down?

Yes, well, Mr. Sergeant will look after you.

Oh. I'm not settling for a two-striper, mate.

I don't think you know who I am. I'm Llewellyn Wendover, the pools winner.

Got it?

Er... Mr. Llewellyn Wendover?

Cabin 55.

Cabin? What do you mean, cabin? I'm not one of your hoi polloi.

I ordered a first-class state room.

Cabin 55 is a first-class state room, sir.

Oh. Well, what time do we leave? We might as well go. We're all here!

Where's the toilet?

- Port side. - Can't wait that long!

'Ere, Phil. I'll see you later.

We'll take a trip round the deck and look at all the crumpet!

Purser, would you see that man is kept as far away from me as possible?

- Yes, of course, sir. - Please.

Now, would you like to come this way?

Wait here. I shall be going back.

- Just a minute! That's 12 quid. - 12 quid?!

That's right. Six pounds here, six pounds back.

- You don't trust me, do you? - No, I don't.

- Look. 11 pounds. - I also...

- It's all I've got! - I also take small change.

Look, please, I... ohh...

- 14 and seven pence. - 14 and seven pence?!

Yeah, but look, I... Oh, take the flowers, then!

- Take the? - Be back in half an hour.

Back in half?

Name, please, sir.

I'm not a passenger. I've come to see Miss Ophelia O'Brien. It's very urgent.

Miss O'Brien? She's in cabin 87. M deck.

But you haven't got much time, sir.

- Thank you. - Could I see your boarding card, sir?

- I haven't got one. - Well, no boarding card, no entry.

It's very necessary I make contact with her.

Well, you should have done that before, sir.

Now, look. I'm a doctor.

I'm sorry, Sir. Captain's orders.

All right. Where do I get a boarding card?

Head office in London.

In London?! But I've only just...

I'm sorry, sir. You shall have to leave the ship.

- No, I'm... - Captain's orders, sir.

I'm sorry.

- Morning, sir. - That man there!

- Who, me? - Yes, you. Come here!

Take your shoes off.

Since when have brown suede shoes been part of the uniform

of a member of my crew?

Oh, my head.

I... Taxi? Where's my taxi?

Taxi?

Water?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Evening, sir. Everything all right?

Yes, thank you, Steward.

Not...

Not Steward, sir. Master-at-Arms.

I'm responsible for all the discipline on board.

I see. Discipline?

Yeah. Fancy.

Yes. Well, sir...

Fancy...

Shoes were killing me.

Left them in the cabin.

I see.

What... what cabin would that be, sir?

Er... 87. M deck.

I see. And your name would be?

O'Brien. O O'Brien.

O?

O.

O for... Oswald?

No, no, no. Ophelia.

Er...

Mother wanted a girl.

Oh.

Shame.

I er... hope you don't mind my asking you this question, sir, but I am responsible for...

stowaways.

Stowaways?

Stowaways! Oh, no!

Stowaways!

Stowaways!

Oh, blow me down! What are you doing here?

Can I come in for a moment?

- Well, I was just gonna take a shower. - I don't mind.

What? I thought you were too busy saving lives to come on a cruise.

Well, yes, but...

But you thought it was more important to spend �300 and be with me!

That's the grooviest thing anyone's ever said to me. You know that?

Er... I'm just gonna take a shower.

It's me again, sir. Just doing a spot of double-checking, as you might say.

Oh.

You'd er...

you'd hardly believe this, sir, but some people, stowaways and the like...

...have been known to give me cabin numbers that aren't theirs.

Oh!

Just thought I'd mention it...

in passing.

Er... did you find your shoes, then, sir?

Yes...

both of them.

Being cleaned.

Ah. I thought you'd lost them.

No!

Where...

Oh. Are you one of them?

Sometimes.

Oh. Well, I was just asking,

because, as a matter of fact, we often get female impersonators aboard, from time to time.

Must you go?

- Just one more thing, sir. - What, only one?

On this ship, young ladies are not allowed in single gentlemen's cabins. Captain's orders.

He doesn't care for premarital relations, as you might say. Even if you do.

Right. I'll pop along to the Purser's cabin,

to do a spot of what you might call double-double-checking.

I shall see you later, sir... I have no doubt.

I have no doubt, either.

Ophelia, I've got to go.

Well, give me a kiss, then.

Well, I can't. It's premarital. I'll see you later.

I'll call you.

We'll have dinner.

What's your number?

I forget. Don't call me. I'll call you. Bye.

Ooh!

Evening. 'Ere, could you direct me to the Purser's office?

Got to deposit a bit of small change.

I expect you do, too. Why not come with me?

No, thanks. I have to go and change.

You don't dress for the evening meal. Steward tipped me the wink.

You wear your evening clobber for dinner on the second day. Ship's protocol.

Well, thanks for the tip.

That's all right.

'Ere. What have you got in that glass? Is it free?

This is just milk, that I'm mixing with some cornflour, for the binding of the stomach.

You may drink some if you wish, if you are feeling seasick.

Me? Seasick? I was at Dunkirk, mate.

Oh, very good ferry service at Dunkirk. British Railway.

- Most excellent. - I meant the beaches.

Oh, very sandy.

Not when I was there. Full of bomb holes.

Oh, yes. The sunbathing was very good, also.

I said bomb holes, not...

37, 38, 39...

21, 39.

Pardon me intruding my person, Mr. Beauchamp,

but my esteemed Captain is saying to me,

"Satterjee, you are taking this milk to that damned fool actor,

and you are making sure he is drinking it. "

That is what I am doing.

Take it away. I feel sick.

Yes, yes, but Captain is also saying,

"Give that damned fool these pills.

Tell him to swallow them, then join me for dinner at my table later. "

That is what he is saying to me, and that is what I am telling you.

Tell the Captain to go to hell.

I'm afraid that is not possible. Our first port of call will be Marseilles.

Go away.

I feel awful.

And my goodness me, you are looking awful, too.

Drink just a little, sir.

If it is not keeping everything down, then surely it will be bringing everything up.

Oh, God!

I think it is better if you are lying in your bunk.

I don't wish to mention it, but in 30 minutes' there is a lot of wind coming up.

Gale force 10. Very strong.

I'm afraid Mr. Beauchamp is still indisposed.

Oh, I was so looking forward to meeting him.

Plenty of time. Charming chap, my brother tells me.

Oh, most disappointing. He's one of my favorites, too.

He and that nice Scottish doctor.

All right? How do?

All right? This seat taken?

What's the grub like, Whiskers?

I am the Captain. I should be glad to know why you are in your nightclothes. Are you ill?

You're in charge, eh? Well, I'm lucky to have clothes at all.

The washing machine in my room's broken.

There are no washing machines in the cabins on this ship.

What's that round, glass door in the wall, then?

I should have thought even the meanest intelligence would recognize that as a porthole.

Oh. Well, you ought to put a label on it. All my underwear's floating round the harbor.

Oi. A cup of cocoa and a sausage sandwich, please.

