Original subtitles

Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Hey! Get out of the way!

Damn road hog! Get out!

Get out of the way!

Get out!

I'll report you to the... Ow!

I'll report... Stop it! I'll report you to the police!

Morning, Lancelot. Good holiday?

- No. - Catch anything?

The only fish that came my way was an old trout in the bar and she was the wrong side of 50.

Can't have been using the right fly.

- Anyway it's nice to see you back again. - Liar.

Don't forget the ceremony. Ten o'clock.

What's that?

Get... Get out of the way!

Damn and blast!

Morning.

Shift that dog's-meat wagon of yours. I want to get out.

You'll have to wait for us now. We've got a casualty here.

Hello. - Are you all right?

Yes, thank you.

I'm terribly sorry to cause all this trouble.

Don't worry. We'll look after you.

Are you all doctors?

Oh, yes, yes.

Come on. All right, come on. Steady with her.

Don't worry. We'll look after you.

D Avey please D Avey.

Morning, Matron.

Lady Willoughby won't like it. She won't like it at all.

After all, the old boy did raise most of the money.

Morning, Matron.

Sir Lancelot. I hope you enjoyed your holiday.

Not in the least. Don't ask if I caught any fish.

- Sorry I'm late. Good holiday? Caught any fish? - No!

But you have caught your trousers. I'll get a stitch put in.

You'll do no such thing. The only person who does decent stitching here is myself.

- It's ten o'clock. - I'm aware of that. What's new in the wards?

- But you can't do your round now, Sir Lancelot. - And why not?

The ceremony, sir. I've got some notes on the procedure.

Good grief, boy, I don't need any notes.

This is a foundation stone, not a gallstone.

That's good. That's very good.

It's wonderful.

- Do those belong to that casualty in there? - Yes, sir.

I'll take them in.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I'm Dr. Sparrow.

I must have done something dreadful. You're the fifth.

No, I'm the first. These aren't really doctors at all.

Oh, aren't they? What a shame.

Lots of learning to do, eh, Gillibrand?

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

But it's my ankle that hurts, Doctor.

I can't hear a thing with these on. What did you say?

It's only my ankle.

Erm... Why are you doing this?

Er...

Why am I doing this, Gillibrand?

- Practice, sir? - Thoroughness, Gillibrand! Thoroughness!

One obvious injury doesn't mean to say there isn't another.

You have to test for everything: Lungs, heart, spine...

and all the other organs.

But apart from my ankle, I feel perfect.

Oh, but you are. Quite perfect.

Now, you all go and have a look at the X-ray screen and see what you can find.

Is there something broken?

No, no. A minor sprain. No harm done.

There was to the car. I think it's a write-off.

Where were you going? London?

Yes.

It isn't going to show, is it? I have to be so careful about legs in my job.

W- W-What do you do?

A dancer?

- Model. - Oh.

What treatment are you going to give me?

Bandage it and elevate the leg for a few hours.

By this evening, you should be fit for anything.

Er... W-Would you like me to drive you up to London?

- Would you really? - It's my night off.

Oh, that's marvelous! What a fabulous coincidence!

Well, now, what's the matter with you?

They say I've slipped a disc.

They'd have said you had sciatica when I was a boy. How did you do it?

- Jumping. - Over a gate?

Out of a window.

Oh. I suppose the husband came in through the front door.

Certainly not! There was a fire!

Aha. Well gentlemen.

The patient complains of a slipped disc.

What treatment would you prescribe? You.

Bed rest... followed by traction...

...followed by a spinal support... followed by physiotherapy.

Followed by no improvement at all.

Physiotherapy! Palliative poppycock! When do you take your finals, boy?

h six week s, sir.

You'll be taking them again in six months

- if you talk drivel like that. - But in a mild case...

Rubbish!

There's only one thing for him. The knife!

Oh, don't worry. I'll fit you in somewhere. Good morning to you.

Now, what have we here?

Colectomy you performed before you went away.

Ah, let's have a look. Take your paws away! We aren't playing animal grab!

Beautiful. Had to change knives midstream with you, you know.

Look at this, gentlemen.

A perfect cut.

How are you feeling?

Ever so tired.

So was I after I'd stuffed all that lot back inside you.

It was like trying to coil a fire hose into an overnight bag. Good morning.

I remember when I was in the Navy.

For intestinal obstruction, we didn't pray for dry weather.

We didn't pray for wet, we just prayed for wind.

- What are you doing here, Simon? - Reminding you of a ceremony, sir.

And of a very old, old joke.

All right, I'm coming.

Stuart... Don't let him worry you too much.

He once threw the whole book at me.

I survived.

Ah, Simon. I wish you'd be so kind as to park your perambulating sardine can

- in the proper space reserved for it. - I couldn't get out of my car.

Sorry, I was a bit pushed this morning. Good morning, Nurse.

Good morning, Dr. Sparrow.

- Rather nice-looking. - Why do your activities

centre around the female sex?

- Because I find them attractive. - Attractive?

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

Doctors have got no right to be attracted. It clouds the brain and unsteadies the hand.

Well, it's never happened to me.

And I take my job as seriously as the next man, let me tell you.

- Thank you, Dr. Sparrow. - You're welcome.

Revolting.

You might find it rejuvenating.

- Morning, Clive. Morning, Johnny. - Morning.

Morning, Lady Willoughby.

Before you proceed, Sir Lancelot, I wish to register a formal complaint.

What's the matter? That colporrhaphy I did for you not keeping out the rain?

- Really! - Delighted to hear it.

Can't afford a leak at your age.

Ladies and gentlemen, I now declare this stone well and truly...

- Who perpetrated this monstrosity? Is something wrong sir?

My name is Spratt, with an S!

S for spleen!

P for prostate! R for rump!

A for a... poplexy!

And two Ts for two...

Who contrived this disgusting insult?

Sir Lancelot, we'll speak to the master mason and he'll alter it, I promise you.

If he doesn't, I'll alter him, I promise you

Ladies and gentlemen...

with the minimum of confidence, I declare this stone well and truly laid.

Speech.

Ladies and gentlemen. Although work on our new wing has already begun,

a substantial amount of money is still needed.

It is up to you to find it.

Doubtless if I apply pressure in the right quarter...

- Watch it! - Aaah!

All right, Nobby! Get the crane over!

I'm going to sue those ruddy contractors until they haven't got a fly button to call their own.

Go easy, you dopes! I'm in mortal agony!

- Shall I send for morphia, Doctor? - Send for a bottle of brandy.

You'll have hot, sweet tea and like it.

But, Simon, I'm feeling faint. I can hardly speak.

Watch it, you clots! I'm not a corpse yet!

I've never had a slipped disc in my life.

- News for you, you've got one. - What are you going to do about it?

I seem to remember in cases like this you'd recommend the knife.

Nonsense! Nobody's sticking a knife in my back!

Though most of my colleagues have being trying to for years.

- You're going to be stuck here for a while. - What? h this tumbledown lazar house?

- Stop this contraption! - Sir Lancelot, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get out while I've still got the strength.

Thank you.

Oh, it's sweet of you to drive me up.

Is this service always included in your treatment, Doctor?

This is not treatment. And I am not your doctor.

- You belong to the hospital. Doesn't she? - Oh, yes, yes.

Shirts, skirts, bras, pants.

Advertising's such a bore, really.

I want to give it all up and get into movies.

- What, you mean be a film star? - Mm.

- Eugh! - Well, not immediately, of course.

I might be able to help you there, you know.

