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1
00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:05,048
- ♪ Boo boo boo boo
2
00:00:05,092 --> 00:00:09,226
♪ Boo boo
boo boo ♪
3
00:00:09,270 --> 00:00:13,187
♪ Boo boo boo boo
4
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:17,278
♪ Boo boo
boo boo ♪
5
00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:21,412
♪ Boo boo boo boo
6
00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:23,719
♪ Boo boo
boo boo ♪
7
00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:24,720
- [laughs]
8
00:00:24,763 --> 00:00:25,938
Ooh!
9
00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:27,636
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
10
00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:29,116
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
11
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,735
- [groans]
12
00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:43,565
[sighs]
I live in a Hard Rock Café.
13
00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,745
[grunting]
14
00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:53,053
[guitars twanging]
15
00:00:55,142 --> 00:00:56,665
Almost there, Annie,
16
00:00:56,708 --> 00:00:58,971
and then you can stop
talking to yourself.
17
00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:01,974
One, two...
18
00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:03,759
[grunts]
[yelling]
19
00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:06,153
Whoa--oa--
20
00:01:07,328 --> 00:01:09,982
Ooh.
[groans]
21
00:01:10,766 --> 00:01:12,942
[screams]
22
00:01:14,596 --> 00:01:15,945
Help!
23
00:01:15,988 --> 00:01:17,338
[crowd cheering]
24
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:18,687
- Okay, ready?
25
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:19,949
- Ready!
26
00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:21,472
[organ playing]
27
00:01:21,516 --> 00:01:23,126
both: Charge!
- Help!
28
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:24,562
[organ playing]
29
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:26,129
both: Charge!
- Help!
30
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,000
- [chanting]
- Help, help, help, help.
31
00:01:28,044 --> 00:01:29,132
- [chanting]
- Help, help, help, help.
32
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:30,264
[organ playing]
33
00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:32,527
[both cheering]
- Help!
34
00:01:33,658 --> 00:01:35,007
- If we get that flag
before the other team,
35
00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:37,401
we're in the tournament.
Wizard, work your magic.
36
00:01:37,445 --> 00:01:39,229
- I'll cast a leg-cramp spell
to slow them down,
37
00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:41,971
but ya boy needs some help!
38
00:01:42,014 --> 00:01:44,756
[grunts]
39
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,019
Barbarian,
clear a path for my spell.
40
00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,325
- On it.
41
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:50,371
[groaning]
42
00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:51,546
[grunting]
43
00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:53,765
Die, trees!
44
00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:57,943
All clear.
Castle dead ahead.
45
00:01:57,987 --> 00:01:59,380
- Archer,
we need a wall of fire.
46
00:01:59,423 --> 00:02:00,946
- Wall of fire on its way.
47
00:02:00,990 --> 00:02:04,254
[grunting]
48
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,430
Apprentice Baker,
I need more fire.
49
00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:08,737
- I'm doing my best, Wolf.
We're all gonna need food soon
50
00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:10,173
and this damn bread
won't rise.
51
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,044
- Forget the bread.
We need fire.
52
00:02:12,088 --> 00:02:15,309
- Forget the bread?
The bread is pivotal.
53
00:02:15,352 --> 00:02:17,398
If you don't eat,
you lose health points,
54
00:02:17,441 --> 00:02:19,400
and you'll be too dead
to capture the flag.
55
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,402
- Excuse me, sir.
- I don't work here.
56
00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:23,273
- I know.
I do.
57
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,970
- My condolences.
58
00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:27,016
- [humming]
59
00:02:28,583 --> 00:02:30,541
You're so handsome, Wolf.
60
00:02:30,585 --> 00:02:31,977
You're such a good dancer,
61
00:02:32,021 --> 00:02:35,242
and your head makes
the cutest squeaky sound.
62
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:38,549
Of course, you can dip me.
Thanks for getting my consent.
63
00:02:38,593 --> 00:02:40,986
Ooh!
[giggles]
64
00:02:41,030 --> 00:02:42,771
- Where's Mommy?
- I don't know.
65
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:45,426
It's not like her
to be late and not call.
66
00:02:45,469 --> 00:02:47,819
Yeah, I'd like to order
a large pizza.
67
00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:50,039
- Jack!
68
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:51,083
- Mommy's home!
69
00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,346
- And a salad.
70
00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,261
- Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha
ha-ha!
71
00:02:54,304 --> 00:02:56,350
- Annie, where are you?
