All language subtitles for Doctor in Clover (1966)

Doctor In Clover

Breathe.

Now out.

Seven o'clock.

I feel awful.

Now the time's come, I don't want to go.

You'll feel better after some breakfast.
You can have anything you want.

Thanks.

I don't feel... very hungry really.

Strange, isn't it?

How you get attached to a place.

I've been here now, what..?

- Six months.
- Six months!

Now it's all over.

All because of a bird.

Yes. But she was the Governor's daughter.

It's funny, last doctor got the sack
for the same reason.

No!

And I didn't even know about it.

I hope someone told my landlady
I was staying the night here.

What did your screws put in that drink last night?

Oh, that was a little concoction
we discovered in Block C.

Prunes and methylated, I believe.

Well, the prunes should do a bit of good,
I suppose.

Going to say goodbye to your patients?

Yeah, if I can walk that far
without my head falling off.

Have to stop for a bit on the way, though.
Ooh, those prunes!

How are you feeling, Fleming?

I'm feeling very poorly today,
very poorly indeed.

Temperature normal, pulse normal.

Yeah, well, it's internal pain.

Somewhere round the abdomen
I'm getting these sharp, purple, searing pains

followed by violent, green pains.

Perhaps it's the appendix.

It'd be very surprising if it was.

You had it out three years ago.

Yeah, well, maybe they growed.

See, the pain, sir, is something awful.

I have to cry myself to sleep every night
when I'm in bed, sir.

So could I just stay for one more week?

Just one more, eh, sir?

- Only one?
- Yes, sir. Go on, sir.

You can stay here till the new doctor arrives.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Sir, just for that...
you can have your watch back, sir.

Oh, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Very kind. Thank you very much.

- Good luck, sir.
- Thank you so much.

- Ah, how are you, Ashby?
- Is it true you're leaving today?

- Yes.
- Do us a favor, then.

- What's that?
- Smuggle this out for us.

It's a dying man's letter for his invalid mother.

I didn't know your mother was a bookie.

Thanks, Doctor.

Hope it wins.

Ah, cheer up, Grafton.
Only another six years to go.

Take a message to my Elsie, doc, would you?

If I do it for you, I've got to do it for everyone,
haven't I?

Pity.

Is that Elsie?

Yes, sir.

Ooh, my dear!

Oh, I think I can help you here all right.

What's the message?

- Well, I think I'll put it another way.
- Oh, she'll like that, sir.

Cheers.

Grimsdyke.

- Sir Lancelot!
- I thought so.

I never forget a face, although I deeply regret
the fact on many occasions.

- Get in.
- Yes, but you see, sir, I-I...

Doubtless you'd prefer to fiddle with
the gear lever of the car that's just passed,

but that privilege has been denied you. Get in.

Yes, sir.

Were you in private practice
before you went to... that place?

No, sir, I was at Pentonville for two years.

Hardly a matter for boasting.
You've been struck off, of course?

Well, certainly not, sir.

I say, you don't think
I was inside as a convict, do you?

I admit the thought had flashed across my mind.

No, sir, I was one of the prison doctors.

I do not train my students
to coddle malingering convicts

but to go out into the world

and use the most modern medical
methods science can devise.

Quite so, sir.

I'm going to teach you to be a doctor again,
Grimsdyke,

so that once again
you may go forth and save life.

If I catch you jaywalking again,
I'll flatten you into the tarmac!

- And come and see me again in a fortnight.
- Thank you very much, Doctor.

Emergency, Doctor.

Ow! Careful!

How do you feel, doll?

- Where's the doctor?
- You'll bourr�e out of here in no time, dolly.

Sorry to bother you, Doctor.
She fell on her entrechat.

She fell on her... Oh... Oh, the ballet.

She crumpled.

Crumpled like a cold souffl�.

Yeah.

Came down like a sack of bloody potatoes.

What do you mean?
My elevation's as good as Margot's any day.

Ah, what are you?

Now, now, don't excite yourself, Tatty.

And don't call me Tatty! My name's Tatiana!

Sorry I'm sure.

Good heavens, Sidney.
How many more times have I got to tell you?

Are you the manager?

I'm the choreographer, actually.

Now, this is Digger. Her partner.

Hi, doc.

Er...

Um... I would like to examine the lady,
so if you wouldn't mind waiting outside?

Yes, of course. Tell me, is there a pub handy?

Yes. Opposite the gates.

- Good. Come on, lads. I could do with a... pint.
- Me too.

- We can't just leave her, dollies.
- Don't worry about me, darling, I'll be all right.

Right, now, Miss er... Oh, it is miss, yes?

Well, Doctor, I'm...

I'm not exactly a dame yet.

Well, I'm afraid I don't go to the ballet much.

Oh, don't you?

Well, we must remedy that, mustn't we?

Which er... Which leg is it?

Whichever you say.

Oh...

Um...

Does this hurt?

Um... Well, it's a bit difficult for me to say, really,

when I'm... wearing these tights.

Well, Doctor, I... I think you've hit it.

Er... Nurse, we'll have to have this X-rayed.

You... You don't...

I mean... will...
I will be able to go on tonight, won't I?

No, I'm sorry.

W- What am I going to do?

My public!

Oh!

Oh, now, please,
don't... don't upset yourself, Miss er...

Rubikov.

You can call me Ruby, if you like.

It's my name, actually.

Oh, give us a hankie, will you?

Thanks darlin'.

Mm.

What a gorgeous smell. What is it?

Well, it's ether, I expect.

Ether?

You kinky thing.

X- ray.

Well, we'll have to find a bed for Miss Rubikov.

A private room, of course.

- I'm afraid all the rooms are occupied.
- The public ward?

Ah, never mind.
It'll probably be full of your public.

Ohh! Oh, I never thought of that.

Well, Nurse Holliday, what can I do for you?

Kiss me, you kinky thing.

Very well.

If you think it'll help your complaint.

Come on.

Come on, now, hurry up.

It's my idiot cousin, Gaston Grimsdyke!

You don't think he's coming to work here,
do you?

There's a quick way to find out.
Go and ask him.

I wouldn't say I was going to work here exactly.

Oh, no. Just polishing up the old medical
science before I go into private practice.

Whose idea was that?

Sir Lancelot, actually. To be perfectly frank,
he insisted that I came.

And as I was a bit short of the old ready,
well, what can you do?

You've got to do something, haven't you?
Anyway, I like working with nurses.

Besides, my medical knowledge
isn't exactly up to date.

You mean you're too frightened
of Sir Lancelot to say no.

Suppose I get you a better job?

Say... ship's doctor
on a Mediterranean cruise?

That's very nice of you. I accept.
When do we start?

I was only suggesting that as an example.

I've got a feeling you don't want me here.

Well, yes, your feeling's dead right. I don't.

Look, I'm in line for a marvelous job
and I don't want you messing it up.

Anybody would think I was a jonah,
or cast hoodoos or something.

Watch it!

Here. Here. Let me have it.

Get it out the window!

Oh, watch it!

Terribly sorry, sir!

Look out! The Dean!

What is happening?

The Dean! Turn it off!

- The Dean! The Dean!
- I don't care about the... Who? Ahh!

This is your bed.

Have you got anything softer? This is
going to be a bit hard on my war wounds.

All the beds are exactly the same.

- Undress and put on this nightshirt, please.
- I don't wear nightshirts, I wear pajamas.

You wear the nightshirt
to facilitate the doctor's examination.

- Now, put it on.
- Is it clean?

- Of course it's clean!
- Keep your hair on, I only asked.

For all I know, the fella that wore this before me
might have had a touch of impetigo.

- Well, he didn't.
- Well, what did he have?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Oh, that's nice, innit? That's marvelous, innit?

Oi!

I've just been asked to wear a nightshirt that was
last worn by a fella with an unknown disease.

What's going to happen if I get it, then?
That's what I want to know.

And if the disease was unknown,
how are you going to know if I've got it?