Because I know quite a lot of film people.

- Professionally, I mean. - Do you?

Mm.

You know, Simon, I'm beginning to think you could be rather a fabulous sort of person.

- Thank you again for bringing me down. - Oh, not at all. I'll see you up.

Oh, no, I can manage.

Oh, I think that ankle needs a little support.

Doctor?

No, friend.

All right. Oh, can you get my bag? It's in the back somewhere.

Bag, bag... Oh, yes...

Oh, Lord!

What's the matter?

That's a police car.

So? They can't arrest us. We're not burglars. We're just sitting.

You don't have to be burglars these days. You just have to sit.

Good evening, Officer. I was, er...

Just finding this young lady's handbag.

Uh-huh. Are you a doctor, sir?

Yes, I am.

But even... er, doctors are human.

Mm-hm. I wonder if you'd care to come with me, sir.

- Er, yes, I would, but I-I have explained to you... - There's an old lady passed out

on the pavement just down the street, sir.

We spotted the label on your windscreen.

Er, we have got the right bag, have we, sir?

No, we haven't.

When am I going to see you again?

23B.

Good morning.

Who are you?

I'm the physiotherapist.

I did not order one.

Yes, but the doctor did.

I do not require physiotherapy.

I said I do not require physiotherapy!

Yes, Sir Lancelot, I heard you. And so, I imagine, did the rest of the block.

Now, tell me. Are you in pain?

Of course I'm in pain! I've got a slipped disc!

I saw the X-rays but it's nothing much. We'll soon get you better.

- Don't do that! - What have you got there?

Madam?

I can scarcely give you treatment through two layers of blanket, can I?

You're not going to give me any treatment - and don't shake my bottle of wine.

Where are you going?

Well, there are other patients who need me, you know, Sir Lancelot.

Come here. I wish to discuss my case with you.

There's a slight narrowing of your L5-S1 disc space.

You've made progress with traction and bed rest.

Now you need massage and physiotherapy.

- Right? - I was going to do the talking, madam.

And so you shall, Sir Lancelot. Now, turn over, will you?

I refuse.

- Ow! - It's three and a half guineas for half an hour.

You're private.

I don't appear to be.

Now, roll over, hm?

Oh, very well. Oh...

There we are.

That's it. Now put your arms by your side.

- What are you doing? - I'm pulling down your pajamas.

Don't worry, I've lived.

- Oh! - That it?

- Yes. - Right.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Don't let me interrupt the flow, Sir Lancelot.

Mmm...

What's your name?

Iris Marchant.

Mmm...

- Stuart? - Yes, sir?

There's a patient in for investigation. I'd like you to have a look at her.

Me? Why me?

- Because I'd like your opinion, that's why. - Thank you, sir.

Here's the letter from her doctor. It's not very cheerful.

Give her all the attention you can and be gentle. She's very frightened.

Her husband's apparently more worried about his pigeon loft than her. You know the type.

So you haven't really felt any pain at all, Mrs. Parry.

No, that's right. I can't say that I have.

Wait a minute, though. Yes, I did feel a pain once.

When?

On a Sunday, it was. After chapel.

Where?

I remember now. It was in the kitchen.

No, I mean what part of you? Your chest, your stomach, your head?

Oh, it...

Come here.

Course my husband didn't really mean to.

He was only being playful, you understand.

L- I don't think we're getting very far, are we?

Aren't we? I thought we were getting on swimming, like.

You're a lovely little doctor, aren't you?

Here, go on. You finish these.

I only like the red ones.

There you are, my dear.

Got your tea? Made you comfortable?

- Yes, thank you, Doctor. - Good.

Mrs. Whittaker, this is Mr. Stuart.

- He's a colleague of mine. - How do you do?

He'll help me find out what the trouble is and keep an eye on you.

- All right? - Thank you.

Good. Well, I'll leave you two to get to know each other.

- Erm, I'll speak to you later. - Yes.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

- Good afternoon, gentlemen. Good afternoon, sir.

You'll be glad to hear Sir Lancelot is making excellent progress.

However...

It'll be some time before he's fully recovered so... until then, you'll have to put up with me.

And I want no questions about the bleeding time from you.

Where's this case we thought might exercise these intellects?

- Over here, Doctor. - Who's the dresser on the case?

- I am, sir. - Oh. Everything teed up, Gillibrand?

Now, a nice, clear, concise history.

Symptoms, signs, diagnosis, prognosis and treatment.

Er, this is Mrs. Parry, sir.

She's a housewife. Er... 42... and she's had ten children.

Nine.

- You said ten. - Did I?

Perhaps it is ten, then. Let's see. There's Blodwen and Owen...

Never mind, Mrs. Parry. You work it out for yourself and we'll continue. Carry on.

Well, there's no history of previous illness, sir.

- Any operations? - Er none.

I've had ten.

- You said none. - No ten.

I was forgetting little Caradog. I had him two years ago.

That reminds me, I haven't seen him about lately.

Carry on.

Er...

Well, the patient complains of periodic swelling of the abdomen, sir.

Apart from her pregnancy?

Well... Yes, sir.

Any other symptoms?

Er, only swelling.

And wind, sir.

Now even with these

meager details which Mr. Gillibrand has managed to elicit,

we should be able to manage one first tentative diagnosis.

Anyone?

Chronic cholecystitis.

Why?

Er... w-w-well, the patient, sir.

She satisfies the six Fs of gall bladder disease.

Yeah, you're right.

Now, each of you give me F. One F each.

- Fair. - Fat.

- Fertile. - Female.

Forty.

Come on, Gillibrand!

I think they've given it to you!

Fair, fat, female, fertile, forty... F.

Fff...

Flat?

Me? Flat?

Flatulence, you cretin!

Yes, sir.

Now for the examination.

What are we looking for?

- Fluid in the peritoneum? - How do we test for it?

Put one hand on one side, flick the other and see if you can feel the vibration.

And if we feel it, what do we call it?

Er, a fluid thrill.

Right. Now, Miss er...

Wick.

Would you like to try for a fluid thrill, Miss Wick?

Ooh! Cold!

Er, did you feel a thrill?

No.

No, I didn't think you would, somehow.

Now we should listen for borborygmy, which is?

It's the sounds made by gas in the intestine when there is hypermotility, sir.

Great.

Can you hear any?

Ooh, there's a red one! Fancy that!

I thought I'd had the last of those.

Right, gentlemen, you come round here, you three.

Mrs. Parry...

Do you keep your bowels open regularly?

Regular as clockwork.

Every fortnight.

What do you take for constipation? Castor oil or cascara?

Oh, nothing like that.

I just take my knitting.

- Simon. - Mm?

I think you are absolutely fabulous.

Good. Why?

Because if you hadn't known someone...

...who knew someone... ... who told someone about me,

we wouldn't be on our way to meet Mr. Luther Heilbronn.

Don't be depressed. We've got a date later.

- I wonder what he's like. - Successful, unscrupulous, predatory...

- Dreamy. ... middle-aged, overweight,

- bald-headed and potbellied. - You haven't met him!

I've no intention of meeting anyone who makes a film called The Sorrows Of Salome.

It's going to be a fabulous film. Enormous great big epic, all in Rome.

Salome never got within a thousand miles of Rome.

Well, she does in the film. So shall I, if I'm one of her handmaidens.

What precisely does a handmaiden do?

Hand things, I suppose.

Yes, I suppose.

- Who is playing Salome? - Genevieve Milton.

