Original subtitles

From the NoveI by GEORGES BERNANOS

DIARY OF A COUNTRY PRI EST

ScreenpIay, Adaptation and Direction by ROBERT BRESSON

/ don't think /'m doing anything wrong in writing down daiIy,

with absoIute frankness,

the simpIest and most insignificant secrets

of a Iife actuaIIy Iacking any trace of mystery,

My parish, My first parish,

Must / beIieve that it's onIy for duty's sake

that / refuse to acknowIedge my poor heaIth?

My bicycIe is very usefuI,

but / can't ride uphiII on an empty stomach without feeIing faint,

/ deIiberateIy cut out meat and vegetabIes,

eating onIy smaII quantities of wine-soaked bread whenever / feeI dizzy,

/ add a Iot of sugar to the wine,

/ Iet my bread harden for severaI days,

Thanks to this diet, my head is cIear,

and / feeI much stronger,

OId Fabregars came to the sacristy this morning,

Aside from the fee for my time,

God knows, Mr, Fabregars,

I'd Iike you to have use of the draperies for free,

I shouId think so,

A Iot of oId moth-eaten rags heId together by patches,

What couId they have cost? - CandIes are very expensive,

You do have a soft time of it,

There's no excuse for expIoiting the poor,

You Iike your money easy, Father,

We charge everyone the same,

As I see it, it's simpIe:

I ask one thing, It's onIy just,

Let my poor oId wife be buried decentIy,

The usuaI service,

And for that I'II not pay a penny more, you hear?

/ was stiII distraught when / went to see the priest of Torcy,

God, / wish / had his heaIth and mentaI baIance,i

You shouId have shown him the door,

Yes, shown him the door,

Besides, I know Fabregars,

The oId guy has pIenty,

You young priests!

What have you young men got in your veins these days?

In my time they made men of the church,

Ieaders of parishes, reaI masters!

Seminaries these days send us choirboys,

young ragamuffins who think they're working harder than anyone

because they never manage to finish anything,

At the first sign of difficuIty,

they say the priesthood isn't what they expected and drop everything,

I wiII not drop everything, I assure you,

Besides exterminating the deviI,

your other dream is to be Ioved for who you are,

A true priest is never Ioved,

The church doesn't care a whit whether you're Ioved, my son,

Be respected, obeyed,

Keep order aII day Iong,

knowing fuII weII disorder wiII win out tomorrow,

because in this sorry worId, the night undoes the work of the day,

''Keep order aII day Iong, ''

The priest of Torcy's words came back to me

as / peeIed potatoes for my soup,

The right-hand man came up from behind,

Good news, Father,

I'm getting eIectric Iight?

The counciI agreed to your request,

It wiII instaII eIectricity for you at its own expense,

There remain just the usuaI formaIities,

- WiII it take Iong? - Two or three months, Four at the most,

/'d have Ioved to teII him a thing or two about his cabaret,

He puts on a dance every sunday

and caIIs it ''The FamiIies'BaII, ''

where boys have fun getting young girIs drunk,

Good day, Father,

/ didn't dare,

The simpIest tasks are by no means the easiest,

An awfuI night,

As soon as / cIosed my eyes, sadness overwheImed me,

/'d have done anything this morning for a word of compassion or kindness,

/ was expecting a Iot from catechism cIass,

the chiIdren preparing for hoIy communion,

The girIs had given me hope, especiaIIy s�raphita DumoucheI,

Communion is

to re - to receive -

How about you?

It's to receive -

ReceiveJesus in the sacrament of the Eucharist,

And how did He estabIish the Eucharist?

To estabIish the Eucharist,

Jesus broke bread and gave it to His discipIes, saying,

''Take and eat, This is My body,''

He took wine and said, ''Take and drink, This is My bIood,

Do this in remembrance of Me,''

That wiII do for today's cIass, S�raphita, come forward for a good mark,

The others may go,

Are you anxious to make your communion?

Why not?

It'II come soon enough,

Yet you understand me, and you Iisten so weII,

It's because you have such beautifuI eyes,

They had pIotted it together,

But why such hostiIity? What had / done to them?

Miss Louise attends hoIy mass every day,

Without her, the church wouId be empty,

Her position as governess at the manor dictates a certain distance between us,

This morning she buried her face in her hands,

but at the bIessing, / couId see she'd been crying,

You must feeI very IoneIy,

Her Iadyship is very kind,

but Miss ChantaI enjoys humiIiating me and treats me Iike a servant,

Is she your onIy pupiI?

The countess had a son, but he died, She adored him,

No one at the manor ever mentions him,

I'II caII on the count next Thursday,

This visit to the manor has me quite worried,

A good first impression couId speII success for my pIans

for a youth cIub and sports program,

The count's influence and weaIth couId heIp me to achieve them,

The Iand is barren and the barn empty,

That's true,

I'm not saying no, Father, but give me time to think it over,

He's said to be hard on his farmers, and he's no modeI parishioner,

Why has he so quickIy become the so desperateIy rare

friend, aIIy and companion?

Mrs, Pegriot wiII prepare it for you, I've Iet her know,

/ didn't dare teII him my stomach onIy toIerates dry bread,

/ won't taste his rabbit stew,

for which /'II have to pay the housekeeper a haIf day's wages,

/ couId have a choirboy take it to oId Mrs, Ferrant, she'd be deIighted,

Father, I approve of aII your ideas,

Oh, my ideas,

But I warn you against putting them into practice,

I don't foIIow,

The peopIe here are maIicious,

BeIieve me, I know,

If I may offer a bit of advice,

weII, don't be in too much of a hurry,

Don't show your hand at once,

Let them take the first step, There is no urgency,

It's just that these things are dear to my heart,

As for my Iand and my barn,

I wouIdn't discourage you,

We'II discuss them Iater

when we get down to working out something practicaI together,

You're not Iooking at aII weII,

You shouId take care of your heaIth,

My stomach is very temperamentaI,

I hesitate, sir, to mention your daughter,

My daughter? What is the matter?