I don't know your name, sir, or who you are. Will you kindly remove yourself from my table?

This is for invited guests only.

That's nice. That's very nice! I'm not good enough for your table, eh?

You can draw your own conclusions.

I'd be good enough if the ship went down, and I was in a lifeboat, and you were in the sea.

It wouldn't matter to me who you were.

- I'd still help you in. I'd be good enough then. - Chief.

Put this passenger in his place.

That's right. Throw your weight about, just cos of your stripes.

A bit of gold braid and they go mad with power.

- The war's over, you know. - This way, please, sir.

And another thing. While you're sitting there noshing away, who's steering?

What a common man!

You do get extraordinary people on cruises these days, don't you, Captain?

I do.

This is your place, sir.

It was marked clearly on the seating plan.

You are next to Miss Dailey and her mother.

- Where's the old lady, then? - Mummy is indisposed.

Oh...

I'm Wendover. Llewellyn Wendover, the pools winner.

You mean those football things you cover with kisses?

That's right.

Pardon me for being so forward, but did you win a lot?

Two beautiful... Er... 26 first dividends, 35 seconds and 47 thirds.

Really? Your wife must have been thrilled.

Oh, don't spread it about, but...

I'm not married.

I can hardly believe it! With your looks and all that money...

Ah, I only won it last week.

You must be careful, Wendover, dear.

There are so many scheming women around,

who would absolutely do anything to marry money.

Oh, don't worry. I'm no fool.

I can spot that sort of bird a mile off.

Would you care for a cocktail with me... after the evening meal?

Ooh, whatever will you think of next?

I've already thought of that!

Well, I don't care. I've got nothing to lose!

Ooh!

Not eating, sir?

Er... no. No, I...

I never eat on an empty stomach, you know.

I'm feeling a bit dicky.

Well, in that case, I wouldn't hang about here. There's a force 10 gale blowing up.

I'd go to my cabin and lie down.

Force 10?

I will, I will.

Steady. Now, head just a little to the left, Jean.

OK.

Good.

Now, Ophelia. Chin up.

Chin... Look, do concentrate, Ophelia.

Right. That's better. Good.

Now, stick them out. Come on, Eve.

Good. Good. Right.

Now, Audrey, turn just a little to the right. Keep that if you can, darling.

Good. Right, now. Just one more from here. Here we go. OK?

Great. OK. Relax, girls.

Aaargh!

Stowaway! Stowaway! Call the Captain.

Shut up, you little idiot. I'm not a stowaway.

Well, what are you doing there, then?

I'm playing hide-and-seek with my friend.

Which friend?

Him.

I've been found!

You're it.

Who? Me?

Yes. I'm going to chase you now.

You mean... I'm it?

Oh, good.

OK, girls. Break it up.

Catch me if you can, handsome! Ooh-hoo!

Burkey! Burkey! You rise and shine early.

Yes... I like a run round the deck first thing in the morning.

Gets the blood surging through the veins.

Hel-lo, hello! Who are your friends?

Girls, Tony Burke.

Hi, Tony. I'm Eve.

Hi, Tony. I'm Jean.

Hi, Tony. I'm freezing.

Hi, girls. I'm available.

Oh!

You'll have to do much better than that.

Do you know who's on board?

Dr. Philip Dare!

Basil Beauchamp!

Oh, catch me, doctor man. I think I'm gonna crash!

And he's in cabin 20, M deck.

- Basil on this ship? - Do you know him?

Know him? I was at school with him.

He was senior to me, of course, but he's a swine, an absolute swine.

But he couldn't be. Will you introduce me to him?

I'd rather not. He's got a filthy reputation with women.

- Really? - Yes. No bird is safe within a mile of him.

Oh, he sounds better and better!

- I shouldn't have said that, should I? - No!

I thought you were going to chase me.

I suddenly felt... terribly tired.

Well, I'm very disappointed.

I'm terribly sorry, old chap. I just couldn't run another yard.

Not one more yard... duh!

Excuse me.

What, him?!

Mr. Basil Beauchamp?

No, no, no, they are calling me Satterjee, sir, because, you see, that is my name.

No. I mean, is this Mr. Beauchamp's cabin? I'm Dr. Burke.

Well, he is not wanting to see a doctor now...

No, it's all right. I'm Mr. Beauchamp's personal doctor.

- Which doctor? - No, I'm not a witch doctor. I'm his physician.

Oh, you are his physician? Oh, that is very fine. That is very good, sir. He is through here, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Er... you'd better get Mr. Beauchamp some breakfast. Say, sausages, bacon, eggs...

masses of toast, marmalade...

I am thinking that is not very good for Mr. Beauchamp, sir.

His stomach is most exclusive this morning. Most exclusive.

I am thinking, Satterjee: You do your job, I'll do mine. Right?

- Thank you very much, sir. - Thank you.

- No. Thank you, sir. - No, thank you. Thank you very much.

Morning, Baz. Tony Burke.

- Ohh... - You don't seem to be long for this world.

Go away. I want to die.

Well, that's perfectly OK by me, but before you go... I need a little help.

I'm in a slight predicament.

Is the sea any calmer?

Oh, yeah. It's as smooth as a baby's er...

Oh. Oh, no, it's terrible.

- Is it? - Oh, it's terrible.

It's getting worse all the time. Yeah.

Oh, Force 12 gale.

Waves as high as... the Albert Hall.

- The Albert Hall?! - Yeah.

Everything going to and fro...

Fro... and to...

All the time.

Not that a spell of inclement weather could stop a doctor...

coming out to help the needy.

Oh, no.

Even though I don't feel at all well myself, you know.

I shouldn't have had all those greasy sausages.

- Oh, and all that streaky bacon. - Ohh...

All those fried eggs.

- Ohh! - Oh, Baz.

- Oh, you're in a bad way. - Yes, I am.

Let me see your tongue.

Oh, I wish you hadn't. You need help.

I do, I do.

I'll tell you what I'll do. For the sake of the old school,

I'm prepared to shack up in the next cabin...

and use all my considerable medical skill

to nurse you back to health.

Oh, how's that for a noble and Christian act?

Oh, I don't care what you do!

Go away!

If you should need me... I'll be...

I'll be in the next cabin, at your service,

night and day.

Just call me if you should need me.

Especially at meal times.

Ohh... the sausages...

Ah, this is the life.

Mr. Beauchamp's breakfast, sir.

I'm taking it in to him now, sir.

Er... no, no, no.

I'll... I'll deal with that... later.

Mmm. Yes, er... by the way, Satterjee,

I shall be staying in this cabin for a few days, to keep a day-and-night watch over my patient.

Oh, deary me. Is Mr. Beauchamp as sick as that?

- Oh, I'm afraid so, yes. - In that case, he's not wanting this.

Er... oh, he will.

Oh, please, put it on the table. We've got to keep up his...

Oh, yes, yes. We must keep that up, yes.

I'll tell you, sir. I am going to your cabin,

and bringing all your clothes here.

No, no, no. That won't be necessary.

