Original subtitles

- ♪ Boo boo boo boo

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

♪ Boo boo boo boo

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

♪ Boo boo boo boo

♪ Boo boo boo boo ♪

- [laughs]

Ooh!

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

- [groans]

[sighs] I live in a Hard Rock Café.

[grunting]

[guitars twanging]

Almost there, Annie,

and then you can stop talking to yourself.

One, two...

[grunts] [yelling]

Whoa--oa--

Ooh. [groans]

[screams]

Help!

[crowd cheering]

- Okay, ready?

- Ready!

[organ playing]

both: Charge! - Help!

[organ playing]

both: Charge! - Help!

- [chanting] - Help, help, help, help.

- [chanting] - Help, help, help, help.

[organ playing]

[both cheering] - Help!

- If we get that flag before the other team,

we're in the tournament. Wizard, work your magic.

- I'll cast a leg-cramp spell to slow them down,

but ya boy needs some help!

[grunts]

Barbarian, clear a path for my spell.

- On it.

[groaning]

[grunting]

Die, trees!

All clear. Castle dead ahead.

- Archer, we need a wall of fire.

- Wall of fire on its way.

[grunting]

Apprentice Baker, I need more fire.

- I'm doing my best, Wolf. We're all gonna need food soon

and this damn bread won't rise.

- Forget the bread. We need fire.

- Forget the bread? The bread is pivotal.

If you don't eat, you lose health points,

and you'll be too dead to capture the flag.

- Excuse me, sir. - I don't work here.

- I know. I do.

- My condolences.

- [humming]

You're so handsome, Wolf.

You're such a good dancer,

and your head makes the cutest squeaky sound.

Of course, you can dip me. Thanks for getting my consent.

Ooh! [giggles]

- Where's Mommy? - I don't know.

It's not like her to be late and not call.

Yeah, I'd like to order a large pizza.

- Jack!

- Mommy's home!

- And a salad.

- Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha!

- Annie, where are you?

- Under the gillo-tine!

- Guillotine. - [grunts]

- Right. Not important. I got you.

[grunting]

I'll get help. Stay here.

We've gotta save your mom's life!

- Now?

But I must needs prepare the victuals for breakfast--ugh!

- [screeches]

Get out!

- I don't care what weird thing you're doing.

I need your help. - Kill your own spiders.

- This is bigger than spiders. Come.

- Ow.

- Okay, I'm in the middle of a very important game,

so just press "A" to blow the bellows,

and don't let my fire go out.

- Okay, but I'm gonna need you to forge Dad's signature

so I don't have to get a tetanus shot.

- Deal.

- [sighs] Boring, stupid, nerdy.

- Trouble. Got Orcs on my ass.

- [gasps] That's Wolf.

- Gonna kill me.

- Not today.

[both grunting]

- There you go, honey. So how was work?

- Jack, I am tiredof all this crap in our garage.

- Crap? Every one of these things

is a precious memory from my youth

that some day I'll pass down to Duncan.

- Oh, I don't want this crap.

- Maybe you're crap.

And the only reason my stuff's crammed into the garage

is because you wanted to have babies,

and they wanted to sleep in the house.

- I'm not gonna keep living like this, Jack.

- Oh.

- Mm-hmm-- - Quick, move over!

[eerie tone]

You were just supposed to stoke the fire.

What have you done?

- The team kept yelling for help,

so I used the bread to lure out

the friendly elves, then killed them all,

then filled the ravine with their blood,

made a raft to get across

by binding their bones together

with their own intestines, scaled the wall,

and captured the flag before the other team--simple.

- There's a thing called rules of engagement, Kimberly.

Sound familiar?

- No, thank God.

- Well, you violated every single one of them.

I mean, these elves are peaceful merchants.

They couldn't even warn the other elves

because they don't have a word for murder.

- Who cares?

I won the game and got you in your stupid tournament.

You're welcome, nerdo.

- Dude, what the hell was that last night?

- Yeah, sorry about that. I--

- Sorry? Never apologize for being a badass.

- That's right. You're the butchering baker

that got us into the tournament.

- Hm? Damn straight, I did.

- Who knew you could kill people with a butter knife?

- Epic bloodbath.

I threw up right there at Best Buy.

Epic puke-bath.

- Get ready to throw down 'cause we're taking on

the toughest team in the league,

the Stay at Gnome Dads.

- Don't get too close.

You haven't been vaccinated against loser-itis.

[laughter]

- You literallyjust chaperoned our field trip.

- This ain't the children's museum, bitch.