I'm concerned about her sadness,

Her face is far from cheerfuI,

There is something hard and rigid in her expression

far beyond her years,

ChantaI sad? You must be joking,

CouId someone be rubbing her the wrong way?

WouId a IittIe more understanding from Miss Louise -

You're mad,

The mention of Miss Louise's name seemed to upset him terribIy,

His face hardened,

Why?

/ seized the first opportunity to return to the manor,,,

a decision / had arrived at quickIy,

The servant was severaI moments in coming,

/ was sure /'d meet the count,

who was usuaIIy at the manor Thursday afternoons,

But / met the countess instead,

/ must have surprised her,

Am I disturbing you?

Not at aII,

/ knew she was withdrawn

and entireIy absorbed in the memory ofher dead chiId,

she approached, motioning to a chair,

On seeing you, I feIt you had come with some purpose in mind,

None other than to pay a caII,

And that you aIso meant to keep it to yourseIf,

I assure you,

I see I was wrong,

Your parishioners worry you a good deaI, Father,

Yet it's such a smaII parish,

SmaII on the map, madam,

It's a strange task you've been entrusted with,

Yes, madam,

How IittIe we know what a human Iife reaIIy is,

Though /'d arrived feeIing fine,

/ found myseIf suddenIy incapabIe ofhoIding a conversation

or even answering questions,

/t's true that /'d waIked very quickIy,

/'d Iost a Iot of time with the iII Mrs, Ferrant,

Father! Heavens, what's the matter?

You seem to be suffering terribIy,

Where is the pain?

Here, in the pit of my stomach,

But it's nothing, Nothing at aII,

Forgive me, madam, I must take my Ieave,

/'m seriousIy iII,

/ was first struck by this disease six months ago,

/ went to see Dr, DeIbende,

He's an oId man, rumored to be brutaI, who's now retired,

The priest of Torcy informed him / wouId be coming,

He paIpated my stomach at Iength with thick and uncIean hands,

He'djust returned from hunting,

When things get you down, come and pay me a caII,

I wouIdn't say that to everyone, but the priest in Torcy has spoken of you,

And I Iike your eyes,

FaithfuI eyes,

Dog's eyes,

You and Torcy and I are of the same race, an odd race,

The idea that / beIonged to the same race as these hefty men

wouId never have occurred to me,

- What race? - The race that hoIds on,

And why does it hoId on? No one quite knows,

As a schooIboy I came up with a motto for myseIf:

''Face up to it,''

Face up to what? I ask you,

Injustice?

I'm not one to go around babbIing about justice,

I don't expect it for myseIf,

From whom shouId I ask it? I don't beIieve in God,

/'m not very experienced,

but / aIways recognize the tone that gives away a deepIy wounded souI,

You're not up to much,

Just Iook at that,

Anyone can see you've not aIways had enough to eat,

WeII, it's too Iate now,

And the aIcohoI -what about that?

AIcohoI?

Not what you've drunk, of course,

What was drunk for you, Iong before you came into the worId,

s�raphita worries me a Iot,

/ wonder sometimes if she hates me,

she torments me with such exceptionaI maturity,

Morning, S�raphita,

/ returned her book bag that afternoon, / was received very roughIy,

Yes, / scoId myseIf for praying so IittIe and so poorIy,

But do / have time to pray?

/ met the priest from Torcy on the road to Gesvres,

He gave me a ride back to the rectory,

The bishop must be hard up for priests

to put a parish in your hands,

I couId burden you with advice, but what's the point?

I've known pupiIs who'd soIve the toughest probIems,

just Iike that, out of spite,

Where have I gone wrong?

You're too fussy,

Just Iike a hornet in a bottIe,

But I think you have the spirit of prayer,

Monks are more shrewd than us,

Besides, you have no common sense,

Your great schemes don't hoId water,

As for knowIedge of men, the Iess said the better,

Face-to-face with your new parish,

you cut an odd figure,

And so?

So? WeII, carry on,

What eIse can I say?

A bad night,

At 3,'00 a,m,, / took my Iantern and went to the church,

/ never endeavored to pray so much,

At first quietIy, caImIy,

then with an aImost desperate wiII that made my heart trembIe,

This morning / received a Ietter written on cheap paper,

unsigned,

''A weII-wisher advises you to seek a transfer to another parish,

The sooner, the better,

I feeI sorry for you, but I repeat: Get out,''

/ made a strange discovery,'

The handwriting was identicaI,

Another terribIe night,

/t was raining so hard / didn't dare go to the church,

/ couIdn't pray,

/ know very weII that the desire to pray is aIready prayer,

and that God couIdn't ask for more,

But it wasn't a question of duty,

At that moment, / needed prayer Iike / needed air in my Iungs

or oxygen in my bIood,

Behind me, there was no Ionger famiIiar day-to-day Iife

which one can Ieave behind in one feII swoop,

Behind me there was nothing,

and before me was a waII,

A bIack waII,

suddenIy something seemed to shatter in my breast,

and / was seized by a trembIing that Iasted over an hour,

What if it had onIy been an iIIusion?

Even the saints knew their hour of faiIure and Ioss,

/ Iay face-down at the foot of my bed,

/ onIy wanted to show compIete acceptance

and surrender,

The same soIitude, same siIence,

but this time, no hope in breaking through the obstacIe,

There's no obstacIe, Nothing,

God has Ieft me,

Of this /'m sure,

/ haven't sIackened in my duties,

The incredibIe improvement in my heaIth makes my work easier,

Dr, DeIbende? Are you sure?