But you can take this jacket...

There we are.

And my trousers. And my shirt.

Get them cleaned and pressed.

And get them all back to me as quickly as possible.

Don't look so puzzled, Satterjee. It's purely a question of medical hygiene.

That's my doctoring suit, you see.

Oh, in that case, sir... I am getting you doctored as soon as possible.

If not sooner.

Yes.

In fact,

I will try to do it quicker than that.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah!

Oooh!

God, it's cold.

A vast behind.

Cheeky!

Morning, all.

Left hand down a bit!

Mr. Fleming, remove that person from my bridge.

Yes, sir...

Just a minute, Whiskers. I want a word with you about our contretemps last night.

We all make mistakes, Mr. Wendover.

Yeah. If I'd known that not getting dressed meant staying dressed,

I'd have stayed dressed and not got undressed.

When we talk of dressing for dinner, we mean wearing a dinner jacket for dinner.

All right. I've got one, and I'll wear it for dinner now.

Then the matter is closed.

Mr. Fleming...

Yes, sir. This way, please, sir.

It's your turn now, innit? You'll be apologizing to me.

For what?

If you'd done your job, you'd have told the passengers how to dress.

I mean, you're the Captain.

You've been on this trip before. This is my first time.

There is a 20-page brochure in your cabin,

telling you what you may or may not do on my ship.

I suggest that you read it, or, if that is not possible,

get someone to read it to you!

It's a bit late to tell me that now!

I mean, half the passengers think I come from the lower classes,

and don't know what suit to wear for which meal.

And it's your fault, Whiskers.

So, under the circumstances, you'll want to apologize.

I apologize to you?!

Thank you very much.

I thought you'd come off your high horse!

All fares, please?

See you at dinner. Keep her straight and level!

Very nice.

Now, how do I look, eh, Satterjee?

Oh, exquisite, sir. Absolutely exquisite.

Yes, that's what I thought. Well, we'd better bung off.

If Mr. Beauchamp rings, tell him I've gone to get him some medicine. Right?

- Right. - Right.

- Which is Mr. Beauchamp's cabin? - This... this is it, sir.

But he's very ill, sir. He's filling many washbasins, sir.

He is most kecky-boo.

I don't want to hear the sordid details, thank you, Satterjee.

Good morning, Beauchamp.

Beauchamp... this is your Captain.

Lancelot's brother.

Well, come along, come along. Show a leg.

Urgh!

Very happy to have you on board.

Captain, this is no time for horseplay. I'm a very sick man.

Nonsense. Seasickness is all in the imagination.

How do you expect to feel well without any fresh air?

You're not a hothouse flower, you know.

If you lie there feeling sorry for yourself, of course you'll feel sick.

I promised my brother I'd look after you,

and that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Nothing like these little chaps for a quick cure.

Revives footballers, boxers, and, on occasions, television personalities.

Aargh!

Just a moment.

Hello? Hello?

This is the Captain. Will you send a bottle of champagne to cabin 20?

No. Charge it to Mr. Beauchamp.

That's right. Upsadaisy.

- But the sea's calm. - You see? You're feeling better already.

Now, then, you get some clothes on and get a little fresh air, and join me for lunch.

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Oooh!

Ah, morning, sir. Lovely day, eh?

Yeah.

You haven't seen a particularly lovely model being photographed, have you?

Yes, I've seen her. As a matter of fact, I think she fancies me a bit.

To tell you the truth, they all do, you know. I'm at that interesting age.

Take that girl over there.

She's been eyeing me all morning.

Doing everything she can to attract my attention. Look!

There. See what I mean?

Phwoar!

It's these shorts, you know. They're driving her potty.

Yes, yes...

Where did you see my girlfriend? The one being photographed.

Er... there was two of 'em up the sharp end, about half an hour ago.

There you are. Look. She's done it again!

I'm sorry. I'll have to go.

Hello, darling. I got the message. What's the next move?

I beg your pardon?

'Ere, come off it! You've been fancying me ever since breakfast.

I saw that Tom Jones film, you know.

The way you ate your grapefruit left me in no doubt!

Is this man annoying you, M�lisse?

Just a minute! I saw her first.

Besides, you ought to be ashamed. You're old enough to be her father.

I am her father.

Sex maniac.

Morning, Dad.

- Oh! - Ah!

Get him!

Hey, what's going on in here? What's going on, eh?

I've been... er...

Thanks for coming round, Burke. You know the way out.

Now, just a minute, Baz.

Baz, Baz, Baz...

Mwah. Baz, I've got to have a word with you, in private.

Come back tomorrow.

We've got to push off, too.

OK. Let's go.

Bye, cookie.

Bye.

Oh, they're lovely.

Now, look here, Baz. I ought to tell you, I hope to marry Ophelia.

- What about it? - You shouldn't let her kiss you that way.

That way? Any other way will have to wait till we're better acquainted.

That's my gear you're wearing.

Oh, yes. As a matter of fact... that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Baz.

Well, while you talk, undress.

Well, I was hoping you'd lend them to me for a few days.

Not on your bloody life! They're brand-new. And I want to wear them myself. Get 'em off.

Oh, very well. You'll have to lend me something else, though.

I've sent my only suit to the cleaners.

Why have you only got one suit?

I only came on board to say goodbye to Ophelia.

Then I had a bit of an accident and got knocked unconscious.

I hadn't got any money.

So, some people would technically call me a stowaway.

- A stowaway! - Yeah. Me, a stowaway, Baz!

How ridiculous!

- Er... yes! - Tell me.

Why don't you do what everybody else does, and pay for your ticket?

Real doctoring isn't as profitable as TV doctoring.

Oh, ha-ha.

So, if you could just let me share your cabin, and a few things...

or, alternatively, think of some other way of helping me out of this unfortunate position...

I can... and I will.

Good old Baz! I knew you couldn't be as big a bastard as you were as a boy.

- Master-at-Arms, please. - You big bastard.

- I have a stowaway for you. - You rotten...

I thought you might like to come and collect him. He's leaving now.

Bastard!

You bastard!

Very fast, going south.

One, two. One, two.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight. And off.

What a funny time to do exercises, just before luncheon.

Perhaps you should do some.

I can't. I didn't pack my running shorts. Let's have a quick one. Do you feel up to it?

- Ah! - Oh!

Ah, locked.

Locked. Come on.

Aargh!

But, Mummy, how can you object to Mr. Wendover, when you haven't met him?

Mummy's been making enquiries, and what I've heard is ample.

Besides, you can see he's not a gent by his clobber. I don't know what you see in him.

He's terribly rich.

Be that as it may, he's just not good enough.

Now, Mummy means that, Dawn.

I haven't brought you up upper-class to throw you away on that heap of rubbish.

No, the one for you is the Captain, obviously.

I mean, not only is he a highly eligible bachelor, but he makes over 5,000 nickers a year.

He must have a bomb in the bank.

Oh, hello-ee!

Good morning, Captain.

Morning. Good morning, madam.

