All language subtitles for Inside No. 9 - 05x04 - Misdirection.KETTLE.English

So, what do you reckon?

It's extraordinary.

I've been working on it
for a couple of years.

I call it A Chair Raising
Experience.

May I, erm...?

No, help yourself.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Well, it's not wires.No.

Can you use any chair?Er, no.

The sightlines are good.
Can you do it surrounded?

About 100 degrees.

Is it hydraulics? Can't be.

You know I can't tell you.
How much do you want for it?

It's not for sale.

Whatever Wayne Dobson has offered
you, I'll double it.

Honestly, it's not for sale.

This is my ticket onto
the cruise ships.

Last year, I nearly got on
the Queen Mary to Mombasa.

You can't waste this
on cruise ships.

This is Vegas level.

It's a game-changer.

Look, Neville...is it?

I'm very flattered you took an
interest in my little trick.

You're clearly a passionate student
of the magic arts,

but I'm happy doing my
balloon animals

and making my grandson smile
at his birthday party.

Who built it for you?I did.

On your own?Yep.

You don't realise what you've got.

I do.

The world should know about it.

It deserves to be seen.

It will be seen!

I've got a princess party tomorrow
morning at the Methodist church.

What if you're on one of your
cruises and you hit an iceberg?

What, in Mombasa?

All I'm saying is that the secret
goes down with you.

That it does.

I take it everywhere with me.

What is that?

Well, it was nice meeting you,
anyway.

Cheers.

I think I know how it's done.

It's to do with the fold
in the chair, isn't it?

Are there mirrors in the legs?
Is it motorised?

Well, I'm glad it's got
you thinking, anyway.

I should be off, they don't like
you coming in after ten, so...

OK, well, erm...

You know where I am now, so, er,

do feel free to pop your head in
any time.

And if you ever do decide to sell,

you'll...you'll come to me first,
yes?

Well, you know, maybe I could see
me way clear to doing it

just one more time for you.

Then I can perhaps have
one for the road?

Of course! Thank you so much!

I really appreciate it.

- Stick out the foot.
- It's out.

Is it?Yes!

Right, OK. I'm gonna take out
the middle now. Here we go.

Wiggle your fingers.

Well, the biggest deception

will be creating the illusion
you're enjoying it.

I told you it was a bad idea anyway.
Just get me out!

It's not a bad idea.
Classic illusion.

This is why I retrained, so I didn't
have to be your warm prop.

Well, don't do it, then.

It's only a photograph
for a student magazine.

I'm sure they won't be bothered.

I'm only doing it to sell
a few more copies of the book.

Is that what you're wearing?
What do you mean?

For the interview.
You look like a devil worshipper.

It's all part of the mystique.

Be careful with those blades!

Why? You've had a tetanus,
haven't you?

Why can't you just wear a hoodie
like Dynamo?

If I was going to sell drugs
in Aldi car park, then I would, yes.

People like him.

People like me!

He's got five million followers
on Facebook.

Don't start.

2.2 million Twitter followers.

Houdini didn't have Twitter.

Just put a T-shirt on.No.

A T-shirt with a bow tie
printed on it, then!

Rodney Bewes? No.

I'm happy with my image.

Stop trying to change me.

OK.

I bow down to you, Satan,
my lord and master.

I'll call you from the hotel.
What time will you be in?

Well, late, probably. I want to work
on that spirit cabinet.

OK. Well, your dinner's going to be
in the utility room fridge.

Have fun...

And don't slag off other magicians.

I still get blanked
by Geoffrey Durham in Sainsbury's.

Piff, paff, poff!

Let him in, would you?

His name is Gabriel something.

Mr Griffin?

Call me Neville.

You must be Gabriel.

It's such an honour to meet you.

Wow, so many awards.

Well, one or two, yes.

I just use them as paperweights.

Thank you for agreeing to do this.

My pleasure.

It's good to see a new generation
getting into magic.