She was unknown a few years ago, just like me. Now she's very big.

- That's apparent. - Mr. Heilbronn discovered her in a coffee bar.

I'd have thought it was a dairy.

But Mr. Heilbronn is getting worse every minute.

Yeah.

He's practically speechless.

Well, where's the hotel doctor?

Tell them to send out for one.

- Send out for one. - Tell 'em...

Who? Harry...

There's some dame down at the desk said you asked her to come up and see you.

Tell her I'll call her tomorrow.

Or next week. OK, sometime never, what the hell? Tell her...

Tell her "what the hell".

I'm afraid Mr. Heilbronn can't see you after all.

- What? - Come along, Delia.

These theatricals are very unreliable. Come on.

No, no, no! That's absolutely impossible!

- Mr. Heilbronn said... - He can't say anything. He's lost his voice.

And I've lost the hotel doctor.

- You want a doctor for Mr. Heilbronn? - Yes, madam.

I've got one.

You can't strip off here!

- What are you up to? - I've got you a job!

Why don't you let me do the talking tonight, Harry?

Because the TV millions don't want to hear you talk, baby.

- It's an interview, isn't it? - Yeah.

Why shouldn't I talk? I can

You're strictly for the eye, honey.

It's the doctor.

- Dr. Robin? - Sparrow.

- Thank you. - Now, Doctor, I've got this condition...

- Yes... - Good evening, Mr. Heilbronn.

Oh, this is Miss... Er, my nurse.

- Come in. Sit down, Nurse. - Mr. Heilbronn, I've been...

Sit down, Nurse.

Now, Mr. Heilbronn, I understand we're having trouble with our voice.

I don't know about you, but mine you've gotta fix.

- There's lots of dollars hanging on my interview. - We'll see they drop in the right place.

Would you mind opening your mouth for me? Wide.

Wider. That's it.

I owe everything I am to Mr. Heilbronn.

He found me...

...he molded me, he made me...

...into a kind of symbol.

I hope your television viewers won't be disappointed

when you see it exposed in my new film.

Exposed?

Well, Mr. Heilbronn, your larynx, your throat and your vocal cords are as sound as a bell.

Then why the hell don't it ring?

Have you had a recent... emotional upset? A sudden shock?

I don't have shock s - I give 'em.

Imagine that.

- Can I use your telephone? - Help yourself.

Mr. Heilbronn, I hear you've been casting a new film. The Sorrows Of Salome?

Welbeck 2434.

I wondered if you decided who'll play Salome.

Salome I've got.

I'm still looking for a John The Baptist.

Forty actors I've seen - not a Baptist among them.

- Do you know of a John the Baptist, Nurse? - Well, no, but...

But I've got a marvelous suggestion for...

Medical counter, please.

- Mr. Heilbonn. - Shh!

It's him.

It's him.

Spirituality in the eyes. Serenity...

I said medical counter!

Honey! Come in here! We got him! We got him!

What have we got, honey?

Oh he's cute!

- Who is he? - Who is he? He's John the Baptist,

that's who he is.

You've found your voice again, Mr. Heilbronn.

I've not only found my voice, I've found you.

I'm going to take you... I'm going to mould you...

- I told you they were unreliable. - I'll make you the biggest, the greatest,

the superb-est symbol!

- Delia, out. - John... Where are you going?

- Simon, there's no hurry. - Are you kidding?

Mr. Heilbronn, you keep your voice and I'll keep my head.

But, John!

John!

A beautiful ward, Sister. My congratulations.

Thank you, Sir Lancelot.

Oh, er... Matron.

You're looking a little tired, my dear.

- Am I? - Mustn't overdo things, you know.

- Good morning, Sir Lancelot. - Good morning.

It's nice to see you in harness again.

Thank you. Although, of course, my thanks should go

- to Miss Marchant. - How is your back?

Not a twinge. And yourself?

Oh, very well, thank you.

Oh, splendid.

I'm afraid I have to visit another one of my patients.

Of course, of course. I am so sorry.

Charming girl.

Look out. Here he comes.

Well, Mr. Lewis.

How are we this morning?

- Mustn't grumble, sir. - You hear that, gentlemen? "Mustn't grumble. "

And after all he's been through.

He's the sort of patient that makes a surgeon's life really worthwhile.

You'll come to understand that shortly, Stuart.

Yes, sir.

You're cured, Mr. Lewis.

But you needn't hurry. You can stay as long as you like.

We're here to do what we can for you.

- Aren't we, Sister? - Naturally, Sir Lancelot.

Goodbye, Mr. Lewis. And good luck to you.

'Ere, what's come over him? He used to swear at 'em all like blue murder!

There's something wrong.

And I don't like it.

Nor do I.

Makes me feel rotten.

Melody in F

Here's the doctor to see you, Sir Lancelot.

Morning, Lancelot.

Go away. I didn't send for anybody.

Now, then, what's all this about the Lady Macbeth routine?

- I don't know what you're talking about. - Mrs. Clapper says that you are sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking? Hollyhock s!

Eh? Sleepwalking? Me?

- That could be dangerous. - It could be damaging.

You don't mean to tell me that I've...

I've been wandering around without any...

No, no. No. Just around the house, apparently. That's all.

Thank God for that.

I don't mind admitting, now you're here, Simon, that er... I'm not myself. Not at all myself.

Well, let's have a look. Come on. How long's it been going on for?

Well, ever since I left that blasted hospital.

I'm sure I was poisoned. The food there's not fit to manure rose beds.

Have you taken any measures yourself?

The usual ones. Purging, inhalation, sweating...

All quite useless.

What's that?

Garlic.

Rub you round a bowl, you'd make a great salad.

You know...

You're quite wrong to despise these old folk remedies.

I've got a maiden aunt who swears by garlic.

Never without a bit next to the skin.

I'm convinced that's why she's lived to be 92.

Perhaps that's why she's still a maiden at 92.

Ooh.

- Heart all right? - Mm?

- Heart all right? - Say, "One, one, one. "

One, one, one.

- Now louder. - One, one, one!

Very interesting.

Have you found anything?

Had any pins and needles, dizziness, headaches? Waterworks all right?

Er... Yes... no... no... yes.

Ooh!

- Have you made a diagnosis? - I don't know yet.

See what your exercise tolerance is like. Come on. Up you get. Come and stand on this.

Get up.

Up again.

Now do that 30 times while I go and borrow something from Mrs. Clapper.

- 30 times? Do you want to kill me, Simon? - Yes.

Oh, no...

Oh, no.

Three...

Four...

Mrs. Clappe?

- Yes, Doctor? - Have you got a pin or a needle I could borrow?

Did you have to cut him?

No, no. I just want something for a test. Anything sharp will do.

Let me see...

Would you like this?

I think he'd love it.

Ooh!

Good grief! What are you going to do with that?

Sensation test. Shut your eyes and you won't notice.

Not on your nelly and not on mine either!

All right. We'll come back to it. Let's see about your blood pressure.

I feel a little faint.

- I think I'll have a glass of brandy. - In a minute.

You know, Lancelot, your heart is as sound as a bell.

It is?

Yes.

Your lungs are as clean as a whistle.

They are?

And your blood pressure...

Absolutely normal.

So the whole thing must be psychosomatic or emotional.

But, Simon, I've never been called emotional before.

Perhaps you've never been in love before.

Get out of my house, you miserable, bat-eared quack!

Well, that's my diagnosis.

Take it or leave it. And my prescription is...

a good dinner, a bottle of wine...

and press your suit on you know who.