No, correction. Not madam. Miss. I'm the madam.

This, allow me to present you, is my daughter, Dawn Dailey, the dancer.

She does such wonderful things with her legs.

Oh, I hope I shall have the chance of seeing you dance on the cruise.

If you command, Captain, I dare not refuse.

Oh, come along, Dawny. Mummy wants her luncheon.

There'll be ample time for you and the Captain to have t�te-�-t�tes later.

Why did you drag me away so quickly? I didn't get to say anything.

You gave him one of your looks, dear. You know what sailors are.

A few more of them, you'll have to lock your porthole. Don't sulk.

- Morning. - Good morning.

- Morning, everyone. - We're so enjoying the peace and quiet.

I'm so glad! Hot enough for June, isn't it?

You do have such a delightful crew,

and such very congenial passengers.

F for f-freaky!

That's a nourishing soup, Captain.

You've done it again! You told me to dress for dinner, so I did, and now I'm the only one.

We're not having dinner, Mr. Wendover. We're having luncheon.

- What time is it? - 12:55.

That's dinner time to me.

If you'd taken the trouble to read the brochure, as I suggested,

you would have discovered that we serve luncheon at 12:30,

and dinner at 7:30.

Oh. Something to do with crossing the date line, I suppose.

Oh, well, it's a relief, really.

Ooh, this shirt's killing me.

Mr. Wendover, try and get it right.

We only wear a black tie at dinner. Have you got it?

Only wear a black tie at dinner.

- Correct. - I've got it. And I've got witnesses.

I shall take my repast in my cabin. Thank you.

Right, girls. Down by the pool, in your swimsuits, by 2:30, please.

Goodbye, darling.

Lovely to meet you, Dr. Dare.

If you'd care to clamber into your swimsuit, I'd love to do you too.

Woo-ooh!

Well, blow me down! Are you having fun?

Give me your hand, please. I'm stuck.

OK.

Hey, listen. Why weren't you at lunch?

I've got to talk to you, Ophelia. I'm in a slight predicament.

Ooh! Ow! Something's been singed.

Wow! Where did you get that underwear? It's too much!

You know, they're wearing them long and slinky this year.

Can we please discuss my sartorial tastes in your cabin?

OK.

Right. You - aft.

Come on.

Oh. I was just showing Dawn how to get her draws down.

Ha-ha!

Oh.

So, the fact is, you see, I'm a stowaway.

You don't say.

Yes, and I was wondering if you could let me shack up here for a few days...

and er... a few nights, of course.

Oh, no. That wouldn't do at all.

Why not? I know I've played around a bit in the past, Ophelia,

but... I want to ask you to be my...

Oh, no. I don't think Basil would like that at all.

Basil? What's he got to do with it?

Hey, you don't fancy him, do you?

Yeah. He's F for f-freaky!

F for f?

If that's the way it is, ring the Master-at-Arms and have me put in irons,

or hung from the yardarm.

I don't care. Nothing matters any more.

Oh, poor baby!

- Well... - I dig you, too.

- Really? - Really.

And I'd hate for you to get in trouble with the ship's fuzz.

Now, first you'd better get clean.

- Right. - Then I'll get some clothes together.

And you know who'll be very groovy and let you share his cabin?

Oh, yeah? Who's that, then?

Roddy.

Roddy? Oh, my God.

- Who's that? - Master-at-Arms, miss.

Wondered if I could have a word with you.

- I'm undressed. - That's all right, miss.

What?

Er... I'll wait, miss.

Sorry to keep you waiting, sailor. Is there anything I can do?

I have reason to believe, miss, that what you might call a male stowaway

has concealed his person... in your cabin.

Really? How amazing!

Lavinia, did you hear that?

Yes, I did.

Well, hello.

Well, please search it thoroughly, sailor.

Oh, yes.

Come on, Lavinia. We're late for Roddy already.

Excuse us, will you?

Right, lads. Leave this to me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, miss.

Just what you might call doing a spot of checking up on passengers unbeknown to me.

Your name would be Miss Lavinia?

Paxenbury.

Lavinia Edna Paxenbury.

If you like, you can call me Lav, for short.

Er... I'd just like to ask you one or two questions, if you don't mind, er...

...Lav.

Purely in the line of duty.

What's your name, Captain?

Humphrey.

But if you like, you can call me... Hum, for short.

It's a good job your name isn't Bumfrey, isn't it?

Aargh!

I thought you were a goner for a minute there, Lav.

Well, Lavinia...

...darling...

I think you and I had better go and have a chat with Captain Spratt.

And, if I was you, I would not call him "Jack" for short!

Come on!

Right turn!

So, you're a doctor? A male doctor?

Er... that's what he says, sir.

What were you struck off for? Wine, women or drugs?

Nothing of the sort, sir. I've never been struck off.

Normally, I should put you to work in the engine room.

But as you claim to know my brother,

I'll let you off lightly.

Thank you very much, sir. Does that mean I'm free to go?

Certainly not.

I'm going to make you my personal steward.

As a member of the crew, you will not be allowed to talk to or molest any passengers,

male or female.

Not that you're likely to have much time to do that.

Thank you very much, sir.

May I enquire my working hours?

Certainly. They'll be the same as mine. 24 hours a day.

24... 24?!

Take him away, and get him kitted out.

Very good, sir.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Er... what about lunch?

I've had my lunch, thank you.

Er... no. His, sir.

Certainly not... till he's done some work.

Hats...

on heads!

This way.

Left.

Go. One, two. One, two. One, two.

Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. Left.

There we are, sir.

- Burke. - Sir?

Start again, will you, and this time, use the soap... and the brush.

Start all over again, sir?

Yes, and when we've scrubbed... we polish.

Up!

Don't loll about, Burke.

A personal steward should be alert at all times.

How's that, sir?

Adequate, Burke. Adequate.

Aargh!

Now unpolish it, you bloody fool.

Oh, no. Oh, no...

The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.

The rain in Spain is staying mainly in the plain.

In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes hardly happen.

In Hertford, Hereford and Hampshire, hurricanes are hardly ever happening.

Good. Again.

The rain in Spain is staying mainly...

Oh, Doctor.

I am improving my accent.

Very soon, no-one will be able to tell that I am not a jolly well-bred and buttered Englishman.

My instructor, he is most pleased with me.

I believe I'm to share your cabin.

The Chief Steward is already telling me. Well, I do not mind.

You seem a jolly clean, nice fellow.

I hope you are not having any unfortunate habits.

Like wanting to borrow my toothbrush.

No, that's not one of mine.

Well, if you are keeping your nose out of my business, we are getting on fine.

I don't think I want to put my nose in your business, either, frankly.

Oh, let me help you, sir. Let me help you.

I'm only too happy to be giving you a bunk-up.

Now, if you are excusing me, I am practicing my yoga.

Yeah. You practice what you like.

But just give me a little peace and quiet before dinner.

# Indian music

Very excellent music. Number one on the New Delhi hit parade.

Top of the poppadoms.