Really important.

I do a few tricks myself, actually.

Yes, I could tell that.
Can I have my ring back, please?

Sorry about that, I just...

...I wanted to see how long
it would take you to notice.

About three seconds, I would say.

The secondary misdirection
was a little obvious,

using the awards,
appealing to my vanity.

Wow, so many awards.

One or two, yes.

I just use them as paperweights.

I didn't mean to imply that...
No, no, it's fine.

The steal itself was deftly done.

Take a seat.

So this is the famous Unit 9.

You've had this place for years,
haven't you?

I have, many years.

Do you mind if...?
No.

Can I take you back to where
it all started

for you, which probably would be
the...

...floating chair trick?

A Chair Raising Experience.

Yes, that was a...a game-changer.

And you created that in here?

Not very far
from where you're sitting now.

And nobody else knows how it's done?

Not another living soul.

I'm so sorry about this.

Should have turned it off.

Actually, I'd better take it.

Hello?

Yeah, but I can't really say
at the moment.

Could you, er...
could you spell that for me, please?

Yeah.

OK. Great.

OK, I'll give you a call in an hour
or so.

Sorry about that.

So, I notice you have
quite a hi-tech security system.

Does it worry you that people could
steal your intellectual property?

It does.
In this community, the theft
of an idea is worse than murder.

But there's a magician's code
that generally prevents such things,

as I'm sure you know.

You've made some comments
in the past about street magic -

you're not a fan, are you?

I'm not.

To me, this hit-and-run style
sort of strips the mystique,

the showmanship,
from the true illusionist.

It's the ultimate trivialisation
of the craft to reduce it

to the effect only.

Well, what do you mean?
I mean, isn't that what people want?

Let me show you.

A brand-new deck of cards.

Open them up.

Give them a shuffle.

Cut the deck...

...and deal off the top five cards,
just in a row.

Point to one.

Eight of clubs.

Impressive.

Now watch this.

My grandfather was stationed
in Strasbourg

during the Second World War.

One night, his regiment was sent
on a mission into the Black Forest.

In the gloom of the trees,

and becoming separated
from the rest of his men,

my grandfather came across
an old man dressed in a cowl,

hunched over a small fire.

Suddenly, there was
a tremendous explosion,

and my grandfather was thrown
to the ground.

When he recovered,
the old man had disappeared,

leaving only this box,

which contained these cards

and an inscription,

"Sie konnen den Tod nicht betrugen."

What does that mean?

You can't cheat death.

Shuffle the cards.

They are, of course,
the 22 Major Arcana

from the traditional Tarot deck

and they represent
life's spiritual lessons.

Now, before we begin,

look through and find the one card
nobody wants to see in a reading -

Death.

Put him in here.

Back in the box,

out of the way.

Like the old man by the fire.

Now, cut the deck
and deal off the top five cards,

forming the shape of
the Celtic cross, like so.

And, as you do, think very carefully
about your future.

What kind of life
do you see for yourself, Gabriel?

Now let's see what you have chosen.

The Wheel of Fortune -

you're putting yourself
in the hands of fate.

The Hierophant -
a figure representing wisdom.

A teacher, perhaps?

Could be my grandad.

Possibly.

Justice - you wish to right a wrong
from your past,

rebalance the scales.

And...

...the Magician. Well, we all know
they can't be trusted.

And this final card
represents your future.

At least we know
it can't be the Death card, since...

Dear.

Reveal your fate, Gabriel.

Sie konnen den Tod nicht betrugen.

So, essentially,
it's the same trick,

a rough and smooth deck
with a slip card force.

The added theatrics of the switch box,
with the music giving you the atmosphere.

The misdirection
is the elaborate narrative

that allows a simple trick
to hide in plain sight.

I know which one I prefer.

And does it cut both ways?

Could you use the magic
to distract from a story?

Particularly a story
you want to be kept secret?

I'm not sure I follow.

Could I show you something
I've been working on?