I'm not wearing those. I'm wearing pajamas.

I'll have the screen round me.
I don't want everybody to see what I've got.

Don't bother, Nurse.

Tell the doctor I'll be ready in about ten minutes.

You'll be lucky. He won't be in here
until he's finished in the women's wards.

Oh, it's women and children first, is it?

Well, all I hope is he knows I'm an emergency.

And if I should fall into a coma before he arrives,
my blood group is AB rhesus negative.

Well, now, a good doctor must learn
to move fast and silently.

Excuse me! Excuse me!

- Morning, Sister.
- Morning, Sir Lancelot.

Morning, Nurse. This is Dr. Gaston Grimsdyke.
He's just joined us.

- Good morning, Doctor.
- Morning, Sister.

Good morning, Doctor.

Hello!

Hello.

Could we, by a superhuman effort of will,
concentrate on the patients, Doctor?

Of course, Sir Lancelot.

Morning.

- Morning.
- Morning.

You, Symington, be so kind
as to examine this lady's abdomen.

The symptoms are acute pain
in the lower abdomen and back...

and treatment so far is liquid diet
and pethidine four-hourly.

What is your diagnosis?

Oh! Couldn't you warm your hand first?

Oh. Sorry.

Spleen, sir?

Diseased spleen?

Have you sat at my feet for a full year without
knowing where the spleen is situated?

Like casting pearls before swine, Sister.

I don't know how I survive.

Perhaps you'd honor us
with another wild guess.

- Wind, sir.
- 'S'not!

You know, flatulence.

It might be. It might well be. But if it were,
we would hardly allow this lady,

charming though she undoubtedly is,
to occupy a valuable bed!

We'd have a whip-round
and buy her some bicarbonate of soda

and send her on her way rejoicing.

Really, what's wrong with the patient?

You, Grimsdyke.

- Me, sir?
- Yes, you.

Er... Yes, of course. Right away, sir.

Right away. Now...

Yes, well, there we are.

Half past eleven.

Right, here we go, then.

I think we're onto something here, sir.

Now, let me see your tongue.

Oh. Thank you very much.

You'll be asking the patient
to say "99" in a minute!

Say "99".

These are excellent aids to diagnosis
but hardly relevant to this case!

From what is the patient suffering?

I have absolutely no doubt at all, sir.

No doubt in my mind whatsoever that she is...

suffering, sir.

Oh, yes.

She is suffering... from er...

Stones, sir?

In the um... kidneys?

Quite right.
And what treatment would you advise?

We obviously can't dissolve them, can we, sir?

So, if I were a skilled surgeon like you, sir,

I'd um...

...yank 'em out.

I am not exactly enamored of the suggestion
that I ever yank anything anywhere.

However, I do propose to remove them
this afternoon.

Oh, don't be alarmed, madam.
I've removed hundreds of stones in my time.

Enough to cobble a courtyard.

You'll feel no pain and, what is more,

you can take them home
and have them mounted as cufflinks

for your ever-loving husband.

And the next, Sister.

What is your opinion of this patient, Preston?

The patient appears to be sinking fast, sir.

We are all hanging on your every utterance,
Preston.

What is wrong?

Postoperational shock, sir.

Hardly a very inspired suggestion in view of
the fact the patient has not undergone surgery.

Would you oblige us once more, Dr. Grimsdyke?

Of course, sir.

Thank you.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Yes, it's pretty obvious, sir.

The patient is fully recovered
and can be discharged. Thank you, Sister.

My congratulations on your recovery, madam.

Thank you.

Ooh, it's lovely!
What am I supposed to do with this?

Ooh.

Hello, darling.
Come and join us, whoever you are.

What the devil's this? A wedding reception?

Fab beard.

Get rid of them.

Who gave you permission to visit?

Nobody, doll face.
When the queen calls, her subjects obey.

You have exactly 30 seconds to get out of here
before I turn the fire hoses on you.

Pardon us for living.

Bye, doll. Come on, Digs, let's go.

Excuse me. Oops! Cheeky!

Madam, it is strictly against the rules
to entertain visitors outside specified hours.

Get rid of all this rubbish.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, darling.

Well... love laughs at locksmiths, doesn't it?

Neither love, laughter nor locksmiths,
unless they be seriously ill,

have any place within this hospital, madam.

You're a bit of a piglet, aren't you, darling?

I am also senior surgeon here
and would advise you to obey the rules.

To hear is to obey.

So divinely bossy.

What appears to be wrong
with this patient, Sister?

It's the most essential part of me.

Well, one of them, anyway.

I say!

The patient has a painful swelling
above the left patella.

Will you be so good as to diagnose, Beckwith?

Yes, sir.

There's no need to be nervous, Doctor.

I've been examined before, you know.

- A dislocated cartilage, sir?
- And the remedy?

- Put it back into place, sir.
- And how would you do that?

- Like this, sir.
- Don't jump the gun Beckwith!

He jumped it.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

There's no need for an apology, madam.

He asked for it.
A very salutary lesson, gentlemen.

Never crank the engine while the car is in gear.

And now one of you
had better put his jaw back into place.

Will you examine now, Doctor?

Oh, of course, sir.

Here we go, eh, sir?

Er, excuse me, sir.

- Well, the cartilage is evidently torn, sir.
- And the remedy?

And the remedy?

Operate, sir.

I agree.

No! No, I won't have an operation!

Now, madam, don't fret.

We'll soon have you going through
the hoops again.

Going through the hoops?!

What kind of performer
do you think I am, darling?

Admirable, I'm sure, in every way.

Your powers of diagnosis
are almost uncanny, Doctor.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

A bit too uncanny, in fact. I propose
to send you to Research for a spell.

But I'm quite happy as I am, sir.

I'm sure you are. I, however, have
the moral welfare of the nurses to consider.

And the physical welfare of the patients.

- So you'll go to Research and cool off for a bit.
- That's very kind of you, sir.

- Hello, Tweetypie.
Who's a silly old beggar?

You are. What is your opinion
on keeping birds in the wards, Doctor?

I love birds, sir.

Oh, you mean the parrot.

Yes, it's er... a bit unhygienic isn't it, sir?

Oh, very. But its advantages
well outweigh the disadvantages.

Gives the patients something
to think about other than themselves.

Burrr!

They're nice, aren't they, mate?
Cost me 16 packets of detergent.

You can't tell 'em from the real thing,

- can you mate?
- I can and I'm not your mate.

Oh, you're one of those.
Not good enough for you, eh?

Well, I'll tell you something, mate. I'm a fully
paid-up member of the National Health

and I'm entitled to all the benefits

plus a little respect from the upper classes.

- How are you getting on today?
- Very slowly, Sir Lancelot, slowly.

I suppose there's no chance
of getting into a private ward yet?

I very much doubt it.
What is the situation, Sister?

- Quite out of the question, I'm afraid.
- Very sorry, Mr. Tristram. Have to soldier on.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Mr. Wendover. What appears to be the matter?

That's up to you to find out, Doctor.

That's what I'm here for, so you can find that out.

- What appears to be the trouble?
- He has shooting pains up his back.

And down my front. I know what it is,
it's my war wound. Shrapnel on the move.

And how did that happen?

I was bending down in the trenches,
before taking my men over the top,

when off goes a grenade
and a lump of shrapnel hits me up the...

Rectum?

- Well, it didn't do 'em any good.
- Has he been X-rayed?

I'll see those later. Let's see your stomach.

Not on your nelly.

In front of all these students?
I'm not a peepshow.

I know my rights. I'm not a guinea pig.

You're the doctor that's dealing
with my stomach. Everybody else, out!

Everybody will stay exactly where he is!

You're under observation Wendover.

We'll find out whether there's anything wrong
or whether you're malingering.

Did you hear that? Malingering?!

You'll be hearing from my solicitors
in the morning, you will.

- Does that hurt?
- Yeah. Ooh!

- And that?
- Ooh!

Just a minute. I hope your hands are clean.

Don't be impertinent!