- Don't you have a roast to check on?

- Joke's on you. Already in the crock pot.

- We're off to practice while you idiots

waste your time at school.

[laughter]

- You don't scare us.

Maybe your weird baby, but not you.

- That's right.

The Butchering Baker is gonna bring

your sorry asses to your knees.

Shoot. I thought it would've been closed by now.

Ugh. Jerks.

[gasps] all: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.

- Uh-oh. all: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.

- Duncan, you have my lunch.

- Okay, thanks. Bye.

- What are you celebrating?

- Your brother's a beast.

- His psychopathic spree got us into the tournament.

- Yep, he's a total psychopath.

- I think I fell in love with him last night.

- I'm sorry, Duncan.

It was me! He didn't do crap!

I'm the total psychopath you love!

- Is this true, Duncan?

- Okay, Okay, I briefly abandoned my post,

but I hand-picked her,

and I told her exactly what to do.

Now, can we please get back to hoisting your hero?

group: Kimberly! - And Duncan.

group: Kimberly, Kimberly! - And also Duncan.

- [grunting]

Roadies have the life, huh?

Money, chicks, snakes, healthcare, pension.

Oh, my God. Alice Cooper!

Can I get an autograph?

- Sorry, man. I don't do autographs.

- I understand, Mr. Cooper.

I'm just a stupid teenager, and you're just my hero.

- [sighs] Hey, kid, tell you what.

It's the last show of the tour,

and I'm tired of lugging this thing around.

You want it? - For reals?

But chopping your head off is the highlight

of every show of every tour.

It's so unpredictable.

- I know, but my wife hates me keeping it in the garage.

She says she's "tired of livingwith this crap."

both: [laugh] Women.

- Could you please call my principal and yell,

"School's out for summer"?

- No. Education is very important.

And about drugs--

- I know, I know. Don't do them.

- Suit yourself.

- What am I doing?

[yells]

- I heard a tortured scream. Does it mean it's going well?

- Horrible. This is the hardestthing I've ever had to do.

- Jack, you were in the Gulf War.

- But this means something to me.

- Oh, come on.

When was the last time you even looked at this stuff?

- I look at it every day.

Sometimes I come down at night

and relive all these great shows.

I still feed the goldfish in Keith Moon's drums.

- Those fish don't look so good, Jack.

- They're 42 years old. They look damn good.

- All right, we caught a lucky break last night,

but that was a fluke.

We've gotta get back to the basics.

The element of surprise works only once.

[yells] What are you doing here?

- You know what?

I'm just gonna rip the band-aid off.

We decided to replace you with Killer K.

- What? When?

- In a group text that you're not on.

[phones buzzing] [laughter]

- What are you laughing at?

- Nothing.

- So you're kicking me off the team?

The team that I built,

the team that I thought about making T-shirts for.

And all that stuff I did for you.

I got you out of that tetanus shot,

and because of me,

you didn't have to get a tetanus shot.

Oh, and remember that time

you didn't want to get a tetanus shot?

Who was there for you?

- You. But who got us into the tournament?

Me.

Let me just say what they can't.

Your game is weak.

- Oh, and you're tough?

- That's right, 'cause I'm something

you'll never be-- a middle school girl.

There's no name I haven't been called,

no taunt I haven't endured,

no body part that hasn't been shamed.

I show no mercy, and must kill to survive.

- Yeah, that's middle school.

- Besides, you're still gonna be on the team, little buddy.

- Really? - Yeah.

Getting those supplies you're so good at.

Who wants a Mountain Dew?

- No hard feelings, Dunc. Just playing to win.

You're still our best friend. Now go get us some Dew.

- [moans] I tried.

I really tried. Please don't make me do this.

- Okay,I'm sensing you're overwhelmed.

Let's start with something easy.

Um, how about this confederate flag?

It's a symbol for racism

and offensive to every decent human being.

- I know, but...

Skynyrd!

- You can do this, honey. I have faith in you.

What's this old gizmo?

- Oh. Peter Frampton's Talk Box.

I stole it from his truck.

He had to cancel the rest of his tour.

- Okay, we're gonna walk to the dumpster together, honey.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

- I did it!

- I'm so proud of you.

I'm gonna make you your favorite dinner.

You keep throwing crap out.

- [Talk Box singing] ♪ I'm sorry, I can't do that

♪ I love my crap, here's Slash's hat ♪

[vocalizing]

- You're sick. You need help.

- ♪ Can I still have spaghetti? ♪

Yeah.

- [groans]I'm not their stupid water boy.