72
00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:58,221
- Under the gillo-tine!
73
00:02:58,265 --> 00:02:59,614
- Guillotine.
- [grunts]
74
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:02,443
- Right. Not important.
I got you.
75
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:05,097
[grunting]
76
00:03:05,141 --> 00:03:06,664
I'll get help.
Stay here.
77
00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:08,666
We've gotta save
your mom's life!
78
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:10,277
- Now?
79
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,322
But I must needs prepare the
victuals for breakfast--ugh!
80
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:15,891
- [screeches]
81
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:17,327
Get out!
82
00:03:17,371 --> 00:03:19,329
- I don't care
what weird thing you're doing.
83
00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,462
I need your help.
- Kill your own spiders.
84
00:03:21,505 --> 00:03:23,028
- This is bigger than spiders.
Come.
85
00:03:23,072 --> 00:03:24,465
- Ow.
86
00:03:24,508 --> 00:03:26,467
- Okay, I'm in the middle
of a very important game,
87
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,599
so just press "A"
to blow the bellows,
88
00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:30,035
and don't let my fire go out.
89
00:03:30,079 --> 00:03:32,473
- Okay, but I'm gonna need you
to forge Dad's signature
90
00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:33,474
so I don't have to get
a tetanus shot.
91
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:35,693
- Deal.
92
00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:39,871
- [sighs]
Boring, stupid, nerdy.
93
00:03:39,915 --> 00:03:41,525
- Trouble.
Got Orcs on my ass.
94
00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:42,483
- [gasps]
That's Wolf.
95
00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:43,614
- Gonna kill me.
96
00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,660
- Not today.
97
00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:49,925
[both grunting]
98
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:52,928
- There you go, honey.
So how was work?
99
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:56,366
- Jack, I am tiredof all this crap in our garage.
100
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,455
- Crap?
Every one of these things
101
00:03:58,499 --> 00:04:00,370
is a precious memory
from my youth
102
00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:02,503
that some day
I'll pass down to Duncan.
103
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:04,331
- Oh, I don't want this crap.
104
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:05,941
- Maybe you're crap.
105
00:04:05,984 --> 00:04:07,725
And the only reason my stuff's
crammed into the garage
106
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:08,900
is because
you wanted to have babies,
107
00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:10,293
and they wanted to sleep
in the house.
108
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:13,340
- I'm not gonna keep
living like this, Jack.
109
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:15,864
- Oh.
110
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,127
- Mm-hmm--
- Quick, move over!
111
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,868
[eerie tone]
112
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,652
You were just
supposed to stoke the fire.
113
00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,524
What have you done?
114
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:24,481
- The team
kept yelling for help,
115
00:04:24,525 --> 00:04:26,091
so I used the bread
to lure out
116
00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:27,658
the friendly elves,
then killed them all,
117
00:04:27,702 --> 00:04:28,746
then filled the ravine
with their blood,
118
00:04:28,790 --> 00:04:29,965
made a raft to get across
119
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:31,358
by binding
their bones together
120
00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:32,663
with their own intestines,
scaled the wall,
121
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:35,318
and captured the flag before
the other team--simple.
122
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:38,321
- There's a thing called
rules of engagement, Kimberly.
123
00:04:38,365 --> 00:04:39,670
Sound familiar?
124
00:04:39,714 --> 00:04:40,976
- No, thank God.
125
00:04:41,019 --> 00:04:43,326
- Well, you violated
every single one of them.
126
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,720
I mean, these elves
are peaceful merchants.
127
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,678
They couldn't even
warn the other elves
128
00:04:47,722 --> 00:04:49,898
because they don't have
a word for murder.
129
00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:51,421
- Who cares?
130
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:53,902
I won the game and got you
in your stupid tournament.
131
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:56,034
You're welcome, nerdo.
132
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,952
- Dude, what the hell
was that last night?
133
00:05:00,996 --> 00:05:02,476
- Yeah, sorry about that.
I--
134
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:06,175
- Sorry? Never apologize
for being a badass.
135
00:05:06,218 --> 00:05:07,959
- That's right.
You're the butchering baker
136
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,570
that got us
into the tournament.
137
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,789
- Hm?
Damn straight, I did.
138
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:14,705
- Who knew you could kill
people with a butter knife?
139
00:05:14,749 --> 00:05:16,403
- Epic bloodbath.
140
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:17,708
I threw up right there
at Best Buy.
141
00:05:17,752 --> 00:05:19,014
Epic puke-bath.