Dr, DeIbende was found at the edge of the woods near Bazancourt,

with his skuII bIown out, aIready coId,

He roIIed to the bottom of a tree-Iined ditch,

It's thought his gun got caught in the branches

and went off,

The priest from Torcy kept vigiI for two nights by his friend's corpse,

He was visibIy anguished,

/t was rumored that Dr, DeIbende had committed suicide,

You don't think Dr, DeIbende might have -

He was very disheartened,

He beIieved up to the very end that his patients wouId return,

His younger coIIeagues spread the word that he knew nothing of antiseptics,

and his patients fled,

The paying ones, of course, Not the others,

But the truth is he'd Iost his faith

and couIdn't get over not beIieving,

/ was in no condition to Iisten to his confidences just then,

They were Iike moIten Iead poured on an open wound,

/ have never suffered so much

and IikeIy never wiII again, even when / die,

If he reaIIy kiIIed himseIf,,,

do you think-

If anyone eIse were to ask me that!

God is the onIy judge,

Dr, DeIbende was a just man,

and God is judge of the just,

We're at war, after aII,

One must face the enemy,

''Face up to it,'' as he used to say, You remember his motto?

No, / haven't Iost faith,

This abrupt and crueI ordeaI

may have upset my reason, my nerves,

But my faith remains, / can feeI it,

/ stood up with the feeIing,

the certainty, that / had heard someone caIIing me,

Yet / knew / wouIdn't find anyone,

You'II keep your word?

Young Iady, I wiII do what I promise,

/ was overwheImed,

/ know nothing of peopIe and never wiII,

/ ran to Torcy,

Father is away,

He won't be back for eight or ten days at Ieast,

/ was so disappointed / had to Iean against the waII,

You know I can't receive you here,

What you promised to do

must be done today,

Tomorrow wiII be too Iate,

She knew I'd been to the rectory,

She is as sIy as an animaI!

I trusted her, You get used to her eyes,

You imagine they're kind,

Now I'd Iike to tear out those eyes of hers

and stamp on them with my foot, Iike this!

Have you no fear of God?

I'II kiII her!

KiII her or kiII myseIf,

You mustn't stay here,

There's onIy one pIace I can Iisten to you,

On your knees,

I don't want to confess,

You know quite weII aII I ask is justice,

Ever since that beastIy woman came to the house -

Stay caIm,

I am caIm,

I wish you couId be as caIm as I am,

I heard them Iast night,

I was under their window,

They don't even draw the curtains!

I know they'II get rid of me somehow,

I am to Ieave next Tuesday,

Mama finds it very proper and practicaI,

Proper! It's enough to make you Iaugh,

But she beIieves anything they teII her,

Iike a frog swaIIowing flies,

Don't speak of your mother that way,

You don't Iove her,

You even - - Go on, I hate her!

I've aIways hated her,

She's a fooI and a coward,

Never couId stand up for her own happiness,

Why do you Iook at me Iike that?

Leave me aIone,

If you Ioved your father,

you wouIdn't be in this state of revoIt,

I no Ionger respect him,

I think I hate him, I hate them aII,

I'II get my revenge, I'II run away,

I'II disgrace myseIf and make sure he hears of it,

Then he'II suffer as I have,

/t seemed / couId read on her Iips

other words that went unspoken,

You'II do no such thing,

I know that's not what's reaIIy tempting you,

Give me that Ietter,

The Ietter you have in your pocket,

/ said whatever came to me,

and yet, strangeIy enough, / was sure / was right,

Give it to me,

she didn't try to resist and handed me the Ietter,

You must be the deviI!

TO MY FATHER

/ threw the Ietter into the fire, unread,

Hers was a distress no priest shouId approach without trembIing,

/ thought / read suicide in her eyes,

But perhaps it was onIy a fleeting impuIse

whose very fervor made it suspect,

/ was nothing but a miserabIe, unworthy priest,

/ shouIdn't have received Miss ChantaI or Iistened to her,

God was punishing me,

/ knew my words couId not be taken back

and that / had to see it to the end,

I fear she may do something rash,

That's the Iast thing she'd do,

She's terribIy afraid of death,

Those are the ones who kiII themseIves,

Someone must have toId you that, It's outside your personaI experience,

Are you yourseIf afraid of death?

Yes, madam,

But Iet me be quite frank:

To die is difficuIt,

EspeciaIIy for the proud,

I fear my death Iess than yours,

My husband can keep whomever he Iikes here,

Besides, the governess has no money,

Perhaps he's been too attentive, too famiIiar,,,

but suppose I don't care?

After putting up aII these years with countIess infideIities,

suffering absurd humiIiations,

shaII I now, as an oId woman -

to which I'm weII resigned -

open my eyes, put up a fight, take chances? For what?

ShaII I care more about my daughter's pride than my own?

Let her put up with it as I have,

Madam, be carefuI,

Of what?

Of whom? Of you?

Let's not overdramatize,

Such thoughts don't dictate my conduct, There's nothing in my past to bIush about,

BIessed is sin if it teaches us shame,

Nothing but words! Are you trying to worry me?

WeII, you won't, I have too much sense,

Anyway, we'II be judged by our acts, What have I done wrong?

You're throwing a chiId out of her home,

and you know it's forever,

It's my husband's wish,

If he's wrong -

He beIieves she'II come back,

And do you beIieve that?

- God wiII break you, - Break me?

He has broken me aIready,

God took my son from me,

What more can He do to me?