You've done it again, ain't you? You said, in front of witnesses,

"You only wear a black tie for dinner. "

Hm.

Come along, Burke. Come along. No slacking. You're not on holiday, you know.

That seat's taken.

I've just come for a brief word with you, Mr. Wendover, if you don't mind.

It's about my little girl, Dawn.

Oh, yes. Lovely girl. She's certainly got it.

Yes, and you're not getting any of it.

I've noticed the way you've been sniffing around her this past week

and I think it's only fair that you should know

that if I have anything to do with it, she's going to marry a gentleman.

One who has real top-drawer,

who doesn't wear socks and sandals with his bathing knickers.

You're threatening me, aren't you? Forcing me to pop the question.

I hope you're not going to pop anything, Mr. Wendover.

I mean, if I'm going to pop the question to her, there's a number of things to consider.

Like... would it be worthwhile having you for a mother-in-law?

Oh, how puerile can you get?

And another thing.

How do I know you're not after my money?

Oh, my dear Mr. Wendover!

My daughter and I happen to be ladies.

Therefore, riffraff like yourself

could not possibly be of any interest to us.

Not even if you was rolled in gold.

What about if true love enters into it?

I mean, supposing she's pulsating with passion for me?

My daughter's very careful who she pulsates with.

Also, my Dawny is aiming

considerably higher than any heights that you are ever likely to climb.

Oh. I've got a rival, have I?

Captain Spratt, RNR, no less.

What makes you think he fancies her?

Oh! He's only invited her to take cocktails in his cabin

before the fancy-dress ball.

"RSVP."

So, you can put that in your pipe and stuff it.

You clumsy basket!

Very next port of call,

I'll get in touch with my solicitor.

I might have drunk some of that.

Take a reading there. Then we read it. You see?

Then make the setting here. Like this. Right?

Now, where are those ruddy girls?

Come along!

Now, I want you to drape yourselves around that sort of stairway thing there.

Now, hurry up!

Good. Yes, you stay down there.

Now... Basil, darling, please move.

You can't be in every shot.

See you later.

Thank you.

Right. Good.

Now, Ophelia, I want you up on the rail there.

- OK. - Up on that rail. If you could sit up there.

That's right. Could you give her a hand, please, Basil, love?

Thank you, darling.

Have you got no work to do, Burkey, old chappie?

Just admiring the birds.

Oh, yes. Sometimes we have many birds following the ship.

It all depends on the quality of the food.

No, not those sort of birds.

Those dolly birds down there... particularly the one chatting up Basil bloody Beauchamp.

Oh, she's lovely. Very, very lovely.

Yeah, she's the one I want to marry, but I can't get near her.

Why? Is she untouchable?

To me, to me, they look very touch-up-able.

Do it with the other coat, love.

I think he's got something against me.

The sea's down there, do you realize, and it's freezing cold!

Oh, my God! Hurry up.

Now, swing your hips round, love.

Hey, Burkey!

Hi! How ya been?

Hi!

Aargh!

Man overboard!

Woman overboard! Help! Help!

- Quick! Do something! - But I cannot swim.

Well, neither can I. Get a life belt, quick!

Get a life belt! Get a life belt!

Oh, quick! Hurry. She's drowning!

Keep going! Keep going!

I'll be with you in a minute. I'm with you...

Man overboard!

Oh, my dear Burkey! Come back!

Come back!

Oh, my camera! Help!

Help!

Don't you be going away, Burkey, old chappie. Don't you move.

I'm going to get the Captain.

Help!

I'm so sorry.

Help!

Help!

OK, Burkey, cool it. Just stay where you are! I'm coming now.

Help!

OK, OK...

OK. OK.

Now, listen. I know all about this. Just put him down there. Give him some air.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna kiss him back to life.

Ohh...

I shouldn't do that, darling. You don't know what diseases he's suffering from.

Is there a doctor here?

Yes, I'm the ship's doctor. Excuse me.

Could I just get in? Excuse me, miss. I'll just have a quick look.

There we are.

Urgh! Urgh! Where's my kiss of life?

Never mind about that. Just get your head up. Down you go.

And again. And again.

- Ow! My back! - Let's have a look.

Yes, nothing much wrong with you that a spot of rum won't cure.

- I wish I could say the same for you. - What?

- Well, I'm a doctor too, you know. - You're not?

- What's wrong with me? - Hepatitis Africonia.

- If it was, I'd be covered in spots. - You are covered in spots.

They're popping out all over you!

Give me a mirror.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh, my God! Could you hold that?

I've got to get to my cabin. Could you help me?

Yes, of course I will. Stand back, everybody.

Hepatitis Africonia. Highly contagious!

So, though unable to swim, you were the first person to dive in to help Miss O'Brien?

Anyone would have done the same, sir.

I wouldn't, for one, but then, of course, I've got more sense.

In view of your gallantry, some passengers have clubbed together to pay your fare.

Oh, really? I'd be most happy to accept that.

I've already turned down the offer on your behalf.

As Dr. Houston is indisposed, you're going to stand in as ship's doctor.

I'd rather be a passenger.

You will do as you're told, or you'll work for me again.

I see. In that case, I'll do as I'm told.

A very wise decision. One moment, Doctor.

Sir?

As you can see from this X-ray, I myself am by no means a well man.

This tomograph X-ray locates the shadow of the posterior peritoneum.

The EGS tracing is throwing up an irregular QRS complex.

The WR is negative but the blood boron is high.

Now, as the brother of a distinguished surgeon, I know what this means. Do you?

Yes, sir. You're constipated.

Then you must know that the cure for dyschezia,

as I prefer to call my complaint, is...

A large dose of castor oil, which is exactly what I'm going to prescribe for you.

Don't be so revolting.

If you want to get well, Captain, you must do as you're told.

If you don't like the taste of castor oil, add some orange juice

and drink it instead of a cocktail.

The only cocktail I drink is a dry Martini, and I shall continue to do so.

When did you last erm?

Southampton.

In that case, as your doctor, I forbid you to have any alcohol,

or to smoke, or to eat any carbohydrates.

- Oh, and just one other thing, sir. - Yes?

- No women. - What?

Or men.

Come in.

Oh, good morning, Doctor.

Good morning.

Do you mind if I park the old chassis?

No. Please.

I'm Mrs. Dailey. First-class passenger, as you can probably tell at a glance.

What's your trouble?

Well, Doctor, I was wondering whether you could let me have some pills.

- What sort of pills? - Well... you know. The pill.

Oh. You're on those, are you?

Oh, no, no, no!

They're not for me! They're for my daughter, actually.

She'd have come herself, only she's a bit shy.

I see. Is she married?

No, just cautious.

I see. Has she had them before?

Yes... but they keep falling out.

I think it would be a good idea for you to ask your daughter to come and have a chat with me.

Point taken. Will do.

And I'm inertly grateful to you, Doctor.

I mean, we are a bit too top-drawer to want to join the pudding club, aren't we?

- Bye-ee. - Bye-ee.