142
00:05:19,057 --> 00:05:21,408
- Get ready to throw down
'cause we're taking on
143
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,713
the toughest team
in the league,
144
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:26,587
the Stay at Gnome Dads.
145
00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:27,718
- Don't get too close.
146
00:05:27,762 --> 00:05:31,026
You haven't been vaccinated
against loser-itis.
147
00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:32,723
[laughter]
148
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:35,378
- You literallyjust chaperoned our field trip.
149
00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,598
- This ain't
the children's museum, bitch.
150
00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,382
- Don't you have a roast
to check on?
151
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:41,384
- Joke's on you.
Already in the crock pot.
152
00:05:41,428 --> 00:05:43,386
- We're off to practice
while you idiots
153
00:05:43,430 --> 00:05:44,735
waste your time at school.
154
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:47,172
[laughter]
155
00:05:47,216 --> 00:05:49,610
- You don't scare us.
156
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:53,353
Maybe your weird baby,
but not you.
157
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:56,660
- That's right.
158
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:57,835
The Butchering Baker
is gonna bring
159
00:05:57,879 --> 00:06:00,272
your sorry asses to your knees.
160
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:06,496
Shoot. I thought it
would've been closed by now.
161
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:07,584
Ugh. Jerks.
162
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:12,633
[gasps]
all: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.
163
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:15,418
- Uh-oh.
all: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan.
164
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:16,985
- Duncan, you have my lunch.
165
00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:17,986
- Okay, thanks.
Bye.
166
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:18,987
- What are you celebrating?
167
00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:20,989
- Your brother's a beast.
168
00:06:21,032 --> 00:06:23,600
- His psychopathic spree
got us into the tournament.
169
00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,648
- Yep, he's a total psychopath.
170
00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:30,302
- I think I fell in love
with him last night.
171
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:31,303
- I'm sorry, Duncan.
172
00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:32,870
It was me!
He didn't do crap!
173
00:06:32,914 --> 00:06:34,568
I'm the total psychopath
you love!
174
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:36,308
- Is this true, Duncan?
175
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:38,441
- Okay, Okay,
I briefly abandoned my post,
176
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:39,616
but I hand-picked her,
177
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,270
and I told her
exactly what to do.
178
00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:45,796
Now, can we please get back
to hoisting your hero?
179
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,494
group: Kimberly!
- And Duncan.
180
00:06:47,537 --> 00:06:50,279
group: Kimberly, Kimberly!
- And also Duncan.
181
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:57,068
- [grunting]
182
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,031
Roadies have the life, huh?
183
00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:06,251
Money, chicks, snakes,
healthcare, pension.
184
00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:09,733
Oh, my God.
Alice Cooper!
185
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:11,300
Can I get an autograph?
186
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:13,520
- Sorry, man.
I don't do autographs.
187
00:07:13,563 --> 00:07:15,304
- I understand, Mr. Cooper.
188
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:18,350
I'm just a stupid teenager,
and you're just my hero.
189
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,483
- [sighs]
Hey, kid, tell you what.
190
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,050
It's the last show of the tour,
191
00:07:22,093 --> 00:07:24,095
and I'm tired of lugging
this thing around.
192
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:25,880
You want it?
- For reals?
193
00:07:25,923 --> 00:07:27,316
But chopping your head off
is the highlight
194
00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:28,752
of every show of every tour.
195
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,493
It's so unpredictable.
196
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:33,627
- I know, but my wife hates me
keeping it in the garage.
197
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:36,717
She says she's "tired of livingwith this crap."
198
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,589
both: [laugh]
Women.
199
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,069
- Could you please
call my principal and yell,
200
00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:42,113
"School's out for summer"?
201
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:45,552
- No.
Education is very important.
202
00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:46,857
And about drugs--
203
00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:48,337
- I know, I know.
Don't do them.
204
00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,557
- Suit yourself.
205
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,864
- What am I doing?
206
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:55,649
[yells]
207
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:58,608
- I heard a tortured scream.
Does it mean it's going well?
208
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:01,742
- Horrible. This is the hardestthing I've ever had to do.
209
00:08:01,785 --> 00:08:03,744
- Jack,
you were in the Gulf War.
210
00:08:03,787 --> 00:08:05,310
- But this means
something to me.
211
00:08:05,354 --> 00:08:06,747
- Oh, come on.
212
00:08:06,790 --> 00:08:08,923
When was the last time
you even looked at this stuff?