And I'm gonna tell them thatwhen I bring them these drinks.

[raccoon purrs]

Uh, are you okay? What happened?

[raccoon whistles]

[yells]

Does nobody believe in the rules of engagement?

[all groaning]

- Hmm?

[growls]

- [chews loudly]

- Stop chewing at me.

- What? This is how I chew.

It's how I chewed since I was born.

- It's true. My nipples were a crime scene.

- [chews loudly]

- Stop it, stop it, stop it!

- Enough of this brouhaha. What is all this hubbub about?

- All I did was be better than Duncan

at the thing he loves mostand take his place on the team,

and now his friends like me more than him

and I don't know why he's making

such a big deal out of it.

- I don't mess around with the stuff you love

like clarinet and online bullying.

- You stay out of my bullying or I swear I will dox you,

swat you, and catfish you so hard,

you'll believe you're in love.

[both grunting]

- Oh, that's enough.

Look, Kimberly, I'm happy youfound something you're good at,

but I understand where Duncan's coming from.

When you take away something somebody loves,

you take away their identity.

- Do not turn their childish fight into our childish fight.

[phone buzzes] - Oh, gotta go.

Yangzi hooked the team up with free hand massages

at the mall kiosk.

- Wha-- [groans]

I love free hand massages at the mall kiosk.

- Ooh, that sounds nice. Bye, Kimberly.

Have fun with Dunkie's friends.

- Whose side are you on?

- I'm not on anybody's side.

I'm trying to support Kimberly,console you,

and make your fatherget his toys out of the garage.

- Do these look like toys to you?

- Stop acting like a child, and go do your chore!

- Please do not emasculate me in front of my kids.

- [gasps] Emasculated dads.

That's it!

- What does masculated mean?

- It means...

strong.

- Hmm.

- After a full day of cooking, cleaning, and kids,

I'm just not in the mood.

Doesn't mean I don't love her. I'm just...

all: Tired.

- I come bearing soy lattes and a proposal.

- [hisses] - Easy, Jensen.

Let him smell you first.

- [sniffs] Ahh.

- Go on.

- I want to join your team.

I want to be a Stay at Gnome Dad.

- Okay, do you have a kid?

- None that I know of. [laughs]

Okay, look. I can help you win.

I know their strategy.

- Your sister doesn't have a strategy.

She's just a killing machine.

We need something to throw her off her game,

get in her head.

- Yeah, we need something to whack her

in her emotional kneecap with an emotional tire iron.

- Can you do that, Duncan?

- With pleazh.

[grunts] Gotta find something

to humiliate Kimberly at the tournament,

then I can stop talking to myself.

[groans]

whoa.

[laughs]

- Is that an evil laugh?

- What? No. - Hmm.

Okay.

- Welcome, video game lovers, or vlovers.

We're streaming live at the big tournament.

This is Tim from "Game Time with Tim."

I'm Tim, and it's game time!

[crowd cheering]

They started from the bottom. Now they're here.

Team You've Got Chainmail!

[crowd cheering]

- I like the way this feels on my skin.

- Aren't you wearing a shirt under that?

- Hell no.

- Now give it up for Stay at Gnome Dads!

- That one doesn't look like a dad.

- What does a dad look like?

- Wait a minute.

I'd know that pre-scoliosis hunch anywhere.

- Hello, losers. Ready to lose?

Oh, my God. Bex, are you naked?

- Hell yeah.

- So after we kill Bex, Yangzi, and Wolf,

I'll post this humiliating photo on the big screen,

then while she's crying, I'll kill her.

- Beautiful. - Nice.

- I love when kids cry.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

this one is for all the marbles,

a $50 certificate to Dave & Buster's.

[cheers and applause]

Players ready,

players set,

players...

capture the flag!

- [panting]

- [yells] Victory or death!

[groans]

- And the Barbarian is dead.

- [laughs]

- Avenge me!

- Sure.

- [grunting]

- You're doing it!You're the best husband I've...

wait a minute. This is my stuff.

- Crap is crap, honey. Come on.

This thing was taking up a ton of room.

- You mean my wedding dress?

- You're married. We get it.

Quit living in the past.

And what about this creepy doll?

- My great grandmother made that.

It's a treasured family heirloom.

Plus, we've tried to throw it away,

and it keeps reappearing.

- And these pants from high school?

- My goal is to fit back into them some day.

They're aspirational pants.

[grunts]

[exhales] [groans]

Like a glove.

- Well, then, I'm gonna wear my Slash top hat,

Stevie Nicks gypsy shawl, and Bootsy Collins platforms.