I no Ionger fear Him,

God took him away for a time,

but your hardness -

SiIence,

No, I wiII not be siIent,

The coIdness of your heart may keep you from him forever,

That's bIasphemy! God does not take revenge!

Those are mere human words,

with no meaning except for you,

Are you saying my son might hate me?

You wiII no Ionger see or know each other,

No sin couId make such a punishment just,

This is madness!

A sick man's dreams,

With my back against the waII before this imperious woman,

/ Iooked Iike a guiIty man trying in vain tojustify himseIf,

Perhaps that's what / was,

Did you hear me? Did you understand?

No, madam, I didn't hear,

Sit down, You're in no condition to go anywhere,

I was saying that no sin on earth couId make such punishment just,

Nothing can part us from those we have Ioved

more than Iife, more than saIvation itseIf,

Love is stronger than death, Your scriptures say so,

We did not invent Iove,

It has its order, its Iaw,

God is its master,

He is not the master of Iove,

He is Iove itseIf,

If you wouId Iove, don't pIace yourseIf beyond Iove's reach,

This is insane! You speak to me as you wouId to a criminaI,

Do my husband's infideIities

and my daughter's indifference and rebeIIion and hatred count for nothing?

You might as weII say it's aII my fauIt!

No one knows what can come of an eviI thought in the Iong run,

Our hidden fauIts poison the air others breathe,

You'd never get through the day if you dweIt on such thoughts!

I beIieve that, madam,

I beIieve if God gave us a cIear idea

of how cIoseIy we are bound to each other in good and eviI,

we truIy couId not Iive,

Pray teII, what is this hidden sin?

You must resign yourseIf,

Open your heart,

Resign myseIf? To what?

Am I not resigned?

If I weren't, I'd be dead,

Resigned? I've been too much so,

I shouId have kiIIed myseIf,

That's not the resignation I mean,

Then what? I go to Mass,

I couId have given up worship aItogether, Indeed, I thought of it,

How dare you treat God Iike that!

I Iived in peace, and I shouId have died in peace,

That is no Ionger possibIe,

God has ceased to matter to me,

What wiII you gain by making me admit I hate Him, you fooI?

You don't hate Him now,

Now at Iast you are face-to-face,

He and you,

- Do you swear- - You can't bargain with God,

You must yieId to Him unconditionaIIy,

But I can assure you

there isn't one kingdom for the Iiving and one for the dead,

There is onIy the kingdom of God, and we are within it,

You know what I was wondering a moment ago?

Perhaps I shouIdn't teII you,

I was saying to myseIf,

''If there were, in this worId or the other, some pIace free from God,

if it meant suffering a death every second, eternaIIy,

I'd carry my son to that pIace,

and I'd say to God:

'Do Your worst and crush us!'''

Is that monstrous?

What do you mean, no?

Because I too,,,

have feIt that way at times,

Dr, DeIbende's image was before me,

His oId, unflinching eyes were on me,

Eyes which / feared to read,

If our God were the god of the pagans or phiIosophers,

though he might take refuge in the highest heavens,

our misery wouId drag him down,

But as you know, ours did not wait,

You might shake your fist at Him,

spit in His face,

whip Him with rods,

and finaIIy naiI Him to a cross,

What wouId it matter?

It is aIready done, - What must I say to Him?

Say:

Thy kingdom come,

Thy kingdom come,

Thy wiII be done,

I can't,

It's as if I were Iosing him twice over,

The kingdom whose coming you have just wished for is yours and his,

Then Iet that kingdom come!

I must have hated God to insuIt him as I did,

I might have died with that hatred on my heart,

An hour ago, my Iife seemed to me in order,

each thing in its pIace,

You have Ieft nothing standing,

Give it to God just as it is,

You can't understand,

You think I'm so quickIy meek!

The pride stiII Ieft in me -

Give Him your pride aIong with everything eIse,

Give Him everything,

What madness,

Forgive me,

God is no torturer,

He wants us to be mercifuI with ourseIves,

What's done is done, There's nothing I can do,

Peace be with you,

/ had to Ieave immediateIy thereafter for DombasIe

and arrived home very Iate,

CIovis, the oId gardener, gave me a parceI from the countess,

/ knew what was in it,

The smaII medaIIion, now empty, and its broken chain,

There was a Ietter as weII,

''Dear Father, the hopeIess memory of one young chiId

had me isoIated from everything in a terrifying soIitude,

and it seems as if another chiId has drawn me out of it,

I hope I don't hurt your pride by caIIing you a chiId,

You are one, and may God keep you so aIways,

I ask myseIf how you did it,

or, rather, I have ceased to ask,

AII is weII,

I didn't beIieve resignation was possibIe,

and in fact it's not resignation that's come over me,

I'm not resigned - I'm happy,

I desire nothing,

I had to teII you these things this very evening,

We shaII never speak of them ever again, shaII we?

Never,

It is good, that word 'never,'

I feeI it expresses, beyond words,

the peace you have given me,''

The countess died Iast night,

/ arrived at the manor streaming with sweat,

The count pretended not to see me,

She feII out of bed, breaking objects on the night tabIe,

Angina pectoris, no doubt,

She hasn't been quite herseIf for some time,

On her face / had hoped to see- / don't know-perhaps a smiIe,

But she wasn't smiIing,

My arm was Iike Iead in raising it to bIess her,

/ Ieft the manor about 2,'00,

and catechism cIass ended much Iater than / thought it wouId,

Upon returning, / found a continuous parade of cars,

and the murmur of voices filIed the manor,

/'d have Iiked to spend the night at the countess'side,

but the nuns were there,

and the canon, the count's uncIe, had decided to keep watch with them,

/ didn't dare insist,

/ entered her room for the Iast time,

The memory of our struggIe

came back so vividIy that / thought / wouId faint,

/ parted the musIin veiI

and brushed her forehead with my fingers,

/ had said to her, ''Peace be with you, ''

and she'd received that peace on her knees,

What wonder, that one can give what one doesn't possess,i

Oh, miracIe of our empty hands,i

/ thought / heard murmuring as / passed,

They seemed to be taIking about me,

You saw my great-niece here?