Is it serious, Doctor?

Yes, it's serious, Mrs. Clapper. But don't worry. It'll take its course.

Will he be going to bed?

That depends on the physiotherapist.

Stop! No, no! Don't stop! Aaah!

Tell me when I'm causing distress, Major.

Distress?! Distress?!

You're marvelous with that thing!

Actually, you're pretty marvelous altogether!

- Yes, Major. - Oh, look here...

...drop the handle.

Tommy's the old moniker.

Or Tiger. They used to call me Tiger French in Malaya.

Oh, really? And why was that?

Well, out on my first jungle patrol, I stalked a Chinese commie the whole day.

Got him in the end. Turned out to be a tiger!

Well, I mean, you can't live a thing like that down, can you?

So when I was posted I decided to live up to it.

Fearless type, you know. That's why I grew a beard.

Doesn't work, does it?

Oh, I don't know. I'm rather partial to beards.

Are you, now? I say, that is interesting.

But it would be much more interesting for...

for both of us if I could get these old pins walking again.

Mm, yes, well, that's why we're here, isn't it?

Well, there's not much chance of that, I'm afraid.

Oh, though I'd be prepared to stake a packet for this.

If anybody could do the trick, you could, Marchant, old girl!

Iris is the moniker.

Ooh, Iris! Aaah! Iris!

Hang on to that, will you?

Don't run away.

Run away? That'll be the day!

Hello? Yes?

Oh, Sir Lancelot.

Oh... Well, I'm afraid my evenings are rather booked up for some time.

Yes.

Well bless you. It was a very sweet thought.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Ugh! Muck!

Ah, tea.

Hog swill.

- No sugar? - Ugh!

Typical. The whole place is going to the dogs.

Mass incompetence and inefficiency in every department.

- Including Physiotherapy? - Especially Physiotherapy.

Aha.

So she said no, eh?

She turned me down, Simon, as if I'd been a first-year student.

Well, perhaps you are in this particular field.

It takes practice to know how to handle ladies.

I've been in practice for years and I've handled thousands of ladies.

You've handled ladies, surgically speaking.

You know all about their lights, their lungs and their livers.

But do you know anything at all about their hearts?

No.

There you are. That's what I mean, you see.

Well, what do you suggest?

Well... coax her.

Encourage her. Be kind, be gentle.

She knows you mainly as a surgeon.

Let her discover that you're a man of many parts.

Show her my... butterfly collection?

No.

No, if possible, I think you should do something.

Do something you're good at.

Like fishing.

You can't take her out fishing after dinner.

Well, I could play the piano.

Random gems from The Student Prince?

I was thinking more of the 48 Preludes and Fugues of Bach, which I play rather well.

I don't think she'd sit through 48, do you?

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Look, aren't you... aren't you good at some kind of... some kind of a game?

I think I've got the very thing.

Now, my dear...

you must be very careful not to cut the cloth. It's very expensive.

And, er... don't wave your cue about.

Now, the thing to do is to strike the white ball so that it knock s that red one in the pocket.

Like that?

Yes.

That's what we call a fluke.

Now... You now have to pot one of the colored balls.

It doesn't really matter which, but I think the blue is the prettiest.

Like your eyes.

Like that?

Have you played this game before?

Yes, I have.

But I'm terribly out of practice.

- This calls for brandy. - Not for me.

But for me.

Your ball.

Thank you.

Try this, Sir Lancelot.

Thank you, my dear.

Tell me... Do you think you could be a little less formal?

Oh, I see. Well, erm...

What would you like me to call you?

Just plain Lancelot or have you got some sort of a nickname?

I have, but it hasn't been used since I was at school.

May I share the secret?

Well, it's... Porker.

Yes, well, little boys can be very unkind.

And observant, too.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Melody in F

That's sentimental rubbish! I can't bear it!

Your unconscious doesn't seem to agree with you.

Well, what do you expect?

That woman beats me at snooker and then tells me I'm too fat.

- Well, you are too fat. Look at you. - Fat I am not

- I am generously proportioned. - You've got to lose weight to make progress.

Who was it said the commonest instruments of suicide are a knife and fork?

Very well. But I'm not going to nibble grapefruit like an anemic rabbit.

I could easily arrange for you to lose a few pounds. I know a bloke that runs a place.

Look, why don't you let me call him?

Wretched woman.

Oh, very well! Fix it!

Yes? Yes, well, Dr. Blacker should be back any minute.

Oh look here he is now. Er can you hang on a sec?

It's Dr. Sparrow.

Hello, Simon. What can I do for you?

Oh, Spratt the surgeon, eh?

Yes. But don't stand any nonsense from him.

I want you to give him the work s. The full treatment.

Tomorrow? Splendid.

Yes, I'll look in after he's been with you a few days. Good.

How's business? Pretty brisk?

Oh, mustn't grumble.

Got my hands pretty full as usual, you know.

Yeah, well, goodbye, now.

Anyone in charge of this dosshouse?

Ah.

My name is Spratt and I've come to lose some of this.

- Oh, yes, Sir Lancelot. We were expecting you. - I should hope so.

Kindly see that my baggage is brought in and that the crate with the bottles is not shaken.

Bottles?

Lafitte, '3.

And I don't want it ruined.

A superb year.

- How lucky you are. - Dr. Blacker, this is Sir Lancelot Spratt.

- Oh, how do you do? - How do you do?

I run this little purgatory here.

h that case you will kindly see that my wine is not disturbed.

- It won't be. Not even by you. - What?!

Er, Miss Minton, see that Sir Lancelot's wine is put in the strongroom, will you?

Perhaps, Sir Lancelot, you'd like me

- to show you round the place? - Very well.

Spratt. That's the surgeon, isn't it?

Yes, it must be.

I shall enjoy talking to him. I've been under the knife... many times.

Sorry you have to share a room but we're very busy.

The lavage room is like Ascot on Gold Cup day.

- Indeed. - Excuse me, sir.

Your companion is very delightful. Mr. Bradby. Have you heard of him?

I did an oophorectomy on a Bradby some time ago.

Well, perhaps he came on here.

Hardly likely. He went straight to the London Acropolis.

Oh, poor chap. This Bradby's an author. Very popular.

Ah, Nurse. Nurse Bossom will see that you get settled in all right.

I shall be seeing you later.

This way, Sir Lancelot.

Though somewhat off the beaten track.

Mr. Bradby, this is Sir Lancelot Spratt, your roommate.

Snap.

- A wireless. I don't think I'm going to like that. - No, no, a tape recorder.

I dictate a certain amount for my book s, you know.

I hope it won't disturb you.

I share your hope.

You just get into bed, Sir Lancelot.

And what good would that do me? I can't take any exercise in bed.

Perhaps we could manage something.

I doubt it.

I mean, you could wiggle your toes.

If I wanted to lose weight from my feet, woman, I could cut my toenails, damn it!

Now, after me, girls.

And... one-two, one-two, one-two, one-two...

I hope you'll like it here... Oh, excuse me.

That's right.

We try to make everything friendly.

Good afternoon, Miss Steele.

What have you lost since yesterday?

Very friendly girl.

That's right. Keep it swinging.

One-two one-two.

Please sit down.

- What's your age, Sir Lancelot? - No comment.

Over 50. Now, why do you want to lose weight?

Why? Because I propose to ride a Derby winner.

You're not being very cooperative. I'm only trying to help.

You'd help a great deal more if you were to cut out all this guff and give me my luncheon.