Learn to control your tongue,
or I'll have you discharged for thwith.

Is that a threat?
Are you threatening me? That's nice.

I'm on my deathbed and I'm being threatened.
You wouldn't talk to me like that if I was royalty.

You are not royalty.

I know I'm not. I'm just a bit of cannon fodder
what fought for King and country

and is now a guinea pig
for the medical profession.

All right, if you want everybody to see
my stomach. Here, Nurse, look at this.

And the rest of you can play
noughts and crosses on it. Come on.

We have neither the time nor the inclination.

Sister, give him a purge to make his bowels
work and I'll see him in the morning.

In the morning? Might be too late.
I might be dead then.

And I tell you one thing,
if I am, I'll demand an inquest.

Nurse. I've been looking for you.

Thanks for helping me out with those questions.

It was a great pleasure.

Look, um, this is my first day here
and I haven't made any friends yet.

I was wondering if you'd like to...
answer a few more questions?

Oh, yes.

- I'd love to answer a few more questions.
- Over dinner?

I'm sorry, Doctor.

Oh. Why, have you got a date?

- Who with?

Fianc�?! Oh! Now... we're not going to let a little
thing like that stand between us, are we?

Well... what a nice couple you make.

I'll see you in Casualty tomorrow, Doctor.

I won't be in Casualty tomorrow.

You will be if you ask her out again.

And so, with those few inadequate words,

raise your glasses and drink
to the happy and peaceful retirement

- of our dear Matron, Miss Bobsover.
Miss Bobsover.

And at the same time to welcome
our new Matron, Miss Sweet.

- Miss Bobsover, Miss Sweet.
Miss Sweet, Miss Bobsover.

Allow me to introduce myself. Lancelot Spratt.
How do you do?

How do you do, Sir Lancelot?
I know you very well by reputation, of course.

That's not always complimentary to me,
but from you I shall accept it as one.

- May I get you a drink?
- I don't drink, thank you.

Very right and proper. Look after the liver
and the complexion looks after itself.

- What about a cigarette?
- I don't smoke either.

Have we no vices,
mentionable or unmentionable?

I'm rather keen on chess.

A splendidly sedentary and non-soporific game.

I enjoy a canter across the board myself,
metaphorically speaking, of course.

May I get you some more tea?

No, thank you. I really must go and change.

I think Matron would like me to take over
as soon as possible.

Very good. I shall look forward to many
enjoyable encounters during my rounds.

Miles.

She seems a very agreeable sort of woman.

Courteous and respectful.

- I think she�ll be house-trained by Christmas.
- I hope so, sir.

Ah, Grimsdyke. Been looking for you.

Well, here I am, Professor Halfbeck.

What can I do for you, sir?

It's the other way round.
It's what I can do for you.

I'm leaving for Canada in the New Year

and I'd like you to know that though there are
more than a dozen candidates after my job.

I'm recommending that it should be given
to a certain Dr. Grimsdyke.

Well, that's... that's most generous of you, sir.

Er... by the way, you will make it clear that you're
recommending Dr. Miles Grimsdyke,

- not Dr. Gaston Grimsdyke?
- You have a brother?

Well, no, he's my cousin, actually.

- Of course I'll recommend the right one.

Shall I... put it down for you, sir?

Good idea. Save further confusion, won't it?

There. I think that...
that ought to be perfectly clear.

Ah, yes. Dr. Miles Grimsdyke.

No, no, Dr. Gaston Grimsdyke.

How do you do? I didn't get your name.

Send me a memo, Grimsdyke,
there's a good chap.

The sooner I find you another job,
the better it'll be for all of us.

Don't worry. I've just heard about
the most wonderful job. Suit me to a tee.

- Oh, thank heavens! What is it?
- Swear you won't tell anybody?

There's a lot of chaps
who'd like to get onto it if they knew.

I won't tell a soul.

Well, it seems there's a fellow here
called Halfbeck

who's leaving here and going to Canada
just after Christmas.

Now, I thought with a little bit of luck,
using some of our family charm,

I might get the job.

- Excuse me, sir?
- Uh-huh?

- I wonder if I may have a word with you?
- Yes, of course.

I need advice.

Oh you've come to the right man.
As long as it's not about medicine.

Well, actually, sir, it's about a girl.

A girl?

I think I can safely say
I'm something of an expert on the fair sex.

Oh, you know.

I think I'm in love, sir.

What, don't you know?

No, sir, not for sure.

I mean I can't eat, can't sleep, can't think...

- Well, I never was much good at that, sir.
- No, you weren't, actually.

And wherever I look, I see her.

- Who?
- The prettiest physiotherapist in the hospital.

- What's her name?
- Janine Belmont.

- Oh, I must have missed her.
- I beg your pardon, sir?

Oh, nothing, nothing. Excuse me.

Any other symptoms?

Janine Belmont.

Yes, sir. Well, it may sound ridiculous,
but every time I see her, I hear music.

Symington,

is she terribly pretty, this girl?

She's fantastic, sir!

She's got the most beautiful eyes.
And the most wonderful figure.

- You should see her in the swimming pool.
- I'd like to, I really would.

Is she... Is she in it now?

Well, she should be.

Why don't you come and look?
Then perhaps you could tell if she's keen on me.

Good heavens! Don't you know that either?

Haven't you kissed her or... anything?

Well, not yet, sir.
I've only been out with her nine times.

Things have certainly changed
since I was a medical student. Nine times!

- She very petite.
- She's what?

- Petite.
- What, only one?

There she is.

That's wonderful, Tommy.
Shall we try again?

Come back.

Well? What do you think?

You do think she�s pretty, don't you?

Hm? Well, you know...

Not bad, not bad.

Hello.

She's seen me!

Look, if I play my cards properly,
do you think I've got a chance?

I hate to have to tell you this, old chap,

as a man of the world,
being much more experienced in these matters

than most people twice my age,
I'm going to have to be brutal with you

and say, albeit reluctantly, of course...

...you haven't got a hope in hell.

You mean she's not interested?

Not in the slightest.

Wasting your time.

Funny. Funny she's just waved to me.

Come on. Again.

That's better.

What a delightful little boy you're helping.

He broke his leg.
We're trying to make it better, Doctor.

- You are a doctor, aren't you?
- Rather! Dr. Gaston Grimsdyke.

The Gaston comes from
the French side of the family.

I believe, in fact, I'm related to Napoleon.

What a shame. He was a nasty little man.

Oh. Only a distant relation, of course, you know.

I hope you don't mind my speaking to you,
Mademoiselle...

Belmont. Janine.

Janine Belmont.
Aw, charmante.

Look, I'm writing a treatise on physiotherapy
and I was wondering...

If we could have dinner and talk about it.

That's right. How clever of you to guess.

It's not clever at all

because already five doctors and 12 medical
students have made the same suggestion.

How about having dinner
and not talking about physiotherapy?

That sounds a lot better. No, thank you.

- How about having dinner and not even talking?
- No.

What's the matter, don't you fancy me?
I mean, don't you like me?

Oh, no, it's not that, but you see,

I'm only 20 and er... you're too old.

Me, too old?! How old do you think I am?

About er... 36?

I'm nothing of the sort!

I may look 36 but I'm... I'm only 35.

There you are, then.

15 years difference.
When I'm 86, you're already over 100.

Too old!

Too old!

You can pack in your research.
I've found the perfect job for you.

Medical officer, ladies college, British Columbia.

800 females! From 18 to 22. And only one
young man, Gaston the great loverboy.

Me, young?

I've already got one foot in the grave.

You're not suffering from
an incurable disease, are you?

I'm afraid so. It's ghastly.
It's never happened to me before.

- I'm in love.
- With a girl?

Well, naturally.

Trouble is, she's 15 years younger than me.

- Well, that's never worried you before.
- It worries her.

Good. Then you can take this job
in British Columbia

and forget all about her.

Miles, you don't seem to understand.
This is the real thing.

I'm even contemplating... marriage.