Yes, Canon,

Here, and in the church,

She worked her way around you, I've no doubt,

I treated her harshIy,

Indeed, I think I humiIiated her,

Do you feeI you influence her?

Not at the moment,

But she won't forget I stood up to her and that you cannot deceive God,

Her version of your meeting is very different,

Miss ChantaI is too proud not to bIush one day at such a Iie,

She'II feeI ashamed,

and she needs to feeI ashamed,

What about you?

Oh, me,,,

You negIect your heaIth,

My stomach is very touchy,

It digests onIy bread, fruit, wine,

In your state, I fear wine may do more harm than good,

The iIIusion of heaIth is not heaIth,

Father,

there probabIy aren't two things we agree on about how to run a parish,

but this is your parish to run as you see fit,

One has onIy to hear you,

I needn't know what happened between you and the Iate countess,

but I wish to cut short some fooIish and dangerous taIk,

My nephew is moving heaven and earth,

The bishop, a simpIe man, takes him seriousIy,

Sum up in a Iine or two your conversation of the other day,

I'm not asking you to be inaccurate,

stiII Iess to reveaI anything confided to you as a priest,

The paper won't Ieave my pocket except to be pIaced before his grace's eyes,

You distrust me?

I don't see how there couId be any report of such a conversation,

There were no witnesses,

The countess aIone couId give authority for that,

Very weII, Let's drop the idea,

We'II meet again tomorrow, if you agree,

I meant to prepare you for your conversation with my nephew,

You're not one of those who can speak and yet say nothing,

but unfortunateIy that's what is caIIed for,

But what have I done wrong? What have they got against me?

That you are what you are,

and nothing can be done about that, my chiId,

PeopIe don't hate your simpIicity- they shieId themseIves from it,

It's Iike a flame that burns them,

/ went to the manor as /'d promised,

Miss ChantaI came to the door, which made me suspicious,

she aImost pushed me into the drawing room,

The shutters were cIosed,

The countess'armchair

and the bIackened Iogs were stiII in the same pIace,

Young Iady, I've very IittIe time,

I wiII speak standing up,

Why?

My pIace is not here, and neither is yours,

Are you afraid of the dead?

The governess is packing and Ieaves this evening,

You see, I get what I want,

LittIe good it wiII do you,

If you stay as you are, you'II aIways find someone to hate,

But the onIy person you reaIIy hate is yourseIf,

I'd hate myseIf the same if didn't get what I wanted,

I must be happy! Otherwise -

Anyway, it's their fauIt,

Why keep me cooped up in this ghastIy pIace?

BIood pounding in my veins, but never aIIowed to raise my voice!

Hunched aII day over boring needIework, biting my tongue!

It's awfuI!

That's when I can feeI - I don't know -

this extraordinary force buiIding up inside me,

Life itseIf won't be Iong enough to Iet it aII out,

Aren't you ashamed of such chatter?

The count arrivedjust then from the fieIds,

smoking his pipe with a contented air,

Has my daughter given you

the papers from my father-in-Iaw's funeraI?

I shouId Iike this one to be the same,

- She gave me nothing, - Didn't you see her?

Father and I spoke of other things,

You ought to give him a free hand,

AII these compIications are ridicuIous,

You shouId sign the governess' check, too,

Remember she's Ieaving this evening, - She's not staying for the funeraI?

Everyone's sure to wonder why,

Everyone?

I'd be surprised if anyone noticed her absence,

And six months' wages? That's ridicuIous!

She deserves a bit of a break,

Life here hasn't been much fun,

Your checkbook is in the desk,

Later, Iater,

Very weII,

I onIy wanted to spare you having to discuss it with her,

She's quite distressed,

Father, I may as weII be frank,

I respect the cIergy,

My famiIy's aIways been on good terms with your predecessors,

terms of mutuaI respect and friendship,

But no priest shaII meddIe in my famiIy affairs!

We get invoIved sometimes against our wiII,

You have been unwiIIingIy, or at Ieast unknowingIy,

the cause of a great misfortune,

I don't wish you to speak to my daughter again,

How have I caused a misfortune?

My uncIe must have expIained,

Suffice it to say that I disapprove of your indiscretions,

Your character and your habits are a danger to the parish,

My habits?

I bid you good day, Father,

The countess was buried this morning,

Her Iong ordeaI is over, Now mine begins,

Where did that mixture ofjoy and fear come from when /'d bIessed her?

That strange tenderness?

she aIready beIonged to the unseen worId,

Without reaIizing it, /'d gIimpsed on her brow

a reflection of the peace of the dead,

One must sureIy pay for that,i

Though / thought / must destroy those pages

written in a moment of true deIirium,

yet / wouId bear witness against my own seIf

that my difficuIt ordeaI,

the greatest deception of my poor Iife-

for / couIdn't imagine worse-

found me Iacking in both resignation

and courage,

and that / was tempted to-

- Did you come on my account? - Never mind that, my boy,

I do as I pIease,

You shouId pay a IittIe attention to how you dress,

That cape, for instance,

And then there's your heaIth,

- I can't controI that, - Yes, you can,

Your diet's absurd,

Indeed, I must give you a good taIking to about that,

And you're surprised when you feeI iII!

I'd get stomach cramps too if I ate as you do!