Oh, we've got a lot of ground to cover before your luncheon.

It really is a pleasure to meet you Sir Lancelot.

I wonder if you know my surgeon, Mr. Lucas.

I do indeed. An incompetent.

Well, as I was saying, one day - it was in last June, to be precise... the 13th -

I was seized with a great attack of pain and vomiting.

So I called my doctor at once.

Hey somebody! Let me out of here!

Ah, Sir Lancelot. You wanted something?

Yes, let me out of here. I'm either being boiled alive or bored to death!

Your time's not up yet, I'm afraid.

Another 20 minutes. Just relax.

Enjoy yourself.

And 36...

and 37...

and 38...

and 39...

and 40...

- and 41... - What are you going on for? I stop at 40.

We're stepping you up a bit. Doctor's instructions.

- Not for me. - Now, now sir.

We want to get our waistline down, don't we?

Perhaps if we don't, there's someone who'd like us to.

Tell me... What did you do before you got into this racket?

Run a torture chamber somewhere?

Me, sir? No, sir. Army, sir. Judo instructor. Black belt.

Ah. Judo. I must remember that.

Now, sir. No slacking. Put your back into it.

And 45... and 46...

and... Now, steady, sir.

Doctor's orders. Oi!

A Japanese patient once paid me in kind.

Good afternoon to you.

Cor blimey!

The first course was a lobster bisque, served hot...

with a dish of local whipped cream on the side.

Am I disturbing you?

Indeed, no. I am most interested.

This was followed by a plain roast saddle of English lamb,

cooked with rosemary for not too long in a charcoal oven.

Excellent. Just the way I like it myself.

It's a place I've recommended in every issue of my book.

- Did you enjoy it, sir? - No, kindly bring the next course.

Sorry, sir, but there isn't a next course.

The cellar in this hotel is remarkably well stocked.

I like particularly the anger of Niersteiner,

and chose a very cooling 1959 at a moderate price.

- One of you gentlemen rang? - I want a drink. Bring me the list.

List, sir? We haven't one.

Would you like barley water, soda water or water?

Get out!

Am I disturbing you?

- I am going for a walk. - A walk?

Got you!

Got who?

Who are you looking at?

- I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. - Well, you've made a mistake, haven't you?

Er, y-yes, I have.

Caught you, red-handed.

I thought it was you.

- I'm not speaking to you. - Naughty, naughty, Sir Lancelot.

That's no way to talk to you doctor.

- Did you hear that? - What?

Sir Lancelot. He reckons he's one of them Knights of the Round Table.

No, he's one of them nutters that's got loose, isn't he?

Yeah. Come on. They can turn dead vicious, you know.

Come on!

Surely she's worth a little self-discipline, a bit of discomfort.

I'm sure the clinic's treating you very well.

They're treating me like a convict.

They've taken my clothes away.

I had to bribe the gardener to get a mackintosh and cap or I wouldn't have slipped out at all.

You shouldn't have slipped out at all. What's the point of a diet if you cheat?

Come off it, Simon. I only came in here for a cup of lemon tea.

Yeah. Well that shouldn't hurt you.

Now buzz off and leave me alone.

Treble baked beans, treble fried bread, treble egg and treble chips. Anything else?

How about treble spotted dick, just for afters?

Comes from a starvation hole, does he? We get a lot of them in here.

Well, he's a big fella. What's the matter with a big blowout?

If he gets through that, he'll blow up.

Goodbye, Mrs. Parry. You shouldn't have any more trouble

providing you stick to that diet sheet.

Don't you worry yourself, Doctor. I'm going to read it when I've got time.

We try.

Well... so long, Mrs. Brown.

- Goodbye. - Keep smiling, now.

- Hello, Stuart. - Good morning, sir.

Here's the path report on Mrs. Whittaker.

We shall have to operate, shan't we?

Yes.

She was expecting to go home.

Break it to her gently, will you?

- Me? - You're responsible for her, aren't you?

I've never had to tell anyone.

That's part of the job.

Telling people unpleasant truths.

Easy does it.

That's it.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Johnson. - Goodbye.

Glad to see you running about again.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Whittaker! I thought you were flitting today, same as me.

I was, but they want me to have an operation.

Do they, now? Oh, you'll love it!

I did. It's even better than on the telly!

- Now, good luck. - Thank you.

Now, Mrs. Parry, time you were off. Are you ready?

Yes, I'm ready now, Sister. I think I've said goodbye to everyone.

Ooh, I was forgetting Mrs. Roberts!

Fancy forgetting you!

It is Mrs. Roberts, isn't it?

I thought so. Goodbye, then.

You're looking better.

Goodbye, all! Take care of yourselves!

Now, here's a model you might find attractive, sir.

A Waterloo Wasper.

Eugh!

No, no, no... I see what you mean, sir. I see what you mean.

Now, I wonder if this one might appeal to you, sir. This one is the Harrogate Hourglass.

No.

No, you're absolutely right, sir, of course. It's not you.

Er... Ah, now, what about this one?

What the devil do you call that?

Well, you've guessed it, sir. Diablo. Now, isn't it heaven?

- Is it hell! - Try it on, sir.

Just for size.

There we are.

That's it. Comfy?

Oh, dreamy! Dreamy, Sir Lancelot! With that you're definitely with it.

- What do you mean I'm "with it"? - You're not with it without it.

Spratt.

Oh, good morning, Iris, dear. How are you?

Was the conference interesting?

You can't expect it to have been an exciting procedure.

- Thanks. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Erm... Yes, Lancelot, I got your note but I'm afraid I won't be able to make Wednesday.

No, not Thursday either, I'm afraid.

Well, you see, my London practice is getting very busy now.

Yes.

Well, thank you for thinking of me, anyway.

All right. Look, Lancelot, I've got to go. I've got a patient waiting for me.

All right. Bye.

- Hello. - Hello, Tommy. Sorry to have kept you waiting.

That's all right.

- How are we feeling today? Better? - Oh, today, tomorrow, this week, next week...

- I shall always feel the same way about you. - Oh, don't start all that again.

I can't help it, old girl. You've knocked me for six.

Oh, I thought I was just getting you up on your feet again.

Not much chance of that, I'm afraid. But I'll tell you this, if I were back on my feet,

that fellow who keeps ringing you wouldn't stand a ghost of a chance.

Oh. Eavesdropping, eh?

Well, why not? All's fair, etc.

Oh, listen, Iris.

You could do worse, you know.

I mean, there's the old gratuity. And a nice property with a few acres of rough pasture

and a couple of chestnuts for you to exercise.

Oh, I can see it all.

You, whooshing up the drive in the old Aston Martin after a hard day in the hospital, hm?

- What would you be doing? - Sitting on the terrace with the odd noggin.

The old double-barreled over my knee - waiting to take a pot at a stray wood pigeon.

Honestly, Tommy! You're a hopeless case!

Yes, I know.

Oh, no, I didn't mean that.

No, nor did I. Just a hopeless case of love, hm?

Tommy...

Yes?

Now, we've got to stop this.

You must concentrate on your treatment.

I haven't got much choice, have I?

What are you gawping at?

Well, it's fantastic.

I've never seen such wonderful results... from dieting.

Not everybody has the discipline or self-control, you know.

That's true.

Now that you've started, you must keep it up.

What do you think I'm doing?

I mean, it'd be a pity, wouldn't it? A terrible pity if you had a sort of sudden...

...relapse.

Er, before Iris sees you.

I don't understand the woman.