- Can I help you, sir? - Will you tell Captain Spratt I'd like a word?

Wendover, are you still unaware that only invited passengers are allowed on my bridge?

If I waited to be invited, I'd still be in my cabin having a kip!

You didn't invite me to your table, your bridge, or your cocktail party before the fancy-dress ball.

I paid 300 quid not to be invited anywhere!

It's my privilege... Will you get off my bridge?

Don't think I don't know why you haven't invited me to your party.

It's because you want to have a go at my bird.

What are you talking about?

Dawn Dailey, the dancer. The one I'm having a go at.

You want to fill her with cocktails, whip her up on the bridge and show her your compass.

I'm not standing for that, mate.

If I don't get an invite, I shall write to your superiors and claim racial discrimination.

So I shall be obliged if you will send me an RSVP by return. Thank you.

It's not what he says that makes me lose my cool.

It's those horrible shirts he wears.

# Jazzy instrumental

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Good evening.

- Good evening, Captain. - Good evening, Beauchamp.

Basil, darling! How daring! You've actually dared to come as Dr. Dare.

What else, Roddy?

Damn cheek!

Any volunteers for my operating table?

Yes!

- Ophelia, would you care to? - With pleasure.

Oh, Captain. Excuse my mitt.

Hello-ee, Mr. Purser.

Oh, Captain, that was a marvelous party you gave.

Out of this world. Pity you didn't get time to chat up our little girl, though.

Don't you think she looks absolutely ravished?

And ravishing.

I hear we're to have the pleasure of seeing you dance later.

Yes. I do hope you will enjoy it.

I'm sure I shall. I'm fond of the ballet.

She's very good at the Victor Sylvester bit, too.

Oh, perhaps I might have the pleasure later.

Delighted, I'm sure. Why not now?

I have to welcome my guests. They haven't all arrived.

Come along.

Oh, how gallant.

That's properly left you in the pruins.

Well, he's no good. It'll have to be Mr. Wendover, Mummy.

Well, never mind, poopsie

Anyway, of the two, I'd say Wendover has definitely got the bigger potential.

Now, please, please, to try this on, sir.

Right.

There, sir. There. Oh, one more thing, sir.

- Ooh. - How is that?

What I really need is a belt.

Belt? Please, this way, sir. This way for the belt, sir.

- Ooh... - I'm sorry, sir.

Yes. Now, perhaps... a wreath of laurels?

I have it over here, indeed, sir. I have it here.

Satterjee, you're marvelous.

One wreath, sir.

Ah. Mm. Ah.

The noblest Roman of them all, eh?

- How do I look, Satterjee? - Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

People will be saying, "My goodness me! Who is the lovely fellow with the beautiful dhoti?"

- Beautiful what? - Dhoti, sir.

Oh, dhoti. Yes, of course. Yes, I've got rather good legs, haven't I?

Beautiful, sir. They are beautiful. They are going all the way up to your bottom.

What?

You're absolutely right, you know.

It has been a most gratifying evening, Captain!

It's not over yet, madam.

- Your special orange juice, sir. - Unfortunately.

Any more for the Skylark?

- Where did you get that uniform? - That would be telling.

Surprising what a bit of the old... can do.

What do you think of them medals? Cardboard, mate!

Woo! Excuse me!

Oh, you do look alike!

Well, I went to a lot of trouble. Look at that. Stuffing out of his sofa.

See that? All padding.

- Oh! - Try his.

Oh! You're wearing a corset!

As you're under the impression that you are the exact facsimile of myself,

perhaps you'd like to take my place,

dance with my charming partner and drink my cocktail.

Well, ta very much. I thought you'd get matey sooner or later.

Well, chin-chin, cheers. Let's all have fun. Look out, tummy. Here I come!

Take your cold hands off my asp.

Sorry, Cleo.

- Ophelia! - Burkey! Oh, Burkey, I love your clothes!

Yes!

Er... who are you supposed to be? Twiggy? God!

Hey, Burkey, I forgot to thank you.

There's no need to thank him. He should thank you. You saved him.

But at least he was brave and tried.

Yes, yes, and I want to dance, Ophelia.

Oh, no, you don't. No dancing.

It's very lonely dancing on your own.

- Tough luck. Mean!

I thought he looked a bit hungry!

That was very unkind of you, Basil.

I'm... terribly sorry, Roddy.

- Let's go out onto the deck for a few minutes. - Why?

There's something I want to ask you. It's terribly urgent.

Ohh! You great oaf!

Mind my corkscrews.

Honestly, the type of person you get on these cruises!

Read the brochure, you'd never believe it.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to go back to your tables,

one of our passengers, Miss Dawn Dailey, has kindly consented to dance for us.

Miss Dawn Dailey.

# Striptease instrumental

Very interesting.

All right, eh? She's got plenty of talent, that girl.

Pardon.

My baba. She's a lovely little performer from the front.

When is she going to start dancing?

She's dancing now.

How square can you get?

Fits you, though, Roddy! - Bitch.

Ah! Look at that!

You don't think she's taking everything off?

I rather hope she does.

Disgusting.

Certainly not. It's all in the mind. Nothing disgusting about the female form.

Cor! I can hardly wait for my honeymoon!

She must be a great comfort to you. Lovely girl.

Takes after her muzzie... they say. I don't know.

I hope the music lasts out.

I hope I can last out.

Mr. Purser.

Lifeboat drill. Tell them to sound the alarm. I'll speak to the passengers.

Mummy!

Oh, my Gawd!

Don't worry, darling. I'm a man of the world. I can undo these things blindfold.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement.

For heaven's sake, Wendover! Cut out the horseplay.

Ooh! Ooh! Aargh!

Oh, Mummy, I'm all wet!

Never mind, darling. Mummy will steam 'em up for you.

Oh, dear.

Come on, Captain.

- What's that? - The emergency bell. The ship's sinking.

Nonsense. It's only a practice.

That's what they always say.

- I can't swim. - Help! Help! Women and photographers first!

So, despite having to live in America,

it's a smashing job, and it's mine, as soon as I get married.

Well, doctor man, who can we get to marry you?

I was just coming to that, Ophelia. I know I've played around a bit...

What are those bells?

Oh, it just means the ship's sinking. I want to ask you. Will you be my...

The ship's sinking!

Oh, Burkey, you can't swim! Get your life jacket.

You certainly caused a sensation there!

If you was half a gent, you would escort me and my Dawn to our lifeboat.

We haven't come on a luxury tour to tangle with the tourist class.

Can't you hear them bells? The whole ruddy ship's sinking.

Is it?

It'll have to sink without me. Cor!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not an emergency! Merely a practice.

Both hands, sir, please. What... Wait...

- Ophelia, are you all right? - She's fine.

You miserable little runt! Only one life jacket and you end up with it. Typical!

- Well, I can't swim, you see. - No.

- You selfish coward! - He's not.

No, don't you dare...

You... You did that on purpose!

You big bastard!

I'm not floating! I'm not floating!

Then stand up, you fool.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

A most unfortunate accident, sir.