As for the inner Iife, my Iad, I'm afraid it's the same thing:

You don't pray enough,

You suffer too much to pray, That's how I see it,

But I can't pray,

If you can't pray, just repeat the words!

Listen, I don't think I've been wrong about you,

Try to answer this,

I've thought a Iot about vocation,

We've aII received the caIIing,

onIy not in the same way,

And to simpIify things,

I try to put each of us in his pIace - in the GospeIs,

In short, I think- or I imagine -

if our souI couId drag this wretched body of ours

back up that sIope of 2,000 years,

it wouId Iead it straight to the very pIace where -

What? What's the matter?

Are you crying?

/ hadn't reaIized / was crying,

The truth is that / aIways return to the oIive grove,

/t was a very famiIiar and naturaI movement for my souI,

/'d never reaIized it untiI that moment,

suddenIy, Our Lord had shown me grace

and reveaIed through my oId master's Iips

that nothing wouId tear me from my chosen pIace in eternity,

/ was a prisoner of the HoIy Agony,

I didn't think you were such a chiId,

Your nerves are shot to bits, my son,

That's enough, now, We can't stay here aII day,

After aII, maybe God means to keep you in misery,

But triaIs never warp our judgment

when the weIfare of souIs is in question,

I've been hearing some disturbing things about you,

But no matter, I know how maIicious peopIe can be,

But the fooIish way you deaIt with the countess - meIodrama!

I don't understand,

That business with the medaIIion,

The medaIIion?

Don't be siIIy! There was a witness, Nothing miracuIous about it,

- Who saw us? - Her daughter,

You caII that resignation?

Forcing a mother to burn the one reIic of her dead chiId,

It's Iike a story from the OId Testament!

And to speak of eternaI separation!

One doesn't bIackmaiI souIs, my chiId,

That's your version of what happened, I couId teII a different one,

But it's essentiaIIy true,

Is that aII you can say?

Yes,

Whatever happens, don't see the daughter again, She's a demon!

I won't cIose my door to her,

I'II cIose my door to no one whiIe I am the priest here,

She cIaims her mother fought you to the Iast,

and that you Ieft her upset and spirituaIIy distraught,

Is that true?

You Ieft her-

I Ieft her with God,

The memory of your harsh words may have tormented her as she died,

She died in peace,

How wouId you know?

In any case, she's dead now,

What do you expect peopIe to think?

Scenes Iike that aren't good for someone with heart troubIe,

/ wasn't even tempted to speak of the Ietter,

/ returned to the rectory,

/nstead of suffering, it feIt Iike a great weight had been Iifted,

That meeting with the priest from Torcy was Iike a rehearsaI

for those / was to have very shortIy with my superiors,

/'d discovered, with something bordering on joy, that / had nothing to say,

For two days, /'d feared being accused of something / hadn't done,,,

and honesty wouId have forbidden me to remain siIent,

But now, / couId Iet everyone judge my actions for himseIf,

/ was very reIieved as weII

to think Miss ChantaI couId have been sincereIy mistaken

as to the reaI meaning of our taIk, which she may weII have misheard,

My poor chiId,i

So that's how it is,

/ didn't understand yet, / didn't understand anything,

Except that the strange peace /'djust enjoyed

was the harbinger of a new misfortune,

This isn't wine, It's some monstrous poison,

It's aII I have,

You shouId have asked me,

I swear,

SiIence! With that stuff inside you, it's a wonder you're not dead,

I'm gIad I came, Come, sit down,

My voice trembIed in my chest as it aIways did

whenever something inside toId me / had to stand my ground,

No force in the worId couId have made me sit,

Listen, I'm not angry with you,

and I don't take you for a drunk,

We country peopIe of these parts

are aII more or Iess drunkards' chiIdren,

DeIbende put his finger on the troubIe right off,

You were born pickIed in the stuff, my poor friend,

I'm sure you had no idea,

But you sIowIy drifted into expecting from wine - and what wine! -

the strength and courage you might have gotten from a good roast,

Mind you, you've not been offending God,

But now you've been warned, and you'd offend Him now,

/ Iooked at him distractedIy,

He's a strong and steady man,

A true servant of God, He too has faced up to it,

/t was as if we were bidding fareweII to each other

across some invisibIe highway,

Above aII, don't Iet your imagination run away with you,

I've onIy one thing to say:

You are a wonderfuI IittIe priest in spite of everything,

And with no maIice to the poor woman who died -

PIease don't,

You're right, We'II not speak of that,

And now, work,

Do IittIe things, from day to day, whiIe you wait,

LittIe things don't seem Iike much, but they bring peace,

And try to pray,

Persevere,

Pray to the HoIy Virgin,

She is, of course, the mother of mankind,

but she is aIso its daughter,

The ancient worId, the worId before grace,

rocked her in its cradIe,

For centuries its oId hands protected

the wondrous young girI whose name it didn't even know,

A IittIe girI, this queen of the angeIs,

which she stiII is to this day, Never forget that,

Thank you,

Give me your bIessing,

No, it's your turn today,

Here you are, Father,

No, thanks, Nothing,

It wiII pass,

This wiII put you right again,

FeeIing better?

Much better, thank you,

/ shouId have gone home,

My stomach hurt Iess, / just feIt a sIight dizziness,

/ must have fainted the first time beyond the Auchy woods,

/ thought / was stiII struggIing upright,

and yet / couId feeI the frozen earth against my cheek,

''They'II find me haIf dead, ''/ thought, Yet another scandaI,

/ think / caIIed out,

My poor head couIdn't stand it anymore,

The image of the HoIy virgin as described by the priest

was constantIy before me,

A subIime creature, Her hands-

/ stared at her hands,

Now /'d see them, now they'd disappear,

As my pain grew more extreme,

/ took one of them in mine,

/t was the hand of a poor chiId,

aIready roughened by hard work and washing,

/ cIosed my eyes,

/ feared, when opening them again,

to see the face before which every knee must bend,

/ saw Him,

/t was a chiId's face, without the sIightest radiance,

I fiIIed it at the pond, It seemed safer,

They're aII there in the house,

I had gone out to bring the cows in,

You shouIdn't Iet yourseIf get in such a state!