You mean you don't want the job?

It pays $10,000 a year!

It's very nice of you to think of me,
but Halfbeck's job is worth a very good salary.

- More than enough to get married on.
- I know that, you idiot.

It's earmarked for me. Unless you muck it up.

Look here,
I told you about that in the strictest secrecy.

Everybody knows about it
and that I'm going to get it.

Good morning, Matron.

Is this bed supposed to be made?

The proper way to make a bed is to fold the
corners in at an angle of precisely 25 degrees.

Those corners are at an angle
of at least 30 degrees.

Remake all the beds in the ward
in the proper manner.

And, Sister,
your collar is not sufficiently starched.

Nurse! Are you wearing false eyelashes?

- No, Matron.
- Speak up, girl.

- No, Matron.
- That's better.

I never allow any of my nurses to wear
artificial aids to so-called beauty.

It is unhygienic and encourages licentiousness
from the male patients.

Go at once and take them off
and wash your face with soap and water.

Yes, Matron.

Who's a silly old buzzard?

Sister, what is that bird doing here?

Get it out of my hospital at once!

Silence!

In 20 years of nursing,
I have never known anything like this.

A pet in a ward?
Disgraceful, disgusting. Disinfect.

- But, Matron, Sir Lancelot expressly asked...
- Oh, did he?

Well, I have already expressly asked
for it to be removed.

I do not propose to repeat myself.

- Bancroft, remove the patient.
- The patient?

- The parrot!
- But, Matron, it's...

- Nurse!
- Yes, Matron.

Come on, Tweetypie.

Now, get this clear, everyone,
nurses and patients.

You are not here to enjoy yourselves,

you are here to get better.

And better you are going to get!

Help, Sir Lancelot!

Where are you taking my parrot?

Matron instructed me to remove it, sir.

And I instruct you to replace it.

Well, come on, girl, what are you waiting for?

Come on, give me the parrot.
I'll take it back to the ward.

Come along, Tweetypie,
back you come to where you belong.

Come on, talk to your old man.
Back with all the pretty girls.

There you are, back where you started from.

Oh, Matron, there appears to have been
some slight misunderstanding.

I don't know whether you're aware,
but I gave instructions

that this parrot was to remain in the ward.

There was no misunderstanding, Sir Lancelot.

I gave instructions for it to be removed.

Nurse, remove it.

- Excuse me.
- Nurse, replace it, if you'd be so kind.

- Remove it, Nurse.
Help!

Let us get one thing crystal clear, Sir Lancelot,

I am responsible for the wards of this hospital,
and for instructing the nurses.

You are responsible for the patients.

If you do not like the arrangement,
I suggest you complain to a higher authority.

Excuse me, miss,
haven't I seen you before somewhere?

I'm afraid you're the only one
who could answer that.

Here, I got it, you're Tatiana Rubikov.

Last time I caught you,
you were having a bash at Sylphides.

- Oh, wonderful pont-levis? Wonderful.
- Oh, how very kind of you to say so.

Nothing like a bash of Sylphides
when you've got the hump.

Are you fond of ballet, then?

Oh, I know it all, love. I know it all backwards.

Fouettes, arabesques,

enchainements, entrechats...

I never had a bash at it myself.
My dad wouldn't let me do it.

Oh, what a very silly daddy!

You think so?

Oh, yes. You'd have made a wonderful dancer.

You've got the physique.

You know what I think?

I think your ballon would be sheer magic.

- My what?
- Your ballon.

My balloon? Oh, that would have gone up,
wouldn't it? But he kept it down.

Still, there you are.

But your gissle, that's a treat.

- My... My... My what?
- Show us a bit of your gissle.

Oh, I... My... Oh, not here!

Show us that bit where you go bonkers,
you pull the beads off and you fall down.

Oh, my Giselle!

- Yeah, go on.
- Oh, do you like it?

- How sweet of you.
- Go on, do a little bit now.

- No, I couldn't possibly.
- Oh, go on, we're in the same hospital.

- I couldn't possibly.
- All right, then.

Well, er... if you wouldn't mind
holding my crutch for a moment.

Giselle

Bravo! Bravo!

Oh, thank you very much.

- That's better than all your pills, love.
- Won't you help me up, darling?

Mr. Wendover!

- What are you doing out of bed?
- Three guesses, mate...

...tron.

Kindly return to your ward at once!

Sisters!

- Come on.
- Hey, watch it. Watch it.

Watch it!

You should not be in this corridor, Miss Rubikov.

These are the men's wards.

Oh, are they really?

I had no idea.

It is my belief that you are a sex maniac.

Come in.

- Sir?
- Ah Grimsdyke.

That woman's quite impossible. She's a gorgon.

She should be in a home for stray dragons,
not matron of a busy hospital.

- She is a bit of a case, sir.
- Psychiatric case, if you ask me.

I can't say I've dug down very deep myself, sir.

You don't have to. It's obvious.

She's repressed. She needs an object to love.

She's got her chessboard.

She needs a man, not a ruddy rook!
Sit down, Grimsdyke.

A man. That's very interesting, sir,
but, I mean, what man?

Who would you get... that's... n...

You must be joking, sir!

Why not?

It'd all be part of a day's work to you,
with your abundant talents.

I... I... I can't take on dragons, sir.

I'm not the St George type.

I might be able to put in a word for you
promotion-wise

if you agree to co-operate.

I'm too young, sir.

Nonsense. How old are you? 43? 44?

I'm just pushing 35!

Hmm. Well, you look older.
Probably because you're the pushing type.

Let me off this one, sir, please.

Oh, please. Look, I'll find someone else.

Please, sir.

Very well. I'll give you a free hand.

But love she needs and love she must get.

I'll do my best, love. Er... sir.

Very good.

If I do succeed sir,
you will put in a word for me promotion-wise?

I'll think about it.

We'll both think about it,
won't we, Tweetypie? Eh? Mmm.

Where do you think you're going, Mr. Wendover?

I'm not going anywhere, Nurse. I've just been.
For the fifth time.

That wasn't a pill you gave me,
that was an H-bomb.

You ought to give a pair of roller skates
with that stuff.

- Get back into bed at once.
- All right, don't get onto me.

Ain't got much strength left.

Takes it out of you, that stuff.

- What's the matter?
- You're sinking fast, mate.

You want to see this.
I know about medicine.

They'll be having these screens round
and wheeling you away.

I've only got water on the knee.

- Is that what they told you? That's nice.
- Of course that's what they told me.

Well, if they told you what was really wrong,
it'd sap your will to live.

Take my advice,
I should start reading short stories.

Hey, mister, do you really know about medicine?

Well, naturally, mate.
I wouldn't talk about it otherwise.

It's all in the Home Doctor.
You want to get yourself a copy. A dollar.

They told me that my dizziness had something
to do with the chalk balls in my ears.

It's something to do with the balance.

Every time I stand up, I fall down.

Ah, well, you've probably got chalk balls
in your ears.

That's what the doctor told me! He's good.

He knows, he knows.
You should have been a doctor.

It's all in there. Borrow it if you want.
Have a look.

It comes under B. "Balls, chalky. "

Was there something Nurse?

Take off your pajamas, please.

What's the idea, then?

You're to have a blanket bath.

- What's the matter with a proper bath?
- Matron's orders.

All patients are to have a blanket bath daily.
I'm not arguing with Matron.

Try it. I'd like to see the person
to give me a blanket bath.

Don't be ridiculous, Wendover.
Nurse is going to give me one, too.

You probably enjoy that kind of thing.
You're probably filthier than what I am.

I am not filthy.

What do you want a bath for, then?

- Take off his pajama jacket, please, Nurse.
- You try it. Leave it alone.

- Just leave it. Leave it, if you don't...
- Now, come on.

- Leave it!
- What is going on here?

This patient refuses
to have his blanket bath, Matron.

That's right, Matron. My skin's sensitive.
I'm allergic to soap.

Well, I'm allergic to argumentative patients.
Come along.