213
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,881
- I look at it every day.
214
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:12,666
Sometimes I come down at night
215
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:14,755
and relive
all these great shows.
216
00:08:14,798 --> 00:08:17,714
I still feed the goldfish
in Keith Moon's drums.
217
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,544
- Those fish
don't look so good, Jack.
218
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:25,374
- They're 42 years old.
They look damn good.
219
00:08:27,811 --> 00:08:30,118
- All right, we caught
a lucky break last night,
220
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:31,554
but that was a fluke.
221
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:32,686
We've gotta get
back to the basics.
222
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:36,385
The element of surprise
works only once.
223
00:08:36,428 --> 00:08:38,126
[yells]
What are you doing here?
224
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:39,344
- You know what?
225
00:08:39,388 --> 00:08:40,432
I'm just gonna rip
the band-aid off.
226
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:41,999
We decided to replace you
with Killer K.
227
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:43,348
- What?
When?
228
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:44,698
- In a group text
that you're not on.
229
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:47,004
[phones buzzing]
[laughter]
230
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:48,658
- What are you laughing at?
231
00:08:48,702 --> 00:08:49,833
- Nothing.
232
00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:51,792
- So you're kicking me
off the team?
233
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,228
The team that I built,
234
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:55,578
the team that I thought about
making T-shirts for.
235
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,580
And all that stuff
I did for you.
236
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,147
I got you
out of that tetanus shot,
237
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:00,365
and because of me,
238
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:01,802
you didn't have to get
a tetanus shot.
239
00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:02,716
Oh, and remember that time
240
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:03,804
you didn't want to get
a tetanus shot?
241
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:05,153
Who was there for you?
242
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:07,808
- You. But who got us
into the tournament?
243
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:08,591
Me.
244
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:10,245
Let me just say
what they can't.
245
00:09:10,288 --> 00:09:11,638
Your game is weak.
246
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:12,856
- Oh, and you're tough?
247
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:13,814
- That's right,
'cause I'm something
248
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:15,729
you'll never be--
a middle school girl.
249
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,252
There's no name
I haven't been called,
250
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:18,819
no taunt I haven't endured,
251
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,429
no body part
that hasn't been shamed.
252
00:09:20,472 --> 00:09:22,431
I show no mercy,
and must kill to survive.
253
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:23,954
- Yeah, that's middle school.
254
00:09:23,998 --> 00:09:26,609
- Besides, you're still gonna
be on the team, little buddy.
255
00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:28,176
- Really?
- Yeah.
256
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,700
Getting those supplies
you're so good at.
257
00:09:30,744 --> 00:09:33,181
Who wants a Mountain Dew?
258
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:35,749
- No hard feelings, Dunc.
Just playing to win.
259
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:39,230
You're still our best friend.
Now go get us some Dew.
260
00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:45,976
- [moans]
I tried.
261
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,849
I really tried.
Please don't make me do this.
262
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,025
- Okay,I'm sensing you're overwhelmed.
263
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:52,766
Let's start
with something easy.
264
00:09:52,809 --> 00:09:55,769
Um, how about
this confederate flag?
265
00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:57,509
It's a symbol for racism
266
00:09:57,553 --> 00:10:00,208
and offensive
to every decent human being.
267
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:01,905
- I know, but...
268
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:04,647
Skynyrd!
269
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:07,258
- You can do this, honey.
I have faith in you.
270
00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:08,651
What's this old gizmo?
271
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:11,001
- Oh.
Peter Frampton's Talk Box.
272
00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:12,220
I stole it from his truck.
273
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:13,787
He had to cancel
the rest of his tour.
274
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:16,441
- Okay, we're gonna walk to
the dumpster together, honey.
275
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:20,097
Left foot, right foot,
left foot, right foot.
276
00:10:20,141 --> 00:10:21,229
- I did it!
277
00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:22,491
- I'm so proud of you.
278
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:24,275
I'm gonna make you
your favorite dinner.
279
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:25,886
You keep throwing crap out.
280
00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:28,279
- [Talk Box singing]
♪ I'm sorry, I can't do that
281
00:10:28,323 --> 00:10:31,456
♪ I love my crap,
here's Slash's hat ♪
282
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,675
[vocalizing]
283
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,677
- You're sick.
You need help.
284
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:40,509
- ♪ Can I still have
spaghetti? ♪
285
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:41,815
Yeah.
286
00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:45,688
- [groans]I'm not their stupid water boy.