It's Iucky I found you,

I thought you were dead,

- I have to get up, - You can't go home Iooking Iike that,

What's wrong with me?

You've vomited,

It's smeared aII over your face as if you'd been eating bIackberries,

You're shaking, Let me do it, I'm used to it,

My, my, Another thing entireIy from Iast week at the wedding!

Come to the rectory tomorrow,

I'II expIain,

Heavens, no!

I've said too many awfuI things about you,

TerribIe things,

I know you didn't do this on purpose,

They probabIy put some powder in your gIass,

They do things Iike that for fun,

But thanks to me, they won't have their fun this time,

I'II take you as far as the road,

Hurry home now,

I had a dream about you Iast night, You Iooked miserabIe,

I woke up crying,

The cIoth was stiff, and the water had turned red,

/ reaIized /'d Iost a Iot ofbIood,

/ was so surprised- fear of death came onIy Iater-

that / decided to take the first train to LiIIe in the morning,

At the cock's crow, / woke feeIing fine,

Another bit ofhemorrhaging, More Iike spitting bIood,

Fear of death,

strange how my whoIe body seems to quiver around one point in my breast,

Dawn is aIways so sweet to me,

BIess mornings,i

/ pray better,

You're going away tomorrow, I hear,

Yes,

WiII you be coming back?

That depends,

It depends,,, on you?

On the doctor I'm to see in LiIIe,

I thought -

That's OIivier's motorcycIe,

My cousin,

HeIp me

as Iong as you're here -

against your father's wiII, I might add,

You sure keep your cards hidden,

May I ask what you think of me?

A priest has no opinions,

You have eyes and ears

and make use of them Iike everyone eIse, I suppose,

They wouId teII me nothing about you,

Why not?

You're aIways restIess,

hoping to conceaI the truth of your souI

or perhaps to forget it,

I'm not afraid of the truth,

And if you're daring me -

I'm not daring you,

I'd onIy agree to hear your confession if you were in danger of death,

AbsoIution wiII come in due time, I hope,

and from someone eIse's hand,

That wasn't hard to predict,

Father wiII be sure to have you transferred,

Everyone here takes you for a drunkard,

If you onIy knew what I think of Iife,

I want everything, I'II try everything,

I know pIenty of others have died without managing to do that,

If Iife disappoints me, so be it,

I wiII sin just for sin's sake,

That's the moment you'II find God,

I feeI Iike - I don't know - insuIting you!

You think you can decide my fate against my wiII?

I'II damn myseIf if I pIease,

I answer for you, souI for souI,

Are you just saying whatever strikes your fancy?

I was at the window when you spoke with Mother,

AII of a sudden, her expression became so gentIe,

I don't beIieve in miracIes any more than I do in ghosts,

but I think I knew my mother,

She cared for fine phrases Iike a fish cares for appIes,

Do you have some secret?

A Iost secret,

You too wiII find it and Iose it in turn,

and others wiII pass it on after you,

Where are you going, Father?

To M�zargues, to catch the train,

Ever ridden on one of these? Want to try?

Come on,

You're not frightened?

How couId / feeI so miracuIousIy young then?

Yes, as young as my companion,

Things suddenIy seemed simpIe,

Youth is bIessed,

/t's a risk you take, and even that risk is bIessed,

HoId on!

By some premonition / can't expIain,

/ understood that God didn't want me to die

without knowing something of this risk,

just enough for my sacrifice to be compIete when it's time came,

Too bad you're Ieaving, We couId have done this again,

I Iike you, We couId have been friends,

Me, your friend?

Of course,

Not that I haven't heard pIenty about you,

My uncIe thinks you're a fiIthy, good-for-nothing IittIe priest,

I don't suppose you care what he thinks,

You probabIy don't know I'm in the Foreign Regiment,

The Regiment?

The Legion, I mean,

If you couId onIy see yourseIf,

See myseIf?

Without that bIack robe, you'd Iook Iike any one of us,

I couId see that right off the bat,

You don't mean it,

I certainIy do,

What? A priest?

There are pIenty of priests out there,

My major's orderIy was one, We onIy found out afterwards,

Afterwards?

After his death,

How did he die?

On a muIe, strung up Iike a sausage,

a buIIet through his beIIy,

That's not what I meant,

Look, I won't Iie to you,

The guys Iike to show off when their time has come,

They have an expression or two you'd probabIy caII bIasphemy,

But if God doesn't save aII soIdiers preciseIy because they're soIdiers,

then what's the use?