Of course. You'll find
I am the perfect audience member.

I never spot a thing.

So, first of all, it's safe to say

that I can't actually
read your mind.

I hope not.

Good.

Now, I would like you to think
of a five-digit number.

It can be any combination,

just something that only you know
and I don't.

Really lock it in.

OK.

Good.

So, erm, this experiment is slightly
easier for me if I can imagine

the numbers written down,

so if you wouldn't mind
doing that for me.

There you go.

You want me to write
the numbers down?

If you would, yeah.

But, obviously, don't let me see.

And once you're finished,

just fold up the piece of paper
and hold it in your left hand.

Now, I noti...

So sorry about this.

Sorry.

Now, I notice you have
a bowl of fruit over there.

If you wouldn't mind going over
and grabbing me a piece?

If you could just hold that
out in front of you, carefully.

Very sharp and very real. Agreed?

Agreed.

You've still got the numbers
in your left hand?

Could you just hold it out
in front of you?

Agh!

They are. Bravo.

Good.

Now, would you like to wash your
hands?

Yes, please.

There's a sink over there.

So it's electronic.

I assume the pen is fitted
with a tracking chip

which relays my hand movements
to an app via your phone,

which you conveniently checked

when you got your imaginary phone
call during the demonstration.

Once you have the numbers, you have
me scurrying off into the corner

to fetch you a banana,

whilst you use a wax thumb tip
to write the digits down

on your pad.
It wasn't a thumb tip,

it was just a small candle.

Close enough.

Then you use a real razor
to slice the banana

before switching it with a
replacement, rigged with blood,

for the grand finale.

Am I close?

No.

You see, unfortunately, you put the
real razor back in the wrong pocket.

May I?

The trick itself was
diverting enough,

but, sadly,
the misdirection was not.

The offering of your own pen,
the pantomime of the phone call,

the "go and get me fruit",
the clumsy razor switch.

It all feels so flagged.

It's a catalogue of How-Not-Tos,
I'm afraid.

Useful if you're still starting out.

I hope this helps.

It does. Thank you.

I'll work on it.

I don't mean to sound negative,
it's merely constructive criticism.

You're clearly a very passionate
student of the magic arts.

Where does it come from?

I suppose it's from my grandad.

He used to do magic shows for me
when I was a kid.

He invented a lot of his own tricks,
actually.

A bit like you.

Although he never had
the success that you've had.

Is he still with us?

No. Ironically enough,
he disappeared almost ten years ago.

Although, I received a package
recently from his lawyers.

How very Dickensian!

A letter of wishes.

He requested that,
when I reached the age of 25,

I be given his notebook,

which contained detailed
explanations of all of his tricks.

Unfortunately, I never received it.

So he...he took his secrets
with him to the grave.

Never said he was dead.

Well...

...sometimes with magic,
it's better when you don't know.

So, time's ticking on.
Do you have everything you need?

I think so, yeah.

Good. Well, I'll, erm...

I'll go and get you a copy
of my book.

I can sign it for you
with your magic tracker pen.

You didn't actually think I was going to
give you the code to my safe, did you?

Psychologically nudging me toward it
with "it's safe to say",

"any combination",
"lock the numbers in".

It's early Derren Brown, at best.

You killed him, didn't you?

Who?

My grandfather, Willy Wando.

You stole his trick
and then you murdered him.

Now, why would you think that?

Cos among his personal effects
was a list of all the tricks he'd invented,

and on top of that list,
his latest creation...

...A Chair Raising Experience!

And where's your proof, Gabriel?

I've got proof,
don't you worry about that.

Proof that's gonna put you away
for life.

You know how many accusations
like this I face every year? Dozens.

"I invented that
in my bedwoom,

"and now I've seen him do it
on the television!"

I've got the patent!

You can't patent a magic trick.

Well, you can, but then it becomes
a matter of public record,

and no magician
is ever going to want that.