287
00:10:45,732 --> 00:10:47,821
And I'm gonna tell them thatwhen I bring them these drinks.
288
00:10:47,864 --> 00:10:49,387
[raccoon purrs]
289
00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,826
Uh, are you okay?
What happened?
290
00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:54,828
[raccoon whistles]
291
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,917
[yells]
292
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,877
Does nobody believe
in the rules of engagement?
293
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:06,578
[all groaning]
294
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:08,276
- Hmm?
295
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,712
[growls]
296
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:13,324
- [chews loudly]
297
00:11:13,368 --> 00:11:14,499
- Stop chewing at me.
298
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:15,762
- What? This is how I chew.
299
00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,285
It's how I chewed
since I was born.
300
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:20,070
- It's true.
My nipples were a crime scene.
301
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,855
- [chews loudly]
302
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:23,770
- Stop it, stop it, stop it!
303
00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:26,903
- Enough of this brouhaha.
What is all this hubbub about?
304
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:28,557
- All I did
was be better than Duncan
305
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,733
at the thing he loves mostand take his place on the team,
306
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:31,908
and now his friends
like me more than him
307
00:11:31,952 --> 00:11:32,909
and I don't know
why he's making
308
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:34,389
such a big deal out of it.
309
00:11:34,432 --> 00:11:35,825
- I don't mess around
with the stuff you love
310
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:37,871
like clarinet
and online bullying.
311
00:11:37,914 --> 00:11:41,004
- You stay out of my bullying
or I swear I will dox you,
312
00:11:41,048 --> 00:11:42,745
swat you,
and catfish you so hard,
313
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:44,094
you'll believe you're in love.
314
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:45,574
[both grunting]
315
00:11:45,617 --> 00:11:47,184
- Oh, that's enough.
316
00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:49,752
Look, Kimberly, I'm happy youfound something you're good at,
317
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:51,841
but I understand
where Duncan's coming from.
318
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:54,191
When you take away
something somebody loves,
319
00:11:54,235 --> 00:11:56,933
you take away their identity.
320
00:11:56,977 --> 00:12:00,415
- Do not turn their childish
fight into our childish fight.
321
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:01,982
[phone buzzes]
- Oh, gotta go.
322
00:12:02,025 --> 00:12:03,548
Yangzi hooked the team up
with free hand massages
323
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:04,549
at the mall kiosk.
324
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:05,812
- Wha--
[groans]
325
00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:07,944
I love free hand massages
at the mall kiosk.
326
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:10,773
- Ooh, that sounds nice.
Bye, Kimberly.
327
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:12,775
Have fun
with Dunkie's friends.
328
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:13,776
- Whose side are you on?
329
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,996
- I'm not on anybody's side.
330
00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:18,825
I'm trying to support Kimberly,console you,
331
00:12:18,868 --> 00:12:21,044
and make your fatherget his toys out of the garage.
332
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,917
- Do these
look like toys to you?
333
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:26,223
- Stop acting like a child,
and go do your chore!
334
00:12:26,267 --> 00:12:29,400
- Please do not emasculate me
in front of my kids.
335
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:30,924
- [gasps]
Emasculated dads.
336
00:12:30,967 --> 00:12:32,795
That's it!
337
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:35,406
- What does masculated mean?
338
00:12:35,450 --> 00:12:36,843
- It means...
339
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,192
strong.
340
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:40,455
- Hmm.
341
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,588
- After a full day of cooking,
cleaning, and kids,
342
00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:44,981
I'm just not in the mood.
343
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:46,940
Doesn't mean I don't love her.
I'm just...
344
00:12:46,983 --> 00:12:48,158
all: Tired.
345
00:12:48,202 --> 00:12:50,813
- I come bearing
soy lattes and a proposal.
346
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:52,162
- [hisses]
- Easy, Jensen.
347
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:55,078
Let him smell you first.
348
00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:56,950
- [sniffs]
Ahh.
349
00:12:56,993 --> 00:12:57,951
- Go on.
350
00:12:57,994 --> 00:12:59,648
- I want to join your team.
351
00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:01,606
I want to be
a Stay at Gnome Dad.
352
00:13:01,650 --> 00:13:02,607
- Okay, do you have a kid?
353
00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:07,047
- None that I know of.
[laughs]
354
00:13:07,090 --> 00:13:09,397
Okay, look.
I can help you win.
355
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,615
I know their strategy.
356
00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:13,053
- Your sister
doesn't have a strategy.