May I suggest a double dose of epicacuana to counteract the chill?

I didn't send for you to doctor me, Burke. Your quackeries are required elsewhere.

I've just received an SOS from the Russian vessel, Drobny,

reporting an acute case of appendicitis.

She'll be alongside in 20 minutes.

The patient is a lady, sir?

Not the patient. The ship, you clot. I'm sending you to perform the operation.

Oh, thank you, sir.

You'll collect your tools and report, with the Master-at-Arms, on the poop,

in 15 minutes.

I shall inform my brother that your devotion to duty led you to volunteer

for this most dangerous mission.

There's nothing dangerous about performing an appendectomy.

No, but transferring from ship to ship by breeches buoy,

with the Russians in charge of the operations,

can hardly prove to be uneventful.

Please stand back, Miss O'Brien. This is a very tricky business. Right...

- May I ask a question? - Carry on.

What happens if the line breaks?

You'll get wet, won't you?

Yeah, but I... I can't swim.

Never mind. You'll pick it up. Don't forget to breathe.

Right. Cast off.

Hey, don't leave me here. Please!

I am saying a prayer for you, Burkey. Hooray!

Hooray!

Thank you, chaps.

- You Doctor, me Captain. Follow me, please. - Certainly, sir.

Madam.

Oh, ya bolyen!

Kogda pridyet doktor?

Him patient. You operate. Da?

Yes, but not here. It's too dirty.

Dirty?

Unhygienic.

You scrub. You'd all better scrub.

Too late! He die. You operate.

I'm afraid not, no. I have to first...

Er...

I'll do it right away.

But they go.

Nyet.

They stay. They watch. They like.

No TV.

I see.

I need hot water.

For tea?

Nyet.

To clean my instrument.

To clean...

Ah, to clean your tool.

There no need wash.

Clean, eh?

Kapitan, eto budyet bolyet'!

Thank you very much.

Nyet! Nyet. Ukhodi! Vot kakoy pribor? Ukhodi!

What for? He no like.

Er... I make him sleep.

Ah, no. I make him sleep.

He sleep.

Thank you very much.

Yes, well, keep him warm and on a light diet for two or three days,

and get somebody to take out the stitches on Saturday.

Well, I must be off now. Very nice meeting you.

Oh, where you go?

Back to my ship, of course...

My ship.

- It's gone! - Yeah. Why not you stay here with us?

Where are you all going to?

First stop: Grimsby. Arrive two weeks' time.

Grimsby? Two weeks?!

But my girlfriend's on that ship.

Oh, we have girls here. Look.

They are for the cookings...

and I am for the lovings.

You take care of the patient...

and I take care of the doctor. Da?

Yeah, well, I...

Wait here, will you?

Ophelia!

Oh, Burkey! What a surprise! I missed you.

Have you got anything to take me back to London?

I've got a very small taxi, but there isn't room for everyone.

- Oh, they've gone by train. It's just me. - Oh, good.

And my husband.

Your what?

My husband. He's still not very well.

Not him?!

Ah, there you are, darling.

Morning, Doctor. I'm all right now, thanks to you.

See, I always wanted to marry a doctor man.

But you didn't ask me.

- Where's the Rolls? - What are you talking about, Mum?

The conveyance.

Oh, that. Oh, the motorbike's in the shed.

- Motorbike? - And sidecar.

Well, surely you could have done a bit better than that, with your 22 divvies.

- 26, Mummy. - Mummy's talking, Dawn.

Well, there was 18 draws that week. I mean, the first divvy was only �22/6s.

I'm not a millionaire, you know.

You mean I married you for nothing?

Certainly not. You'll have everything a woman could wish for.

You'll have a nice kitchen, gas stove, lovely enamel bath, fridge, washing machine,

telly, dining room suite, airing cupboards, snooker table,

a place to put the motorbike, a library, and reception area.

Oh. Sounds quite attractive.

- How many rooms are there? - Oh, only one room.

- Oh... - It's the best end of Willesden, 30 bob a week.

- 'Ere, your mum's fainted! - Oh, Mum!

'Ere, Mum, say something.

- Oh, how bleedin' dreadful! Mum?

How much will you give me for this?

- Four quid. - Four quid?! You're joking!

You're not going to London, are you?

Well, I am, as a matter of fact.

I wondered if I could erm... share your taxi.

I don't see why not. Do you?

No. I'll pay my share.

That really won't be necessary, you know.

Er... it's entirely my pleasure. Do hop in.

'Ere, Mum!

Grandpa! Bonzo! Jamie! Come on.

I've got a taxi!

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Charlie is love. ls that it?

-How do you mean, the male-female sense? -Well, that's it, but that's only a part.

-Love is love. You can't define it. -Did Charlie teach you that?

Charlie taught us to look at ourselves and see the love within.

When you accompanied Charlie up to Barker Ranch in that bus...

-...how did he get it over the washouts? -He flew it.

You mean--?

You actually believe Charlie made the bus fly over the washouts?

Oh, we were there.

Do you believe he's Jesus Christ?

When you were at Spahn Ranch, Charlie assigned you to keep house...

-...for George Spahn. ls that right? -Yes. l love George.

ls your love for Charlie different than for George Spahn?

No. Love is love.

Come on. George Spahn is over 80 years old.

l'm in love with George. lf he asked me to marry him, l would.

He's a beautiful person inside.

And he's a good lover too.

Actually, l'm not very interested in your sex life, Cindy.

What l am very, very interested in is what you may know...

...about the Tate, Hinman, LaBianca and other murders.

-We don't know anything about any crimes. -All we know or care about is love.

l see.

Well, do you mind telling me where you two were on the nights of August 8 and 9?

There's no such thing as time.

There's only love.

Okay, Charlie, let's get going. Gate's open. Unlocked.

Gate open.

Okay, Charlie. Let's go.

Charlie, tell me, what is it you got against these earthmoving machines anyhow?

That's the pigs ripping off nature, man.

ls that a fact? Well, let's go. Come on.

Three months after the Tate-LaBianca murders...

...Manson is arraigned at the Inyo-Kern County courthouse...

...for the destruction of the county's earthmoving equipment.

l understand Manson's going to plead not guilty to setting fire to that machine.

-He'll get bail. -Ask for as high a bail as possible.

You can hold him till l'm ready for the grand jury in L.A.

Okay.

Five deputies for me? What do you gentlemen do when you get a real baddy?

-That's Jesus Christ. -What'd you do with his disciples?

They sound alike, say the same thing, nobody tells me anything.

That's telling me something. Manson is exercising domination over these girls.

The way we can get them to talk is to bring them to L.A...

...away from him, and question them separately.

The wandering troubadour act of his. lt's part of a con to get us to underestimate him.

lf he looks like he's gonna make bail, give me a call in L.A.

Okay.

The Manson girls are transferred from Independence to L.A. County jurisdiction.

Pigs, bye-bye.

l've talked to the girls, Danny, and l believe Manson had enough domination...