- Oh, where are you gonna wear those?

- Lots of places.

Hardware store, church, to vote.

- [grunting]

Okay, I cleaned out my junk.

- Fuzzy Freddy?

You can't throw him away,

not after what we went through to get him.

- It was Christmas Eve,

and he was the last one on the shelf.

I grabbed it when suddenly

this guy tries to steal it from me.

[grunts]

- So I jumped on his back, shoved Play-Doh in his eyes...

Smush. Take it! Eat it!

And Christmas morning,

you were the happiest little girl in the world.

- That's my favorite Christmas memory.

- Mine, too. - Well, now it's trash.

Bye, Freddy!

- Wait! Memories are what a family is all about.

We're gonna keep Fuzzy Freddy and Slash's hat.

- And this haunted doll.

It just winked at me. You saw it, right?

- We are gonna keep all of our old memories,

and never stop making new ones.

Duncan, Kimberly, get out here and do something memorable.

- They're at the video game tournament.

- Making a memory without us? Not on my watch.

- Oh! Die already!

- Both teams have made it to the castle.

- [grunting]

I got the dads covered.

Wolf, Yangzi, kill Duncan.

- Show your face.

- I don't see him anywhere.

- That's because I'm wearing my invisibility cloak.

Now you know what it feels like

to be stabbed in the back through the stomach.

[both groan]

- [sigh]

Prepare to die at the hands of a 12-year-old girl.

[dads yelling]

Just another reason for your wives to be ashamed of you.

- Now it's just down to Duncan and Kimberly.

I've never seen anything like this

in the six-month history of this sport.

- Time for the photo, Duncan.

Kill her reputation, then kill her character.

- Kill.

- Aww. His first word.

- Any last words?

- I've heard a picture is worth a hundred of them.

- What are you talking about?

- I took a picture of your closet, Mrs. Wolf.

- Please, don't!

- Why not?

You deserve to feel the humiliation that I have.

- Hi, Dunker. Hi, Kimber.

- Hey, we're here.

Somebody, explain to me what this game is.

Which one is Super Mario?

Oops, oops, oops, sorry, sorry.- Excuse me, excuse me.

- Coming through. Oops, sorry, coming--

- Coming through. Watch your toes.

[people groaning]

- [groans] - I thought we agreed

we don't invite them to things.

- I didn't say crap.

- Hurry, Duncan. Humiliate your sister.

- Okay. - Stop, stop, stop!

- [yelling] This is how it ends.

[crowd cheering]

- [gasps] [shrieks]

[crowd whistling]

[both groaning]

[both vocalizing]

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

[giggles]

- [sighs] I can't do it.

We've both been embarrassed enough.

Someone has to end the cycle.

[audience gasps]

[laughter]

- Oh, that's the boy that Kimberly likes.

- Oh, that's the hot dog I like.

- My life is over.

- Uh, actually, that's my shrine.

Uh, I fantasize about my sisterand my best friend making out,

and I make collages about it.

I ship 'em so hard.

[audience groans]

- It's disturbing as hell,

but I love that he's interested in art.

- So that thing's in our house?

- That's so sick, Duncan. You should be committed.

Putting me and Wolf together,

I mean, it's not that far-fetched,

but still sick.

- Game's not over. Kill me like a psychopath.

- [grunts] - [yells]

- [panting]

- And You've Got Chainmail wins.

The flag is theirs. The glory is theirs.

The gift card is theirs.

This is Tim, and I have no friends my own age.

- Sorry for the way we dumped you, Duncan.

- But 50 bucks at Dave & Buster's,

I mean, you get it, right?

- No, not really.

- Cool. We love you, man.

- Aww.

- Good game. Sorry your brother's a perv.

- Yeah, I don't know where he gets it from.

[hums]

- Aw, man. I got mustard on my shawl.

Annie, hold my pretzel. She passed out.

Duncan, Kimberly, help me getyour mother out of these pants.

- [gasps] You found your wedding tux.

You look amazing, and so does our garage.

- I just did a little tidying up.

- Where did all your stuff go? - Do you care?

- I guess I don't. Mmm.

You rock.

- Yes, I do.

[humming]

She bought it!

Thanks for helping me build that fake garage.

- Yeah, I'm a pretty big HGTV head.

Love those Property Brothers.

So deal's a deal. Give me my guillotine back.

- Before I give it back, can you cut my head off?

- Ha. Suit yourself.

- So how exactly does this trick--

Ow...ow...my head!

My head!

-Yaah!-ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the world of Duncanville.