Hey, watch it. Hey, what are you doing?

Don't push your luck, mate.

I used to be middleweight champion, you know.

Oh! This is an invasion of my privacy.

I shall write to the BBC about this.

- And the Daily Mirror. And...
- Will you shut up?

Now, come along.

Come along!

Mr. Wendover.

That's better.

That's it. It's not so bad, is it, after all?

Ow!

Hey, Matron,

that's my toe.

All right, I give in. I know when I'm beaten.
You might as well take it steady.

My back.

Come on, dry him off now.

That's better.

- Come along.
- No, I can do that.

Come along, come along, don't be modest,
Mr. Wendover.

Haven't got all day, you know.

There we are, then.

Now, feel better after that, don't you?

I do. Matron,
what are you doing for dinner tonight?

I expect he smells a bit better now anyway.

Come on, you're next.

Oh, no, Matron, no, no!

No, I... I...

Ah!

And what are you laughing at?

I can't wait to see him get a blanket bath.

Your turn, Mr. Parton.

That's enough, Tommy. Go and get dressed.

- Hello, Tommy.
- Hello, Doctor.

- There, now.
- Haven't you any work to do, Doctor?

Oh, yes, lashings of it.

You wouldn't be free for dinner tonight,
I suppose?

I'm afraid not. Symie's taking me to the pictures.

Symie?

Lambert Symington. You know him,
he brought you here last weekend.

You're surely not interested in him, are you?

Well, he's very attractive,
in a funny sort of a way.

Yes, very funny.

I wouldn't be interested in him, if I were you.

He's practically engaged, you know.

Who to?

Well, to... to an au pair girl in Bristol.

That's it.

German fr�ulein.

Damned pretty. Oh!
He likes the Nordic types, you know.

Mm, I didn't know.

Yes, so why not, in the circumstances,
cancel your date and come out with me?

I don't think I'll do that, if you don't mind.

Well, how about tomorrow evening, then?

No.

- Non?
- Non.

- Day after?
- No. No.

- Non?
- No.

- I'm not doing very well, am I?
- No.

I feel as though I was only 21 today!

Dr. Grimsdyke!

What? Ah!

What on earth do you think you're doing?!

- Gaston, I've just heard about...
- Can't you read?

It says quite clearly on the door "Do not disturb".

Well, I didn't think that applied to blood relations.

- Now, look...
- What's happened to your face?

If you really must know, it's a mudpack.

It vanishes wrinkles and bags under the eyes.

Eugh! I look like a very hot Easter egg.

Oh, it's your girlfriend.

I've got to try and look younger than I do
if I'm going to have a chance.

Oh, I say, it's tightening up.

Ooh, dear. I don't think I like this.

- Is this to her?
- What is it?

It's a bit flowery, isn't it?

It's extremely bad manners for a chap to read
another chap's letters.

Yes, I know. "Ever since you walked
into the hospital, my life has changed.

I'm... I'm dancing on daffodils"?!

That's a bit of a feat for this time of year, isn't it?

As it happens, that letter is not intended
for Janine. It's to Matron.

Matron?!

At Sir Lancelot's request,
I'm trying to get her a man.

Make her calm down.
I don't think I can stand this much longer.

Who's it supposed to be from?

It's Lambert Symington, that idiot student
who's been pestering Janine.

He's going to be sorry, you know.

How about this bit?

"Until I know my, dare I say it, love is returned,

I must sign myself merely LS."

It's rather moving, don't you think?

It's rather a dirty trick to play
on poor old Symington.

All's fair in love and war.

I've got to get this off now.
I've had enough.

Give us a hand, will you?

Oh, I say!

Oh, I don't like this.

Ooh! No, look, steady.

Keep still!

Ooh, the things us girls go through.

Ooh!

Ah! No! It's caught.

It's your moustache. It's stuck.

Just a minute. I'll cut it off. I'll cut it off.

No! No! Good heavens, man,
I'd... I'd be naked without that.

Now, there we are.

I look exactly the same.

And what do you think you're doing, Grimsdyke?

Carrying out instructions, sir.

Getting Matron a man.

LS?

LS.

Tomorrow, she'll get a nice bouquet, sir.

Well done, Grimsdyke.

- Lancelot Spratt!
- Yes, Matron?

You're looking quite singularly happy. Are you?

I er... I don't know.

I... I think I am.

Good. Very good.

Excellent. And now, if you'll excuse me...

You don't have to be rude you lunatic!

Dr. Grimsdyke!

Oh, well...

- I say, what a coincidence.
- Isn't it absolutely amazing?

I'm terribly sorry, Janine.
If I'd have had the slightest idea...

Shh!

Naturally, I'll go and sit somewhere else.

Sit down! I can't see through your back.

Terribly sorry, madam. Sorry.

Caterina! Oh, Caterina!

Oh, Caterina, Caterina que tu es belle.

Moi aussi.

Non! Oh non!

- Viens j'ai quelque chose � te dire.
- Non! Non!

- Non!
- Oh, Caterina! Caterina!

Ah non.

Qu'est-ce que j'ai fait moi? C'est pas possible.

T'es une femme mari�e.

J'ai �t� �lev� par mes grandparents.

lls m'ont appris � �tre un bon gar�on

� �couter monsieur le cur�
� respecter les dix commandements.

Moi aussi je viens d'une famille pauvre
moi aussi je respecte.

Je respecte mes parents
les dix commandements

mais je suis une femme.

Une femme passionn�e.

Une femme mari�e.

Oh, Caterina!

Caterina je me donne!

Moi aussi Pierre moi aussi!

Oh, Caterina!

Oh, Caterina!

Oh, Caterina!

Caterina tu me donnes?

Caterina.

Moi aussi Pierre

Moi aussi je viens d'une famille pauvre

moi aussi je respecte mes parents
les dix commandements.

Je suis une femme passionn�e.

Une femme mari�e.

Tu es une femme mari�e.

J'ai �t� �lev� par mes grandparents.

Ils m'ont appris � �tre un bon gar�on
et � �couter monsieur le cur�

� respecter les dix commandements.

Oh! Ooh l� l�!

C'est vous ma�tre Benoit Ne tirez pas!

C'est moi, c'est Pierre! Ah!

- Excuse me.
- Oh, yes.

Can I give you two a lift? I thought
we might have a bite together somewhere.

Oh. Oh, well, it's very kind of you, sir...

- You needn't call me sir off duty, Symington.
- Oh, sorry, sir. Force of habit.

- Respect for your advancing years.
- That'll do.

Now, where shall we nosh?

Well, I was trying to explain, sir,

- I always go back to Janine's place afterwards.
- You do? What for?

- Oh, the usual thing.
- Filthy swine!

What's wrong with having a spot of supper
with a girl, sir?

Yeah, I see, but what do you do after supper?
I mean, do you... um, you know?

- Oh, yes, always.
- You filthy swine!

Look, sir, haven't you ever watched television
with a girl?

Yeah, never mind what I do.

You should be studying, not canoodling
in the dark with some innocent little girl.

But she asked me, sir!

It's only when you're a fully qualified doctor
on the threshold of success

that you should take time off at night.

Especially as there's another
loves you so dearly.

- Loves me? Who?
- No, shh.

- Ah, there we are, then.
- Good night, sir.

Good night, sir.

He's a nice old chap isn't he?
- Yes quite sweet.

Come in.

Looks like you've got an admirer, Matron.

Don't be impertinent!

LS.

- Thrombosis.
- What's that?

It says it's a medical term for the formation
of a blood clot within a blood vessel.

If the clot moves from its original position,
you've had it.

How are you feeling this morning, Wendover?

Didn't the nurse tell you?
I had a corona during the night.

- Got it on the chart?
- No.

Well, that's nice, isn't it?
That's very efficient.

I'm lying next to death's door
and nobody's made a note of it.

Can't have been a very serious coronary
if nobody else noticed it, can it?

Not serious? Not serious he says! Not serious!