Exposure, that's...worse
than stealing.

All right, then, prove it. Come on.

Let's open up the safe

and see what's in there.No.

If you read this book,

you'd learn that I change
the combination once a week

and not even my wife knows it.

You think I would reveal my secrets
to a dirty little chancer like you?

Fine.

I'll be back with a search warrant,

and let's see what the police
have to say about it.

I look forward to it.

Ta-ta!

'Could you, er, spell that for me,
please?'

Is there anybody there?

Hi. You get checked in OK?

What's the matter?

What do you mean?

Why do you keep ringing me?

I haven't rung you.
When did I ring you?

Neville, the hotel said you keep
ringing the front desk

and leaving abusive messages!

What?!That's what they said.

I mean, why would you embarrass me
like that?

I don't know what you're talking
about. That wasn't me.

I've been doing that interview.

OK. Well, that's just weird, then.

How did it go?

Well, he wanted to show me
a magic trick.

I wasn't fooled.

Charming as ever.
Look, I'd better go,

I've got a mountain of prep
to do before tomorrow.

Yeah, speaking of mountains,
have you ever heard of Mountweazel?

Mountweazel, all one word?

Yes.Yeah, course I have.

It's a copyright trap.

What do you mean?

It's a deliberate piece
of fake information

hidden in a reference work
to guard against the stealing of IP.

How?

There was a famous case of Trivial Pursuit
being sued by an encyclopaedia.

They'd stolen a question
regarding Columbo's first name.

They'd invented the fact that
Columbo's first name was Philip,

then, lo and behold, it turns up
in Trivial Pursuit, thereby proving...

Plagiarism. Yes, I understand now.

Look, I... I've really got to go.
My client's going to be here any minute.

OK, bye.

Hi, this is Jennie.

I can't get to the phone right now,
so please leave a message.

Mr Griffin?

Yes?

Sorry to startle you.

Door was open.

Detective Inspector Phillip Hewson.

Like to ask you
a couple of questions, if I may.

Look, if this is about
a patent issue,

then you'll have to speak
to my lawyers.

No, it's about your wife,
Mr Griffin.

Can I ask when was the last time
you spoke to her?

Yesterday.

She... She was working away.
She had a hotel.

You tried to call her several times,
I believe.

You were quite agitated.

No. No, we were fine.

What's all this about?
Can you tell me your whereabouts

between 10pm last night
and 3am this morning?

I was here and then I went home.

Has something happened?

I'm sorry to have to tell you,
Mr Griffin,

but a woman matching
your wife's description

has been found dead.

Right.

Sorry, what?

We believe she was murdered last
night...

...in the vicinity of her hotel.

Murdered?

Would you like to take a seat,
Mr Griffin?

Er, don't touch that!

I can't...

I can't believe it. She was...

She was only here yesterday.

You said you were here last night.
Can you prove it?

Er, yes. Yes, I have it
all logged on...

According to your security company,
you deleted yesterday's footage.

You got a particular reason
for that?

No, er...

No, not really.

Am I correct in thinking

you're the only person who knows
the combination to this safe?

Absolutely.

There's no way
anybody else could know it?

Not at all. Not even Jennie knows.

Er, knew.

You never wrote it down?

No, it's in my head, and that's it.

Why?

Could you open it for me, please?

Of course.

Sorry, I-I'm just...I'm
a bit shaken.

We have reason to believe

there might be
an object of interest inside.

OK.

'I assume the pen is fitted
with a tracking chip.'

I do a few tricks myself, actually.

Yes, I can see that.
Could I have my ring back, please?

'All right, then, prove it.'

Come on. Let's open up the safe
and see what's in there.

'...which relays my hand movements
to your phone via an app.'

I'll ask you not to touch anything,
Mr Griffin.

We need to test it for prints.

Yes.

I see now.

Neville Griffin, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of murder.

You do not have to say anything,

but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention,
when questioned,

something you later rely on
in court.