357
00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:14,837
She's just a killing machine.
358
00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,926
We need something
to throw her off her game,
359
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:17,840
get in her head.
360
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:19,842
- Yeah,
we need something to whack her
361
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:22,410
in her emotional kneecap
with an emotional tire iron.
362
00:13:22,453 --> 00:13:23,498
- Can you do that, Duncan?
363
00:13:23,541 --> 00:13:24,978
- With pleazh.
364
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:26,457
[grunts]
Gotta find something
365
00:13:26,501 --> 00:13:28,416
to humiliate Kimberly
at the tournament,
366
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:30,940
then I can stop
talking to myself.
367
00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:34,901
[groans]
368
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:38,469
whoa.
369
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,694
[laughs]
370
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:47,217
- Is that an evil laugh?
371
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:49,132
- What? No.
- Hmm.
372
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:50,351
Okay.
373
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:55,530
- Welcome,
video game lovers, or vlovers.
374
00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:57,880
We're streaming live
at the big tournament.
375
00:13:57,924 --> 00:14:00,100
This is Tim from
"Game Time with Tim."
376
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,885
I'm Tim,
and it's game time!
377
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:04,017
[crowd cheering]
378
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:06,019
They started from the bottom.
Now they're here.
379
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:09,674
Team You've Got Chainmail!
380
00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:12,242
[crowd cheering]
381
00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:14,549
- I like the way
this feels on my skin.
382
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:15,985
- Aren't you wearing
a shirt under that?
383
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:17,552
- Hell no.
384
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:21,121
- Now give it up
for Stay at Gnome Dads!
385
00:14:21,164 --> 00:14:24,254
- That one
doesn't look like a dad.
386
00:14:24,298 --> 00:14:25,560
- What does a dad look like?
387
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,127
- Wait a minute.
388
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:30,782
I'd know that pre-scoliosis
hunch anywhere.
389
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:33,002
- Hello, losers.
Ready to lose?
390
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:34,569
Oh, my God.
Bex, are you naked?
391
00:14:34,612 --> 00:14:36,614
- Hell yeah.
392
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:41,358
- So after we kill Bex,
Yangzi, and Wolf,
393
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:43,970
I'll post this humiliating
photo on the big screen,
394
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:45,536
then while she's crying,
I'll kill her.
395
00:14:45,580 --> 00:14:47,016
- Beautiful.
- Nice.
396
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,278
- I love when kids cry.
397
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:49,366
- Ladies and gentlemen,
398
00:14:49,410 --> 00:14:51,151
this one
is for all the marbles,
399
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:54,067
a $50 certificate
to Dave & Buster's.
400
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:55,982
[cheers and applause]
401
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,722
Players ready,
402
00:14:57,766 --> 00:14:59,811
players set,
403
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:01,161
players...
404
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,814
capture the flag!
405
00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:04,512
- [panting]
406
00:15:04,555 --> 00:15:09,169
- [yells]
Victory or death!
407
00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:11,214
[groans]
408
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,956
- And the Barbarian is dead.
409
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,610
- [laughs]
410
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:18,091
- Avenge me!
411
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:19,092
- Sure.
412
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:22,834
- [grunting]
413
00:15:22,878 --> 00:15:26,534
- You're doing it!You're the best husband I've...
414
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:27,970
wait a minute.
This is my stuff.
415
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,059
- Crap is crap, honey.
Come on.
416
00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:31,974
This thing
was taking up a ton of room.
417
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:33,628
- You mean my wedding dress?
418
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:34,977
- You're married.
We get it.
419
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:36,196
Quit living in the past.
420
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:38,328
And what about
this creepy doll?
421
00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,069
- My great
grandmother made that.
422
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:42,202
It's a treasured
family heirloom.
423
00:15:42,245 --> 00:15:44,247
Plus,
we've tried to throw it away,
424
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:45,118
and it keeps reappearing.
425
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,336
- And these pants
from high school?
426
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:49,557
- My goal is to fit
back into them some day.
427
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,559
They're aspirational pants.
428
00:15:51,602 --> 00:15:53,778
[grunts]
429
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:55,389
[exhales]
[groans]
430
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,781
Like a glove.
431
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:58,827
- Well, then, I'm gonna wear
my Slash top hat,
432
00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:02,178
Stevie Nicks gypsy shawl,
and Bootsy Collins platforms.
433
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:05,007
- Oh, where are
you gonna wear those?
434
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,356
- Lots of places.