Did you ring for the night nurse?

- I was rigid, Doctor. Wasn't I, I was rigid?
- He was there rigid. Rigid he was.

I was lying here, I was saying to myself,

"Hello, here comes a blood clot.
I'm having a corona. " Didn't I?

That's what he said. That's what he said.

I lay here and I said... "Tarquin... "

I said, "... this is it son, this is your lot. " Didn't I?

That's what he said. And I would have got up to
help him only I remembered my chalky white...

Yeah, he never forgets those, Doctor.

And old Lord Muck over here,
he didn't lend a hand, did he?

He just laid there snoring
while I was in the valley of darkness.

You seem to have made a remarkable recovery.
Let's have a look at your stomach.

It's cos I knew what to do, though, Doctor.

Lie here rigid and let the clot flow through my
system and disperse itself up my right intestine.

If that clot had stopped on its way
through my brain, I'd have had it.

Yeah, they would have had the screens around
him and he would have been wheeled away.

- Does that hurt?
- No.

- Does that?
- No.

- Does that?
- Ooh-ahh!

I think we shall have to open you up, Wendover.

Open me up? I'm not a tin of baked beans,
you know. What for?

See what's inside.

But you don't even know what you're looking for.

You're not leading a search party
through my abdominal regions.

I would have you know, Wendover,
that I've explored more abdominal cavities

than you've filled in football pools.

And with far greater success.

Furthermore, if I decide
that it is necessary to open you up

from here...

...to there...

and from there...

to there, opened up you will be.

I never did like keyhole surgery at any time.

Good day to you.

Oh, that's nice.

First of all he thinks I'm a tin of baked beans

and now he thinks I'm a hot cross bun!

Marvelous, innit?

- Good morning, Sir Lancelot.
- Morning, Matron.

Morning, ladies.
Ah, Mrs. Baker, how are we today?

Oh, much better, Doctor,
since dear Tweetypie came back.

What on earth made you do that Matron?

I thought the matter over
and decided you were right.

Morale is more important than anything.

I never expected we should come
to an understanding so quickly.

May I accompany you
on the rest of your rounds?

I should be honored. Morning, ladies.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

I wanted a word with you anyway.

Oh? Er, Sister.

What about?

Oh, this terrible television thing.

Oh, I'm afraid I don't know anything about that.

Some idiotic programme
called The Hands Of A Surgeon.

They want to televise
an operation from our theatre.

With you as the star?

Well, you could put it that way.
Yes, with me as the star.

Naturally, I should want the use
of the best nursing staff available.

Oh, of course, Sir Lancelot.

Grimsdyke, what are you doing here?
I thought you were working in Research.

Yes, so I am. I'm hoping to become
a bit of an expert on rejuvenation.

So I thought I'd come down here
and study the kiddies for a bit.

Mm. Hello, Tommy, how are you getting on?

All right, thank you, sir.

- Well, have you finished your studies, Doctor?
- Yes, well, I... I...

Then I expect you'll want
to get back to Research.

Yes, of course, Matron, right away.

I'll save you Matron!

All right, I've got you. Don't worry! Don't worry!

Good heavens, Grimsdyke!

Stop all this malarkey!

- It's only three foot deep!
- What? Oh.

So it is, sir.

I say, I think she really is drowning.

Waterlogged, I fancy, sir. She was going down
for the third time when I saved her.

Well, you didn't want her to drown... did you, sir?

Bit of artificial respiration
and she'll be as good as new.

Look, give her the kiss of life, sir.

Oh, Sir Lancelot!

Oh, Miles, can you spare me a minute?

Excuse me, won't you, miss?

Watch it, mate.

I beg your pardon... sir.

You can put on your shirt. Take this down
to the dispensary, they'll make it up for you.

What is it, Gaston?

It's Janine. She won't look at me.
She says I'm too old.

This is no laughing matter.
You've got to help me regain my youth.

I'll do anything, Miles. Anything.

I'd even promise not to go after Halfbeck's job.

Have you tried Dextranome 90?

No, but I will. What is it?

Well, it's a sort of um... super pick-me-up
for old people.

One injection takes 10 years off your age.

Ten years!

Well, for about 12 hours.

That'd be a help.
I'll take some before the nurses' dance.

You get a reaction when it's worn off.

Thanks, Miles, you're a real friend.
Where do I get this stuff?

Well, there should be a bottle in Research.

But it's still in the experimental stage.

Doctor! There's been an accident!

Rock Stewart the film star.
Can you see him right away?

Of course.

- What happened?
- We're shooting this big battle scene at Dieppe,

and Rock orders the boys to attack
and gets a splinter in his hand.

A shell splinter?

No, no, no. No, it was... a splinter
from the wooden grenade he was holding.

We got him here as soon as possible.

Sit down, please, will you?

Take it easy, Rock boy,
it'll all be over as soon as you know it.

You won't have any trouble with him, doc.
He got the VC in his last picture.

- Ooh!
- There we are. All over.

Will it... leave a scar?

No, no. You can go straight back to work.

You mean I don't have to lie down
and rest for an hour or so?

No.

But, Doctor, how can I thank you?
You saved my life.

Is there anything I can do for you?

An autograph? Autographed photo?

No, but perhaps you could tell me
how you manage to look so young.

Well, I'm only 35.

35?

But I saw you in films when I was only ten.

35!

I said I was 35.

Or would you like a belt in the mouth?

Yeah, well, that would be very nice.

Who's going to give it to me?

Well... he will.

Er... Come on, kid,
back to the Normandy beaches.

- Thanks a lot, doc.
- That's all right.

He must be at least 50!

How does he do it?

A bit of everything, I expect.

Well, it's the image he creates.

That's it, Miles. It's the image.

That's what I need to create.

A new image.

A new Gaston Grimsdyke.

That and a little Dextranome 90...

...and the girl is mine.

Take A Look At Me

Can I help you, sir?

Er... yes.

I want to get something with-it
to wear at a dance.

For your son?

What size?

Well, no, actually, it's um...

it's for me.

That's fine, sir.
We get quite a lot of older customers.

That's the whole point.
I want to stop looking older and start...

...getting younger.

Well, we'll do what we can about the clothes, sir,

but um... physically, I mean...

What do you mean?

Well, your hair, for a start, sir.
It's a bit old world, isn't it?

Well... Is it?

Where do you suggest I get it cut, then?

I don't think you ought to lose any more, sir.

You could have it styled.

Try Robert of Tight Street.

If you can get an appointment.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah, sure.

Yes, well, we'll have to let this grow.

And then we can move this up and round,
softening the lines of the forehead,

widen the face, bringing up all the highlights,

and giving you that schoolboy look... all over.

Can you really make me look as young
as all that?

Hmm.

And we really ought to get rid
of our ghastly moustache.

They're right out now, you know.

Oh, no, no. No. It makes me look younger.

By the time I've finished with you,

you'll look so young,
you won't even be able to grow a moustache.

It's awfully tired.

Would you consider wearing a piece?

Hello there, babies.

- Gaston!
- Yeah, yeah! What do you think, eh?

Amazing.

I think it's super.

- You should try the same treatment.
- Me?!

Why not? You'd look fab in the right gear.

You're coming to the nurses' dance, aren't you?

I might need your moral support.

Don't worry, I'll do what I can to help.

Mm.

Now, er...

Oh, dear.

- You wanted to see me, sir?
- Yes.

You are Dr. Grimsdyke, aren't you, sir?

Well, of course I am.

Couple of things. Um...

- First, I'd like you to help me with this injection.
It's anti-flu.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh.

Mm, jolly good. Wonder if I could have one, sir.

Er... Yeah, well...
Got a bit of a taste for it, have you?

I'm sorry. Look, it's the last one, and as I've got
a bit of a cold coming on, you know...

- Never mind, what was the other thing?
- Something for Sir Lancelot.

I don't know who you're taking to the dance
tonight but I'm afraid you'll have to cancel it.

What?