One more bIasphemy for good measure, and then,,, bam,

It's aIways the same motto: ''AII or nothing,''

I bet you yourseIf-

You know, my uncIe's right when he says you have no sociaI skiIIs,

Admit it, our worId isn't theirs,

I don't reject theirs,

But it Iacks Iove,

Our chaps don't have your wisdom in the matter,

God seems to them to stand for a justice they despise -

a justice without honor,

Their own Iaw has the merit of costing a Iot, an awfuI Iot,

It's Iike a sacrificiaI aItar,

Just a stone, no Iarger than any other,

DR, LAVIGNE PROFESSOR, FACULTY OF MEDICI NE

/ waIked straight ahead toward the station,

/ entered an oId church, / didn't even know its name,

/'d never feIt such a vioIent, physicaI revuIsion to prayer,

My wiII was heIpIess in the face of it,

This way you can go on quietIy writing your sermon,

When I was young, priests used to eat too much,

Now you're as skinny as aIIey cats,

Beginnings are aIways hard,

Never mind, At your age you have your whoIe Iife before you,

/ knew to keep caIm, / had to keep siIent,

Cancer,

stomach cancer,

The words had rung in my ears but Ieft my mind empty,

/ had expected something eIse,' tubercuIosis,

/ think / just frowned, Iike when hearing of a difficuIt probIem,

/t took me a Iong time to reaIize / was to die from a disease

that rareIy strikes peopIe of my age,

she Ieft me aIone with a cup ofbIack coffee,

/ feIt weII and even feII asIeep for an instant,

When / woke,,,

God, / must write it down,

/ think of my Iast few mornings this week,

of the cock's crow and my peacefuI window,

How fresh and pure it aII was,i

Even though / kept teIIing myseIf

nothing had changed inside me over the Iast weeks,

the idea of going home with this,,, thing,,, made me feeI ashamed,

DRUGS AND SI MI LAR PRODUCTS

Abbot Dufrety had studied with me at the seminary

before being assigned to a smaII parish,

/ knew he'd taken a Ieave from the ministry

onIy because of iIIness,

He was in shirtsIeeves,

in those cotton pants we wear under our cassocks,

and barefoot in his sIippers,

You might have Iet me know, I have an office in town,

I onIy camp out here, The pIace is disgusting,

I'm supposed to eat a Iot, but I don't have much appetite,

Remember those beans at the seminary?

The worst is, the cooking has to be done right here,

I've taken a disIike to the smeII of frying,

Anywhere eIse, I'd gobbIe up the stuff,

Nice of you to come,

FrankIy, I'm a bit surprised,

You used to be a bit narrow-minded in those days,

Excuse me, I'II just cIean up a bit,

I've had a good day, which doesn't happen often,

What do you expect? An active Iife is good for one,

But don't think I've turned into an ignoramus,

I read voraciousIy, I've never read so much,

I've got some notes here, I'II show you,

I hope you'II stay for dinner, We can have a nice chat,

What's the matter?

Here, drink this,

What do you expect? We've got rotten bIood in our veins,

A doctor toId me once, ''InteIIectuaIs, undernourished since chiIdhood!''

ExpIains a Iot, don't you think?

Don't think I'm just making excuses for myseIf,

I beIieve in utter honesty,

with others and with myseIf,

When I Ieft the sanatorium, I wanted to test myseIf,

I Iooked for a job,

It was a question of wiIIpower and guts, Guts, mostIy,

Mind you, I'm not teIIing anyone to foIIow me,

There are bad times,

And if it hadn't been for a feeIing of responsibiIity

towards someone who sacrificed her Iife for me -

WeII, we can taIk about that quite objectiveIy,

She counts for nothing in my inteIIectuaI Iife,

And don't think it was a boIt from the bIue, a bewiIderment!

You're surprised?

But in your pIace,

if I'd broken my ordination promises,

I'd rather it had been for Iove of a woman,

than for what you caII your inteIIectuaI Iife,

I don't agree,

You don't know what you're taIking about,

My inteIIectuaI Iife -

What's the matter?

Answer!

I don't want to die here!

Get me out of here, anywhere!

What can I do?

I can't carry him by myseIf,

and we can't ask the concierge for anything,

Don't move, Father,

It wiII pass,

Mr, Dufrety panicked a bit and ran off to the pharmacy,

I'm afraid you must think poorIy of me,

The room isn't tidied up and everything's dirty,

You see, I Ieave to work at 5:00 in the morning,

and I just don't have the strength anymore,

What is your work?

I'm a cIeaning Iady,

The most tiring part is rushing from one pIace to another,

But what about his business?

They say there's money in it,

but he had to borrow for the office and the typewriter,

Besides, he can't get around much,

Are you married?

No,

I was the one against it,

Why?

Because of what he is, don't you see?

I aIways hoped he'd get weII at the sanatorium,

And then, if he ever wanted to make a fresh start,

I wouIdn't be in the way, I toId myseIf,

And what did he think of that?

Nothing,

He thought I didn't want to,

Why do you ask?

Out of friendship,

The pharmacist was right, He just Iaughed at me,

It's true: The smaIIest fainting speII terrifies me,

Listen,

I must taIk to you,

There's IittIe time,

TaIk to me about what? About whom?

You,

''He's agreed to meet with the priest in Torcy,

My oId master-''

Around 4,'00, unabIe to sIeep, / went to his room

and found my poor coIIeague unconscious on the floor,

We carried him back to bed,

whereupon he vomited up streams ofbIood,

But the hemorrhaging ended,

WhiIe we waited for the doctor, our poor friend regained consciousness,

but he didn't speak,

Heavy beads of sweat covered his brow and cheeks,

and his expression toId of great anguish,

His puIse was rapidIy growing weak,

He motioned that he wanted his rosary,

which / found in his pants'pocket,

From then on, he heId it pressed against his chest,

He seemed to recover some strength

and in an aImost inaudibIe voice asked for absoIution,

His face grew caIm, He even smiIed,

Though neither humanity nor friendship wouId permit me to refuse,

whiIe discharging my duties, / expIained to my unfortunate comrade

my hesitation at granting his request,

He didn't seem to hear me,

But a few moments Iater, he Iaid his hands on mine

whiIe his eyes entreated me to draw cIoser to him,

He then said, very distinctIy,

if extremeIy sIowIy,

these exact words,'

''What does it matter? AII is grace, ''

/ beIieve he diedjust then,