She's turned down two invitations to dinner...

...and muttered something about having to go to London to look after her patients.

- What, at night? - So she says. What's the matter with her?

Well, she could be being discreet.

Oh, you mean she's got a man up there? A lover?

No, I didn't say that.

It's impossible! Good God - she's got me!

Not quite, I gather.

You're quite right, Simon.

- I shall have to do something. - Get cracking.

What's that? Indigestion?

No, it's only a twinge from my old rupture.

I think I'd better have a look at you.

- Take off your coat. - No, it's all right.

This is very serious. These old lesions can blow up.

Simon, I can promise you it's all right.

Now, it's very kind of you to come. Thank you very much indeed. I'm most grateful.

You're quite sure? I shall leave you.

All right, well, you know where to get me if you need me. I mean...

should something explode.

Hampden Cross? Do you happen to know the name of a detective agency?

You don't. Well, give me directory enquiries, please.

A man.

Excuse me, sir, but what would you like for lunch?

- A man. - Yes, sir.

I'll have his head on a platter.

Very good, sir. And I'll do a little braised celery to...

What did you say, sir?

I said...

Melody in F

Put your weapon away, Sir Lancelot.

I want a full report on where the lady goes,

what she does and whom she meets, understand?

You can rely on us, Sir Lancelot.

And I don't want anybody else to know about it.

We're the soul of discretion, sir. Ooh...

Do... do you mind if I sit down a moment, sir?

What's the matter, man?

Have you got an inflamed appendix?

If you do a good job, I'll whip it out for you at a discount.

It's nothing, sir. Just a little indigestion. Comes and goes.

Rather like the lady in question, I gather!

You'll be gathering a fractured coccyx if you don't mind your manners.

Oh.

What's up, guv? Come and sit down over here.

- What's that? - The emergency appendix, sir. Simon's doing it.

Hm.

I think I may as well wander along to the theatre.

Take my mind off things.

Morning, Mr. Holly. Now, you've nothing to worry about.

You won't feel a thing.

- Just you relax. - Thank you Doctor.

- Hello. - I've just come to watch.

It's a long time since I saw you operate.

- That is if you don't mind. - I don't mind in the very least.

- All ready, Dr. Sparrow. - Thank you, Sister.

- As long as you don't give me any free advice. - I'm not likely to do that, am I?

Good morning, everybody. Don't take any notice of me. I won't interfere.

All right, George? - OK.

All right, Sister.

What are you doing? What's that?

That's my primary incision.

You don't call that little scratch an incision, do you?

Cut man! Cut like I taught you!

Use your shoulders. You're not opening an oyster!

I wish you'd shut up and keep your pearls for someone else.

Sorry, Simon.

I'm only trying to be helpful. I shan't interrupt any more.

Retractor, Sister.

You don't call that a retractor, do you?

That is the retractor Dr. Sparrow always uses, Sir Lancelot.

Nonsense. Give him a big one.

He wants to collar the colon, not eat a Frankfurter.

Keep your gastronomic conversations to yourself.

- I can only say it's not the way I should do it. - Well, it's not your case!

Very well. If that's your attitude to your old teacher...

I shan't say any more.

Bad sign. Can't stand friendly criticism.

It's a nasty one.

That's better out than in.

All right, George...

- Stat opening up now. - Right-o.

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

You ought to be on the job.

Wake up! What do you think I'm spending good money on you for?

Wake up!

Hey, mind my stitches!

The train standing on platform five is the fast train for London.

Thank you, madam.

Do you mind?

So sorry, madam.

Disgusting.

Are you drunk or something?

Most certainly not.

What's the idea, then? You afraid of sunstroke?

I'm sorry.

You'll have to pay for all these things.

Oh, very well.

Lancelot!

'Ere... 'Ere, do you know that geezer?

Yes, I do.

- Well, he shouldn't be allowed out. - Is he a nutcase?

No, he's a friend of mine.

Some people do 'ave 'em!

Before he does any more damage, you better get him to a doctor.

I am a doctor.

Don't you know it's unlucky to open an umbrella indoors?

Not for me, madam.

You might have taken my eye out.

Madam, in my time, I have taken practically everyone's everything out.

Don't! Stop it! Don't!

I shall scream! I'm warning you. Oh!

The man must be a lunatic.

Must be a raving lunatic.

No.

No! No, don't shut the door. You can't come in.

- Can't I? - No. You see...

all these seats are taken.

Yes, they're all taken.

Oh, I see. I do beg your pardon.

I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. I beg your pardon.

Actually, there is room for me just there if I squeezed in

between you and the lady with the red hat.

Would you mind, madam?

I'll just put my coat up on the rack. Excuse me.

Thank you. Don't move. Just a bit. Thank you. That's fine.

Let me out!

It's all right. Perfectly all right. I'm a doctor and you fainted.

Oh... well...

Thank you, Doctor. You're... You're very kind.

- Feeling better now? - Oh, yes. Thanks to you.

I do apologize for making such an exhibition. Whatever must you have thought of me?

But, you see, I have had the most terrifying experience.

Would you like to tell me about it?

You see, there was this dreadful man in my compartment.

Oh, it was awful. I think, as long as I live,

I shall never forget the sight of his dark glasses and...

- Dark glasses? - Yes.

- And an umbrella? - Yes.

You see, Doctor, I'm sure that he's...

...a maniac.

Taxi!

Follow that cab.

- Blimey! Going in disguise? - Don't be impertinent!

All right, all right, all right!

You're quite safe. He's gone.

Oh. But, Doctor...

- Please, do try and be calm, will you? - I can't. I can't.

Now, look, you've got your knitting back.

Count your stitches. It's very soothing. Good day.

Oh, tell Mr. Heilbronn he won't regret the decision.

Yes, of course I can be ready.

Champagne in the icebox.

Sorry, er... What did you say?

So sorry, I didn't quite get that.

What sort of clothes will I need?

Nothing at all.

Oh, I see. When I get there.

Oh, yes. I'm terribly excited, tell him.

Midnight? Tonight?

Oh, yes, of course I'll be there.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Oh, Simon, darling!

- You're late. - I very nearly didn't get here at all.

I had a terrible journey, a terrible day and I'm in a terrible mood.

Well, I've had a fabulous day and I'm in a fabulous mood.

Well, bully for you. What's so fabulous about it?

Charming!

Oh, well.

Oh, Simon, don't look so miserable.

Well, I am miserable.

Well, you just stay with it, then, because I am going to pack.

Pack?

Where are you going?

I go, my lord, to the Eternal City.

You have to be kidding, of course.

No. I leave on the midnight plane for Rome.

Arrivederci, Roma...

- Delia... - Si, caro?

Rome only means one thing to me: The Sorrows Of Salome.

Hm, does it?

Yes, it does. Have you been having another bash at that midget movie magnate?

Supposing I had. Would you mind?

Yes, I would. Very much indeed.

- Anyway, I'd say you needed your head testing. - Why?

He only wants you as a personal handmaiden. I know the type.

Simon, don't be so disgusting. Anyway, it's got nothing to do with Mr. Heilbronn.

I am a model. It's just like being a doctor: I'm always on call.

That's what worries me.

How long will you be away for?

Oh, that depends on how many shows we have to do with the new collection.

Oh, do stop looking so Neolithic and get my suitcase for me.

Oh, Delia...

I didn't come here to help you to pack.

Well, if you help me to pack, darling, there'll be lots of time for what you really came for.

It's all in the oven.

Waiting for somebody, sir?