But, sir, I've already promised!

Sorry, old chap, Sir Lancelot's orders.

He wants you to... take care of Matron.

Matron?!

That's it.

It seems that she'd like to have
a nice younger man like you

to look after her.

I say, sir,
Janine's going to be awfully disappointed.

Oh, I don't see why.
I mean, it's not as if she's keen on you, is it?

I tell you what, I'll... I'll take care of her, if you like.

Oh. I say, it's awfully good of you, sir.

- Oh, I don't mind, really.
- No, no...

Honestly, I don't mind. It'll be a pleasure, really.

- Oh, no, sir.
- Now, look, I absolutely insist.

There we are. Get hold of that.

Now, pop it in the old rumpo, shall we?
Now, get it in quick, don't mess about.

Whoop! Oh, I say!

Oh my golly!

Excuse me.

Excuse me butting in, Doctor.

I know it's irregular,
but I wonder if I might have a word with Symie?

Oh, well, we were just having a chat ourselves.
Didn't mean to be irregular.

Hello, Tommy.

This is private.
Could you come with me in the corridor?

No necessity. I was just about to go out myself.
Excuse me, won't you?

I... won't... won't be long.
I'm... just gonna have a... you know.

Ooh! What the devil..?

- What was in that?
- Er... Only an anti-flu injection, sir.

And what leads you to suppose
that I'm in need of an anti-flu injection?

Oh, not much went up... in sir.

The quantity's immaterial.
When I transferred you to Research,

I hardly expected you to use me
as one of your guinea pigs.

Do I look like a guinea pig?

No, sir. You look more like a pussy cat.

Well, that is... It was an accident, sir.

You've no right to wander round
with a loaded syringe in your hand.

No, sir. Won't happen again, sir.

I should think not!

- Hello, Grimmy, ready for the hop?
- Yes, of course, sir.

Don't call me sir! Call me Porker.

I think we're going to have a ball tonight.

All right... Porker.

Do you approve?
Thought I'd give the nurses a treat.

I think you will, sir.

The kilt has certain considerable advantages.
Especially if a chap's got sexy knees.

Are you feeling all right, sir?

Never felt better. Ready for a hard day's night.

I hope you remembered to bring your flask.

Makes the orangeade taste better
and makes the nurses friendlier.

Never forgot mine when I was a student.

Nor me, sir.

Snap!

I've got some other stuff
to make the party go with a swing.

Oh, what's this, sir?

It's something new
they're experimenting with in Psychiatry.

It makes everybody roar with laughter
and it might make the party very jolly.

Is it a sort of laughing gas?

Well...

Do you think we ought to, sir?
It's a bit schoolboyish, isn't it?

Don't be such an old fuddy-duddy, Grimmy.

The night's young and so am I,
even if you aren't.

What have you got there?

Mm. Mmm!

I'm going to be absolutely irresistible tonight.

Yes, Porker.

Take A Look At Me

You're looking after Matron?

Well, Dr. Grimsdyke said I ought to.

Stuff that under the desk.

If anybody asks what it is, say it's prizes.

Prizes, yeah. Shall I turn it on now?

No, no, no. Wait till the party starts flagging a bit.

Come and have a little run around with me.

- Miles. Miles, I've got to talk to you.
- What do you want now?

It's... It's Sir Lancelot,
he's had my Dextranome 90.

- What?! What did you want to give it to him for?
- It was an accident, you fool!

You better keep your eye on him.
He might try and swipe your girlfriend.

- Are you not dancing, Doctor?
- No, I've only just arrived.

- Anyway, it's not my kind of dance.
- I'll show you how.

- No, no, I can't do this.
- I'd love to teach you.

- No, no, look...
- It's quite simple.

- I'm a foxtrot man, really.
- Well, we'll do the shake.

Come on.

Come on, let's go and change the music.

I'll shake him, I tell you.

Put on some Scottish country dancing.
This party needs livening up.

- Yes, sir.
- Come on, Grimmy, you can be in my set.

What? Oh.

Hello, Matron.

Oh! It's thirsty work watching all this dancing.

It is.

I wonder if I might have
a little orangeade, Sister?

Sister!

Certainly, Matron.

Well, certainly. If she wants a drink,
she can have one. A fresh one.

Good evening, Sister.
Are you having a good time?

Hardly.

Ah, thank you.

Sister!

These drinks have been doctored!

I smell trouble, Grimmy. Turn on the doings.

- What, do you mean now?
- Yes.

Stop the music!

Turn that gramophone thing off!

Silence!

Silence!

Ladies...

and I will not say "gentlemen",
under the circumstances.

It has come to my attention

that alcohol has been added to the teetotal
beverages provided for this function.

I am aware of the infantile pranks
of medical students...

I beg your pardon?!

As I was saying...

...I am aware...

...of the infantile pranks...

...of medical students!

This behavior...

...is disgraceful...

...disgusting, disinfect!

And... And it is something...

...either nye... neither I...

...nor the medical authorities...

...will tolerate for one moment!

There's nothing like a drop of gas
to make the party come alive.

Oh, dear old Porker!

How nice to hear the young
enjoying themselves.

It's gone 11, Dean.

Yes, I think we must close the jollities shortly.

Oh, it's awful! It's awful!

- I wouldn't eat that to save my life!
- No, nor would I.

Look! This is outrageous!

Is it? Yes, I suppose it is.

They're playing our tune!
Come on, Matron.

It's marvelous.

Marvelous! Marvelous!

The sick and dying are
doing their best to get a bit of kip

and there's a bacchanalian orgy going on!

What are you doing out of bed, Wendover?

There's a lot of people back there
doing their best to get a bit of rest.

Look, it's no laughing matter, you know.

I'm asking you...
I'm asking you as a humanitar...

No, no! Ooh!

You can't! You can't!

Ooh, I shouldn't be laughing like this,
I've got a weak heart.

Ooh, my heart!

Mm?

Oh dear.

Morning, sir. Morning.

How are you feeling?

Hm?

I feel as if my head's been trepanned
with a boathook.

You're lucky. I haven't even got a head.

You're over a ton. 101, to be precise.

Rubbish. Must be broken. I've never known
a normal hangover produce that.

You've probably got the flu.

There's a lot of it about, you know.

I never get flu.

Besides, you gave me an injection against it,
didn't you?

What?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I'd forgotten about that. Perhaps it was
all those draughts blowing up your kilt.

Don't be impertinent.

How did I get home?

I brought you.

By car?

No. By operating trolley.

Ooh.

Did I dream it or did I dance the black bottom
with Matron last night?

You certainly didn't dream it.

You finished up giving her
a dirty great tickly wet kiss.

Ooh, it was nasty, it was.

I see.

And I didn't dream that she thanked me
for my note and a bouquet of flowers?

She couldn't have.
You didn't send her a note or any flowers.

But she quoted at me...

"Ever since you walked into the hospital,
my life has changed.

I'm dancing on daffodils. "

No, sir, no. That was Lambert Symington.

Ooh, I shall never laugh again, you know,
as long as I live.

Didn't she guess?

No. Did you write his name clearly?

No, I just put the initials on.
More intriguing, don't you think, sir?

I do not. They also happen to be my initials.

Oh. I never thought of that.

What are you going to do, sir?

Well, unless you come up with a better
suggestion, I propose shooting myself.

Oh, I wouldn't do that, sir.

No. It's terribly dangerous.

I'll think of something.

At least I'll try.

I do wish they'd get quieter bells, I really do.

Might be her now, sir.

Who?

Oh, it's er... Hold on a moment.
Dr. Grimsdyke, sir.

Not me. My cousin.

Excuse me.

- I feel really terrible.
- Yes?

It's about Wendover, Sir Lancelot.

Yes, all right. Better be on the safe side.
Operate immediately.

Yes, you!

Because I happen to be in bed with influenza
and a high temperature, that's why.

The television people will have to point
their cameras at you!

Obits media.
This term means inflammation of the middle ear.