435
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:09,272
Hardware store, church,
to vote.
436
00:16:09,316 --> 00:16:11,057
- [grunting]
437
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,233
Okay, I cleaned out my junk.
438
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:14,843
- Fuzzy Freddy?
439
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:16,279
You can't throw him away,
440
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,151
not after what
we went through to get him.
441
00:16:18,194 --> 00:16:19,239
- It was Christmas Eve,
442
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:21,197
and he was the last one
on the shelf.
443
00:16:21,241 --> 00:16:22,416
I grabbed it when suddenly
444
00:16:22,459 --> 00:16:24,026
this guy
tries to steal it from me.
445
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:26,376
[grunts]
446
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:29,162
- So I jumped on his back,
shoved Play-Doh in his eyes...
447
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:31,599
Smush. Take it!
Eat it!
448
00:16:31,642 --> 00:16:32,904
And Christmas morning,
449
00:16:32,948 --> 00:16:34,906
you were the happiest
little girl in the world.
450
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,821
- That's my favorite
Christmas memory.
451
00:16:36,865 --> 00:16:39,302
- Mine, too.
- Well, now it's trash.
452
00:16:40,651 --> 00:16:41,913
Bye, Freddy!
453
00:16:41,957 --> 00:16:46,266
- Wait! Memories are what
a family is all about.
454
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:49,269
We're gonna keep Fuzzy Freddy
and Slash's hat.
455
00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:51,184
- And this haunted doll.
456
00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,055
It just winked at me.
You saw it, right?
457
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,057
- We are gonna keep
all of our old memories,
458
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,277
and never stop making new ones.
459
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,889
Duncan, Kimberly, get out here
and do something memorable.
460
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:03,239
- They're at
the video game tournament.
461
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:07,330
- Making a memory without us?
Not on my watch.
462
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,768
- Oh!
Die already!
463
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,296
- Both teams
have made it to the castle.
464
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:18,689
- [grunting]
465
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:21,953
I got the dads covered.
466
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:25,000
Wolf, Yangzi, kill Duncan.
467
00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:29,091
- Show your face.
468
00:17:29,135 --> 00:17:30,745
- I don't see him anywhere.
469
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:34,444
- That's because I'm wearing
my invisibility cloak.
470
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,967
Now you know
what it feels like
471
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:39,101
to be stabbed in the back
through the stomach.
472
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,189
[both groan]
473
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:41,538
- [sigh]
474
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:44,367
Prepare to die at the hands
of a 12-year-old girl.
475
00:17:45,977 --> 00:17:48,763
[dads yelling]
476
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:57,467
Just another reason for your
wives to be ashamed of you.
477
00:17:57,511 --> 00:18:00,253
- Now it's just
down to Duncan and Kimberly.
478
00:18:00,296 --> 00:18:02,690
I've never seen
anything like this
479
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:05,345
in the six-month history
of this sport.
480
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:06,911
- Time for the photo, Duncan.
481
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:09,262
Kill her reputation,
then kill her character.
482
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:10,480
- Kill.
483
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,526
- Aww.
His first word.
484
00:18:12,569 --> 00:18:14,354
- Any last words?
485
00:18:14,397 --> 00:18:16,704
- I've heard a picture
is worth a hundred of them.
486
00:18:16,747 --> 00:18:18,009
- What are you talking about?
487
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:22,144
- I took a picture
of your closet, Mrs. Wolf.
488
00:18:23,624 --> 00:18:25,582
- Please, don't!
489
00:18:25,626 --> 00:18:27,018
- Why not?
490
00:18:27,062 --> 00:18:29,151
You deserve to feel
the humiliation that I have.
491
00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:30,718
- Hi, Dunker.
Hi, Kimber.
492
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:32,023
- Hey, we're here.
493
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,590
Somebody, explain to me
what this game is.
494
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:35,505
Which one is Super Mario?
495
00:18:35,549 --> 00:18:37,246
Oops, oops, oops, sorry, sorry.- Excuse me, excuse me.
496
00:18:37,290 --> 00:18:38,291
- Coming through.
Oops, sorry, coming--
497
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:39,727
- Coming through.
Watch your toes.
498
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:41,381
[people groaning]
499
00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:43,383
- [groans]
- I thought we agreed
500
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:44,732
we don't invite them to things.
501
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:45,950
- I didn't say crap.
502
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:48,779
- Hurry, Duncan.
Humiliate your sister.