No, Officer. Just taking the air.

Ought to have brought an umbrella, sir.

Well, hello, Porker.

- Good gracious, it's you! - Yes, yes. Quite a coincidence.

- Are you looking for somebody? - Yes.

Oh. Well, you're making it rather difficult for yourself.

What?

Oh, you mean these. Just a touch of pink eye.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- It's much better. - Good.

You're wearing your...

Yes, yes, I'm treating somebody. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just paying a call on an old friend.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

- Which flat? - Er... that one.

Oh.

Well, you'd better ring the bell, hadn't you?

Yes, I suppose I had.

Unless you've got a key.

Don't be so absurd. It's not that kind of friend.

No, no, no! Get away!

It's beasts like you who disgrace British railways!

- I ought to be getting ready. - Oh, shut up.

Oh...

This is the Camberwell sewage disposal unit. Can I help you?

Yes, this is Victoria 2191.

- What on earth's the matter? - What did you say?

- Who is it? - Be quiet.

Yes, I certainly did get that message.

- Tell me... - Will you be quiet?

And the same to you!

- Who was it? - So you are going to Rome to model dresses.

Well, yes, you know I am.

And you've never set eyes on Mr. Heilbronn.

- Was that him? - No, it wasn't Mr. Heilbronn.

But it was one of his blue alpaca-suited, frilly-shirted minions,

rounding up the harem with a car for the airport and and they want you.

Can you explain that?

For one dreadful moment...

I thought it had all fallen through.

- What? - Well, me. He still wants me.

Yeah, for the movies.

Look, I know you think I haven't got any talent.

You're very good at some things, but as an actress...

- You're jealous. - Jealous?! Me, jealous?

- Of that fat, paunchy, short-arsed... - And spiteful.

Spiteful. Ha!

Spiteful! I'm just boggling at the sheer gullibility of it all!

Do you really think you're going to get a part in this epic?

You're going to be one of thousands.

I shall be one in a thousand.

Mr. Heilbronn says I might be a discovery.

He says he's going to take me and mould me and make me.

That he will certainly try to do.

Mr. Heilbronn is a genius!

Listen, listen. I only want to protect you.

- I don't need protecting! - You do need protecting.

Oh... Go and pack your little black bag.

You come with me.

You want to get something for that or you'll be under the doctor!

I...

Look where you're going, man!

- You're drunk. - Hey, Rosie...

Would you like me to grow a nice bit of fungus like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Get out of my way! You're a disgrace to the Empire!

Oh, come on, love.

The train standing on platform two is the 1117 for Hampden Cross

But I've already explained, madam. I want a triple rum and aniseed.

Purely for medicinal purposes. I repeat...

You can repeat all night if you want, but we're closed.

But I need it! Rum! R-U-M!

S- H-U-T! Shut!

Oh, you can't, Rosie. Not till the train starts.

Oh, but I must.

- Simon. - Hello.

I say, I suppose you haven't got an aspirin, or better still, a hip flask?

No, I'm sorry. I'm off duty too.

Did you have a good day?

Splendid.

I've had nothing to eat, nothing to drink, I've been pestered by lunatic females,

moronic railway employees and drunken sailors.

I got soaked to the skin, and I've broken my umbrella.

And I made a fool of myself in front of the woman I love.

You met your rival.

There isn't one. She's perfectly innocent.

Serves me right for giving way to jealousy.

The sort of mistake you wouldn't have made.

No, that would be... absolutely fatal.

What do I do next?

Well, you have rather shown your hand, haven't you?

I think you'll just have to pop the question.

You mean a formal proposal.

I can't see what else you can do.

- You! - Well, if it isn't the beefer.

- How are you going, sport? - You can't come in here.

What is this? First class, then?

Indeed it is.

- Is that a bottle of rum? - Indeed it is. Would you like a slug?

- First class. - Help yourself, sport.

Help yourselves.

No, thank you very much.

Er... You were saying, Simon.

Mm? Oh, yes...

Well, now that you've tried the creeping barrage, I think you'd better try the frontal attack.

Hey, Rosie. Do you love me?

I don't know.

You mean straight out of the blue?

No, we must always exercise a little finesse.

Well... Do you like me?

I don't know.

And timing. Timing's very important.

Yes, I recognize that. But what do I actually say?

Do you like anyone else, then?

I don't know.

You can't sort of put a girl in a corner and boldly come out with it.

Hell, Rosie! Will you marry me?

- I don't mind! - You little beauty!

I have asked you here, my love,

in order to tell you that, for some time past...

Well...

Every look I have... cherished...

Mm, cherished.

Your every gesture I have interpreted with hope...

...and your every move I've had carefully watched. No, blast it. I don't mean that.

I have asked you here.

Yes, Lancelot?

Why have you asked me here?

- I have asked you here... - Yes?

I have asked you here because it is the only damn place I can get any privacy in this hospital!

You were saying?

I have to perform a very tricky operation, ma'am.

A heart operation.

Iris...

I am no longer, by the world's standards, a young man.

The er... prime of life might be a better description.

Er...

You could, of course, do over the bedroom to your own taste,

and invite your mother to stay once a year.

That is, indeed, if you have one.

Lancelot...

Are you proposing to me?

Well, I'm not lecturing to the Royal College of Surgeons!

But, erm...

Do you love me, Porker?

Passionately.

I love you deeply and sincerely.

And have the honor of asking you to become my wife.

Well...

It's quite a compliment.

You accept, of course?

Oh, I appreciate it, but it's a big step.

You must give me time.

Damn it, woman! It's marriage I'm offering you!

You can't ask for time like somebody who owes the landlord for last quarter's rent.

Aren't you fond of me?

Oh, I am, I am!

I'll give you my answer when I'm more sure of it.

Iris! Help! I'm stuck!

Oh!

Oh, no, it's no good. You're too heavy for me. I'll get help.

Oooh! Ow! Oooh!

Should I get a male nurse or a plumber?

Oooh! Oooh! Oooh!

- Pig! - Sonja!

And you do not come here again! You make me to be sick!

Get out of here, you lousy...

rude pig!

Get out!

Oh, you...!

Ow!

Oh! I'm sorry!

I hit the wrong gentleman.

Don't mention it.

It's an easy thing to do.

Thank you.

Er, excuse me.

- Have you come to see me? - No.

I just came to collect some things that I'd left here.

I didn't know that Delia - Miss Mallory - had...

Oh, yes, I have let her flat.

Come in.

Come in, please.

- You know Miss Mallory very much? - Well, no.

She used to give me the odd shakedown when I was in London on business.

Shakedown?

Oh, yes. You shake yourself down often?

- Not by myself. - That's good.

That man...

all build-up, no shakedown.

Oh.

Do you want some nuts?

Nuts? No, thank you. No.

You should. Healthy.

Sit.

Thank you.

- Oh, you are bruised! - No, no. I am sure it's very...

- I will treat to it. - You what?

I will treat to it.

There's no necessity, I promise you.

But I am a masseuse, you know. Take off the garments and I will massage you.

If you don't mind, I'd rather keep them where they are.

I am strong. Feel.

It's wonderful.

And this.

Terrific.

Could I have a glass of water, please?

Yes. Water is purging.

I'll fetch it.

I left some things here.

Funny, so did I.

Er... Can I give you a hand?

Oh, thank you very much. It's very kind of you.

- There we are. - Thank you.

- Is that heavy? - Just a bit.

Some men, I don't think...

Do you think?