-...to send them to do anything. -Not just the girls. Clem, Tex, Bobby--

Why? Why would he send them to kill Sharon Tate and everybody in that house?

They didn't go there to rob them. They didn't take anything.

See, Charlie taught the Family that pigs just deserve to die.

l mean, that's all they were good for.

He wanted to kill the pigs, blame it on the niggers and start a race war.

Why a race war?

Well...

...Charlie was always preaching that the karma was turning, you know?

And it was blackies turn to be on top.

-But why? -l don't know. That's just what he said.

Who did he call pigs?

The establishment.

Pigs. They use that word a lot, don't they?

That's right.

All the time.

Well, if the other girls talked like you say, fine.

More power to you. Why do you need me?

Leslie Van Houten is interrogated by Sergeant O'Neal of homicide, L.A.P.D.

l wanna know who was involved.

l wanna know how it went down, all the details.

l said l'd talk about it if l changed my mind.

l haven't changed my mind yet.

You're gonna have to talk about it someday.

Maybe, but not today.

Hey, how did you ever trace it back to Spahn?

Who did you see leave the night of August 8?

l went to bed early that night. Really, l don't want to talk about it.

-Why are you trying to protect them? -l don't need to protect nobody.

You couldn't meet a nicer bunch of people.

The Family's no more, Leslie. Charlie's in jail.

-Not for long. -Clem's in jail.

Boots killed himself playing Russian roulette.

Boots dead?

Playing Russian roulette? How? Who else was there?

-Cisco Budge. -Was Cisco playing too?

No.

Boots was playing Russian roulette all by himself.

Kind of odd, isn't it?

Yeah, it's odd.

Leslie...

...we know that five people went to the Tate residence. Three girls and two men.

We know that one was Charles.

l don't think Charlie was in on any of them.

There were only four people went up there and three of them were girls.

l heard one girl didn't murder anyone while they was--

-They were up there. -No? Who was that?

Girl by the name of Linda.

-Linda who? -l don't know.

-Who told you she was there? -l don't remember!

l don't remember who told me little details.

Susan Atkins told 15 people in the jailhouse she was there and that she took part in it.

That's incredible.

Didn't she mention anyone else?

-Charlie and Katie. -Not Charlie. Charles.

He's Tex. Tex Watson.

-She mentioned Tex and Katie? -That's right.

That's pretty nauseating.

She said that Katie was there. Now, l know that Katie's Patricia Krenwinkel.

And you know that Katie's Patricia Krenwinkel.

She said she went out the next night and killed two people.

Sadie said that?

l'm not saying another word. Nothing!

Leslie, when you help me, you're helping yourself.

lf Boots was found playing Russian roulette, l could be found playing Russian roulette.

-We'll give you 24-hour protection. -Oh, that would really be nice.

l'd rather stay in jail.

Based on inadvertent bits of information leaked by Leslie Van Houten and others...

...and interviews with detectives, L.A.P.D. issues warrants for arrests of three persons.

That's right, sheriff, Charles Denton Watson.

Male Caucasian, 6-feet-2, 160 pounds...

...slim build, ruddy complexion, born December 2, 1945.

-5-foot-3. -187 P.C. Murder.

22 years old, brown hair, blue eyes. That's correct, sir.

Krenwinkel, Patricia. 187 P.C.

Linda Kasabian, age 20, no physical description, present address unknown.

-Hi, Vince. -How you doing?

Talked to Sheriff Ansel in Watson's hometown in Texas.

Watson's there. Sheriff's gonna pick him up.

Ansel, Ansel. Watson used that name. He's using his hometown sheriff's name?

-Second cousins. -l smell extradition problems.

-Maybe good news. -What?

Watson was busted on a drug charge in Van Nuys on April 23 and fingerprinted.

l sent the fingerprints down to latent print section on rush order.

-You come up with anything? -We're working on it.

When we find it, we'll give it to you.

Right.

Thank you.

Print on Watson's right ring finger...

...matches the latent thumb on the front door to the Tate residence.

l'll buy you a cup of coffee. That's the first piece of physical evidence...

...connecting any of the suspects to the crime scene.

-What about Manson? -Not one of the five girls will discuss him.

-Not even Van Houten. -So the big fish is still out of the net.

-The only shot we have is Atkins, Vince. -lmmunity for the little monster.

-We don't have much choice. -A minute ago l was happy, now l'm down.

No matter who we convict, if Charlie and Sadie go free, we failed.

Partial failure, maybe. Partial isn't as bad as total failure.

Somehow judging my life by the size of my failures doesn't really grab me.

Concord, NH. Three months, two weeks after the slayings...

...Linda Kasabian, hearing that a warrant is out for her, surrenders to police.

In McKinney, Texas...

...Sergeant Phil Cohen telephones his report to L.A.P.D.

The sheriff, Ansel, won't let us talk to Watson or even take his fingerprints.

l don't know.

We're not gonna get much cooperation from these good old boys down here...

...as far as getting Watson to L.A. to stand trial.

Listen. Before we go in, Dennis, let's check signals.

l want this to be a short meeting.

This is to confirm with the DA what we've discussed.

The best deal that we can give Susan is if she cooperates...

...and testifies truthfully before the jury about the Hinman, Tate, LaBianca cases...

...then we will not seek the death penalty against her in those cases, okay?

You won't use her testimony against her or her codefendants at the trial.

-We're getting the short end. -She's all we've got.

At least we'll get indictments. l don't want a lot of renegotiation...

-...to start after we get in Younger's office. -l'm with you.

-He knows how lucky he is. -Aaron, Vince!

-Lieutenant, you know Dennis? -l've seen him around.

-Could l speak to you alone? -l'll meet you inside.

Right. Right, guy.

We got an exemplar of Krenwinkel's prints from Mobile.

The print of the little finger on her left hand...

...matches a latent that Gerebone lifted off a door in Tate's bedroom.

-You do good work. -Most of the time.

-Who's your friend? -lt's great having physical evidence...

...but l've gotta have the .22 Buntline and a case against Manson.

Now you know that the grand jury proceedings are secret....

Thank you very much, gentlemen! Thank you.

-Where did you first meet Charlie? -l was living in his house in Haight-Ashbury.

Were there other young men and women living in that house with you?

Oh, sure.

Would it be fair and accurate to say that as a group you were into drugs?

Sure, that would be accurate.

-Shall l get back to Charlie? -Yes, go ahead, please.

Charlie's looking at us right now, and he can hear everything we're saying.

Susan, Charlie is up in lndependence, in jail.

You're not capable of understanding.

Well...

...l was sitting in the living room, this is about two years ago...

...and a man walked in, and he had a guitar with him.

And all of a sudden he was surrounded by girls, and he started to sing.

He sounded like an angel.

-You are referring to Charles Manson? -Yes.

A couple of days later, he asked me to go for a walk...

...and we walked a couple of blocks to another house...

...and he told me he wanted to make love with me.

l acknowledged the fact that l wanted to make love with him.

And when l had all my clothes off, he told me...