Hey, did you know your ear hole
was connected to your throat?

It's got it in here, look. There's a funny little...

We've just had another look
at these new X-rays of yours.

- Oh, yeah? Any good, are they?
- We've located the trouble.

It's about time, innit?
I suppose it's bad news, is it?

You needn't be frightened to give it to me.
I can take it. I'm not a coward.

- I didn't get my medals for nothing.
- It means an operation.

- Where are you going?
- There's nothing wrong with me.

There's a great deal wrong.
If we don't operate immediately,

it could develop into something nasty.

That's what I thought when I first saw that fella.

I said, "He won't be here long," I said.

"His number's in the frame. He'll be going soon. "

Look, I wish you'd shut up.

This operation, is it going to hurt?

No, it's nothing to worry about,
if you give us permission to operate.

- Right.
- Good man.

I'll see you later.

I'll have a pencil and paper, Nurse,
if you don't mind.

I think I'll make my will out.

And I'm not going to leave you anything.

You've nothing to leave.

Oh, no?

Being of sound mind and limb,

I hereby bequeath my brain to the hospital...

...for medical research.

Yeah. And they'll put it in a bottle.

Doctor, you must stop them,
they're ruining my theatre.

- Who's in charge?
- That man.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Grimsdyke.

You can't have all this... all this stuff in here.

Hm? Don't worry, we shan't get in the way.

Grimsdyke? Oh, yes, the understudy.

Hm, never mind.
Look, I'll tell you what I want you to do.

- You've got to get all this equipment out of here.
- Yes.

In television we like to be unobtrusive,
so we'll have Camera 1 above the table

so that we can zoom into the bowels, as it were,

while Camera 2 dollies up and down
catching all the vital movements

of the hands, of the knives, of the oxygen
machine - breathing in, out, in, out.

And I shall want lots of close-ups of your eyes.
All-important the eyes, you know.

I want you to express everything with your eyes.

"Am I cutting in the right place?
Am I using the right scalpel?

Will the patient live? Will he die?"

But of course he mustn't die,
because this is a live programme.

Is all this equipment disinfected?

This is the 22nd programme
in the present series.

Have a word with Make-up, will you,
there's a dear fellow?

We might have to touch up the eyebrows
and build up the nose a bit.

Come along, Sarah.

Pity.

As the patient is wheeled into the theatre,
one can sense,

even though it is an everyday occurrence,
a certain tenseness growing,

as if it were the start of a race or a first night.

But outwardly, the surgeon,
the doctors and nurses appear,

as they undoubtedly are calm and efficient

so that this tension is not communicated to
the patient who ideally remains as calm as they...

- Where the devil have you been?
- Never mind that.

- What's all these cameras doing in here?
- Don't worry.

- Your operation's appearing on television.
- Oh, is it?

Oh, great.

- Right, who do I see about my fees, then?
- Your fees?!

I know what they get. Plus repeats. I know my...

Camera 2...

hold on... hold on the pretty nurse.

But as is happening now,

sometimes the sight of the TV cameras...

helps the patient even more
by taking his mind off the coming ordeal.

What's all this about an ordeal?
You told me it wouldn't hurt.

- Will you get on that table at once?
- Not on your nelly.

With all this going on?
I don't have to get on here if I don't want to.

You can't make me. There's not a living soul
that can make me get on that table.

If I don't want to.

- What's all this for, then?
- Just going to put you to sleep.

You won't feel a thing.

You better give me a full dose.

Give me slightly more than the full dose.
I'm a bit resilient to all this.

You had to be during the war,
with all that shrapnel coming at you.

What camera are we on? Anybody know what
camera we're on? What camera are we on?

Anybody know what...

Now the surgeon will make his first cut.

No hesitation, no indecision,
just a clean, deep cut

exactly in the right place.

Steady on, Godfrey,
you're making me feel quite sick.

Sister, scalpel.

Good.

Scalpel.

Forceps.

No3 scalpel. Good

Good. Deeper, man, deeper!

Come.

Good evening, Lancelot.

Let me do that.

There.

I know exactly how you feel about me, Lancelot.

It was courageous and noble of you
to make it so clear in your letters and notes.

But I don't think you really understand, Matron.

Oh, yes, I do. And I'm deeply grateful.

But I'm afraid it won't work.

It won't work?

No.

I am married already.

I have been married for the last 20 years
to my work as a nurse.

I couldn't give that up, Lancelot.

Not even for you.

And I would be the last to wish you so to do.

Well, it would be hardly fair to you
to have me always around,

so near but untouchable.

It would be absolutely intolerable.

I think you'd better leave at once.

I know of a post at the Royal Northern Infirmary
in Inverness.

I shall recommend you for it, should you so wish.

Lancelot. Another sacrifice on your part.

You're almost making me change my mind.

Oh, no, don't. No, don't, don't.

You have your vocation, stick to it.
And I'll stick to mine.

You're getting too excited.
I'll tuck you in and then off to sleep.

And who knows,
sweet dreams of what might have been.

Bless you.

Good night, Lancelot.

- Good morning, Janine.
- Good morning.

You're looking particularly lovely this morning,
if I may say so.

You may. And I have a good reason to be.

Engaged?! Who to?

Lambert Symington, of course.

You can't be serious.
Do you realize what you're missing?

I happen to know
there are others interested in you.

- Who?
- One of the doctors here.

Brilliant chap. Brilliant.

In line for one of the best jobs in the hospital.

He's um... He's handsome,

intellectual,

charming,

mature...

And he happens to be madly in love with you.

Tell him I'm not interested.

Tell him I'm in love with Symie.

And tell him I'm very sorry.

I see.

He'll get over it much quicker than you think.

- Dr. Grimsdyke?
- Yes, sir?

It's about this job of mine.

Yes, sir. I've decided to step aside
and let my cousin have it.

That's what I wanted to say. He's got it.

So the best man won.

Don't take it too hard.

It's not only that your qualifications
weren't quite up to the mark

but, well, with a responsible job like this,
you look much too young.

Oh, good morning, Sir Lancelot.
They tell me it was touch and go.

Hardly that, Wendover,
but the surgeon made a first-class job of it.

And, incidentally, he asked me to give you this
as a sort of memento of the occasion.

I hope it brings you luck.

Very exciting it was on the telly.

Very exciting. We all thought
you were going to kick the bucket.

Well, you had another think coming, then.

Jerry couldn't do it, so I'm sure they couldn't.

Look at that piece of shrapnel.

The man on TV said it was
a loose filling from your tooth.

Oh, did he? Well, he didn't know
what he was talking about. A fat lot he knew.

I know what that is.
That's a bit of 20mm howitzer, that is.

I should know, I was a rear gunner.

Yeah, he ought to know, he was a gunner.

You'll be a goner an' all if you don't pack up.

You know what I'm going to do with that?

I think I'll have that mounted
on a bit of polished mahogany, that.

That can stand up on my mantelpiece

next to the propeller of that American plane
that I shot down.

That can be a permanent monument
to a brave British soldier

what nearly lost his life...
defending the likes of you,

with your miserable water on the knees,

and you,
with your chalky white balls in your ear holes.

Good morning, Matron. Settling in comfortably?

- Yes, thank you, Sir Lancelot.
- Delighted to hear it.

Matron. Excuse me, these are for you.

For me?

Oh, put them in my office, will you?

"My pulse rate is over 100 since you arrived.
GG."

Gaston Grimsdyke, at your service.

What has happened to Tweetypie?

I gave instructions for it to be removed,
Sir Lancelot. Most unhygienic.

Doubtless you were unaware, my dear Matron,

that I have previously given instructions
that he should stay.

I'm sure I don't have to remind you, Sir Lancelot,

that I am responsible
for the wards of this hospital.

Very good, Matron.

- I have another job for you to do.
- I've already started, sir.

Good day, Matron.

Matron, how would you suggest
we get my pulse rate down?

Shall we talk about it?

Itfc subtitles

Ripped by:
SkyFury