- I think you're some woman. - I am liking you, too.

You are skinny but have the lovable, no?

Well, erm...

- You do not think I have the lovable? - Oh, yes, you have the lovable.

And you're not skinny, either.

- And now I massage your bruise. - My what?

Your bruise. You take off the trouserings.

The trouserings are perfectly all right where they are, thank you very much.

So English! But where I come from, we all take off the trouserings.

Right. You start.

Yes.

- Good evening, Sister. - Oh, good evening, Dr. Sparrow.

She's pulling round.

- Have you heard today's results? - Yes.

Have you ever had an operation?

Not a big one. Just an impacted wisdom tooth.

I must get my teeth seen to.

After this, it's silly to be frightened of the dentist.

Frank can't stand women with false teeth.

- Even old women. - You're not old at all.

Was the operation all right?

Yes. The operation was fine.

- You said it would be. - Did I?

You can't always believe what doctors tell you.

Mary, I'm not a doctor yet.

As good as.

I believe you, anyway.

Do you want another drink?

I'm going to get quite well, aren't I?

Without question.

Quite well.

But I'm afraid you're going to have a whacking great scar.

- Oh, I don't mind that. - Well it won't show.

By the time you're a granny, you'll forget you ever had it.

I think it's time you went to sleep now.

I'll get Sister to give you an injection. You won't mind that, will you?

- It's not easy but we have to do it always. - But, sir...

- There's no "but" about it. - Sir, I couldn't tell her.

- Because all the time I knew for certain. - Do you?

You don't know anything for certain. Nor do I. Nor does anybody.

- How can there be any doubt? - There's always doubt.

We could be wrong about what we found today. We could be right.

But tomorrow there might be a discovery which could save her.

h six months' time, she could be run over by a bus.

h a year's time we could be blown up.

In two years' time you could be a very good doctor.

But we can't be certain about anything.

- Get it? - Yes, sir.

Well, remember it.

Aah! My little Simon!

Come in.

- You are well? - Yes.

Good. Strong?

- Yes. - That's good.

- What is that you bring? - This I bring is a bottle.

Oh, I see.

- Alcohol? - It has alcohol in it.

You know, of this I do not approve. It's weakening.

It's supposed to be a tonic, taken in moderation.

With me you do not need the tonic.

- Ah. - Ah. There are two points of view on that.

Oh!

There. We have the grapefruiting juice.

You've set for three.

Oh, yes, yes. I did not tell.

It is my sister, Helga. She is visiting with me.

Is she like you?

Yes, we are twin sets. But we are very close. We share everything together.

- What? - But you will like her.

She is strong like me.

At home she teaches the physical culturings.

And she will like you.

Yes, she will like you, too.

Have you got any more sisters?

Oh, yes!

At home, Ilse... Ilse is the baby.

- She is a police cons-table - A what?

Police cons-table.

How delightful.

Mm! That will be Helga.

Let her in, please. I will get the grapefruit juicing.

Ah... You are the sparrow.

- Er, yes. - Sonja tells me about you.

She says you have a lovable. Have you?

Apparently, yes.

- We will see later, no? - Yes.

Helga! I am here!

Good. I have the hunger.

- Are you liking my sister? - She is charming.

She is liking you, too. We have the agreeable evening, yes?

Yes, please?

Ilse!

Where are you? In London?

Come round at once! Helga!

Is little Ilse!

Ilse!

Simon! It's Ilse! She is coming!

Simon?

W- What's wrong with the English?

We want to see some engagement rings, please.

Not too expensive ones now, Simon.

Congratulations, sir. I am sure we can tempt Father's generosity.

Don't be impertinent! I'm not his father and the ring's for me!

A perfectly natural mistake, Lancelot.

Ah, I understand. May I get the size of your finger, please?

You'll get my hand across your face if you don't hurry up and show me some diamonds.

When are you going to give it to Iris?

- Tomorrow. - No regrets?

Oh, in for a penny, in for a pound.

I shouldn't have got this far if it hadn't been for your help.

Well, after this, you can help me. I'm going to a flat to pick up some things.

- If I can be of any assistance. - I need protection.

The flat is guarded by three man-eating females.

Oh, it's you.

Did you forget something?

I just dropped by to pick up some of the things I left behind.

Er, Sonja, this is Sir Lancelot Spratt. Miss Stromberg.

How are you doing?

Come in, please.

- Have you any sisters about? - No, they have gone home.

- Oh, what a shame. - Him you have met.

It is now my fianc�.

There seems to be an epidemic.

You are a friend of Simon's?

- Yes. - Sit.

You are old. That's good.

Simon needs the company of wise old men.

He smokes and drink s himself too much. This is not good.

I used to tell him when we were shaking ourselves down together.

Indeed?

She is a remarkable woman.

She's a masseuse.

Physi-o-therapy.

We masseuses are strong. Strong in arm,

- strong in mind no? - Madam.

And he is strong, too.

But not like me.

After we married, he leads a new life. I change everything.

His ideas, his habits - everything!

That is what women do.

Otherwise they are losing their personalities.

- You are married? - Not yet.

If you were married, your wife would make you do exercise every day for your big stomaching.

It's too big!

You should eat nuts, not meat.

For him, no meat, never.

Nuts make virility.

That I demand.

Thank you, no.

Thank you, yes

You will not marry yourself now.

You would not like change.

And change you would have.

All women do it.

Not all men are liking it.

Madam, I'm inclined to agree with you.

It's no use, Simon. I've been thrashing it out all night.

You can't chuck everything up, after all the help I've given you.

I know. I'm awfully grateful, but...

Well... Here, you take that.

You probably know somebody who'd like it.

Oh, good morning.

Good morning. I want to have a word with you, if I may.

I'm afraid I'm busy, Lancelot.

- He can wait, can't he? - What do you mean?

Hey, now, look here, old chap.

I'm having my treatment! You can't push me around like this!

That's just exactly what I can.

Help, somebody! Help, Sister! Nurse!

Hey, hey! Sergeant Major!

Dr. Sparrow, stop this damn thing!

- Where's the fire? - Get me back in there!

And what impertinence. Refusing me?

Well, you see, I love somebody else.

Might one enquire the name of this whippersnapper?

- Him. - Simon?!

- What? - No, no.

Him.

You snake in the grass!

By Jericho, sir, if I had the use of my legs, I'd...

Somebody stop this ruddy thing!

Hey! Get out of the way!

Let me get at him!

But he needs me, Porker. He loves me.

- But it's not allowed. Not with a patient. - It is if you marry them.

Let me near the villain!

- Major French. - Hm?

You're walking.

What?

Good grief.

Whoa...

Tommy! I knew your legs would get better! What a marvelous surprise!

Well, there's plenty more where that came from!

Dr. Sparrow... you're wanted, sir, urgently.

Excuse me.

Well, I don't know what to say on these occasions, but I know what to do.

Yes, well, th-th-that's plenty, sir.

- What kind of a case is it? - I haven't seen anything quite like it, sir.

- You mean three heads. - No, poodles.

- Poodles? - Yes, sir. Pink.

Have you been at the ether?

Delia.

Ciao, caro!

Ciao. What happened?

- Didn't you get the part? - No, I just got most of the presents.

So I can see.

All right.

What are you doing here?

- I've come to get my latchkey. Have you got it? - Yes, I have.

And I think I'm going to keep it.

- What are you doing? - Well, as a matter of fact,

I'm waiting for you to drive me up to London,

because by a fabulous coincidence, I've got the evening off.