503
00:18:51,042 --> 00:18:52,174
- Okay.
- Stop, stop, stop!
504
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:55,438
- [yelling]
This is how it ends.
505
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:57,962
[crowd cheering]
506
00:18:58,006 --> 00:19:00,313
- [gasps]
[shrieks]
507
00:19:00,356 --> 00:19:01,966
[crowd whistling]
508
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:03,533
[both groaning]
509
00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:06,319
[both vocalizing]
510
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:08,408
Oh, come on,
come on, come on.
511
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:09,757
[giggles]
512
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,802
- [sighs]
I can't do it.
513
00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:13,543
We've both
been embarrassed enough.
514
00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:15,284
Someone has to end the cycle.
515
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:18,461
[audience gasps]
516
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:19,549
[laughter]
517
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,769
- Oh, that's the boy
that Kimberly likes.
518
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:23,423
- Oh, that's the hot dog
I like.
519
00:19:23,466 --> 00:19:25,033
- My life is over.
520
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,777
- Uh, actually,
that's my shrine.
521
00:19:29,820 --> 00:19:33,563
Uh, I fantasize about my sisterand my best friend making out,
522
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:34,999
and I make collages about it.
523
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,349
I ship 'em so hard.
524
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:37,350
[audience groans]
525
00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:38,568
- It's disturbing as hell,
526
00:19:38,612 --> 00:19:40,353
but I love
that he's interested in art.
527
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:43,399
- So that thing's in our house?
528
00:19:46,359 --> 00:19:49,666
- That's so sick, Duncan.
You should be committed.
529
00:19:49,710 --> 00:19:51,451
Putting me and Wolf together,
530
00:19:51,494 --> 00:19:52,626
I mean,
it's not that far-fetched,
531
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,628
but still sick.
532
00:19:54,671 --> 00:19:58,849
- Game's not over.
Kill me like a psychopath.
533
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,461
- [grunts]
- [yells]
534
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:03,506
- [panting]
535
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:07,467
- And You've Got
Chainmail wins.
536
00:20:07,510 --> 00:20:10,687
The flag is theirs.
The glory is theirs.
537
00:20:10,731 --> 00:20:12,254
The gift card is theirs.
538
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,691
This is Tim, and I have
no friends my own age.
539
00:20:14,735 --> 00:20:17,390
- Sorry for the way
we dumped you, Duncan.
540
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,043
- But 50 bucks
at Dave & Buster's,
541
00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:20,393
I mean,
you get it, right?
542
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:21,481
- No, not really.
543
00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,265
- Cool. We love you, man.
544
00:20:23,309 --> 00:20:24,266
- Aww.
545
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:26,616
- Good game.
Sorry your brother's a perv.
546
00:20:26,660 --> 00:20:29,271
- Yeah, I don't know
where he gets it from.
547
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:30,664
[hums]
548
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:32,927
- Aw, man.
I got mustard on my shawl.
549
00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:35,321
Annie, hold my pretzel.
She passed out.
550
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:39,368
Duncan, Kimberly, help me getyour mother out of these pants.
551
00:20:48,769 --> 00:20:51,554
- [gasps]
You found your wedding tux.
552
00:20:51,598 --> 00:20:54,122
You look amazing,
and so does our garage.
553
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:55,863
- I just did
a little tidying up.
554
00:20:55,906 --> 00:20:58,387
- Where did all your stuff go?
- Do you care?
555
00:20:58,431 --> 00:21:00,346
- I guess I don't.
Mmm.
556
00:21:00,389 --> 00:21:02,870
You rock.
557
00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:04,350
- Yes, I do.
558
00:21:04,393 --> 00:21:07,135
[humming]
559
00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:09,659
She bought it!
560
00:21:09,703 --> 00:21:11,661
Thanks for helping me
build that fake garage.
561
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:14,664
- Yeah,
I'm a pretty big HGTV head.
562
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:16,884
Love those Property Brothers.
563
00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:19,452
So deal's a deal.
Give me my guillotine back.
564
00:21:19,495 --> 00:21:22,672
- Before I give it back,
can you cut my head off?
565
00:21:22,716 --> 00:21:25,196
- Ha. Suit yourself.
566
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,329
- So how exactly
does this trick--
567
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:30,332
Ow...ow...my head!
568
00:21:30,376 --> 00:21:31,942
My head!
569
00:21:39,994 --> 00:21:41,604
-Yaah!-ANNOUNCER:
Welcome to the world of
Duncanville.
39851
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